Written Wonderland

Yukiko had sat upright again when she noticed Trevor jolt, though she averted her gaze back to the water after she took in his clenched muscles and the bulge in his pants. She didn't mind the sight--not one bit--but she also didn't want to make Trevor any more uncomfortable than he already was, or to make light of the situation. Whatever he was experiencing, it may be arousing his body, but it was also clearly causing him pain, and not necessarily in a way he was enjoying.

His grumble about flashbacks seemed to confirm that, and Yukiko brought her gaze back to him, hoping it wouldn't be too intrusive to do so now, though she was careful to keep her gaze to his face at this point.

"They won't always be this potent." She said carefully, but confidently. She supposed she didn't know that for sure, but Trevor had only been back for a handful of hours; it seemed highly likely that he still had some processing he needed to do before he could fully land here. "For now, just remember where you are. The ground beneath you. The way the river moves. My voice." Truth was, her voice was a bit richer than Trevor was used to as she spoke just then, but it was definitely still her voice, perhaps just significantly more serious than usual. She turned up a slight smile after half a moment, hoping injecting a small dose of brevity would be appreciated and not too abrupt. "Sorry it's not the most pleasant place. The river's not bad, though."

Trevor collected himself quickly, embarrassed and composing himself as quickly as possible.

Trevor set his jaw and listening to Yukiko talk about her voice, about where they were, and gods damn it if he wasn't even more aroused. Why did she have to be talking like that? Maybe it was a lingering element of his flashback. Who could tell? But Trevor was listening and some part him knew that his captain was just trying to calm him down. He took several deep breaths and listened to the sound of the water.

Fuck, what in hell was the world without the goddess?

Trevor raised his eyebrows as Yukiko said, "It's not the most pleasant place." Was she reading his mind? No, that's only the goddess. Gods, he wanted her in his mind again.

Fuck.

He was glad she mentioned the river again, though. That at least was grounding. He came back into his body now and felt like the worst of it was over.

Trevor chewed on the silence for a moment, wondering when it would be appropriate to break. Finally, he said, "Would I be a liability to the cause if I said I would go back to her?"

There. That was the worst of it. Now maybe some of the tension in his body could leave.

Yukiko let a beat of silence stand before she gave a soft, thoughtful hum and turned her gaze back to the water.

"My knee-jerk is no," she said honestly, her shoulders raising in just a subtle shrug. She didn't want to make light of Trevor's concern, but she did want him to see how effortless it was for her to at least imagine that it wasn't a problem before she began diving into nuance. Once she was ready to continue, she leaned back on her elbows again, getting comfy for a thoughtful ramble that she definitely did not want Trevor to feel under scrutiny during.

"But I do suppose it depends. It's one thing if you're able to fully land and continue serving the cause even while knowing you may--even would--defect should a specific situation arise. It's another thing if you're never able to land, and are not willing or able to help us because your only interest is finding your way back to her. Either way, it's probably true that you are liability right now, in the same way you would be if your leg had been sliced in battle and had yet to heal. That doesn't mean you don't belong here."

Trevor listened with a heavy ache in his chest to Yukiko's words. It was, he supposed, to be expected. This mental wound was less visible, sure, but Trevor was definitely experiencing the loss of the goddess as though he had lost a limb. But when Yukiko said, that doesn't mean you don't belong here. Trevor had the urge to cry tears of gratitude. In fact, his eyes did well up, though he managed to wipe them on the arm furthest from Yukiko in a way that was inconspicuous.

Once he had, again, collected himself, the only thing he could do for a few moments was nod. Did he have any other interests in the cause other than getting back to the goddess? Well, he wanted to see the bastard king dead; that much was burned into him, but beyond that? He did feel a strong loyalty to Yukiko, who was not--despite his mind's attempts at conflating the two--the goddess, and if Trevor was being honest right now, his captain was the biggest argument he could find for staying and fighting against the urge to crawl back to the goddess. But, even if he wanted to go back, how would he do it?

Yes, he supposed it would be better to find a way to trudge through the slag that was this fucked-up reality in front of him. Fuck.

Trevor grunted with frustration but calmed himself before saying, "I'll land. I don't know if the draw to return will ever go away, but... I'm sure I can land." He started gritting his teeth at the end of the sentence as though to prove to himself that he could do it. His fists clenched as well, but he was able to release both his hands and his jaw after a few moments.

"I... I..." he turned his head away again. He was getting dangerously close to spilling more information to Yukiko than was surely appropriate, but... "The goddess, when she made me a thrall... she... she..." Trevor wasn't sure that he could get the words out of his mouth. Finally, they fell out all at once. "I died with her. More than once. And... well..." Trevor's face reddened, and he was unable to say anything else. Here was hoping that that was enough for Yukiko to go on.

Yukiko nodded when Trevor said he would land, and her smile visibly widened, though she remained looking towards the water. She would have been content to let another comfortable silence stand, but then Trevor began stammering, and her smile faded. She waited until the second stammer to turn her gaze to face him, her eyes examining his expression with both curiosity and concern. What else was he trying to tell her?

He died, with the goddess? More than once? What did that mean?

Yukiko pursed her lips in thought, regretting that she couldn't immediately understand Trevor. Whatever he was trying to tell her must be even more vulnerable than wanting to go back to the goddess, if his stammering was any indication. But she didn't feel confident enough in any of the hypotheses she was coming up with... though Trevor might wish she could draw correct conclusions from what he had said, she hoped he wouldn't resent a clarifying question too harshly.

"What do you mean, you died with her?"

The captain made sure her voice was light, acknowledging the delicacy of whatever they were talking about. Her eyebrows were raised curiously, though they drew together after a beat in confusion, as another thought came to mind on how she really wanted to clarify her question.

"What does it mean to have died, if you are here, alive, now?"

She genuinely did want to understand, and she prayed her earnestness showed through in her wide-eyed expression.

Trevor met Yukiko's gaze and could not help it. He cracked a smile. A small one, but there it was.

It only lasted a moment, though before Trevor put his hands behind him, leaned into them, and furrowed his eyebrows again trying to find a way to possibly answer her question.

"There's this... nothingness. Or maybe... just the most comfortable, most blissful you've ever been, the absence of any feeling..." He looked up at the clouds in the sky. "But I would always come back again somehow. I didn't realize she wasn't actually acting on my physical body. It was easy to forget that just before it happened... when the pain was... she never made dying comfortable until..." He couldn't help it; he smiled again. "I'm certain that that's what it will feel like when it really happens."

Trevor looked back at Yukiko then, completely unsure how she would react to everything he was saying. Maybe it still wouldn't make sense to her. Gods, he hoped not.

Yukiko nodded thoughtfully; she thought she understood.

"So, she showed you what dying will feel like." She said lightly, watching Trevor's expression for any hint that she was on the wrong track. "And in some ways, it's not so bad? I suppose that's a blessing, to know that after whatever suffering there's a bliss."

She recognized Trevor wasn't necessarily seeing it as a blessing--at least, based on his stammering--but Yukiko wanted to offer that read. She certainly liked the idea of bliss after death. Truthfully, she probably already believed something like that, though she hadn't thought terribly critically about it before. She turned her gaze back to the water, and decided to go out on a limb in hopes of saving Trevor the effort of saying something maybe taboo.

"Does knowing that there's a bliss waiting at the end make it harder to stay alive?"

Trevor rubbed at the back of his neck anxiously. They were entering even more dangerously vulnerable territory.

"Based on the fact that I want to go back..." Trevor let that hang in the air for a moment, assuming Yukiko would get the gist of it. But, finally, he said, "yes."

He let another pause stand before adding, "But I suppose that makes me one hell of a dangerous solider." He smiled half-heartedly at Yukiko before looking back out toward the water, a furrow returning to his brow.

Yukiko shrugged. Again she didn't want to make light, but she did want to show Trevor that it didn't need to be a big deal.

"Less dangerous, now that I know." Hopefully it wasn't too crass to start with the honest strategic truth. Sometimes she did miscalculate that... perhaps explaining her thinking would help smooth out any rough edges about the comment.

"I don't think you're the only soldier whose will to live is flagging, albeit perhaps for different reasons. One way I and the other captains try to counter that is doing what we can to address morale, but our options are limited. Only having so much control over it, then, we factor it into our decisions. On a strategic level, I appreciate knowing where you're at, so I don't bet a maneuver's success--and other soldier's lives--on your will to live."

She paused just briefly there, and turned her gaze to Trevor with a more serious expression than she usually displayed.

"To be clear, though, I will never bet on you dying. As far as I'm concerned, you're still a valuable soldier, and you'll continue to be valuable until the day you do die. And, whenever that comes to pass, I'll take some solace in knowing you're finally in bliss. So, thank you, for telling me all this."

She still wondered if she should make this more personal--she wanted Trevor to stay alive for more reasons than just strategy--but she wasn't sure that saying so was actually the right call here. For now she opted to leave it at that, and watched the soldier for his response.

Trever recoiled somewhat when Yukiko started talking again, though it only showed in his torso leaning slightly away from her. She didn't understand at all. He meant it as a boon to their cause that he was not afraid for his life. He would be fearless, but it wasn't as if he was going to seek out death. Not without the goddess present, that was for sure. Is that what Yukiko thought?

Trevor closed down further as Yukiko talked about her strategy with the other soldiers. He knew on some level that other soldiers might be considering suicide--by stupidity if nothing else--but having Yukiko talk about it so openly was more than unnerving. How many soldiers felt that way? Should it make him feel better that he was not alone in these thoughts? Well, it didn't. It really didn't.

Enough of them wanted to die that Yukiko had to include that in her strategy. Fuck.

Trevor barely heard what Yukiko said about taking solace in his bliss. While he might have received that comment well just a few moments earlier, the whole concept now left an awful taste in Trevor's mouth. His eyebrows furrowed deeply, and suddenly all he wanted was to get out of the conversation.

"Yeah," Trevor said, not prepared to say "you're welcome." He began wondering how long he would have to be silent to get her to take a hint that he was done talking.