Written Wonderland

Nathan nodded.

"Not exactly like that--not all the time--but... yes." He blinked to the side as his mouth scrunched a little nervously again. He worried he'd already undermined his explanation with that comment. He supposed he'd only just started trying to explain, though. And it seemed like Captain Nicolaides was patient enough. The boy regathered himself, and returned his gaze to the captain.

"She did scare me. A lot. I can't--" a shiver pulled the boy's shoulders up rather suddenly, "--even describe how terrifying--" The boy closed his eyes and shook his head, a soft whimper escaping him as he pulled his arms in to hug himself tight. "But..." he forced himself to speak after only a short pause, worried about the impression he was giving--of himself, and of the goddess. "E-every time it was too much..." he sniffed, and managed to open his eyes to look hazily towards the bush again, "She held me, and then, i-it was like that shimmer."

The boy bit his lip a little nervously, his face quite an impressive shade of red by now.

"I was never sure i-if it was just, like... some kind of ploy. Some trick to get my guard down. But it was so r-real." Nathan sniffed again, and wiped his nose with the heel of his hand. "And ever since I-I woke up, that... that feeling of awe and-and acceptance was... that felt most real, out of all of it."

And that was what he could think to say about it. He started to look at the captain, anxious to know how she was responding, but he got too scared. He felt embarrassed, and afraid about how the captain was going to treat him now. And, he felt tired. That was... a lot of emotions to go through. The boy sighed and sloughed his forehead down on his knees and wrapped his arms around them again. He wasn't sure that gesture was any less embarrassing, but at least it felt comforting to him while he waited for however the captain was going to respond.

All right, Ari couldn't help it. She reached out and put a gentle hand over the boy's elbow, conveying as much comfort and sympathy in the gesture as she possibly could. She kept her hand there for several moments before she pulled back again, hopeful that the boy had appreciated what little she given to him.

But what to say back to something like that? What was the goddess' game, scaring this boy and then holding him in a way that even now inspired awe in him? Why shift back and forth like that?

Ari had no idea.

And was this sort of thing indicative of what every soldier would experience with the goddess or was that all specific to this one? Based on the facial expressions of the other men who had waken up, Ari didn't find it difficult to believe that they had similar stories.

"Did she ever... do anything unforgivable to you?" Ari wasn't sure that the question was specific enough, but she wanted to give Nathan enough space to decide what "unforgivable" meant for himself. From the sounds of it, the goddess hadn't given Nathan more than he could handle--at least in some capacity--but Ari needed to make sure. She didn't want to say something that was false to her soldiers just to convince them to go.

At first Nathan flinched at the captain's touch--surprised, embarrassed, and nervous about what it would become--but the flinch was small and fleeting, and he quickly relaxed into it, quietly glad for the comforting gesture, even if some of his embarrassment lingered. But then her hand left his arm all too soon, and the boy re-tightened his grip on his legs to compensate.

After a moment he started to turn his head just enough to get a peek at the captain, curious and anxious about the long pause, though the fact that she had comforted him with touch helped his anxiety from getting too out of control. He didn't get much time to assess her expression, though, before she asked him a question which prompted some thought.

Nathan's knee-jerk was to say no, of course not--after all, this was a goddess; who was he to even conceive of needing to forgive her? But he wasn't fully onboard with that line of thought. If the goddess had done nothing unforgivable, it wasn't because Nathan would have forgiven anything. Or at least, that's what he wanted to think. As much as he had on some level reveled in being so thoroughly awed by her and under her sway, he wanted to believe that the person he was now, had enough autonomy to draw a line, if he needed to.

So... did he need to?

With a small sigh the boy brought his chin up onto his knees, slightly more comfortable with the captain seeing his expression now than he had been a few moments prior. He was still tired, but now his brow was furrowed and his eyes squinted in thought as he gazed a little more sharply at the bush across the way.

"No, I don't think so." He finally said. His cheeks burned dark red as he contemplated saying this next bit, but it seemed relevant: "I- I'd, um... I-I mean, if we're... um, sending troops..." the boy's chin slowly sank down between his knees while he stammered, "I mean, I'd go back."

Gods, that was embarrassing to say. Would Lieutenant Pemberley be ashamed of him if he found out? Oh, gods, Captain Bronwen?? Nathan shivered imagining her icy judgemental glare, and finally had to fully hide his face in his knees again--and apparently, also let out a soft whimper as he did so.

Ari held her breath a little bit as she gauged Nathan's reaction to her touch. He seemed more concerned that she had pulled away, honestly. But it felt inappropriate to touch him again, so instead Ari sat back and listened closely to the silence even before the boy spoke. It was a wary, nervous silence, but one that Ari found hopeful. She trusted that she would know if she had pushed him too far.

Just as she might have started to become concerned, Nathan did speak, straightforwardly. No, I don't think so. And then immediately returned to stammering. Stammering directly to talking about wanting to return.

The level of confidence Nathan had felt true, but it also bothered Ari. Was it too soon to be asking this boy these questions? He had only so recently returned. He could very well still be under--or still be convinced that he was under--her spell. But, on the other hand, this soldier had spent the most time with the goddess, and he was a gentle enough creature that Ari believed he would be honest about mistreatment.

It was a complicated statement, indeed, but one that Ari was prepared to believe. But at the same time, she didn't want to feel like the cause was capitalizing on this boy's likely trauma. This was the goddess of desire, known for being manipulative. Altering the boy's reality such that he wanted to return to her was a very plausible narrative here.

But, also, how many of their soldiers would want to go, if not Nathan? Was Ari really prepared to go against Mizu when her commander was siding with a goddess? And who was she to deny the boy his wishes?

Ari trusted Mizu and knew that Mizu really did keep all the captains informed, with at maximum of two-day lag. Between her sharing news with Joseph and now his sharing news with her, Ari felt sure of that. And Mizu had been reliable recently.

Maybe asking the boy a question would help her understand whether or not he was fully in his own agency. Hell, even desire on its own could be addictive in nature.

But, gods, it was unreasonably difficult to think of a question that would do that. What could Nathan possibly say that Ari would be any more confident in than what he had already said?

The captain looked at the boy with his head covered by his arms and heard him let out a barely audible whimper. The goddess took this boy.

Ari imagined that Dehaljadrun had a thing or two to answer for.

Ari put her hand on Nathan again, this time very softly on just above his elbow as she leaned closer to him. "I won't fault you for wanting to go back, and I can even talk to your captain and lieutenant on your behalf if you would like, but I also want you to know that you don't owe the goddess anything more than you already gave to her. Your choices are your own now." Ari knew she was leveraging her power as captain now in giving what likely would sound like advice, but it also opened an easier path to the part of Nathan that genuinely wanted to go back--Ari was sure of that. She couldn't imagine that Blake would be any more thrilled than Joseph had been about the whole arrangement--if Blake even knew yet. And Philip hadn't ever looked prepared to talk about it.

But Ari returned her attention to the boy, attempting to read his body language to see if she had overstepped her bounds, content to end the conversation here if Nathan further closed down at the sentiment.

Nathan flinched again at the captain's touch, but only barely. He relaxed quickly into it, and even started to tilt his head towards the captain again to peek at her expression.

His heart fluttered a bit to see that she was leaning towards him, but he didn't move away in the slightest, and a relieved warmth pulsed softly from his chest when the captain said she wouldn't fault him for wanting to go back.

But then she offered to talk to Nathan's captain and lieutenant, and his gut sank all over again about Captain Bronwen's icy glare. He re-tightened his grip on his legs and re-buried his face once again, another whimper escaping before Captain Nicolaides had even finished speaking. Maybe-- maybe he wasn't ready for that to be a reality yet, actually. Saying he'd go back was one thing; saying he'd exist in a world where Captain Bronwen and Lieutenant Pemberley knew he'd go back? That thought sent a shiver through his whole body from his shoulders to his feet.

But Captain Nicolaides had said something else, too. Nathan sniffed and tried to get past his fear and back into the memory of what had just happened, and once he managed to, the words cut like a dagger down his chest and into his belly with a sharp and biting truth. Your choices are your own now. That's what she had said. Maybe something else too, but that was the important bit. It wasn't up to the goddess or Lieutenant Pemberley or Captain Bronwen, whether Nathan decided to volunteer. He supposed, it was up to his superior officers whether they ordered him to stay, but somehow... even imagining their disapproving expressions... Nathan didn't think they'd stop him, when he swallowed his fear enough to honestly project into that future. Even so, those disapproving expressions were potent, and did seem pretty likely, especially given how fast Lieutenant Pemberley had bolted upon seeing Nathan that morning.

Nathan sighed and brought his head up just enough to gaze longingly at that bush, his mouth and cheeks still hidden behind his arms.

"I--" the boy surprised himself by how on the verge of tears he sounded. He swallowed, and tried to steady himself before he continued. "I-I should... talk to Lieutenant Pemberley myself, I-I think." The prospect was absolutely terrifying, but asking Captain Nicolaides to do it would be cowardly, and he knew it. If he was going to return to the goddess... he wasn't going to return to her a coward, at the very least.

Ari was grateful that Nathan received her touch better the second time, though she became a little anxious again when he covered his head and appeared to shut off once more. Holding her breath for a moment, Ari prepared to think of a way to walk her statement back a little somehow, but to her surprise, Nathan spoke first.

Nathan wanted to talk to his lieutenant himself. Well, color Ari impressed. She wouldn't wish that kind of scenario on anyone, and she had expected him to take her up on her offer. She felt a flare of pride in her chest at the fact that he hadn't.

"That's a very admirable thing to do," Ari said with certainty, withdrawing her touch again. She then got onto her knees so she was sitting on her feet leaning slightly over the boy. "I wish you the best. Thank you for what you said about the goddess. You've given me a lot to think about. And if you do need anything, I would be happy to make sure you have it, even it's just a listening ear."

Ari smiled warmly before standing up, willing to either walk the boy back to camp or return him to his own privacy.

Another bloom of relieved warmth pulsed from Nathan's chest at Captain Nicolaides' evident approval, and it grew even brighter at her gratitude. As uncomfortable and embarrassing as the conversation had been, the boy was glad to know that it had been useful. Maybe it made up for however he might have betrayed the cause by giving in to the goddess in the first place. Maybe.

The boy shyly met the captain's gaze and nodded, his mouth still mostly hidden behind his arms but the faintest hint of a small smile peaking through in the shape of his cheeks.

"U-um, I guess... um, if you... have any other questions... we can talk again." He hoped that wasn't strange to say, but this conversation had felt good, and Nathan wouldn't mind more conversations that felt good. He supposed he could talk to Chloe, too--he felt quite a bit more ready to do that now than he had this morning. Maybe she could give him some advice on how to approach Lieutenant Pemberley, too.

((OOC: I think Nathan didn't show any signs of getting up after Ari, so she probably would have concluded he'd prefer privacy at this point, though he is going to then head back to camp shortly after her lol. Anyway, I'll maybe post more Nathan/Chloe/Philip stuff back in Nathan's thread lol, so you can continue with Ari and Lance here. To wit, I guess I should probably set up Lance... he's probably pretty social and outgoing and easy to find. Feel free to post if it feels right, otherwise I'll get to setting up Lance at some point.))

Lance had been absolutely fascinated by the situation the rebellion found themselves in, once enough info was out to confirm it.

At first he'd rolled his eyes (albeit playfully) at the stories of Dehaljadrun--like, yeah, sure, it did seem like something spooky was going on, but an old horny fairy tale? Seemed much more likely to Lance that the answer was a bit more banal than that--maybe some kind of ghost or local spirit, was his first thought, or maybe the king managing some kind of weird sorcery shenanigans. Or, maybe some of the soldiers really had had it and were just going over the edge, though Lance didn't really buy that possibility. He could think of some other soldiers he'd really have expected to go down, if that were case, before some of the soldiers who did.

To find out that it really was the Demon Queen, though? Holy shit. That changed perspective on the situation a lot. Like, he got that it wasn't just a happy-go-lucky jizzfest--the first soldier who had awakened from it made that abundantly clear--but c'mon. It had to, on some level, beat sitting around, didn't it? For the fact that you got to literally meet a god, if nothing else?

Not that Lance wasn't finding ways to have fun even in this weird stagnant uncertainty of waiting, though. He was a social and energetic soldier, happy to spar or play cards or shoot the shit with pretty much whomever. The past couple days he'd been especially gravitating towards people with rumors to share, even if they were just horny fairy tales with dubious bearings on reality. Gods, what Lance wouldn't give to shoot the shit with one of the soldiers who had actually been with the goddess, but none of them were especially approachable about any of it. Honestly, Trevor was probably the most talkative about his experience insofar as Lance had caught wind of, and that was really saying something.

Then, holy shit that shimmer. Lance found it hard to care when some of the soldiers around him started freaking out about whether they were being trapped; if they were being trapped, maybe it was because they were all about to meet a freakin goddess. The soldier gazed up at the sky with awe and excitement, which only brightened as the shimmer turned to dust that drifted down upon them, filling at least Lance with a flood of victory, elation, belonging, pride, glory, relief, purpose, and gratitude. Maybe more, but those were the words that spilled to mind.

"Holy shit, guys," Lance exclaimed as he turned around to face his current posse, "Did you feel that?"

The group of soldiers who had been playing cards together ended up abandoning their game to share about what they'd just experienced, and let conversation flow from there. Talk managed to weave back and forth between hopes and dreams for after the war, and more rumors and postulation about the goddess.

"I guess I'm glad to even be this much a part of it," Lance said at one point, leaning back a bit in his seat and gazing back up towards the now-normal sky. "But damn, to have a real story of meeting a goddess. She's so damn close, and yet..." The soldier reached out above him and grasped at the air an arm's length away.

"Drama queen," one of his companions chided playfully, and Lance rolled his eyes with a grin.

"Shut up. A guy can dream."

((OOC: It has been a while since Ari noticed the shimmer, so she's going to assume that the soldiers returned to their card game.))

After leaving Nathan the way he asked, Ari went to grab a bite of food, not bothering to eat in the mess tent this time, though she usually tried to make a presence with her troops as much as possible. She didn't want them to feel like she was unapproachable in the slightest, but today, she wasn't up for eating among them. She had other matters on her mind.

As she chewed, she thought of what her next plan of attack should be. She had enough confidence in what Nathan and Joseph had said to act without talking to Mizu first, but she also could not help but debate the morality of sending soldiers to a goddess who would surely manipulate them, even if they themselves enjoyed it. On that front, Joseph did have a point. But, in a big picture sort of way, an army of reinforcements at the cost of a few soldiers? Those were calculations they made in battle all the time, something Ari had spent her whole time as captain preparing for.

Well, it wouldn't hurt to at least determine if there were willing people in her ranks. That way, when Mizu did tell the rest of the captains more directly, as she likely would tomorrow morning, Ari could be ready with concrete names.

Finishing her food on the way, Ari went over toward where the rest of her soldiers were camped and just took them all in. She was proud of the ways they kept themselves busy--she regularly felt like her own soldiers were the best off in the camp in that regard--and kept a shrewd ear open for conversations involving the goddess.

Ah. Yes, of course Lance was running his mouth about it again. It made her smile. He was fearless, that one, and boastful. She wanted to know if his boasts would hold any water when faced with reality.

Walking up to the group playing cards, she said, "Deal me in?" looking specifically at Lance.

Lance blinked up to Ari with a grin, though surprise was certainly present in his gaze.

"Sure thing, Captain." The soldier nodded and recollected the few cards he'd started dealing to reshuffle and start again.

One of the soldiers nearest Captain Nicolaides scooted her stool over and then hopped up to go grab another from nearby, clearly happy for the captain to be joining their game. Pretty standard for Hannah, really.

Another one of the soldiers across the table fidgeted a moment, and then let his eagerness win out.

"Any news about that shimmer earlier today, captain? It was the goddess, right?"

Lance subtly rolled his eyes--never very tactful, that one, though he did appreciate Rowe's curiosity. Lance raised his eyebrow and cast a sidelong glance to Ari, certainly just as interested as anyone else about the captain's reply.

((OOC: Apparently Rowe and Hannah were interested in bein in on this lol. There's probably one or two others is my guess, but I guess we can nail that down as needed lol.))