Written Wonderland

It was, admittedly, strange to think of the others not holding their cards as close to their chests, though he guessed whatever showings Novelty referred to were probably more subtle than his imagination was coming up with. It made him uneasy, though, even passingly wondering whether Ramanujan might have shared about what happened with someone, but he tried to brush it away. Whatever they had been through together... Philip did feel a sort of kindship for the other men who were there, and he didn't want to poison that with his own unlikely imagination.

Besides, Novelty continued, and Philip noticed some color on the soldier's cheeks about the same time he felt some warmth on his own. He didn't feel very respectable or trustworthy right now, and had the impulse to say it, but Novelty already knew that, and it was somewhat heartening to hear a new person confirm that that was Philip's reputation. He wanted to be respectable and trustworthy, which was part of what was so devastating about his stay with the goddess; it showcased all the ways in which he wasn't.

Philip swallowed softly and tried to figure out what else he wanted from this soldier. He didn't feel quite settled about their exchange, but he wasn't sure what was missing. He decided to pass the ball back for now while he chewed on his own desires.

"And have I given you what you were looking for?"

The short answer to the lieutenant's question was yes. Philip had been far more forthcoming than Novelty had been braced for, but surely there were other questions he could come up with since Philip was asking. Novelty wracked his mind for anything else that might possibly be of use, looking various places in Philip's tent as though that would help him find something.

Finally, with a small smile, Novelty decided. "Under what conditions would you go back?" He knew it was a loaded question, especially the way he had worded it. It assumed there were conditions under which the lieutenant would return, and perhaps that was incorrect. But Philip's answer would give Novelty information no matter what he said--about the goddess, about the location, about Philip himself--and far be it from Novelty to turn down such an opportunity.

Philip's eyes widened, and his chin drew back slightly, both subtle indications of surprise. There was an impulse to give a knee-jerk response of I wouldn't, but he clenched his jaw instead, and tried to look for an honest reply. There was one easy answer he could give, at least.

"If my captain or commander asked me to, I would go." He knew that stopping there would be somewhat trite, and his eyes flicked to the side as he inhaled, which he hoped would give the impression that he intended to continue after a moment's thought. Unfortunately, he couldn't find much more to say; everything else on the matter felt jumbled and subverbal, and impossible to articulate. Philip drew his gaze back to Novelty, and decided that actually, this was something else that he wanted to know.

"Why have you volunteered?" His tone managed to carry with it no judgement; he wasn't trying to shame the soldier, just to understand. Nathan had already experienced the goddess, and to some extent, Philip could intuitively comprehend that the boy likely just couldn't take life without her now. Philip did feel an ache in his own body that direction. But Novelty presumably had no such ache, and Philip was genuinely curious what else would motivate this. Lust, sure, but this soldier wasn't coming across as one to let that motive overcome him.

Novelty felt rather gratified at Philip's surprised reaction, even if it was muted it nature. He felt like he was beginning to understand the nuances of the man's expressions, and it pleased Novelty in a deep place in his chest. There was a brief flash of his previous anger, but Philip restrained it quickly and gave what Novelty thought was a rather safe response, even if there were a number of questions that answer immediately brought to mind. After all, his captain and his commander were asking. And how did Philip reconcile the fact that someone--a much less informed someone--would go in his stead if he didn't?

But all that would have to wait because Philip's own curiosity seemed to get the better of him again. Gracefully, Novelty nodded and shifted such that one of his knees was bent up again, his hand with the apple dangling casually off it.

So much he could say... and so little. He didn't want to say outright that it was a reconnaissance mission for several reasons, and besides, that wasn't the whole truth. And there was the fact that he hadn't fully decided to go anyway. It was the path he was following for now, sure, but he came to Philip seeking information to make a more informed decision. He hadn't fully collected all the reasons he wanted to go. And yet, he did want to go. Very, very badly.

Then again, he couldn't exactly come forward and say how much he wanted... Well, why would anyone go to the goddess unless they were interested in the more lurid parts of the stories? Novelty dropped his eyes before fully closing them for a few moments, searching deep within himself for the truest answer he could reasonably provide.

"I don't think I've ever been loved." Novelty met Philip's eyes when he said it, and for what it meant, he delivered it without emotion, only its potency. It wasn't a statement asked for pity or sympathy in return, it was just what Novelty believed, and honestly, he experienced a lot of relief in saying it out loud. "I doubt that that's what I will find with the goddess, but... it's what I want, and I'm struggling to believe I can find it here." Novelty paused for a moment and looked down, feeling like perhaps he owed Philip more of an explanation. "I've had dalliances, I've been taken care of, and I've certainly been in love, but it's... I'm a passing fantasy, it seems. Perhaps in that way, the goddess and I might have something in common." Novelty shrugged his shoulders, his voice threatening to waver, though he kept it under control.

"Well, that," Novelty said, looking back at Philip with a smile, "and my captain asked me to."

Philip's eyebrows drew together and his cheeks gained a bit more color when Novelty began his response. The lieutenant felt uncomfortable, uncertain as to whether he'd been in the wrong for asking Novelty the question to begin with, or if Novelty was somehow inappropriate in his reply... or if this topic was just doomed to this sort of discomfort regardless, and no one was really at fault for any of it. Philip decided on the latter, but that didn't really relieve any of the tightness in his stomach. Slowly, though, he did grow grateful for the soldier's candor--perhaps Philip had just needed a moment to trust that what he was hearing was authentic, and not just melodrama. Still, even as the uncomfortable tightness did start to relax, a new sort of guilt settled in its stead: Philip had been loved, and he'd abandoned her. Another place where he hadn't been as trustworthy as he liked to think.

Novelty finished with a playful reference to his own captain, and Philip allowed a corner of his mouth to hint at a smirk. Fair enough. Though, it made him wonder why Novelty's captain had chosen him, in that case, but it also occurred to him that the soldier might just be poking fun.

"Well, the goddess might well give you the sensation." Philip offered with a bit of a shrug as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees again. He had mixed feelings, giving this soldier any kind of validation about volunteering, but... it also wouldn't be right to simply withhold part of the truth. It wasn't his job to convince others to go or not go. He knew it'd have to be deeply personal for each and every volunteer. Philip's gaze drifted to the side, his expression soft and a bit melancholy.

"It is... difficult, to have left her."

Honestly, he didn't know where he was going, nor was he entirely sure that he cared at the moment. In some ways, this soldier felt like the only person in the world Philip would have the opportunity to make these confessions to, and that one just... made its way out.

Novelty listened to Philip's response, potently aware that the sensation and the reality were worlds apart. Still, he appreciated that Philip at least had said something... neutral? about the goddess. But then the lieutenant went on to add that he... yeah, he missed her. And who could blame him, really? The Demon Mother, the Dream Tender, the majesty that is standing before a god. She did sound rather compelling.

The soldier nodded, cautiously optimistic about the conversation and grateful that Philip didn't feel the need to ask further prying questions about Novelty's love life--or the lack thereof. There was a lot to go into, but it wasn't always particularly enjoyable to re-experience it in the retelling. Philip's discomfort and lack of recognition about Novelty's initial statement did make the soldier feel like Philip could believe he had been loved, and Novelty wondered, if that were true--pesky assumptions again--where that person was. Were they waiting for Philip to come home? Is that why Philip didn't want to go back? Or had he lost them some time ago? Novelty couldn't tell and wasn't even sure if he was correct.

But, it did leave something of an opening, "Out of curiosity, how do you feel about some other soldier going to the goddess instead of you?" Novelty asked the question directly with a slight tilt to his head. It wasn't accusatory; it was completely and honestly curious, although Novelty wasn't sure how much he would mind if Philip's anger flared again.

At first, Philip did look irritated--his eyes narrowing, his gaze flicking back to Novelty a bit sharply. He returned his gaze to the side quickly, though, and sighed, which again softened his expression. He took another moment in thought before he replied, though.

"Don't get me wrong, it is tempting to be a martyr. When I first heard..." Gods, it seemed like only moments before, Chloe had been sitting just inches to the side of where Novelty sat now, telling Philip he'd have to make a choice. He wondered where she was now. What she must think of him. Philip closed his eyes briefly and lightly shook his head.

"It would be a relief, in some ways. To give up my duty and return to that state where the worries of the world were the least of my concern... but I'm not sure it would be right of me. I can't speak for anyone else, though, so since we're leaving it up to choice..." Philip shrugged again, anxious that he was being too dismissive, but unsure how else to reason about this right now.

"Who am I to say who should or shouldn't go?" He brought his gaze back to Novelty then, his eyebrows raised just enough to emphasize that he was in fact asking a genuine question. Defensiveness certainly clutched at his heart, but he knew that was because he had his own internal voice scolding him for losing Nathan to the goddess' influence; for not trying to talk this soldier out of going, too. But if Philip heeded that voice, he'd eventually be undermining his commander, so... what was he to do?

A little taken off by hearing the word, "martyr," Novelty was momentarily distracted. Is that what this was? Is that what Novelty was doing? He didn't think so. In fact, he had been elated to be offered the opportunity. After all, there were thousands of soldiers in camp, and Novelty had to guess that quite a few of them would be interested. In that light, was it fair to think that Philip should still go? Perhaps not if someone else genuinely wanted it. But, Novelty's question had been a question for Philip to ponder on, to get him to analyze his reasoning, and what Novelty learned from that was that, no, Philip was not entirely decided on the matter. Instead, the lieutenant seemed to be in a real mess about it from the look on his face, the confusion in his voice, and his final question.

"Well, I do think there will be plenty of others who would jump at the chance to go," Novelty began, his voice having returned fully to its steady cadence, "though, as you said, they likely don't realize they won't return the same person." Novelty let a silence fall, then, searching his heart for anything else he might want to ask or say to this man. Mostly, there was just that consistent desire for tenderness, for comforting him, especially if he wasn't seriously considering going back. And, above all, the fantasy that such tenderness might be reciprocal.

Ah, but it was too much to hope for, Novelty thought, and he sighed with somewhat obvious melancholy.

"Not all of us have someone waiting for us to come home." It was a half-hearted assumption, but Novelty hoped that Philip would either confirm or contradict it, though he couldn't exactly determine why. Why did it matter whether the lieutenant was attached? Novelty was leaving anyway. But, that marked the first time since Captain Kade had proposed the idea of going the goddess that Novelty suddenly felt resistant to it. Then again, how could he not go? And pass up such an opportunity on the off chance that this man would want to become involved? How absurd.

Shaking off the gloom, Novelty smiled and added, "I do wish I had approached you sooner." Novelty looked toward the roof of the tent as though he could see the sun through it. He knew time was running short, and he wondered if Serio had gone to visit the old woman in the forest yet.

Philip swallowed heavily when Novelty pointed out what the soldiers who volunteered were likely not to know. A new sort of guilt plunged into Philip's stomach; had it been wrong of him to keep all this to himself? Well, he consoled himself that he certainly hadn't known that they'd be sending men back until just recently, and... he hadn't exactly been in a good state to even try to share things before now. And, besides, he still felt powerfully that this was terribly personal, and he shouldn't have to tell anyone. That force tugged disgruntledly at the guilt in his stomach, and he started to feel a little nauseous.

Then, Novelty went and commented about no one waiting for him to come home, and Philip's eyes narrowed at the soldier again. He might have snapped, though what he wasn't sure, but Novelty made a follow-up comment, wishing he'd come to see Philip sooner. Philip's eyes remained narrow, but now his brows drew up slightly again in confusion. Just what was this soldier getting at?

"I doubt I have anyone waiting for me, either." The lieutenant finally said, his words a bit clipped and grumbled. It felt a bit petty to say, and painful to remind himself of, but if Novelty thought Philip was holding out on the goddess just in hopes of being able to return to his fiancée one day...

Well, sure. Maybe that was part of it. But it was a hope beyond hope, and a bittersweet one, at that--did Philip really hope that she was spending all this time waiting for him, worrying and pining and suffering? No, in a very real sense, his sincere hope was that she'd already mourned him and moved on, that she was being taken care of and happy despite the war. That's really what he wanted. And yet, the thought of it tore at his heart, and added a new gloss to his eyes. He couldn't quite stop his right hand from reaching up to tug at the shirt over his chest as his eyes looked down and to the side.

"Perhaps you should take what you've learned to other volunteers."

The soldier took in each and every minute shift of Philip's mood, almost eager for his anger. There was another little flash of it, and Philip's reply was certainly tinged with it, but Novelty felt too many of his own emotions to fully process Philip's.

I doubt I have anyone waiting for me, either.

It was sad, really, Novelty knew that, but Novelty's eyebrows pulled upward and together in some kind of crazed hope. They were both terribly alone; hadn't they admitted that to each other? Then Novelty could see the shine in Philip's eyes, and Novelty's heart potently ached for the man. Whatever had happened with his previous love had not been easy, and Novelty could hardly imagine what it must feel like to have had such a rare and beautiful gem snatched away. And then to leave the goddess as well...

Maybe you should take what you've learned to the other volunteers.

Novelty understood it as a kind of dismissal, but he found himself unwilling to leave. There was still something... unfinished about this situation, and Novelty didn't like leaving things undiscovered. Deciding that it was time to stand at least, Novelty came slowly to his feet, looking at Philip and stepping away momentarily to set his half-eaten apple gently outside the flap before returning to stand in front of Philip at the cot. He was closer than before, maybe only a foot and a half away from Philip's body, close enough to see the depth of colors swirling in his blonde and sandy brown hair as it subtly mixed with the occasional white strand.

"Thank you for everything you've told me. I will keep the details of what you shared to myself, but I will inform the others as best I can." Silently, Novelty also promised that, in doing so, he would not attempt to dissuade them the way Philip had. On that account, Philip was correct; it wasn't either of their places to decide who should go and who shouldn't.

And... now what? He knew he wanted to offer some kind of touch to Philip--some kind of comfort demanded itself--but what? A caress of the cheek seemed far too intimate, but...

Finally, Novelty settled on setting his hand gently on Philip's shoulder and squeezed after a moment, looking into the sweet lines of Philip's face with all the empathy and courage and strength he had in him. "I'm going to remember you as a good man, Lieutenant Pemberley. And," Novelty said, looking down to one side, "I am going to miss you."