Philip supposed he set himself up for that question. Maybe he'd even wanted to. He frowned, and finally cast his gaze to the side--the opposite side from the buzzing--as he set his food down on his cot next to him so he could clasp his hands and lean forward to rest his elbows on his knees. If he was really going to go here, the posture of a business-like lieutenant didn't really fit.
"I killed a man's spirit." Philip finally replied after a long silence. "That's the best way I can explain it. He lives, but I have no idea what damage I've done."
Flickers of the moment Evan stopped fighting back played in Philip's peripheral, and his hands clasped tightly to each other as his jaw briefly clenched. Indignance also brushed at his eyes again--some part of him hated how guilty he felt, because hadn't Evan deserved it? Of all the men whose spirits Philip might've injured--was kill even the right word?--surely Evan's could stand to take a godsdamned hit.
Philip swallowed heavily, uneasy with these thoughts crossing his mind. No one deserved what he had done, not even Captain Rutliff.
"It won't just be you and the goddess there. I suppose she'll be releasing the Shel'ti, but each and every volunteer who goes in their stead..." Philip lost track of how he wanted to word that, and trailed off for a moment as he searched for the thread. It probably didn't help that he then thought more viscerally of Nathan going back to her, and a protectiveness flared in Philip's chest. Gods he wished he'd been able to save that soldier.
The thread was gone. Philip sighed, and returned his gaze to the soldier in front of him, his expression now back to neutral, though perhaps a bit weary.
"I don't know if there are any plans for when or if you come back, but don't expect to return the same man you left. Don't expect anyone to."
Philip/Novelty
Re: Philip/Novelty
Novelty was again disappointed that Philip put down his food, but he supposed it was pointless to push it further. Maybe this conversation would lessen the knots the man was in, and he could eat later. Or maybe not. Really, the captain's health was none of Novelty's business, but Novelty did want to believe that, even if he was leaving, he was leaving the camp in good shape. They still would need to fight at the capital once the king was dead, Novelty would bet.
No, it was more valuable for the moment to track Philip's every move, change in tone, and subtle expression in this moment. And boy were they ever subtle. Novelty enjoyed the challenge, having to assess the differences between minute muscle movements--this is what he had been trained for.
Philip was still very obviously uncomfortable, and the fact that he shifted his position seemed to indicate a change in tone or topic. Was Philip getting more serious with Novelty? Was this a good sign? Novelty wasn't familiar enough with the man to know for certain. But Novelty did watch the captain's jaw clench and desperately wondered exactly what was causing that.
Killed a man's spirit. Killed a man's spirit. With the goddess of desire. Hmmm... were they talking about a rape? Is that what had Philip so tied up in knots? The thought brought the queasy sensation back to Novelty's stomach. Was Novelty prepared for something like that to happen to him? Was he prepared to do that to someone else?
But... wait, Philip had said something about the cloud, so if that was the cloud... if all this were true, then some part of Philip wanted to rape that man, and some part of that man... But that was so complicated, and Novelty needed to check his long line of assumptions. Surely it could just have easily have been something else that happened. But, then again, what other action would fit?
Novelty listened--somewhat distractedly--to the rest of what Philip had to say, his eyes staring back down at the ground and flicking from side to side rapidly. He had the sensation that if he just had space enough to think, he already had all the pieces he needed to put the puzzle together. He decided to risk it, hoping that Philip wouldn't mind his contemplative silence.
To be honest, Novelty hadn't given much thought at all to the fact that he might be interacting with the other volunteers. But, to be fair, he had only just decided to be one. And, when he thought about it, Novelty wasn't convinced they would be all that terrible.
Setting his own involvement aside for a moment, Novelty had to ask himself... if Philip had been commanded to rape someone, who was it? Novelty's first thought was that it must have been one of the other attacked men, but then there were also the Shel'ti. Would Philip be holed up in his tent for several days over one of the Shel'ti? Maybe, but it seemed unlikely.
Suddenly, a sound like a hammer flooded Novelty's mind as he remembered Captain Rutliff slamming his fist down on the table earlier that day in the mess hall. His speech had been so... strange then, too. Choked, almost. Could it be that Philip...?
Novelty determined that, sure, it was possible, but it still felt unlikely. Again, it was a long line of assumptions and suppositions, which he had been highly trained not to take as truths. Still, it was a lot of information to sort through.
If Philip had raped Captain Rutliff, then Novelty had a difficult time thinking that anything could kill that man's spirits. Disgruntled and uncomfortable, sure--who wouldn't be?--but Novelty believed Rutliff would bounce back.
Regardless, though, it was a terrible thing to have occurred, and within their own army, too. A rush of sympathy flooded over Novelty for each of the two men. Surely, if Philip was holed up in his tent for this long, he didn't feel right about what he had done. And there were plenty of stories about the goddess making people do things. How much of what happened was even Philip's fault? And if it wasn't, what was the goddess playing at? Did Novelty really want to go to a deity like that? Well, yes, yes he did, if only to gather information. He was still painfully curious, and maybe that would be the end of him. Who could tell?
After a minute-long pause, Novelty gathered his thoughts and finally asked, "It doesn't seem like you wanted to kill the man's spirit," Novelty said carefully. "Did the goddess make you do it? And, if so, what was that like? What should I be prepared for?"
No, it was more valuable for the moment to track Philip's every move, change in tone, and subtle expression in this moment. And boy were they ever subtle. Novelty enjoyed the challenge, having to assess the differences between minute muscle movements--this is what he had been trained for.
Philip was still very obviously uncomfortable, and the fact that he shifted his position seemed to indicate a change in tone or topic. Was Philip getting more serious with Novelty? Was this a good sign? Novelty wasn't familiar enough with the man to know for certain. But Novelty did watch the captain's jaw clench and desperately wondered exactly what was causing that.
Killed a man's spirit. Killed a man's spirit. With the goddess of desire. Hmmm... were they talking about a rape? Is that what had Philip so tied up in knots? The thought brought the queasy sensation back to Novelty's stomach. Was Novelty prepared for something like that to happen to him? Was he prepared to do that to someone else?
But... wait, Philip had said something about the cloud, so if that was the cloud... if all this were true, then some part of Philip wanted to rape that man, and some part of that man... But that was so complicated, and Novelty needed to check his long line of assumptions. Surely it could just have easily have been something else that happened. But, then again, what other action would fit?
Novelty listened--somewhat distractedly--to the rest of what Philip had to say, his eyes staring back down at the ground and flicking from side to side rapidly. He had the sensation that if he just had space enough to think, he already had all the pieces he needed to put the puzzle together. He decided to risk it, hoping that Philip wouldn't mind his contemplative silence.
To be honest, Novelty hadn't given much thought at all to the fact that he might be interacting with the other volunteers. But, to be fair, he had only just decided to be one. And, when he thought about it, Novelty wasn't convinced they would be all that terrible.
Setting his own involvement aside for a moment, Novelty had to ask himself... if Philip had been commanded to rape someone, who was it? Novelty's first thought was that it must have been one of the other attacked men, but then there were also the Shel'ti. Would Philip be holed up in his tent for several days over one of the Shel'ti? Maybe, but it seemed unlikely.
Suddenly, a sound like a hammer flooded Novelty's mind as he remembered Captain Rutliff slamming his fist down on the table earlier that day in the mess hall. His speech had been so... strange then, too. Choked, almost. Could it be that Philip...?
Novelty determined that, sure, it was possible, but it still felt unlikely. Again, it was a long line of assumptions and suppositions, which he had been highly trained not to take as truths. Still, it was a lot of information to sort through.
If Philip had raped Captain Rutliff, then Novelty had a difficult time thinking that anything could kill that man's spirits. Disgruntled and uncomfortable, sure--who wouldn't be?--but Novelty believed Rutliff would bounce back.
Regardless, though, it was a terrible thing to have occurred, and within their own army, too. A rush of sympathy flooded over Novelty for each of the two men. Surely, if Philip was holed up in his tent for this long, he didn't feel right about what he had done. And there were plenty of stories about the goddess making people do things. How much of what happened was even Philip's fault? And if it wasn't, what was the goddess playing at? Did Novelty really want to go to a deity like that? Well, yes, yes he did, if only to gather information. He was still painfully curious, and maybe that would be the end of him. Who could tell?
After a minute-long pause, Novelty gathered his thoughts and finally asked, "It doesn't seem like you wanted to kill the man's spirit," Novelty said carefully. "Did the goddess make you do it? And, if so, what was that like? What should I be prepared for?"
Re: Philip/Novelty
Philip allowed the soldier his silence. He wasn't exactly comfortable during it, but he certainly understood the need for the soldier to take it all in. It was just also time during which shame and nervousness pricked at Philip's skin, as he wondered what this soldier might think of him now. His eyes turned lightly to his food on his cot, supposing that he might actually in some ways appreciate the distraction. But, actually moving for it just felt... difficult, somehow, and not worth the effort.
Besides, the soldier spoke up again not long after.
Philip swallowed when the soldier remarked upon what it seemed like Philip wanted. It was more complicated than that, but how could he possibly explain it? The soldier continued with more questions, all of them geared towards picking apart that nuance. Philip's stomach turned as a brief wave of vertigo washed over him, but he kept himself steady. Remaining leaned over his elbows on his knees helped with that, really. He supposed he was glad he wasn't still sitting up straight.
"She commanded me to." Philip's hands clenched together tightly again as the goddess' words rang through his mind--Fuck him. And make it hurt. Philip hadn't hesitated, not even for a moment. Whatever part of him objected to the command had been powerless, watching his hands unbuckle the captain's belt from deep in his mind, aghast at the ways that Philip's own thoughts had swirled with desires to obey the goddess; to please her; to punish this heathen; to see Evan get what he deserved.
Philip swallowed again, and tried to pull himself back to the present. He'd been quiet for probably uncomfortably long, he wasn't sure. He knew that some of the very things he was thinking about were likely exactly what this soldier had come to hear. But they still felt impossible to utter aloud. Philip clenched his jaw again, and fiercely pressed his thumb into the side of his other hand. He was at war with himself even now, over what--whether, even--to tell this soldier about this experience. He supposed, Chloe had asked him to talk to someone. He would certainly rather tell this stranger than Chloe or Nathan. His cheeks reddened as he looked again at the fact that this solder would be with Nathan. He wanted to tell the soldier to say nothing to Nathan about this conversation, but... he knew that wasn't something the soldier could promise him, not where they were going. Nathan would be out of Philip's control if he truly decided to go; Philip would have to let him go. Sorrow melted Philip's eyes as they stared distantly at some arbitrary place in his tent.
With a deep, admittedly shaky breath, Philip tried to steady and refocus himself. He exhaled slowly and purposefully as he drew his gaze back to the soldier before him, pulling his expression back to neutral as he went.
"Whatever.... parts of me objected..." Philip's thumb rocked back and forth against his hand as he struggled to speak, "were too weak. I simultaneously... wanted... to obey her..." his gaze slowly drifted again, shame narrowing his eyes and tugging at his frown, "and could only watch in horror as it happened."
((OOC: Just for ease of reference, here's the start to the second night.))
Besides, the soldier spoke up again not long after.
Philip swallowed when the soldier remarked upon what it seemed like Philip wanted. It was more complicated than that, but how could he possibly explain it? The soldier continued with more questions, all of them geared towards picking apart that nuance. Philip's stomach turned as a brief wave of vertigo washed over him, but he kept himself steady. Remaining leaned over his elbows on his knees helped with that, really. He supposed he was glad he wasn't still sitting up straight.
"She commanded me to." Philip's hands clenched together tightly again as the goddess' words rang through his mind--Fuck him. And make it hurt. Philip hadn't hesitated, not even for a moment. Whatever part of him objected to the command had been powerless, watching his hands unbuckle the captain's belt from deep in his mind, aghast at the ways that Philip's own thoughts had swirled with desires to obey the goddess; to please her; to punish this heathen; to see Evan get what he deserved.
Philip swallowed again, and tried to pull himself back to the present. He'd been quiet for probably uncomfortably long, he wasn't sure. He knew that some of the very things he was thinking about were likely exactly what this soldier had come to hear. But they still felt impossible to utter aloud. Philip clenched his jaw again, and fiercely pressed his thumb into the side of his other hand. He was at war with himself even now, over what--whether, even--to tell this soldier about this experience. He supposed, Chloe had asked him to talk to someone. He would certainly rather tell this stranger than Chloe or Nathan. His cheeks reddened as he looked again at the fact that this solder would be with Nathan. He wanted to tell the soldier to say nothing to Nathan about this conversation, but... he knew that wasn't something the soldier could promise him, not where they were going. Nathan would be out of Philip's control if he truly decided to go; Philip would have to let him go. Sorrow melted Philip's eyes as they stared distantly at some arbitrary place in his tent.
With a deep, admittedly shaky breath, Philip tried to steady and refocus himself. He exhaled slowly and purposefully as he drew his gaze back to the soldier before him, pulling his expression back to neutral as he went.
"Whatever.... parts of me objected..." Philip's thumb rocked back and forth against his hand as he struggled to speak, "were too weak. I simultaneously... wanted... to obey her..." his gaze slowly drifted again, shame narrowing his eyes and tugging at his frown, "and could only watch in horror as it happened."
((OOC: Just for ease of reference, here's the start to the second night.))
Re: Philip/Novelty
The fact that Philip's initial response came rather immediately seemed like a good sign, and it confirmed at least some of what Novelty had assumed. That Philip was not in control of what happened, at least. There was a long silence after that, though, and Novelty watched as something clouded the lieutenant's eyes. Novelty wanted to comfort the man and even had a brief, somewhat ridiculous fantasy of cradling the lieutenant's head in his lap and stroking the man's hair back away from his forehead. But, that would surely not be appropriate. Novelty had the impression that any move he made toward the lieutenant would only push the man back into his shell. So, Novelty remained seated, allowing Philip the silence that he had allowed Novelty.
Hearing the lieutenant's shaky inhale, Novelty rejoiced at the way the man seemed to have broken through at least one layer of discomfort. He was opening up, granted in small ways, but they counted. Novelty felt mildly victorious. But, there was still much to be done, and where did Novelty want to take the conversation from here? It was tempting to move toward comfort, to do what he could to assuage this man's guilt, but Novelty wasn't exactly here to be Philip's therapist. No, he needed information.
"I don't blame you," Novelty said, matter-of-factly, staring Philip in the eyes. "It wouldn't be rational for anyone to blame you." Novelty let those comments stand for a moment, taking his gaze back toward his apple while he thought about where to go next. "Including yourself," Novelty added very quietly.
After another moment, Novelty adjusted such that he was sitting up straighter and cross-legged now, his half-eaten apple still just hanging off one knee. "So, it's all bad, then?" There was a subtle glint in Novelty's eye, a very quiet, hopeful playfulness and a sweetly compassionate smile.
Hearing the lieutenant's shaky inhale, Novelty rejoiced at the way the man seemed to have broken through at least one layer of discomfort. He was opening up, granted in small ways, but they counted. Novelty felt mildly victorious. But, there was still much to be done, and where did Novelty want to take the conversation from here? It was tempting to move toward comfort, to do what he could to assuage this man's guilt, but Novelty wasn't exactly here to be Philip's therapist. No, he needed information.
"I don't blame you," Novelty said, matter-of-factly, staring Philip in the eyes. "It wouldn't be rational for anyone to blame you." Novelty let those comments stand for a moment, taking his gaze back toward his apple while he thought about where to go next. "Including yourself," Novelty added very quietly.
After another moment, Novelty adjusted such that he was sitting up straighter and cross-legged now, his half-eaten apple still just hanging off one knee. "So, it's all bad, then?" There was a subtle glint in Novelty's eye, a very quiet, hopeful playfulness and a sweetly compassionate smile.
Re: Philip/Novelty
Philip's gaze refocused again as the soldier insisted on his blamelessness. You don't understand, some part of him wanted to roar at this soldier, but he refrained. The soldier didn't understand because Philip still hadn't fully explained. To be fair to himself, though, he still hadn't fully made sense of it all to begin with, so how could he?
He couldn't keep anger out of his expression by the time the soldier asked his next question, though. Some part of Philip was deciding that he hated this man.
"No, it's not all bad." Philip replied a bit dryly--dare one say, sarcastically? "You have to understand, she doesn't... it wasn't just a command." The lieutenant's gaze averted itself to the ground, his glare a bit stronger than he felt this soldier deserved, but he couldn't control it. His tone, too, was agitated, so he took another deep breath to try to steady himself.
"She didn't... hold a sword to my back, or move my body like a puppet. She told me what to do, and I did it, because it felt good to do it."
Philip closed his eyes and clenched his jaw again, his expression wincing as a lump settled in his throat. Some part of him wondered why he was bothering to explain himself. It was a lose-lose situation; either the soldier didn't understand him, or the soldier saw Philip for what he really was. Neither outcome was good, so what was even the point? The lieutenant brought his clenched-together hands up to his forehead, hiding the ways that his expression was starting to tremble.
((OOC: meta-Philip just wants to say that he most certainly does not hate Novelty and that rp Philip is just in a very bad place right now plz do not worry <3<3<3 lol))
He couldn't keep anger out of his expression by the time the soldier asked his next question, though. Some part of Philip was deciding that he hated this man.
"No, it's not all bad." Philip replied a bit dryly--dare one say, sarcastically? "You have to understand, she doesn't... it wasn't just a command." The lieutenant's gaze averted itself to the ground, his glare a bit stronger than he felt this soldier deserved, but he couldn't control it. His tone, too, was agitated, so he took another deep breath to try to steady himself.
"She didn't... hold a sword to my back, or move my body like a puppet. She told me what to do, and I did it, because it felt good to do it."
Philip closed his eyes and clenched his jaw again, his expression wincing as a lump settled in his throat. Some part of him wondered why he was bothering to explain himself. It was a lose-lose situation; either the soldier didn't understand him, or the soldier saw Philip for what he really was. Neither outcome was good, so what was even the point? The lieutenant brought his clenched-together hands up to his forehead, hiding the ways that his expression was starting to tremble.
((OOC: meta-Philip just wants to say that he most certainly does not hate Novelty and that rp Philip is just in a very bad place right now plz do not worry <3<3<3 lol))
Re: Philip/Novelty
Novelty was shocked to his core when Philip's expression avalanched toward angry. Since most of the lieutenant's tells had been subtle and Novelty had been so keyed into them, the ferocity with which Philip shifted toward anger both frightened and intrigued Novelty. The soldier's eyes grew wide, though he stayed firmly rooted in his seat. He certainly wasn't going anywhere now.
Novelty's eyes only widened further when Philip dismissively replied to his question. Not wanting to go into the parts you liked, then, huh, Philip? and this somehow excited Novelty further. Why was it so impressive and awe-inspiring and tempting to fan this man's anger? Because it's rare. Because he hasn't spoken even this much to anyone else. Because you want him to be angry, a rogue voice in Novelty's head supplied, and he supposed it was true. He didn't want to hurt Philip, but something about being present to allow Philip to let out all this pent-up emotion was extremely satisfying and... beautiful. Where Novelty might have flinched at nearly being yelled at, he could not feel anything but wonder, even though part of his mind potently recognized that, if Philip had already raped someone--albeit under the goddess' influence--Novelty might actually be in danger.
Would that be so bad? another rogue voice in Novelty's mind asked. Didn't you want to prepare yourself for the goddess? Would there be any better training? Gods, it was tempting... and terrible. Why on earth was Novelty having these thoughts? Because the energy in the tent was palpable, and Novelty found himself surprised that there weren't active dust motes swirling about Philip's head.
But, beneath all that, beneath that anger, was the man who was even now hiding his face in his hands. And Novelty was nearly moved to tears himself. And, really, why shouldn't it feel good to obey a goddess? Hell, Novelty could potently imagine the elation of knowing you could do something horrific without needing to blame yourself. What an experience that would be. And honestly--right, wrong, or indifferent--everything Philip had said was only encouraging Novelty to go to the goddess. It was the perfect, blame-free way to experience being... being... A demon? yet another voice suggested.
Novelty blew out a long, slow breath, trying to steady himself. Where in the world to go from here with the situation so precarious? Novelty almost had the impulse to ask Philip if it would help to hit Novelty, but Novelty didn't feel like there was any reason for Philip to be angry at him. And Novelty suspected Philip wasn't, not really. It was surely almost entirely overflow from how much he hated the goddess, and likely... himself.
Perhaps Novelty just needed to say what Philip wouldn't, then. Just move forward with mutual understanding. "She gave you permission," Novelty finally said, his eyes staring again at Philip's boots. "And some part of you wanted her to give it to you." Novelty nodded, knowing that, at least for now, he shouldn't say more than that. He needed to show Philip that he understood.
After a few moments, he added, "That's your cloud, right?" looking up toward Philip's face. Another pause. "What about the man whose spirit you killed? What was his cloud?" He knew that trying to get Philip to let himself off the hook wasn't going to happen at this point, but maybe it was possible to help the lieutenant reach the conclusion himself. Before he let the man reply, however, he added, "maybe it was better that you did what you did there so you never needed to do it here." Novelty's eyes filled with sympathy, and he hoped that Philip wouldn't just throw him out of the tent, but he was prepared to leave if Philip needed him to. Novelty had already gotten far more out of Philip than he had expected, and now he was pushing it, but he couldn't just leave like this. He couldn't leave Philip like this.
Novelty's eyes only widened further when Philip dismissively replied to his question. Not wanting to go into the parts you liked, then, huh, Philip? and this somehow excited Novelty further. Why was it so impressive and awe-inspiring and tempting to fan this man's anger? Because it's rare. Because he hasn't spoken even this much to anyone else. Because you want him to be angry, a rogue voice in Novelty's head supplied, and he supposed it was true. He didn't want to hurt Philip, but something about being present to allow Philip to let out all this pent-up emotion was extremely satisfying and... beautiful. Where Novelty might have flinched at nearly being yelled at, he could not feel anything but wonder, even though part of his mind potently recognized that, if Philip had already raped someone--albeit under the goddess' influence--Novelty might actually be in danger.
Would that be so bad? another rogue voice in Novelty's mind asked. Didn't you want to prepare yourself for the goddess? Would there be any better training? Gods, it was tempting... and terrible. Why on earth was Novelty having these thoughts? Because the energy in the tent was palpable, and Novelty found himself surprised that there weren't active dust motes swirling about Philip's head.
But, beneath all that, beneath that anger, was the man who was even now hiding his face in his hands. And Novelty was nearly moved to tears himself. And, really, why shouldn't it feel good to obey a goddess? Hell, Novelty could potently imagine the elation of knowing you could do something horrific without needing to blame yourself. What an experience that would be. And honestly--right, wrong, or indifferent--everything Philip had said was only encouraging Novelty to go to the goddess. It was the perfect, blame-free way to experience being... being... A demon? yet another voice suggested.
Novelty blew out a long, slow breath, trying to steady himself. Where in the world to go from here with the situation so precarious? Novelty almost had the impulse to ask Philip if it would help to hit Novelty, but Novelty didn't feel like there was any reason for Philip to be angry at him. And Novelty suspected Philip wasn't, not really. It was surely almost entirely overflow from how much he hated the goddess, and likely... himself.
Perhaps Novelty just needed to say what Philip wouldn't, then. Just move forward with mutual understanding. "She gave you permission," Novelty finally said, his eyes staring again at Philip's boots. "And some part of you wanted her to give it to you." Novelty nodded, knowing that, at least for now, he shouldn't say more than that. He needed to show Philip that he understood.
After a few moments, he added, "That's your cloud, right?" looking up toward Philip's face. Another pause. "What about the man whose spirit you killed? What was his cloud?" He knew that trying to get Philip to let himself off the hook wasn't going to happen at this point, but maybe it was possible to help the lieutenant reach the conclusion himself. Before he let the man reply, however, he added, "maybe it was better that you did what you did there so you never needed to do it here." Novelty's eyes filled with sympathy, and he hoped that Philip wouldn't just throw him out of the tent, but he was prepared to leave if Philip needed him to. Novelty had already gotten far more out of Philip than he had expected, and now he was pushing it, but he couldn't just leave like this. He couldn't leave Philip like this.
Re: Philip/Novelty
"She gave you permission."
The soldier's words stole Philip's breath away, such that he practically turned to stone as he let them echo in his mind. Yes... yes, that was precisely what the goddess had done. And, yes, Philip had wanted her to. He'd wanted to punch or slap Evan more times than he could count during this war, or at least firmly shake some sense into him, but he'd never once so much as raised his voice. And then when he'd seen Evan come through that portal... Philip feeling exposed and powerless in the goddess' arms before Evan's eyes... Evan showing up disrespectful and demanding, with clearly no idea of his true place in anything... how he dared the goddess to make him get on the table...
All these memories were coming rushing back, previously details that had been obscured behind the barbed wire of Evan on the ground in the woods. But yes, it was palpable now that Philip could see back there, the ways in which his body relished grappling Evan's onto the table, and the ways that Philip had yearned for yet more opportunities to feel powerful in relation to the captain, to put him in his place. And then Evan had gone and given the goddess ample motivation to oblige.
"That's your cloud, right? What about the man whose spirit you killed?"
Philip gasped, mostly from a sense of vertigo as he felt he suddenly fell back into his position on his cot from a million miles in the sky. There was something utterly novel in the soldier's question that he hadn't considered before, that even now he could barely comprehend, and yet, he felt it glowing. His hands were still against his forehead, but his eyes blinked themselves open and started to take in the sight of his own boots.
"Maybe it was better that you did what you did there so you never needed to do it here."
Did Philip dare consider that possibility? Some part of him was elated at this path to salvation being presented to him, which he hadn't even imagined could exist. But he was also deeply wary of it. He raised his head just enough for his hands to rest in front of his mouth, his gaze lifting to regard the soldier again. His expression was suspicious, but also curious. He was finally focused on this soldier in a way he hadn't been able to focus until now.
"What's your name?"
The soldier's words stole Philip's breath away, such that he practically turned to stone as he let them echo in his mind. Yes... yes, that was precisely what the goddess had done. And, yes, Philip had wanted her to. He'd wanted to punch or slap Evan more times than he could count during this war, or at least firmly shake some sense into him, but he'd never once so much as raised his voice. And then when he'd seen Evan come through that portal... Philip feeling exposed and powerless in the goddess' arms before Evan's eyes... Evan showing up disrespectful and demanding, with clearly no idea of his true place in anything... how he dared the goddess to make him get on the table...
All these memories were coming rushing back, previously details that had been obscured behind the barbed wire of Evan on the ground in the woods. But yes, it was palpable now that Philip could see back there, the ways in which his body relished grappling Evan's onto the table, and the ways that Philip had yearned for yet more opportunities to feel powerful in relation to the captain, to put him in his place. And then Evan had gone and given the goddess ample motivation to oblige.
"That's your cloud, right? What about the man whose spirit you killed?"
Philip gasped, mostly from a sense of vertigo as he felt he suddenly fell back into his position on his cot from a million miles in the sky. There was something utterly novel in the soldier's question that he hadn't considered before, that even now he could barely comprehend, and yet, he felt it glowing. His hands were still against his forehead, but his eyes blinked themselves open and started to take in the sight of his own boots.
"Maybe it was better that you did what you did there so you never needed to do it here."
Did Philip dare consider that possibility? Some part of him was elated at this path to salvation being presented to him, which he hadn't even imagined could exist. But he was also deeply wary of it. He raised his head just enough for his hands to rest in front of his mouth, his gaze lifting to regard the soldier again. His expression was suspicious, but also curious. He was finally focused on this soldier in a way he hadn't been able to focus until now.
"What's your name?"
Re: Philip/Novelty
The lieutenant's gasp rang in Novelty's ears, and he internally preened at the sound of it. He was getting through to Philip, and this felt like an enormous accomplishment. If Novelty could give this man some small semblance of peace before he left to visit the goddess, then he would be sure he did something right. And perhaps Philip could help the other attacked men understand as well. Yes, this was of the utmost importance, and it was working.
Novelty held onto that gentle hope while the lieutenant's eyes blinked open but grew slightly concerned when Philip's hands lowered to his mouth and his expression veered toward suspicion. Did Philip suspect that Novelty was one of Captain Kade's soldiers? Would that change the value of what Novelty had said to Philip? Novelty suddenly hoped very much that Philip wouldn't ask. He had been being entirely genuine and authentic with Philip, and Novelty didn't want anything to come in the way of that. And, after tonight, if he didn't come back, it hardly mattered who his captain was at all.
Hearing the sound of Philip's voice again shook Novelty, but then he processed the question and could not help a rather dazzling smile, though he tilted his chin down and to the side as though he could partially hide it. He was a little embarrassed he hadn't led with his name, but it hadn't seemed relevant at the time. Recovering, Novelty looked at Philip, sat a little straighter, and said, "Everyone calls me Novelty." After a moment, though, he realized he wanted to give Philip something more than that. Maybe it was simply that Novelty was leaving tonight and had little to lose, or maybe it was that he wanted to be vulnerable with this man the way the lieutenant had been with but, but regardless, he added, "but on the registry, my name is Ammon. Ammon Novotny."
Novelty held onto that gentle hope while the lieutenant's eyes blinked open but grew slightly concerned when Philip's hands lowered to his mouth and his expression veered toward suspicion. Did Philip suspect that Novelty was one of Captain Kade's soldiers? Would that change the value of what Novelty had said to Philip? Novelty suddenly hoped very much that Philip wouldn't ask. He had been being entirely genuine and authentic with Philip, and Novelty didn't want anything to come in the way of that. And, after tonight, if he didn't come back, it hardly mattered who his captain was at all.
Hearing the sound of Philip's voice again shook Novelty, but then he processed the question and could not help a rather dazzling smile, though he tilted his chin down and to the side as though he could partially hide it. He was a little embarrassed he hadn't led with his name, but it hadn't seemed relevant at the time. Recovering, Novelty looked at Philip, sat a little straighter, and said, "Everyone calls me Novelty." After a moment, though, he realized he wanted to give Philip something more than that. Maybe it was simply that Novelty was leaving tonight and had little to lose, or maybe it was that he wanted to be vulnerable with this man the way the lieutenant had been with but, but regardless, he added, "but on the registry, my name is Ammon. Ammon Novotny."
Re: Philip/Novelty
Philip nodded, unsure how else to respond. Somehow, he'd expected more from a name, though he wasn't sure what. Clearly, there was still more he wanted to know about this soldier. Why was he here talking to Philip like this? Well, because he was going to the goddess... but...
"Why did you come to me?"
Philip supposed it might just be due to his rank; he wasn't positive, but he thought the other thralls might have all been cadets. Nathan certainly was. But, he couldn't shake the feeling that that wasn't the whole reason, even if it did factor in.
He realized that his expression was still a bit suspicious, and that, while he still had suspicion in him, that wasn't necessarily how he wanted to be asking this soldier--Novelty--questions. In light of that, the lieutenant straightened up again, relaxing his expression back to neutral, and finally unclasping his hands to rest them easily on his knees.
"Why did you come to me?"
Philip supposed it might just be due to his rank; he wasn't positive, but he thought the other thralls might have all been cadets. Nathan certainly was. But, he couldn't shake the feeling that that wasn't the whole reason, even if it did factor in.
He realized that his expression was still a bit suspicious, and that, while he still had suspicion in him, that wasn't necessarily how he wanted to be asking this soldier--Novelty--questions. In light of that, the lieutenant straightened up again, relaxing his expression back to neutral, and finally unclasping his hands to rest them easily on his knees.
Re: Philip/Novelty
Though that was, perhaps, the next logical question, it surprised Novelty. Why this sudden interest in who he was and what his motives were? This conversation wasn't meant to be about him. Although, maybe it was only natural to want to understand someone who knew potentially dangerous information about you. Though Novelty was tempted to sidestep the question--that was, likely, what Serio would have skillfully done--he wanted to respond. He found himself wanting to give Philip more of himself in whatever small ways he could before he left. It was then that Novelty decided he would miss Philip. This could have been the beginning of a friendship if things had happened differently. Now, though, Novelty was going back to the goddess, and the soldier had a difficult time believing Philip would be willing to return himself.
But which truth to tell Philip, exactly? That he seemed the least intimidating but also the most significant challenge? That he seemed far more affected than the other men? That Novelty had enough hubris to try?
"You've been keeping your cards closer than the others," Novelty began carefully, shifting in his seat slightly, "which made me think you had more of them. And, I've only known you from a distance, but..." Novelty paused, a very slight blush appearing on his cheeks and neck, "you seem the most respectable and trustworthy. Really, it was the only logical choice."
There were more questions Novelty wanted to ask Philip, and he certainly wanted out of the spotlight, but he felt the need to offer Philip a few moments to process the information and respond. He didn't want to lose any of his hard-earned ground.
But which truth to tell Philip, exactly? That he seemed the least intimidating but also the most significant challenge? That he seemed far more affected than the other men? That Novelty had enough hubris to try?
"You've been keeping your cards closer than the others," Novelty began carefully, shifting in his seat slightly, "which made me think you had more of them. And, I've only known you from a distance, but..." Novelty paused, a very slight blush appearing on his cheeks and neck, "you seem the most respectable and trustworthy. Really, it was the only logical choice."
There were more questions Novelty wanted to ask Philip, and he certainly wanted out of the spotlight, but he felt the need to offer Philip a few moments to process the information and respond. He didn't want to lose any of his hard-earned ground.