Rav's brows were furrowed a little, quiet in thought as he took in the new surroundings. Nick felt eager to get comfortable on the couch, but he waited patiently to see how the changes settled in for Rav, reminding himself of the importance of not rushing through anything this time.
"Wow," Rav said after a moment. "It's a whole different place down here. It was good before, but... yeah, wow."
Nick raised his eyebrows with a hopefulness, but also uncertainty. Something about Rav seemed really difficult to read in this moment, and Nick felt his anxiety building about that. Was Rav just being polite but actually was unsettled by the change?
Nick swallowed, breathing out slowly and trying to get to the other side of whatever insecurity was flaring.
"Come sit with me?" Nick tentatively asked after a moment, deciding that the best thing he could do was just ask for what he genuinely wanted, and keep resolving to trust Rav to speak to his own needs and desires, too. For good measure, Nick took a small step toward the curtain's opening but kept his gaze on Rav, nodding toward the couch with a hopeful smile. He'd be happy to lead the way, but waited to get a read on Rav's response before he did so.
Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick's eyebrows lifted, and he swallowed. Maybe Rav had not been convincing enough, though there was little he could do about that now.
"Come sit with me?" Nick asked, taking one step toward the couch and nodding that direction. Rav's stomach lurched, and his cheeks colored, but he nodded as well, following Nick to the couch and sitting down. He didn't take his jacket off this time and kept his hands in his pockets. As he tried to relax into the couch, he closed his eyes and blew out a couple long, quiet exhales. He wondered anxiously if he should tell Nick what had him so tied up in knots--surely it was obvious that something was pulling at his attention--but he had resolved not to confess any more fantasies, and he didn't want to make Nick uncomfortable right after they had restarted this interaction. The last thing he wanted to do is take away a safe place for Nick to tell him something about what had gone wrong.
"So... you figured out why you were afraid of crying?" Rav gently prompted.
"Come sit with me?" Nick asked, taking one step toward the couch and nodding that direction. Rav's stomach lurched, and his cheeks colored, but he nodded as well, following Nick to the couch and sitting down. He didn't take his jacket off this time and kept his hands in his pockets. As he tried to relax into the couch, he closed his eyes and blew out a couple long, quiet exhales. He wondered anxiously if he should tell Nick what had him so tied up in knots--surely it was obvious that something was pulling at his attention--but he had resolved not to confess any more fantasies, and he didn't want to make Nick uncomfortable right after they had restarted this interaction. The last thing he wanted to do is take away a safe place for Nick to tell him something about what had gone wrong.
"So... you figured out why you were afraid of crying?" Rav gently prompted.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav nodded, and a little warm, nervous thrill spiraled in Nick's stomach as he turned to lead the way, settling down on the far end of the couch where he'd been sitting just a few minutes prior.
Rav kept his jacket on when he sat down, his hands a little stiff in his pockets. Nick felt sad that Rav looked so stiff, but he supposed it made sense. Rav closed his eyes, exhaling slowly, and Nick did the same, melting sideways on the futon as he'd done before, feeling attached to facing Rav even during this little relaxation exercise.
"So..." Rav spoke after a moment, and Nick gently opened his eyes to look at him. "...you figured out why you were afraid of crying?"
Nick nodded, though his eyes trailed over to the string lights beneath the TV, his body shifting a little to accommodate the change in direction. His shoulders and hips were still askew toward Rav, but the back of his head was against the futon now rather than the side.
There was a brief feeling of panic in Nick's chest--a worry that he'd been foolish not to have this next part all planned out. He'd told Rav he'd figured that much out; what if he'd been wrong and he didn't actually have it figured out at all?
Nick closed his eyes again, his thumbs gently fidgeting against the pads of his fingers where his hands rested themselves, one on the futon between him and Rav, and the other draped over his thigh.
"I didn't know why I wanted to cry," Nick offered, relieved to find an answer, or at least the beginning of one, within just a breath of searching. "And, I was afraid that if I started crying without being able to explain why..." His eyebrows furrowed a little, the thread growing more elusive at this part. He sighed a little, and opened his eyes, turning his head to look at Rav again, like maybe something in the man's face might inspire him.
"Maybe I was afraid that you'd blame yourself for it? Or that you'd be annoyed, or.... something. Any number of things, maybe."
He kept studying Rav's face, maybe content to leave it there and interested in how it landed, or maybe still searching for inspiration for whatever layer came next. Maybe both; maybe it didn't have to be just one or the other.
Rav kept his jacket on when he sat down, his hands a little stiff in his pockets. Nick felt sad that Rav looked so stiff, but he supposed it made sense. Rav closed his eyes, exhaling slowly, and Nick did the same, melting sideways on the futon as he'd done before, feeling attached to facing Rav even during this little relaxation exercise.
"So..." Rav spoke after a moment, and Nick gently opened his eyes to look at him. "...you figured out why you were afraid of crying?"
Nick nodded, though his eyes trailed over to the string lights beneath the TV, his body shifting a little to accommodate the change in direction. His shoulders and hips were still askew toward Rav, but the back of his head was against the futon now rather than the side.
There was a brief feeling of panic in Nick's chest--a worry that he'd been foolish not to have this next part all planned out. He'd told Rav he'd figured that much out; what if he'd been wrong and he didn't actually have it figured out at all?
Nick closed his eyes again, his thumbs gently fidgeting against the pads of his fingers where his hands rested themselves, one on the futon between him and Rav, and the other draped over his thigh.
"I didn't know why I wanted to cry," Nick offered, relieved to find an answer, or at least the beginning of one, within just a breath of searching. "And, I was afraid that if I started crying without being able to explain why..." His eyebrows furrowed a little, the thread growing more elusive at this part. He sighed a little, and opened his eyes, turning his head to look at Rav again, like maybe something in the man's face might inspire him.
"Maybe I was afraid that you'd blame yourself for it? Or that you'd be annoyed, or.... something. Any number of things, maybe."
He kept studying Rav's face, maybe content to leave it there and interested in how it landed, or maybe still searching for inspiration for whatever layer came next. Maybe both; maybe it didn't have to be just one or the other.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick shifted to look over toward the string lights and closed his eyes, his hands fidgeting on the couch and on his thigh. Rav pulled his attention away from Nick's thigh, not wanting to get caught anywhere that didn't match the energy.
"I didn't know why I wanted to cry," Nick said, giving Rav something else to focus on. "And, I was afraid that if I started crying without being able to explain why..." He paused, pulling his eyebrows together and sighing before he continued.
Looking at Rav fully, Nick finished with, "Maybe I was afraid that you'd blame yourself for it? Or that you'd be annoyed, or.... something. Any number of things, maybe." Rav managed to prevent himself from looking away from Nick, though he shifted in his seat a little uncomfortable. Hadn't Rav blamed himself? And how was he supposed to stop from blaming himself for blaming himself?
Rav exhaled, still looking at Nick. He was grateful that Nick was talking and that he wanted Rav to come back, regardless. He should probably say something, though.
"Well," Rav said, "I'm not annoyed, if that helps. And..." he thought about going into an explanation about why he tended toward blaming himself, but maybe that was getting too solution oriented, and Rav wasn't sure that's what Nick needed.
"Is there something that would help you feel... safer or more comfortable with me now?" Once it was out of his mouth, he thought about offering that Nick didn't have to have an answer, but he refrained from backpedaling. They couldn't just keep walking on eggshells with each other.
"I didn't know why I wanted to cry," Nick said, giving Rav something else to focus on. "And, I was afraid that if I started crying without being able to explain why..." He paused, pulling his eyebrows together and sighing before he continued.
Looking at Rav fully, Nick finished with, "Maybe I was afraid that you'd blame yourself for it? Or that you'd be annoyed, or.... something. Any number of things, maybe." Rav managed to prevent himself from looking away from Nick, though he shifted in his seat a little uncomfortable. Hadn't Rav blamed himself? And how was he supposed to stop from blaming himself for blaming himself?
Rav exhaled, still looking at Nick. He was grateful that Nick was talking and that he wanted Rav to come back, regardless. He should probably say something, though.
"Well," Rav said, "I'm not annoyed, if that helps. And..." he thought about going into an explanation about why he tended toward blaming himself, but maybe that was getting too solution oriented, and Rav wasn't sure that's what Nick needed.
"Is there something that would help you feel... safer or more comfortable with me now?" Once it was out of his mouth, he thought about offering that Nick didn't have to have an answer, but he refrained from backpedaling. They couldn't just keep walking on eggshells with each other.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav shifted uncomfortably under Nick's gaze, and Nick flicked his eyes away briefly, teeth lightly nibbling on the inside of his lip. There was a small cringe-y sensation in his chest, a burgeoning franticness to clarify something about what he'd said--but, what?
"Well," Rav said, "I'm not annoyed, if that helps." Nick brought his gaze back to Rav and nodded faintly--that was good to hear--but hesitation crept into the gesture; did he actually trust Rav, in this moment? Or would some part of him always be convinced that Rav must be annoyed, and Nick was just making it worse asking him to assuage Nick's own discomfort about it?
"And..." Rav continued, "Is there something that would help you feel... safer or more comfortable with me now?"
Nick's eyes studied the man's face some more, teeth continuing to nibble at lip. The knot was coming back into his throat, and fear was starting to rise in his chest about that, but he tried to relax around it and just let it happen, let the tears start rising in his eyes.
"I guess..." Nick said tentatively, surprised by how warbly his voice already was now. He let out a small sigh, a slightly wry smile on his face as his eyes averted back to the string lights again.
"Maybe it's, uhm, less that you'd be annoyed, so much as, um..." Good grief, his throat ached. He closed his eyes and let his hands reach up to rub at the muscles just under the hinges of his jaw, trying to beg something he didn't fully understand to relax. But, he worried that the only thing that would do it was just finally sobbing--which he was still afraid to do. So, what would help him feel safer? If there was no path to trusting Rav, then Nick was just wasting both of their time. But, there had to be a way.
"If you do feel annoyed, or whatever... " What? What could Nick possibly ask for? His hands moved up to cover his face, his stamina running out. He didn't have many words left before he'd need to cry. His throat hurt so much. So, what was the thing that would actually be relieving to say?
"I'm scared that'd be it." A soft sob did hitch-hike out on that breath, and Nick nibbled down on his lip. He felt an urge to apologize, but did his best to breathe it out, shaky as he felt. He gathered his feet up onto the futon, his knees bunching up in front of his chest, hugging his elbows which still held his hands up over his face.
"Maybe not, like, immediately," Nick added after a moment, relieved to find a little more stability in his voice now, a tiny bit of relief in his throat. "But, like... inevitably." He sighed, then--a big, heavy exhale, and then lowered his hands to rest over his heart, his eyes remaining closed while he thought. Did any of this answer what would make him feel safer or more comfortable with Rav right now? One thought that occurred to him to ask for seemed absurd, and he reached one hand up to rub at his hair with some embarrassment, but he did nonetheless turn his head just enough to look at Rav again, contemplating the possibility.
"Honestly, as I sit with it...." he chewed on the inside of his cheek and averted his gaze back toward the string lights again, too shy to watch Rav's expression while he said this. "I almost want you to say that you are annoyed, or whatever. Cuz I think I'm still afraid that you are, actually. But, I mean, obviously don't tell me something that's not true..." Nick groaned a little in frustration, moving his hands up to cover his eyes once again.
"Will you just.... tell me whatever you are feeling?"
His mind swirled with all the reasons why that was a completely unfair ask right now, trying to come up with permission or reassurances or alternatives or something else he could offer Rav right now, but he was tired of talking. Anything else would be babbling, and just tighten the knot of cringe in his chest. Except... Nick reached up to cover his face again as he finally let out another sob, and then another, and then a whole cascade of them, whatever resolve had held them at bay running out. Maybe--gods, Nick could hope--maybe he'd said what he needed to say, and he'd be able to come out the other side of this without whatever inescapable insecurity he'd been afraid of. He'd find out one way or another when he was on the other side of this, he supposed.
"Well," Rav said, "I'm not annoyed, if that helps." Nick brought his gaze back to Rav and nodded faintly--that was good to hear--but hesitation crept into the gesture; did he actually trust Rav, in this moment? Or would some part of him always be convinced that Rav must be annoyed, and Nick was just making it worse asking him to assuage Nick's own discomfort about it?
"And..." Rav continued, "Is there something that would help you feel... safer or more comfortable with me now?"
Nick's eyes studied the man's face some more, teeth continuing to nibble at lip. The knot was coming back into his throat, and fear was starting to rise in his chest about that, but he tried to relax around it and just let it happen, let the tears start rising in his eyes.
"I guess..." Nick said tentatively, surprised by how warbly his voice already was now. He let out a small sigh, a slightly wry smile on his face as his eyes averted back to the string lights again.
"Maybe it's, uhm, less that you'd be annoyed, so much as, um..." Good grief, his throat ached. He closed his eyes and let his hands reach up to rub at the muscles just under the hinges of his jaw, trying to beg something he didn't fully understand to relax. But, he worried that the only thing that would do it was just finally sobbing--which he was still afraid to do. So, what would help him feel safer? If there was no path to trusting Rav, then Nick was just wasting both of their time. But, there had to be a way.
"If you do feel annoyed, or whatever... " What? What could Nick possibly ask for? His hands moved up to cover his face, his stamina running out. He didn't have many words left before he'd need to cry. His throat hurt so much. So, what was the thing that would actually be relieving to say?
"I'm scared that'd be it." A soft sob did hitch-hike out on that breath, and Nick nibbled down on his lip. He felt an urge to apologize, but did his best to breathe it out, shaky as he felt. He gathered his feet up onto the futon, his knees bunching up in front of his chest, hugging his elbows which still held his hands up over his face.
"Maybe not, like, immediately," Nick added after a moment, relieved to find a little more stability in his voice now, a tiny bit of relief in his throat. "But, like... inevitably." He sighed, then--a big, heavy exhale, and then lowered his hands to rest over his heart, his eyes remaining closed while he thought. Did any of this answer what would make him feel safer or more comfortable with Rav right now? One thought that occurred to him to ask for seemed absurd, and he reached one hand up to rub at his hair with some embarrassment, but he did nonetheless turn his head just enough to look at Rav again, contemplating the possibility.
"Honestly, as I sit with it...." he chewed on the inside of his cheek and averted his gaze back toward the string lights again, too shy to watch Rav's expression while he said this. "I almost want you to say that you are annoyed, or whatever. Cuz I think I'm still afraid that you are, actually. But, I mean, obviously don't tell me something that's not true..." Nick groaned a little in frustration, moving his hands up to cover his eyes once again.
"Will you just.... tell me whatever you are feeling?"
His mind swirled with all the reasons why that was a completely unfair ask right now, trying to come up with permission or reassurances or alternatives or something else he could offer Rav right now, but he was tired of talking. Anything else would be babbling, and just tighten the knot of cringe in his chest. Except... Nick reached up to cover his face again as he finally let out another sob, and then another, and then a whole cascade of them, whatever resolve had held them at bay running out. Maybe--gods, Nick could hope--maybe he'd said what he needed to say, and he'd be able to come out the other side of this without whatever inescapable insecurity he'd been afraid of. He'd find out one way or another when he was on the other side of this, he supposed.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick's teeth bit his bottom lip as he looked back at Rav, and Rav's eyebrows raised, something softening in his chest.
"I guess," Nick started, his voice wobbling off kilter. Aware of how near to tears he was, Nick sighed and looked at Rav with a knowing smile, though he continued on, "Maybe it's, uhm, less that you'd be annoyed, so much as, um..." As Nick closed his eyes and began rubbing at his jaw, Rav shifted again, unsure where Nick was going.
"If you do feel annoyed, or whatever..." Nick said, pressing forward or maybe backtracking. Rav furrowed his brow, trying to follow. "I'm scared that'd be it." Nick made a choking sound and bit his lower lip again, harder this time, and Rav raised his eyebrows with concern. But, no, this was good, right? Nick crying is ultimately where they both wanted to get to. Before Rav get too distracted by wondering what kind of person went on a date where the end goal became trying to get the other person to cry, he refocused on what Nick had actually said. That'd be it. What did Nick mean? Like, they would never see each other again? Was he already so attached to the alternative?
Nick's breath was shaky, but he managed to keep going, "Maybe not, like, immediately, but, like, inevitably." Nick sighed then, and Rav heard some relief in the confession. As if to confirm Rav's suspicion, Nick brought his hands to his chest, eyes closed. Rav tried to pull some reassuring words together, but he wasn't sure he could make any promises here. Before he could string his thoughts together, Nick rubbed at the back of his head and spoke again.
"Honestly, as I sit with it... I almost want you to say that you are annoyed, or whatever. Cuz I think I'm still afraid that you are actually. But, I mean, obviously don't tell me something that's not true..." As Nick kept going, biting the inside of his cheek now and turning away to look at the string lights, Rav thought that this was exactly the moment in movies when the main character kissed the love interest to shut them up already. Rav's mouth quirked at the thought, but he kept his hands in his pockets. That would not be practicing good consent or going slow. No, romance movie moments were off the table for Rav, maybe indefinitely. A stone hardened in his chest as he made that realization, but he managed to focus back on Nick.
Nick had covered his eyes, groaning in frustration, and Rav again had the urge to reassure Nick. But what was there to say?
"Will you just... tell me whatever you are feeling?" Nick finally asked, giving Rav a proper direction to work with.
But then Nick made that choking sound again, and again, and soon he was fully sobbing. Rav's first reaction was delight and relief--Nick was trusting him with his tears and not telling him to leave. Then again, what if Nick had simply hit a breaking point and it didn't actually matter that it had happened in front of Rav? Rav sighed, frustrated that he couldn't hold Nick the way he wanted to and tempted to run away again. He could just say, you're right--this isn't working, and hightail it out of here.
But, at the same token, if this whole relationship was doomed anyway, then maybe it was worth trying to work through some of his baggage. What happened if Rav didn't run away? He didn't have anything else to lose here, so maybe confessions were warranted. Maybe he could just bare his soul and be done with it.
In the end, he stood up, shedding his jacket and shaking out his hands, letting his exhales be loud and dramatic. Hell, he just wanted to shake his whole body out--there was a lot of tension in the air, and he was tired of sitting still.
"I'm just going to go stream of consciousness here," Rav said, eyes closed, still shaking. "I'm really fucking glad you're crying..." Glad? Are you serious right now? Great way to start, Rav thought. "Or rather, glad you're crying despite me. I was annoyed when I was outside, but I think it was mostly because I didn't understand. But, like, it's okay for me to be annoyed. That's going to happen. I'm easy to annoy. And I was annoyed about you not crying, if anything. And, yeah, I blame myself. It's hard not to. I've been the reason things go south in the past, so it makes sense. But I know I gotta figure that out eventually. It's a process, and a lot of that is happening behind the scenes, and it's just going to be part of interacting with me." Rav took a couple breaths, changing up the way he was shaking to let his arms swing from side to side.
"I'm terrified of doing something wrong with you, and I'm probably going to if I haven't already, but you inspire so many fantasies in me, and I like them, and I like you, and I wish that were enough. I like your lip biting and when you cover your hands with your face and when you decorate with string lights and when you dance with me and when you blush and..." Rav lost his train of thought for a moment, taking another deep breath as he bounced on his feet to keep the shaking going.
"I can't promise fuck-all after today. Maybe I'll be chicken shit and leave or maybe I'll be brave and keep throwing my heart out on the floor in front of you. I don't know. But I didn't leave, even though part of me wanted to. And I felt so much fucking relief when you started crying. And I just don't know that I'll get another opportunity to try, so I want to try. And I want to try with you. And, so what if we never see each other again? We're... learning something. I think. I hope."
Feeling empty of words, Rav shook his hands in front of himself a few more times for good measure and then came to stillness where he stood before squinting one eye open at a time to check in with where Nick had landed with all that.
"I guess," Nick started, his voice wobbling off kilter. Aware of how near to tears he was, Nick sighed and looked at Rav with a knowing smile, though he continued on, "Maybe it's, uhm, less that you'd be annoyed, so much as, um..." As Nick closed his eyes and began rubbing at his jaw, Rav shifted again, unsure where Nick was going.
"If you do feel annoyed, or whatever..." Nick said, pressing forward or maybe backtracking. Rav furrowed his brow, trying to follow. "I'm scared that'd be it." Nick made a choking sound and bit his lower lip again, harder this time, and Rav raised his eyebrows with concern. But, no, this was good, right? Nick crying is ultimately where they both wanted to get to. Before Rav get too distracted by wondering what kind of person went on a date where the end goal became trying to get the other person to cry, he refocused on what Nick had actually said. That'd be it. What did Nick mean? Like, they would never see each other again? Was he already so attached to the alternative?
Nick's breath was shaky, but he managed to keep going, "Maybe not, like, immediately, but, like, inevitably." Nick sighed then, and Rav heard some relief in the confession. As if to confirm Rav's suspicion, Nick brought his hands to his chest, eyes closed. Rav tried to pull some reassuring words together, but he wasn't sure he could make any promises here. Before he could string his thoughts together, Nick rubbed at the back of his head and spoke again.
"Honestly, as I sit with it... I almost want you to say that you are annoyed, or whatever. Cuz I think I'm still afraid that you are actually. But, I mean, obviously don't tell me something that's not true..." As Nick kept going, biting the inside of his cheek now and turning away to look at the string lights, Rav thought that this was exactly the moment in movies when the main character kissed the love interest to shut them up already. Rav's mouth quirked at the thought, but he kept his hands in his pockets. That would not be practicing good consent or going slow. No, romance movie moments were off the table for Rav, maybe indefinitely. A stone hardened in his chest as he made that realization, but he managed to focus back on Nick.
Nick had covered his eyes, groaning in frustration, and Rav again had the urge to reassure Nick. But what was there to say?
"Will you just... tell me whatever you are feeling?" Nick finally asked, giving Rav a proper direction to work with.
But then Nick made that choking sound again, and again, and soon he was fully sobbing. Rav's first reaction was delight and relief--Nick was trusting him with his tears and not telling him to leave. Then again, what if Nick had simply hit a breaking point and it didn't actually matter that it had happened in front of Rav? Rav sighed, frustrated that he couldn't hold Nick the way he wanted to and tempted to run away again. He could just say, you're right--this isn't working, and hightail it out of here.
But, at the same token, if this whole relationship was doomed anyway, then maybe it was worth trying to work through some of his baggage. What happened if Rav didn't run away? He didn't have anything else to lose here, so maybe confessions were warranted. Maybe he could just bare his soul and be done with it.
In the end, he stood up, shedding his jacket and shaking out his hands, letting his exhales be loud and dramatic. Hell, he just wanted to shake his whole body out--there was a lot of tension in the air, and he was tired of sitting still.
"I'm just going to go stream of consciousness here," Rav said, eyes closed, still shaking. "I'm really fucking glad you're crying..." Glad? Are you serious right now? Great way to start, Rav thought. "Or rather, glad you're crying despite me. I was annoyed when I was outside, but I think it was mostly because I didn't understand. But, like, it's okay for me to be annoyed. That's going to happen. I'm easy to annoy. And I was annoyed about you not crying, if anything. And, yeah, I blame myself. It's hard not to. I've been the reason things go south in the past, so it makes sense. But I know I gotta figure that out eventually. It's a process, and a lot of that is happening behind the scenes, and it's just going to be part of interacting with me." Rav took a couple breaths, changing up the way he was shaking to let his arms swing from side to side.
"I'm terrified of doing something wrong with you, and I'm probably going to if I haven't already, but you inspire so many fantasies in me, and I like them, and I like you, and I wish that were enough. I like your lip biting and when you cover your hands with your face and when you decorate with string lights and when you dance with me and when you blush and..." Rav lost his train of thought for a moment, taking another deep breath as he bounced on his feet to keep the shaking going.
"I can't promise fuck-all after today. Maybe I'll be chicken shit and leave or maybe I'll be brave and keep throwing my heart out on the floor in front of you. I don't know. But I didn't leave, even though part of me wanted to. And I felt so much fucking relief when you started crying. And I just don't know that I'll get another opportunity to try, so I want to try. And I want to try with you. And, so what if we never see each other again? We're... learning something. I think. I hope."
Feeling empty of words, Rav shook his hands in front of himself a few more times for good measure and then came to stillness where he stood before squinting one eye open at a time to check in with where Nick had landed with all that.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick felt Rav stand up front the couch and felt a lurch of despair, sure that the man was going to leave. He hugged his arms around his legs, burying his face in his knees, and let go of any remaining attempts to stop his sobbing; whatever had been done was done, and at this point, he might as well get the damn knot out of his throat.
But, Nick also heard the rustling of what might have been Rav's jacket, and several loud exhales.
"I'm just going to go stream of consciousness here," Rav said, and Nick gasped mid-sob; a clumsy, sloppy sound, but it helped interrupt the barrage through his throat. The sobs kept coming after, but they were lighter, slower; a creek instead of a waterfall.
"I'm really fucking glad you're crying..." And then, a laugh of all things interrupted Nick's tears, though it was hard to say if it sounded any different from a sob, really. It sure did feel different, though. It felt really good, and it warmed the sounds that followed, and even made space for Nick to sit up just enough to rub at his eyes with the heel of one hand.
"Or rather, glad you're crying despite me. I was annoyed when I was outside, but I think it was mostly because I didn't understand. But, like, it's okay for me to be annoyed. That's going to happen."
Nick nodded, his hand still wiping at his eyes as he choked out a few wetter sobs again. It was scary to hear that Rav had been annoyed... but, of course, he was right that that needed to be okay. And, didn't it mean the world that he had been annoyed and had come back inside anyway?
"I'm easy to annoy," Rav went on, earning another laugh-sob, though this one was quieter and had less of a ripple. "And I was annoyed about you not crying, if anything. And, yeah, I blame myself. It's hard not to. I've been the reason things go south in the past, so it makes sense. But I know I gotta figure that out eventually. It's a process, and a lot of that is happening behind the scenes, and it's just going to be part of interacting with me."
Nick nodded again, though he really had no idea if Rav was even looking at him. Had there been sounds of movement this whole time? Nick finally had enough composure to look at Rav, ready to take in whatever the sight of him would be. He was shaking his body, his arms swinging from side to side, and Nick's sobs quieted a little with a wave of awe.
"I'm terrified of doing something wrong with you, and I'm probably going to if I haven't already, but you inspire so many fantasies in me, and I like them, and I like you, and I wish that were enough. I like your lip biting and when you cover your hands with your face and when you decorate with string lights and when you dance with me and when you blush and..."
Nick's eyebrows raised, his sobs entirely quieted now as his breath escaped him, though he did sniffle and breathe a little haltingly as his lungs moved past the moment.
"I can't promise fuck-all after today. Maybe I'll be chicken shit and leave or maybe I'll be brave and keep throwing my heart out on the floor in front of you. I don't know. But I didn't leave, even though part of me wanted to. And I felt so much fucking relief when you started crying. And I just don't know that I'll get another opportunity to try, so I want to try. And I want to try with you. And, so what if we never see each other again? We're... learning something. I think. I hope."
Nick nodded again, though this time he knew full well that Rav didn't see, his eyes closed as he continued bouncing on his feet and shaking out his hands. Nick wondered if he needed to do something similar with his own body, but he liked the comfort of hugging his legs close, and moving felt a bit daunting. Besides, especially with the shower curtain drawn, there wasn't a ton of space for two bodies to move around the coffee table down here. So, instead, Nick just focused on his breathing, trying to smoothe out his lungs residual quavers now that his throat finally felt loose. He wiped at his eyes again, too, tears still flowing, and once he finished that and looked back to Rav, Rav's eyes were open, looking at Nick.
Nick swallowed and hugged his knees a little tighter, sitting up off the back of the futon as he did so. Then, he nodded again, now that Rav could see the gesture, and he offered a timid smile, though something about moving those muscles around his mouth in that way prompted another sob--or maybe this was one of the laughs, actually, erupting from his lungs in a single huff and sending more tears pouring down his cheeks, prompting another wipe of his free hand over his eyes.
Nick took in a deep breath after that, grateful that he could stabilize relatively easily now, and he pressed his free hand against his chest, closing his eyes as he breathed out. Then, he raised his eyes to Rav again, turning up that timid smile once more, and he breathed steadily now, at least for the moment.
"I feel... embarassed," Nick said with yet another laugh-sob, but this one more obviously a laugh, easily recovered from with another wipe of his eyes. "And relieved. Really, really relieved."
As if to confirm that for himself, Nick relaxed back against the futon, finally releasing his knees from his grasp and letting one foot slid off the couch onto the floor, the other flagging its knee off to the side a little. His hand also gently touched his throat. There was some residual ache, but no more knot. Nick felt so grateful. He looked at Rav with affection, wanting desperately now to give Rav something, some reflection of the relief and gratitude that Nick felt. He thought of the cascade of things that Rav had shared that he liked, felt the warmth of it in his chest, and sat up a little again, hands resting on his calf as he leaned forward, earnestness emboldening his expression.
"I really like the fantasies that you share with me, and..." well, the boldness only lasted so long before shyness emerged right over it, and Nick flicked his eyes to the side, but kept his speech going, "... and, I like the fantasies you inspire in me, too. And I like when you bounce on your feet, and look me in the eyes, and ..." Tears started to blur Nick's vision again, and once again he reached a hand up to wipe at his eyes, sniffing as his lungs faltered briefly again. "And I'm really sad that..." His voice faltered, and he nibbled at his lip a moment, though an airy laugh erupted again as he recalled that Rav had listed that among the things that he liked. Nick shook his head a little at himself, and drew his gaze earnestly back to Rav.
"I'd really like it if.... if you still wanted to hold me, after all that." His brows furrowed hopefully, though anxiety did buzz in around the edges. Did Nick need to add any other qualifiers, make sure that Rav had a safe way to say no? One of Nick's hands rubbed at his chest, the other clutching his calf. He resolved to hold his tongue, and simply await Rav's response, lest he spill into babbling and sabotage the possibility altogether.
But, Nick also heard the rustling of what might have been Rav's jacket, and several loud exhales.
"I'm just going to go stream of consciousness here," Rav said, and Nick gasped mid-sob; a clumsy, sloppy sound, but it helped interrupt the barrage through his throat. The sobs kept coming after, but they were lighter, slower; a creek instead of a waterfall.
"I'm really fucking glad you're crying..." And then, a laugh of all things interrupted Nick's tears, though it was hard to say if it sounded any different from a sob, really. It sure did feel different, though. It felt really good, and it warmed the sounds that followed, and even made space for Nick to sit up just enough to rub at his eyes with the heel of one hand.
"Or rather, glad you're crying despite me. I was annoyed when I was outside, but I think it was mostly because I didn't understand. But, like, it's okay for me to be annoyed. That's going to happen."
Nick nodded, his hand still wiping at his eyes as he choked out a few wetter sobs again. It was scary to hear that Rav had been annoyed... but, of course, he was right that that needed to be okay. And, didn't it mean the world that he had been annoyed and had come back inside anyway?
"I'm easy to annoy," Rav went on, earning another laugh-sob, though this one was quieter and had less of a ripple. "And I was annoyed about you not crying, if anything. And, yeah, I blame myself. It's hard not to. I've been the reason things go south in the past, so it makes sense. But I know I gotta figure that out eventually. It's a process, and a lot of that is happening behind the scenes, and it's just going to be part of interacting with me."
Nick nodded again, though he really had no idea if Rav was even looking at him. Had there been sounds of movement this whole time? Nick finally had enough composure to look at Rav, ready to take in whatever the sight of him would be. He was shaking his body, his arms swinging from side to side, and Nick's sobs quieted a little with a wave of awe.
"I'm terrified of doing something wrong with you, and I'm probably going to if I haven't already, but you inspire so many fantasies in me, and I like them, and I like you, and I wish that were enough. I like your lip biting and when you cover your hands with your face and when you decorate with string lights and when you dance with me and when you blush and..."
Nick's eyebrows raised, his sobs entirely quieted now as his breath escaped him, though he did sniffle and breathe a little haltingly as his lungs moved past the moment.
"I can't promise fuck-all after today. Maybe I'll be chicken shit and leave or maybe I'll be brave and keep throwing my heart out on the floor in front of you. I don't know. But I didn't leave, even though part of me wanted to. And I felt so much fucking relief when you started crying. And I just don't know that I'll get another opportunity to try, so I want to try. And I want to try with you. And, so what if we never see each other again? We're... learning something. I think. I hope."
Nick nodded again, though this time he knew full well that Rav didn't see, his eyes closed as he continued bouncing on his feet and shaking out his hands. Nick wondered if he needed to do something similar with his own body, but he liked the comfort of hugging his legs close, and moving felt a bit daunting. Besides, especially with the shower curtain drawn, there wasn't a ton of space for two bodies to move around the coffee table down here. So, instead, Nick just focused on his breathing, trying to smoothe out his lungs residual quavers now that his throat finally felt loose. He wiped at his eyes again, too, tears still flowing, and once he finished that and looked back to Rav, Rav's eyes were open, looking at Nick.
Nick swallowed and hugged his knees a little tighter, sitting up off the back of the futon as he did so. Then, he nodded again, now that Rav could see the gesture, and he offered a timid smile, though something about moving those muscles around his mouth in that way prompted another sob--or maybe this was one of the laughs, actually, erupting from his lungs in a single huff and sending more tears pouring down his cheeks, prompting another wipe of his free hand over his eyes.
Nick took in a deep breath after that, grateful that he could stabilize relatively easily now, and he pressed his free hand against his chest, closing his eyes as he breathed out. Then, he raised his eyes to Rav again, turning up that timid smile once more, and he breathed steadily now, at least for the moment.
"I feel... embarassed," Nick said with yet another laugh-sob, but this one more obviously a laugh, easily recovered from with another wipe of his eyes. "And relieved. Really, really relieved."
As if to confirm that for himself, Nick relaxed back against the futon, finally releasing his knees from his grasp and letting one foot slid off the couch onto the floor, the other flagging its knee off to the side a little. His hand also gently touched his throat. There was some residual ache, but no more knot. Nick felt so grateful. He looked at Rav with affection, wanting desperately now to give Rav something, some reflection of the relief and gratitude that Nick felt. He thought of the cascade of things that Rav had shared that he liked, felt the warmth of it in his chest, and sat up a little again, hands resting on his calf as he leaned forward, earnestness emboldening his expression.
"I really like the fantasies that you share with me, and..." well, the boldness only lasted so long before shyness emerged right over it, and Nick flicked his eyes to the side, but kept his speech going, "... and, I like the fantasies you inspire in me, too. And I like when you bounce on your feet, and look me in the eyes, and ..." Tears started to blur Nick's vision again, and once again he reached a hand up to wipe at his eyes, sniffing as his lungs faltered briefly again. "And I'm really sad that..." His voice faltered, and he nibbled at his lip a moment, though an airy laugh erupted again as he recalled that Rav had listed that among the things that he liked. Nick shook his head a little at himself, and drew his gaze earnestly back to Rav.
"I'd really like it if.... if you still wanted to hold me, after all that." His brows furrowed hopefully, though anxiety did buzz in around the edges. Did Nick need to add any other qualifiers, make sure that Rav had a safe way to say no? One of Nick's hands rubbed at his chest, the other clutching his calf. He resolved to hold his tongue, and simply await Rav's response, lest he spill into babbling and sabotage the possibility altogether.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick was wiping his eyes, and Rav wasn't sure whether that was a good sign or a bad one. Rav felt awkward continuing to stand as Nick hugged his knees against himself more tightly and leaned forward. He nodded, and Rav still didn't know what that meant. Was Nick going to leave him alone in his confession again? Ah, yes, more annoyance.
But, there was a small smile and another choke of a sob--or maybe a laugh--followed by a fresh flood of tears, and Rav's shoulders relaxed, his palms flexing. Nick took in another deep breath, touched his chest, closed his eyes, and then met Rav's gaze, prompting Rav to raise his eyebrows a little expectantly.
"I feel... embarrassed," Nick said with another choking laugh, "and relieved. Really really relieved." Maybe Rav was just so stuck in his own head that nothing he said felt like a revelation to him, but he didn't really understand what had cracked Nick open. He supposed he just had to be grateful that something did.
Nick relaxed backward against the couch, letting one foot slide to the floor, as one hand touched his throat. And, Nick was looking at him with a new expression, wide-eyed with a relaxed mouth, and Rav didn't know how to make sense of it.
Resting his hands on his calf, Nick said, "I really like the fantasies you share with me, and... and, I like the fantasies you inspire in me, too. And I like when you bounce on your feet, and look me in the eyes, and..." Nick was crying again, and Rav was starting to get comfortable with treating that as a good thing. "And I'm really sad that..." Nick interrupted himself to nibble his lip and shake his head, an airy laugh making its way out of his shaky breathing. "I'd really like it if... if you still wanted to hold me, after all that." Nick's brows pulled up and together as he waited expectantly for an answer.
Nick's response had created both new tension and new relaxation in Rav, but on the whole, he thought he felt better than before he started shaking. He didn't exactly know how to hold Nick in the half-curled position he was currently in, but they could surely figure that part out. He narrowed his eyes and looked sidelong at Nick as he contemplated the offer.
Had they checked in? Gods, yes. Freshly and also many times before now.
Had they gone slow? Rav didn't know how they could have gone slower.
Was it fair? Both of them wanted this--Rav had never stopped wanting this, and Nick had just said that he would like it. Really like it. Couldn't Rav trust that?
At some point, if Nick changed his mind, he needed to communicate that and not expect Rav to be a mind reader. That's what was fair. Rav could do what he could to listen and be attentive, but he wasn't going to be perfect, and he was going to have to live with that.
Echoes of when Rav had offered to hold Nick and when Nick had agreed too readily with a waver in his voice came to mind, but checking that memory against this moment, Rav felt even more confident that they had covered all their bases. Rav sighed and shook his head down at the floor only to come back to look at Nick with a crooked smile on his face.
"You like the way I look at you, huh?" Rav said with a light chuckle, not breaking eye contact. He took a deep breath and then said, "Yes, Nick, I would still like to hold you." And then Rav sat back down on the couch facing Nick, his legs slightly apart with his back up against the armrest, ready for whatever position Nick wanted to put himself into.
But, there was a small smile and another choke of a sob--or maybe a laugh--followed by a fresh flood of tears, and Rav's shoulders relaxed, his palms flexing. Nick took in another deep breath, touched his chest, closed his eyes, and then met Rav's gaze, prompting Rav to raise his eyebrows a little expectantly.
"I feel... embarrassed," Nick said with another choking laugh, "and relieved. Really really relieved." Maybe Rav was just so stuck in his own head that nothing he said felt like a revelation to him, but he didn't really understand what had cracked Nick open. He supposed he just had to be grateful that something did.
Nick relaxed backward against the couch, letting one foot slide to the floor, as one hand touched his throat. And, Nick was looking at him with a new expression, wide-eyed with a relaxed mouth, and Rav didn't know how to make sense of it.
Resting his hands on his calf, Nick said, "I really like the fantasies you share with me, and... and, I like the fantasies you inspire in me, too. And I like when you bounce on your feet, and look me in the eyes, and..." Nick was crying again, and Rav was starting to get comfortable with treating that as a good thing. "And I'm really sad that..." Nick interrupted himself to nibble his lip and shake his head, an airy laugh making its way out of his shaky breathing. "I'd really like it if... if you still wanted to hold me, after all that." Nick's brows pulled up and together as he waited expectantly for an answer.
Nick's response had created both new tension and new relaxation in Rav, but on the whole, he thought he felt better than before he started shaking. He didn't exactly know how to hold Nick in the half-curled position he was currently in, but they could surely figure that part out. He narrowed his eyes and looked sidelong at Nick as he contemplated the offer.
Had they checked in? Gods, yes. Freshly and also many times before now.
Had they gone slow? Rav didn't know how they could have gone slower.
Was it fair? Both of them wanted this--Rav had never stopped wanting this, and Nick had just said that he would like it. Really like it. Couldn't Rav trust that?
At some point, if Nick changed his mind, he needed to communicate that and not expect Rav to be a mind reader. That's what was fair. Rav could do what he could to listen and be attentive, but he wasn't going to be perfect, and he was going to have to live with that.
Echoes of when Rav had offered to hold Nick and when Nick had agreed too readily with a waver in his voice came to mind, but checking that memory against this moment, Rav felt even more confident that they had covered all their bases. Rav sighed and shook his head down at the floor only to come back to look at Nick with a crooked smile on his face.
"You like the way I look at you, huh?" Rav said with a light chuckle, not breaking eye contact. He took a deep breath and then said, "Yes, Nick, I would still like to hold you." And then Rav sat back down on the couch facing Nick, his legs slightly apart with his back up against the armrest, ready for whatever position Nick wanted to put himself into.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav narrowed his eyes at Nick, but overall looked more relaxed, Nick thought. Or hoped, maybe. But, well, he wasn't shaking anymore, so that was something. And, he supposed it was good that Rav was taking a moment before answering, even if it did mean that Nick had to sit in this rattling, anxious buzzing while he did. Nick bit down on his lip again--genuinely just a nervous habit at first, but then it brought a lightness to his mood, reminding him yet again that Rav had said that he liked that. Granted, it added an extra touch of embarassment, and Nick tilted his head down a little, casting his gaze over toward the string lights. But, it was undeniable that his lips were curled in a shy smile.
He finally managed to bring his gaze back when he heard Rav sigh. The man shook his head down at the floor, but when he brought his gaze back to Nick's, he held a crooked smile on his face that made Nick feel pleasantly warm, easing Nick's own smile, also.
"You like the way I look at you, huh?" Rav said with a light chuckle, and Nick's eyebrows shot up, his spine straightening with surprise. A strange, almost dread-like pulse hit his lower abdomen, but it wasn't unpleasant; quite the opposite, really. Nick swallowed, anticipation building as Rav took in a deep breath, prepaing to say something else.
"Yes, Nick, I would still like to hold you."
Nick nodded, tears welling up again even as his smile spread wide. He once again wiped at his eyes, excitement building as Rav moved over onto the couch beside him. Once Rav was settled, Nick was still for a long, shaky breath, taking in the position that Rav had chosen and contemplating what invitations seemed to be on the table from that. To Nick's utter delight, the man looked wide open, even his legs up on the couch and parted, inviting. Nick had a fantasy to all but dive into the man, but he reminded himself to go slow. He began by simply shifting up onto his knees, planting them gently on the couch between Rav's feet to confirm that the man's parted legs were indeed open for existing between.
Sensing no closing up, Nick continued his slow, smooth approach by leaning over Rav, settling his hands on the couch on either side of the man's waist, his eyes transfixed on the man's face as he moved. Tears began to blur his vision yet again, but he didn't want to interrupt his movement to wipe his eyes. The tears were just simply going to need to be a part of it. He smiled crookedly, feeling a little embarrassed but choosing to trust that Rav had already accepted his teariness. He felt into the skin and muscle of his own body, the heat between their bodies, attentive for what it might feel like if Rav was tensing up or pulling away. Just like contact improv, he mused. It wasn't all on his side to keep track of how this was going.
At last, feeling confident enough that Rav was still open to him, Nick gently leaned forward to rest his cheek against the man's chest, wrapping his arms between Rav's lower back and the couch, and twisting his hips to settle in between Rav's legs, Nick's knees bending together beneath one of Rav's. He let out a long, deep, contented sigh as he settled deeper into the position, giving Rav a gentle squeeze with his arms and nuzzling his cheek against the man's shirt, absolutely radiating gratitude to finally be here.
He finally managed to bring his gaze back when he heard Rav sigh. The man shook his head down at the floor, but when he brought his gaze back to Nick's, he held a crooked smile on his face that made Nick feel pleasantly warm, easing Nick's own smile, also.
"You like the way I look at you, huh?" Rav said with a light chuckle, and Nick's eyebrows shot up, his spine straightening with surprise. A strange, almost dread-like pulse hit his lower abdomen, but it wasn't unpleasant; quite the opposite, really. Nick swallowed, anticipation building as Rav took in a deep breath, prepaing to say something else.
"Yes, Nick, I would still like to hold you."
Nick nodded, tears welling up again even as his smile spread wide. He once again wiped at his eyes, excitement building as Rav moved over onto the couch beside him. Once Rav was settled, Nick was still for a long, shaky breath, taking in the position that Rav had chosen and contemplating what invitations seemed to be on the table from that. To Nick's utter delight, the man looked wide open, even his legs up on the couch and parted, inviting. Nick had a fantasy to all but dive into the man, but he reminded himself to go slow. He began by simply shifting up onto his knees, planting them gently on the couch between Rav's feet to confirm that the man's parted legs were indeed open for existing between.
Sensing no closing up, Nick continued his slow, smooth approach by leaning over Rav, settling his hands on the couch on either side of the man's waist, his eyes transfixed on the man's face as he moved. Tears began to blur his vision yet again, but he didn't want to interrupt his movement to wipe his eyes. The tears were just simply going to need to be a part of it. He smiled crookedly, feeling a little embarrassed but choosing to trust that Rav had already accepted his teariness. He felt into the skin and muscle of his own body, the heat between their bodies, attentive for what it might feel like if Rav was tensing up or pulling away. Just like contact improv, he mused. It wasn't all on his side to keep track of how this was going.
At last, feeling confident enough that Rav was still open to him, Nick gently leaned forward to rest his cheek against the man's chest, wrapping his arms between Rav's lower back and the couch, and twisting his hips to settle in between Rav's legs, Nick's knees bending together beneath one of Rav's. He let out a long, deep, contented sigh as he settled deeper into the position, giving Rav a gentle squeeze with his arms and nuzzling his cheek against the man's shirt, absolutely radiating gratitude to finally be here.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav braced himself internally as Nick did not move and his breath was still unsteady, but he soon came closer to Rav by shifting up onto his knees, which put him just barely in between Rav's feet. This was fine, comfortable and exciting, even. Rav's lips curled softly into a smile. Nick was still tear-strewn with a shy smile as he set his hands on either side of Rav's torso, and Rav took a deep breath, waiting for however Nick wanted to settle in. It was exciting, not needing to be the one to move. When they had danced together, both of them were always moving, but here, Rav only needed to accept. It was slightly terrifying, allowing Nick to make the decisions about how to move and adjust, but Rav told himself that he could always get up if necessary. Nothing here was fixed or static.
There was a subtle heat radiating off Nick, probably residual stress and anxiety, but it was also pleasant to be inside. Rav hadn't realized that his limbs had gotten chilly, probably after having gone out, and he tensed momentarily as he realized that his arms might be cold coming around Nick, but he managed to relax in short order. Nick took that softening as a good sign and rewarded Rav with the comfortable weight of Nick's head on his chest, pulling a gentle sigh from his lips. Nick then more fully wrapped his arms behind Rav and pulled his legs underneath one of Rav's.
When was the last time he had done anything this intimate with anyone? Well, besides Hannah that was, but he wasn't sure that altogether counted since he was paying her. Still, even Hannah wasn't usually this... open, or maybe comfortable. She was playful and caring, affectionate even on a good day, but there was always a wall up, for good reason.
Nick didn't have that wall. Rav wasn't paying him, and he had well and truly earned whatever level of intimacy this was all on his own, he thought. Maybe it had been messy to get here. Maybe it had been uncomfortable and embarrassing. But, gods, as Nick nestled further into him, squeezing Rav's waist and pressing his face deeper into Rav's favorite shirt, he felt worthy.
Rav welcomed Nick's warmth, slowly getting brave enough to rest his arms across Nick's back and gently pull him closer, one hand coming up to gently stroke Nick's hair. It was funny to Rav--had they not had such a difficult time arriving in this place, he might not have felt worthy of this. He might have spent the whole moment anxious about his reactions or if Nick really wanted it or would have gotten stuck in some other thought loop. But, here, now, exhausted by sorting out each of their triggers but having managed it at least somewhat successfully, he was calm. His mind was peaceful. The position was almost meditative, and he didn't feel called toward undue fantasies, at least, for the moment, for which he was grateful.
He held Nick like that for a long while, reluctant to break the silence or in some new way ruin the moment, but eventually he said, "This is nice, Nick. This is really nice. Thank you." He was grateful to have at least one truly beautiful and momentous moment to call up to remember the evening.
There was a subtle heat radiating off Nick, probably residual stress and anxiety, but it was also pleasant to be inside. Rav hadn't realized that his limbs had gotten chilly, probably after having gone out, and he tensed momentarily as he realized that his arms might be cold coming around Nick, but he managed to relax in short order. Nick took that softening as a good sign and rewarded Rav with the comfortable weight of Nick's head on his chest, pulling a gentle sigh from his lips. Nick then more fully wrapped his arms behind Rav and pulled his legs underneath one of Rav's.
When was the last time he had done anything this intimate with anyone? Well, besides Hannah that was, but he wasn't sure that altogether counted since he was paying her. Still, even Hannah wasn't usually this... open, or maybe comfortable. She was playful and caring, affectionate even on a good day, but there was always a wall up, for good reason.
Nick didn't have that wall. Rav wasn't paying him, and he had well and truly earned whatever level of intimacy this was all on his own, he thought. Maybe it had been messy to get here. Maybe it had been uncomfortable and embarrassing. But, gods, as Nick nestled further into him, squeezing Rav's waist and pressing his face deeper into Rav's favorite shirt, he felt worthy.
Rav welcomed Nick's warmth, slowly getting brave enough to rest his arms across Nick's back and gently pull him closer, one hand coming up to gently stroke Nick's hair. It was funny to Rav--had they not had such a difficult time arriving in this place, he might not have felt worthy of this. He might have spent the whole moment anxious about his reactions or if Nick really wanted it or would have gotten stuck in some other thought loop. But, here, now, exhausted by sorting out each of their triggers but having managed it at least somewhat successfully, he was calm. His mind was peaceful. The position was almost meditative, and he didn't feel called toward undue fantasies, at least, for the moment, for which he was grateful.
He held Nick like that for a long while, reluctant to break the silence or in some new way ruin the moment, but eventually he said, "This is nice, Nick. This is really nice. Thank you." He was grateful to have at least one truly beautiful and momentous moment to call up to remember the evening.