Written Wonderland

Nick had really not been prepared for Rav to suddenly stand up off the couch. He swallowed, his whole body stiffening around what felt like a stab to his stomach. He looked at Rav with wide eyes, alert and frozen, his impending tears thoroughly paralyzed in his throat. He had a vision of Rav just up and leaving; of never seeing him again, never knowing what exactly had gone so wrong. But, after a shaky breath, Rav spoke, his eyes downcast toward the floor.

Nick remained still and quiet for a long moment, staring at Rav blankly while he tried to understand the man's words as more than just syllables.

Check in with yourself, managed to come through, but it was like Nick's intention to follow Rav's request bounced right off of something else just beneath the surface of him.

"I'm scared," Nick said, though the terror of having said something he didn't know he'd had any intention to say tore through him in the wake of his words, and he felt a little like he fazed into another dimension, observing this one but somehow separate. Everything felt a little unreal.

Rav had said something about a hug, too, but Nick couldn't move. He breathed slowly, not wanting to do anything while he felt beside himself like this. He supposed it was good that he and Rav were not touching right now, though that thought made him sad. There was a temptation to get pulled into memories--times when he had been touching someone in this state. Tears welled again in Nick's eyes, but he wiped them away quickly, instinctively, shaking his head.

"That I'm going to cry," he said, coming back into himself a little with a shaky breath. He kept his hands over his eyes, embarassment hot behind his cheeks and in his ears. He kept breathing slowly and deeply, keeping just enough relaxation in his throat to hold the pain of the impending teary knot at bay. Too many different memories pelted at his attention--moments of cruelty, pity, overwhelm, condescention, or a million other things. He tried to reach for a time when he'd cried and it had been what he might describe as 'okay'. Watching a movie, maybe? The Giver, on Netflix. He and one of his roommates had watched it on a whim, and both sobbed waterfalls together. It was basically designed to make people cry, they'd concluded. A clean expression, a cleansing of something for the both of them. And then they'd gone about their days, their relationship steadily unchanged, save for whatever added security came from having shared that together and not had things change as a result.

Having found that memory did steady Nick a little, and he let out a longer, deeper breath, finally lowering his hands back down to his lap, though he kept his eyes shut through his next inhale, only opening them once he was exhaling again. He was able to look at Rav more softly, now, his body holding considerably less tension. His tears were farther away, for better or for worse. Maybe both; hard to say. He gained a thoughtful expression as he studied Rav's face, Rav's body language, his curiosity growing to know where Rav was. He considered asking, but he decided to try to check in with himself more deeply, first. Maybe it would be easier to do, now that he'd calmed down.

He closed his eyes again, and thought about what Rav had said about a hug. He liked the idea of a hug, but it wasn't what he wanted, not now. There was something in the way. He found the knot in his throat again then, but didn't dare get closer to it. Instead, he withdrew from it just enough to calmly say,

"I want to hug you, but if I start crying..." He frowned, unsure how to word the end of his sentence. His brows drew together thoughtfully again before finally settling on, "I'd have a lot of insecurity about that... kind of no matter what happened after."

After another breath, Nick tentatively opened his eyes again, once again studying Rav, and this time raising his eyebrows a little in maybe apology, maybe a question; probably both, as he let a silence stand for Rav to form a response.

Rav's breathing was chaotic and shaky as his lungs seized in his chest. With incredible determination, he managed to prevent himself from gasping absurdly and adding yet more awkwardness to the situation. He didn't dare look at Nick.

"I'm scared," Nick said, the waver no longer in his voice. Rav nodded down toward the ground, his eyes going out of focus.

This is the part where you leave and give the poor kid some space, a part of Rav's mind said, but he was rooted to the ground, throat continuing to close in on itself.

"That I'm going to cry." That surprised Rav enough that he looked up at Nick, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Nick's hands were over his eyes, though, as he focused intently on his own breathing. In contrast, Rav's breaths began to even out, the motions of his lungs becoming smoother. A moment later, he realized why. At least Nick wasn't scared of him. Not directly, at least.

Rav had the urge to reassure Nick--crying was the last thing Rav was worried about--but he quickly realized that wasn't true. He still wasn't sure why Nick wanted to cry, and if Rav was the cause, then, yeah, that was a problem. But, if it was just... emotionality? intensity? or, damn, enjoyment? Rav wondered if he would trust it. Would Nick lie to him about why he was crying? No, that... no. It wouldn't make sense. Nick was working on being true to himself, so for him to outright lie... something would have to go drastically wrong. So, why was he so afraid of crying?

Maybe it was just all the social conditioning. Hell, there had certainly been plenty of that to go around. Men weren't "supposed" to cry. But, Rav had put needles in enough grown men to know that they were as much babies as the next person. The thought brought a ghost of a smile to Rav's face. He thought Nick would get a kick out of that.

When Nick met Rav's eyes, though, he sobered, prepared for whatever came next. It was difficult to imagine the two of them salvaging this encounter at this point.

Nick simply closed his eyes again, then, maybe finally taking Rav's advice to check in with himself. Rav should probably do that, too. How was he feeling? He still wanted to run the fuck away, but that wasn't exactly new. His thoughts strayed to whether Nick might want him to leave, but he pulled himself back. What if that didn't matter right now? Rav wasn't hurting anyone by focusing on himself for a moment.

Well? He felt... sad. He felt a sense of loss, like he was already grieving the encounter. This hadn't exactly been a good date. His expression hardened, falling to neutral, impassive. He was prepared to be let down.

"I want to hug you, but if I start crying," Nick said with a frown, not opening his eyes. The thought of a hug now felt absolutely absurd to Rav. What had he been thinking, offering that? "I'd have a lot of insecurity about that... kind of no matter what happened after."

And, there it was. The point of no return. There was nothing they could do that wouldn't cause insecurity. Nail in the coffin, for tonight at least, Rav thought.

But, why? Rav stared down at the ground, mounting anger beginning to pull his eyebrows together as he thought through their conversation. Gods damn, Rav had bared his soul to Nick. What more could he do? But, Rav thought, his expression softening somewhat, so had Nick. Maybe they were just both feeling raw and tender.

Rav chose his words with caution, though he looked pointedly at Nick. "Well, neither of us can stop you from crying. If you're going to be insecure about that no matter what, then..." Rav sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I think we maybe pushed each other too far tonight. In hindsight..." Rav said with another heavy sigh, "maybe we weren't ready for meeting this... privately." And that felt true. Yes, they both felt a draw toward contact improv, but it had still been a leap to meet in one of their living spaces. Then again, another coffee shop? Another group environment? That also sounded like torture. The walk, then. The walk could have been enough. Small steps.

Turning away, cheeks coloring, Rav added, "I meant what I said. I can't make you believe me, but..." Rav looked at Nick, one eyebrow raising momentarily, "if that had anything to do with your urge to cry, then... I'd be honored." He shrugged, breaking eye contact as he picked up his jacket, holding it awkwardly in one hand as he slowly turned to leave.

((OOC: He's pretty intent on leaving at this point, but he's lingering in case Nick wants to respond or try to stop him. If Nick is going to let him go, Rav will probably add something like "I'll... message you later" before he heads upstairs.))

Rav looked down at the ground, looking angry. Nick swallowed, feeling a pulse of that dimension-fazing sensation again. He'd gone and messed this all up, hadn't he? Why had he even felt like crying, anyway? Why couldn't he have just cuddled the man like he wanted to? Of course, not that those thoughts were helping; his throat ached, but his breathing kept stubbornly slow and smooth, determined to stay composed.

At least Rav's expression had softened by the time he returned his eyes to Nick. Nick did his best to collect himself from wherever he'd drifted off to. Maybe this was just another bump like the others they'd run into tonight; maybe Rav would have something reassuring to say; maybe Nick would get to hug him after all. He couldn't help hoping desperately for that.

"Well, neither of us can stop you from crying," Rav said, and Nick's heart sank straight down into his stomach. He really had said the wrong thing, hadn't he? But, what else could he have said? Surely, this hadn't been inevitable between them? Nick didn't want to believe that.

"If you're going to be insecure about that no matter what, then..." Rav sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I think we maybe pushed each other too far tonight. In hindsight..." Rav said with another heavy sigh, "maybe we weren't ready for meeting this... privately."

Nick's throat ached, his chest ached, his stomach roiled in a panic, and his eyes began to wet over again as Rav turned away. But, he looked back, adding, "I meant what I said. I can't make you believe me, but... if that had anything to do with your urge to cry, then... I'd be honored."

Nick's jaw wavered, and he brought his hands up to cover his mouth, teeth biting down on his lower lip. Gods, maybe it would be better to just cry already. Maybe it would have been better if he'd just done that from the start. But, some vigilance still held him strung tight, unwilling to let go of the determination keeping his breathing steady. Still, it felt awful watching Rav pick up his jacket, slowly turning to leave.

"Wait," Nick finally beseeched, his hands leaving his mouth to reach vaguely for Rav, though they quickly lowered to his lap. He had the urge to say 'I'm sorry', but managed not to, sure that was also the wrong thing to say right now. But, what could possibly be right? He sighed, nibbling at the side of his cheek as his gaze cast to the side, trying to think. All he knew right this moment was that he was terrified of Rav leaving like this. Surely it'd mean he'd never see the man again, and that... that thought made him so incredibly, deeply sad.

"Maybe I do need some time alone," he said tentatively, not quite able to meet Rav's eyes again. "And... if you're feeling ready to leave, then... I mean, you should definitely take care of yourself, too. Of course you should. But..." Nick sighed again, closing his eyes for a moment and feeling his heart beat in his chest. "I guess, I've still got a couple hours before I'd be headed to bed. I think I just need like, ten minutes, really, if..." But, was he being greedy? Desperate? Presumptive? Was it wiser to just cut their losses for tonight? Nick brought his hands up to his face, rubbing a little at his forehead before wiping down his cheeks. His fingertips lingered in front of his mouth for a moment, but finally, his eyes managed to return to Rav, timid but hopeful.

"If you'd still like to stick around."

But... if Rav did choose to stay now, would Nick be able to trust that he wanted to? Or was Nick just backing him into a corner about it? Ughhhh. Nick's hands rubbed up to cover his face again in frustration. Why did everything feel like such an impossible double-bind?

"I guess I just..." Nick dropped his hands to his lap again, his breathing a little heavier now as his eyes studied the spot right in front of him on the couch. "I just want that to be an option, whether or not now's the right time to take it." Re-mustering some of that timid hope, Nick lifted his eyes to Rav again. He did feel a little lighter now, at least, his breath re-stabilizing and his throat looser and less aching. Maybe he'd finally found something right to say, whatever else happened next.

Rav had already taken three steps toward the stairs when Nick said, "Wait." Sparks of disbelief travelled chaotically done Rav's spine, coupling confusedly with a knee-jerk urge to disobey. It's a request, not a command, Rav reassured himself. And was he willing to wait? He wasn't sure, but he thought he could hear Nick out, at least.

Slowly, bracing himself, Rav turned back around to look at Nick, who was biting the inside of his cheek and looking off to one side. Nick sighed and said, "Maybe I do need some time alone." Yeah, I am trying to leave, Rav thought, frustrated. But, Nick continued, "And... if you're feeling ready to leave, then... I mean, you should definitely take care of yourself, too. Of course you should. But..." Nick sighed again and closed his eyes. Rav shifted, his fist still clenched around his jacket. "I guess, I've still got a couple hours before I'd be headed to bed. I think I just need, like, ten minutes, really, if..." Nick covered his face, and Rav fought the urge to roll his eyes in frustration. He was sad and somewhat irritated that Nick was afraid of being straight with him. But, if Nick wasn't ready to cry in front of him, then... what were they supposed to do?

Nick massaged his own forehead and drug his hands over his cheeks, fingertips lingering against his lips. Rav couldn't deny that Nick's posture softened his irritation, especially when Nick met his eyes.

"If you'd like to stick around."

Shifting from side to side, Rav's mind supplied a recap of the situation. You threatened to corner him in a park bathroom, mentioned fantasies about trapping him in his own bedroom, and have made him simultaneously want to cry and too afraid to cry in front of you, and he still wants you to stay?

Was Nick a masochist? A martyr? Rav couldn't tell, but he was shocked by this turn of events. It made no sense to him.

Nick continued, his hands having returned to covering his eyes. "I guess I just..." Nick started, his hands dropping defeated back into his lap, "...I just want that to be an option, whether or not now's the right time to take it." Nick then looked up at Rav, and Rav checked in with his own facial expression, now more aware of being observed. His brows had fallen into a deep, angry furrow, and his mouth frowned to match. He tried to soften his expression, but he wasn't sure he succeeded.

He stared down at the ground near the coffee table, his words threatening to get lodged in his throat.

I need to get out of here, he thought.

"Tell you what," Rav said, still avoiding looking at Nick, "I'll go outside for ten minutes, and if you still want me to come back in after that, text me, and we can make decision at that point." It was the best he could offer, and the likelihood of ten minutes changing anything felt near to zero. He could delay ten minutes--that would be ten minutes he would spend in his head about the situation at home anyway.

With that, Rav walked up the stairs, grabbed his backpack, and went out the door, grateful that he didn't run into any of Nick's roommates on the way.

Outside, where it was cold, Rav threw on his jacket and breathed a heavy sigh out into the night air. That was a fucking shitshow, Rav thought, walking down the porch steps toward his car. He put his backpack in the trunk just to have something to do and looked around. There was the fenced school where Rav had mentioned the baseball story. Gods, he'd been so stupid. What was he thinking? He should just keep his mouth shut going forward.

Because it was cold and standing around felt awkward, Rav decided to walk around the block with his head down, trying not to catch anyone's attention. He felt exposed wearing sweatpants, but there was nothing to be done about that now.

To clock the time, he checked his phone and calculated what ten minutes would be from then. If Nick didn't message, Rav could just drive off and that would be that.

He thought about texting Hannah, but he didn't even know what he would say to her. "I royally fucked up?" No, that could come later once Rav had calmed down and assessed the damage.

He was grateful he didn't have any cigarettes on him and didn't see any gas stations in sight. He might have slipped back into the habit on a night like this.

It still really bothered him that he didn't even know why Nick had wanted to cry. Maybe there hadn't even been a reason. Maybe Nick was just prone to tears. Rav didn't have a problem with that, but that didn't seem to matter to Nick. Would Rav need to leave every time Nick got emotional? That sounded exhausting. He let out another big sigh.

And, setting aside what Nick wanted, did Rav still want to be here? There was a twisting discomfort in his stomach at the thought. On some level, Rav felt like everyone, even people who had done terrible things, deserved some amount of love and care and stability. Rav wasn't sure he or Nick could really offer each other any of those things. Maybe care. Maybe. But, it seemed just as likely that the two of them still had too much work to do on themselves before they could really whole-heartedly attempt this. Rav had thought he was ready, but...

Then again, how was he supposed to know what felt right and what didn't if he didn't experiment?

Anyone with a half a brain could have told you that an ex-rapist shouldn't talk about pinning people down, idiot, his mind oh-so-helpfully supplied. Rav brought a hand to his head, trying to shake free of the voices there.

Rav took a deep breath. Could he just lay out the hard facts?

He and Nick had done contact improv. That had gotten a little steamy, but it had been good, Rav thought. Then they went for a walk in the park together. Good. Then they went into the park bathroom. Major mistake. What had gone wrong there? Rav hadn't believed it would happen. He went through with it because he was sure the lock or Nick would stop it at some point. But, then, when it had been right there... he hadn't been prepared to think rationally about it. He had to genuinely think about all the possibilities before he acted, not just the ones he thought most likely. Otherwise, he was going to get swept up in choosing something he thought was off the table.

Okay, but, back to the facts. They came back, decided to go inside the house--probably another mistake--and Nick gave a tour. Nick was afraid of getting trapped. Maybe Nick never stopped being afraid of being trapped, and they kept trying to ease out of it but just... couldn't. Maybe Nick was trapped in whatever imagination Rav had no control over. Nick was afraid of trapping himself and still had trapped himself. Well, that was kind of fucked. What was Rav supposed to do with that?

But, Rav could relate to getting trapped in his head. In fact, it happened a lot. At least Nick was trying to articulate it.

Shifting tactics as he turned a corner, Rav wondered how it might play out if Nick asked him to come back. Their walls would probably still be up. Rav would probably be afraid of Nick crying now because he might need to leave again. Gods, what a mess.

There was no way in hell that Nick was going to invite him back, right? Maybe, but he still needed to think about the possibility, however unlikely, or this would all happen again.

So, if Nick asked him back and he didn't go back... then what? They schedule another date, try again having slept on the situation? Ugh, that sounded awful. It felt like starting over. Or worse than starting over, starting from negative numbers. They'd already mucked things up.

What did Rav even want?

He just wanted Nick to fucking cry in fucking front of him. And to fucking hold Nick while he did. Was that too gods-damned much to ask?

Rav shoved his arm up against his mouth and muffled a yell of frustration, and he was surprised that tears sprang to his own eyes. He sat down on a rock outside a house and stared at the cement in the sidewalk, letting the tears flow quietly down his cheeks.

It had hurt that the girl from the party hadn't been able to be honest with him, that he couldn't comfort her or make amends. He didn't even really know where she was now or if she was okay. He didn't know if she never thought of him again or if she spent every day wishing that night hadn't happened. And now Rav was afraid of the same thing happening with Nick, that Nick would be too afraid to tell Rav what was wrong, that Nick would just tell him to leave forever without saying why.

He could just pre-empt it and get ahead of the hurt, leave anyway before Nick made a decision. He certainly had that right. Take care of yourself, Nick had said. But leaving wasn't taking care of himself--it was hurting himself so he wouldn't have to get hurt by others. It wasn't better.

Rav checked his phone. It had only been six minutes. He groaned, wiping his eyes and deciding to continue his walk.

What if he asked Nick if there was anything he could do to help Nick feel safer while he cried? Maybe that would work. And, if there wasn't anything, then, yeah, he should probably leave. He hated the idea of Nick trying to repress his emotions around Rav--the thought made him sick to his stomach. But, if Nick could help them come to some compromise, then maybe... maybe it could work? Would Rav regret having gone in again? Did he not tell Nick he thought it had been too hasty to be in private together?

He sighed and realized that he probably wouldn't be able to make a decision until Nick texted him. Maybe Nick would say something that would help. Rav returned to Nick's house with two minutes to spare, and he decided to get into his car, putting the keys in the ignition as he waited for Nick to message.

Rav still looked angry, and anxiety roiled in Nick's stomach, but, the man had paused his exit to hear Nick out, and he seemed to be contemplating, his eyes not quite meeting Nick's. Not angry at Nick, then, or at least, Nick tried to hold onto that hope. It was a frustrating situation, was all.

"Tell you what," Rav said, and impulsively, Nick sat up a little straighter at attention. "I'll go outside for ten minutes, and if you still want me to come back in after that, text me, and we can make decision at that point."

Nick nodded, eyes wide with gratitude and relief, though he wasn't sure that Rav saw--in a blink, the man turned to walk up the stairs, and Nick listened breathlessly as his stride faintly made its way across the livingroom above him and out the front door.

Nick's ears rang a little, his heart beating in his throat. He was alone. There was some relief in that, to be sure, but an emptiness, also. The situation had a surreal quality to it, which found Nick staring idly for a long moment at the corner of the dryer visible from where he still sat on the couch.

But, right. He had 10 minutes to figure out what in the hell he needed. Panic gripped briefly at his chest--what if he'd given himself far too little time? Well, then Rav would go home, as he'd been prepared to do anyway, and honestly, that needed to be okay. Nick breathed deeply and heavily, one hand coming up to rub at his chest to try to soothe the anxiety there. Then, gathering his wits a little, he fumbled his phone out of his jacket pocket and set a timer for 7 minutes. That should give him enough time to get Rav a text, one way or another. He exhaled a deep sigh of relief once the timer was set, and relaxed back against the couch.

Seven minutes, completely alone. The temptation arose to worry about Rav, but he reassured himself that Rav had decided for himself that going outside was the best way for him to spend this time, and that he'd be most free to take care of himself there. He was not Nick's responsibility, and in fact, the best favor Nick could do for the man right now was to figure out what the heck was going on with himself.

Nick closed his eyes and set both hands over his chest, trying to pull himself into his own present moment. Here on the futon in the basement, with anxious buzzing in his chest and all sorts of discomfort in his belly and the pain of that knot in his throat pulsing, soft and steady. He wondered if he should journal, but it felt like that would take too much time. That seemed like a thing for once he and Rav had officially parted ways. For now, he wanted to focus on immediacy. He'd felt the impulse to cry, but felt scared to cry in front of Rav. Why?

Nick moved his hands to hug his upper arms, rubbing up and down a little. He thought of Rav hugging him in the park bathroom, and wanted to transport himself back to that moment. Hadn't he cried then, come to think of it? Maybe just a little. It hadn't been this big, terrifying knot threatening to break loose; just a few tears. He really, really wanted at least one more hug before Rav left, if that was possible. But... only if Rav wanted it, too. Nick had been able to trust that in the bathroom. Why could he not trust it here in his basement?

With a deep breath, Nick tried to remember the conversation down here. What had even made him feel like crying in the first place? He'd shown Rav around--and admittedly, still felt some squirmy embarrassment about the garage-y-ness of it all. The upstairs was nice enough, but too public. He pulled his feet up onto the couch, finding some comfort in curling up a bit. He wished he had a more comfortable place to cuddle with Rav. Not that this couch was physically uncomfortable, but...

Mustering the resolve to follow a whim, Nick drew a shower curtain out across the Ikea wire that cordoned off the couch area from the rest of the basement. He didn't often draw it, but he also didn't often actually spend time in this little nook. Normally, it was drawn for guests who were crashing on the futon to give them privacy from Nick, and Nick hadn’t really thought to draw it for himself--after all, when he was the only one here, who did he need privacy from? The garage-y-ness, apparently.

The curtain let some light through, but it did feel dark now. Actually, it had felt kind of dark in this little alcove from the very beginning. Maybe another one of the problems. Luckily, he and his roommates had already installed a fix for that, which again, Nick just didn’t really think to avail himself of: he turned on a standing lamp in the corner on the far side of the futon, and a run of string lights that looped around the shelves below the TV.

Letting out a sigh, Nick settled back down onto the futon, this time gathering his knees all the way up against his chest as he checked in with how the space felt, now. It was still pretty makeshift--still with a concrete floor, painted cinderblock walls, with big clunky shelves holding storage boxes. But, the shower curtain was an aesthetically pleasing black-and-grey layered underwater scene with fish and seaweed and octopi and bubbles, letting in dappled light from the garage's light bulbs Nick had turned on during the tour. Following another whim, Nick got up to turn them off before returning to settle in again. Now, the only light was the warm emanance of the lamp and string lights, and the concrete and storage boxes faded into a dim ambiance, no longer so cold and harsh and clunky. Nick breathed a sigh of relief, and reached forward to check his phone timer.

Two minutes left until it would go off, and still time to formulate his text to Rav after.

Nick exhaled heavily again, closing his eyes and relaxing back against the couch with his hands flopping to either side, palms open to the warm, dim ambiance and the cool air it permeated. The thought crossed his mind to fetch a blanket, also, but maybe that was overkill. The slight chill was actually nice. And, he reassured himself, he could empower himself to go get a blanket later, if he found that he wanted to. It wasn’t an immediate desire.

So, what else, then? Had it just been the space? Could that really have made him want to cry so badly?

Nick refocused again on the conversation. They’d sat down here on the futon, and Nick had acknowledged that he’d maybe rushed through the tour. He opened his eyes softly, appreciating the dim glowy ambiance of the lighting and the sort of sparkly nature of the string lights, and felt immense relief that the squirmy embarrassed feeling was gone, and Nick felt like he’d finally arrived at what he hadn’t even realized he’d been rushing toward. Thank goodness.

But, as he checked in further with his body, then, he found that his throat was still tight. He reached a hand up to rub lightly under his jaw, his breathing growing a little quicker and shallower as he did. Why had he wanted to cry? Why was this knot here?

They’d talked about Nick feeling trapped, or, afraid of trapping himself. About dissociation. About Nick feeling afraid to express himself. Rav had said that he wanted Nick’s emotions. And yet, Nick still couldn’t believe him. Why?

A soft sob finally bubbled up from Nick’s throat, and he closed his eyes, covering his face with his hands.

Then, his phone timer went off.

Nick gathered his knees against his chest again and allowed the timer to buzz on the futon next to him for a few moments, his sobs ramping up in a panic. He still didn’t know why he was crying, and he was running out of time to figure it out. But after he got a few good, deep sobs out from his throat-knot, he was able to soothe himself a little with the thought that maybe he didn’t have to know why.

Nick began to collect himself, sniffing and wiping his eyes as he finally reached for his phone to turn the timer off. About 45 seconds over. Nick’s heart thumped rather intensely in his chest, but it was surprisingly pleasant. An intense aliveness that warmed him as he pulled up his text chat with Rav.

He froze briefly on the screen, though, his mind tripping over itself to try to formulate an explanation, but after a moment he shook himself out of it, sniffing and wiping his eyes again as he tried to focus instead on what he wanted.

“I would love for you to come back inside.”

Nick typed out, but didn’t send yet. It didn’t feel like enough. It was just, he could imagine not trusting that, in Rav’s shoes. That was why he wanted to offer an explanation, but surely there was another path through. What else did Nick want to share? That he wouldn’t just spend the next solid minute stressing over in his own brain to come up with? Nick took a deep breath, and beseeched himself to just type.

“I don’t know why I wanted to cry, but I think I know why I was *afraid of* crying. I’d love to tell you about it, if you’re okay with me maybe crying while I do. If not, and you need to go home, I’d love to at least come give you a hug goodbye, if you’d like that.”

Nick allowed himself one quick re-read, and then hastily hit the send button before any other hang-ups got in his way.

((OOC: I belieeeeeeeve that puts the text at about 9 minutes 30 seconds after Nick set his timer lol.... which I thiiiiink was about 1 minute after Rav closed the front door of the house, which seems like it miiiiight have also been around when Rav clocked the time, too? (I uhhhhh may have been using stop watches on my phone trying to estimate all this lmao) So, I thiiiink it's plausible that Nick legitimately got that in with about 30 seconds to spare lol))

Rav sat for a few moments, hands on the steering wheel, staring blankly ahead. He really didn't know what he was doing here. He liked Nick, he did, but were they just going to keep triggering each other like this? Then again, who else would give Rav the benefit of the doubt after what he confessed?

He closed his eyes and took deep breaths, trying to think about what Hannah would tell him. Telling someone about what he had done was good practice. Even if things didn't work out with Nick, Rav had been able to be honest and unattached to the outcome. That it had gotten this far was a pleasant surprise. Maybe Rav could just be grateful for that.

Rav laid his seat down and put his phone on his chest so he would feel it if it vibrated. He wasn't going to hold Nick to ten minutes sharp, but he wasn't going to dawdle either. Just as soon as Rav had gotten comfortable, his phone buzzed. He took a deep breath and looked at the first line of the notification.

I would love for you to come back inside. I don't know...

Rav's heart thumped heavily in his chest as he unlocked his phone and looked at the full message.

...I don't know why I wanted to cry, but I think I know why I was afraid of crying. I'd love to tell you about it, if you're okay with me maybe crying while I do. If not, and you need to go home, I'd love to at least come give you hug goodbye, if you'd like that.

Rav ran his finger over the message, confused. Love... love... love. Yeah, but people just said that.

Still, the message held no scolding, no anger, no pushing him away. Nick was inviting him back in and still giving him multiple outs if he needed them. Rav blinked down at the phone. Maybe Nick did have some kind of condition. Rav couldn't help believing that most people, knowing what Rav did, would sooner squish him and his emotions like a bug than offer any amount of kindness. What did it mean that Nick wasn't accosting him or blaming him for what happened?

Well, you don't know that yet. He hasn't told you why he was afraid, Rav thought. Sighing, he figured he should face the music about that, then. It was the brave thing to do.

He texted Nick back.

Will you come meet me at the door? He didn't want to just walk into the house and potentially startle whatever roommates could have come home in the meantime. It would feel better if Nick physically invited him back in. And, if Nick's body language was such that Rav didn't believe Nick was capable of continuing to check in with himself, then he could say goodbye to Nick there and leave instead.

Nick felt utterly frozen in the moment after he clicked send, the sensation of fazing into another dimension striking him powerfully all at once. He stared at the message on the phone in near-disbelief: did he really just send that? Yes, yes he did. Was it the right thing to send? He couldn't see any fault with it, and yet was utterly besieged by a sensation of fearful cringe, like surely he had said something stupid, even if he didn't understand right in this moment what it was.

The sensation abated when Rav replied, stealing Nick's breath in a completely different way. His mind ceased analyzing his own message then, and wiped itself blank to read this new text to take in.

Will you come meet me at the door?

Nick's initial response was a powerful wave of elation, and he started to type out, Yes! but he immediately deleted it before the impulse to hit 'send' won out. He breathed out slowly, remembering times he'd hastily said yes to Rav this evening and Rav had prompted him to check in with himself and answer again. Nick smiled crookedly and closed his eyes, feeling a warm gratitude for the ways Rav had paid attention to that and wanted to keep Nick accountable, though there was also a twinge of embarrassment that Nick had put Rav in positions of feeling responsible for that. At least this time, Nick had caught it himself.

He started to type out a message that he was checking in with himself, eager to give Rav an update, but then he deleted it, and breathed out slowly again, once more closing his eyes. He didn't owe Rav an immediate response, and Rav would surely appreciate that he was checking in with himself, even if he was nervous in the interim.

So, setting down his urgency toward Rav for the moment: Did he feel good about meeting Rav at the door?

He realized, looking at it less impulsively now, that that didn't necessarily mean Rav would come back inside; he could be asking Nick to come to the door to give him a hug goodbye, instead. But, in that case, Rav was still granting Nick's request, and that felt good, if just a little bit sad. Nick nodded to himself; that would be okay. It would be more than okay.

And then, if Rav would come inside... Nick realized there was something he was nervous about, there. Something about the urgency toward leading Rav back downstairs, and some sense of riskiness if he rushed through that. But, he didn't have to rush. In fact, he didn't have to get them back downstairs at all, if that wasn't ultimately the thing. Granted, staying upstairs meant risking Nick's roommates coming home mid-teary conversation, but that wouldn't actually be the end of the world, Nick decided. So, with another exhale, Nick let go of attachment to getting Rav back downstairs, and a small knot that had formed in his chest released as he did so. That seemed good.

Yeah. I took a moment to check in Nick deleted that, and started again.

Yeah, sounds good. See you soon.

His thumb hovered for a second over the send button, and ultimately tapped down. He felt that dimension-fazing jolt again as soon as he did, but came back into himself quickly, pushing himself to his feet and wiggling a little to let out some nervous energy. Then, with a big exhale, he put his jacket back on, slipped his phone into his pocket, and opened the curtain just enough to make a little doorway, letting the lamp light out into the space at the base of the stairs. He felt his nervousness rise as he ascended the stairs, his heartbeat picking up with anxiety, but he breathed through it, resisting the urge to pick up his pace.

Slowwwwwwwww.

Nick paused at the top of the stairs, putting his hands on his chest as he took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. Then, he shook out his hands, and turned the corner to walk through the dining room and living room, pausing again at the front door. He bounced on his feet a couple times, shaking his hands a little bit more at his sides as he contemplated whether he should wait for Rav to knock or ring the bell. What if he'd already missed that, though? Only then did it occur to him that there was a little peep hole he could look through; this might honestly be the first time he had ever used it. If Rav was there and didn't look like he was only just arriving, Nick would go ahead and open the door; otherwise, he'd wait, bouncing on his feet and shaking out his hands as needed while he anticipated Rav's arrival.

Rav waited, staring at his phone. Nick started typing, deleted it. A long pause, then typing again. Deleted.

Finally, Rav put his phone down, knowing the vibration would come when it came. He tried to stay in the present moment and not just get sucked into phones mitigating the interaction. He took deep breaths and pulled the keys out of the ignition. It seemed like, at least for a few more moments, he would be staying.

His phone vibrated. Yeah, sounds good. See you soon.

Rav's stomach flipped. Was Nick disappointed that Rav didn't want to come back downstairs yet? If so, that needed to be okay. They could take this one step at a time, if they were still going to do this at all. Shaking his head, Rav opened the car door and began walking up the steps. With hands in his pockets, he waited, body turned such that he was facing neither the street nor the door, his expression a cold mask.

He waited a few more moments before Nick opened the door. Rav turned to look at Nick, his stoicism melting to a soft sadness as he took in the sight of Nick: nervous, fluttery hands; hopeful eyebrows, tight lips, flushed cheeks. No sign of tears quite yet. Rav nodded. He thought he would be able to stay.

He looked down at the base of the door for a moment, trying to think of the right words to say.

Meeting Nick's eyes, he said, "I'm open to hearing where you're at. And, waterworks are welcome," nodding his resolve.

At first glance, Rav looked cold and stiff, his body angled toward the side. But, he turned to face Nick once Nick opened the door, and his expression softened a little before giving a nod. Nick smiled hopefully, but then Rav looked down at the threshold between them, and Nick swallowed, holding a thumping anticipation in his chest. After another beat, Rav returned his gaze to Nick's, and Nick felt the impulse to straighten his spine, just a little.

"I'm open to hearing where you're at. And, waterworks are welcome," Rav said, nodding with resolve.

Nick exhaled, his smile widening as he nodded himself. He remained glued to the spot for half a moment, though, realizing he was caught between trying to come up with the words to tell Rav right then and there, or stepping back and inviting Rav inside. Once he spotted the internal tension, he let go of finding the words just then--he didn't want to dive into things while standing there holding the door open. He wanted them to both get comfortable, first.

So, tentatively, Nick did take a step back, opening the door wide and making space for Rav to easily step past him, making a small gesture with his free hand toward the open space beside him. He felt an impulse in his throat to say something, but a conflicting friction to it at the same time. He let the impulse go with a subtle raise of his eyebrows, offering Rav a hopeful invitation with his expression in lieu of finding specific words right that moment.

Nick smiled as he nodded, though he didn't move out of the way. Rav raised his eyebrows and turned his head slightly. Should Rav have made it clear that he was prepared to come in? Shrugging one shoulder, Rav thought that, if Nick wanted to talk here with the door open, that was probably fine, too. Awkward place to cry, though.

Eventually, Nick did take a step back, opening the door wider to make room for Rav and gesturing inside. Rav nodded and took the cue, crossing the threshold again into Nick's house. In a lot of ways, it felt similar to when Rav had gone in the first time when he had arrived earlier in the day. He felt awkward, tentative, unsure of the space.

First things first, he started taking his combat boots off again, unlacing them steadily as Nick closed the door. It gave Rav something to do while he got his bearings in this new situation. There was a silence in the air that Rav felt compelled to fill, but he fought off the impulse. Surely, it was Nick's turn to talk--Rav just needed to give him the space to let it happen.

((OOC: He's very lead-able right now, so once he finishes with his shoes, he'll go with Nick wherever.))