Written Wonderland

Nick looked surprised to hear Rav's voice and may have swallowed something down, but overall, he looked... blissed the fuck out. Rav smiled brightly, pleased with himself. If he needed to remind Nick to check in with himself, they were going to have some fun with it, damn it.

Finally, Nick nodded in response and gave Rav a quiet affirmative hum that Rav found he didn't even need, confident in Nick's enjoyment of what had transpired.

In the wake of it, though, Rav felt his own anticipation hanging heavy in the air--Was there more intimacy to be had here? But Rav just stood there, uncertain where to go next and convinced he needed to let Nick lead it.

Nick blinked as though realizing that Rav was waiting on him, gently pushing some of the lingering bliss aside. Rav looked at the ground with a slight frown as though he could follow the trajectory of what Nick had shrugged off in order to move on. But that didn't last long as Nick reached for the door and bowed in a reprise of his earlier gesture, allowing Rav to head out of the bathroom first. Rav felt some trepidation about the two of them being seen together leaving the bathroom--won't that give people ideas about what happened here?--but no one was directly outside the bathroom, and people were minding their own business. Plus, Rav thought, nothing had happened. Well, nothing except the electric feel of Rav's lips connecting with the upper edge of Nick's jaw. Rav smirked as he replayed the memory.

Once outside, Rav turned to look at Nick to make sure he was following. Nick was closer than Rav anticipated, having come out quickly after Rav, and even leaned in toward him. Rav leaned away instinctively for half a second before he realized that Nick was also holding out his hand. Embarrassed at his own reaction, Rav huffed a short laugh and smiled widely, weaving his fingers through Nick's hand and pulled their clasped hands both up toward Rav's lips where he briefly kissed the knuckle of Nick's middle finger before letting their hands fall again, all while looking at Nick.

Rav felt like they should keep walking, but he soon realized he didn't exactly know this park or where Nick had intended to take them.

"So, where to next on our little neighborhood tour? Trees, check. Park bathroom, check," Rav said, raising an eyebrow as he tried to keep the mood up. It was easy on the heels of his bliss.

Initially Rav leaned away, sending a brief feeling of vertigo down Nick's stomach. Should he also lean away, give Rav some space, make sure not to pressure him? But, Rav quickly closed the distance, a short but bright laugh huffing from his lips, which spread in a wide smile as he wove his fingers through Nick's. Nick was in awe of the man's expression, relief and joy dancing through him, and that was even before Rav brought both of their hands, now entwined, up to his lips. He kissed the knuckle of Nick's middle finger, and Nick couldn't help his own little bubble of a laugh, utterly giddy about this turn of events, his whole body suffusing with warmth.

"So, where to next on our little neighborhood tour?" Rav asked, raising an eyebrow. "Trees, check. Park bathroom, check."

Nick giggled, shaking his head and then bringing his free hand up to rub at his hair a little in thought.

"Well..." he drew the 'l' sound out and swayed gently into a step back toward the path they'd been following around the park, deciding that wherever they were headed next, that they'd head that direction regardless. He hadn't really decided what he was going to say next, though. Mostly, he just realized that he was eager to get a little more distance from the bathroom. A little more spacious feeling, maybe. His first thought was to keep walking around the park chatting, but he wasn't sure what he wanted to chat about, and a nervousness bubbled up that Rav might be bored with the park now. From there came an inpulse to offer perhaps heading to the ice cream place down the road, but then worry about how long Rav even wanted to stay and...

Nick got to the initial destination he'd picked out--just the few paces back toward the main path away from the bathroom--and then he stopped, squeezing Rav's hand tight and closing his eyes as he drew in and let out a deep breath, letting a stretch of silence stand as he calmed his thoughts.

"I think I got what I'd specifically wanted out of going for a walk," Nick said after a moment, opening his eyes again and smiling gently to Rav. "I'd wanted some space to talk and get to know each other a little more, and, well, I can always learn more, but I'm really happy with what we've talked about tonight. Burning man and tree-sits and carving and all." Then, gaining a playful glint in his eye, he squeezed Rav's hand again, his smile curling wider. "And, what we've explored."

Though, at that he felt a small little bloom of sadness in his chest. He supposed, he'd be sad to stop holding Rav's hand, so he was still attached to that. And... he realized he might be sad if more touch didn't happen, still. Was that greedy, or unwise? Gaining some bashfulness, he looked down at their hands, his thumb caressing gently over Rav's knuckle.

"I'd love to keep holding your hand..." That much he could say with confidence right now, so he'd stick to that. "We could keep chatting here in the park, maybe loop around the path," he gestured lightly with his free hand to the way the path forked at the far end of the park, one branch heading into sidewalk and street and the other curving to circle back around the other side. It would be maybe a little under twice as long of a walk compared to just heading back the way they came.

"There's also an ice cream place a couple blocks back past the house." This time, he gestured with his hand clasped in Rav, just lightly raising both their hands between them back down the path they had already traveled. "Or, we could head back to the house..." Nick finally returned his eyes to Rav as he trailed off, ready to try to gauge how the options seemed to be landing with him. His own expression was hopeful, if a touch nervous, holding at bay some strange anxiety that Rav might decide he needed to go now, for whatever reason. Though he supposed, even if that did happen... it would of course need to be okay. Still, he gently squeezed Rav's hand again, yearning quietly for more time, whatever that might look like.

Rav barely had enough time to wonder if maybe he should have asked before he kissed Nick's hand before Nick was giggling. Maybe Rav should have asked, but at least that time, he intuited something Nick would like correctly, and he was grateful for that.

Nick shook his head and rubbed at his hair.

"Wellllll," Nick said, taking a step toward the path they'd been on before their detour to the bathroom. They had almost made it to the fork before Nick stopped them.

"I think I got what I'd specifically wanted out of going for a walk," Nick said, and Rav's face fell. He steeled himself for a rejection, or at least for the date to end. His face went stony and neutral, lips tense, even as Nick offered a gentle smile that Rav took for an apology. Damn, Rav hadn't realized how much he had wanted to spend more time with Nick. Maybe he just wanted to make up for all the awkward touch interactions. Or maybe there was just no coming back from them. Maybe Nick had already made up his mind that Rav was just... too far from healed to do something like this.

"I'd wanted some space to talk and get to know each other a little more, and, well, I can always learn more, but I'm really happy with what we've talked about tonight. Burning man and tree-sits and carving and all."

I can always learn more, Rav thought. That didn't mean anything. Maybe Nick was just being polite. He had a habit of that.

But, then, Nick got a glint in his eye and squeezed Rav's hand, smiling wider. "And, what we've explored," Nick said.

Nick's smile fell abruptly after that, though, and Rav wondered if he was thinking about when Rav asked to pin him against the door. Rav winced quietly. Stupid.

But Nick was rubbing a thumb over Rav's hand, looking down at their entwined fingers.

"I'd love to keep holding your hand..." Nick said, and Rav started to think Nick wasn't trying to say goodbye. Or, maybe there was a "but" coming. "We could keep chatting here in the park, maybe loop around the path." Nick gestured in a circle with his free hand. It was a small but respectable paved track.

Nick continued. "There's also an ice cream place a couple blocks back past the house." This time, Nick took the liberty to raise both their hands to gesture that direction. "Or, we could head back to the house..." Nick met Rav's eyes in time with a flush of excitement that raced through Rav's body, breaking his stony expression as his eyebrows lifted in surprise and hope.

Was Nick really inviting him over... again? Rav looked back at the bathroom, wondering if they'd experienced the same thing back there. That had been... that had been a failure, right? Like, an absolute clusterfuck of embarrassment for both of them? Had Rav imagined it?

Rav searched the ground, eyebrows furrowed now. He had enjoyed the hug and touching Nick's hair and kissing Nick's cheek. Had that been enough to salvage the interaction? And how would they navigate touch going forward? Did Nick still want Rav to ask before he did anything? Maybe with the caveat that that ask applied more directly to touching Nick this time? Or had they clarified that Nick should ask for what he wanted going forward?

Rav shook his head, terribly confused and afraid he was just going to mess it all up again.

Nick squeezed Rav's hand, and Rav sighed, grateful that, whatever else was true, Nick still did at least want to hold Rav's hand.

With a low, heavy voice, not yet meeting Nick's eyes, he said, "I think I should have asked before I kissed your knuckle." He did look up, then, thinking he should face his consequences head on. He owed Nick that much.

"I wasn't thinking. I was just... grateful. It seemed like you enjoyed it, but... if you want to spend more time with me, I don't... I want to do right by you."

Rav knew he didn't answer Nick's question, and he hated the idea of tainting the delight he felt when Nick took his hand, but Rav was also sure that this was the right thing to do. He couldn't just let it go unspoken.

Rav was stiff and guarded, unreadable to Nick save what he thought was a flare of hopeful excitement as his eyebrows raised at the prospect of going back to the house. Was that the answer, then? Maybe more contact improv, maybe...

Rav looked back toward the bathroom, and Nick followed his gaze a little nervously. Was Rav still stuck on something about their interactions there? Nervousness began to twist in Nick's stomach--what had they not successfully gotten through? Hadn't they done a good job of navigating the complexity there? Had Rav not been able to express everything that he needed to? What was Nick missing?

Finally, Rav said in a low, heavy voice, "I think I should have asked before I kissed your knuckle."

Nick... almost wanted to laugh, but his chest tightened around the impulse. He and Rav both looked at each other at the same time, the intensity of their gazes meeting again jolting through Nick. It was intense and a little bit scary, but not unpleasant.

"I wasn't thinking," Rav continued. "I was just... grateful. It seemed like you enjoyed it, but... if you want to spend more time with me, I don't... I want to do right by you."

Nick waited a moment, anticipating that Rav might have more to say, but eventually it sank in that, no, it was his turn to speak. His first thought was to reasure Rav--yes, he had enjoyed the kiss, and as far as he was concerned, he didn't think that Rav should have asked. But, there was friction to voicing those things, not because they weren't true, but because they were pushing something away. Rav believed that he should have asked before kissing Nick's knuckle.

Mustering a brave, patient curiosity, Nick asked, "Can you... tell me more about why you think you should have asked first?" Although, a thought occurred to Nick in the wake of his own question, and he added with some sheepishness, "Is it because of what I asked before we went into the bathroom?"

Nick was silent a moment, his facial expression tightening as Rav's stomach dropped. That was it--that was the moment Rav destroyed the delight of his little gesture. Rav sighed. He was still going to have to practice all this, clamp down harder on his impulses.

"Can you... tell me more about why you think you should have asked first? Is it because of what I asked before we went into the bathroom?"

Rav pulled his eyebrows together in confusion as he looked at Nick, "I mean, yeah," Rav said, wondering what else it could be. "We didn't exactly come up with... any other..." Rav shook his head, wondering if he should let go of Nick's hand. Maybe he just wasn't cut out for this. Rav never would have thought he would be about to cry tears of frustration at himself for having kissed someone's knuckle, but here he was. Life was full of surprises.

Rav squeezed Nick's hand and closed his eyes, willing for Nick to forgive him. Please don't let this be the straw on the camel's back. I can... I can figure this out, Rav mentally pleaded.

Opening his eyes as he waited for Nick's response, Rav gestured with their clasped hands. "Can we... is it okay to walk while we talk?" The longer they stayed still, the more Rav felt other people's eyes on him, and that was not helping his anxiety.

"I mean, yeah," Rav said, his eyebrows pulling together. Nick twisted his lips a little to the side, trying not to frown too deeply. He felt embarrassed, and maybe a little guilty. He was sad that he'd gotten Rav so stuck.

"We didn't exactly come up with... any other..." Rav shook his head, looking almost near to tears. Nick wondered if he should elt go of Rav's hand, but Rav squeezed it, offering Nick some reassurance that this touch, at least, was worth holding onto. That warmed Nick's chest a bit.

"Can we... is it okay to walk while we talk?" Rav gestured with their clasped hands, and Nick's lips curled back into a tenative smile as he gave a nod and took a pliable step in the direction of the gesture. He was quiet for a moment after they began walking, unsure if Rav was finished speaking, but it seemed so.

"Well..." Nick began softly, "I would definitely like to free you from that. I'd only intended it for while we were in the bathroom, and... " Nick sighed a little as he trailed off, his turn now to shake his head. He didn't want to get too deep into things. He and Rav could peel back what all had happened in the bathroom in layers; they didn't need to get to all of it right this moment. What was important, first, was setting Rav free.

"If it works for you, I'd like to go back to just..." As he searched for the words, a brighter smile curled at his lips, and he glanced to Rav a little sidelong, a fresh twinkle in his eye. "Contact improv?" Gently, Nick swayed toward Rav on his next step, lightly bumping their shoulders together, his eyebrows tilting up with a tentative hope.

After a moment, Nick gave a nod and took a step in the direction Rav had suggested, following the loop around the top and back the direction they had come. If they wanted, they could loop around again before they left. Immediately after they began moving, Rav felt better. At least one layer of his anxiety had calmed.

It took a while before Nick said anything, but eventually, he did. "Well, I would definitely like to free you from that. I'd only intended it for while we were in the bathroom, and..." Nick sighed as though frustrated himself, but Rav felt grateful to be released and even more grateful that Nick hadn't intended for the ask to be ongoing.

"If it works for you, I'd like to go back to just..." He paused, and Rav braved a glance Nick's direction. Nick was smiling wider now, another twinkle in his eye. "Contact improv?" Rav's mouth parted in delighted awe, which leapt into a full smile when Nick bumped his shoulder to Rav's, eyebrows lifted.

Rav laughed, the momentum from the shoulder bump tempting him toward a whole dance with Nick right here in the park. But it wasn't quite the time, and Rav wasn't in the mood for an audience. He did squeeze Nick's hand again, and Rav articulated his fingers within the grip, almost as if they were beginning to dance. The effect was somewhat intoxicating, but Rav still managed to string his words together.

"I'd like that, yes," Rav said, a lingering smile on his face as he tried to remember if there was something else that needed tending. Oh, right. Yes. Their plans for the evening.

"I'm happy to loop around again if you're enjoying the walk, but otherwise, I'd enjoy your place if you're comfortable with me there." Rav let that stand, briefly glancing at Nick to see how that landed.

After another moment, Rav nodded and added, "I'm glad I didn't cross a boundary with you. I want to be more careful about how I enter into agreements like that. I will ask more questions ahead of time, and I like the idea of timeboxing it. We can try boundaries on and see how they feel for each of us, see if they accomplish what we hope they intend." Rav realized he was making it sound like he himself might also set boundaries. It was hard for him to believe, but in theory, he could. In theory, Rav should at least be able to. He thought Hannah would be proud of his line of reasoning.

"I'm grateful that, in this case, I did not cause you harm, but..." Rav hesitated, not meaning to belabor the point but also feeling like this was important. This was the thing he was committed to healing, after all. "...I still acted outside of what I understood the boundary to be. I suppose, I'm wondering, if it had felt like an overstep to you, theoretically, how..." Rav paused again, articulating his fingers a little in the process, "...is there a way I could have made it up to you?"

Rav smiled and then laughed, filling Nick with warmth and relief and delight. Rav squeezed his hand, fingers dancing lightly in their small embrace, and Nick playfully echoed the gesture, playing with the soft pleasant energy of it and adding his own little whimsical patterns. It was a nice way to get back into things, just tiny little finger movements, joyous in the hand clasp that they both seemed to feel safe in and attached to.

"I'd like that, yes," Rav said. "I'm happy to loop around again if you're enjoying the walk, but otherwise, I'd enjoy your place if you're comfortable with me there." He looked to Nick, and Nick nodded with a wide smile. Heading back home sounded really nice, honestly. Not in any rush, just knowing that was the next direction to head as they walked and talked. Ice cream might have been fun, but Nick was just as glad to be heading back toward coziness.

"I'm glad I didn't cross a boundary with you." Rav added after a moment with a thoughtful, resolute sort of nod. Nick's smile faded into attentiveness, unsure where Rav was heading but prepared to follow his line of thought. "I want to be more careful about how I enter into agreements like that. I will ask more questions ahead of time, and I like the idea of timeboxing it. We can try boundaries on and see how they feel for each of us, see if they accomplish what we hope they intend."

Nick nodded tentatively, though Rav wasn't yet paying attention to him. A small bit of nervousness was building up in his stomach, but he tried to keep it at bay while he waited to see where Rav was going.

"I'm grateful that, in this case, I did not cause you harm, but... I still acted outside of what I understood the boundary to be. I suppose, I'm wondering, if it had felt like an overstep to you, theoretically, how... is there a way I could have made it up to you?"

Rav articulated his fingers again, which Nick was grateful for - some reassurance that there was still a comfort and a lightness accompanying them on this journey. Nick gently squeezed Rav's hand in a lull of movement, his own fingers pressing gently in turn against the back of Rav's hand.

It felt scary to even entertain the hypothetical that Rav had overstepped--he hadn't... had he? A knot of guilt twisted in Nick's stomach, feeling terrible that he'd rushed them into the bathroom with an unfair ask. It was difficult to keep a hold of what Rav was actually asking through all that. Nick wanted to just release him, but he'd already done that, and there was still something Rav was asking for. Nick watched the path in front of him, his brows furrowed in thought as he tried to genuinely look at the hypothetical.

If kissing Nick's knuckle had felt like an overstep--an extremely difficult thing to imagine! But, he would try--is there a way Rav could make it up to him? Nick felt a little bit of emotion tightening in his throat as the hypothetical clicked into place.

"I think..." Nick finally started, his voice a little soft and tentative. "I'm glad that you acknowledged it. It might have been hard for me to. Or like, I might have been a little afraid of what would happen if I brought it up. How you would handle being asked to look at it. If you voluntarily look at it, and let me know that you see it, that does a lot."

He drew in a deep breath then, letting it out in a long sigh and a couple of fervent squeezes of Rav's hand. It was nice to ground himself in holding Rav's had. They weren't in the scenario where Rav had done something Nick wished he hadn't done, just looking at the possibility together. Yeah, this was probably... really good, honestly. Just... also really scary.

"Granted, I also need to be able to acknowledge it even if I'm scared to, but... that's my thing. It's kind to me, to acknowledge it so I don't have to."

Nick sighed again, wishing he knew how to release the knot in his stomach. There was more to get to, obviuosly, but he felt tired. Like this was already a marathon. He didn't want to tap out, though, but he did squeeze Rav's hand again, and sway to gently lean against his arm, re-grounding again in the fact that Rav hadn't done anything Nick wished he hadn't. It was a small respite, but it helped him relax a lot, gathering some stamina back into himself before he straightened again, preparing to look at the next layer.

He grew somber as he got eyes on it, though. Because, this was the layer that did exist in this reality, also. So, what did Nick want about it? He loosened his grip a little on Rav's hand--not pulling away but growing passive, attentive, unsure.

"Why... do you think you did act outside of your understanding of the agreement? What happened for you there?" His eyes flicked briefly to Rav, but he felt a little shy and skittish, nervousness bubbling up from his anxious guilty knot. It was a stupid agreement, his mind oh-so-helpfully supplied, and he frowned a little, sighing again to try to keep additional helpful thoughts at bay.

Rav was grateful he hadn't let go of Nick's hand. The gesture provided a lot of comfort, even in exchange for the exposure Rav felt--it was nice to have more than just words to communicate with. And, besides, no one was paying them any mind.

Waiting for Nick to respond, Rav took deep breaths, bracing himself for Nick to say there wouldn't be a way for Rav to make it up. Rav wasn't sure what he would do in that case because, in some ways, he did feel like he owed Nick something, even if Nick didn't think so.

"I think... I'm glad you acknowledged it. It might have been hard for me to. Or like, I might have been a little afraid of what would happen if I brought it up. How you would handle being asked to look at it. If you voluntarily look at it, and let me know that you see it, that does a lot."

Reasonable, Rav thought. He did want to voluntarily look at this and whatever other oversteps he might make. That was really the point of doing any of this in the first place.

Nick breathed deeply and sighed at length, squeezing Rav's hand twice, harder than before.

"Granted, I also need to be able to acknowledge it even if I'm scared to, but... that's my thing. It's kind to me, to acknowledge it so I don't have to," Nick added.

Another sigh. It seemed like Nick was having a difficult time with this hypothetical. The problem was that, for Rav, it wasn't a hypothetical. Rav had overstepped, at least by his own logic. What did that mean in light of all this?

Nick squeezed Rav's hand again and swayed into Rav's shoulder, and Rav allowed himself to enjoy the little moments of intimacy, regardless of if they would remain available in the future.

Then, Nick's hand slackened a bit in Rav's, and Rav almost let go. He didn't, though, not quite yet. Contact improv rules, he reminded himself. He simply matched Nick's looseness.

"Why... do you think you did act outside of your understanding of the agreement? What happened for you there?" Nick asked, and Rav could feel Nick searching briefly for Rav's eyes, but Rav didn't meet his gaze, already thinking about the questions.

Immediately, Rav wanted to wall up, shut down, run away, walk out of Nick's life, but he willed himself to take a breath and stay. Which meant he needed to explain.

For a moment he closed his eyes, trusting his feet to continue following the path for a moment as he tried to remember exactly what had happened. Opening his eyes, he searched the ground as though he might be able to find the answer there.

"I guess, now that I'm thinking about it, you did say 'when we go inside' when you asked me to say what I was going to do before I do it," Rav said, hoping that would lighten whatever recurrent dark cloud had formed again around them. "I suppose I took it to mean 'from this point forward' or like 'while we're touching in general' rather than 'while we're inside.' I try to err toward the side of the boundary including more rather than less if I don't have full clarity." Rav paused for a moment, thinking over his words. His thumb subconsciously tried to reassure Nick, moving across Nick's.

"And, when I said I wanted to..." Rav lowered his voice for a moment, "...pin you..." Rav took a deep breath, trying to keep his mind from fantasizing about that again, "...you were worried about me doing something I didn't talk about first and not being able to call me on it." Rav took another breath. Don't fantasize. Don't fantasize.

"So, to sum up, I was excited and agreed too readily to the boundary without asking questions about where the lines were actually drawn, which meant I boxed myself in, making me anxious unnecessarily, which then made you feel guilty, and then I still didn't ask for clarity once we left, but I really liked it when you grabbed my head, so I kissed your hand without thinking about it, and here we are."

Rav shook his head. What a mess.

"And, to be exceptionally clear, I think zero percent of that was your fault. It's not your job to be clear about your boundaries. Just setting them in the first place is hard. That's more than enough work."

Something squirmed in Rav's stomach, and he realized there was something else he needed to own up to. "There's also... and I'm not saying this is okay, but I think, because you didn't tell me you were going to grab my hand, I also subconsciously gave myself permission to act on impulse. It's a little hard to feel like it's fair for you to do something to me I can't do to you." Although then a fantasy popped into his mind of them negotiating a situation where Nick could touch Rav but Rav couldn't touch Nick, and Rav found that very arousing. "Or, like, for there to be a generalized rule that applies to me and not to you. But now that I see that, I can work on it." Rav shook his head again. Gods, this was complicated. Didn't humans evolve to need touch? Why was this so damn hard?

Eventually, he kept talking, even though he already felt like he had been talking too much.

"For me, this experience tells me I still need to slow down, seek clarity, and continue owning up to when I make mistakes. And, for you..." Rav hesitated, wondering if he should even go here. "Well, I guess you get to decide what you want to do with all that. I'm... genuinely making an effort, but it's completely all right if it doesn't look like it from where you're standing."

He left it at that, bare and vulnerable at Nick's metaphorical feet, awaiting judgment, finally daring a look Nick's direction with eyebrows pulled up and together.

Rav's grip on Nick's hand loosened also, and beneath Nick's shy, skittish gaze, he was sure that he saw Rav tensing up. He seemed very far away all of a sudden, and Nick couldn't help feeling sad about that, a looming sense darkening his mood that he'd done this--that Rav was pulling away because Nick had rushed them into the bathroom before they were ready for that. He'd been too eager, too greedy for exploration; they should have just stuck to the safety of the park path. That was the narrative battering at his mind, but it made him terribly sad to think about. Like there simply was no path to him exploring park bathrooms with someone who might want to pin him against the wall, no matter how much the thought excited him.

"I guess," Rav finally spoke, and Nick drew in a breath, pulling his attention out of his own thoughts and eagerly sinking it into Rav's voice and words.

"Now that I'm thinking about it, you did say 'when we go inside' when you asked me to say what I was going to do before I do it. I suppose I took it to mean 'from this point forward' or like 'while we're touching in general' rather than 'while we're inside.' I try to err toward the side of the boundary including more rather than less if I don't have full clarity."

Nick nodded; he could understand that. But, that explained how Rav had come to understand the boundary... not what made him cross his understanding of it. Nervousness fluttered in Nick's chest, though it calmed considerably as Rav's thumb gently stroked against Nick's, pulling a wooshing relief through Nick's body. Rav was still here, still talking to Nick, even though this was hard. It really, truly meant so much.

"And, when I said I wanted to..." Rav lowered his voice for a moment, "...pin you..." Rav took a deep breath, and so did Nick, excitement beginning to spin up in his belly, "...you were worried about me doing something I didn't talk about first and not being able to call me on it."

Nick swallowed, nodding again, excitement dissipating into somberness. He gently squeezed Rav's hand, maybe in apology. He felt awfully sheepish about having felt that way. He needed to figure out how to work on that.

"So, to sum up," Rav continued after another breath, "I was excited and agreed too readily to the boundary without asking questions about where the lines were actually drawn, which meant I boxed myself in, making me anxious unnecessarily, which then made you feel guilty, and then I still didn't ask for clarity once we left, but I really liked it when you grabbed my hand, so I kissed your hand without thinking about it, and here we are."

Rav shook his head, and Nick sighed a little. It all still felt very complex and hard to sort out. Though, maybe it really just came down to, they both got excited and rushed into it? He wasn't sure they could just leave it at that, though.

"And, to be exceptionally clear, I think zero percent of that was your fault." Nick blinked in surprise at that, swallowing a sudden knot of emotion in his throat. "It's not your job to be clear about your boundaries. Just setting them in the first place is hard. That's more than enough work."

Nick squeezed Rav's again once more--gratitude, this time, though he wasn't sure how much Rav could tell the difference. It wasn't really about communicating anything in specific anyway, though; it was just about seeking comfort, really. He leaned a little against Rav's arm again, too, casting his eyes down to the path as he blinked through a little bit of blurriness that was welling up. He wasn't sure he could fully believe what Rav said, but it was still relieving to hear that Rav didn't blame Nick for where they were at, even if Nick could feel in himself an almost desperate grasping to take on the blame. He could feel words starting to form in his throat--a temptation to speak back to what Rav had said, to thank him but demand some of the culpability back onto himself anyway--but instead he let out a long, slow breath, once again replaying the sound clip of Rav in the cafe saying Slowwwww.

"There's also..." Rav continued after a pause, "and I'm not saying this is okay, but I think, because you didn't tell me you were going to grab my hand, I also subconsciously gave myself permission to act on impulse. It's a little hard to feel like it's fair for you to do something to me I can't do to you. Or, like, for there to be a generalized rule that applies to me and not to you. But now that I see that, I can work on it."

Nick nodded again at that, honestly feeling relieved. That was the explanation he'd really been waiting for, and it made sense.

"For me," Rav concluded, "this experience tells me I still need to slow down, seek clarity, and continue owning up to when I make mistakes. And, for you... Well, I guess you get to decide what you want to do with all that. I'm... genuinely making an effort, but it's completely all right if it doesn't look like it from where you're standing."

Nick squeezed Rav's hand again, and stood up a little bit straighter to look Rav in the eye with a gentle smile.

"I can definitely tell that you're making an effort," he said. "I'm really grateful you're willing to talk this all through. It means a lot."

Then, on a whim, Nick leaned to the side to gently butt the top of his head into the side of Rav's shoulder, hand squeezing tight. He didn't know how else to let his body express what he was feeling. It was a bit silly he supposed, and he straightened up from it with a little bit of a sheepish smile.

He felt like he should say something about what he was taking from this experience for himself, but he wasn't sure he was ready to put it into words yet. Instead, he leaned his arm against Rav again, this time gently resting the side of his head on the man's shoulder. He was feeling awfully clingy, honestly. Probably that was a good sign? Hopefully it wasn't too much... he only lasted a couple paces before he got worried about that and straightened up again, though his thumb caressed the back of Rav's knuckle as he did.

"I think the fairness thing makes a lot of sense," he finally said, deciding that Rav's words deserved a little more engagement and response. "Maybe that's something we can check in about before deciding on an agreement. Does it feel fair? I know you said it's not my job to be clear, and that you didn't necessarily condone the fairness thing, but... we're both working on things, here, and I genuinely think it might be a good check-in prompt."

He paused there, considering leaving it at that, but a small nervousness gently tugged at his attention, and with a deep breath, he added, "I guess, maybe... I'll try not to take responsibility for making sure that happens. But, like... just like it's not your responsibility to make sure I check in with myself. But we can prompt each other if we think about it." Nick tossed Rav a little sidelong grin at that, thinking about when Rav had prompted Nick to check in with himself before Rav kissed his cheek. A gentle chill danced down Nick's back, and he squeezed Rav's hand once more in response to it.