Written Wonderland

Nick's eyes flicked off to one side as he laughed a little. A good reaction, Rav thought.

"I mean... yeah." Nick elongated the syllables of the last word as though to say, Of course there was... right?

Rav smiled, remembering.

"It's been a while since I've had my blood drawn... I'm a... I suppose I have fainted before, but I know how to manage it now.

Rav asked the standard procedural questions, how long had the unconsciousness lasted, what were the symptoms of onset, if anything typically helped.

"Juice has helped, in the past," Nick supplied. "And ice packs."

Rav had gestured him the seat, had gotten him comfortable, had given Nick an apple juice with a shrug. "I mean, who doesn't like juice," Rav offered, trying to put Nick at ease.

Nick drew Rav back to the present. "Sorry if that's... " Nick looked away and sighed. "I just mean, you were very... welcoming?" He looked up at Rav hopefully.

"Deep breaths," Rav said. "Biggest you've had all day, three of them. Nice and slow... That's good. Now look at the painting of the mountain... and... done.

It had been a good draw. Butterfly needle, smooth, immediately filling in the vial. No adjustments required. Rav had felt damned proud of himself. He remembered nodding at himself, at Nick, playfully tossing his gloves in the trash and putting on some hand sanitizer before sitting patiently with Nick through the 15-minute holding period. He listened to stories of other blood draws and fainting episodes, all the while keeping close eye that Nick was drinking the juice. And... just a little longer with the eye contact than was strictly professional.

Rav smiled. "I mean, that is my job," he said, knowing he was dealing a low blow. But, he intended to throw Nick a bone to pull him back up from the drop. "But you were pretty cute blushing into your juice box straw."

Rav smiled. He was quite striking when he smiled, and it splashed warmth through Nick's chest.

Then he followed up with, "I mean, that is my job," and Nick's lungs pushed out a soft, surprised huff in protest--shifting to almost a plead as his eyebrows crookedly raised. Surely, Rav's smile meant he was pulling Nick's leg?

"But you were pretty cute blushing into your juice box straw."

Embarassment grabbed at Nick, and his eyes flicked down to his mug, his shoulders shrugging a little like perhaps he could disappear into his jacket, if only for a moment. He was smiling, though. Nervously, tenderly. He didn't know what to say. He watched his thumb rub against his mug, trying to muster confidence to raise his gaze back to Rav's, but his attention was strongly tugged into the warmth of his mug, the texture of its material, the fluttering of his heartbeat.

"And... you were breathtaking at class the other day." The words rolled breathlessly from him, spilling out of their own accord. His heart thudded at that--an almost startling sensation, deepening the red of his cheeks. Oh, gosh, had he really just said 'breathtaking'? And, was it insensitive to say that, given that Rav had... no, no, Rav had already acknowledged himself that there were sparks. Intense, he had called them. Yeah. With a deep breath, Nick finally managed to look up at Rav--albeit from a slightly lower angle.

"I would really like to do contact improv at your place sometime."

Granted, there was a sense of danger that settled into Nick's stomach as he spoke those words, his mind replaying Rav's wolfish grin in the shadow of the man's... confession?

Nick softened his expression a little, offering Rav what he hoped would come across as reassurance in his gentle smile and raised brows, even if he couldn't quite raise his chin back to where he normally held it.

"Or mine. Just, somewhere we can explore at our own pace, without other people to navigate."

Nick shrugged into his jacket, unable to look Rav in the eye again, smiling.

"And... you were breathtaking at class the other day." Huh. Rav had never been called breathtaking before, but he didn't mind it. He had felt like his flow had been especially good that night... until it hadn't been anymore.

With a deep breath, Nick looked up, and Rav quirked his eyebrows briefly.

"I would really like to do contact improv at your place sometime... or mine. Just, somewhere we can explore at our own pace, without other people to navigate."

Rav nodded and looked to corner of the table near him. Fewer people around did sound nice, regardless of what else they might get up to. Rav almost wanted to ask what specifically Nick wanted to explore, force him to spell it out, make Nick squirm under his gaze, but Rav thought he had indulged that part of himself enough for this conversation. This wasn't a scene--they were negotiating all the way up.

Picking up his mug with one hand, Rav leaned back against the wall, raising his mug to Nick.

"Brave," Rav said, sipping his drink. He set his mug back down, putting both elbows and forearms on the table conspiratorially. "You're taking all this a lot better than I expected."

Rav gestured casually toward the middle of the table. "You mentioned that you'd be open to hearing about the... journey." He nodded, encouraging himself to continue. "I will need to go slow because it has been a lot. It's difficult to not be..." Rav fumbled for the word, nodding his head to the side twice. "...afraid of myself." He looked apologetically at Nick, eyebrows pulled together and raised. He shook his head. "That's what happened at contact improv last time. I really wanted you." Rav was a little breathless himself, saying that, thinking about it. Nick's accidental brush against the front of Rav's pants, the crescendo of the music, the river of longing down from his chest to his cock, sharp and tasting of metal.

Of course he'd had to stop.

Rav nodded and looked at the table, and Nick's heartbeat pounded heavily in his chest as he tried to make out the man's expression. At last, Rav picked his mug up almost as if to toast.

"Brave," he said before taking a sip, and Nick felt warm all over. He did feel proud of himself--it was easy to imagine that he might've let himself get completely tongue-tied, but he had resolved not to; it was something he was working on, and he'd done a good job of it. There was an off-chance that Rav was teasing or even chiding rather than complimenting Nick, but... he didn't think that was the case.

Soon enough, Rav set his mug down and leaned his elbows on the table, almost like he was about to let Nick in on a secret.

"You're taking all this a lot better than I expected."

Nick let out a soft exhale, understanding then what shadow he'd briefly seen flicker. That made sense. Rav gestured casually toward the middle of the table and said, "You mentioned that you'd be open to hearing about the... journey." Nick swallowed, and nodded. And, finally thought that his drink might in fact be cool enough to drink, or very near. He raised his mug up to his lips and started to blow gently on it out of habit--his eyes curiously on Rav all the while.

"I will need to go slow because it has been a lot. It's difficult to not be..." Rav paused, nodding his head to the side twice. "...afraid of myself."

Rav raised his gaze to Nick and Nick froze momentarily, as though he'd been somehow caught out having his drink to his lips. But, Rav looked apologetic, of all things, and shook his head. "That's what happened at contact improv last time. I really wanted you."

Rav himself was breathless, and excited tingles danced down from Nick's scalp to his toes, muscles tensing subtly in their wake to keep from shuddering right there in the coffee shop.

Extremely tentatively, Nick took a small, experimental sip of his mocha, to see if it was cool enough to drink. The sip was hot and sharp, and Nick moved it quickly over his tongue to cool it down. Not quite ready yet. He set his mug back down on the table, teeth nibbling a little on his lip as a nervous sadness began to creep into him.

"I was getting a little carried away, maybe." Nick offered, his eyes on his mug. He had gotten pretty lost in their movement that evening, his awareness of the class fading away behind his focus on the flow of push and pull between them. He hadn't even fully realized in the moment that he might have touched Rav inappropriately until after the man walked away. Something about it all did tug at a small pool of guilt in Nick's stomach.

"I... let myself get caught up in you, I think I forgot where we were for a moment. Or... maybe even wished that we were somewhere else. I am sorry about that. If there are particular boundaries you'd like to hold--no matter where we are--I can remain more cognizant of that."

Rav watched Nick take a small sip of his mocha, and it looked like he may have almost burned his tongue. Rav resisted the urge to laugh on account of Nick's falling expression.

"I was getting a little carried away, maybe," Nick offered, his eyes on his mug. "I... let myself get caught up in you. I think I forgot where we were for a moment. Or... maybe even wished that we were somewhere else. I am sorry about that. If there are particular boundaries you'd like to hold--no matter where we are--I can remain more cognizant of that."

"No, no. Nick," Rav said instinctively, his eyebrows lifted, head shaking side to side. But, then he stopped to think about it. Rav couldn't heal from his story about himself and keep piling all the blame of every interaction that went a little sideways onto himself. Maybe Nick had been partially to blame? But, in reality, there was no blame. They were dancing. Bodies touch sometimes when you're dancing--it could have easily been an accident. Although, Nick's admission certainly made it seem like it wasn't wholly an accident. Then again, contact improv is all about reading someone else's flow and energy--surely Nick was reading into what Rav was feeling. Well, that settled it, then. They were both responsible.

Rav took a deep breath, catching on something else, staring intently at the floor. I let myself get caught up in you. Nick only now knew that that could be dangerous, but it made Rav especially nervous to know that Nick could get caught up in such a way that would make him act outside of his own integrity... and regret it later. Given Rav's history, that was a recipe for disaster. Maybe this was all a terrible, terrible idea.

Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes briefly, Rav tried to recenter. Perhaps there was a way through all this. He wanted to believe it was possible.

"What," Rav started, "helps you... check in with yourself? Is there some... prompting I could do to... help us both... slow down? Check in?"

"No, no. Nick," Rav quickly protested Nick's apology, and Nick raised his eyes in surprise, watching as Rav shook his head. But the man ultimately trailed off in thought, and Nick looked back down to his mug again, feeling more sad and tender than he could quite make sense of. A rising sense of overwhelm, maybe--it seemed like they weren't quite understanding each other here, and if they couldn't understand each other here... would they be able to continue to explore?

Nick heard Rav take a deep breath, though the man didn't speak yet. Nick tried taking a deep breath, too. All they could do was take things slow. That was the lesson to learn from class the other day, maybe. They had, for a moment, gone too fast. Rav had been right to walk away. Nick felt a knot starting to ache in his throat.

"What helps you..." Rav finally spoke, and Nick tentatively raised his eyes to him, hoping they weren't too obviously glossy, "check in with yourself? Is there some... prompting I could do to... help us both... slow down? Check in?"

Nick felt the word sorry try to erupt from his throat, but he knew better than to let it. Instead, he offered a small, sheepish smile to assuage his impulse to apologize--again, and for something too abstract for him to even understand. He shook his head a little, lowering his gaze to his mug, and then finally closing his eyes and letting out a long, slow breath. The whole point right now was to slow down and check in. Warm mug between palms; light, buzzy music pleasantly fluttering amidst the gentle bustle of making drinks. He liked being in the coffee shop, but something felt surreal about having the conversation they were having, here. Then again, maybe this was a conversation that would feel surreal anywhere.

Nick opened his eyes and looked around the coffee shop, trying not to be obvious--at least to anyone other that Rav--but checking in with the people around them. Nobody noticed Nick, which was relieving to him. It meant that he and Rav genuinely had some amount of privacy here. That settled something in his stomach, and helped him relax a little, feeling just a touch more real. After a steady, present breath, Nick returned his eyes to Rav.

"Is it..." his lips quirked into a crooked grin, feeling silly, but hopeful as he continued, "I mean, if you just... ask me to check in, I think that'd do it?" Bashfulness overtook him and he shook his head, hand reaching back to ruffle at his hair again--but, the crooked grin lingered in his expression. "Just, if you're worried. Checking in is... what I myself am working on."

Nick returned his hand to hus mug, and settled his eyes on Rav again, gentle apology slipping into his brow. Sorrow tugged at his chest, afraid that his own confession might make Rav want to walk away. He didn't want to say it out loud, though. He didn't want Rav to rush himself to reassure Nick. He wanted Rav to take his own time replying, and so Nick let out a soft sigh, closed his eyes, and focused again on the warmth of his mug.

Had Rav been understanding Nick correctly? When Nick was apologizing? Was it even an apology?

Nick was pulling inward and closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of the coffee shop, maybe. This seemed more plausible given that he next surveyed the people around them.

People within earshot.

At first, Rav felt a burst of anger rise in him. Doesn't he trust me to check? To have thought about it?

But no. They were having this conversation so that they could each trust the other's ability to trust themselves. Rav needed to know that Nick could keep track of that on his own. As much as Rav had planned this outing to keep Nick comfortable, this wasn't a scene. Nick was still his own agent. Obviously.

Rav instead took it as a cue to deepen his own breathing, doing some of the grounding exercises he and Hannah had worked through together, though he decided not to close his eyes. Rav realized he hadn't ever watched someone else try to become more present with their own body. It felt incredibly vulnerable for Nick to do it in front of Rav.

Nick took a deep breath, satisfied somehow. Rav raised an eyebrow unconsciously.

"Is it..." Nick was... grinning, but his eyes were wet. Rav didn't know what to make of the expression, but he had a brief impulse to comfort Nick regardless. He let it pass without acting. "I mean, if you just... ask me to check in, I think that'd do it?" Nick ruffled his own hair. "Just, if you're worried. Checking in is... what I myself am working on?"

Rav kept looking at Nick, staring almost. He knew he was being intimidating, but he couldn't quite bring his eyes to move. He felt into the shape of his own lips. Stony. Impassive.

Maybe I should check in with my facial expressions, Rav thought bitterly.

He closed his own eyes, licking his lips unconsciously. Relaxing muscles, settling his shoulders. He'd been tense even before entering the coffee shop. Even before he left his place. This was not an easy conversation to have, and Rav should give himself some credit for that.

He sighed heavily, letting another layer of relaxation course through his body.

His mind cleared, and he wondered if checking in with Nick would have helped what happened at contact improv when Nick had brushed against him. When should Rav have asked Nick to check-in with himself. He tried to remember more details about the evening. He had enjoyed the sensation of Nick's upper arms against his fingertips--and later inside his grip. He'd casually grasped Rav's hip and waist. Rav had been giving positive signals, certainly.

And then Rav had lost control. Or, at least, he had worried about losing control. Losing control of what? His sense of staying aware of everyone else's experience except his own.

Maybe Nick was right to double-check his work.

"I'm not sure that would have helped the other day," Rav said, speaking with his eyes still closed. He flicked them open to look at Nick. Rav's adam's apple bobbed before he spoke next, tilting his head against the wall. "But, it will be a good thing to have in my back pocket. And, I should check in with myself more often, too. I think..." A sudden realization hit him, and he blushed, smiling before he could help it. He chuckled a little and shook his head, laughing at himself.

He leaned forward again, looking at Nick expectantly.

"...I think I waited too long to ask you here." That felt right. Rav had let his desires become difficult to manage. It was good to know he would need to look out for that in the future. That knowledge would certainly give him reason to keep being brave. Rav wasn't going to be able to just ignore his needs. That's what would cause all this to fester.

And... maybe he had gone too long without a session with Hannah. Or with himself.

Rav laughed again. "I'm glad we're here now."

Nick landed in the warmth of his mug for a moment, but something tugged him to open his eyes. Briefly, he took in the sight of the lightly-displaced foam art the barista had made, but his attention kept moving toward his periphery, where he could tell that Rav was staring at him with a heavy, stony expression. Anxiety jolted quietly through Nick's body, tensing his muscles and hastening the heartbeat in his chest. He wondered if he should look at Rav, maybe stare down the discomfort he might find there, but that made his heartbeat pound even faster. So, instead, he closed his eyes again, and listened to the coffee shop sounds and focused on the warmth in his palms. He was safe here. Almost as if in agreement, Rav sighed, and Nick relaxed, simply enjoying the moment as he might on any other day in the coffee shop. Except, with company he was excited about.

Nick opened his eyes to look at Rav, confidence and curiosity ready to more fully examine Rav's expression, whatever it was. It was still a little hard to read, but it looked relaxed, and Nick smiled.

"I'm not sure that would have helped the other day," Rav said, speaking with his eyes still closed. Then he flicked them open to look at Nick, and Nick blinked away, feeling caught out still looking. And, maybe a little called out by Rav's words. No, Nick couldn't think of when he would have benefitted by a verbal check-in during class. He wasn't sure what exactly 'should' have happened there.

"But," Rav continued, and Nick drew his gaze back with hopeful eyes. "It will be a good thing to have in my back pocket. And, I should check in with myself more often, too. I think..."

All at once a smile erupted on Rav' face, his head shaking as a chuckle fell from his lips. That seemed... really good, right? It made Nick's stomach feel warm and pleasant, his own expression opening, more unabashedly taking the sight of Rav in.

Then Rav leaned forward, his eyes landing expectantly on Nick. It startled Nick--once again, it was a bit like he'd been caught doing something, but... so what if he had? He let the startle flinch just slightly through his expression, but it passed through smoothly, and Nick kept looking at Rav, who kept looking back and then finally spoke.

"...I think I waited too long to ask you here."

The warmth in Nick's stomach splashed through him at that, and as Rav let out another chuckle, Nick let out a soft chuckle of his own, though his hand rubbed just a little bit nervously at his hair.

"I'm glad we're here now," Rav said, and Nick flashed a bright grin at him--albeit from a crooked, downward angle.

"Me, too. I, uh..." Nick replied a little bit breathlessly, his eyes drifting away full of bashfulness. "Just, yeah. Same." Though he was grinning, both hands retreated from hair and mug to cover Nick's face, embarassment growing intense enough he just needed a moment of feeling alone to fully enjoy the little burst of tingles that danced over his shoulders.

He wiped his hands down his face after only a short pause, and smiled crookedly at Rav as he returned his hands to his mug, cheeks warm and heart thumping.

Nick was grinning again. Maybe they were salvaging this, actually.

"Me, too. I, uh..." Nick replied, eyes drifting away out of what looked like embarrassment. "Just, yeah. Same."

And then Nick went and covered his face.

It was simultaneously adorable and incredibly arousing because Rav knew what Nick was embarrassed about. Rav shifted in his seat to relieve some pressure. But, surely they were both having impulses the same direction. Briefly, Rav wondered if, in his shoes, Nick might also have made the same kind of error that set Rav on this whole journey in the first place. The thought was more comforting than Rav thought it had any right to be.

Eventually, Nick's fingers travelled down his face and back to his mug as he smiled crookedly at Rav.

"Slowwwwww..." Rav breathed, making a show of exhaling and giving Nick a wink. Afterward, he took a long drink of his americano and checked the time. He would need to leave for work soon but not just yet.

He wanted to invite Nick to his place--his roommate would even be out of town this weekend--but the invitation stuck in his throat. For a brief moment, blackness started to swirl at the edge of his vision.

You're going to invite someone to be alone with you? A rapist?

Rav closed his eyes, expression falling impassive again. He had the impulse to cover his own face, but instead he took several deep breaths.

With a pained, apologetic expression, he looked at Nick, a pleading in his eyes. "Would you... are you really open to hosting?"

"Slowwwwww..." Rav breathed, giving Nick a wink. Nick grinned wide, the tips of his ears warm and nearly tingling. Yes, slow. But not haltingly, maybe.

Rav took an indulgent sip of his drink, and Nick closed his eyes and did the same, savoring the bloom of warmth over his tongue and into his throat, and the rich taste of it that lingered pleasantly in his mouth.

He heard Rav sigh, though, and Nick opened his eyes. Rav sighed a few more times, and then looked at Nick with an almost pained, apologetic expression.

"Would you... are you really open to hosting?"

Nick felt tempted to nod, to reassure Rav emphatically and with haste--after all, he had indeed offered--but instead he flicked his eyes upward in thought, checking in.

"Yeah," Nick said after a moment, returning his eyes to Rav with a nervous smile. "As long as we..." he trailed off, shaking his head briefly before returning his gaze to Rav a little more resolved. "I guess, admittedly I can think of ways my place might not be ideal for contact improv, come to think of it, but I'd love to have you over."