Written Wonderland

Rav stared at his phone but quickly realized that was pointless. Did he really think Nick was going to message back immediately? Rav rarely ever did. With a sigh, he decided getting in the shower was a sensible next step. Some part of him was tempted to just go to the coffee shop on the off chance he would run into Nick there, but that seemed a little over the top. Rav smiled at how ridiculous he was being. He really did like this guy, didn't he?

He sobered, though, wondering if he had gotten ahead of himself. Rav didn't want his fantasy of Nick last night to overpower the real-life version. Nick was... like Rav... a mess. And maybe things wouldn't get less messy. Maybe they would stay in that fantasy space. But, hey, in that case, even more reason to tell Nick about Hannah. Odds were, if he kept spending time with Nick, he was going to need to blow off a lot more steam.

He took a little less time in the shower than he usually did, and he tried to tell himself that wasn't just to check his phone again, but he wasn't so sure. Mussing his hair with a towel and then wrapping it around himself, Rav picked up his phone.

More tickets for those attractions coming soon... Currently available: Sleepy-Melancholy-Morning-in-Bed-Chat or Weekend-Morning-Routine-Snapshots.

It had only been about five minutes since Nick had texted, so maybe he really was still in bed.

Gods, was climbing into bed with melancholy Nick an option, because... that one.

Laughing at himself, Rav texted, Is there, like, a two-for-one deal, or...?

Nick let his thoughts meander in the moments of silence that passed after he sent the text. At first he revisited his dream and surrounding memories, supposing he had given himself some permission to linger a little longer in that melancholy here. Maybe Rav really would join him. Was that strange? To hope that someone he was interested in now might keep him company while he sat in sorrow about the past? It seemed maybe selfish, and... surely unappealing. Nick kept his hand on his chest and left his phone in his lap while his other hand wiped away more tears. He was a mess, and... if he was actually going to get closer with Rav, maybe he needed to just be honest about that.

Nick's phone buzzed, and another shot of adrenalin straightened his spine. He sniffled for a moment, still wiping his eyes, and then with a big exhale, he picked it up to see the notification.

Is there, like, a two-for-one deal, or...?

Nick giggled a little, though his sorrow was heavy around the expression. He also wasn't immediately sure how to respond. On the one hand, it seemed like Rav was interested in interacting here, now, but... how to get started? How to shift from whatever game they were playing into actually interacting? Nick couldn't quite figure it out, though, and he was feeling anxious about leaving Rav waiting for too long here. Maybe he could just bring the game one step closer.

Why yes, if you book Sleepy-Melancholy-Morning-in-Bed-Chat now, you will automatically receive Weekend-Morning-Routine-Snapshots, too.

Nick watched his phone this time, hopeful he and Rav might have synced up now. Sure enough, it wasn't long before Nick saw the indicator that Rav was typing, and Nick smiled, breathing through the butterflies in his chest.

Definitely that option, please. When does this ride begin?

Now, Nick wanted to say, but he supposed that would put Rav in the position of being the one to 'begin'. Nick nibbled on his cheek, pondering how he wanted to start. Did he just... dive right into what was on his mind? But, no, that felt like the over-sharing route. He wanted something from Rav. Not just 'yes please give me the morning in bed chat' but... something about him. So Nick wouldn't just feel like he was letting loose into a void.

To begin, simply pay the entry fee of: a fact of your choosing about your present moment

Nick let out a satisfied sigh when he sent the text, glad that he figured out what he wanted to ask for. Rav's reply did not disappoint.

(Ooh, clever) I am wearing nothing but a towel.

Nick giggled a little more heartily this time, his free hand moving from his chest to cover his face in an instinctive bashfulness.

Well.... That makes you more dressed than I am he typed out, hesitating a brief moment before hitting 'send'.

I fail to see the melancholy. Rav replied.

In truth, Nick's mood had lightened considerably just getting into an exchange. He felt like he'd played their little roller coaster attraction ride well, and he felt proud and playful. But, upon its mention, the melancholy was perfectly happy to come flooding back into his chest, demanding not to be brushed aside. Indeed, Nick had included it in his offering, and now Rav was bringing it back in. Surely, he genuinely did want at least a peek then?

Ah, well. That would be from dreams of times gone by. It is slowly fading in daylight with pleasant company Nick texted.

Ah. Are there other people with me on this ride? Rav replied.

Nick frowned a little, not entirely sure what to say. There was a ghost, maybe, in a certain framing, but Nick didn't think that's what Rav was actually asking about. Seemed more like maybe Rav was hesitant to count himself as pleasant company, which Nick felt a little sad about. He tried for a brief moment to come up with a playful or witty reply, but ultimately, he decided that just succinct honesty would probably be best, here.

Just you and me.

Pleased to be considered pleasant company, then, Mr. Roller Coaster Conductor.

Nick breathed a small sigh of relief, glad that Rav wasn't going to keep dodging the compliment. Then, Rav texted again: What sorts of nostalgia still have you in their clutches?

Nick took in a big breath and sighed it out slowly. He felt glad that Rav was inquiring, but at the same time, he didn't actually know what he wanted to say. He began typing and then deleted his next message many times, approaching it from different angles, including varying amounts of detail, and various disclaimers about not wanting to overshare but being happy to tell Rav whatever he'd like to know. It was all too much, left him feeling too nervous and jittery, feeling perhaps a chill from the void. Finally, he settled on:

My last breakup, I guess.

But as soon as he hit send, the chill still settled in, nervousness squirming in his chest, and he followed up hastily with: Is that scary to hear?

Though, a sensation of cringe tensed in Nick after, but he resolved not to dig himself any further in.

No? Should I be scared? Rav texted back. He kept typing after, and Nick watched his phone intently, but ultimately the man stopped typing without sending any follow-ups. Nick swallowed down a surge of urgency to reassure Rav that no, of course he had nothing to be scared of. But was that even true? Maybe if Rav really was open to Nick's tears and melancholy and all that, but Nick wasn't sure he himself was fully ready to trust that--much less to reasure Rav about it.

No shoulds.

He figured out that was at least the place to start, but he didn't send it yet. He typed a few more things and deleted them as he tried to explain why he'd asked if his last text had been scary to hear. He noticed himself using a lot of 'shoulds' in his explanation. How he felt he 'should' feel after an exciting date; what types of things he 'should' talk about with someone he was... interested in. He shook his head, deleting his explanation once more and trying again.

... Which is probably something I need to take to heart myself, I guess. Just feeling self-conscious about the melancholy. He finally added, and sent his message.

Well, I bought a ticket to this ride, so I would need a refund if there weren't some melancholy. Do you think I tell just anyone that I'm only wearing a towel?. Rav texted back, and Nick smiled crookedly. At least he was being insistently welcoming of the melancholy. Nick felt reassured on that front, but still a little unsure where to go. He started by heart reacting to Rav's message while he thought, and then ultimately just decided to lean on Rav's playfulness for now.

I suppose not.

Good, glad that's settled. Rav replied, and then followed up with:

Are you still in touch with them? Is there, like, a chance of getting back together? Would you want that? No shade at all, just curious.

You and I haven't, like, talked about exclusivity at all, but I'm not necessarily attached to it.

Nick's eyebrows raised with an interesting mixture of relief and curiosity. He was actually quite glad that Rav had asked him some specific questions he could answer, and even more glad that he was broaching the topic of exclusivity. Nick was never sure when the right time was to bring something like that up, and it was a big relief to already have it named--and for Rav to indicate that it wasn't necessarily something he was attached to was even better.

Before Nick could formulate any kind of a reply, though, Rav continued:

Not that, like, we're there yet or anything...
-facepalm-

Nick smiled gently, also oddly relieved to see some awkwardness showing through on Rav's end here. For once, instead of an urgency to reassure, Nick felt a serene confidence that his genuine engagement with all that Rav had said would be reassuring to the man. All Nick had to do was express himself honestly here, and he felt perfectly capable of that in these regards.

Oh, honestly, it's kind of nice to broach that topic.... I'm... Interested in polyamory? My last relationship was polyamorous, and I think that's what I want, like... Philosophically?

But... No. I'm not in touch with this ex.

Rav replied: That's... I'm sorry. I imagine that could be tough. It's hard when someone sort of... disappears out of your life. And then, again, he kept going:

Polyamory is interesting to me, though I don't have much practice. I should tell you about... uh... my relationship with one of my therapists at some point. It's... a little complicated.

Nick raised his eyebrows again at that. And, once more, Rav sent a follow-up reply:

Okay, now I made it sound weird. >< She does surrogate partner therapy to help people move past sexual trauma, and it does involve sex work.
I'd like to keep seeing her--and you--if possible, but I'm willing to explore options if things with you get serious.

Honestly, this was all veeery interesting! Nick felt immensely curious, but was afraid that jumping straight into curiosity might make Rav feel interrogated, so, Nick tried to start with just straightforward reassurance:

I definitely don't want to ask you to end any existing relationships - professional, intimate, both, or otherwise. And honestly like.... Therapeutic sex work sounds pretty cool.

But, something felt lacking in that, and so he elaborated:

Like, I simultaneously feel like I want to ask a million curious questions but also don't even know where to start and also want to respect privacy and etc lol

There was also a little bit of sadness that Rav's initial message of sympathy had gone unacknowledged in all this, and Nick didn't want it to get lost entirely... he went back and heart reacted it, at least, for what that would mean.

Rav replied:

Well, I'm really glad it came up. I was worried it would be a deal breaker, and it just... didn't feel relevant yet.

She's been encouraging me to go on a date for years, so, I think she's really happy about whatever is going on with you and me.

Questions are good. I'm open to whatever you want to know. She gets tested regularly and sends her results over every two months.

Nick felt excited, but maybe starting to teeter on the edge of overwhelmed. Would he and Rav need to talk about, like, testing regimens soon? Surely that was getting ahead of themselves... some shame also warmed Nick's cheeks at some of the less-than-perfect safety practices he'd had in the past...

Rav continued before Nick got too caught up in his own head about things:

Also, like, if you'd prefer to talk about it in person, I'm open to that. No pressure, but I don't really have plans today. Could also probably hang out next weekend.

Nick smiled, exhaling and trying to slow his brain down. Yes, he liked the idea of talking with Rav in person again. But there was a franticness behind it--and he was still sitting naked in bed. He took in a deep, slow breath and let it out before he let himself reply.

Hmmm, I think I'd need to move into Weekend-Morning-Routine-Snapshots before thinking about plans.. He didn't hit send just yet... he debated just going ahead and moving on with his morning routine, since that's where energy seemed to be moving, but it seemed like there was something else he wanted from Rav while he was still in this space. He settled on, Have you enjoyed Sleepy-Melancholy-Morning-in-Bed-Chat?

I have. 4 out of 5 stars. My only complaint is that I was hoping for some waterworks. Guess I'll sit in the splash zone next time.

Nick's smile pulled crookedly to the side with another exhale. Rav's openness to tears almost felt too good to be true, but it was really reassuring. Nick was almost tempted toward finding his way back to tears here--he was sure that he could--but he didn't actually want to. He was in a better mood now, and feeling ready to start his day, and trapping him here in bed in search of tears he'd been with all night would honestly probably make it less likely that he'd get to see Rav today, which seemed silly. Nick nibbled on his lip a bit in thought. He wanted to include some kind of positive affect about sharing tears with Rav, while freeing himself to move on from it for now.

Well, future attractions will probably get deeper into Said Ex, where waterworks seem quite likely, so stay tuned!

Might get more intermittent with texting as I move into Weekend-Morning-Routine-Snapshots, but this attraction comes with photos!

Before sending, Nick turned on his camera to take a selfie, spending a moment trying to frame himself decently in the dim light of the shaded window. His smile was a little shy, and maybe if Rav looked closely he'd see the remnants of tears in his eyes? He wasn't sure. But it was exciting to send a photo of himself, and it gave him the jolt of energy he needed to hop up out of bed again and stretch.

The phone buzzed shortly after, and Nick looked at it to see a photo of Rav. He was facing away from the camera, his head and shoulders framed artfully in the dappled lighting. Nick smiled at it for a long moment, reveling in the splash of warmth he felt in his chest. Nick heart reacted the photo, then set his phone down on his bed and set about picking out an outfit for the day, resolving to trust his own permission to be slower about texting back in favor of actually getting moving.

As he debated different clothes, Nick's mind weighed various pros and cons of getting together with Rav today vs making plans for next weekend vs putting off making plans for now, comparing this situation to Tinder and OkCupid dates over the years and how Nick had felt about various follow-ups. Wasn't this a bit different, though? Rav and Nick had been building a rappot through classes for some time now, not just jumping all in after having only just met. Granted, contact improv class wasn't exactly full of get-to-know-you deep dives, and the get-to-know-you time he and Rav had spent together had been a bit fraught in various ways. Would it be good to slow down? Encourage them both to sink back into their own lives and check back in once they knew they were grounded and not still floating in all that last night was?

Well, right now, Nick was just picking out his outfit for the day. He could at least dress as though he might see Rav. But... what did that even mean today? Well... he wanted to feel cute. Comfortable. Casual. Pants were always a little tricky to balance on those fronts, so he started there, settling on a decently soft and stretchy pair of jeans. Rav had seem him in sweat pants or similar enough at contact improv... it seemed nice to maybe prioritize 'cute' a little more on this front today. He did like to think that this pair framed his hips pretty nicely...

Nick found himself all at once thinking about the boy from high school, his hand in Nick's pants... Rav tapping on Nick's belt after Nick told that story... Nick closed his eyes and breathed deeply, enjoying the memories but keeping an eye on the melancholy close by. Passionate moments at the start of that last big relationship that also involved a hand on his pants... how the same gestures had become not only rare, but hollow-feeling even when they did happen by the end, like something getting checked off a to-do list.

Nick hugged himself a little, sighing deeply. Was this grounding? Or just more swimming? Did Nick even have much to ground himself in? Or was he still looking for somewhere to even land?

With a shaky breath, Nick shook out his hands, and tried to refocus on picking a top. It was tempting to pick a very particular top, maybe reclaim some meaning today... but that was probably too heavy for today to carry. No, in the end Nick went with a top he had gotten since moving here, thrifting with a roommate. Starting this new life. It was a really comfortable material, and he liked how the wide collar framed his shoulders and collar bones. Granted, that thought still invited memories of his ex--lips and teeth on his skin, one of the reasons he liked looser collared shirts. But gosh, how long had it been now? Nick gently caressed his own skin, tilting his head as he looked at himself in the mirror of his closet door. Such a mess inside... but he was feeling cute. Was this crazy? Did he need to banish this ghost before it was actually reasonable to spend more time with Rav? Could he banish this ghost? Did he even want to?

Nick finished off his outfit with a braided belt he liked the texture of and some comfy socks from his sock drawer, though he supposed it wouldn't really be done til he donned his shoes and jacket. ... His jacket that was still out on the couch from last night. Nick almost shyly shuffled his way out of his room to go stand by the couch, letting yet more warmth splash through him as he thought about cuddling there with Rav last night. He really had enjoyed having Rav's weight on him. Even if he had also gotten scared... Why had he gotten scared? Well, he had theories, which he wasn't sure he really wanted to dig into right now. Instead, he just grabbed his jacket to put on, and then ducked back into his room to grab his phone off the bed... and checked to see whether he'd missed anything from Rav in his preparations.

Nick started typing, and Rav looked around his room, wondering if he should do something or just keep sitting here on his bed in his towel. He ran his hand through his hair, still staring at his phone, anxiety creeping in. Was he being greedy?

Nick texted back. Why yes, if you book Sleepy-Melancholy-Morning-in-Bed-Chat now, you will automatically receive Weekend-Morning-Routine-Snapshots, too.

Nick then said the cost of entry was a fact about Rav's present moment. Wow, Nick was really riding the roller coaster metaphor. Nice. This was feeling more and more like a game. Easy. Clever. Rav wondered if this was what flirting was supposed to feel like.

Rav looked around his room, wondering what he could tell Nick. He'd been pretty absorbed in his phone.

Then he looked down and decided to take a chance.

I am wearing nothing but a towel. *-peeking emoji*-

Rav couldn't help wondering if he was coming on too strong when Nick texted back in short order.

Well.... That makes you more dressed than I am.

How did they get here in Melancholy-Bed-Chat?

I fail to see the melancholy, Rav said after a moment.

Ah, well. That would be from dreams of times gone by. It is slowly fading in daylight with pleasant company

Not much to go on. And he deflected with a compliment.

Wait, was it a compliment? Was there someone else in Nick's bed?

That seemed unlikely, but Rav really didn't know Nick. Maybe he and his roommates were like that. They all lived in Portland--anything was possible. Rav couldn't get the possibility out of his head.

Ah. Are there other people with me on this ride?

Nick didn't type for a while, and eventually Rav put down his phone. He probably did need to get on with his day. He started with brushing his teeth, keeping the phone nearby. Soon, it buzzed, and Rav picked it up with his other hand.

Just you and me. Rav stomach flipped. So, yes, confirmed. Compliment. Damn. Rav's cheeks were hot. He finished with his electric toothbrush and rinsed his mouth before replying.

Pleased to be considered pleasant company, then, Mr. Roller Coaster Conductor. What sorts of nostalgia still have you in their clutches?

Because Rav did still want to know. And Nick was going to have to stop dodging if he actually wanted Rav to get to know him.

Nick was typing and then not, typing and then not. Rav put the phone down again, going to get a pair of underwear. After he put it on and considered various options for pants, he heard a buzz and picked up the phone again.

My last breakup, I guess, Nick said, Is that scary to hear?

Rav's neck moved his head backward in surprise. Nick hadn't mentioned an ex. In fact, Rav had thought for a while there that Nick might be a virgin. Maybe not.

No? Should I be scared? Maybe the breakup was recent. Maybe the ex was still in the picture. Maybe the ex was one of the roommates.

Nick was tying and stopping again, and Rav grabbed a pair of black jeans he liked, not sure what the day would hold, putting them on and then choosing some black socks as well.

No shoulds.

... Which is probably something I need to take to heart myself, I guess. Just feeling self-conscious about the melancholy.

Rav had the urge to throw the phone. Or maybe throw something through the phone. But he didn't, confused where the sudden frustration had come from. Here was Nick still anxious about the melancholy. Did Rav or didn't Rav choose this ride? What would it take to convince Nick of that?

Well, I bought a ticket to this ride, so I would need a refund if there weren't some melancholy. Do you think I tell just anyone that I'm only wearing a towel?

Rav might be straight-up chastising Nick now, but if Rav could suck up his self-loathing, than so could Nick. But, just to be safe, he still couched it in their playful metaphor. No reason to get aggressive. Here was hoping it landed well.

*laughing emoji* I suppose not.

All right, good, Rav thought, Nick is resilient enough for some needling. Rav was good at needling.

Back to this ex, though.

Are you still in touch with them? Is there, like, a chance of getting back together? Would you want that? No shade at all, just curious.

Rav waited, and Nick didn't start typing. He read his message over and had the impulse to let Nick know Rav wasn't trying to be jealous, but was that actually true? Okay, Rav was a little jealous, but not in an insurmountable way.

Rav added, You and I haven't, like, talked about exclusivity at all, but I'm not necessarily attached. Before he sent it, he read the text over and over, deciding that "not necessarily attached" could be construed as not being attached to Nick, and that wasn't how Rav felt at all. So he changed it.

You and I haven't, like, talked about exclusivity at all, but I'm not necessarily attached to it.

But then Rav wondered if he was altogether jumping the gun here, so he quickly added, Not that, like, we're there yet or anything...

Wow, he was being ridiculous.

*-facepalm*- he added for playfulness.

Rav had a hard time tearing himself away from the screen, but he managed to hang his towel up and do few stretches of his neck before his phone buzzed in his hand.

Oh, honestly, it's kind of nice to broach that topic.... I'm... Interested in polyamory? My last relationship was polyamorous, and I think that's what I want, like... Philosophically?

But... No. I'm not in touch with this ex.

Rav raised his eyebrows. Well, that was... unexpected. This was going to make things with Hannah easier. At least, Rav hoped that would be the case. But Nick made it sound like there wasn't anyone else right now, and a little prickle of pride started building in Rav's stomach.

Then he reread the last line of Nick's message. Not in touch with this ex. Rav couldn't help but feel a little relieved, but then he felt guilty about that. This was the thing Nick was melancholy about. Rav needed to pay attention.

That's... I'm sorry. I imagine that could be tough. It's hard when someone sort of... disappears out of your life. Rav knew all too well what that could feel like, even if that hadn't been something that happened with a partner. He'd lost many friends and both of his parents, at least, in terms of contact.

He shook himself from getting into his own melancholy and added messages to Nick.

Polyamory is interesting to me, though I don't have much practice. I should tell you about... uh... my relationship with one of my therapists at some point. It's... a little complicated.

Rav sent it but then reread it and worried that it sounded like he had an inappropriate relationship with a therapist. No, no. Wait.


Okay, now I made it sound weird. >< She does surrogate partner therapy to help people move past sexual trauma, and it does involve sex work.
I'd like to keep seeing her--and you--if possible, but I'm willing to explore options if things with you get serious.

Rav had the impulse to walk back the "get serious" phrasing, but he had already sent four separate messages, and he needed to calm down. Nick was following him so far, and it was good to be honest about this.

He didn't want to give up Hannah, but that was always the hope--that Rav would get to the point where he didn't need her anymore. Maybe this was the moment.

I definitely don't want to ask you to end any existing relationships - professional, intimate, both, or otherwise. And honestly like.... Therapeutic sex work sounds pretty cool. Like, I simultaneously feel like I want to ask a million curious questions but also don't even know where to start and also want to respect privacy and etc lol

Rav let out a long exhale, grateful he didn't need to consider sending Hannah packing.

Quickly, he was typing a long response, Well, I'm really glad it came up. I was worried it would be a deal breaker, and it just... didn't feel relevant yet.

She's been encouraging me to go on a date for years, so, I think she's really happy about whatever is going on with you and me. He kept going with Questions are good. I'm open to whatever you want to know. She gets tested regularly and sends her results over every two months.

He worried that that might not seem like enough of a precaution to Nick, and he thought about trying to explain further, but he wondered if maybe they should save those kinds of deeper conversations for when they were in person and could be more nuanced.

To wit...

Also, like, if you'd prefer to talk about it in person, I'm open to that. No pressure, but I don't really have plans today. Could also probably hang out next weekend.

Rav's stomach flipped again. What had once been a fantasy--seeing Nick two days in a row--was now a possibility. On the table.

Rav thought about offering a weekday night as well, but he didn't want to have to check his calendar, and giving more options felt over the top.

Hmmm, I think I'd need to move into Weekend-Morning-Routine-Snapshots before thinking about plans. Have you enjoyed Sleepy-Melancholy-Morning-in-Bed-Chat?

Rav's first thought was disappointment, and his second was that that response should have been obvious. Nick was more into the fantasy of it all, remember? Maybe he would dangle Rav over the possibility of meeting up indefinitely.

But that also wasn't fair. Nick was being honest with him, and they were back to their roller coaster metaphor. Nick was correct--Rav had asked for both. Maybe it would be nice to get to know Nick better this way and then Rav could still have his day to himself, more or less.

I have. 4 out of 5 stars. My only complaint is that I was hoping for some waterworks. Guess I'll sit in the splash zone next time. He felt witty and clever, and it still felt relatively effortless, at least when he hadn't been feeling anxious. The metaphors did a lot to mask it, he decided.

Well, future attractions will probably get deeper into Said Ex, where waterworks seem quite likely, so stay tuned!

Rav was grateful they were still being playful, but he wasn't sure he liked the idea that THE EX (TM) was going to be a regular occurrence, like a ghost prepared to sneak up and haunt them both at any time. Then again, Rav had plenty of his own ghosts; they just weren't usually the romantic type, not for a while at least.

How long ago did Nick break up with the ex? Was this a recent thing?

Nick texted again, Might get more intermittent with texting as I move into Weekend-Morning-Routine-Snapshots, but this attraction comes with photos!

Not the right time to ask, then. Rav almost put his phone down, but then Nick sent a photo of himself sitting up in bed against the wall, down to his shoulders. No shirt, Rav thought, his mouth watering. His mind skipped back to his fantasy from last night when Rav had tried to pull away, but Nick had gently reached out and grabbed Rav's length to prevent him from it.

That wasn't the same Nick, Rav reminded himself, but it didn't seem like his body much cared about the distinction.

What now? Should Rav send a photo back? It maybe wasn't part of the ride officially, but then again, payment had been a present-moment fact. Maybe Rav could put another token in for good measure.

He looked around at the shadows in his room, moving into a better lighting position--one skill he'd picked up from his sister's journalism obsession--and intentionally looked away from the camera after looking straight on looked... staged. He sent it to Nick without much thought, pleased that he had managed to share the same amount of collarbone. Nick heart-reacted, but there was no typing.

Okay, time to start the routine, then.

Did Rav have a routine? He probably needed a shirt. There was, he supposed, still a non-zero chance that he was going to go to coffee with Nick, so he put on one of his nicer long sleeve shirts that he frequently wore under his scrubs because it was soft and the fabric was thin.

You look like you're dressed for a funeral, Tia's voice in his head reminded him.

Yeah, well, we can't all have pink scarves, he said back to her, the same response he always gave her.

He put on a necklace with a piece of red stone wrapped with wire as a tiny pop of color. He supposed he should, like, go through his mail eventually. And he'd needed to feed his roommate's cat.

Should he make breakfast? It would be nice to have breakfast out, but he wasn't going to count on going out with Nick. They had mentioned the coffee shop, and that wasn't exactly a cafe. Maybe Rav should eat something.

He started pulling ingredients out for a bagel and eggs.

No text from Rav just yet. Perfectly reasonable. Nick pulled his camera up, pondering another selfie. Maybe he was tired of being in his room, though. The wall paneling just was not his vibe, and there wasn't really another background available here.

So, Nick turned his room light off and started to head upstairs, but then paused and looked back toward the couch nook with some curiosity. He had genuinely visited the nook this morning in the course of getting dressed... Nick meandered back over to the couch and turned on the lamp and string lights to augment the natural light from the tiny corner window, and then played around with possible selfies again, not actually taking any photos yet but just framing things, pondering the artistic and communicative merits. He wasn't actually very practiced at this, but it was a fun lens to ponder through.

Mostly, he was hemming and hawing about whether bringing the couch back into their interactions this morning was what he really wanted. There had been good moments there, for sure, and there had been tense moments. Maybe Nick needed some more space from it still, even though he'd enjoyed revisiting it himself when he'd grabbed his jacket in private.

So, with a light sigh, Nick turned the lamp and string lights off again, and then turned on the light by the washer and dryer. He toyed with trying to pose in front of them, maybe in a humorous way, but he just wasn't feeling it. He next considered maybe the curtain by the couch from this side--reference the couch without actually showing it. He did actually take a couple photos there, but ultimately the seascape of the shower curtain felt busy, and maybe, even out of sight, the couch was still just a little bit too much of a black hole.

Nick sighed more deeply and opened the shower curtain again to let the couch breathe, and then finally got a selfie he was happy with at the bottom of the stairs.

All dressed and preparing myself to emerge from the basement's depths. He typed, and attached a photo of himself looking up into the stairwell with a playful, wide-eyed trepidation. The contrast from his well-lit face and shirt and jacket against the dark stairwell behind him came out pretty well, he thought, and the expression seemed playful in a way he was optimistic would land well. And... it kinda showed off his neck in a way he liked, but without that necessarily being the central focus of the photo.

Though Rav kept checking his phone to look for notifications, Nick hadn't messaged yet. In fact, Rav made it through slicing and cream cheesing his bagel, preparing the tomato and avocado, and putting the egg in the pan before his phone vibrated. But, with the egg in the pan, he really couldn't pay attention just yet unless he wanted eggs over hard, which... no. Who even orders that?

So, despite the fluttering feeling in his stomach, he staunchly did not look at his phone until the egg was safely situated atop the vegetables. Rav then added some habanero hot sauce and set the spinach on the top half of the bagel. He arranged it in a slightly more appealing way, one half diagonal from the other, and then stopped playing with his food to check his phone.

There was a photo from Nick. He was standing at the base of his stairway, and though his face was well lit in an appealing warm light, the stairwell itself was dark.

All dressed and preparing myself to emerge from the basement's depths. There was still a peek of Nick's collarbone, which prompted Rav to flick back to the first photo again, his imagination revving up and ready for fantasizing. But, Rav had a nice, hot breakfast to eat. The urge to send Nick another photo was strong, and he had certainly plated his food as though that was going to happen. Well, no point turning around now. This was going to be a mutual roller coaster ride.

Just you and me.

Rav picked up a fork and poked the edge of the egg so that its contents gently oozed out over the side, draping themselves over the avocado and tomato before hitting the bottom half of the bagel and then the plate. Gods, this was... actually kind of fun.

Picking up his phone, he took the photo from the best lighting angle, the oozing drips glistening with freshness.

This bagel sandwich believes in you, Rav texted.

Nick remained there at the bottom of the stairs for a long moment, perhaps over-eager for Rav to respond, or perhaps just mildly entranced by his own photo. Maybe both. But, a long enough moment passed during which there was no reaction nor indication that Rav was typing, and Nick managed to break his attention away, turn off the basement light, and head upstairs.

Kaila was in the kitchen cooking, apparently having quietly arrived home sometime in the night. She tossed Nick a nod of greeting over her shoulder. Nick smiled and nodded in turn before ducking into the bathroom. He checked the bathroom's other door to ensure it was shut--it was--and wondered if Sonya had also snuck in, or whether she'd slept elsewhere.

Nick's phone buzzed, and he immediately looked at it.

This bagel sandwich believes in you, Rav texted, with a nicely-framed photo of a breakfast sandwich complete with veggies and a nicely oozing egg. Nick giggled with soft delight and heart reacted to the photo. Though, some small bit of disappointment settled in--Rav was already up and making breakfast, so meeting up for breakfast was a ship that had already sailed he supposed. That was fine, though. The path to meeting up for breakfast would have been a rushed path, and they were going slow. They were on the ride they needed to be on right now.

Nick took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, looking around the bathroom to ponder his next photo. Would it be weird to send a photo in the bathroom? .... What had he even come in here for, come to think of it? It hadn't just been shyness around Kaila, had it? Ah. Nick's cheeks warmed a little as his bladder demanded his attention in earnest. That, uh, wasn't really snapshot material, he didn't think, but that was okay, too. He set the phone down on the back of the toilet, relieved himself, and washed his hands, supposing his bathroom visit could go un-remarked upon.

Bravely exiting the bathroom, Nick strode into the kitchen, pondering his own breakfast.

"Morning," Kaila greeted, and Nick echoed the greeting warmly as he opened the fridge to contemplate his options.

"Sooooo, how was the daaaaate?" Kaila asked playfully as she scooped her eggs over some reheated veggies. Nick grinned crookedly and closed the fridge, not wanting to keep it open while his attention wasn't actually able to process what he was seeing.

"Good," he said, turning around to face Kaila. "We're swapping photos about our mornings. Can I send him one of you?"

"Hah, sure." Kaila grinned as Nick shuffled over next to her and they both settled in for a selfie together, Kaila offering a mildly challenging smirk with a raised eyebrow while Nick smiled serenely. The lighting in the kitchen wasn't the best, and Nick's nerves also meant the framing wasn't particularly thoughtful, but it seemed good enough to get the moment across. Nick moved back over near the fridge and leaned his hip against the counter to send the photo.

Thank you, bagel sandwich. Lend me strength as I brave morning kitchen roomie conversation.

Nick's heart reaction came quickly afterward, and it gave Rav that little prickle of pride in his chest again to think that Nick was looking at his phone so immediately.

Rav set his phone down, staring at the wall and thinking about where that sensation was coming from.

It felt like... Nick had fallen into a trap. Rav had caught him.

Gods, no. Plenty of people experience excitement when someone texts them. Rav was experiencing excitement. It wasn't as though this was all some elaborate ruse to... to...

No, Rav thought, I've made my intentions plenty clear. But what came to mind was the bathroom when Rav asked if he could pin Nick and the moment in Nick's bedroom when Rav didn't want to get out of the doorway. What was wrong with him?

Rav looked down at his bagel sandwich, and though his stomach suddenly had no interest in eating, he placed the top bagel on the bottom one, squished it so the egg oozed mostly in the middle of the bagel, and took a bite, chewing thoughtfully.

He knew that plenty of people had fantasies of tying others up, and surely they got off on that in some way, right? There was a reasonable thrill in at least pretending that there was no escape?

But why did Rav want that? There was a prickle in his eye now as he absently took another bite of his bagel, barely tasting it as his vision became unfocused and glassy, the corners of his mouth falling into a frown.

He closed his eyes. This wasn't going to get him anywhere. So, okay, let's say he wanted to trap Nick. Then what? Was it a trap for the sake of itself, or...?

I want to hold Nick by the throat and squeeze, watching his eyes roll back as I slide two fingers under his belt and...

Rav opened his eyes, horrified with himself. It was exactly the kind of fantasy he tried not to think about last night. He wiped a bit of egg yolk from the corner of his mouth and tasted the bagel a little more this time. It was good. His favorite, really.

His phone buzzed, and he picked it up with the hand not covered in yolk.

Thank you, bagel sandwich. Lend me strength as I brave morning kitchen roomie conversation.

Rav raised both eyebrows at the picture of Nick and his roommate, her single eyebrow judging Rav all the way from there. But the playfulness of the text thread lightened Rav's mood again. There was no dark corner that Rav was shoving Nick into right now. They were just talking. People were allowed to talk.

Setting his phone down again, Rav put the rest of his messy sandwich down also and hung his head, keeping his hands away from getting anything else dirty.

His eyes watered, and he stared at the dingy floor. The cat stepped over to him, looking up at him like he might give her some food. Rav shook his head at her.

"It's all a trap, kitten," he told her, and she meowed.

Rav closed his eyes and leaned his head back, feeling ridiculous meditating with egg yolk on his hands but not really knowing what else to do if he wanted out of this funk.

What would Hannah say to him?

Rav deserved to have a good time. No one acts on all their fantasies. Nick was choosing what he wanted--Rav wasn't trying to fool him into anything. Rav needed to trust Nick to make his own calculations about risk management.

Was it really any wonder that Nick was keeping Rav at arm's length?

I keep thinking about kissing you, Nick had said, like there was a "but." And, of course there was. Rav was a rapist. Sane people don't go around kissing rapists.

Rav stood up, needing some movement lest he throw the plate across the room, and that wouldn't be fair to the cat. Or the plate. Not knowing what else to do, he washed his hands even though he still had more bagel to eat.

He hadn't sent a photo back to Nick, and maybe Nick would move on and send another one soon. Maybe Rav just wouldn't reply. Ever. He'd probably be doing Nick a favor. Nick would surely be safer if he just stopped now, accepted the heartbreak and moved on with his life.

Heartbreak, Rav thought, and he brought a knuckle to his chest, not caring about the water splotch he was getting on his shirt. And there was a sensation there, not just about Nick but about how much Rav had denied himself over these past few years because he couldn't believe he deserved it. His vision started to darken at the edges, and his breathing picked up. He had to consciously take deeper breaths to calm himself down. Finally, he collapsed and sat down on his feet on the floor, utterly unsure of what to do as he stared unblinkingly at the linoleum tile.

How could he claw himself back out of this hole? What had worked in the past?

Start from the beginning.

You've worked with a therapist. You know the factors that caused the incident. You know now that intoxication makes consent messy if not impossible. You're allowed to make mistakes. You just need to learn from those mistakes, and if you stop trying altogether, you'll never improve.

That seemed to help his breathing come a little easier.

The cat came over and stepped up on his folded legs, and he finally caved, petting her head as she pushed up into his hand. He smiled slightly. Well, he wasn't trying to trap this cat. This cat was probably safe from him. And his roommates were safe. And, most of the time, Nick was even probably safe. Rav had no intentions of letting his fantasies take over his agency. He also had a choice in the matter, no matter how excited his body could get. And he'd been exercising that choice.

He couldn't help but think about how Hannah had teased his cock relentlessly at his request so he could prove to himself that he could stop himself from acting on his impulses, and he had cried or safe-worded before he had done anything to her he said he wouldn't do. He could do the same for Nick, surely.

He had to try. And he couldn't call it off on Nick's behalf. That simply wasn't fair.

Rav gave the cat one last head pat and stood up, washing his hands one more time before going back to his phone and his sandwich.

((OOC: Let me know if Nick wouldn't have sent something else, and I can keep going.))

Nick once again lingered at his phone for a moment, but once again Rav showed no sign of response. He pulled himself away from it more quickly this time, self-conscious of Kaila's attention even as she carried on seasoning her eggs and ultimately moving into the dining room to sit down at the table. Nick returned to opening the fridge and pondering food there. He wasn't quite hungry yet, he supposed, but he would be, at some point, and probably sooner rather than later.

He decided to just grab the sliced fruit and cheese he'd put away last night, and very nearly just brought the tupperwares out to the table to eat from, but he hesitated as his mind started to return to Rav, and what his next photo to the man might be. In that frame, he grabbed a plate and began arranging snacks on it in an aesthetic array.

"So, what's a good date look like for a Nick?" Kaila asked from the dining room. "Besides just swapping photos in the morning--which, don't get me wrong, is outstandingly gay, but you should know, my curiosity is insatiable."

Nick giggled and continued arranging his snack plate for a moment as he pondered what he genuinely wanted to share with Kaila. Maybe just the broad strokes.

"Well, we did some contact improv, went for a walk in the park, and then came back here and talked. Shared some emotional stuff, swapped some stories, affirmed interest in seeing each other again." There was a brief impulse to acknowledge some of the sexual tension, but he wasn't sure he really wanted to get into that with Kaila, especially not this morning. "How about you," he asked, genuinely curious and also deciding he'd be better off shifting attention off of himself for the moment. "How was your night?"

Luckily, Kaila was just as happy to launch into her own tale about her evening, and he patiently finished arranging his plate while he listened. She was good at setting a scene, establishing the characters, building anticipation. It almost distracted Nick from his own activity, and for true, he probably took longer than he would have otherwise fussing with the arrangement on the plate and the ensuing photographing, shifting it into different spots of light and spinning it to different angles before finally snapping a shot.

He hesitated sending the photo, clocking that not only had Rav not replied yet, but he hadn't even reacted. He was probably just busy eating a bagel sandwich drippy with egg, of course... it was probably fine to double-message right now? Besides, weren't they kind of in a context of like, Rav having signed up for an attraction, so to speak? Not that Nick should go out of his way to entertain the man, he knew, but... he already had a photo at the ready, was it silly not to just go ahead and send it?

"Okay hold up what is happening." Kaila asked flatly from the dining room, raising her eyebrow at Nick through the breakfast bar window. Nick had been staring with a probably pretty transparent look of consternation on his face, he supposed, and he smiled sheepishly at Kaila, having been caught out.

"I just... uh, getting in my head about the ettiquette around double-messaging when swapping photos like this, I guess. It's silly. I just haven't actually done stuff like this very much."

"Adorable." Kaila circled her fork at Nick in the air, offering a reassuring smile. "You want any advice? Or just another brain to listen to what you're thinking? Or for me to shut up and just let you think?"

Nick giggled, amused but maybe also a little nervous. Sometimes Kaila's abrupt demeanor still caught him off guard. She shrugged and went back to eating, presumably defaulting to the last option unless or until Nick bid otherwise. Nick sighed a little, feeling both awkward and grateful, and looked back down at his phone, at the last photo he'd sent of himself and Kaila to Rav.

Just you and me. Rav wasn't feeling betrayed that Nick was interacting with someone else now, was he? Nick's brow drew back together in concern, but he tried to go back to the narrative that Rav was probably just busy eating with messy hands. In that light, some part of his mind wondered about not sending anything yet, since Rav might not even be able to pick up his phone to look at it right now anyway. But... he was proud of this photo he'd taken of the fruit and cheese! This was so silly. This was soooooo silly.

"Advice, please." Nick raised his eyebrows sheepishly at Kaila. "I'm being ridiculous."

"Then just send the dang photo. And then come eat your dang snack plate and listen to my dang story and don't check your phone again even if it buzzes, until I'm done talking or you're done listening to me. Since you asked for my advice."

Nick pulled his smile crookedly to the side, and then turned around to lean against the counter with his back to Kaila as he tried to work up the resolve to send his dang photo.

Revisiting snacks from last night while listening to my roomie regale me about her evening adventures.

Nick breathed a sigh of relief when he clicked 'send', and then put away the extra fruit and cheese, and finally brought his plate over to the dining room table, at which point Kaila launched seamlessly back into her story.

Rav was taking deep breaths again and managed to pick his sandwich back up, finishing the lukewarm combination. It was still tasty, and he was glad he had made it, even if there had been many interruptions. Was he safely out of the funk now? It was honestly difficult to tell without another human in the room. He didn't know if he could speak comfortably again yet, and there was still a heavy weight on his chest. But, he was eating, and that was something.

His phone buzzed, and he picked it up, finding a photo of some fruit and cheese on a plate in a warm splash of light. Rav's stomach flipped, and his eyes watered as he looked at the text underneath. Revisiting snacks from last night while listening to my roomie regale me about her evening adventures.

A small smile quirked in the corner of Rav's mouth, thinking about the moment in the kitchen with Nick, shortly after Rav had opted out of blowing off steam in Nick's bathroom. There really had been some lovely and delicious moments last night, and whatever happened from here, Rav would treasure them.

Taking a few moments to finish his bagel and wash the rest of it down with a few gulps of water, Rav looked at the cat where she had jumped onto the bench. She took his attention as permission to come stand on his thighs. Rav shook his head at her. She didn't have to worry about consent. Maybe that was an easier life, but it might not be a fulfilling one. Rav was a human, and that came with pros as well as cons, responsibilities as well as opportunities.

With a deep breath, Rav switched his phone to camera mode and snapped a photo just as the cat stood up to paw at his chest. The photo was a little blurry with movement, but it captured the cat looking straight at the camera and had a good view of the small amount of neck showing at the collar of Rav's shirt.

Looking at Nick's text and photos again, Rav pet the cat to calm her down, and finally she laid down on Rav's legs, satisfied with him scratching the back of her neck and pulling it up slightly.

Rav almost wanted to ask if there were any park bathrooms in Nick's roommate's story, but he feared that would send him straight back into his black hole, and he wasn't ready for that just yet.

She looks a little like she might eat me for breakfast. Lol.

Then, in a separate message. I didn't realize I could be so nostalgic about fruit.

And, finally, he sent the photo of the cat with the caption, The cat wants my roommate to come home, but she supposes I am acceptable for now.

For a few bites into Kaila's story, Nick's mind was admittedly still on the photo he'd just sent, a subtle buzz of anxiousness hovering in his chest and keeping vigilant for any sound of the phone vibrating. But he reminded himself that he had, in a way, agreed not to look at his phone while Kaila told her story, and that helped him set it down and finally he got his mind to sink more deeply into the scene she was describing, his body releasing its buzzing to instead feel through the emotional beats of her tale, mostly cycling through intrigue, humor, anticipation, and surprise. Kaila really knew how to enjoy herself, Nick thought.

Buzz.
Buzz.
Buzz.

The first buzz, Nick might have handled in stride. He'd been braced for it, on some level--simultaneously hopeful to hear it and prepared to let it pass for a little while. But the second and third built on each other, Nick's eyes growing wider and his attention getting pulled back into his phone, wondering what small cascade of communication had just come through.

"You realllyyyyyy wanna check that, huh?" Kaila poked her fork in the air at Nick with a playful smirk.

"Yesssss...." Nick said hesitantly, but was keeping his hands off his phone for now, albeit a little tensely, as he blinked wide-eyed at Kaila, almost apologetic, certainly a bit sheepish. "I really was enjoying your story, though."

Kaila tilted her head with a curious raise of her eyebrow.

"I know." She finally said, returning her expression to a playful smirk as she scooped some more eggy vegetables into her mouth and chewed, nodding permissively down to Nick's phone and back to Nick's eyes with a shrug.

Nick shyly nibbled at another piece of cheese, eyeing his phone like a feral cat he really wanted to pet but wasn't sure that he should. But, now Kaila wasn't even telling her story anymore, and he burned with curiosity to know what Rav had messaged. Slowly, carefully, Nick reached over and picked up his phone.

The cat wants my roommate to come home...

Nick's eyes instinctively read the start of the notification while his fingers unlocked the screen to see Rav's full messages.

She looks a little like she might eat me for breakfast. Lol.

I didn't realize I could be so nostalgic about fruit.

The cat wants my roommate to come home, but she supposes I am acceptable for now.

And then a cute, kinda blurry photo of a cat standing up to paw at Rav's chest, while looking right into the camera. It also had the benefit of sharing a snapshot of Rav's shirt, a little neck peeking out of his collar. Nick smiled serenely, enjoying the warmth in his chest.

"Okay but if you're gonna look at your phone at the table with me looking like that you gotta share soooomething." Kaila chided playfully, poking her fork in Nick's direction again. Nick glanced up briefly and giggled as he looked back down at the phone, pondering what he wanted to share.

"He said you look like you might eat him for breakfast."

"Hah! Delightful. I take it I didn't scare him off, though?"

Nick shook his head, his eyes focused on the next message, I didn't realize I could be so nostalgic about fruit. He'd been pondering what he might want to share with Kaila about it, but also just felt... elated. Nick loved that text for reasons he couldn't even articulate, and he wasn't sure he even knew how to share about it with Kaila--just reading the text itself wouldn't really give her enough context to understand it, and the prospect of explaining the context was... unappealing.

So, feeling the urge to share something else with Kaila, he moved on to the last text.

"And then he shared a photo of his cat. Well, his roommate's cat." Which, brought to mind a different thought entirely, and Nick lifted his gaze to Kaila with slightly widened eyes again. "Do you know if Sonya came back last night?"

Kaila shrugged. "I reckon not, or she came back realllll late and is still sleeping in." And then, sensing Nick's directionality, added, "I wouldn't worry about the cats, unless she talked to you about any specific plans today."

Nick shook his head. They'd talked about having the cats confined to Sonya's room for his date with Rav, but they hadn't specified if or when Nick should let the cats out. Maybe they should have?

Nick switched over to his text chat with Sonya and inquired, Should I let the cats out?

He felt awkward, like maybe he should have thought about that and let them out before he went to bed last night, but at the same time, he liked to think he would have if he'd specifically agreed to, but they just hadn't specified. He supposed he felt a bit embarrassed that he hadn't thought to specify when they'd talked about it.

Kaila got up from the table and walked into the kitchen, apparently done eating, and she set to washing her dishes. Nick nibbled another piece of cheese in thought. He probably shouldn't tether himself to waiting for Sonya's reply. He switched back to his messages with Rav, admiring Rav's photo of his roommate's cat again. It would probably be fun to share a photo of his own roommate's cats? Maybe Nick wanted to let the cats out? But would that be an overstep? What if Sonya was here and just still asleep? Or what if she didn't want Nick going in her room when she wasn't here?

Nick sighed, wiping a hand down his face with some exasperation. He imagined asking Kaila for advice again--might have, even, if he didn't have the sound of the faucet to contend with. But honestly, on some level, he should probably figure out this pickle on his own; he'd certainly gotten himself into it. Closing his eyes and breathing out slowly, Nick assured himself that the cats had everything they needed in Sonya's room. They might like more space, and certainly attention, but they would be okay. Sonya would be back to tend to them at some point, or she'd reach out to ask for help if she needed it. It might be fun to take a photo of the cats, but Nick didn't really want to go into Sonya's room unprompted to get it.

The phone buzzed. Nick jolted a little, but encouraged himself to exhale another deep breath before he looked at it.

You're welcome to if you want snuggles! Otherwise don't worry about it, I'll be home in a couple hours to give 'em lots of love.

Nick sighed with relief, freed from worry about what Sonya might have wanted or expected him to do. Did this change what he wanted, though?

"Are you gonna be around for the next couple hours?" Nick asked, glad Kaila was done with the faucet. She finished drying off her hands and then moseyed over to lean her hip against the breakfast bar.

"Why ever do you ask?" she inquired with a raised eyebrow. Nick chewed on his cheek for a moment, his eyes roaming down to his phone before returning sheepishly to Kaila as he shook his head.

"Mmmmm, never mind. It was about the cats. I'm just gonna leave them alone, I think. Sonya said she'll be home in a couple hours."

"And here I thought you might be considering a board game or something." Kaila playfully rolled her eyes. "So, how about you, then? Plans today?"

Nick looked back down to his phone with a crooked smile.

"...Maybe? Rav said he's available. And I kind of want to see him again. But is that like... too much? Two days in a row?"

"Mmmm, I'm gonna let you decide that one for yourself, ya weirdo." Kaila sauntered across the dining room behind Nick, playfully bopping him on the back of the head as she passed him by. "I'm gonna claim the shower here in a minute," she added over her shoulder before continuing on through the living room and heading toward her room.

Nick sighed again, pulling Rav's messages back up on his phone and nibbling a slice of fruit. His mind searched for what photo he might want to send, now that he'd ruled out the cats, but a selfie of sitting alone at the table with his half-eaten snack plate in the wake of a kind of ridiculous dilemma about his roommate's cats felt... well, kind of ridiculous. Maybe it was okay to just text for now.

First, replying to the cat photo. Cuuuuuuuuuute. Maybe I should introduce you to my roomie's cats next time.

Then, he laugh reacted the message about Kaila, and heart reacted the message about the fruit, before pausing and favoring his next bite a little more, feeling the warmth of the word nostalgic sinking back into his chest again.

Then, with a deep breath, he typed out, Iiiiiiiif we were to get together today.... what sounds good? He started typing out a list of options, but ultimately decided to delete that and send the question on its own.