The silence that hung between Evan's comments and Xavier's reply was agonizing. The captain kept his hand over his face, terrified to see what might be happening in Xavier's body language and expression. Though, what he saw with his eyes closed wasn't great, either. Xavier had been horrified. Real fear had played across his face when he'd seen Evan's hand in the air. Evan had genuinely scared him, and that cut at Evan's heart, even as part of him thought, of course you scared him; it's good he finally knows what you're really like.
Xavier's stammering just reinforced all of that. Poor boy was flustered to hell, and Evan felt utterly responsible. He shouldn't have tried to fit something so high-risk into such a short amount of time. He should've known better than to put Xavier in that situation. He shouldn't have tricked the boy into thinking that his captain was a safe person to be intimate with in the first place.
Evan listened silently to Xavier get up and get on his boots while continuing to stammer. Evan kept his hand over his eyes, his posture completely stiff and unmoving. Honestly, some part of him was afraid any tiny motion might just hurt Xavier further. He almost felt the same about even speaking, but...
"None of this is your fault."
The captain finally said, softly, cutting it real fucking close to when Xavier would have left for lack of response. Evan could live with Xavier being scared of him--that part of it was completely fucking rational, as far as he was concerned--but he didn't want Xavier to feel guilty for any of it.
Part 1 (Start Reading Here)
Moderator: On Dreams And Desire
Re: Part 1
Xavier didn't hear Evan react and was ready to walk out. He took a step forward before he finally heard Evan's voice, his heart clenching.
Evan was still worried about Xavier's well-being. Whatever happened, Evan did still care about that. That was evident in his comment. But, then, why did Evan...?
Finally, Xavier took a deep breath and turned around.
"Then, please, will you at least tell me what happened?" Xavier gestured vaguely to... Evan's bandage but it could have been to Evan's whole body. Xavier ached to kiss Evan again, to feel like they would overcome this--whatever it was--but he at least needed to feel like Evan's confidante again.
Evan was still worried about Xavier's well-being. Whatever happened, Evan did still care about that. That was evident in his comment. But, then, why did Evan...?
Finally, Xavier took a deep breath and turned around.
"Then, please, will you at least tell me what happened?" Xavier gestured vaguely to... Evan's bandage but it could have been to Evan's whole body. Xavier ached to kiss Evan again, to feel like they would overcome this--whatever it was--but he at least needed to feel like Evan's confidante again.
Re: Part 1
Evan finally lowered his hand to his lap and looked at Xavier, some part admittedly surprised--and relieved--that the boy had replied at all instead of just leaving, and some part picking up on the pained notes in the lieutenant's tone. Evan's expression was apologetic, and more than a little worried. There was... a lot from last night that Evan didn't really want to tell Xavier. Or, at least, that he was scared to. Besides, where could he even start? He guessed the boy was mostly wondering about Evan's bandages, but there wasn't a simple answer to that, not really. Everything from last night was entirely too tangled together. He had to give Xavier something, though; he did feel like he owed the kid that much. The trick was figuring out what he could say that wouldn't somehow sound like he was either bullshitting or batshit crazy.
"The goddess burned me," he finally said, "Trying to do something that I asked her to do. And that was all long after we both pissed each other off royally at the start of the night. I thought I could--" the captain frowned and paused and reached his hand up to rub at his hair, his eyes averting themselves over to the side of the tent.
"I can push through a lot of physical pain, especially when I--" There he paused again, his face reddening dramatically before he hastily continued, "But, it wasn't just physical pain, I guess. Last night was kind of a clusterfuck."
Of course, some part of him felt like he was leading Xavier on again. He could make excuses for why his angry response to Xavier's perfectly innocent action was circumstantial, but that was only true to some extent. He'd liked hitting the goddess, and not just because of what she'd done. Evan's stomach twisted in knots thinking about how Xavier would feel if he really knew the extent of it.
"The goddess burned me," he finally said, "Trying to do something that I asked her to do. And that was all long after we both pissed each other off royally at the start of the night. I thought I could--" the captain frowned and paused and reached his hand up to rub at his hair, his eyes averting themselves over to the side of the tent.
"I can push through a lot of physical pain, especially when I--" There he paused again, his face reddening dramatically before he hastily continued, "But, it wasn't just physical pain, I guess. Last night was kind of a clusterfuck."
Of course, some part of him felt like he was leading Xavier on again. He could make excuses for why his angry response to Xavier's perfectly innocent action was circumstantial, but that was only true to some extent. He'd liked hitting the goddess, and not just because of what she'd done. Evan's stomach twisted in knots thinking about how Xavier would feel if he really knew the extent of it.
Re: Part 1
Xavier's eyes softened as Evan was talking, but he wondered if it was intelligent to want to feel sympathy for Evan. Was Xavier at risk here? Is this how abusive relationships started? Wanting to believe that someone is better than they actually are? He shrugged off that line of thought for now and focused on the information Evan was willing to offer.
The burns, now that he knew that's what they were, did look big enough to be painful, and Xavier knew Evan frequently downplayed his own discomfort. If Xavier's legs had wrapped around and squeezed--*wince*--yeah, okay, ouch. Maybe it was reasonable that Evan wanted to slap him after that? But something about it all didn't real feel like that was quite the right answer.
Then, he thought of something. It was a long shot, but maybe it would help them both understand.
"Are you going back to see her tonight? Even after everything she did to you last night?" Xavier said with genuine curiosity, not giving any hints about what answer he wanted Evan to respond with.
The burns, now that he knew that's what they were, did look big enough to be painful, and Xavier knew Evan frequently downplayed his own discomfort. If Xavier's legs had wrapped around and squeezed--*wince*--yeah, okay, ouch. Maybe it was reasonable that Evan wanted to slap him after that? But something about it all didn't real feel like that was quite the right answer.
Then, he thought of something. It was a long shot, but maybe it would help them both understand.
"Are you going back to see her tonight? Even after everything she did to you last night?" Xavier said with genuine curiosity, not giving any hints about what answer he wanted Evan to respond with.
Re: Part 1
Evan turned his gaze back to Xavier and searched the boy's expression for some hint as to what he was getting at. He couldn't help feeling defensive, wondering whether Xavier would be disgusted at the thought of him going back. But, he couldn't find any hints of such things in the boy's tone or expression, and coming on too defensively wouldn't be the best thing either.
"I mean, yeah," he said hesitantly, his eyes still watching Xavier's expression like a hawk. He was prepared to go on, but waited just long enough to get a sense of Xavier's response--or lack thereof--to his initial reply.
"I mean, yeah," he said hesitantly, his eyes still watching Xavier's expression like a hawk. He was prepared to go on, but waited just long enough to get a sense of Xavier's response--or lack thereof--to his initial reply.
Re: Part 1
Xavier thought it was a good sign that Evan was meeting his eyes, though that did make the neutrally curious expression crack as a slight corner of his mouth turned up. This was exactly the answer Xavier should expect, and yet, something about it did make him feel better. It wasn't like Evan to give up on a cause, and Xavier felt like he could trust this about him now. He had reasons for what he was doing, so he was a rational person.
But, there was more to it than that, and Xavier's face seriously threatened to crack into a smile thinking about it. His lips might have even twitched and trembled, but he managed to get out, "Are you excited to go back tonight?"
But, there was more to it than that, and Xavier's face seriously threatened to crack into a smile thinking about it. His lips might have even twitched and trembled, but he managed to get out, "Are you excited to go back tonight?"
Re: Part 1
Evan was honestly confused about the subtle changes he managed to catch in Xavier's expression, and only grew more confused by the boy's follow-up question. Was Evan excited to go back? He'd been so ready to talk about all the reasons he had to--he still needed to get the rest of their men back, and negotiate for the Shel'ti, not to mention it still seemed absolutely advantageous to free the goddess so she could kill the king for them--he hadn't been prepared to even think about how he felt about it.
At the immediate moment, he felt self-conscious about his state of dress. He sighed and pushed himself to his feet, stubbornly deciding not to care about the initial exposure that came with that, even well aware that his cock was absolutely still erect (and fucking throbbing). He kept his body language fairly neutral, though, as he moved over to collect some clothing and start dressing himself. He turned to face away from Xavier for that process, and was quite a bit less provocative about re-pantsing himself than he had been the day before. Quite frankly, he was thinking.
"Honestly? I'm a lot of things about tonight." He said a little sharply after a moment, once he had his pants on and was working on buttoning them up. "And, yeah, I guess excited is one of them." As he spoke he turned back around to look at Xavier's expression again, once again eager to examine just how the boy was going to respond to that. His own expression was narrow and terse, betraying the defensiveness he felt about this line of questioning.
At the immediate moment, he felt self-conscious about his state of dress. He sighed and pushed himself to his feet, stubbornly deciding not to care about the initial exposure that came with that, even well aware that his cock was absolutely still erect (and fucking throbbing). He kept his body language fairly neutral, though, as he moved over to collect some clothing and start dressing himself. He turned to face away from Xavier for that process, and was quite a bit less provocative about re-pantsing himself than he had been the day before. Quite frankly, he was thinking.
"Honestly? I'm a lot of things about tonight." He said a little sharply after a moment, once he had his pants on and was working on buttoning them up. "And, yeah, I guess excited is one of them." As he spoke he turned back around to look at Xavier's expression again, once again eager to examine just how the boy was going to respond to that. His own expression was narrow and terse, betraying the defensiveness he felt about this line of questioning.
Re: Part 1
Xavier was surprised that Evan started to move. While he was a little afraid--and, if he was being honest, thrilled--that Evan might come toward him, Evan just went and collected his clothes. Oh, right, that made sense. Xavier had wanted his boots after all. The lieutenant tried to look away from Evan getting dressed, but his eyes kept disobeying his orders. Why did Xavier still want all this so badly!
To distract himself, he went over and over Evan's answer. In his mind, he thought, Suppose this explains Evan's giddiness with the lightning bands.
But, it still didn't totally ally Xavier's fears. Not all the way. Maybe he should just come out and ask it. "Is that why you almost slapped me?" His face returned to something of seriousness, though his eyebrows pulled together in a somewhat worried expression. But, by this time, Xavier had turned back around and stepped a little closer in Evan's direction again, his gait curiously sympathetic.
To distract himself, he went over and over Evan's answer. In his mind, he thought, Suppose this explains Evan's giddiness with the lightning bands.
But, it still didn't totally ally Xavier's fears. Not all the way. Maybe he should just come out and ask it. "Is that why you almost slapped me?" His face returned to something of seriousness, though his eyebrows pulled together in a somewhat worried expression. But, by this time, Xavier had turned back around and stepped a little closer in Evan's direction again, his gait curiously sympathetic.
Re: Part 1
Evan's face reddened deeply in response to Xavier's question.
"I--" he stammered, completely caught off-guard. How the fuck was he supposed to answer a question like that? Why would feeling excited to see the goddess again lead Evan to want to slap Xavier? He supposed he had been thinking about the goddess in that moment, which he wasn't sure was exactly the best thing to say to Xavier, but it certainly seemed like the boy was prying, and Evan certainly wasn't going to lie.
"I... mostly wanted to slap her." He grumbled, and leaned down to collect his shirt and slip it on--partly just to distract himself from the fact that Xavier had stepped closer. He found another thought while he was digging around in that part of his brain, though, and hoped it'd be helpful to voice.
"And, I guess, I was pretty frustrated with how the night with her ended, and kinda just wanted to slap anyone about it. The burns are, uh, pretty wrapped up in that part of it, so..."
Pants buttoned and shirt donned, the captain was kind of out of distractions. He could put on his boots, he supposed, but... ugh, fuck that made him think about the table in the goddess' bedroom--not to mention the goddess' rendition of Xavier's crotch the night before--which weren't the kinds of distractions he wanted. He settled for bringing his hand up to rub at his hair, and averting his eyes once again towards the side of the tent.
"I know none of that's an excuse. I'm sorry I scared you. I wish I could say it won't happen again."
"I--" he stammered, completely caught off-guard. How the fuck was he supposed to answer a question like that? Why would feeling excited to see the goddess again lead Evan to want to slap Xavier? He supposed he had been thinking about the goddess in that moment, which he wasn't sure was exactly the best thing to say to Xavier, but it certainly seemed like the boy was prying, and Evan certainly wasn't going to lie.
"I... mostly wanted to slap her." He grumbled, and leaned down to collect his shirt and slip it on--partly just to distract himself from the fact that Xavier had stepped closer. He found another thought while he was digging around in that part of his brain, though, and hoped it'd be helpful to voice.
"And, I guess, I was pretty frustrated with how the night with her ended, and kinda just wanted to slap anyone about it. The burns are, uh, pretty wrapped up in that part of it, so..."
Pants buttoned and shirt donned, the captain was kind of out of distractions. He could put on his boots, he supposed, but... ugh, fuck that made him think about the table in the goddess' bedroom--not to mention the goddess' rendition of Xavier's crotch the night before--which weren't the kinds of distractions he wanted. He settled for bringing his hand up to rub at his hair, and averting his eyes once again towards the side of the tent.
"I know none of that's an excuse. I'm sorry I scared you. I wish I could say it won't happen again."
Re: Part 1
Xavier chewed on the inside of his cheek and looked off to one side while he thought. He could delay things by asking another question. He wanted to know how the night had ended, but it all seemed rather sensitive to Evan right now. It was really the most protective that Xavier had ever seen him.
And then there was Evan's last comment. I wish I could say it won't happen again. Xavier should be afraid of that. He should be. He knew he should be. But...
Then he remembered how he reacted to the thought of being in the lightning bands himself and shivered a little bit, especially with the memory of the shock of Evan's lightning band around his...--that was completely too much, the way the goddess felt it, but... would Xavier have given the experience up for anything?
Would he be disappointed if Evan didn't pin him again? Would he be disappointed if Evan didn't scare him again?
It seemed like his body was saying yes. And plus, it was practically impossible to mistrust Evan. Xavier thought fondly of the last few maneuvers the two of them had planned, not to mention attending the negotiation. There were only three people--not including the men who woke up, he guessed--who had met the goddess in the army, and Xavier had the privilege of being one of them. That had all been Evan's doing. Regardless of how Mizu felt about it, Xavier might have acted similarly to Evan. Who could have passed that up? Being in the presence of a goddess?
Xavier smiled at the thought and decided it probably wasn't time for that yet. He awkwardly tried to get it under control as he continued thinking, sinking into a concentrating expression.
But... wouldn't Evan still do all those things if the two of them just went back to being a captain and his lieutenant? Maybe, but the closeness would be gone, and that's really what Xavier would miss.
"Would she enjoy you slapping her?" Xavier said, and his curious smile absolutely fell out onto his face. Even though he really had been scared, this was quickly starting to become like a game, and Xavier enjoyed playing.
And then there was Evan's last comment. I wish I could say it won't happen again. Xavier should be afraid of that. He should be. He knew he should be. But...
Then he remembered how he reacted to the thought of being in the lightning bands himself and shivered a little bit, especially with the memory of the shock of Evan's lightning band around his...--that was completely too much, the way the goddess felt it, but... would Xavier have given the experience up for anything?
Would he be disappointed if Evan didn't pin him again? Would he be disappointed if Evan didn't scare him again?
It seemed like his body was saying yes. And plus, it was practically impossible to mistrust Evan. Xavier thought fondly of the last few maneuvers the two of them had planned, not to mention attending the negotiation. There were only three people--not including the men who woke up, he guessed--who had met the goddess in the army, and Xavier had the privilege of being one of them. That had all been Evan's doing. Regardless of how Mizu felt about it, Xavier might have acted similarly to Evan. Who could have passed that up? Being in the presence of a goddess?
Xavier smiled at the thought and decided it probably wasn't time for that yet. He awkwardly tried to get it under control as he continued thinking, sinking into a concentrating expression.
But... wouldn't Evan still do all those things if the two of them just went back to being a captain and his lieutenant? Maybe, but the closeness would be gone, and that's really what Xavier would miss.
"Would she enjoy you slapping her?" Xavier said, and his curious smile absolutely fell out onto his face. Even though he really had been scared, this was quickly starting to become like a game, and Xavier enjoyed playing.