Written Wonderland

Monica had maybe never looked as beautiful to Jaz as in the moment when she smiled warmly and gently pressed her hand back into Jaz's. Jaz did her best to ease into the connection, imagining dipping her toes into a stream before slowly immersing herself. Without thinking, Jaz placed her other hand on top of Monica's, cradling her hand.

Finally, Jaz felt Monica's gentle interest about Jaz's experience in the garden, followed by a quietly contained reassurance that Monica had plenty of her own memories to offer. Of course, Jaz thought to herself. This connection did go both ways, after all.

Jaz closed her eyes, her smile wide and showing teeth, near to laughing. Jaz recalled the wonder of looking at the rosebushes and feeling the softness of their petals, the honor of one petal easily pulling loose into her hand. She remembered sitting on the ground to quietly arrange the petals and recalled Sage's gratitude that Jaz was making herself at home there. Then, Jaz couldn't help but recall the sweetness of the hug that she had shared with Sage.

Once Jaz had allowed that wash of memories to flow out of her, she left space for anything Monica wanted to share, sinking in as deeply as possible to their reestablished connection, squeezing Monica's hand in the process.

Jaz placed her other hand over Monica's, and Monica sank happily back into their connection, refreshed and glad to be finding their footing together again. Jaz glittered with pleased amusement as she turned her attention toward her memories in the garden; the beautiful colors and softness of the roses; how Jaz had arranged fallen petals in a design on the ground; the ways that Sage had welcomed Jaz with a hug.

Monica let her mind all but tumble into one of her own memories, though she was fairly certain she had waited for a sense of completion from Jaz before she did so. Monica was a young teenager, recently arrived in Ti'la on her own coming of age journey. Sage was showing her around, and Monica marveled at the beauty of the garden, the simple abundance of it. She had seen more ostentatious gardens, and larger farms, but there was a unique joy in this garden, crystallized in a moment when Sage invited Monica to harvest something as a snack. Monica picked a lemon cucumber, and with it, nourished the budding notion in her heart that she just might make this place her home.

Monica worried a little how that memory might impact Jaz, though, inhindsight. Monica's pilgrimage was rather different from the one Jaz was one now--she knew exactly how to get home should she want to; could exchange letters with special people from her past. She shifted her attention toward Jaz, eager to check in.

Jaz watched as Monica showed a memory, one of being young--teenage, maybe--and having only just arrived in Ti'la. Sage was younger then, her face less lined but more resoluteness. Monica's elation about the garden was immense even though Jaz picked up--at the edge of Monica's memory--memories of other places and other gardens more extravagant than these. Those larger gardens intrigued Jaz. Would she get to see them someday? Were they far from here?

Monica, too, harvested a lemon cucumber, and Jaz beamed inwardly with the sensation that she and Monica really did have experiences in common.

Jaz massaged Monica's hand gently, a subconscious urgency budding in Jaz's chest. Jaz felt Monica check in, seeking her response, a reaction, and Jaz tried to exude gratitude and excitement but faltered slightly. It was clear that Monica still had connections back in those other places, and ways to correspond with them. Jaz had... well... none of that.

But she reminded herself again of Monica's generosity, of Ren's generosity, and she smiled through the sensations in her chest, squeezing Monica's hand tighter.

With her inner awareness, Jaz nudged at Monica slightly, hoping to pull up a memory of a time when Monica felt like she belonged or maybe experienced a moment of intimacy with someone else.

There was a lull, and Jaz recognized hesitance from Monica. Jaz leaned back a little, away from Monica, but she kept holding the priestess' hand.

Jaz opened her eyes, curious. She pulled her awareness away from Monica to a degree to offer some breathing room.

It seemed they had repaired and worked through at least some of the scare that Jaz had given Monica, but they did not have fully intact trust with each other just yet. Jaz sighed, missing how ubiquitous that had been in her village. Now...

"I just need to give it some time," Jaz said as much to herself as to Monica. "I only just arrived," she added, shrugging, tears heavy in her eyes.

Squeezing Monica's hand, she said, "I think I need to go find Ren, but I intend to come back to town soon."

((OOC: Jaz is leaving a beat in case Monica wants to object, but otherwise I can continue with a post where she goes to find Ren. Lmk.))

There was indeed something in Jaz - a knot in her chest, perhaps. Though this was a more vivid sensation than Monica had experienced, it was familiar - similar, at least, to a knot that Ren often held in his own chest. Where Ren retreated, though, it seemed that Jaz was more apt to distract. She exuded gratitude, smiling and squeezing Monica's hand, and sending curiosity back toward Monica.

Flickers passed through Monica's mind of interactions with Sage, Sonya, Ren, and Belledor, among perhaps others who seemed farther away in the moment. She couldn't quite grab hold of any particular memory to share, though, at least not before Jaz pulled back a little, her hand still holding Monica's but her attention more outward, drawing Monica's out along with her.

"I just need to give it some time," Jaz said, "I only just arrived." Tears welled in Jaz' eyes, and Monica longed to comfort her, but it seemed the moment was passing. Jaz squeezed her hand, and said, "I think I need to go find Ren, but I intend to come back to town soon."

Monica felt sad, but it was time to trust that she had done what she could for Jaz in this moment. She was glad to hear at least that Jaz intended to come back, and she smiled, placing her other hand over Jaz's and offering a warm squeeze before withdrawing.

"He will take care of you tonight," Monica said with a serene confidence. She wanted Jaz to look forward to rest, even if there was still grief and uncertainty to sort through. "I look forward to when you return."

"He will take care of you tonight," Monica said with sincerity. "I look forward to when you return." Monica's eyebrows pulled up in the center, and she looked a little... sad.

Perhaps Jaz had pulled away preemptively. But, maybe it was time that Jaz processed all the new stimulus she was getting. She found herself near to craving solitude--a rare, almost non-existent desire--and she supposed she should heed it whether Monica was interested in more with her or not.

Overall, Jaz appreciated the reassurance about Ren. She nodded to Monica, trusting the truth of her words. Ren had gone to great lengths to help her get everything she needed.

At that, Jaz took her leave, pausing a moment at the furred curtains. She reached gently for them, pulling them apart. Upon touching them, she found that, in death, the animals had been cared for with great tenderness, with blessings and gratitude upon their deaths. Jaz turned to Monica with a tender smile.

"See you soon." And then Jaz left.

She decided to not to pick up their belongings immediately--she didn't think she could carry her bag, Ren's bag, and the tent. They would need to come back for it.

And, all of a sudden, she needed some fresh air. Looking down at her hand, only a small amount of blue remained from where Monica touched her. Jaz shook her hands, trying to hurry the process. She even bounced from foot to foot a little, shaking out the nervous energy. Finally, she took a deep breath and walked out of the apothecary, her shoulder bag still slung over her shoulder.

Jaz looked around for Ren a little anxiously, walking toward the food while she did so. She was, unsurprisingly, hungry now. The food on the table all looked... complicated. Jaz didn't know what any of it really was. Finally, she dug out the lemon cucumber Ren had picked for her and took a large bite out of it instead. Still, her eyes passed over the room, looking for Ren.

Ren settled easily enough into conversation once he'd given Monica a quick debrief and grabbed some food. He mostly let other people talk - he was good at asking a question here or there, inviting those around him to paint the soundscape while Ren watched their expressions and gestures. He did like people-watching, and the temple was an exceptionally comfortable place to do it in. Ren didn't exactly consider himself close with everyone there, but the space, at least, brought out the best in people. After all, the goddesses were right there with them.

That didn't save him entirely from questions about his new friend, though. He refined a very simple narrative as he answered inquiries with what was both true and relevant: Jaz was a traveler far from home. Much like Ren had been--it felt good to offer that connection, perhaps as some kind of explanation about precisely why he'd taken her under his wing. He offered little else, though, shielding the rest of the topic under his reputation for valuing privacy.

At long last, Ren caught sight of Jaz over by the food table, alone. She looked a little lost, and it made an emptiness sink in his chest. He pardoned himself from his present conversation and made his way over to her, his chest all the more uncomfortable when she met his eyes, anxiety plain. Had her time with Monica gone poorly? Why hadn't the priestess come out alongside Jaz, come to think of it?

Monica did come out of the apothecary after just a moment, right around when Ren stepped up by Jaz's side. The priestess offered him a sad, gentle smile, which wasn't as reassuring as she might have thought. Shit, something hadn't gone right. Ren settled his gaze on Jaz, resisting the urge to set his hands on her shoulders. Instead he kept his arms sternly at his side, his brow furrowed and his lips set in a straight line.

"Are you all right?"

Ren was standing in front of her before she could even fully get a look at everyone in the room, and at the sight of him, Jaz's tight muscles relaxed to a large degree. She wiped her mouth a little with her sleeve, suddenly self-conscious, still holding the cucumber. It was good and tasted light, airy even, almost like the wafers the elders had given her, but she couldn't take more than one bite of it just now.

"Are you all right?" Ren asked, and Jaz realized he must have intuited something about what had happened with Monica. Impressive that he hadn't even had to touch her to do that. His brow was furrowed, and Jaz had a strong desire to try to massage it out, but she refrained.

"I don't know how to answer that question," Jaz answered honestly, looking away from Ren and using frustration to hide her other emotions. "I'm about the same. I told Monica we can try again another time. It was good. It was nice. And then..." Jaz shook her head, still not fully sure what had gone awry.

Finally, looking at Ren with a softened expression, she was about to say more, but then she shook her head. This really wasn't the place.

"Can we... go? Please?" Jaz almost reached for Ren. She wanted him to hold her in his arms. She wanted him to comfort her, and the self-restraint required to stop herself from embracing him brought tears to her eyes. She needed out of here. The lights, the sounds, the smells--everything was suddenly too much.

"I don't know how to answer that question," Jaz answered, looking away, her gaze narrowed in frustration. Ren frowned. "I'm about the same," she continued, "I told Monica we can try again another time. It was good. It was nice. And then..."

Jaz shook her head and brought her gaze back to Ren, eyes softening. Then, she shook her head again, perhaps deciding that she didn't want to say whatever she'd been about to. Ren respected that, and waited patiently for her to speak.

"Can we... go? Please?"

Ren nodded, his expression soft and a little bit sad, but very understanding.

"Of course."

Ren set his bowl down on the table. Usually he'd pick up after himself a little more thoroughly, but their hosts would certainly understand; he didn't want to make Jaz endure anything else she didn't have to, no matter how brief. Then, he stepped toward the apothecary, nodding gently in that direction to invite Jaz to follow. Just had to grab their things, and then they could be on their way.

((OOC: I can also continue if Jaz would indeed follow but figured I'd give her a reaction opportunity.))

Ren nodded, though his eyes looked like they were longing for something. Jaz didn't quite understand what.

"Of course." She was grateful he was being gentle. But then, after he had agreed to help her, he had been incredibly gentle, if still a little standoffish.

Ren quickly set his empty bowl on the table and started toward the apothecary, motioning with his head for Jaz to follow. Reluctantly, she did.

As Ren picked up his bag, Jaz picked up the tent, needing to hold something close to her chest, at least for a while. She'd have to figure out how to set this thing up once they got back, and then there was a long, cold night ahead of her. She shivered.

After a glance at Ren, Jaz walked back into the main room and looked for Monica. She waited until the priestess caught her eye and then tried to smile reassuringly. In her culture, there was a set of gestures to convey the necessary sorrow of parting and an intention to return. But Monica likely wouldn't understand, and even so, Jaz was holding a large tent. Jaz nodded at her instead, hoping that would be meaningful enough. It's okay. It's genuinely okay, Jaz thought toward the woman.

Once Jaz was out in the open air, she took a deep breath and felt considerably better. She was lonely and ached in almost every place, but her lungs and her head were beginning to clear. The sun was getting low on the horizon, and Jaz marveled for a moment at its orange glow. What a strange fire, she thought.

She looked back to make sure that Ren had made it back out with her, waiting for him if necessary. When she made eye contact, she smiled, a little more convincingly than the one she had managed to give Monica. She wanted him to know she was okay--or that she would be okay. Was it worry she had seen in his face before?

Jaz felt playful all of a sudden, the fresh air making her feel light and giddy. She took a few steps in the direction they had come, back toward his cabin, wanting to prove that she remembered, and then paused, waiting for Ren to catch up. When he did, she bumped her hip against his and smiled, this one fully meeting her eyes.

"You're kind of nice when you're not suspicious," she said, blinking up at him.