Written Wonderland

Tears still rolled down Yukiko's cheeks, and Mizu felt put-off by them. She didn't understand what about them felt inauthentic--maybe on some level, Mizu simply didn't know what emotional response she might have expected after one declares their godhood. Did gods even cry? Did Dehaljadrun cry? Was Dehaljadrun this human? Remembering the reddish purple eyes of the soldier she was possessing, perhaps not.

Yukiko took her time, genuinely considering Mizu's offer of help. After a few moments, Mizu began to wonder if that had been folly of her. What did she have to offer when it came to spiritual matters? And did she really believe Yukiko enough to participate in any of it?

"I think," Yukiko started after taking a breath, "I mean, it would lift my spirits considerably if you'd be willing to indulge some curiosity about last night..." Mizu's eyes widened perceptively, and her stomach began tying itself in familiar knots. That was the last thing she expected Yukiko to say.

"Only what you'd enjoy sharing with a friend, of course," Yukiko added, which didn't make the commander feel better. Were they still friends after all this?

And, wait... did this mean... Horu, the goddess of truth and wisdom... had... walked in on her and a subordinate?

Mizu felt an immense compulsion to hide, run, cower, but it only showed as a flick of her eyes toward the tent flap. She swallowed. If she wasn't prepared to run or hide it last night, she wasn't going to hide it now. Yukiko--and Horu--already knew, after all.

The commander narrowed her eyes, wondering if there was any ulterior motive behind getting the commander to reveal more, but she couldn't find any. There was nothing more that would further incriminate her.

At last, the imaginary standoff came to an end, and Mizu sighed, her shoulders caving in by a fraction.

"He's going to the goddess tonight. I had relieved him of duty," Mizu said, not meeting Yukiko's eyes, very aware that Yukiko knew exactly who she was talking about. She also knew that what she was saying wasn't a good justification.

She tried to think of more justifications. We were sparring, maybe, or For a moment, everything seemed right, but they felt hollow. And it wasn't what Yukiko was asking for. Yukiko wanted... friendship. Comradery. Honesty

Mizu looked at Yukiko squarely in the face and said, "It was the single happiest moment I have experienced since before the battle at the capital." Then again, maybe some of her soldiers hadn't experienced any happiness since then. The commander didn't smile or look away, but her eyes were brimming with moisture, remembering how Lance promised not to let the goddess humble him on account of what they had done.

A legitimate, authentic tear fell from Mizu's eye as she finally looked down, her lips rolling over each other briefly. Her mouth felt dry. Gods, she did not want Lance to go to Dehaljadrun. And that was exactly why he needed to go, now. This was why she shouldn't have gotten involved.

Don't apologize for letting your hair down. Lance's voice reverberated through her head.

Mizu's shoulders relaxed more earnestly.

"We sparred late into the night and stared up at the stars. He... danced. We contemplated what he might bring to the goddess. He was there when the emissary arrived. We had dinner..." Mizu thought of the moment dinner had ended. She had asked Lance to tell her stories of Dehaljadrun. She had begun unclasping her scabbard. She had already made a decision. Lance was already a confidante.

I missed sharing my secrets, Mizu thought.

Sighing and gesturing in a circle with her hands, she said, "What do you want to know?" She was unraveling in front of this captain-god, and there was little stopping it now.

Mizu's eyes flicked just briefly toward the tent flap, and a brief, worried thrill fluttered up Yukiko's midriff. She had been bold, perhaps almost too bold--but only almost. Mizu's eyes returned to Yukiko, narrow with scrutiny, and all Yukiko could do was offer a crooked, sheepish sort of grin, her eyebrows lopsided in full acknowldement of the absurdity of the whole situation. Finally, Mizu sighed, her shoulders caving in by a fraction.

"He's going to the goddess tonight," Mizu replied, her eyes shifting away from Yukiko's. "I had relieved him of duty."

Yukiko pursed her lips slightly, worried by Mizu's justification. She wished she knew how to reassure Mizu that she was absolutely not judging her one bit. That Mizu didn't have anything to justify, in her eyes. Luckily, it seemed like Mizu found that reassurance on her own, and brought her eyes back to Yukiko with a fresh resolve.

"It was the single happiest moment I have experienced since before the battle at the capital," she said, and Yukiko felt another tear gently streak down one of her cheeks as she smiled, melancholy coloring the expression. She was happy that Mizu had that moment, and sad that such a moment was so rare - for Mizu, and for all of them. For people all across this country that this war had impacted. It was all worth it--she didn't waver from that certainty in her heart in the slightest--but it was also deeply sad.

A small tear fell down Mizu's cheek as well as she looked down, her lips rolling over each other briefly. Yukiko was happy to let a moment of silence pass, grief heavy in the air between them. It was comfortable, though, at least for Yukiko. She felt confident that she and Mizu could hold this together.

"We sparred late into the night," Mizu continued after a moment, "and stared up at the stars. He... danced. We contemplated what he might bring to the goddess. He was there when the emissary arrived. We had dinner..."

Yukiko couldn't quite help leaning forward in her chair, a warm and pleasant excitement stirring in the very middle of her and her eyes wide with elated anticipation. Mizu was still on the surface of something, but she was touching it with her words, helping Yukiko to see the shape of it, and it was beautiful. Yukiko couldn't wait to hear more, and it was more difficult in that moment to allow the silence to stand. She was about to practically beg Mizu to keep going when Mizu finally sighed and gestured in a circle with her hands before adding,

"What do you want to know?"

Yukiko opened her mouth, intending to somehow voice one of a million different questions all spring forth at once in her mind, but they were too bright to make into words. Instead, she held her hands out in front of her, reaching toward Mizu as though to offer her something--no, not as though, simply to offer her something.

A dim, warm light like the glow of a candle's flame flickered through the air between them, brightening as it gently splashed against Mizu's chest and then disappeared into it. Within Mizu it tenderly fanned the flames of her memories from last night, invited the emotions of it all to lick lovingly across her skin. It gently beckoned Mizu to speak, or move, or hum, or gesture--above all else, to express. Anything she wanted to, however she wanted to. The gentle flickering flame in her chest would happily help her along however she chose to proceed.

Yukiko opened her mouth, and Mizu worried about what the captain might say. Perhaps she had gone too far with her descriptions already. It was certainly more than she had told anyone about... well... much of anything regarding her personal life--what little there was of it.

But then Yukiko reached a little toward Mizu so her hands were between them. Mizu's eyebrows pulled together until a flickering candle flame appeared between the captain's hand. Mizu inhaled sharply, her eyes widening as she leaned away for a moment. But she settled back into her seat gently in awe, stiffening only when the light came toward her and into her chest, glowing even brighter as it touched her. Mizu inhaled again, the warmth overwhelming, bursting out of her chest. She wanted to cry, to wail, to scream with grief and pleasure at the same time somehow, and the urge was strong.

How on the gods' earth could she do that here, now, with everyone outside on high alert? A scream in the daylight had never happened, but people would still immediately come running.

No, not a scream, then.

Mizu closed her eyes, eyelids fluttering as her lips parted and her eyebrows twitched together with effort.

A whisper, "I don't want him to go."

And Mizu's next thoughts sent warmth to an entirely different place in her body as she remember the wave of sensations when she told Lance to stop while his tongue worked on her. And then, Please, begin again.

If you allow me to be the one to escalate, you may reciprocate, she had told him. And then they had danced together, their skin seeking new horizons in the other.

Opening her eyes slowly, Mizu looked at Yukiko, words centimeters from her lips, though she didn't have any idea what they would be. She couldn't say them. She just couldn't. And so the warmth flowed elsewhere, and Mizu gently grasped the side of Yukiko's forearm, fingers light. With her thumb around the other side of Yukiko's forearm, Mizu's hand slid slowly down toward Yukiko's wrist. Mizu closed her eyes, thinking she might be able to count the tiny hairs on Yukiko's forearm with just her fingers.

After her hand gently squeezed the fingers on Yukiko's hand, Mizu released the strange gesture all together.

"I did this to myself," Mizu said, suddenly standing and turning halfway around. "I keep doing this to myself."

The commander paled, stunned that that had come out of her mouth. Electric pulses went off uncomfortably in Mizu's gut, but she didn't outwardly move at all.

"Not... here," the commander said, "before the war." She still couldn't look at Yukiko.

"Not with a soldier," Mizu said, but she felt like she was simply digging herself a deeper pit.

"I mean, I didn't plan all of this alone," Mizu said, finally looking at Horu, a small amount of fear showing in the set of her eyes.

((OOC: Mizu might keep babbling, but we wanted to give Yukiko time to respond.))

Mizu inhaled sharply, and Yukiko immediately withdrew her hands, fingertips covering her mouth as tears welled up potently in her eyes, her throat silently bobbing.

There was so much that Mizu wanted to express, but could not. Of course that was the case. Yukiko watched with a quiet, breathy dread as Mizu's eyes fluttered shut, her eyebrows twitching together as her lips parted to try to speak. Oh, gods, how much agony had Yukiko put her in? Was it reckless hubris, to be so liberal in her experimentation already?

"I don't want him to go," Mizu whispered, and Yukiko felt her heart crack open. She pressed one balled fist to her chest, her other hand more firmly covering her mouth to remind herself not to make expressions of her own that were too austentatious--specifically, that may be witnessed beyond this tent. She'd asked Mizu to share some terribly private things, and, as much as she could feel the importance of authenticity here, she also felt it deeply important to show respect for the constraints in which they shared this moment.

Mizu opened her eyes again and met Yukiko's gaze, and Yukiko was just the tiniest bit mortified to be witnessed crying more than Mizu was. Her vision was blurred by the tears that continued to spring forth, and she sniffed before less dignified fluids began to escape her. Mizu reached out and touched Yukiko's forearm, and Yukiko relaxed. She allowed Mizu to easily guide her arm as she gently grasped it, fingers gliding softly down over her skin to her wrist. That sent a happy, warm tingle dancing up Yukiko's skin, and helped the tears slow, helped Yukiko's expression to find a smile again as she watched Mizu's eyes slide shut, this time to look at something more pleasant. The sensation between them, perhaps; a memory revisited, perhaps; a fondness expressed, perhaps. Yukiko felt tentatively reassured that Mizu was not insulted by her tears, or at least was able to get past it.

Mizu gently squeezed Yukiko's fingers with her own, and then withdrew, and Yukiko's smile dimmed.

"I did this to myself," Mizu said, suddenly standing and turning halfway around. "I keep doing this to myself."

The impulse to stand and fling a hug around Mizu was strong, but it wasn't the right call. She still had more to say. She had so much to say. Yukiko pressed both her hands against her own chest, nurturing an openness that felt like it could hold all that Mizu needed to tell her.

"Not... here," Mizu clarified, "before the war. Not with a soldier--I mean... I didn't plan all of this alone." Finally Mizu looked at Yukiko, a small amount of fear showing in the set of her eyes.

Yukiko did stand then, sensing that this was a better moment. Rather than fling a hug around Mizu, though, she settled for simply touching Mizu's hand, tips of fingers testing the waters for a fuller touch, interest in grasping both of Mizu's hands in hers trying to temper itself with what it seemed like Mizu could handle.

"Do you want to share more?" Yukiko asked tentatively. "I am happy to hear it, but I don't want to overwhelm you. I can help you out of this whenever you need."

Was that true? She thought so. She hoped so. She did see a cliff, a madness or mania that she--that Horu--was capable of inciting. But surely, having gimpsed it, she could guide them safely through this. They'd just need to proceed with a little caution.

Mizu didn't know what had come over her. She wondered if something about the light that Yukiko--Horu--had sent into her chest had something to do with it. Or maybe it was simply the fact that, whatever doubt Mizu had previously had about Yukiko's godhood was dissipating, and Mizu genuinely needed to tell someone... everything.

Yukiko stood quickly after Mizu had, lightly grazing Mizu's hand with her fingers. The touch was comforting, and soon both of their hands were clasped together.

"Do you want to share more?" Yukiko asked tentatively. "I am happy to hear it, but I don't want to overwhelm you. I can help you out of this whenever you need."

Mizu closed her eyes. She thought the effect of the light might be fading, but she couldn't know for sure. Still, she felt Yukiko deserved a full explanation at this point.

"I had entered into a relationship with the king's sorcerer, Rhys, while we were all still under the king's command," Mizu said, her eyes now meeting Yukiko's. "At some point, we began talking about concerns regarding the king's behavior, and together, we planned this war."

Mizu pulled gently out of Yukiko's clasped fingers and took a deep breath.

"We intended to finish it that night, during the battle at the palace, but several things went wrong, and we needed to pivot." Mizu paused, looking down at the ground, acknowledging all the deaths she had on her hands from mistakes they made that evening. "We had a backup plan in case it went awry. All of this," Mizu said, gesturing to the tent they were in, stolen from the king's stores.

"We broke our relationship off before the army left the capital. We both knew it couldn't go on, not from a distance and not while Rhys continued to pretend loyalty to the king." Mizu returned to looking at Yukiko.

"Rhys and I have been in contact for much of this past year. He has delayed the king in a number of ways to aid our efforts and kept me abreast of changing plans and opinions. But, I've tried to contact him several times since we learned of Ponderance's disappearance, and he has been silent."

Mizu took another breath.

"I don't know what to think of that." Mizu said, returning to her seat to put her head in one hand.

Mizu closed her eyes, and Yukiko held her breath for half a moment, delicately waiting to see which path Mizu would step toward.

"I had entered into a relationship with the king's sorcerer, Rhys, while we were all still under the king's command," Mizu said, her eyes now meeting Yukiko's again. Yukiko swallowed, something about the statement pounding a cold steel in her chest. "At some point," Mizu continued, "we began talking about concerns regarding the king's behavior, and together, we planned this war."

Mizu pulled her hands away, pausing to take a deep breath, and, while sad about the withdrawal, Yukiko took the opportunity to look at the sensation in her own chest. Was it jealousy? Betrayal? Consternation? What was causing it?

"We intended to finish it that night, during the battle at the palace, but several things went wrong, and we needed to pivot." Mizu looked down at the ground, and Yukiko felt the urge to reach for her hands again--or maybe just a wish to know more about what Mizu was thinking in that moment. It was something Yukiko felt sure was going unexpressed, and it tugged at her. But, she respected the gap between them, still intent on making sure she didn't accidentally drive them toward the nearby cliff.

"We had a backup plan in case it went awry. All of this," Mizu gestured to the tent they stood in, toward all the many things beyond it that had so tragically been necessary. "We broke our relationship off before the army left the capital. We both knew it couldn't go on, not from a distance and not while Rhys continued to pretend loyalty to the king."

Mizu returned to looking at Yukiko, just in time for a fresh cascade of tears to stream down Yukiko's face. She grieved for Mizu; for the war; for her own loneliness, too. The lump in her throat ached terribly, yearning to sob, but knowing that now was not the time, for so many reasons.

"Rhys and I have been in contact for much of this past year. He has delayed the king in a number of ways to aid our efforts and kept me abreast of changing plans and opinions. But, I've tried to contact him several times since we learned of Ponderance's disappearance, and he has been silent."

Mizu took another breath.

"I don't know what to think of that."

Yukiko blinked, stunned, and then drew in a deep breath of her own, hands coming up to gently cover her face for a moment--wiping tears from her cheeks, and taking her time about it. This was the space she could take to express her emotions at the moment. She lowered her hands as she released a full-bodied exhale, eyes closed until her lungs were as empty as she could get them. She breathed in again slowly, gathering her wits back together. She still had to keep the cliff in sight. On her next exhale - softer, more contemplative - she gently opened her eyes, and offered Mizu tenderly furrowed eyebrows and a sad smile.

"Thank you for confiding in me." Yukiko said warmly, her hands softly covering the center of her chest. She found a lingering remnant of the cold, pounding steel, and she gently acknowledged it to herself before taking in another deep breath, and returning her hands to her sides as she exhaled again.

"How can I best support you in this moment?"

Mizu didn't know how to understand why she was saying all of this to Yukiko. Was it just that Mizu was overwhelmed? Or did all of this have something to do with the... light... that Yukiko had sent into her chest? A brief flare of anger at that thought showed itself in Mizu's chest, but she calmed it without incident. Who was she, after all, to deny a god their right to truth? But, then again, could Yukiko really pretend to be a friend if all she wanted was information?

Yukiko wiped another wave of tears from her cheeks, and Mizu relaxed to some degree. She trusted, at this point, that those at least were authentic. This whole situation was taking a toll on Yukiko, and god or no, Mizu knew that Yukiko still felt responsible for Ponderance's disappearance, which Mizu had called back into the fore.

As Yukiko caught her breath, Mizu wondered bitterly if there were any other secrets she intended to spew to Yukiko just now, but she felt, for the first time in a long time, empty. And it felt... good.

"Thank you for confiding in me," Yukiko said, her hands covering her chest. "How can I best support you in this moment?"

Some part of Mizu was still... angry, although it was difficult to fully understand why. She supposed it felt like, the moment she made an ally, something outside of Mizu's control pulled them away from her: Rhys to his duties with the king, Evan to the goddess, and Yukiko to... herself. She wouldn't count Lance. She knew he had been spoken for from the beginning.

Mizu made a sound almost like a wince and placed her thumb and forefinger against one temple.

"Given everything you've seen and everything you now know," Mizu said carefully, turning to look again at Yukiko. "Are you... disappointed in me?"

Mizu made a sound almost like a wince and placed her thumb and forefinger against one temple.

"Given everything you've seen and everything you now know," Mizu said carefully, turning to look again at Yukiko. "Are you... disappointed in me?"

Oh, gods, Yukiko only barely suppressed the impulse to laugh, instead yielding to the absurd, crooked grin that involuntarily lit up her face.

"Gods, no, Mizu." Her hands did reach toward Mizu's then, but only enough to meet Mizu's half-way, if Mizu caught the nonverbal invitation and accepted it.

"I only feel sorrow that you have been so lonely." But, well, there had been that pound of steel. What was appropriate to tell Mizu about that? Her smile melted a little in some kind of acknowledgement, and she tentatively added, "And perhaps some lament that you and I hadn't been able to do more of this together."

They had both been so lonely for so much of this... it just seemed a damn shame.

"But, no, nothing about what I have learned of you has disappointed me, Mizu," she added, offering some hopeful warmth. "You have allowed yourself crucial human connection, and at the same time held steady in your resolve to do what must be done. Horu herself walks the line of passion and conviction--" oh, but was that the right direction to go? Was Mizu asking if Yukiko or Horu was disappointed in her? Did it matter?

She took a quick breath, and then finished the thought with a fresh resolve. "If I am any indication, you have her blessing, in all you have done." Except, only once the words were out of Yukiko's mouth did she find a snag. Perhaps it had been too big a statement, but it allowed her to see the edges of what she was actually getting at.

"I only have one question for you, which you needn't answer, but... well, I will just ask it, and you can do with it what you will. Do you stand by your reasons for keeping Rhys' identity a secret?"

After a moment of silence had passed, Mizu looked at Yukiko to find a crooked grin on her face. Did she think it was funny, now, having their roles reversed? The commander groveling to the god?

"Gods, no, Mizu." The commander let out a breath, a deep fear unrooting from her belly. She had never spent much time wondering about how the gods thought of her before this week, but now... it was almost all she could think about. And why not ask with one sitting directly in front of her?

Yukiko's hands did seem to reach toward Mizu's again, but Mizu did not meet her. It was all too strange. And would Yukiko send another ball of light at her?

"I only feel sorrow that you have been so lonely, and perhaps some lament that you and I hadn't been able to do more of this together." Mizu nodded a few times, acknowledging that she had felt loneliness. For almost all of her life, really, even before the war.

"But, no, nothing about what I have learned of you has disappointed me, Mizu." Somehow, however, the reiteration piqued Mizu's concern. There had been some waver in Yukiko's voice, some sticking point. Mizu's eyes narrowed slightly as she tried to guess at what it might be.

"You have allowed yourself crucial human connection, and at the same time held steady in your resolve to do what must be done. Horu herself walks the line of passion and conviction--" Gods, this was all so strange. How to make sense of even one part of it?

"If I am any indication, you have her blessing, in all you have done." Mizu let that stand, wanting to believe it, and in that moment, she thought she understood the human urge to seek comfort from the gods.

"I only have one question for you, which you needn't answer, but... well, I will just ask it, and you can do with it what you will. Do you stand by your reasons for keeping Rhys' identity a secret?"

Mizu blinked once at the question, taken aback. Of all the things the commander thought Yukiko--and Horu--might take offense to, her strategy around Rhys was not among them.

"How would it have served any of us if word got out that Rhys served our cause rather than the king's? Yes, of course I stand by that decision. What would you have had me do otherwise?" At last, a subtle portion of Mizu's defensive anger flared, her confusion from the encounter and her vulnerability making her feel fierce and reactive. This wasn't like her. She shook her head and took a breath, calming down.

"How would it have served any of us if word got out that Rhys served our cause rather than the king's?" Mizu asked, clearly taken aback. "Yes, of course I stand by that decision. What would you have had me do otherwise?"

Yukiko's eyebrows dipped in apology, her head shaking subtly. This wasn't what she wanted. She had no intention of passing judgment on Mizu, and no interest in Mizu defending herself against it. So, now that that was happening... had it been the wrong question to ask, or was something else going on? She worried she didn't have much time to contemplate it, though, Mizu's openness with her now slipping.

"I only ask because, if the goddess of revelation were to have any qualms with you, secrets kept would be my only guess." She raised her hands on either side of her quickly, though, palms out, begging some patience from Mizu as she continued, "But I don't presume to know. I can't see enough of the picture--mine, or yours. I don't judge you for it at all, Mizu, and it's not as though the ember goddess condemns discretion."