Written Wonderland

The corner of Rav's mouth quirked up in a subtle smile, flooding Nick with happy relief. Nick himself broke out into a wide smile, and he stepped past Rav to start leading the way upstairs when the man nodded and made the space. Nick was so unbelievably grateful to already be back to this giddy excitement, marveling at how nearby it had been even through the near-teary tension of a few moments prior. He felt a little absurd about it all, but at least he could revel in the gentle floaty buzziness of this moment now.

Nick led them up the stairs, briefly glancing over his shoulder as he crossed the threshold into the dining room, and then striding past the coffee table to the coat rack/shoe bench by the front door.

Only in that moment did Nick realize that he'd left his jacket downstairs, and it'd probably be awkward to go get it now. Besides, maybe walking Rav all the way out to his car was a bit much? Some part of him had wanted to, but now he questioned it, and contemplated just saying goodbye here at the door; that had been where they'd said hello tonight, anyway. Nick sighed a little, but felt resolved at that, and did not make any move to put his shoes back on.

Nick's wide smile at Rav's agreement assuaged many of Rav's fears that the interaction had gone off the rails again. They were, indeed, salvaging something. Nick went up the stairs, checking once to make sure Rav was following, and led Rav through the living room toward the door.

Once there, though, Nick sighed and faced Rav, waiting.

Looking around to make sure he had gathered everything--jacket, shoes, knee pads, bag--Rav spent a few moments tying up his laces before he finally stood to face Nick again. What a day this had been. From park bathrooms to spicy stories on the couch, it had really been a delight and an adventure--more than Rav could have really hoped for, even if there had been moments of terror. And, in the air was a strong possibility that they would stay in contact, would see each other again.

"Thanks for the snacks and the walk. And, you know, generally, for hosting. It's a nice place. I had a good time. Text you later?" Rav said, trying to sound casual and at least imagining that he was succeeding.

Nick felt a little awkward standing around while Rav got his shoes tied, but he found a slight rocking motion between his heels and the balls of his feet that was a pleasant way to occupy his attention for the brief interlude.

"Thanks for the snacks and the walk," Rav said once he was done, and Nick nodded with a wide smile. "And, you know, generally, for hosting. It's a nice place. I had a good time. Text you later?"

"Yeah," Nick said, a little breathy as a warm fluster started tugging freshly at his attention. They were on the threshold of parting again now, and Nick felt a powerful tug toward contact of some sort. A kiss was still powerfully in his imagination, but he couldn't fathom the path from here to there, and so he studied Rav's face for a moment instead. He contemplated reflecting thanks back to Rav--thanks for his patience, his understanding, his curiosity--but the impulse was coming from a stiff place in his body, and he worried it'd only make him stiffer. He wanted to loosen. So finally, he let himself just say out loud what rested in a place that was warm and loose in his chest.

"I keep thinking about kissing you..." Of course, nervousness flared the instant he said it, and his eyes averted with a crooked smile over toward the shoe bench as a hand came up to rub at the back of his neck. No, he wasn't ready to actually do it. But it was thrilling that he'd said it. He chewed a little on his cheek as he tentatively brought his gaze back, his hand leaving his neck to join the other in hovering palms-out a little above his hips.

"Maybe... would you like a hug?"

"Yeah," Nick said, and with his bag slung over his shoulder, Rav was ready to reach for the doorknob, but something about Nick's eyes stopped him. Nick was still looking at him expectantly, and Rav almost leapt to frustration. They weren't... they couldn't do more right now. Hadn't they established that? The ache in Rav's pants thrashed, and a hot prickle started in Rav's eyes, which might have made them water if they didn't feel so dry.

"I keep thinking about kissing you..." Nick said, and Rav brought a hand to his chest, trying to stay calm. Gods, he wanted that, too, but Nick hadn't exactly given permission. There was a "but" inherent in the statement. Rav closed his eyes and breathed out, trying to steady himself. He could do this. He was almost through. Nick chewed his cheek, and Rav fantasized about opening the door and walking out without saying anything more before he really did start crying.

Nick then brought his hands to either side of his hips as he asked, "Maybe... would you like a hug?"

Rav exhaled again, this one actually causing some relief. A hug he could manage. Putting his bag down momentarily, he walked slowly into the embrace Nick offered, checking in with Nick's body language the whole way. He pulled Nick close, pressing the side of his nose behind Nick's ear. He smelled a little flowery with an underlying musky smell that was sweet and enticing. Rav gently rubbed his head against the side of Nick's and then let go, knowing he really did need to leave now. His ability to trust himself was decreasing by the second.

"See you 'round, Nick," Rav said as he opened and shut the door.

Nick realized with a jolt of panic when he returned his eyes to Rav that his comment had stirred emotion in the man, but thankfully Rav seemed to relax with an exhale after Nick's offer, and he did indeed step into the hug that Nick offered. Nick let out a long exhale himself as he settled into the embrace, savoring this closeness with their arms around each other. Rav even rubbed his head a little against Nick's, sending pleasant singles down Nick's neck, and Nick lightly tightened his embrace and leaned subtly into Rav's nuzzling, welcoming it wholeheartedly.

Rav began to pull back, and Nick couldn't help a small pang of sadness, apparently having hoped to be able to linger in the hug a bit longer. He held the feeling tenderly within his chest, though, and loosened his embrace with only a hint at reluctance, his fingers tugging just slightly at Rav's jacket before fully letting go. Nick didn't want to try to change Rav's mind at all, just... soak in every ounce of the contact that he could while it was still there.

"See you 'round, Nick." Rav said, and Nick nodded, though the man was already opening the door.

Nick stood in the quiet of the apartment for a moment, feeling just a little jittery in the wake of Rav's departure. Had it been a bit abrupt? Had he pushed the hug on Rav? Should he not have said anything about a kiss?

Nick could feel panic rising as his mind raced through more questions, ready to analyze every possible reason why something had felt stiff or abrupt in the end, but he tried to release the impulse with a long exhale as he brought his hands up to his chest, closing his eyes and trying to comfort the sadness and anxiety there.

"Text you later? See you 'round..." Nick replayed Rav's words in his mind, trying to reassure himself that nothing had been ruined in the end. He and Rav had both been through a lot that night, and there was a lot of gravity they were pulling away from--a whole black hole in the basement, after all. Nick sighed and opened his eyes again, looking around at the empty apartment. It was a little bit lonely now, but soon his roommates would reconvene and most likely share tales and laughs togther. Nick wondered what all he would tell them about tonight, but shook his head to wave that off for now. The truth was, right now, he was glad to still have spaciousness to process this on his own, even if there was a lonely feeling to it.

With a slow serenity, Nick deemed that there wasn't really anything to tidy from his time with Rav upstairs, since he'd already put away the snacks, and he locked the door, turning off the light in the front room as he made his way back to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and the pantry, letting his gaze peruse available snacks. He settled on a couple Oreos, which he set on a little plate to take downstairs with him, turning off the kitchen light and rendering the upstairs dark. It was a little bit spooky, truth told, and Nick's heartbeat kicked up in his chest, his breathing a little unsteady as he hurried downstairs and ducked into the couch area, pulling the shower curtain all the way shut.

He calmed a little as he settled down on the couch and set his plate on the table next to his phone, which still gently wafted music into the space. Nick sighed and sat back on the couch, closing his eyes and listening to the music for a moment to relax. He started to get antsy again shortly, though, and darted into his room to grab a blanket and journal before returning to the couch to get comfortable. Its time as a black hole had passed, now that Rav had left... though Nick did find himself wondering in that moment just how far Rav had yet gone. Would he have beelined for his car and driven right off? Had he lingered by the door first, catching his breath much like Nick had done? Had he made it down the stairs or to his car or even into the driver's seat and then hesitated? Was there any chance that Rav was still nearby and contemplating coming back? The thought felt thrilling and terrifying and warm and spooky all at once, and Nick curled up beneath his blanket on the couch seeking comfort. Some part of him liked the idea, but maybe it was the same part of him that had liked the idea of Rav trapping him in his room, or pinning him against the wall in the bathroom.

No, in the end, Nick decided his favorite imagination was that Rav had maybe spent a few moments calming himself down, surely jittery himself just as Nick had been--arguably still was--after their roller coaster of an evening, before at last driving off. Nick wondered what part of town the man lived in, what his drive home would be like. Would he put music on, or enjoy a stretch of silence? Would he be reflecting on the evening, or focusing his thoughts entirely on the drive?

Nick felt a powerful longing in his chest to text the man, and even a fantasy cascading in after that to call him, maybe they could chat more while Rav drove. But, those longings were like the kiss. They felt warm and titillating and potent, and yet... there was something in between where Nick was now and actually wanting these fantasies that danced through him. What was the gap? Why this constant tug-of-war between what he liked the idea of and what he actually wanted?

Finally, Nick reached out to collect an Oreo to take a bite from before setting it back down on the plate, and then, with a resolved sigh, collected his journal to start diving in to see what he could unravel of himself before bed.

Rav shut the door and stared at his hand on the knob a moment, his eyes unfocused. He took a moment to collect himself, suddenly concerned that Nick might look out the window or Nick's roommates might find him here, hovering. After another breath, he turned and started walking toward his car. With a quirk of his lower lip, he remembered the period of the evening he had spent there and the walk before that, seriously considering leaving as he waited for Nick's text. It had come, and Rav had gone back in. And now, he was here, opening his car door again with more feelings in his stomach than he could name.

He messed with his phone, trying to get navigation up, but he gave up for a moment, the brightness of the screen irritating, and he let his head slump on his hands at the steering wheel.

Finally, he picked up his phone and texted Hannah.

So... I had a date with Juicebox.

Maybe she'd be able to talk tonight. But, on some level, Rav probably needed to sort out all his emotions on his own. Eventually, Hannah wouldn't be there to help him. He couldn't keep paying her forever.

Rav got the navigation working and put the phone back in its holder, starting the engine, but he still didn't feel prepared to drive. It was only 15 minutes away, but it felt like forever, and Rav simultaneously wanted to run around the block and hide in the trunk. What was going on with him? Was he excited? Nervous? Horrified? The conglomerate, fused emotion in his gut hung heavy. Or maybe he was just hungry. Or horny. Or...

Rav put the car in drive and started forward. At least he knew that his roommate wouldn't be home when he got there. Place to himself and all the fantasizing he wanted to do. A wave of everything he had kept at bay during his time with Nick threatened to overwhelm Rav's vision, but he held it off, blinking away anything but the road.

To distract himself, he counted lights and lines, never getting far past five or six before he started counting something else. Usually, he liked driving at night--there were fewer cars on the road and more space to spread out, zigzagging between this, that, and the other thing. Now, though, he just wanted to get home.

Ohhhhhhh? Hannah texted back, her message notification covering the navigation for a moment. Rav was tempted to text her back at a stoplight, but he refrained, going back to counting.

But, what was he going to tell her? What was the salient thing? She charged per message, so he couldn't exactly take up her whole evening and not regret it when he got her monthly bill later. He needed to be concise. What did he want her know? What did he need help sorting out?

I keep thinking about kissing you... Nick had said there at the end, and it really summed up exactly what Rav was uncertain about. There was this push-pull with Nick, in the bathroom, on the couch, by the door. I want this, but I'm not actually ready for it. But I want you to know about it. But I don't want you to do anything about it.

And, gods damn it all, Rav could feel the signals from Nick's body. It's not like they were subtle. Nick had been rock hard up against Rav's chest, and it had been fucking divine... while they were telling stories. But the second the story was over...

It had gotten too real.

Maybe there was a reason nothing ever happened with that other boy. Maybe Nick never actually wanted it to.

And where did that leave Rav? He didn't know if he could be content with just getting right up close to what he wanted again and again and again. Rav thought he just might up and crack one day, doing something he regretted. Or maybe he really could just go excuse himself and masturbate in Nick's bathroom, pretending like nothing happened, that he was fine. But was that enough to build a relationship out of? Was that even what Rav wanted with Nick?

Rav did want to see him again. That much was true. Maybe they could just be friends. No, Rav hated that idea--it was too sterile. He sighed loudly, fearing he was no closer to typing a coherent message to Hannah.

When he parallel parked into one of the last spots in front of his apartment, Rav got out of the car and leaned against the passenger side for a moment. He took out a cigarette and lit it, pulling up his conversation with Hannah again.

Yep. He's full of contradictions. Drives me wild. I almost texted you to ask if it was appropriate to go blow off some steam in the bathroom.

As he waited for Hannah's reply, he looked up at the stars, dim in the light of the city but still just barely visible, and wondered what it was all for, life. He had a job, he had a therapist, he hung out with a few friends here and there. His car was fine, his phone was still functional. His sister called him a couple times a year. Was that it? Maybe a partner? Maybe a vacation if he ever managed to save up the money? Was that all his life was meant to be?

Hannah hadn't messaged back, but Rav was almost done with his cigarette. He stubbed it out on the curb and threw the butt into the ashtray on top of the nearest garbage can, heading into his apartment.

Rav wondered what Nick was doing. Probably not thinking existentially about the meaning of life right now. Probably just talking with his roommates or cuddling up on the couch downstairs with that blanket. Rav was grateful he had an idea of where Nick lived now and what it looked like--it was easy to picture it. Did Rav think Nick was doing anything under that blanket? Maybe thinking about the kiss that almost was or the grinding that happened on the couch and completing the story?

No, that didn't seem right. Still too real for Nick, Rav thought.

i didn't, Rav sent in a follow-up text to Hannah.

Rav opened the fridge, trying to figure out what to eat. He settled on some leftover pizza, popping it into his roommate's toaster oven. While he waited for it to heat up, he checked his texts from Hannah.

Aaaand how are you feeling right now?

He typed back and forth with her for a while, continuing even after his pizza was ready. Having already eaten half of it, he signed off from talking with Hannah, thinking about her last remark.

You got this. And you deserve pleasure, Rav.

He certainly had a long overdue date with the bathroom. Or, now that he was home, maybe it didn't need to be in a bathroom specifically. And maybe he could direct his fantasies down paths that he wouldn't hate himself for later.

For a split second, he considered sending Nick a text. Something brief like, Thinking about you, but he worried that would lead to assumptions about what Rav was up to and put unfair pressure on Nick. Frustrated, Rav finished his pizza and threw his phone on his bed, staring at it there half-buried in the sheets for a few minutes.

Finally, he started taking off his clothes. First, his jacket, and then he was down to t-shirt and sweatpants, the same clothes he had hugged Nick in, the same clothes Nick's cock had pulsed against. Did Rav smell like Nick? Quite possibly, although there was probably too much intermingled to tell. Rav stripped off his shirt, pulling it over his head, and turned the overhead light off in favor of the lamp by his bed. Absently, he drew his fingers over his chest, wondering what it would feel like for Nick to touch his bare skin there. Surely wondering was innocent enough. He thought of Nick dancing contact-improv-style with his fingers across Rav's chest, lingering on Rav's nipples as he circled them, dragging his body against Rav's like he had that last time at class.

Rav gasped and gripped at his chest, his fingertips scraping his skin. Too far? Maybe. New direction.

He stroked his own fingers over his chest again, thinking of the pulse of Nick's cock against his sternum and the story about the boy in the blanket room. At least Rav hadn't tried to put a move on Nick in front of anyone. But that wasn't a satisfying direction either.

You deserve pleasure, Rav.

He thought about fantasizing about Hannah instead--there was certainly plenty of fodder there--but that would be the easy way out. He wanted to figure out what felt safe with Nick. What did he want to encourage in himself? Surely there was something?

Maybe he could just start and the path would show itself.

Sliding out of his pants and boxers, Rav stepped in front of his full-length mirror, wondering what Nick would think of his body. He wasn't ripped by any means and was maybe a little on the skinny side, but he didn't think he was unpleasant to look at either. And, certainly, the hardening length at his pelvis was drawing attention. He looked into his own eyes for a moment, searching them. Could he stand to look at himself after tonight? He found that he could. He wasn't disgusted with himself, and that seemed like a really good sign. He took a deep breath and grabbed one of his favorite toys out of his drawer.

He held his silicone fleshlight, artfully sculpted as it was with abstract ridge patterns, and turned it inside out so the textured part was on the inside. He then applied a generous helping of lube and got under his covers, holding the toy at the ready near his cock.

He circled the tip of his cock with the edge of the toy, cold with its lubricant, and pulled to mind what Nick had said there at the end.

I keep thinking about kissing you...

And maybe Rav didn't need to connect what he was doing with the toy to Nick directly. Maybe that was irrelevant. Maybe he could just... think about kissing Nick and, also, independently, be jacking himself off. Right?

Regardless, Rav's mind was already launching into the fantasy, thinking about the theoretical softness of Nick's lips, their warmth, the way Rav's teeth might dare to bite down on Nick's lower lip. And Rav slid his cock into the toy, moaning heavily and turning onto his stomach. It wasn't long until Rav was thinking about that couch and the way Nick's cock had been pressed up against his chest while Rav grinded against the couch. He mimicked his own motion now with the toy in his hand.

But, that was also a dead end. New direction.

He thought about the park bathroom and what might have happened if Nick would have let Rav pin him against the wall... another dead end.

Hannah had said not to assume what Nick did and didn't want. Rav had told her he was full of contradictions, after all, but what did feel possible with him?

Suddenly, they were both dancing nude together in a warm, low-lit room, the colors of the lights fading back and forth between red and orange and purple. No one else was around, and the music from Nick's phone filled the air. The two of them danced like they would during contact improv, starting with just their shoulders leaning together but then more of their bodies exploring each other, not bothering to avoid any particular part but including each and all of them. Nick's arm brushed against Rav's cock, and they didn't stop moving. Rav's pelvis pressed backward onto Nick's hip as they glided along. They both bent their knees until they touched the ground, their chests wrapped about each other until they were fully on the ground, seeking as much skin contact as possible.

Rav imagined kissing up Nick's arm--the only place his lips could reach--and Nick pulled Rav's fingers into his mouth, sucking on them pleasantly. Rav's fingers traced swirling lines down Nick's torso, dancing around his cock and continuing toward Nick's thigh. Then, they changed positions, wrapped around each other in the other direction as Rav kissed down Nick's collarbone, hearing Nick's delicious gasp, which hardened Rav's cock. Rav started to pull away, but his imagination of Nick gripped Rav's length, looking up with a shy blush as his graceful fingers started working up and down.

I quit the band, Rav heard Nick say. Outside the fantasy, Rav's hand moved the toy more quickly, his breath quickened as he surrendered to the fantasy.

Let's keep dancing, the imagination of Nick said, releasing Rav's length and dancing them back to standing. Rav's cock thrashed and pulsed as his hand paused but then kept going again, slower now. In his mind, Rav and Nick danced, curling and gliding around each other faster and faster to more upbeat music now, each of them using the weight of the other's body to keep them upright, their bodies gliding now more with sweat than with flesh until Rav pressed Nick against a wall, breathing heavily, and Nick nodded quickly. Rav did not allow himself a second thought. He turned Nick around, spread his cheeks, and danced his cock slowly into Nick, circling inside him sweetly.

Rav, Nick said breathily as he reached a hand around Rav's low back to pull him closer. Rav, please don't stop. And Rav didn't. He chased his orgasm as he imagined pressing Nick against the wall, and soon the two of them were in a huffing, shivering mess as they slumped back down to the floor together.

Rav opened his eyes back in his bedroom apartment, blinking at the brightness of his lamp. He squeezed the toy around his cock, urging the last few drops of cum into it as he exhaled heavily. Would Nick have approved of the fantasy? It was impossible to know. And maybe, in the end, it wasn't even really about him. It was about what Rav wanted out of all this, at some point, in some way. It was an opportunity for Rav to get to know himself, and that was enough. Hannah had, as always, been right.

Pulling the toy off, Rav went to the bathroom to clean up and then fell, unthinkingly, into bed.

Nick began in his journaling by pondering the moment he'd mentioned the thought of the kiss. He recounted the warmth and excitement he felt in his belly when he pulled up the fantasy--suavely stepping forward, reaching his fingers up into Rav's hair, bringing their lips together, maybe Rav wrapping his hands around Nick's lower back--and then, looking back at the actual moment: Why had Nick decided to name the thought instead of simply act? Answer: He wasn't sure that Rav would actually want a kiss. Nick only wanted a kiss assuming that Rav would want it. The fantasy was a secure, mutual desire, but the actual moment felt foggy and tense. There was a longing for the moment to be different than it was. For Nick to be more confident and suave than he felt. He didn't actually feel like the person in his own fantasy. Maybe Rav wasn't actually the person in his fantasy, either--not in that moment, not after the roller coaster of tension he'd navigated with Nick all evening. Maybe the fantasy was that there hadn't actually been tension at all, or that they'd magically worked through it all by the time they got to Rav's departure, but the truth was that much of it still dangled in the air between them.

Tears were beginning to well up in Nick's eyes, and he paused, wiping them away and taking another bite of an Oreo.

Returning to journaling, Nick tried to focus in on the idea of making peace with the tension that was still between him and Rav. Of course, there was a yearning to get past it, to find a way to feel easy and secure together, where Nick could lean in to kiss the man and feel confident and serene in the gesture. But, they weren't there yet. Sloooooooooow, he wrote in big letters, and let out a sigh, wiping at his teary eyes again.

There was no denying he wished the goodbye had gone differently somehow, though. The departure had just felt so abrupt in the end... Nick's pen trailed off, his mind clicking a parallel sadly into place as the sound of an old front door closing echoed in from a memory. It figured, of course his last big relationship would factor in here. Why wouldn't it? He set his journal down and curled up tightly under the blanket with a deep sigh. He missed his ex; missed having someone to cuddle with; missed the ease of that relationship. Of course he was yearning for that ease back; he still wasn't really at peace with having lost it. It had been taken from him--from both of them--and the tragedy of it still felt utterly unfathomable at times.

Nick let himself cry for a long time.

Slowly, as he came out of it, urges began to emerge to text Rav, to somehow explain this horrible, gaping hole in his chest now that he was letting himself feel it. Maybe it'd help Rav make sense of just how confusing Nick had been, knowing about this ghost, this grief, Nick's own confusion in the face of a loved one becoming practically a stranger overnight. But he'd over-shared and over-explained just enough times to know he'd regret sharing about this right now. Not that he didn't want Rav to know, but.... not all at once, not tonight, not when he feared it'd simply be too much for them both.

Sloooooooooow.

Nick focused on his breathing, his hand pressing against his chest as he inhaled as long as he could, and exhaled even longer. He still had plenty to learn about Rav, and it was okay that Rav still had a lot to learn about him, too. It was okay that he was still learning about himself. It had to be.

Nick finally sat up and nibbled at his other Oreo, his mind reaching for what other comforts he could muster to get himself to sleep tonight. It was tempting to keep reaching for others--maybe a text to Rav that didn't over-explain, but just made a little bid for something; or maybe reaching out to a friend; but Nick dreaded watching his phone like it was the only way he could breathe, and his stomach tightened with the worry that no matter who he reached out to, his grief would feel like too much.

At last, his mind reached back far, far into the past, before he'd even known the kind of ease he now missed. A dream that had kept him company, helping him circle back to a practice that had kept him going through the worst of his recent grief. He began to find his way back to some serenity, to finding spaciousness instead of loneliness in this empty house tonight. Once he finished his Oreo, he brought his plate back upstairs to the kitchen, and stopped by the bathroom to brush his teeth--lamenting perhaps the loss of the sweet taste of his snack, but taking comfort in caring for his body. Back downstairs, he opened the shower curtain and turned off the lights, gathering his journal and phone and blanket to bring into his room. He tucked the journal away, plugged his phone in, spread the blanket back onto the bed, and began to let some of the happier memories from tonight come back in to keep him company as he slowly undressed: intuitive dancing and gentle friction, intimate stories and glimpses into vast unknowns.

The whole evening felt like much more of a success now, freed of the burden of an ease that had never belonged to him and Rav, and to which he and Rav owed nothing. Maybe they would never be easy, but Nick could find ease in his own routines, in the touch of his own fingers against his skin, in the comfort of his own room, in a bed that he had only ever slept in alone. He settled in beneath the sheets and traced his fingertips comfortingly over his inner wrists, his neck, his collar bones, his hips, offering and receiving soothing care that was entirely his own. He did at last begin to feel back into the arousal that had built against Rav's chest, in the gentle friction they'd visited in brief spurts, and his fingers caressed his length with the same soothing touch, sending pleasant shivers through his body. He decided to relish the ache, though; in part, beginning to surrender to the tiredness that began to pull at him. And, in part, embracing inviting Rav into his bed in precisely this way, enjoying his longing for exactly what had happened, not lamenting some unreachable other thing.

Rav awoke to the light of the sun pouring into his eyes from the window, and he blinked and squinted, momentarily confused why his alarm hadn't gone off.

Weekend. It's a thing that happens, he reminded himself. He lay there in bed, appreciating how well he had slept and how well-used he felt. Blowing off steam really had been the right call. He felt much better.

Closing his eyes again, he ran over the events of the previous evening, smiling about when Nick finally did let himself cry. There had been a kind of triumph in that moment for both of them. On some level, Rav wished it hadn't been so difficult and awkward to get there, but... maybe that was the way it was. Relationships took time.

Relationship. That was the second time Rav had thought about that word. It seemed early, but then again, Rav was practicing embracing what he wanted and not just what he assumed other people wanted (or didn't want).

Of course, there was a path from here to there. It wasn't something Rav could decide on his own, and there were a lot of conversations to be had, but... having a star in that sky felt... good.

Rav smiled widely as he rolled over and pulled the covers up around his head.

He didn't want to waste the day sleeping, but he wasn't ready to get out of bed just yet.

He looked at his phone. A few texts from his roommate, a text from his sister, and some emails that could wait. Nothing from Nick.

Rav had said he would text later, though, so maybe Nick was counting on that. It probably didn't mean anything.

He held his phone open with the blank messaging screen ready to text Nick, but he wasn't sure what he wanted to say.

Why is this relevant? he thought, echoing Hannah.

I went to bed thinking about you and woke up thinking about you.

Delete. Too flowery. Very pining. Try again.

Why are you not here in my bed.

Funny. Absolutely not. Delete.

Rav thought about asking Nick what he was up to today, if they might bump into each other at the coffee shop, but eventually, he said, Call me crazy but I enjoy every part of this roller coaster. Where can I get more tickets to go again? I'll take one for Cute-Boy-Crying-on-My-Shoulder and one for I-Quit-the-Band, please.

Nick awoke slowly, loathe in some ways to leave his dream, even if it had been fitful. There was so much his mind still yearned to make sense of. And, there was no avoiding the melancholy of awakening alone, into this world where he might never see his ex again. Quiet tears wet his eyes as he slowly allowed the dream of his old room to give way to this new one, and he loosened his grip on memories of comfort to accept what had followed. He felt heavy as his consciousness fully arrived here. He'd already shed so many tears these past months, it was hard not to feel ridiculous for still having more. Maybe there would always be more. Nick gently nibbled on his lip and pressed fingernails into palms, finding some amount of comfort in the sensations. It helped the gaping emptiness in his chest not feel quite so unbearable.

His phone buzzed.

Adrenalin shot through Nick's body as he blinked over to where his phone lay on the tiny night stand next to him. It was dark--Nick liked it dark for sleeping, though sometimes he wished the curtain would magically open when it was time for him to wake up. And, surely it was time. He may feel soul-weary tired, but he could tell he'd slept a long time. And, someone had just texted him--and there weren't honestly many people he imagined it would be.

There was certainly one impulse to grab the phone immediately and look at the text. His heart thudded, eager and nervous and excited all at once. But, he wanted to shake something off first. He didn't want to greet the day still wallowing in this heavy melancholy. He needed to pull himself out of this, first, instead of reaching for something to help him escape. With a groan, Nick sat up and rubbed at his face, then stretched, and finally shook his arms out a little bit. Then, with a determined breath, he stood up and opened the curtain. The window was small and peeked out on the side of the house just a short distance from a fence, so there wasn't exactly a glowing beam of sunlight to stream in, but there was light nonetheless, and it was good. Nick took in a deep slow breath and let it out in a long sigh, letting his eyes fall shut and remembering the soothing touches he had offered himself last night. He would be okay.

He looked back at his phone, and shyly climbed back into bed, propping himself up against the wall as he unplugged it and turned it on to see who had texted.

It was indeed Rav.

Call me crazy but I enjoy every part of this roller coaster. Where can I get more tickets to go again? I'll take one for Cute-Boy-Crying-on-My-Shoulder and one for I-Quit-the-Band, please.

Nick smiled wide as he read the text, though tears began to form quickly after, also. Nick gathered his knees in his arms and cried again, but at least this time there was relief amidst whatever else. Where can I get more tickets to go again? Rav wanted to see him again, tears and roller coaster and all.

Yet another surge of urgency in Nick beseeched him to text back immediately, to make sure that Rav knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Nick wanted to see him again, too. Maybe they could even meet for coffee today, asap really; Nick could be dressed and out the door in no time flat. But instead Nick slowed his breathing again, touching a hand to his chest to quiet the urgency. He sat back again, sniffling and wiping at his eyes, and he looked over the text again, trying to just feel how the words rippled through his body. There was warmth and giddiness, relief and gratitude. At last the call to begin composing messages back was overpowering the rest of his attention, and he bravely tapped into the reply box, preparing to begin typing.

Of course, all the words his mind had begun composing mentally flew away when it came time to tell his fingers what to actually type. Nick sighed, shaking his head a little at himself. He realized he was still feeling a tug toward what to offer Rav. But what did Nick himself want? He opened his legs into a cross-cross and lowered his phone into his lap, closing his eyes and thinking. He didn't really have plans today, he supposed, but he felt nervous about making plans right now. Maybe he just wanted to be in this present moment, somehow, right here in his bed. What did that look like?

More tickets for those attractions coming soon... Nick typed out tentatively, adding a quietly giggly emoji to the beginning for tone. Currently available: Sleepy-Melancholy-Morning-in-Bed-Chat or Weekend-Morning-Routine-Snapshots. Nick read the text over without sending it, feeling his heart flutter in his chest. He debated adding an expiration time for the first option--he certainly didn't want to accidentally tether himself to this moment if Rav had already moved on--but that seemed a bit overkill. Taking a deep breath, Nick hit send, and set his phone down in his lap, bringing his free hand up to rub at his chest for comfort.