Nick smiled at Rav and visibly relaxed, some of the tension melting out of his shoulders. Had Nick really been that anxious about Rav not liking it?
"I'm glad it's not too... garage-y," Nick said with a laugh. And then, a heavy silence.
Nick sighed, and Rav thought maybe Nick was waiting for something. He tried to think of something to say but didn't quite make it there before Nick spoke again.
"I'm feeling nervous," he said, although he was grinning crookedly and shifted to face Rav, laying his head on the back of the couch. "And... kind of distant. I think maybe I rushed myself through the tour to get through it all. I'm glad you've seen the space now, though. And, I'm glad we're here sitting on the futon together.
Rav stopped his mind from trying to figure out how to fix any of those things. Ultimately, Nick was just checking in with himself and sharing what he discovered with Rav. It was data, not a responsibility Nick was laying at Rav's feet.
Nick's smile became shy as he looked at their hands, adjusting his fingers. It did feel better to shift and have variety in their points of contact. The movement woke Rav's hand up a bit, reminding him just how wonderful and miraculous it was that they were holding hands at all. Rav stared in open wonder at their hands for a few more moments before anything else.
He wanted to invite Nick in somehow, to hold him in a quiet, peaceful silence. For all their talk about swapping stories, maybe it wasn't the time for that yet.
Wiggling his fingers in a more exaggerated way, Rav smiled at Nick, hoping to give him a little extra delight before he pulled away to shrug off his jacket. It was too bulky for what he wanted next.
That done, Rav looked at Nick, tempted to say something like, "I didn't want to let you out of your room" or to bring up how much he had wanted to pin Nick against the bathroom door at the park. But, did Rav want to frighten Nick? Maybe part of him did, but he also wanted that quiet peace.
With a slight sigh, Rav smiled a little mournfully at Nick and held up one hand, hoping Nick might meet him there so they could play and dance and see what emerged between them.
((OOC: If Nick also wants to take off his jacket, we can assume that happened at the same time.))
Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav's fingers were pliant at first, and then they wiggled a little dramatically, Rav catching Nick's gaze with a smile. A lone flutter escaped from Nick's stomach out through his throat in a giggle. Then Rav pulled away, and before the gesture had a chance to spark any worry about withdrawing, he began to shrug off his jacket. Nick relaxed, feeling warm in his chest, and moved to take off his jacket, too.
His cheeks grew especially warm as he thought about the moment Rav had taken off his jacket to hug Nick in the park bathroom. What journeys they'd been on tonight. But he felt warm and cozy, now--not that the basement was especially warm, but he and Rav were close on the couch, anticipation keeping Nick's blood flowing a little more fervently than usual. And, while his jacket wasn't quite as stiff as Rav's, he liked that he was matching Rav this time, shedding a layer of his own in tandem. It felt good.
They both settled back into the couch with their jackets out of the way in the same moment, eyes meeting, and Nick felt a potent ripple course through him, an echo of a flash of sharpness in Rav's eyes, stoking Nick's anticipation hotter.
But then Rav sighed, his smile turning a little melancholy. Nick raised his eyebrows a little, curious about what that little arc had been for Rav, but before he could think about how to inquire, Rav held up a hand, the invitation soft and sweet and palpable, and Nick smiled as he gingerly reached out with his own hand, watching the distance slowly close as his fingers swished a little in the air on their way toward Rav's skin.
((OOC: Okay, I do think this would be fun to play out sometime, so I'ma leave this off here..... hehe :3))
His cheeks grew especially warm as he thought about the moment Rav had taken off his jacket to hug Nick in the park bathroom. What journeys they'd been on tonight. But he felt warm and cozy, now--not that the basement was especially warm, but he and Rav were close on the couch, anticipation keeping Nick's blood flowing a little more fervently than usual. And, while his jacket wasn't quite as stiff as Rav's, he liked that he was matching Rav this time, shedding a layer of his own in tandem. It felt good.
They both settled back into the couch with their jackets out of the way in the same moment, eyes meeting, and Nick felt a potent ripple course through him, an echo of a flash of sharpness in Rav's eyes, stoking Nick's anticipation hotter.
But then Rav sighed, his smile turning a little melancholy. Nick raised his eyebrows a little, curious about what that little arc had been for Rav, but before he could think about how to inquire, Rav held up a hand, the invitation soft and sweet and palpable, and Nick smiled as he gingerly reached out with his own hand, watching the distance slowly close as his fingers swished a little in the air on their way toward Rav's skin.
((OOC: Okay, I do think this would be fun to play out sometime, so I'ma leave this off here..... hehe :3))
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Their hands made contact in a light, playful dance, fingertips exploring one another and the lengths of the digits beneath them. Nick began to feel another flutter of nervousness, some strange self-consciousness about whether just touching hands was enough--whatever that meant--but then Rav surprised him with a question.
"Why do you think you rushed?"
Nick sighed a little, his sheepish smile holding strong.
"I guess..." he watched as his fingers trailed down into Rav's palm and back up again, slowly, contemplatively. His mind thought back to the moment of arriving in front of the laundry machines, the feelings of awkwardness and maybe embarassment that had bloomed, and perhaps he'd been eager to move on from--if not avoid feeling entirely? It wasn't exactly a thrilling entrance to his space. But, he also didn't really want to talk about that now, either, and that didn't feel like the whole story, anyway. So, as his fingers continued trailing over Rav's hand, his mind continued on into the garage proper, where they'd beheld the area where they might have done contact improv, had they chosen to do it down here, and something slowly started to coalesce into words.
"I think I was... afraid of getting... stuck...?"
He nodded a little, as if answering his own question to himself, if a bit tentatively.
"Why do you think you rushed?"
Nick sighed a little, his sheepish smile holding strong.
"I guess..." he watched as his fingers trailed down into Rav's palm and back up again, slowly, contemplatively. His mind thought back to the moment of arriving in front of the laundry machines, the feelings of awkwardness and maybe embarassment that had bloomed, and perhaps he'd been eager to move on from--if not avoid feeling entirely? It wasn't exactly a thrilling entrance to his space. But, he also didn't really want to talk about that now, either, and that didn't feel like the whole story, anyway. So, as his fingers continued trailing over Rav's hand, his mind continued on into the garage proper, where they'd beheld the area where they might have done contact improv, had they chosen to do it down here, and something slowly started to coalesce into words.
"I think I was... afraid of getting... stuck...?"
He nodded a little, as if answering his own question to himself, if a bit tentatively.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav felt strange not responding directly to Nick's admission, but he genuinely couldn't think of what to say, and really, returning to touching hands felt like the best way to get them back on the same page. So, when Nick's fingers fluttered his direction and made contact, Rav let out a pent-up breath and softened back into the interaction, their hands fluid and exploratory.
But, then, finally, words made their way through Rav's mind.
"Why do you think you rushed?"
Rav did not need an immediate answer. He thoroughly contented himself with the sensations in his fingers, trying not to allow himself to get too eager about exploring other types of touch. Nick sighed, and Rav looked up at him, his fingers still caressing and massaging Nick's.
"I guess..." Nick started, "I think I was... afraid of getting... stuck...?"
Rav nodded, although the fantasy he'd had of trapping Nick in his own room came freshly to mind. Was it better or worse that Rav had been delighted by the very thing Nick was afraid would happen? He wasn't sure, but he decided to take a chance, his fingers beginning to explore further down Nick's wrist.
"I thought about us getting stuck in your room, while we were there," Rav confessed, his face growing redder in color, though his expression didn't change. "I seem to have quite a few of these 'pinning' and 'trapping' fantasies. But, I figure, saying them out loud, maybe it will help move something through." Rav shifted his hand up and down Nick's wrist slowly, trading hands and then getting them both engaged in the caress. "Maybe it's just that I've been facing my fears of myself for a long time, but..." Rav pressed his fingers gently into the meat of Nick hand. "...I seem to find the idea of helping someone else face their fears very exciting."
((OOC: This is definitely straying a little from what Rav actually said, but I think it's truer to the context here.))
But, then, finally, words made their way through Rav's mind.
"Why do you think you rushed?"
Rav did not need an immediate answer. He thoroughly contented himself with the sensations in his fingers, trying not to allow himself to get too eager about exploring other types of touch. Nick sighed, and Rav looked up at him, his fingers still caressing and massaging Nick's.
"I guess..." Nick started, "I think I was... afraid of getting... stuck...?"
Rav nodded, although the fantasy he'd had of trapping Nick in his own room came freshly to mind. Was it better or worse that Rav had been delighted by the very thing Nick was afraid would happen? He wasn't sure, but he decided to take a chance, his fingers beginning to explore further down Nick's wrist.
"I thought about us getting stuck in your room, while we were there," Rav confessed, his face growing redder in color, though his expression didn't change. "I seem to have quite a few of these 'pinning' and 'trapping' fantasies. But, I figure, saying them out loud, maybe it will help move something through." Rav shifted his hand up and down Nick's wrist slowly, trading hands and then getting them both engaged in the caress. "Maybe it's just that I've been facing my fears of myself for a long time, but..." Rav pressed his fingers gently into the meat of Nick hand. "...I seem to find the idea of helping someone else face their fears very exciting."
((OOC: This is definitely straying a little from what Rav actually said, but I think it's truer to the context here.))
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
As they continued their touch explorations, Rav's fingers began to trail down to Nick's wrist, sending pleasant delighted tingles down Nick's arm. He smiled happily, relaxing into the sensation.
"I thought about us getting stuck in your room, while we were there," Rav said after a moment, and Nick's cheeks grew warm, his gaze averting even from their hands in a burst of shyness--though he kept his hand where it was, not at all wanting to interrupt the feeling of Rav's fingers on his skin.
"I seem to have quite a few of these 'pinning' and 'trapping' fantasies," Rav continued, bringing to mind their walk along the fence and quickening Nick's heartbeat. "But, I figure, saying them out loud, maybe it will help move something through." Rav shifted his hand up and down Nick's wrist slowly, trading hands and then getting them both engaged in the caress. Nick closed his eyes, relaxing his head against the couch. Nervous butterflies fluttered around inside him, but it was hard to complain about listening to Rav's voice, feeling his touch... flirting with fantasies of being pinned. "Maybe it's just that I've been facing my fears of myself for a long time, but..." Rav pressed his fingers gently into the meat of Nick hand. "...I seem to find the idea of helping someone else face their fears very exciting."
Nick exhaled a little shakily, his fingers pleasantly curling and uncurling in response to the pressure Rav exerted on his hand. His smile was wide, but terribly shy, and he tilted his face a little into the couch, bringing his other hand up into his hair to further obscure his expression. Still, the hand that Rav held remained happily extended, relaxed, open, inviting. Nick loved everything Rav was doing to it, and really didn't want him to stop.
"I mean.... that sounds exciting to me too." Nick said after a moment, another subtle little giggle playing on his breath near the end. He sobered a little in the wake of it, though, growing skeptical that his particular fear was what Rav was fantasizing about. Looking at the real thing was a little underwhelming, Nick estimated--perhaps even disappointing. His hand drooped just a little bit, his whole body feeling a shade more numb as he really looked at it.
"In theory, at least...." With a soft sigh, Nick lowered his free hand and raised his face just enough to catch Rav's eye, his expression still smiling but now considerably sheepish and perhaps a tad worried or even apologetic.
"It's almost more like I'm afraid of like... trapping myself, though?" He shook his head a little with another soft sigh, though he bravely kept his gaze on Rav, at least in between indulgent blinks. "Which doesn't sound very exciting for either of us. It doesn't make much sense."
"I thought about us getting stuck in your room, while we were there," Rav said after a moment, and Nick's cheeks grew warm, his gaze averting even from their hands in a burst of shyness--though he kept his hand where it was, not at all wanting to interrupt the feeling of Rav's fingers on his skin.
"I seem to have quite a few of these 'pinning' and 'trapping' fantasies," Rav continued, bringing to mind their walk along the fence and quickening Nick's heartbeat. "But, I figure, saying them out loud, maybe it will help move something through." Rav shifted his hand up and down Nick's wrist slowly, trading hands and then getting them both engaged in the caress. Nick closed his eyes, relaxing his head against the couch. Nervous butterflies fluttered around inside him, but it was hard to complain about listening to Rav's voice, feeling his touch... flirting with fantasies of being pinned. "Maybe it's just that I've been facing my fears of myself for a long time, but..." Rav pressed his fingers gently into the meat of Nick hand. "...I seem to find the idea of helping someone else face their fears very exciting."
Nick exhaled a little shakily, his fingers pleasantly curling and uncurling in response to the pressure Rav exerted on his hand. His smile was wide, but terribly shy, and he tilted his face a little into the couch, bringing his other hand up into his hair to further obscure his expression. Still, the hand that Rav held remained happily extended, relaxed, open, inviting. Nick loved everything Rav was doing to it, and really didn't want him to stop.
"I mean.... that sounds exciting to me too." Nick said after a moment, another subtle little giggle playing on his breath near the end. He sobered a little in the wake of it, though, growing skeptical that his particular fear was what Rav was fantasizing about. Looking at the real thing was a little underwhelming, Nick estimated--perhaps even disappointing. His hand drooped just a little bit, his whole body feeling a shade more numb as he really looked at it.
"In theory, at least...." With a soft sigh, Nick lowered his free hand and raised his face just enough to catch Rav's eye, his expression still smiling but now considerably sheepish and perhaps a tad worried or even apologetic.
"It's almost more like I'm afraid of like... trapping myself, though?" He shook his head a little with another soft sigh, though he bravely kept his gaze on Rav, at least in between indulgent blinks. "Which doesn't sound very exciting for either of us. It doesn't make much sense."
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
In response, Nick's exhale caught in several places, and his fingers curled in a way that made Rav want to get closer to him. Nick was smiling but shy, pushing his face further into the couch and covering his expression with his other hand. But, if Rav was reading the hand he held correctly--open and relaxed as it was--Nick didn't want him to stop.
"I mean... that sounds exciting to me, too," Nick said, a breathy giggle escaping him. Afterward, though, what Rav could see of Nick's expression fell, and Nick's hand inside Rav's grip went a little limp, sending up sparks of mild alarm through Rav.
"In theory, at least..." Nick added, raising his head to catch Rav's gaze, his eyebrows pulled together in apology. Rav's stomach curdled, and he slowly pulled his fingers almost entirely away from Nick so only their fingertips grazed each other. As much as he wanted to shrink away completely and reassess--maybe allow Nick to check in with himself--Rav was afraid that a full withdraw might cause Rav to shut down inside himself with little hope of coming back out this evening. If they could maintain just a little bit of contact, maybe Rav could stave that off.
"It's almost more like I'm afraid of like... trapping myself, though?" Nick said when Rav didn't respond, shaking his head with a sigh, though he managed to keep his gaze steadily on Rav. "Which doesn't sound very exciting for either of us. It doesn't make much sense."
Rav took a deep breath, uncertain and stomach still roiling with discomfort. His mind couldn't help but attempt to layer that perspective onto what had happened with the girl at the party all those years ago. She had certainly acted like she wanted Rav to... at first, at least. But, the alcohol had trapped her into something she didn't seem fully in agreement with herself about, and when she left...
Rav shook off the memory, not wanting to get stuck there or to give himself any reason to feel less guilty. He had messed up, and that was that.
"I've heard of that happening," Rav said, his fingertips now alternating with Nick's, contact only maintained one or two fingertips at a time, "when people dissociate. It's a human response to social danger and pretty common, as I understand it. But, it's hard to watch from the outside, and the numbness... you're right--it isn't very satisfying to anyone." A ghost of Rav's wolfish grin slid onto his face before he could help himself. "It's much more fun when someone is playfully afraid and reactive." He sobered again quickly, though. "I think I'm better at recognizing the numbness now. It's kind of a terrifying blankness." Rav could feel the tiny ridges of Nick's fingerprint gliding across his own--he felt anything but numb in this moment as a dozen physical sensations, both pleasant and unpleasant, warred for his attention.
"I guess it's just been hard to trust that I will notice, though, even if I know what it looks like now. And so I've just been... holding myself back from... everything. Hence the... therapy. I'm trying to unpack how to trust my own discernment again." Was Rav making this too much about himself? He shook his head, transitioning to another of Nick's fingertips and looking down at them.
"For what it's worth, I've appreciated how you've checked in with yourself so far. It's helping me trust us both."
"I mean... that sounds exciting to me, too," Nick said, a breathy giggle escaping him. Afterward, though, what Rav could see of Nick's expression fell, and Nick's hand inside Rav's grip went a little limp, sending up sparks of mild alarm through Rav.
"In theory, at least..." Nick added, raising his head to catch Rav's gaze, his eyebrows pulled together in apology. Rav's stomach curdled, and he slowly pulled his fingers almost entirely away from Nick so only their fingertips grazed each other. As much as he wanted to shrink away completely and reassess--maybe allow Nick to check in with himself--Rav was afraid that a full withdraw might cause Rav to shut down inside himself with little hope of coming back out this evening. If they could maintain just a little bit of contact, maybe Rav could stave that off.
"It's almost more like I'm afraid of like... trapping myself, though?" Nick said when Rav didn't respond, shaking his head with a sigh, though he managed to keep his gaze steadily on Rav. "Which doesn't sound very exciting for either of us. It doesn't make much sense."
Rav took a deep breath, uncertain and stomach still roiling with discomfort. His mind couldn't help but attempt to layer that perspective onto what had happened with the girl at the party all those years ago. She had certainly acted like she wanted Rav to... at first, at least. But, the alcohol had trapped her into something she didn't seem fully in agreement with herself about, and when she left...
Rav shook off the memory, not wanting to get stuck there or to give himself any reason to feel less guilty. He had messed up, and that was that.
"I've heard of that happening," Rav said, his fingertips now alternating with Nick's, contact only maintained one or two fingertips at a time, "when people dissociate. It's a human response to social danger and pretty common, as I understand it. But, it's hard to watch from the outside, and the numbness... you're right--it isn't very satisfying to anyone." A ghost of Rav's wolfish grin slid onto his face before he could help himself. "It's much more fun when someone is playfully afraid and reactive." He sobered again quickly, though. "I think I'm better at recognizing the numbness now. It's kind of a terrifying blankness." Rav could feel the tiny ridges of Nick's fingerprint gliding across his own--he felt anything but numb in this moment as a dozen physical sensations, both pleasant and unpleasant, warred for his attention.
"I guess it's just been hard to trust that I will notice, though, even if I know what it looks like now. And so I've just been... holding myself back from... everything. Hence the... therapy. I'm trying to unpack how to trust my own discernment again." Was Rav making this too much about himself? He shook his head, transitioning to another of Nick's fingertips and looking down at them.
"For what it's worth, I've appreciated how you've checked in with yourself so far. It's helping me trust us both."
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick felt both sadness and relief when Rav lightened his touch to just fingertips. There was something comforting about feeling responded to, perhaps, but also a greater awareness of what Rav was responding to, and self-consciousness about it. Good thing they were talking about it, anyway.
Rav took a deep breath after Nick's share, and Nick let his gaze drift back to their fingers, just lightly touching at the tips, alternating between just a few at a time. While there was a longing for more contact, there was also a serenity in this lightness, and Nick felt patient, letting Rav think over whatever he needed to in this moment.
"I've heard of that happening," Rav said, "when people dissociate. It's a human response to social danger and pretty common, and I understand it. But, it's hard to watch from the outside, and the numbness..."
Nick's gaze was getting hazy with tears, a heavy knot settling in his throat. Dissociate. Nick supposed his therapist had used that word in their sessions, too, and it had made Nick cry then, too. He didn't understand why he was prone to that, or how to fully avoid it happening. But, he was trying. He wanted to believe it was possible to get better, to not always be in so much danger of getting stuck.
"You're right--it isn't very satisfying to anyone," Rav added. "It's much more fun when someone is playfully afraid and reactive." Nick let out a small, airy laugh at that--surprised and relieved by the comment. It prompted him to wipe his eyes with his free hand, too, and he felt his throat relax, his gaze ready to shift back up to Rav's as the man went on.
"I think I'm better at recognizing the numbness now. It's kind of a terrifying blankness. I guess it's just been hard to trust that I will notice, though, even if I know what it looks like now. And so I've just been... holding myself back from... everything. Hence the... therapy. I'm trying to unpack how to trust my own discernment again."
Nick nodded. Something about the word 'discernment' especially resonated. Rav's gaze shifted back to their fingers, and Nick's gaze followed.
"For what it's worth," Rav finished, "I've appreciated how you've checked in with yourself so far. It's helping me trust us both."
Nick smiled at that. He certainly felt melancholy amidst their conversation, but it was good to hear that, so far, trust was still being positively built. Nick felt that, too, and he was really grateful for it.
A moment of silence passed between them, and Nick watched as his fingertips continued to gently tap and caress against Rav's, offering gratitude and attention to the tiny bumps of their fingerprints and enjoying the subtle, glittery tingles that echoed down his hand from the touch. Eventually, though, his mind felt called to mull over what Rav had said again, and try to figure out where he wanted to go next. As pleasant as this was, it wasn't what he wanted forever. He circled the excitement of playfully afraid and reactive, and puzzled on the confusing juxtaposition of that with the times he'd felt afraid tonight in that numbing way, yearning to offer Rav--and maybe himself--some kind of explanation for the discrepancy.
"I think, maybe... maybe sometimes at least, it happens when I feel afraid--or, any kind of way, really--and also feel like I shouldn't express whatever feeling. Like, I guess... if I'm worried that someone else will feel hurt if they know that I'm feeling afraid, or however, and it doesn't seem like their fault that I'm feeling that way..." Nick's vision started getting blurry again, that knot re-coiling in his throat. He trailed off, swallowing, a sad smile continuing to watch the gentle touches of his and Rav's fingertips. Then, after a moment, he took in a big breath and let it out, relaxing a little as he did.
"I think that's maybe, like... why I didn't trust myself fully in the park bathroom... when..." Nick's eyes flicked quickly up to Rav and then back to their fingers again. "... when you said you wanted to pin me... I would have felt afraid, but also like you wouldn't have done anything that would warrant me feeling that way, and so it would have been hard not to pretend that I wasn't afraid? Or... this seems stupid but," Nick shook his head, smiling a little crookedly, "During the tour, I think I was most afraid of trapping myself in the garage? Like, if you'd wanted to go ahead and start doing contact improv there... I dunno. I didn't feel interested in that right then, but at the same time, kind of felt like I should be, for some reason?"
Reluctantly, Nick withdrew his hand from Rav's, desiring both of his hands to cover and rub at his face a little, letting out a soft groan.
"I'm feeling... embarassed. Like this is a lot to ask you to navigate with me, and maybe I just babbled too much." Nick groaned again, then finally rubbed his hands down his face, sighing as he set them down in his lap, and looked at Rav with a nervous, apologetic, and maybe even slightly pleading expression.
"...How are you feeling?"
Rav took a deep breath after Nick's share, and Nick let his gaze drift back to their fingers, just lightly touching at the tips, alternating between just a few at a time. While there was a longing for more contact, there was also a serenity in this lightness, and Nick felt patient, letting Rav think over whatever he needed to in this moment.
"I've heard of that happening," Rav said, "when people dissociate. It's a human response to social danger and pretty common, and I understand it. But, it's hard to watch from the outside, and the numbness..."
Nick's gaze was getting hazy with tears, a heavy knot settling in his throat. Dissociate. Nick supposed his therapist had used that word in their sessions, too, and it had made Nick cry then, too. He didn't understand why he was prone to that, or how to fully avoid it happening. But, he was trying. He wanted to believe it was possible to get better, to not always be in so much danger of getting stuck.
"You're right--it isn't very satisfying to anyone," Rav added. "It's much more fun when someone is playfully afraid and reactive." Nick let out a small, airy laugh at that--surprised and relieved by the comment. It prompted him to wipe his eyes with his free hand, too, and he felt his throat relax, his gaze ready to shift back up to Rav's as the man went on.
"I think I'm better at recognizing the numbness now. It's kind of a terrifying blankness. I guess it's just been hard to trust that I will notice, though, even if I know what it looks like now. And so I've just been... holding myself back from... everything. Hence the... therapy. I'm trying to unpack how to trust my own discernment again."
Nick nodded. Something about the word 'discernment' especially resonated. Rav's gaze shifted back to their fingers, and Nick's gaze followed.
"For what it's worth," Rav finished, "I've appreciated how you've checked in with yourself so far. It's helping me trust us both."
Nick smiled at that. He certainly felt melancholy amidst their conversation, but it was good to hear that, so far, trust was still being positively built. Nick felt that, too, and he was really grateful for it.
A moment of silence passed between them, and Nick watched as his fingertips continued to gently tap and caress against Rav's, offering gratitude and attention to the tiny bumps of their fingerprints and enjoying the subtle, glittery tingles that echoed down his hand from the touch. Eventually, though, his mind felt called to mull over what Rav had said again, and try to figure out where he wanted to go next. As pleasant as this was, it wasn't what he wanted forever. He circled the excitement of playfully afraid and reactive, and puzzled on the confusing juxtaposition of that with the times he'd felt afraid tonight in that numbing way, yearning to offer Rav--and maybe himself--some kind of explanation for the discrepancy.
"I think, maybe... maybe sometimes at least, it happens when I feel afraid--or, any kind of way, really--and also feel like I shouldn't express whatever feeling. Like, I guess... if I'm worried that someone else will feel hurt if they know that I'm feeling afraid, or however, and it doesn't seem like their fault that I'm feeling that way..." Nick's vision started getting blurry again, that knot re-coiling in his throat. He trailed off, swallowing, a sad smile continuing to watch the gentle touches of his and Rav's fingertips. Then, after a moment, he took in a big breath and let it out, relaxing a little as he did.
"I think that's maybe, like... why I didn't trust myself fully in the park bathroom... when..." Nick's eyes flicked quickly up to Rav and then back to their fingers again. "... when you said you wanted to pin me... I would have felt afraid, but also like you wouldn't have done anything that would warrant me feeling that way, and so it would have been hard not to pretend that I wasn't afraid? Or... this seems stupid but," Nick shook his head, smiling a little crookedly, "During the tour, I think I was most afraid of trapping myself in the garage? Like, if you'd wanted to go ahead and start doing contact improv there... I dunno. I didn't feel interested in that right then, but at the same time, kind of felt like I should be, for some reason?"
Reluctantly, Nick withdrew his hand from Rav's, desiring both of his hands to cover and rub at his face a little, letting out a soft groan.
"I'm feeling... embarassed. Like this is a lot to ask you to navigate with me, and maybe I just babbled too much." Nick groaned again, then finally rubbed his hands down his face, sighing as he set them down in his lap, and looked at Rav with a nervous, apologetic, and maybe even slightly pleading expression.
"...How are you feeling?"
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav called it a win that Nick smiled, although there was still heaviness in the air between them as a silence fell. Focusing on their fingers helped Rav from getting too anxious about how Nick might respond, distracting him until he did.
"I think, maybe... maybe sometimes at least, it happens when I feel afraid--or, any kind of way, really--and also feel like I shouldn't express whatever feeling. Like, I guess... if I'm worried that someone else will feel hurt if they know that I'm feeling afraid, or however, and it doesn't seem like their fault that I'm feeling that way..." Rav looked up at Nick and realized that Nick was near tears, both in the sound of his voice and in the water in his eyes. Rav wanted to hold him, to comfort him and tell him it would be all right, that Rav wanted--no, needed--to know what Nick was feeling if they were going to do this, but Rav refrained, and Nick kept talking after a deep breath.
"I think that's maybe, like... why I didn't trust myself fully in the park bathroom... when... when you said you wanted to pin me... I would have felt afraid, but also like you wouldn't have done anything that would warrant me feeling that way, and so it would have been hard not to pretend that I wasn't afraid? Or... this seems stupid but," Nick paused, shaking his head, "During the tour, I think I was most afraid of trapping myself in the garage? Like, if you'd wanted to go ahead and start doing contact improv there... I dunno. I didn't feel interested in that right then, but at the same time, kind of felt like I should be, for some reason?"
As Rav scrambled in his mind for something to say back, Nick slowly withdrew his fingers from Rav's completely, and Rav experienced a falling sensation, though he managed to stay upright. He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing, trying to stay present. He heard Nick groan, and the impulse to comfort him arose again, but Rav kept his eyes closed.
"I'm feeling... embarrassed. Like this is a lot to ask you to navigate with me, and maybe I just babbled too much." Nick groaned again and then sighed. Rav heard Nick's hands land in his own lap, but still he didn't open his eyes.
"...How are you feeling?" Nick finally asked. Rav raised his eyebrows and pulled his lips to one side, trying to sort through the mess of emotions arising in his belly and his chest.
Finally, he opened his eyes and looked pointedly at Nick, a sudden urge to be straight with the man coming to the forefront through everything else. "Nick," Rav said sternly, "we're allowed to be a mess with each other. I don't know how either of us could ever..." Rav struggled with the word and circled the air with his hand trying to find it, "...date if that weren't true." Rav really, really needed to believe that or there really was no hope for him.
"And," Rav went on, not ready for Nick to respond yet, "I like you. I get all the..." Rav gestured toward his stomach circling there for a moment, "...with you, and it's nice. If there's any chance that we could... work through some of this stuff together, then... I think we should take it, run with it, at least for now.
"And," Rav added, his eyes closing as he brought a hand to his brow, trying to make sure he said everything he wanted to say, "I know that showing your emotions is vulnerable, so I'm not expecting that this will help, but just in case it does..." Rav looked back at Nick, "...I want it all, Nick, and I want the truth of it. If you're afraid of me, gods, please make it obvious. And if you're afraid of yourself... I want that, too."
He looked at Nick maybe a little longer than was necessary, trying to make a point, but finally he looked away, making a circle with his hand.
"Or... you know, we could maybe come up with a hand signal if you're feeling... stuck. Just to give you options. If you want."
"And," Rav said one last time, still not looking at Nick and bringing his hand down to his bottom lip, "it's okay if it's not in the cards, but I just... want to hold you."
"I think, maybe... maybe sometimes at least, it happens when I feel afraid--or, any kind of way, really--and also feel like I shouldn't express whatever feeling. Like, I guess... if I'm worried that someone else will feel hurt if they know that I'm feeling afraid, or however, and it doesn't seem like their fault that I'm feeling that way..." Rav looked up at Nick and realized that Nick was near tears, both in the sound of his voice and in the water in his eyes. Rav wanted to hold him, to comfort him and tell him it would be all right, that Rav wanted--no, needed--to know what Nick was feeling if they were going to do this, but Rav refrained, and Nick kept talking after a deep breath.
"I think that's maybe, like... why I didn't trust myself fully in the park bathroom... when... when you said you wanted to pin me... I would have felt afraid, but also like you wouldn't have done anything that would warrant me feeling that way, and so it would have been hard not to pretend that I wasn't afraid? Or... this seems stupid but," Nick paused, shaking his head, "During the tour, I think I was most afraid of trapping myself in the garage? Like, if you'd wanted to go ahead and start doing contact improv there... I dunno. I didn't feel interested in that right then, but at the same time, kind of felt like I should be, for some reason?"
As Rav scrambled in his mind for something to say back, Nick slowly withdrew his fingers from Rav's completely, and Rav experienced a falling sensation, though he managed to stay upright. He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing, trying to stay present. He heard Nick groan, and the impulse to comfort him arose again, but Rav kept his eyes closed.
"I'm feeling... embarrassed. Like this is a lot to ask you to navigate with me, and maybe I just babbled too much." Nick groaned again and then sighed. Rav heard Nick's hands land in his own lap, but still he didn't open his eyes.
"...How are you feeling?" Nick finally asked. Rav raised his eyebrows and pulled his lips to one side, trying to sort through the mess of emotions arising in his belly and his chest.
Finally, he opened his eyes and looked pointedly at Nick, a sudden urge to be straight with the man coming to the forefront through everything else. "Nick," Rav said sternly, "we're allowed to be a mess with each other. I don't know how either of us could ever..." Rav struggled with the word and circled the air with his hand trying to find it, "...date if that weren't true." Rav really, really needed to believe that or there really was no hope for him.
"And," Rav went on, not ready for Nick to respond yet, "I like you. I get all the..." Rav gestured toward his stomach circling there for a moment, "...with you, and it's nice. If there's any chance that we could... work through some of this stuff together, then... I think we should take it, run with it, at least for now.
"And," Rav added, his eyes closing as he brought a hand to his brow, trying to make sure he said everything he wanted to say, "I know that showing your emotions is vulnerable, so I'm not expecting that this will help, but just in case it does..." Rav looked back at Nick, "...I want it all, Nick, and I want the truth of it. If you're afraid of me, gods, please make it obvious. And if you're afraid of yourself... I want that, too."
He looked at Nick maybe a little longer than was necessary, trying to make a point, but finally he looked away, making a circle with his hand.
"Or... you know, we could maybe come up with a hand signal if you're feeling... stuck. Just to give you options. If you want."
"And," Rav said one last time, still not looking at Nick and bringing his hand down to his bottom lip, "it's okay if it's not in the cards, but I just... want to hold you."
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav's eyes were closed, and he made an expression which Nick took for thinking. Nervousness fluttered in Nick's chest, but he could be patient. He'd said his piece, and he soothed himself by gently running his thumbs over one another in his lap, nibbling lightly on the back of his lip as an outlet for his nerves.
Nick was surprised, then, by the sternness in Rav's expression when he opened his eyes, all at once looking directly at him.
"Nick."
Nick swallowed, impulsively sitting up rather than leaning against the couch's back as he had been.
"We're allowed to be a mess with each other. I don't know how either of us could ever..." Nick watched oddly entranced as Rav's hand circled briefly in the air, "...date if that weren't true. And, I like you. I get all the..." Nick felt a flurry of butterflies circle around in his stomach as he watched Rav's hand circle his own stomach, his words warming Nick's ears. "...with you, and it's nice. If there's any chance that we could... work through some of this stuff together, then... I think we should take it, run with it, at least for now. And," Rav's hand went up to his brow, his eyes closed again in thought now. "I know that showing your emotions is vulnerable, so I'm not expecting that this will help, but just in case it does..." Rav looked back at Nick, "...I want it all, Nick, and I want the truth of it. If you're afraid of me, gods, please make it obvious. And if you're afraid of yourself... I want that, too."
Nick's eyes were watery once again, his throat a little bit wobbly, but there wasn't so much tightness this time. He nodded in tentative understanding, though it all felt a little bit hard to believe. He wanted to try, though.
After a long moment Rav looked away, his hand making another circular gesture in the air.
"Or... you know, we could maybe come up with a hand signal if you're feeling... stuck. Just to give you options. If you want. And, it's okay if it's not in the cards, but I just... want to hold you."
Nick's whole body felt warm, elated at the idea, and he nodded a little more enthusiastically, though he realized quickly that that would not effectively communicate to Rav while the man's gaze was averted.
"I'd really like that," Nick managed to say, though his voice was small and full of trembles. He really might start crying. But he didn't want to let that postpone this thing that he wanted that Rav had just said that he wanted also any longer than they'd both probably been postponing it this whole time, whether they realized it or not. So, tentatively, Nick shifted toward Rav, his movements slow and his expression wide and questioning, looking for some sign that Rav would indeed welcome him coming to lean against the man, or some gesture toward a different direction that they could begin moving in together.
Nick was surprised, then, by the sternness in Rav's expression when he opened his eyes, all at once looking directly at him.
"Nick."
Nick swallowed, impulsively sitting up rather than leaning against the couch's back as he had been.
"We're allowed to be a mess with each other. I don't know how either of us could ever..." Nick watched oddly entranced as Rav's hand circled briefly in the air, "...date if that weren't true. And, I like you. I get all the..." Nick felt a flurry of butterflies circle around in his stomach as he watched Rav's hand circle his own stomach, his words warming Nick's ears. "...with you, and it's nice. If there's any chance that we could... work through some of this stuff together, then... I think we should take it, run with it, at least for now. And," Rav's hand went up to his brow, his eyes closed again in thought now. "I know that showing your emotions is vulnerable, so I'm not expecting that this will help, but just in case it does..." Rav looked back at Nick, "...I want it all, Nick, and I want the truth of it. If you're afraid of me, gods, please make it obvious. And if you're afraid of yourself... I want that, too."
Nick's eyes were watery once again, his throat a little bit wobbly, but there wasn't so much tightness this time. He nodded in tentative understanding, though it all felt a little bit hard to believe. He wanted to try, though.
After a long moment Rav looked away, his hand making another circular gesture in the air.
"Or... you know, we could maybe come up with a hand signal if you're feeling... stuck. Just to give you options. If you want. And, it's okay if it's not in the cards, but I just... want to hold you."
Nick's whole body felt warm, elated at the idea, and he nodded a little more enthusiastically, though he realized quickly that that would not effectively communicate to Rav while the man's gaze was averted.
"I'd really like that," Nick managed to say, though his voice was small and full of trembles. He really might start crying. But he didn't want to let that postpone this thing that he wanted that Rav had just said that he wanted also any longer than they'd both probably been postponing it this whole time, whether they realized it or not. So, tentatively, Nick shifted toward Rav, his movements slow and his expression wide and questioning, looking for some sign that Rav would indeed welcome him coming to lean against the man, or some gesture toward a different direction that they could begin moving in together.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
There was a silence, and Rav thought he felt Nick moving through the couch, but he didn't look up to see what was happening.
After another moment, Nick said, "I'd really like that," but his voice trembled and sounded watery even though it was barely audible. Rav looked at Nick with a frown of concern, eyebrows lowered and pulled together. Nick was already leaning in toward Rav, maybe hoping to lean on Rav sideways or something--Rav wasn't entirely sure how the positioning would work out. Even though Nick was moving slowly, something about the warble in Nick's voice sent shocks of alarm up and down Rav's body.
Without thinking, Rav stood up off the couch, only afterward realizing what he had done. He swallowed as sweat pricked at the back of his neck, the temptation to grab his coat and leave the house strong in his gut as embarrassment and fear about ruining whatever might have happened flared up within him. But, instead, he took a shaky breath.
"Can you... um..." Rav said, staring daggers at the floor and scratching the back of his neck to try to calm himself down. "...check in with yourself first? And maybe we could... just... start with a hug from... here."
Rav tried to keep his breathing even, though his lungs kept lurching in his chest.
After another moment, Nick said, "I'd really like that," but his voice trembled and sounded watery even though it was barely audible. Rav looked at Nick with a frown of concern, eyebrows lowered and pulled together. Nick was already leaning in toward Rav, maybe hoping to lean on Rav sideways or something--Rav wasn't entirely sure how the positioning would work out. Even though Nick was moving slowly, something about the warble in Nick's voice sent shocks of alarm up and down Rav's body.
Without thinking, Rav stood up off the couch, only afterward realizing what he had done. He swallowed as sweat pricked at the back of his neck, the temptation to grab his coat and leave the house strong in his gut as embarrassment and fear about ruining whatever might have happened flared up within him. But, instead, he took a shaky breath.
"Can you... um..." Rav said, staring daggers at the floor and scratching the back of his neck to try to calm himself down. "...check in with yourself first? And maybe we could... just... start with a hug from... here."
Rav tried to keep his breathing even, though his lungs kept lurching in his chest.