Written Wonderland

Something relaxed in Ashleigh's chest that she hadn't realized had been tense. It was relieving to hear that Ramanujan was appreciating conversation; she supposed she hadn't been sure to what extent he might have felt put out by her interruption. With that worry put aside, there were several other things she'd be interested in talking about.

The captain leaned forward and let a playful smile emerge, hinting at a less formal approach.

"You must know that I'm terribly curious about what you've experienced."

That casualness faded quickly, though, as the captain straightened up again and dimmed her smile a touch, before Ramanujan even had much opportunity to reply.

"But I also don't want to push you; I'm sure it's been quite the ordeal, and I don't aim to trivialize it. For now, can you say what stirred the goddess to make that display today? I assume Captain Rutliff will have news, but I'd value your insight on it, if you have any."

Ramanujan favored Captain Brede with a small smile when she talked about her curiosity. The soldier greatly valued honesty. But what did he want to tell her? He was grateful when she narrowed her realm of inquiry. He could likely do justice for at least that much of what had happened.

Though... come to think of it, were there things that the commander might not want Captain Brede to know about what had been exchanged? He didn't feel qualified to make such a decision, and he remembered Captain Miller's threat on the way out of the tent, even though the goddess had been completely in control of his body. But, this was his captain, and she deserved to know and would likely find out from the commander or Captain Rutliff soon anyway. Hmm.

"The goddess wanted to meet... the commander. In person or in as much like. I... acquiesced to the goddess' request to... borrow me as her channel. I knew she would grant my freedom afterward." Ramanujan looked to Captain Brede to make sure she was following so far. Satisfied, he continued. "The commander asked the goddess to make some kind of display to help convince the soldiers that she is on our side. I believe the dome she created... through me... was that display." Ramanujan paused there, knowing that saying anything else would mean entering risky territory.

"This may not be common knowledge yet," Ramanujan said, "but the goddess has indicated that she will only release the Shel'ti in exchange for ten of our soldiers. That's part of the reason the commander asked more of the goddess." Ramanujan paused again. In telling Captain Brede this, he was skipping ahead of what he had assembled of the timeline in his meditation, and he hadn't processed this material completely yet. To be honest, he was far more interested in that moment when the goddess gave him everything he ever longed for. For a moment, he wished that he had requested returning to his meditation, but perhaps it was good to put some distance between himself and goddess' undeniable draw for a while longer.

"Otherwise," Ramanujan said, deciding to push forward, "my experience was... illuminating. The goddess is... not what I expected, but she didn't disappoint either. She fixates and has something similar to human emotions. She's volatile and jealous... and yet fiercely determined and tremendously powerful. If we can make an ally of her, I think we have a very, very good chance at winning this civil war." Ramanujan had to stop himself from using yet more adjectives to describe the goddess--divine and captivating, all-knowing and relentless, at once tender and sacred--but he suspected that was in the realm of what was too much for Captain Brede to know. Although, there had been that kind of curiosity in the captain's voice, and Ramanujan knew people would soon start asking about it. Ramanujan was far more casual and unabashed about the topic than most.

"In terms of sexuality... I'm not sure I would call what she did to me 'sex,' but she certainly... lived up to the myths with the others."

The same thrill that had passed through Ashleigh before made another round when Ramanujan said the goddess had wanted to speak to Mizu. This time, a whisper of a thought managed to reach her mind: that she herself might one day soon have occasion to speak with the goddess. Ashleigh was careful about ego, though, and brushed the notion gently aside to continue listening to her soldier.

The next sensation that arose was curiosity about Ramanujan's experience of being possessed by the goddess. It was in many ways relieving to think that he acquiesced to it; after whatever he had been through and lacking the full context, she saw no reason to judge the man for it, and knowing that he'd consented to at least that opened more possibilities that experiences with the goddess were--or at least, could be--positive ones.

And then, he spoke of something that may not yet be common knowledge, and Ashleigh couldn't help the slight twinkle in her eye. What the soldier said next wasn't quite what she expected, but she was honestly glad to hear it. Not that giving up their own soldiers would be pleasant, but she was grateful to know what the path to allying with the Shel'ti would look like. Things felt more solid, which was more pleasing than she could say. Perhaps not quite the resounding win one might hope for, but Ashleigh had always been cautious with her hopes, especially with someone as unpredictable as Rutliff steering their negotiations with someone else as unpredictable as the path of a leaf on a strong but unfeelable wind. That Rutliff had secured any path they could follow was a success in her mind; she'd save the grim contemplation of the soldiers they'd have to give up for a different moment.

Besides, Ramanujan next began speaking of his own experience with the goddess, which was now even more tactically relevant to learn about knowing they'd need to send men back to whence he'd just come. At least knowing someone could talk about the goddess as Ramanujan spoke of her now, after having spent time at her mercy, was quite heartening. She supposed there was some chance he was even less in control of himself than he'd indicated, and these were the goddess' words about herself, but... well, Ashleigh could entertain both possibilities at once. Perhaps she'd speak to one of the men who had been awake longer soon, as a point of comparison.

For now, Ashleigh offered her soldier a pleased smile.

"That's interesting," she said after his final comment, appreciating Ramanujan's calm and shameless candor. "Why do you suppose she treated you differently in that regard?"

Ramanujan was unprepared for the question his captain threw back at him, and that was part of what he liked about her. She took his mind to more interesting places. The answer did require some introspection, though. Why hadn't the goddess made such a public display with him? Or changed the nature of their private one? An ache of jealousy he didn't anticipate washed briefly over him, and he frowned.

"I think she thought I had more information than the others. And..." Ramanujan said, "...I... need to believe that what we want plays into what she can and wants to do." He then immediately felt like he should qualify that statement as sounds from earlier in the goddess' forest resounded in his mind. "To an extent," he finally added. He looked at his captain, wondering if she would have follow-up questions. Deciding that was likely, he asked, "do you mind if I seat myself again?"

Ashleigh nodded, and even let out a soft "ah," as something clicked. She might have responded promptly to Ramanujan, but he clearly had something else to say, and so the captain made sure to leave space for it. When he asked to take his seat again, Ashleigh smiled and gestured towards the ground to invite it. She considered joining him, but decided she genuinely still preferred to remain standing; she'd just make sure her posture was suitably casual.

"There are certainly more interesting things one could want from a goddess than carnal pleasures," The captain offered as Ramanujan settled in. She partly just wanted to communicate her present understanding to him, and also convey some amount of subtle approval. Not that she'd think any less of men with more conventional desires, but Ramanujan's thirst for knowledge and insight was absolutely something she appreciated about him. Plus, it was heartening to think that the goddess would be responsive to such fluctuations among men, especially if they were going to have to send some back to her.

The thought crossed her mind to wonder whether the men they sent back would in fact help shape the goddess they dealt with, which was a fascinating possibility. That thought did not at all feel suitable to say out loud, though, so Ashleigh rolled it over in her mind before deciding a relevant direction to go from there. She regarded Ramanujan with a gentle, curious seriousness.

"Would you want to go back?"

Ramanujan seated himself once more, curving and uncurling his spine to settle it into alignment again. He nodded along with his captain's initial comment; he was grateful she was in agreement about what the goddess had to offer. It wasn't that the typical desires one might have for her weren't appealing; it was simply that she had such a wealth of things to teach him, and he had wanted all of it. If only he could make sense of the tangled memory inside his mind.

But then Captain Brede asked if he would want to go back, and he genuinely hadn't had time to posit the question to himself. Given that the goddess wanted to trade the Shel'ti for some of their men, that seemed like a realistic possibility.

The thought troubled him, though. What would going back to the goddess really mean? He closed his eyes, trusting that Captain Brede would respect his need for introspection before answering, and ran through his memories of when he allowed the goddess to use his body. What had she intended for the soldiers she received in return?

There was a... a hunger, and a desire to satiate her loneliness. That much was obvious. But, the emotional state of the goddess when she talked about the Shel'ti and the volunteers was different from each other. The first was more... dismissive, the second, calculating, hopeful. Yes... she seemed to care a lot about their willingness, and this was of great value to her. Given that, Ramanujan had to wonder if he would be in the same low-agency state if he went back. What would it look like to have full control over himself in her realm? What would he be able to learn?

But, then, how would he apply that knowledge if he was unable to leave? And Ramanujan knew all too well that no one had bothered to negotiate a release date.

Ramanujan opened his eyes. "I don't know." He looked contemplatively up at his captain, hoping that honesty would do him well here. And, perhaps, she would enjoy helping him sort through some of his thoughts on the matter.

Ashleigh was happy to let Ramanujan mull over his reply. She'd been worried that it was a bit much to suddenly ask, and she was glad he was taking some time to think. She didn't need a final answer just then, and considered clarifying, but decided to trust that he would expect as much.

While the soldier contemplated, the captain also mulled over what else she wanted to get out of this conversation. Where they were at certainly seemed valuable, but whatever Ramanujan's reply, Ashleigh suspected that both of them would need to mull it over separately. At minimum, Ashleigh would need to confirm the situation with a source whose agency wasn't currently in question.

She was again in some ways relieved, then, when Ramanujan replied with perhaps the only answer she could truly trust--I don't know.

"Fair enough." she smiled gently to him, and let a lengthy silence stand--quite comfortably, at least on her part--before she moved into her next question.

"May I ask what in particular gives you pause?"

There was genuine curiosity, but also, that would be valuable data for determining who else to approach, and how, regardless of whether Ramanujan ultimately decided to return.

Ramanujan was grateful that Captain Brede did not seem bothered by his inability to come up with a proper answer. It was, of course, a lot to contemplate. He was grateful for the silence she left open for a few moments so he could continue to consider the question, though he did not imagine he would have a better answer anytime soon.

Perhaps he should have anticipated her next question, but it took him off guard, and a twisting sensation made itself known in his stomach. He opened his mouth briefly and closed it again. How much of his reasoning dare he tell her? It felt a more private matter than he really owed his captain, but at the same time, he was confident that she was not asking out of anything but a genuine curiosity for the cause if not for herself. There was no harm or malice in it, of that Ramanujan was certain. But, still, how much to say?

"The goddess seemed to enjoy that no one asked if or when the volunteers would be returned." Ramanujan let his captain ponder that for a moment, knowing that surely that was enough to sate her curiosity, but he knew that was the easy answer, and he had more respect and report with his captain than that. "And... what use is the knowledge she could give me of divinity if I become trapped with her?" Ramanujan was genuinely asking. It was exactly the question that was holding him back, but perhaps Brede wasn't the right person to ask. Ramanujan himself had far more firsthand experience of the situation after all. But maybe his captain would take it as a rhetorical question. He decided to wait for her response before offering anything further.

Ashleigh raised an eyebrow and shifted her weight slightly as the meaning of Ramanujan's initial reply sank in. There was a slim curl of amusement on her lips, but also a brief sharpness to her eyes as a sense of frustration flared. Not an emotion she often experienced, truth told. Her eyes and shoulders both softened soon enough though, as she told herself that, yes, this sort of imprecision was precisely the trade-off they'd had to make in letting Rutliff handle this, and there was no point in lamenting that now.

Still, an egoistic pain thumped softly in Ashleigh's heart as she couldn't help thinking, If only I had been involved. Some wistful fantasy came to mind of having summoned the goddess with Evan, to have been a confidant of his during this process... perhaps if she'd reached out to him--

The captain shook her head lightly and let out a soft sigh. Rutliff had enough on his plate now without another captain suddenly trying to make friends, even if he could probably do with some.

Ashleigh tried to focus her mind back on the other answer Ramanujan had given--his question, which she had to grant was a rather valid one, given everything he'd told her so far.

"I suppose, at least you'd still know it." The captain shrugged lightly, perhaps a bit distracted. She sobered quickly though, and brought her gaze more squarely to Ramanujan, doubling down her efforts to focus with a slight frown.

"But I can certainly understand not wanting to be trapped."

Ashleigh's gaze then shifted to the burned building they conversed beside, her brow furrowed in thought. She wanted to reassure him somehow, but wasn't sure that she could... which made her feel deeply uncertain about where to take this next.

Ramanujan carefully studied his captain's physical responses to his statements, pleased that she reacted just as he thought she would. There was tension in her shoulders and her stance as she contemplated what it would mean to give ten soldiers up. He would have been concerned if she were not upset by the idea. But, they were all rather backed in to a corner, weren't they? And who was going to stand up to a goddess offering help? Certainly not Ramanujan.

Ashleigh's justification, however--at least you'd still know it--sounded like an attempt to convince him to volunteer. Ramanujan's eyes narrowed immediately, more out of a desire to understand why Ashleigh would be pressing the issue than anything. But, the shrug afterward made her appear distracted--Ramanujan had trouble understanding this part of his captain's personality but pressed on--so perhaps he was judging her too harshly. The fact that she added a comment about understanding his point of view helped, but Ramanujan was still more guarded than before.

But then she gazed over at the ruins of the building, and taking it into his view as well, Ramanujan's chest began a new wave of aching, exaggerated longing, not only for the dreams he had had with the goddess but also everything they didn't do. All the questions he had been unable to ask her in his enthralled state. All the chances he forewent when she was in his body in favor of being a good channel... And knowing that everything he ever wanted to know was inside his mind if he could only sort and unlock it.

He clenched one of his hands briefly into a tight fist before releasing it.

Staring at the building, it was difficult not to imagine the temple in its full splendor, complete with its priestesses and perhaps even the presence of the goddess herself, at least metaphorically. Ramanujan had always had a great appreciation for spaces of worship. They achieved exactly what they set out to do. They were gateways for connection, for knowledge, for mystery, for communication. Simple, straightforward purposes and highly intentional craftsmanship. It was a tragedy that this had been burned so thoroughly. The ache in the soldier's chest turned quickly to a flame. The king had been destroying knowledge, and that was enough for Ramanujan to have turned away.

A memory suddenly flashed in Ramanujan's mind--Rorrim probably liked this shit, too, huh?--that knocked the wind out of the soldier's lungs and nearly made him fall backward. Embarrassed, he put his hands to his face to hide whatever expression showed there. After a moment, he dropped one hand and brought the other to the hollow beneath his throat.

Why had that made the goddess so angry? Angry enough to... Ramanujan felt himself holding Evan down onto the table, struggling to pin him, muscles straining against muscles, and when the goddess gave the new order to the other soldier, Ramanujan felt empty, wanting to follow them both to continue following the goddess' orders. Hold him down, hold him down, hold him down, hold...

Had Evan recovered from that? Had the other soldier? Evan had gone back the next night, hadn't he? But Ramanujan couldn't imagine anything that would have made up for the goddess' choices in Evan's mind. Ramanujan was certain that she must have had her reasons... but what?

Rorrim probably liked this shit, too, huh?

And then, it hit him like a brick. Something about the locked package the goddess had given him broke open just enough, and all at once he knew why the goddess had been so angry. Because Rorrim hadn't liked it. He hadn't liked it at all. And Dehaljadrun was compelled to give each individual person exactly what they wanted, all the way down to their core. So, the king was truly power mad, then? Ramanujan decided that fit with the rest of his character, certainly. And what would the goddess have been to Rorrim? Ramanujan didn't like to think about it, and he understood why the goddess didn't either.

Having gasped at the strength of the memories, Ramanujan pried his attention back to the present, taking some deep, long breaths and reminding himself where he was--with his captain outside the burned building near the army camp, with his captain outside the burned building near the army camp--before he opened his eyes and looked at Captain Brede. His expression was undeniably sad and concerned, eyebrows turned up and a twist of a frown on his face. Had he been more hydrated, perhaps his eyes would have watered. He should certainly fix that soon.

"Captain," Ramanujan said slowly, quietly, "if I don't go back..." he thought carefully about his words, "it may be a while before I fully return." In all honesty, Ramanujan recognized that he wanted comfort. Affection, even, though maybe not from her, but where to get it in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of soldiers? They had all been hardened by the fight with the king and his demons. Ramanujan shook his head and looked at the ground intently.