Written Wonderland

Yukiko shook her head.

"No. Granted," she said after a pause, "I haven't tried very hard. It's been a struggle to even..." The captain struggled to come up with words and sighed heavily, opening her hands to her commander. "What I have done is... dream. Daydream--vivdly. Experience. It's been... intangible, but present my whole life. A connection, with Horu. I imagined it must be similar to the connection that other spiritual people have with some god or another, maybe even several of them. But... "

Yukiko shook her head, looking off into the distance. Mizu tried to understand everything Yukiko was telling her, many gears shifting in her mind.

"When Dehaljadrun came to speak with me yesterday in that soldier's body... this sounds even crazier than the flames, but she was familiar to me. Like a sister I'd not seen since we were babes. I don't think she realized, but... she may," Yukiko said. Mizu was grateful she did not need to ask Yukiko to continue explaining. Even now, it looked as though there was more to the story.

Mizu stared with a heavily furrowed brow at the ground to the right of her. She didn't understand what this meant, not at all. Start with the facts, Mizu told herself. Yukiko has a religious connection to Horu. Yukiko... daydreams. Yukiko thinks it's possible she summoned a flame to help them in battle. Yukiko thinks she might be Dehaljadrun's... sibling?

It sounded... delusional. Mizu's gaze flicked back up to Yukiko, her eyebrow raised in question, hoping Yukiko would give her something more to go on.

Mizu looked serious as ever, which was really only fair. Yukiko yearned for a little more to go on, but she also knew Mizu well enough to know that that would be a bit much to hope for. She did ultimately give Yukiko a raised eyebrow, which at least tipped the balance of her own internal tug-of-war toward continuing to speak.

"I spoke with Cadet Ansari--the soldier that Dehaljadrun spoke to you and I through--just before coming to you now. I asked him what he remembered about Dehaljadrun's visit to me yesterday. He hadn't realized who or what I was at the time, but revisiting the memory together with me... he knelt before me, and spoke my name, and I glowed, Mizu. I filled the forest around us with warmth and sunight."

Yukiko's hand instinctively wiped a stray tear from her face, and she only just then realized that her eyes were beginning to well up, a knot building in her throat. Oh, dear. She let out a soft, breathy laugh, her instinct always to brighten herself in response to such things. Maybe it wasn't always the best call, but surely right now it was best to acknowledge the absurdity of all this, first and foremost.

"Tell me," she added after a moment, facing Mizu with a weary but hopeful smile. "Did you feel an unseasonaby warm breeze, just a little while ago?"

"I spoke with Cadet Ansari--the soldier that Dehaljadrun spoke to you and I through--just before coming to you now. I asked him what he remembered about Dehaljadrun's visit to me yesterday. He hadn't realized who or what I was at the time, but revisiting the memory together with me... he knelt before me, and spoke my name, and I glowed, Mizu. I filled the forest around us with warmth and sunlight."

The commander sat back a little in her seat at the use of her first name. It all hit Mizu in that moment, all of Yukiko's earnestness about all of this. If nothing else, Yukiko believed this and was affected by this more than anything else Mizu had ever seen her come up against, save perhaps the loss of the prince.

Yukiko wiped a tear from her eye and then offered a breathy laugh, trying to recover herself.

Mizu's mind ran as quickly as it dared through options and questions about the matter, and she had almost settled on something when Yukiko said, "Tell me. Did you feel an unseasonably warm breeze, just a little while ago?

The commander thought back to her lap around the camp and had a difficult time pulling it up. But then, she did remember. The soldiers around her had looked around in surprise, several of them with audible gasps. Mizu hadn't thought anything of it, but now...

Add to the list of facts: Yukiko glowed. Or believes she did. She thinks she summoned a warm breeze. And the soldier possessed by Dehaljadrun believes...

Very carefully, Mizu said, "...Yes. I felt it." She paused, looking at Yukiko with slightly narrowed eyes. "What name did the soldier call you?"

"...Yes. I felt it." Mizu said, quite carefully it seemed. Fair enough. Yukiko worried what would happen if Mizu was too skeptical to believe her, but... it didn't matter. She'd needed to say all this. If Mizu didn't believe her, others would. Ansari had.

She'd cross that bridge if and when she needed to. For now, she wanted to stay present with Mizu, hopeful that the commander would continue to hear her out.

"What name did the soldier call you?" Mizu asked, and a trill of anxious excitement danced straight through Yukiko's chest. A million disclaimers wanted to spill from her tongue, but instead, she took a deep breath, and looked Mizu straight in the eye. A characteristic grin curled her lips, but Mizu should know her plenty well enough to recognize the seriousness of the expression.

"Horu."

Did she glow? No, probably not. She was too tense, too self-conscious, too attached to being the Yukiko that Mizu knew. Or, Captain Fujiwara, at that. Showing herself to Mizu would come later, when the time felt right. For now, there was more important information to share.

"I am only a piece of her, though. Dehaljadrun is caged, and Horu is broken. I don't know why. It may not have been wise, but I sent out that breeze as a beacon. To help others like me realize what they are, and to let them know that they are not alone. I don't believe any others are with us in the army, though. Beyond that, who knows."

Yukiko took a deep breath and looked Mizu straight in the eye. A smile curled onto the captain's face, and Mizu thought Yukiko looked uniquely... her. It was difficult to believe that Yukiko was in any way delusional, distressed, or otherwise unwell while she looked that way.

"Horu," Yukiko said, and Mizu's stomach clenched. So... Yukiko thought she was a god. That was the whole of it, then.

Before Mizu could think more on that, Yukiko continued, "I am only a piece of her, though. Dehaljadrun is caged, and Horu is broken. I don't know why. It may not have been wise, but I sent out that breeze as a beacon. To help others like me realize what they are, and to let them know that they are not alone. I don't believe any others are with us in the army, though. Beyond that, who knows."

Mizu visibly frowned as Yukiko spoke, her brow furrowing. On the one hand, if Yukiko was delusional, it didn't matter. But on the other... there was a very real possibility that the... breeze... would give away their position. And would random people beginning coming to their encampment, asking for their god?

Mizu closed her eyes and shook her head slightly, squeezing her eyelids shut. It was almost too much for her mind to handle.

But... if Yukiko was correct, and Mizu was trying to disbelieve a god, what then? It wasn't as though Mizu had spent even one day of her life being pious or even in prayer. What did it mean for her that she hadn't worshipped anyone? And would Yukiko want Mizu to worship her?

She opened her eyes and looked at the captain again. There was much that Mizu wanted to say, but before that, she needed to know something. She needed to know what Yukiko wanted out of all this.

"Why are you telling me this?" Mizu asked, as neutrally as possible.

Mizu frowned when Yukiko mentioned her breeze--her beacon. It was a bit painful to receive that expression from the commander, and a flare of defensiveness rose in her chest, temptations to explain the impulsiveness--compulsiveness--of the action, but she dispelled it easily enough; Mizu had every right to her displeasure on that front, even if Yukiko couldn't bring herself to regret the action. She watched with a silent resolve as Mizu closed her eyes and shook her head, presumably contemplating all that Yukiko had said. Finally, Mizu looked at Yukiko again and asked,

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I owed you the truth." Yukiko said, allowing honesty to spill easily from her without any forethought. "Especially now. I'd resisted believing all of this right up until Ansari said my name. Now that that dam has broken, I don't know what happens from here. I still believe in this cause, still intend to serve it. But I will also be compelled to learn what I am--and to become it. You deserved to know that before this goes any further."

That was as far as she got by simply flowing, and she paused there, but she didn't feel empty yet. The rest just required a little more thought, a little more coaxing.

"I intend to tell my soldiers who saw my flame at Yersil. They also deserve to know." Another pause, another layer deeper. "Additionally, I intend to tell Captain Rutliff. He... " she stumbled there, briefly torn between keeping this to, she supposed, a captain's report, or getting more personal than that, especially in light of what she knew about the commander and Lieutenant Holloway. She wasn't sure that it felt right to reveal that much about Evan to Mizu, though. After a moment of reflection, she settled on, "It should finally clear the air, between Evan and me."

Yukiko wasted no time with her reply.

"I owed you the truth, especially now. I'd resisted believing all of this right up until Ansari said my name. Now that that dam has broken, I don't know what happens from here. I still believe in this cause, still intend to serve it. But I will also be compelled to learn what I am--and to become it. You deserved to know that before this goes any further."

Yukiko paused or a moment, and Mizu took the space to nod a few times, feeling grateful that this was Yukiko's stance.

"I intend to tell my soldiers who saw my flame at Yersil. They also deserve to know." Mizu inhaled sharply at that, having a difficult time imagining the effect that this new information would cause. A short laugh almost bubbled out of her, though, at the thought of Captain Miller finding out. He might change his tune if he knew. Or consider it further blasphemy.

Yukiko continued, "Additionally, I intend to tell Captain Rutliff. He... It should finally clear the air, between Evan and me."

That, Mizu did not understand at all. She knew that tensions were high between the two of them, but what could that possibly have to do with Yukiko being a god?

And did Mizu actually believe all this?

She looked to the side of the tent in thought and was reminded of when Evan came to see her-- and knelt before her--to try to get her to listen about the possibility that a goddess was involved in the soldiers' attacks in the night. Now, there was another goddess, here, before her. Was Mizu going to disbelieve this now after everything that had happened?

Mizu shook her head, uncertain but dedicated to her role as commander first and foremost.

"I want to believe you," Mizu said, looking sternly at Yukiko, "in light of recent events, but it is difficult." Mizu paused, selecting her words carefully and making sure she outlined all her asks here. She was slowly beginning to realize that she would need to start negotiating with Yukiko as a sovereign entity, if all this was actually true.

"I want you to have a clear succession plan in place. Should your compulsion to learn who and what you are take you away from this cause, I don't want to be left without a captain." Mizu furrowed her brow in thought, silent for a moment before adding, "But perhaps, if enough people know, you may want to step down as captain regardless." She hoped Yukiko would understand where she was coming from there, but she was prepared to elaborate if necessary.

"I don't imagine, at this point, I can dissuade you from telling your soldiers," Mizu began, "but my suggestion would be to wait until you can offer them some kind of proof or... demonstration. Find out if you can truly control this, and then..." Mizu broke off, equally unsure of the next steps.

"As for Captain Rutliff," Mizu said, shaking her head a little, still confused. "I trust you to do what you think is best."

With all that out of the way, it felt more possible for Mizu to set aside her role as commander for a moment and try to understand Yukiko as the friend and confidante she had come to be. Mizu looked at Yukiko directly, searching for the godhood that Yukiko was so convinced of.

Looking down at the ground, almost bowing her head, she said, "If what you say is true, and the gods are broken," she began, still full of confusion and disbelief, "I do trust that you could actually find out what happened and... fix this."

In closing, Mizu looked up at Yukiko and said, "I'm grateful you're telling me. Thank you."

Mizu looked to the side for a moment in silence, and then shook her head before returning her gaze sternly to Yukiko.

"I want to believe you, in light of recent events, but it is difficult."

Yukiko nodded in understanding. Of course this was difficult. She wished it were as easy as simply telling Mizu what she knew to be true, but she'd be skeptical herself in the commander's shoes. She started to wonder what the easiest way to offer Mizu proof would be, but the commander continued.

"I want you to have a clear succession plan in place. Should your compulsion to learn who and what you are take you away from this cause, I don't want to be left without a captain. But perhaps, if enough people know, you may want to step down as captain regardless."

Again, Yukiko nodded. She hadn't quite gotten that far in her thinking, and it did pain her a little, but... yes, that did seem to be the logical conclusion of all of this, at least at some point down the line.

"I don't imagine, at this point, I can dissuade you from telling your soldiers," Mizu went on, "but my suggestion would be to wait until you can offer them some kind of proof or... demonstration. Find out if you can truly control this, and then..."

That, Yukiko was somewhat less inclined to nod to. Mostly, she genuinely felt that simply the flame they had all witnessed would be enough for them. Or, perhaps it was just that, the flame was precisely what she intended to answer for them, and beyond that... well, she supposed she might strategize somewhat about it. That much advice, she would take.

"As for Captain Rutliff," Mizu said, shaking her head a little. "I trust you to do what you think is best."

Yukiko offered Mizu a wide, crooked smile, perhaps hoping to just tip her hand as to the general nature of that aspect of things.

Mizu studied her, and Yukiko drew her brows together a bit, her smile growing a more somber. She hoped she'd laid everything out as best she could. After a long moment, Mizu looked to the ground.

"If what you say is true, and the gods are broken, I do trust that you could actually find out what happened and... fix this." Mizu looked up at Yukiko and added, "I'm grateful you're telling me. Thank you."

Another tear streamed down Yukiko's cheek, and she wiped it away with another light, airy laugh as she nodded.

"Thank you for hearing me out. I know this all sounds absolutely absurd. I hope to be able to share... warmer aspects of all of this with you, too. It's all just so fresh right now, I'm still wrapping my mind around it, myself."

Yukiko wiped another tear away, and Mizu was grateful that something about what she had said had resonated.

"Thank you for hearing me out. I know this all sounds absolutely absurd. I hope to be able to share... warmer aspects of all of this with you, too. It's all just so fresh right now, I'm still wrapping my mind around it, myself."

Mizu nodded, suddenly having an impulse to offer Yukiko a hug. But, then again, did one hug a god? Mizu had the sudden sensation that something about who and what they were to each other was ending, and a sadness filled her chest. She valued Yukiko greatly and didn't know where this new journey would take either of them.

"I'm open to discussing the matter more, if it would help," Mizu said, trying to offer something of the warmth she felt for her friend. "I didn't grow up hearing the stories and myths, but if I think of anything that might be of use to you, I will let you know. In the meantime, is there anything I can do... to help?"

It all felt so tentative. Mizu didn't want their dynamic to change, but that felt inevitable and necessary. The least she could do was offer Yukiko some support. Whatever was going on for her had to be lonely.

"I'm open to discussing the matter more, if it would help," Mizu said, and Yukiko gently pressed a hand against her chest, instinctively grateful for the warmth she felt there. "I didn't grow up hearing the stories and myths, but if I think of anything that might be of use to you, I will let you know. In the meantime, is there anything I can do... to help?"

Yukiko let out a deep exhale, her eyes sliding shut and sending atear rolling down one cheek. She was so very grateful that Mizu was still offering friendship. Not only was it heartening just in terms of their own rapport with each other, but it also gave her hope that perhaps others would respond similarly, as well. That, at least it was possible.

But, beyond that melancholy gratitude... what could she ask for? What would help? What had been a serene smile on her albeit tearstrewn face wavered, the edges of her lips yielding to a small tremble as she felt a weight settle on her. She didn't know how to begin, let alone how to ask for Mizu's help with it. So, she took in a breath and gently shook her head before remustering a smile and opening her eyes, glossy though they were.

"I think..." Well, she'd had some non-statement in mind, but then another thought surfaced, and with it, a sudden, hearty laugh. "I mean, it would lift my spirits considerably if you'd be willing to indulge some curiosity about last night..." she lifted her eyes brows hopefully, her smile growing playful, but then added, "Only what you'd enjoy sharing with a friend, of course."

Was it crude to ask for this? Was it genuinely what she wanted? Well, yes. She wanted some joy, some truth, some poetry. But, only what Mizu wanted to give.