Written Wonderland

The refreshing rush of the waterfall faded, trickling pleasantly out of view, and for a brief moment Evan just floated in contentment, but the sensation was lonelier than he cared for. All it took was an intention to look for the goddess for him to feel a subtle wave of trepidation, and then frustration, and the hand on Evan's chest dug its nails into his skin again, seemingly reflexively, but maybe attempting to pull the goddess back into the body with him, away from whatever it was that was beginning to cast a shadow over them both. She hummed to him in their shared mindspace, a melancholy melody that nonetheless comforted him, and he drew in a deep breath. The hand on his throat had already relaxed, and now moved to caress up his cheek and back into his hair, fingers dancing along his scalp with tenderness and affection. His foot still rubbed along his leg, almost steadfast now in its caress, ensuring that a rocking pulse of pleasure persisted through whatever other distractions might arise, even as the chill of the air sent a shiver through his skin.

There's no one I want more than you, the goddess said, and although Evan believed it, sorrow bloomed in his chest; he knew there was a but on the horizon, and he hated it. Fresh tears spilled onto his cheeks, and the fingers in his hair pressed in a little more firmly, his palm coming to rest at the top of his forehead as he braced himself for whatever it was the goddess was about to say next.

But I am constantly a danger to you.

Memories flickered in his periphery - Philip shoving him to the ground; the goddess' claws tearing at him below the water; the jolts of lightning that had so recently rattled the air. Embarrassment bloomed over all of them, intermingled with indignation - he didn't want to believe he'd been wrong to trust her just then, but, that seemed to be what she was saying. At least their frustration felt shared, reverberating between them; neither of them wanted the feeling of powerlessness that was creeping in, nor the vigilance that was retightening in his chest. The fingers in his hair tightened and tugged, the nails on his chest redoubling their efforts to anchor him to something as a rage began to simmer through him. He despised feeling trapped, but that sensation permeated the both of them as he contemplated the possible reality of what the goddess was saying, though some part of him still struggled against it. He so desperately wanted to believe that he could withstand whatever she needed him to, the notion that he might not be able to forced a sob from deep within his chest. Surely there was some escape from this. A stubborn curiosity bloomed about what he might find or be able to do in the Underworld, but then that bloom kept growing up, finding some cloud in his periphery the goddess seemed to be trying to hide. A brief flash of anger clenched his jaw that she was still holding back when he'd felt like such an open book, but he tried to gently urge it to dissipate. He didn't want to be angry with her, he just wanted to find a path forward.

Please, he whispered to her, refocusing on her presence rather than the cloud. Trust me a little bit more.

Even if she was right about his safety, he was pretty sure she was holding back for more reasons than just that - especially considering that, when he'd gotten close to the cloud, he'd mostly sensed embarrassment rather than fear or trepidation. But, it wouldn't do to demand that she open to him, or try to sneak inside, although he certainly felt the temptation to. With a sigh, Evan willed his hands to relax, the one on his chest opening to rest his palm over his heart, and the other gently detangling form his hair to rest against the ground by his head. Silently, he invited her to to seek comfort in him, his foot still gently stroking up and down his leg.

While Evan allowed himself to be soothed with the goddess' melody--one of his hands even coming up to run gently through his hair--he quickly became a tumult of emotions by the end of what the goddess said. His anger and frustration bit into them both as he grasped painfully at his own hair, and the goddess had the sensation he was trying to bring her back to him by causing himself pain. It was working. Even more so when his other hand initiated another chorus of scratching across his chest. It felt good--turning this frustration inside out, making it visible. And, harmless, really, given that the goddess pulsed within Evan and would subtly heal whatever he did to himself.

But, primarily, he felt trapped. Caged, stuck, permanently unable to escape this dynamic they were creating for themselves--the goddess constantly trying to protect him while he felt vulnerable. It made her want to cry, and when Evan's body began to sob, she wasn't entirely sure which of their emotions were playing out on the surface. Both sets of them, probably.

And then, he was angry at her, angry that she was still trying to hide something present enough to be relevant. The goddess knew what was behind the cloud--another memory of Rorrim. It didn't feel relevant. And yet...

Please, Evan said, Trust me a little bit more. Evan's hands settled then, one resting comfortably on his chest while the other fell softly to the grass at their side. Evan felt open and ready to listen to her. But, he wanted her to tell him on her own time.

Using Evan's lungs, the goddess sighed heavily, not entirely sure if Evan was talking about the looming memory or her fear of enthralling him. Both? Everything.

She let the memory overtake them, pressing Evan's fingers against his chest to create some kind of anchor.

"You won't ever be able to match me," the goddess said near to Rorrim's ear before she moved away from him, her voice playful and happy, taunting him.

"And whose fault is that?" the king asked. He was lying on the goddess' large bed behind the throne in the nude, one leg casually bent while he looked her. The goddess turned to face him, shooting him a look. They had had this conversation before.

"You want me to disturb the natural order of things. Just so you can be with me?"

"And why not? Isn't that what you do with dreams? Disturb them just by touching them?" The goddess recoiled at the thought, but she couldn't immediately find a way to counter the argument. "And whose rules are you playing by, anyway? You're a god, Dehaljadrun. You can do what you want. Is this not what you want?" He got up from his place on the bed and came closer to her, grasping both her wrists. "How can I be a proper companion to you otherwise?" His eyes were golden and compelling, his shoulder-length hair swept back in a way that never ceased to catch the goddess' attention.

Dehaljadrun leaned in, the playful tone coming back into her voice. "And what will you give me in return?"

"Multiple lifetimes of my company is not enough?" He brushed a hand against her cheek then and reached up to kiss her, and for a few moments, they were lost in the sensations of each other. Pulling away abruptly, the goddess said, "I want to see you. All of you. Let me know your thoughts. I'll give you what you want in exchange for that." The king's expression darkened, and his grip on her wrists tightened.

"I'm not negotiating that. Ask for something else." The goddess nearly pouted then. She'd tried so many times to get him to give up his secrets, but he was stubborn, much more than she cared for.

She leaned toward Rorrim, placing weight on her wrists such that they both tumbled over on the bed, smiling. "That's not how it works. Make me a proper offering." The king looked her over and released her, deciding after a moment to get onto his knees. The playfulness left his eyes as his face became serious and grave.

"I know all this wears on you, your responsibilities, your godhood, your ties to this realm. You constantly watch and listen and give and protect and fulfill desires, and no one stops to ask what you want. You're tired, and for one moment in your incredibly long and painful existence, you just want to feel like nothing. Like you don't matter, like nothing will fall apart if you stop looking at it." The goddess looked down, and the king put one finger under her chin, pulling her gaze back up to him. "How can I give that to you if you don't help me?" The goddess pulled away from the king's finger, but his words were compelling, widening dark holes within her.

"You want to be a god yourself?" the goddess asked sarcastically. Rorrim smiled mischievously.

"Let's start with immortality and go from there."

"One hundred additional years," the goddess said, bargaining.

"Of youth and wellness?" the king asked.

The goddess rolled her eyes. "Fine. Yes."

"I also want a way to prevent you from using your abilities."

"What?"

"You don't trust me?" He asked, his eyes looking from one of hers to the other. "Only temporarily," the king added, "I wouldn't take what you are away from you completely." The goddess looked at him, fear and excitement swirling in her belly.

"Temporarily," she said, already thinking of the ache she would feel if offerings to her suddenly stopped.

The memory faded, and the goddess took a breath in Evan's body, trying to stabilize herself again. It was embarrassing, admitting she was at least partially responsible for what Rorrim had become. But, worse than that, Dehaljadrun didn't want Evan to get the wrong idea about how she was now or what she wanted. The goddess shook Evan's head as though to say no or perhaps just dislodge the memory from both their minds.

I changed for him, the goddess said in an attempt to explain. He wanted... a version of me that... Gods, she hated even thinking the word. ...that would be obedient to him. And you have to understand... I have lived a long, long time. She worried that it was flimsy explanation, but she couldn't think of another way to describe it.

You... the goddess said, trying to preserve the connection her and Evan had, You make it easier to carry this burden, this potency. Rorrim only wanted to obscure it. The hand on the ground worked its way up toward Evan's chest while the one on his chest slid down toward Evan's hip and lightly stroked the place Evan's sword had bit in when he had cut both of them. The goddess hoped desperately that he wouldn't want her out of him now that he had seen what she had given the king.

A sigh pushed its way out of Evan, and he felt cautiously relieved and hopeful, though a little bit fearful as his fingers pressed against his chest as if needing to lay anchor again. The cloud drifted over them and parted, the memory it contained spilling forth.

"You won't ever be able to match me," Evan said near his lover's ear before moving away, his voice a playful, taunting challenge.

"And whose fault is that?" the king asked. He was lying nude on Evan's bed, one leg casually bent in a pose he knew full well to be enticing. Evan turned to face him, shooting him a look. They had had this conversation before.

Wait, no, the goddess had had that conversation with Rorrim before.

"You want me to disturb the natural order of things. Just so you can be with me?" the goddess replied.

"And why not? Isn't that what you do with dreams? Disturb them just by touching them?" Evan recoiled angrily at the thought that the goddess of dreams disturbed them.

"And whose rules are you playing by, anyway?" Rorrim continued, "You're a god, Dehaljadrun. You can do what you want. Is this not what you want?"

Anger simmered sharply in Evan. A fantasy shot through his awareness, brief but vivid, of simply walking back over to Rorrim and backhanding him across the face. But then, undisturbed, Rorrim got up from his place on the bed and came closer to the goddess, grasping both her wrists. Evan squirmed uncomfortably, that trapped feeling ensnaring him again.

"How can I be a proper companion to you otherwise?"

Evan wanted to spit in the king's face, but was taken aback by the power it held over him--like he really was Evan's lover. Rorrim's golden eyes were compelling as he looked at Evan, his shoulder-length hair regal in the way that it swept back, somehow reminding Evan that he was the king, even here, even standing naked in a realm that was in no way his to rule. Some begrudging respect bloomed in Evan - however much he disliked the king, there was something admirable and maybe even familiar about Rorrim's gall.

"And what will you give me in return?" the goddess replied to Rorrim, playful and leaning in, and Evan felt a frustrated panic arise in him, even as he felt the pull of Rorrim's gravity himself.

"Multiple lifetimes of my company is not enough?" Rorrim brushed a hand against Evan's cheek then and leaned in to kiss Evan, and for a few moments, they were lost in the sensations of each other. With a rush, Evan pulled away, managing to muster some playful composure with the satisfaction of having left Rorrim hanging.

"I want to see you. All of you." Evan said--no, the goddess did. "Let me know your thoughts. I'll give you what you want in exchange for that."

There was something very interesting about that to Evan, but he didn't have time to parse through that sensation before his attention was back on the king, taking in Rorrim's darkened expression, and the tightened grip on Evan's wrists.

"I'm not negotiating that. Ask for something else." Rorrim was very serious in his reply, and Evan couldn't help feeling frustrated and disappointed, this aching gnawing desire to know what cards the king kept so close to his chest. But Rorrim was stubborn, even moreso than Evan himself.

The goddess managed playfulness, though, leaning on Rorrim so as to topple them all back onto the bed.

"That's not how it works," she said, smiling. "Make me a proper offering."

Evan couldn't help the fantasy that pulsed through him of Rorrim chanting her name--not merely saying it like he'd so flippantly done earlier in the conversation. Rorrim did release Evan's wrists, and after a moment, got on his knees, his expression serious, and excitement trilled through Evan in anticipation of seeing the king genuinely worship.

"I know all this wears on you," Rorrim said. "Your responsibilities, your godhood, your ties to this realm. You constantly watch and listen and give and protect and fulfill desires, and no one stops to ask what you want. You're tired, and for one moment in your incredibly long and painful existence, you just want to feel like nothing. Like you don't matter, like nothing will fall apart if you stop looking at it."

Evan looked down, shame and embarrassment and understanding weighing on him. He never wanted the responsibilities on his shoulders, but he'd carried them--at least, the ones he believed in, because no one else would--and the thought of being able to put them all down even for just a few moments was certainly enticing. And he was a long ways away from being a fucking god.

Rorrim pulled Evan's gaze back up with a finger under his chin, and another fantasy flickered through Evan's mind--an echo of an image he'd conjured with other lovers and crushes before, but surprising him with how genuinely possible it seemed with Rorrim, to be on his knees beside the king, Rorrim's fingers caressing through his hair--granted, this particular incarnation of this image included a leash in Rorrim's other hand, tugging at a collar around Evan's neck like he were a dog.

"How can I give that to you if you don't help me?" Rorrim asked, and embarrassment and regathered resolve pushed Evan back, putting space between them.

The goddess haggled with the king--not immortality like he asked for, but a considerable addition of years. Evan's mind spun as he tried to keep up, some part of him still pulled towards the fantasy that had briefly interrupted, and the rest of him confused about what was really happening. Had Rorrim really given the goddess the offering she'd asked for? Or genuinely persuaded her of something she wanted--Evan had to grant, clearly, the king's words did have weight.

"I also want a way to prevent you from using your abilities," Rorrim said, and that demand startled Evan, and the goddess as well.

"What?"

"You don't trust me?" Rorrim asked, and anger started to simmer within Evan again. Rorrim's eyes were locked with Evan's, shifting from one to the other, assuredly gleaning the suspicion in Evan's chest. "Only temporarily," he added, "I wouldn't take what you are away from you completely." Fear and excitement swirled in Evan's belly, threatening to obfuscate the anger he felt and pull him back towards the fantasy that so palpably beckoned his attention.

"Temporarily," he said, already thinking of the ache the goddess would feel if offerings to her suddenly stopped.

And then a fresh panic arose again, as he contemplated what it would mean for the goddess' offerings to stop.

The cloud finished passing by, and Evan took in a deep breath, attention sinking back into the chill in the air and the cold ground beneath his back. Jealousy flared up in him, and worry followed shortly after, but the goddess shook her head--his head--almost as if to preemptively pull him back from where he was headed, and he didn't fight her on that.

I changed for him, she said in an attempt to explain. He wanted... a version of me that... that would be obedient to him. And you have to understand... I have lived a long, long time.

Discomfort certainly swirled in Evan's chest, but he gave a small, tentative nod of understanding. He felt that fantasy of kneeling at Rorrim's feet close at hand, his own cloud of embarrassment around it, and he felt sheepish about the flare of anger he'd had towards the goddess earlier. But, he had reeled that in, and even now, despite his embarrassment, he wasn't exactly hiding anything from her, more just, trying not to let it get completely in the way as he tried to keep his focus on her.

You... she continued, plainly invested in keeping their connection, which Evan was grateful for. He wasn't sure what would even happen if they parted now, and this certainly wasn't how he'd want to leave things. You make it easier to carry this burden, this potency. Rorrim only wanted to obscure it. The hand on the ground worked its way up toward Evan's chest while the one on his chest slid down toward Evan's hip and lightly stroked the place Evan's sword had bit in when he had cut both of them. Yet more tears welled up in Evan's eyes, a knot settling in his throat. At least, connected as they were at present, he didn't have to fight the battle of physically talking through it.

Though, he wasn't sure what he wanted to say. He lay still for a moment with his emotions, letting the hand on his chest keep him anchored as he allowed the jealousy and confusion and embarrassment in him to shift and swirl in whatever patterns they may. After some of it had swirled itself out and started to dissipate, Evan took a deep breath with the body, and tried to refocus his mind on why they'd even ended up in that memory in the first place.

I will always be a danger to you, the goddess' words echoed in his mind, bringing with it another round of brief flashes of moments that did still spark fear in his body to recall.

There must be some way, the thought spilled forth from Evan, but too much swirled in his mind to sensically finish it. What exactly had the goddess given Rorrim? What exactly was even on the table here, if anything? Reading between the lines, it seemed like she regretted whatever she had given, and the last thing he wanted was to ask too much of her now. But, if there was something that she could do to alleviate both of their fears of his inability to withstand her... gods, he couldn't possibly hide how powerfully he longed for it.

The goddess did her absolute best to focus her attention only on what Evan might think of her, knowing there was a darker fear on the horizon she could not look at. As she waited for Evan to regain his bearings from the disorientation of reliving her memory, she made sure they were both breathing deeply, giving them the best chance to process whatever just happened together. Evan lay still for longer than the goddess could hardly bear, anxious and ashamed and tearing up with their shared emotion.

She hadn’t wanted Evan to see anything more about Rorrim. She had wanted Evan to forget about him entirely. The goddess wanted to forget about him entirely. But, he was so buried in her memory, in her past, in her decisions, that the king was relentless, dogging her even now, even while utterly inside another man.

Trying to parse through Evan’s emotions, the goddess caught twinges of understanding about her desire for submission coupled with some potent jealousy that both gratified and terrified her. But then, she heard her own words again. I will constantly be a danger to you. They echoed in the shared consciousness, and she began to see Evan’s thoughts coalesce into exactly the place she had been afraid of. Though they never took the form of words, she could see them plainly enough.

There must be some way.

It was all she caught, that vague, indirect notion that there was something he could gain to withstand her, and it infuriated her. She immediately closed off to Evan, remaining within him but pushing a wall between them as much as possible as her panic erupted around her.

The body they shared flailed as she sobbed and thrashed, unable to prevent at least that much from getting through. She could not possibly bear the possibility that Evan, too, was using her in the same way--that he was only doing this, staying with her, breaking the sorcery Rorrim had created--to get something from her.

Lightning in echoes of that from the storm she had created flashed through them both, shocking and stabbing them both in all the places that already hurt and ached for connection and love and belonging. Were there no humans selfless enough to… to… To what? Appease her? Avoid her past? Give her everything she wanted? She didn’t want that!

FUCK!

She screamed the word within their shared mindspace, the lightning shattering through them once again and creating a silence through which no words could emerge for several moments despite their proximity to the ground.

In the space of that, the goddess forced a number of breaths through the body, and the heart restarted. The only sound the goddess could hear was the throb of Evan’s blood and their shared breathing.

Calming herself, the goddess looked again the situation. She was inside Evan. There was nothing he could hide from her. Of course he was going to want whatever she had that would make him more valuable to her. That was sane. That was rational. And he hadn’t even gone and asked for it specifically.

Taking a few more breaths, the goddess allowed her mental barriers to slowly slip down, inviting Evan again into their shared consciousness.

She took a deep breath, feeling into his fear and his pain and his love for her and her freedom, and she said, Go to the Underworld first. And then I will know I can trust you. In those words, she poured all her real and authentic love for him, all her knowing that he was, up to this point, exactly the man she wanted. That, despite all his very human shortcomings, she loved him more than she could possibly communicate in words. And she wanted desperately to believe in him.

Come back. I need you to go to the Underworld and come back. Come back to me. Come back to me.

She begged and pleaded. She didn’t want another Rorrim. She didn’t want another distraction. She wanted to own her godhood and to lead and be fully able to move from realm to realm with power and diligence and love, and she was never more certain that Evan would be the one to help her do that.

A cold, hard loneliness slammed down on Evan as soon as the thought arose, and panic and regret erupted in him. Sobs poured from his lungs and his limbs thrashed against the ground, and terror gripped at him that it wasn't all his. The goddess was going through another storm, but still trying to protect him from it--or just hide it from him--and he ached with the sorrow and frustration of it. Then a stabbing shock cascaded through his body, searing his senses and pulling an agonizing cry from his consciousness as the memory of his cheek grinding into the ground bubbled up, and in its wake a streak of hurt and anger. If she was punishing him, the wall she'd erected between them felt against the spirit of what he'd asked her for--to say nothing of the fact that of all the times she'd been angry with him, he'd been trying his earnest fucking best to do right by her here.

FUCK!

The goddess' scream rang through their shared mindspace, and Evan reached for it, desperate to find the connection that surely must still be there, but another searing shock tore through him, along with a frantic vertigo this time, like he'd almost lost his footing at the top of a deadly cliff. He scrambled for something that felt like a foothold, the fingers of his body scratching and clenching at the ground beneath him as he settled stubbornly into the breathing of the body, his eyes opening to look at the sky as his heart thumped loudly in his ears. Fuck, just how close had that been?

Go to the Underworld first, the goddess said, feeling closer now, And then I will know I can trust you.

Evan wanted to hold onto his anger, but relief rushed through him as he felt the goddess' love and hope and fervent reaching for her own belief.

Come back. I need you to go to the Underworld and come back. Come back to me. Come back to me.

She begged and pleaded in his mind, and Evan's body sobbed again, too many emotions swirling around inside to do anything else. The impulse arose to throw something of a tantrum at the goddess - he wanted her to stop leaving him, stop putting up all these godsdamned barriers when he was trying his very fucking best to give her everything he could. But, no matter how much he might hate it, he could wait until after the Underworld, if that's what she needed.

I will, he said to her, and the body exhaled with that resolve, finally finding a tired stillness in which to rest for the moment.

I will, he said.

The sound rang in the goddess' ears... no, Evan's ears. His mind.

Their heart had stopped for a moment--when the lightning had coursed through them both, she was sure of it.

But he was alive now and furious at her. Furious and demanding her back.

Their chest rose and fell, and she waited, feeling nothing but the sheen of sweat on their body now, a thick and pleasant feeling of fullness spreading in all directions.

She had killed him. For a moment. But he was still here.

She couldn't help it. She smiled. She smiled and she laughed, a sweet, high-pitched sound. She could have hugged him if they were in separate bodies. And their arms abruptly swept across each other to grasp either shoulder.

The goddess sucked in a breath. Gods, the two of them were close, their identities orbiting each other in an extremely pleasurable shock and wave around their spine. She was so thoroughly grateful to be here with him, and it was bare and naked and plain on both of them, their body.

The goddess moved one of Evan's hands slowly up and down the other upper arm, and the other hand came to his cheek.

Evvaann... the goddess said, drawing out the sounds as they echoed through his mind.

I never want to leave you. And she knew saying that made her everything the human stories said, but she didn't care. It was true, and she didn't want to hide that from Evan in the slightest.

When we have both fulfilled our ends of the bargain... In the space of a breath, the goddess said two things at once, each echoing around each other.

I'll want to see you again.

I have no interest in letting you out of sight again.

Gods, she couldn't keep anything from him. A blush of pink flashed bright behind their eyes. Evan's fingers gripped tightly around his upper arms.

Trying to shake the embarrassment, the goddess said, That is, if your little toy doesn't mind, and a set of images flashed between them-- Dehaljadrun wearing Xavier's body, once in her realm and once with Xavier proper.

A wash of pleasure darted downward, and Evan's cock throbbed heavily with memories from earlier that day--Xavier lying faceup on top of him while he refused to orgasm. Gods, Evan never did make things easy on himself, and the goddess found herself impressed with his restraint.

He came back. He had come back. This was going to work. A hand flew to Evan's heart, and the goddess laughed again, hopeful.

In the stillness settled a pleasant fullness, and Evan could feel the sheen of cold sweat on his skin as he breathed. Then, all at once, a smile tugged at his lips, and laughter bubbled up, his arms wrapping around himself and squeezing in delight. The goddess' delight, washing away what remained of his anger and sorrow and fear. None of it mattered anymore, not when the goddess radiated gratitude just for being there with him in this moment. She rubbed his arm and brought a hand to his cheek, his name rolling through their consciousness with a thrilling languid buzz.

I never want to leave you. she said, and Evan squeezed his hand on their shoulder, both happy and nervous at once.

When we have both fulfilled our ends of the bargain... In the space of a breath, the goddess said two things at once, each echoing around each other.

I'll want to see you again.

I have no interest in letting you out of sight again.

Thrill washed through him, but so did a small pang of fear. A blush of pink flashed bright behind their eyes, and Evan's fingers tightened their grip.

That is, if your little toy doesn't mind.

Evan felt confusion first, then a swell of indignance before he fully understood what the goddess was actually getting at. Images flashed between them--the goddess transforming into Xavier's form and caressing the lieutenant's hands over his own body; Xavier acting under the goddess' influence, goading Evan on.

A wash of pleasure darted downward, and Evan's cock throbbed heavily with memories from earlier that day--Xavier lying faceup on top of him while he refused to orgasm. Gods, how he'd ached, even as pleasure coursed through him.

A hand flew to Evan's heart, and the goddess laughed again, hopeful.

Evan felt happy, but also a bit tentative about it. He felt defensive about his relationship with Xavier, and irritated that she'd called him a toy. He didn't really want to sour the interaction over it, but at the same time, it felt dangerous to continue to leave this thread hanging.

I will go back to him, too.

An embarrassed jitter briefly vibrated through Evan; that wasn't the sort of thing he would have so easily said out loud. But it was true, and feeling relevant. He was devoted to the goddess, and absolutely wanted to see her again, over and over and over again if he could help it, long after their bargain was through, but he wouldn't settle for only her. He'd still have a kingdom to help run--hell, her own temples to see rebuilt. Other loves to visit. He might have never been so plain about parallel affections, but he'd also never been so bare to another being, nor so ready to fight for multiple different aspects of his life at once.

Evan's uneasiness at her declarations soured the air between them, and goddess frowned using Evan's mouth. She had successfully deflected attention to some degree as Evan's irritation about Xavier took center stage in their mindspace, but it left her feeling hollow. She had wanted Evan to feel embraced--loved, even--but this... was not exactly what she wanted.

I will go back to him, too, Evan told her with a confidence that surprised her. It wasn't as though Evan and Xavier had ever merged like this or otherwise shared a body. Was Evan's attachment to the man so strong?

But, she could also plainly see how devoted Evan was to her, as much as she had an inclination to deny it. But, she wasn't enough for him. She saw Evan imagine his planned and possible futures--reforming the government of Asphodel, rebuilding her temples, tumbling with strangers--and she knew she couldn't ask him to give them all up. She didn't want him to. The last thing she wanted was to wholly and truly trap him--she'd gone to enormous lengths to avoid that.

A painful jealousy boiled up from their gut as the goddess thought about Captain Yukiko Fujiwara in this light. The goddess knew that having such vitriol for the woman did no one any good, but the pain of hearing Evan call Yukiko by Dehaljadrun's name still stung like a slap to the face. Granted, it did seem like whatever had occurred between them was over, if Yukiko's willingness to defer was any indication. But, the goddess was not prepared to keep Evan away from even her, not if it meant making him feel trapped.

Swallowing some of the jealousy, the goddess sat upright in Evan's body with their legs splayed out in front of them, smiled, and said, I know what it is to be trapped, and I don't want that for you. You are free to come and go and love whom you please.

After a few moments of silence, she added, I won't be able to stop myself from doing the same. She thought of the volunteers--one of whom was already somewhere in her realm--and also thought of Rorrim, of how she had tried to deny herself the dreams, desires, and companionship of others... no, she would not do that to herself again. That was truly against her nature, no matter how compelling the desire to stay in Evan's body or at least stay by his side.

The goddess seemed displeased, which Evan supposed was more than reasonable. He tried to be patient with the discomfort, but was surprised when it seemed like Yukiko was arising in the goddess' thoughts. Embarrassment and hurt and irritation burned within Evan, though he tried to keep it contained to just embers. He had called Yukiko by the goddess' name, once upon a time, and he felt mortified about it. It had been a moment of vulnerability and devotion to Yukiko, and their relationship changed after it in ways that Evan had never fully understood. He couldn't help assuming that she thought less of him, somehow, that she'd just indulged him and thought him strange once she'd seen that part of him. She never fucking once tipped her hand to him, and he was still fucking bitter about that, when he'd laid literal fucking worship at her feet.

Just as the embers in him were starting to flame, he felt pulled back into the body as the goddess sat up, and pleasantly surprised to feel a smile on their expression.

I know what it is to be trapped, she said, and I don't want that for you. You are free to come and go and love whom you please.

The warmth in him shifted from anger to relief, some tension in their shared chest releasing. Evan was more than happy to let go of thinking about Yukiko, and to recenter himself on the present--on his time with the goddess he'd really been worshipping all along.

Then the goddess added, I won't be able to stop myself from doing the same. While that only seemed fair, a small flare of jealousy and insecurity did bloom within him. The volunteers would be with the goddess soon--Raccoon of all people already here, and assholes like Lance on the way. And Philip, too.

Nervously, Evan shifted his attention more intently to what the goddess was thinking--about Rorrim, and holding herself back from others for him. Evan latched onto that, wanting to think about Philip even less than he wanted to think about Yukiko, and he fanned the anger he'd had at the notion that Rorrim had starved her. No, he'd never ask her to hold herself back from anyone for him, and he was grateful she seemed willing to offer him the same. In some ways it felt a little odd to have this sort of agreement above board for more than just casual lays, but happiness genuinely bloomed as he settled into the idea.

Thank you, he said, one hand instinctively reaching for the other, thumb rubbing affectionately over palm. Internally, he radiated gratitude and relief and affection, the embers of his previous anger and irritation fading into the background, unimportant in the face of this genuine joy.

One of Evan's thumbs reached over to stroke the palm of his other hand, and the goddess found the gesture incredibly comforting. She could see that he was still swirling with anger, irritation, frustration, and more, but he did genuinely appreciate what she was giving him. It was no small thing, this trust and freedom. Yet, it seemed inevitable if they were going to care about each other this intensely.

The goddess took a deep breath in their body, feeling lighter but not altogether clear. She looked at what had happened--making the cloak, her storm, their merger--and wondered if there was anything else she needed before they moved on.

She wasn't going to change her nature overnight; she needed to make a concerted effort to direct the pull humanity had on her, but that required actions over time. There was nothing she could do right now about that. Except perhaps give Evan exactly what she had just given him.

And then she remembered again that she had stopped Evan's heart, and another smile came to their lips.

You know, if we had been able to merge when you first arrived tonight, I likely would not have needed your soldier at all, the goddess said as she slowly maneuvered Evan's body to its feet. I've missed this. She hoped he understood even though this was the first time they had ever felt quite so close.