Written Wonderland

In some ways, Ashleigh was grateful that Ramanujan also turned his gaze towards the building. She supposed, it relieved some of the pressure to move conversation along promptly, and also, it reassured her that she hadn't turned the soldier off too badly with her distracted comment. She regretted saying anything in that moment, wishing instead she'd acknowledged the state she was in and held her tongue while she got past it, but what was done was done.

For now, she gave herself permission to let silence settle between them a moment, so that she could try to see through whatever fog had wearied her. She felt a little embarrassed to realize it was personal, but tried to push through the instinct to set it aside. Perhaps it would even be prudent to--

No, Ashleigh caught sight of a powerful twinge in Ramanujan just as she started to shift her attention back to him, and any notion that she'd ask him for anything faded to the background after all. He had far too much to sort through himself, and briefly, embarrassment faintly colored Ashleigh's skin to have even thought for a moment otherwise, but she ushered that away and returned fully to her usual, business-like self, attentive but patient as she carefully split her attention between the building and her soldier. She wanted to be aware of how he was doing, while still allowing him some small modicum of privacy, insofar as the situation allowed. Whatever he was going through was, she knew, not fully hers to know about.

The captain turned her attention fully back to Ramanujan when she sensed his attention returning to her. Her expression was sober and interested, but soft, and she waited for him to speak. She nodded gently to him once he did.

"I understand completely," she said, her voice full and rich with reassurance.

"I'm grateful for what you've shared, but if you'd like to get back to your meditation..." Ashleigh started to trail off, but something about Ramanujan's expression, or maybe his posture, or maybe just a strange subtle tug at her mind, made her reconsider. "Or, if there's anything I can do for you, you need only ask."

Ramanujan's self-control and decorum was quickly decomposing in favor of his memories with the goddess, not the ones from the dream, not the ones he had been so completely blinded by--the goddess and all six thousand some-odd years of knowledge in one moment--but the ones from her realm, and more specifically, what Ramanujan himself did there. Under her control.

He was a slave to her. A servant among so many of the others, all of them thoroughly contented to be with her. And Ramanujan had known ahead of time to some degree. She had been right about him, even if preemptive. He would absolutely have traded his freedom to have gained what she gave him, and she had known it. Attempted to use it, even, for all the good it did her. But that was just the state of him there. Then there were the memories, the longing, so palpable when breathing in the mists, Ramanujan imagined. And the light of the sun in the sky began to flicker until, at least for a moment, the light had turned that same lavender shade...

I understand completely.

It was a simple phrase, but it brought him back to reality. There was something in the calm tenderness of her tone that made him feel awash with truth in a way he could not fully explain. It left him breathless and dazed at the thought that she could actually understand completely, and maybe she could. After all, she had asked him the same question twice. Or with the same intention, at least. Suggesting he return to his meditation.

"I think it would be rather difficult to meditate right now. If you don't mind, I'd prefer to be distracted by whatever is distracting you, Captain Brede." It was sincere, if blunt, and he genuinely meant it as an invitation to speak plainly, but there was also a desperation under his tone. It was all to easy to get lost in his thoughts right now... of the goddess... of the sensation of her inside his mind just a few hours ago...

Ramanujan took another deep breath to steady himself. He was now beginning to doubt his own sincerity. Was the goddess manipulating his thoughts? Did he want to trap Captain Brede here? Gods, he didn't know. Maybe he should have sent her away. But he had already gone and run his mouth, and he wasn't one to abruptly change his mind, though his confusion may have shown in his expression.

A light heat pooled to the surface of Ashleigh's skin again. She was grateful that most of the sensation was on her shoulders, safely hidden away under her jacket, but some certainly radiated on her cheeks. For that, she'd just have to hope that her tan skin and freckles would sufficiently camouflage the visual effect.

"Ah, well." the captain managed a casual smile, putting in the effort to find the balance between dumping and pulling away. Perhaps she could share just enough to, as Ramanujan requested, distract him.

"I was just... feeling for Evan, before. How alone he is in this. And beyond that..." Ashleigh couldn't help trailing off briefly, her eyes flicking to the side, this time more in the direction of the river than the building. "I was feeling a little sorry for myself there for a moment, too." She made sure her smile grew yet more lighthearted before she continued, "This silly notion that we ought to all be friends rather than merely co-captains. I think maybe some of them have managed it, but, well... I suppose thinking about Evan's lonesomeness turned into something of a mirror."

Ashleigh brought her gaze back to Ramanujan after that, curious how her attempt at distraction was landing.

((OOC: photo reference. By no means a perfect portrait of Ashleigh--Ashleigh is certainly older, and her hair longer--but it seemed like a good reference for "Black red-head" esp re:skintone))

Ramanujan felt guilty as soon as Ashleigh... Captain Brede... starting talking. He shouldn't have pried, shouldn't have said that, and his eyes started to glaze over as she began talking about feeling for Evan. Although Ramanujan felt for him, too, if only for when Ramanujan held him down before the... No, no, he needed to focus on what Captain Brede was saying to stay present, remember? That was the whole point of this conversation. He may as well get something out of the mess he had made.

Ashleigh herself was lonely, then, too, Ramanujan supposed. And that made perfect sense to him. There was little comfort to be had in the middle of an army camp, and friends did seem in short supply if you weren't interested in playing cards or sneaking off behind bushes.

By the time Captain Brede started talking about the ways Captain Rutliff had been a mirror, Ramanujan was looking at her thoughtfully, grateful to know that she had access to that level of introspection.

"I'm sure he has no shortage of attention right now. Captain Rutliff, that is. Not to say that that's the attention he needs, but it's something." Ramanujan's expression turned thoughtful again. He had the urge to tell Captain Brede what had happened to Evan, but... perhaps it was not his place. And, on the other hand, Ramanujan wanted to offer... what, exactly? Friendship? Companionship? to his captain, but everything he could think to say felt loaded and potentially problematic. He also couldn't be sure that his motivations weren't... physical.

Ramanujan had the urge to stand but suspected that might not be the best idea right now, so he remained sitting, looking up at Captain Brede with a nearly plaintive expression as he searched for words.

"I... well... I'm glad that we have always been able to talk to one another. I wouldn't know who else to tell about... what happened." Another wave of longing hit him as he remembered a few moments with the goddess in quick succession--her head and hair draped across his chest; the way she would talk to him as though filling space, mentioning nothing in particular but also everything; the smell of her skin--and Ramanujan looked down quickly, grasping the tops of his knees with his hands. "Gods, I miss her," he allowed himself to say, very quietly.

Amusement lit up Ashleigh's face when Ramanujan commented on the attention Evan was receiving now. Though, it faded to a more thoughtful expression fairly quickly. Ramanujan himself had acknowledged that the attention probably wasn't the kind Evan needed, and Ashleigh also wondered how much he was actually getting anyway. She hadn't seen much of him outside of the meeting the other day--which certainly had not been good attention--and she had gathered he'd been needing to sleep much of the time he wasn't with the goddess.

The captain's mind was just going over a memory of leaving the meeting the other day--glancing back to see Evan shuffling over to Mizu, glaring at other captains to mind their own business and git--when Ramanujan started speaking again. Something about the memory had already started warming Ashleigh's chest, and Ramanujan's words about being able to talk with Ashleigh continued stoking the feeling, which luckily was pleasant. Ashleigh smiled gently, but the expression wavered when her soldier looked down, grasping at his knees, and quietly declared his longing for the goddess.

The feeling in the captain's chest remained just as warm, but her gut twisted uneasily, and she pursed her lips slightly as she tried to figure out how to respond. An impulse rose to do something to be closer to the soldier--perhaps taking a seat, or moving over to place a hand on his shoulder--but she remained glued to the spot, nearly paralyzed with but would that be appropriate?.

The paralysis didn't last long, though. Ashleigh normally had tremendous respect for things like rank and propriety, when they made practical sense, but this was an extraordinary situation, and far be it from her to censor her instincts based on norms that needn't apply.

All at once, the captain moved swiftly and gracefully to sit across from Ramanujan, just close enough to lean forward and reach out to place her hands on his. There were no possible words to console him, so she remained silent, happy to offer him eye contact if he sought it out, but her gaze soft in the meantime, warm and unexpectant just as the rest of her countenance.

Something about the tone of the conversation was shifting, and even from a distance, Ramanujan could feel Ashleigh softening. Or maybe that was just the lingering sensation of the goddess. Ramanujan didn't know and perhaps it didn't matter. He was grateful that he had recovered from his hasty comment earlier. He hadn't made such a mess of things after all.

When Ashleigh sat in front of him, though, the soldier was completely unprepared for the proximity. His eyebrows scrunched together as he continued staring at the ground, wondering what she intended. But, he wasn't quite ready to look at her, not just yet.

And then she reached out and placed her hands over his, which were still grasping at his knees. The touch was wonderful, and Ramanujan could not help his expression from softening, his eyes from closing as he emotionally leaned into the physical contact. Some part of his mind wondered if it was appropriate to be doing this with his captain, but... she had initiated, hadn't she? Keep telling yourself that, the soldier thought.

But, all in all, it only made Ramanujan's longing more fervent. He wanted more contact, but he was unsure of himself, unsure that, past a certain point, he would be able to hold himself back. Back from what exactly? The image of the other soldier on top of Evan wormed its way into Ramanujan's mind, and Ramanujan's stomach turned over. He wished he could turn her hands over and grasp them tighter. Instead, he finally looked up into Ashleigh's calm, soft brown eyes with a painful pleading in his face he wasn't sure he could have controlled had he tried.

What did he actually want here? To have her swoon into his arms? Ridiculous. Closer, he thought, just closer than this. All at once, while she respected the distance she had given him when she first sat down, he wanted their crossed legs to be touching, for their knees to be brushing the same way their hands were...

Ramanujan looked down again. Finally, he removed his hands from underneath hers and set them back on top, squeezing her hands gently.

"You may not be safe with me. I want..." Ramanujan trailed off as though that explained everything.

Ashleigh raised an eyebrow, and her lips widened in a slightly daring smirk.

"Safe, soldier?" her tone of voice was a rich mixture of amused and intrigued, perhaps with a dash of that daring from her smirk laced in. She exhaled rather purposefully afterwards, though, her expression re-softening and whatever trace of tension in her muscles that might have started forming relaxing once more.

"You don't seem like you mean me harm." She said this honestly, her gaze studying Ramanujan with a calm curiosity. She had a pretty strong intuition about what worried him, and she briefly regretted perhaps backing him into a corner about it, but she wasn't immediately sure how to remedy that at this point. One thing she knew she did have to do, though, was figure out what she actually wanted, and quickly.

Without moving, the captain focused in on her own body for a brief moment. Then, she gently squeezed Ramanujan's knees before slowly starting to push her hands forward and turn her arms over, aiming to clasp Ramanujan's forearms, and perhaps gently press her forehead against his, if he seemed amenable.

Once they both seemed settled into a new position for the moment, she said softly, "I can't offer much more than this right now, but I do want to offer this."

Ramanujan's heart leapt up into his chest at the sight of his captain's smirk. It wasn't about the smirk exactly, but about what it could mean. Ashleigh had always been a little unconventional, but how unconventional?

Would he even...? What if she offered...? And the image of Dehaljadrun flickered for a moment behind his eyes.

Safe, soldier?

She was right; he was being ridiculous. How many times had they sparred and trained together? The woman could absolutely hold her own no matter what he tried to throw at her. Obviously.

But, still, he was afraid of himself. Of what he might agree to.

The heat of her palms against his forearms flared up his body, and he rejoiced at the sensation of it, and then she paused before leaning in to touch her forehead to his, which immediately calmed him. She was turning him away, and he was relieved. He genuinely didn't believe he had it in him to say no.

Which was not to say that, when they stayed in that position, he didn't enjoy himself. It was divine. And Ramanujan was more than willing to believe that Ashleigh actually did want this. A shining clarity rushed through his mind, and he suddenly felt the least clouded he had all day, or really since he fell asleep before the goddess sought him out. He breathed out pleasantly, relief flooding through him.

Ashleigh smiled silently when she heard Ramanujan's exhale, the subtle sound somehow illustrating in full color that he appreciated her offering, which was a great relief. Some part of her honestly had wanted to offer him more, but she wasn't sure it would be for the right reasons. For now, she sank happily into this warm contentment that vibrated between them here, her body letting out a soft, low hum as she did so.

She remained like that with him for several minutes, her body breathing in tandem with his and her skin paying attention to his subtle movements and vibrations as they existed together. Maybe it was silly, but she really tried to grok that this man had indeed seen and touched and known divinity, even if it felt distant to him now. She set aside the "what if"s she'd been juggling for this, deciding that there was no need to keep them in sight for this context; she was confident enough that she'd find them again when she resurfaced.

And, she did resurface after a while. The sounds of the nearby river began calling her attention, then the feeling of breeze on her skin, and finally the ground beneath her. She gently tightened her grip on his forearms and drew in a deeper breath before slowly starting to pull away and blink her eyes open. She waited a moment to give Ramanujan the chance to also resurface slowly, and once his eyes seemed to refocus on the world in front of him, she gave him a warm smile and smoothly pushed herself to her feet.

"Thank you." she said sincerely. "I should probably return to the world of captain business, but if you need anything else today, don't hesitate to seek me out."

The vibration, the clarity, the focus, the narrowing of experience down to just this present moment... and sharing that with another person... Ramanujan did not think he had ever participated in a joint meditation such as this--unless you counted some of things he did with the goddess, that was. It was lovely. And Ramanujan was amazed at the ease with which the two of them fell into it.

Still it was--somewhere off in the part of his mind that still had space for thought--not satisfying. Ashleigh wasn't a goddess, and that was the tier to which Ramanujan would compare everything now. Although, had it been any different before he had actually met the goddess? Yes, because there hadn't been quite such tangible proof. But now, he wasn't in any way about to question what he had himself experienced, even though part of it all occurred inside his waking dream. Yes, it was different now.

And, in that regard, what was the use of staying in the human realm if all he was going to do was ache for information and knowledge and attention they could not fully give him? It was a good question, one that very nearly made Ramanujan tell his captain he would volunteer immediately. But, as she began to pull away and interrupt their mutual flow, he lost that train of thought and attended to her words, blinking his eyes open at the sudden rush of sunlight as it entered his vision.

No, he should think about it all more. And see if there were any further memories he could recover from what the goddess had given him. Perhaps the answer was in there.

"Thank you, Captain Brede. I will... check in with you before sundown."