Written Wonderland

Rav stepped away from the counter and turned to look at the rest of the coffee shop for the first time. It was rare that Rav didn't assess the environment at the first opportunity--sloppy, honestly. But there was probably no one who was going to jump out from the potted plants with a knife at this coffee shop. There were too many onlookers.

Looking back briefly, Rav watched Nick smoothly hand the barista his card. Rav shook his head, still amazed he had let Nick pay. Afterward, Nick stepped up to survey the half-full room, and before Rav could suggest a place himself, Nick looked at Rav and then stepped toward a table, gesturing at it once he had arrived.

"This look good?"

The table in question was a small one with two chairs opposite each other. Standard date faire, Rav supposed. He looked over at one table with benches large enough for two people, wondering if it would be nicer to sit beside Nick. But, on the other hand, he didn't really want that enough to be contrarian.

Rav shrugged. "Works for me. Subpar splash zone, though, honestly," Rav said with a smirk as he pulled the chair closest to him out from the table. He didn't love that he had his back to the door, but with so many witnesses about, he thought he could trust it. "You might have to cry extra hard to make up for it."

Rav looked at the table, and then at a different table, and Nick felt nervousness bubble up in his chest--had he picked 'wrong', somehow?

Rav shrugged. "Works for me. Subpar splash zone, though, honestly," Rav said with a smirk as he pulled the chair closest to him out from the table. "You might have to cry extra hard to make up for it."

A surprised, breathy giggle escaped from Nick's throat, or perhaps was pushed out as his throat began to tighten, a threat of crying right then and there surfacing before Nick had time to make any sense at all of the sensations. In truth, Nick's mind was paralyzed for a moment with the the calculation of whether he 'ought' to have chosen a different table, somehow--what would be a better 'splash zone'? Nick's eyes flicked over toward the table Rav had glanced at, this time clocking that there was a bench; an option to sit side by side. Nick felt warm as the image filled his mind of leaning on Rav's shoulder, cuddling while they talked... it did sound nice. But...

Nick shook his head gently, taking in a deep breath and sighing it out as he wiped a hand over a teary eye, and then finally slipped into his seat, smiling to Rav sheepishly. He was quiet another moment, oscillating between bravely examining Rav's expression and shyly averting his gaze toward the leafy plant that had drawn him to this location. The leaves had a pleasant, almost painterly variegation. Rav's expression held a smirk that excited Nick, and kept his own lips quirked in a nervous grin.

"I think..." Nick finally began, trying to find his way toward just what it was that he felt like he needed to tell Rav. Not the whole story, surely, but... the melancholy. The part that was present. The part that kept tears so close to his eyes, that contributed to him thinking about kissing Rav, but not actually feeling ready to. Nick looked at the plant as he gathered his thoughts and his courage to share.

"I guess, I'm realizing... I'm pretty fresh out of a pretty long-term relationship, all told. In some ways..." he drifted off for a moment there, not entirely sure where he was going. Or, feeling worried that he was going toward a black hole of some kind. Maybe details that didn't actually feel important. What did feel important?

"I think... like... " Nick sighed, his brow drawing together apologetically as he pulled his gaze back to Rav. Bravely, he pressed on, watching how his next words landed in the man's expression. "I have a lot of grieving still to do about it. And I don't want that to stop me from exploring here. But.... it's part of why I need to go slow."

Nick's choked laugh made Rav pause briefly in sitting down, clocking that Nick's eyes were already watering. Eyebrows raised, Rav wondered if he had miscalculated just how much melancholy Nick had been feeling. With all the giddy flirting they had done this morning, Rav felt confident they could overcome it or at least sit pleasantly beside it, but what if they couldn't?

Rav banished the thought. There had to be a path through.

As Nick shook his head, Rav fully sat down. Nick followed suit, wiping his eyes with a big breath as he smiled sheepishly. They sat like that for a moment in almost comfortable, if expectant, silence with Nick glancing between Rav's expression and the plant beside them.

"I think..." Nick said, though there was another long pause. Rav himself was no stranger to having difficulty getting words out. As though in homage to that sensation, Rav looked away, turning sideways in his seat and looking glassy-eyed past the empty table on the other side of them so Nick didn't feel pressured. He wished he had his drink to sip on, but suddenly he worried it was going to have too much sugar to be good for the purpose--cutting through the conversational awkwardness.

No, it would be fine. It would be a fun change of pace. All of this was supposed to be fun, and if it wasn't fun, then, satisfying, at least. There had to be a path through.

"I guess, I'm realizing... I'm pretty fresh out of a pretty long-term relationship, all told. In some ways..." As Nick started speaking, Rav turned back toward him, eyes curious and attentive, mouth a flat line. He was prepared to go stony if the moment called for it. Did... the moment call for it? Nick was speaking of a previous relationship, after all, but Rav didn't feel jealous, at least, not yet. If anything, it felt like... like... Nick could be about to softly reject Rav. Maybe Nick just wasn't ready for all of this. And, like, fair.

Nick continued, "I think... like..." he sighed, pulling his eyebrows together and lifting his gaze as they met eyes. "I have a lot of grieving still to do about it. And I don't want that to stop me from exploring here. But... it's part of why I need to go slow."

Rav broke the eye contact and nodded down at the table, though in truth, he was still trying to process the information. He didn't know exactly why he was nodding, but he had the impression it would at least buy him some time. He swallowed heavily, Adam's apple bobbing noticeably in his throat.

I don't want that to stop me from exploring here.

He wasn't trying to let Rav down, not entirely, at least. But, what did this mean Rav needed to do? Nothing. They were already taking it slow. Nothing about the situation had fundamentally changed, and there was nothing for Rav to fix. He just... needed to listen to Nick and be a good friend. He could... do that.

Rav's lips frowned playfully as his eyebrows lifted, shrugging at the same time before allowing his face to return to neutral. "Makes sense. I'm not going to fault you for that. And if you just want to... get to know each other and see what that looks like without the pressure of... intimacy, I would get that, too. Whatever you need, really. I don't have a goal in mind here. I want us to... have fun and have a safe space to cry and do silly morning photoshoots and whatever else feels good in the moment. I might need to..."

Rav looked down at the table, beginning the sentence before he fully realized what he was about to say. He paused, gaging Nick's expression before lowering his voice a little, deciding to take a risk with his original plan, "...blow off steam... sometimes, but that's just... I mean, that's on me. And there's, uh... Hannah for that, too."

Well, that was as much eye contact as Rav could handle. He was blushing out his ears now, staring down at the table. Had he gone and made the conversation too much about himself? He was trying to reassure Nick, but maybe he'd said too much. He took a deep breath, managing to look back up at Nick to offer his attention for whatever was next.

Rav's expression was pretty stoic while Nick spoke--but, attentive, serious. That was good, probably, if slightly intimidating. Nick swallowed, preparing to gather his next round of thoughts, but then Rav broke eye contact and looked down at the table, swallowing notably himself. Had it landed too heavily, then? Would it be too much? Was Rav having second thoughts about today? Should Nick have tried to keep the melancholy at bay somehow? Was it unfair of him to be asking Rav to engage with this in the landscape?

Rav's expression shifted--a frown, worrying at first, but then something exaggerated about it; playful? His eyebrows lifted, his shoulders shrugging as his expression returned to neutral. Nick's eyes watched him attentively, trying to assess whether to feel relieved by what seemed like lightening, or whether to worry that Rav might be tucking something away out of sight.

"Makes sense. I'm not going to fault you for that. And if you just want to... get to know each other and see what that looks like without the pressure of... intimacy, I would get that, too. Whatever you need, really. I don't have a goal in mind here."

Nick's vision began to blur as Rav spoke, his throat aching. There was a small tug of urgency in his stomach--he didn't want intimacy off the table, surely--but at the same time, he couldn't deny sensations of relief and gratitude rushing through him about Rav being willing to take it off the table, by the sound of it at least. Though, did Nick really trust that fully? Could he?

Rav continued, "I want us to... have fun and have a safe space to cry and do silly morning photoshoots--" Nick did let out an airy giggle at that, though it was contorted a bit by his tight throat, and tears did spill over onto his cheeks, which Nick wiped away with a sheepish smile. "--and whatever else feels good in the moment. I might need to..."

Rav trailed off and looked down at the table again then, though this time whatever heaviness had lowered his gaze felt strangely exciting. And that excitement only increased as Rav brought his eyes back up, something daring in his expression. "...blow off steam... sometimes, but that's just... I mean, that's on me. And there's, uh... Hannah for that, too."

Rav averted his gaze again, his cheeks warm with blush, and Nick enjoyed the thrill that danced through his gut in the wake of all that, even as he himself still wiped away stray tears from his cheeks. Rav took a deep breath before bringing his gaze back, returning to serious and attentive. Nick smiled crookedly, embarassed about his teariness, but feeling good about where the conversation was, overall--if just slightly nervous that a wrong word might somehow tip it off-kilter. Nick breathed through another swell of urgency from his stomach to say something about feeling relieved, or not wanting to take intimacy altogether off the table, or any number of things that he hoped Rav might appreciate hearing, and he let that sensation dissipate through his breath so he could feel into what he actually wanted to say for himself next.

Before he found words, he felt the urge for a gesture, and he followed it, letting the hand that had wiped away his tears gently lower itself palm-up onto the table, while his other hand gently nestled over his stomach, soothing something there. His eyes looked almost serenely down at his fingers for a moment, marveling at the subtle glisten of his tears on his skin. His cheeks were warm with embarassment, but.... splash zone, he repeated the phrase in his mind, and reassured himself that Rav wanted at least something about this, Nick's melancholy, his tears. So, if his hand wanted to be out on display on the table, holding his tears in plain view, then... maybe that was exactly the right thing to do.

Shyly, Nick raised his gaze to Rav again after that.

"I don't know exactly what all I want, or will want..." Nick said, a brief sensation of vertigo rushing through him as he realized he was talking without any idea what he was going to say next. But it passed just as quickly as it came on, and with just a brief flutter of his eyelids, Nick continued. "Other than... I guess.... I'm just finding all the ways I need to give myself permission to cry. So... thanks, for... wanting to be a safe space for that. It means a lot."

Nick's crooked, disbelieving smile brought a pleasant clawing sensation to the front of Rav's stomach, his own eyes threatening to water in sympathy. Nick inhaled deeply before setting his hand palm up on the table as though offering something. Rav looked at it with confusion, maybe even a little suspicion. When Rav glanced up at Nick, Nick was staring down at his own hand. There were glistening beads of his tears there, catching the light just enough to be visible. It was an offering.

Rav wanted to bring Nick's fingers to his mouth and taste them right there in the coffee shop in front of all these strangers, but he refrained, unmoving.

Then, Nick raised his gaze to meet Rav's, saying, "I don't know exactly what all I want, or will want... Other than... I guess.... I'm just finding all the ways I need to give myself permission to cry. So... thanks, for... wanting to be a safe space for that. It means a lot."

Rav nodded, sincerely this time, and drew his attention back to Nick's hand, his own hand coming to hover gently over it. He worried that he might desecrate the moment somehow if he touched Nick's tears, but he reminded himself that all Nick ever really asked for is that Rav go slow. So, the gesture was slow, almost painfully so, as Rav reached toward Nick's hand and the tears until their fingers were only millimeters apart.

"Mocha and caramel macchiato for Nick!" the barista shouted, startling Rav badly, though he managed to get to his feet to cover the worst of it.

"I'll... get them," Rav said, his stomach twisted in knots, feeling absurdly like he had been caught doing something he shouldn't have.

He quickly turned away, taking a deep breath and realizing that it wasn't going to be a simple matter, setting whatever intimacy desires he had for Nick aside. There was genuine attraction there, magnetic and dazzling. But, then again, if Nick told him he only wanted to be friends, Rav had a hard time believing that he would just leave or otherwise lose interest. He would still enjoy getting to know this person, and the denial he would feel--did feel--in the background would probably be good for him.

Rav thanked the barista and picked up his drink so he could tuck it in the crook of his elbow, grabbing Nick's in the same hand and the pastry bags in the other. His iced macchiato was freezing against his skin, but the sensation was helping Rav out of whatever reality bubble he and Nick had just generated, pulling him back into his body.

Smoothly, he set everything on the table and sat back down, looking at Nick casually as he said, "All right, so tell me why this..." Rav stopped himself from assuming man, "person deserves your tears."

Rav nodded, and Nick followed the man's gaze back down to his fingers displayed between them on the table. Rav's hand approached to hover gently over Nick's, and Nick drew in a soft, excited breath, his fingers twitching slightly in anticipation. Rav's approach was slow, tantalizingly so, and Nick drew out his exhale as he watched, even going a long moment without breath once his lungs were empty, Rav's fingers mere millimeters away.

"Mocha and caramel macchiato for Nick!" The barista shouted, and Nick drew in a sharp breath as Rav pushed himself to his feet, withdrawing before contact was made. It was almost heartbreaking, and yet strangely perfect. Somewhere inside of Nick was another breathy giggle, though it didn't quite make it out to expression.

"I'll... get them," Rav said, turning quickly away. There nervousness did start to bubble in Nick as he gazed almost longingly at Rav's back, debating if he ought to follow the man to offer extra hands--they had ordered more than just drinks, after all. But Nick's hand felt heavy on the table, his body a little paralyzed as he simply watched Rav approach the counter.

Finally, he shook himself out of his daze and took in a fresh breath, bringing his gaze back to his hand and shifting his other hand up to his chest, shifting his attention into his body. He felt a little jittery, but mostly light and airy and warm. He let his eyes fall shut and enjoyed the sensation of his next exhale, his fingers twitching gently above the table again as he recalled the buzz in the air above them as Rav's hand had hovered close.

After a moment similar warm buzz seemed to enter the air beside Nick's cheek and shoulder, and he opened his eyes to see Rav sliding the drinks and treats onto the table. Excited for his drink, Nick smoothly reached for the mug with both hands, indulging happily in the warmth of the touch and the comfort of the grasp.

"All right," Rav said, pulling Nick's gaze up to where the man sat casually across the table. "So tell me why this... person deserves your tears."

Nick's smile grew crooked yet again, his gaze averting shyly down to his drink and his throat tightening once more.

They went through something horrible, was the first thought to come to mind. It brought blurriness back into Nick's vision, his smile wavering. Maybe that would be relevant to tell Rav--probably, at some point, maybe even in this conversation--but he wasn't sure it was the right place to start. He let his attention hover in his hands for a moment, loosely pressing into and drawing away from and pressing into his mug as he balanced the heat building up in his skin.

"I knew them for a really long time," Nick finally said, eyes still on his drink. "Years. A few as platonic friends, then friends with benefits, then partners over time. It was all really comfortable. Fluid, organic. And... exciting." His eyes flashed up to Rav at that, his smile quirking to the side with a bit of a mischievous glint. He couldn't hold the eye contact long, though, his cheeks growing hot quickly and his gaze falling back down to his drink. "We explored a lot together. Discovered a lot together. It wasn't perfect, but it was really good. And then..." he sighed softly, his expression falling as the blurriness in his eyes returned. "Something awful happened. It's not really my story to tell. But... like... overnight, I lost them. We still spent time together, went through the motions, but... they were gone."

Nick choked at that, his hands gripping tightly around his drink as silent sobs shook at his shoulders. He might've fully cried in private, but he didn't want to make a ton of noise here in the coffee shop, though his throat did ache in the dampening of it. He sniffed and wiped at his eyes, trying to relax his throat with a thick, slow breath blown down at the table.

"That was like.... eight months ago? That that happened. But I don't think I even really fully understood that I'd lost them in that sense until much later. About two months ago we had kind of a last big blow-up and... " Nick shrugged, maybe an instinct to cover over another shudder of his shoulders, and he exhaled another thick, shaky breath. "They haven't talked to me since." His lips twisted to the side, his chin trembling a little. He steadied himself with a big, big breath, wiping at his eyes again and sniffing as he settled his hand back around his drink.

"And, I mean... even if they did, they live in another country now, so. I guess, I'd known for a while that something would end when they moved. Hell, I moved first, actually. Maybe we should've broken up way sooner, I don't know. We thought we might travel, do a long distance thing, but..."

Nick shook his head, starting to feel overwhelmed with all the details that were flooding into his mind, the wave of franticness that was cresting toward wanting to explain every nook and cranny of just how complicated the whole thing was. There were a million things that had gone wrong the past few months that had nothing to do with the awful thing, and just everything to do with the things that hadn't been perfect all along. Maybe those things eventually would've broken them anyway. Maybe in a kind of messed up way, the awful thing saved them from complacency with each other. But maybe that was a messed up thing to think. Nick's expression winced and he wiped at his eyes again, though his hand was wet enough now that he didn't really make much headway on the moisture covering his cheeks.

He sighed again, and timidly brought his gaze up to Rav, blurry vision and all, and did his best to muster a small sheepish smile.

"There's... a lot else I could say. But I'm not sure what's important."

Nick rewarded Rav with a smile, though he averted his gaze quickly toward his drink as he considered Rav's request.

Since he was taking his time, Rav turned his attention to his drink as well, absently touching the cold skin in the crook of his arm as he stared at the swirl of caramel across the glass.

"I knew them for a really long time," Nick finally said, not looking up. "Years. A few as platonic friends, then friends with benefits, then partners over time. It was all really comfortable. Fluid, organic. And... exciting." Nick met Rav's gaze briefly, and Rav's face was stony, expressionless, unsure where this was going. Nick looked away quickly. "We explored a lot together. Discovered a lot together. It wasn't perfect, but it was really good. And then... Something awful happened. It's not really my story to tell. But... like... overnight, I lost them. We still spent time together, went through the motions, but... they were gone."

Nick was fully crying now, the last few sentences becoming higher pitched as he struggled to get the words past his throat. Tears were streaming down his face, and Rav lifted his eyebrows, somewhat impressed. If it was difficult for Nick to cry last night, he seemed not to have any qualms about doing it in public now. Interesting.

Rav watched helplessly as Nick's shoulders shuddered between wipes at his eyes and gulps of breath, but he finally got it under control enough to keep speaking.

"That was like.... eight months ago? That that happened. But I don't think I even really fully understood that I'd lost them in that sense until much later. About two months ago we had kind of a last big blow-up and... They haven't talked to me since." Nick's chin wobbled, and Rav allowed a ghost of a smile to appear on his lips. The impulse to give Nick comfort was strong, but short of touching Nick, Rav didn't know what was called for, and he had the feeling that Nick wasn't finished talking.

"And, I mean... even if they did, they live in another country now, so. I guess, I'd known for a while that something would end when they moved. Hell, I moved first, actually. Maybe we should've broken up way sooner, I don't know. We thought we might travel, do a long distance thing, but..."

Nick shook his head, wincing as he wiped the back of his hand against his face again, both his cheeks and his hand soaked. Maybe Rav should have brought a handkerchief or something. He thought about getting up to get paper towels or napkins, but maybe that was rude.

After another big sigh, Nick looked up at Rav, eyes watery, and smiled slightly. Rav wished he felt comfortable telling Nick he didn't have to do that, didn't have to make sure there was a light at the end of the tunnel, didn't have to find a smile. They could just sit in this melancholy together.

But, that also wasn't quite the right direction, Rav felt.

Where, then?

"There's... a lot else I could say. But I'm not sure what's important," Nick said.

"What's important is whatever you want to say," Rav said instinctively. "No agenda." But after another pause and rotating his glass in place on the table, Rav asked, "Was there something in particular that happened to make you think about it or is it just... always in the background?"

"What's important is whatever you want to say," Rav said, "No agenda."

Nick's smile twisted with a small hint of chagrin, his gaze falling to his drink. He supposed he'd been hoping for some help figuring out where to go next. But, in that case, maybe he could figure out a question he wanted to ask Rav. While he thought on it, he wiped at his eyes again, this time with the heel of his palm to try to get some dry skin.

"Was there something in particular that happened to make you think about it," Rav asked, "or is it just... always in the background?"

Nick exhaled with relief, grateful that Rav had come up with his own question to ask. And, it was a good question. Tying it back to why the heck Nick had felt the need to bring this all up in the first place. There was even a small trill of excitement in Nick's chest, though this direction also held some fear. It raised the stakes, in a way. Brought them closer to how this concerned Rav, specifically.

"I kind of, like... stumbled into it all journaling last night after you left." He said like a sheepish confession, his eyes flicking up to Rav only briefly before returning to his drink. "Admittedly I think I've been running away from it. Trying to just move on, get over it, act like I'm fine. But I was reflecting on, like... how I kept thinking about kissing you..." His eyes flicked up briefly again, his smile just a little brighter, but still ever so shy.

"And wondering why that fell short of actually wanting to. Or even with you pinning me in the bathroom, too, I think a similar thing happened. There's a lot going on in all of that, probably, but what I found last night was that part of it is... I'm not sure I can fully tell the difference between wanting to kiss you and wanting to kiss my ex." He winced a little, his brows drawing together apologetically, though he couldn't quite bring himself to lift his gaze this time.

"Which I worry sounds awful... " he lamented. "I'm positive I have interest in you that has nothing to do with them. But, sometimes, I get blurry I guess. And I'm sorry about that. It's probably going to be confusing to navigate, but..." Nick chewed on his lip a little, realizing he was starting to talk kind of fast. Starting to feel frantic about explaining. Starting to feel afraid again that Rav might decide this is too much. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. If this was too much... it was important for Rav to be able to decide that for himself; Nick couldn't preempt his decision. "I guess this is just... my disclaimer that I realized I needed to tell you. It's my thing to work on, but... it's not going away overnight."

Slowly, nervously, Nick lifted his eyes to Rav again, deciding he was ready to face whatever expression he found there.

As Nick considered, Rav took the first tentative sip of his drink, eager to get to it before all the ice melted. It was, in fact, a lot more sugary than he was used to, but it was pleasant, cool and smooth and buttery. It was mixed well. It probably would have tasted better with an extra shot of espresso, but with all the nervous energy around Nick, Rav really didn't need the extra caffeine.

"I kind of, like, stumbled into it all journaling last night after you left," Nick said, eyes only flicking up to Rav once. "Admittedly I think I've been running away from it. Trying to just move on, get over it, act like I'm fine. But I was reflecting on, like... how I kept thinking about kissing you..." Nick's shy smile was almost an invitation, but he quickly continued. "And wondering why that fell short of actually wanting to. Or even with you pinning me in the bathroom, too, I think a similar thing happened. There's a lot going on in all of that, probably, but what I found last night was that part of it is... I'm not sure I can fully tell the difference between wanting to kiss you and wanting to kiss my ex."

Rav's stomach dropped out from under him, and he tried to keep his face neutral, but one eyebrow slipped a little and lifted, eyes widening and suddenly dry. The sweetness lingering in his mouth felt wrong, like it was someone else's drink... or someone else's mouth. He pressed his lips together lightly as though trying to pull himself back into the body--his body--but he wasn't sure it was working.

It was some comfort that Nick winced after saying it. At least he knew that it was going to come like a blow. It was certainly not what Rav had been expecting, though he hadn't yet formulated a different guess.

"Which I worry sounds awful... " Nick added. "I'm positive I have interest in you that has nothing to do with them. But, sometimes, I get blurry I guess. And I'm sorry about that. It's probably going to be confusing to navigate, but..." Nick took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I guess this is just... my disclaimer that I realized I needed to tell you. It's my thing to work on, but... it's not going away overnight."

Slowly, Nick raised his head, giving Rav enough time to blink away some--not all--of his glassiness. His stomach still felt like it was on the floor, and he swallowed, trying to wet his dry mouth, thick with the milky sugar remnants. Rav looked away at the table across from them, unable to meet Nick's eyes as he processed it all. It was a lot, and Rav really didn't know where he fit in all this. Two months was... not very much time. Rav's situation was notably different, but it had been five years, and he did feel ready for something new. Was Rav going to have to coax Nick into it? Convince him that it was worth it? No. Rav just needed to hold space. Or not.

Then an idea occurred to him, and he really couldn't tell if it was a brilliant idea or a terrible one. The motivations all felt tangled together. But, would it be so bad for Nick to project his ex onto Rav? Did Nick want that? Did Rav want that? There was something exciting about the idea of not being himself, being free, even if only momentarily, of his past, but it wouldn't be real, and Rav worried that it would leave him feeling hollow and disembodied, the intimacy false. He couldn't keep running away from all this.

Maybe there was still something to work with there, though. A new direction, at least.

"If... your ex were... here now... what do you think you would want to say to them?" Rav managed to look back at Nick as he asked it, one eyebrow lowered, the other lifted and hopeful.

Rav's mouth was thin, and Nick's stomach dropped to the floor, panic stabbing up through his chest. This was it. Surely, this was the moment he'd lose something he wanted because he laid too much bare too quickly. He should have somehow taken more time with this, maybe not accepted Rav's invitation today, not until he could get his emotions under control and--

Rav asked a question, and Nick blinked at him, stunned for a moment. He'd been watching the man's expression still, but not actually taking it in. He tried to refocus on it, and he followed the curve of one of Rav's brows, lifted... lighter than Nick had expected. Hopeful?

Then, Nick replayed what Rav had actually said.

"If... your ex were... here now... what do you think you would want to say to them?"

Yet more tears welled up in Nick's eyes, his chin trembling again. He looked down to his drink, the warmth muted enough now for his hands to grip it tightly, almost like he was holding onto it for dear life. His mind tried a few different sentiments--I just hope that they're okay. I just hope they get help. I just hope they don't try to white-knuckle their way through the whole rest of their life. Nothing was quite making its way to speech, though. He tried zooming out, replaying the last several months, searching for inspiration, but overwhelm kept his thoughts in a whirlwind, and he finally relinquished his grip on his drink to cover his face with his hands, allowing for a soft sob to escape into the muffle of his palms as he leaned back in his chair.

Embarassment clenched at him, fear spiking about how Rav might feel about how this might look to other people in the coffee shop. He was being so messy.

But Rav had wanted to sit in the splash zone. Splash zones were messy. He had to trust that Rav had signed up for this, and that he'd take care of himself if it got to be too much. Besides, wouldn't Nick have signed up for it? Wouldn't he have loved for his ex to break down with him in a coffee shop--or anywhere--about what had happened? Granted, Rav barely knew Nick, but... wouldn't Nick still sign up for this in the other direction, if the opportunity presented itself?

Nick had been quiet after that first sob, but his shoulders had still been trembling. Slowly, he calmed himself, getting his breathing steady and pulling his hands down his face enough to look at Rav, though his vision was ridiculously blurry. He tried to refocus on Rav's question. If Nick's ex here here, now what would Nick want to say to them?

A brief flash of anger surprised him, darkening his expression. As deep as his well-wishes genuinely flowed for them... there were things he was still upset about, too. He didn't want them here right now. He had no idea how to express what he was angry about. Too many other voices in his mind diffused any attempt to put it into words. So he just glared at this blurry projection of his ex in front of him, words finally coalescing within his mind as Why are you even here? What do you even want with me?

Nick shook his head, scoffing a little as he turned his eyes toward the plant, though he quickly interrupted his own gaze as he wiped more at his tears, both hands and arms involved to try to actually clear his vision and get his cheeks some semblance of not soaking wet. Finally, he sighed and returned his gaze to Rav, eyebrows raised with a tired sort of openness.

"I guess, if I really managed to speak my mind... I'd tell them I don't really want to talk to them right now. That I care about them, but I'm upset with them right now, and I'm on a date, and they can schedule their own date with me if they really want to get back in touch."

Was that dodging the question? Nick worried it might come off that way, but he felt pretty genuine about it. He felt farther away from Rav than he wanted to feel right now, and he was annoyed about it. He studied Rav's face, his mind trying to reach for something he might ask Rav to start moving closer to him. Where was he right now, in all of this? Nick's yearning to figure that out was blossoming rapidly, and he leaned forward in his chair again, his hands tentatively sliding onto the table, palms down and uncertain, but within Rav's reach.

"Would you want to say anything to them?" Nick asked.