Written Wonderland

Ramanujan sat next to the burned building for a long, long while, meditating and attempting to recover anything he could about his time with the goddess. Setting his other experiences with her aside, he devoted all his attention to sorting through the wealth of information the goddess had given him in his dream. It was so condensed, so immense, so full of a perspective he had no context to understand, that it felt like a meaningless, fruitless task. Sorting through someone else's memories--a god's memories--was so thoroughly foreign to the soldier that everything may as well have been in another language. In fact, some of it was in another language. How long would it take Ramanujan to decipher it? Did the goddess give him all of this only and exactly because he wouldn't be able to?

The thought infuriated him, but after another hour of making little headway except perhaps recognizing the king in some of the goddess' memories, he returned his attention to his breathing before slowly opening his eyes.

Perhaps it was more prudent to discern what he should think of his own experience with her... and whether he should return. That was certainly more urgent, especially if the camp was going to try to rally everyone by sundown. Ramanujan was well aware that Dehaljadrun did not specify when she needed the volunteers by, but the soldier very much doubted that the commander would sit on her thumbs about the matter.

Ramanujan didn't want to go back... didn't want to go back... and yet... His body ached for her, and his mind sought to ask her a hundred thousand questions. He wanted to trace the lines of her face with his eyes, to take in everything she was and had been to him, to everyone. She was--truly--divine, and to be in her presence, to even have certainty that she existed... it had been an incredible gift. And yet. Would serving her be enough? Were there higher gods more deserving of Ramanujan's attention? If Dehaljadrun was, in fact, real, then why not the other gods as well? Hadn't there been mention of them in the goddess' memories?

And if she kept him there, even if he found another more deserving god to serve, how could he forgive himself? Would he need to betray her? The thought soured Ramanujan's stomach. No, in some ways, she was his first god, the one who had visited him first. He suspected that, in some ways, that would always tie him to her. With a heavy sigh, Ramanujan stood and began to pace.

And what of his human life? His existence within the army? The civil war? The rebellion? Was he prepared to turn his back on all of that? For a moment, anger flared in his chest. What had serving this cause given him? Access to a goddess, for starters, and your own integrity, some voice in his mind replied, but that felt incidental, especially when it came at the cost of settling down.

Settling down... could he ever do such a thing after all that he now knew? He knew it would bring his parents great joy to see him married off well, but no prospects had shown themselves, and Ramanujan had grown tired enough of waiting for something to happen that joining the army had felt an appealing option. And battle had never before appealed to him. It still made him queasy to think about it. But, it had been the escape he needed, and in all reality, he was grateful to have been around when the rebellion began. He was glad to find himself on what felt like the right side of the line. And, if being visited by a goddess was any indication, he was on the right path.

He took a moment, just a moment, to think about earlier that morning when the goddess had fluidly moved into his body, commanded his voice, commanded his movements. He had so readily given himself over to her--he had been thrilled to offer himself to her in that way. But then he remembered his frustration at being unable to speak while he had been her thrall... would the volunteers become thralls?

No, Ramanujan had seen enough of the goddess' thoughts about the volunteers to understand that it would be different. That's why the idea thrilled her so much. Ramanujan wasn't entirely sure that was comforting, but perhaps it meant that she would not force him to silence the way she had when his dream had dissipated.

Pulling himself back, Ramanujan sighed, pacing more furiously. Fine, perhaps it would be too difficult to determine if the goddess was the right goddess to serve, but there was still a goddess in front of him. And returning to his parents' home after the war, still unmarried... the prospect did not excite him.

What if, though? What if? Would Ramanujan be happy? He thought about Captain Brede's visit, about how blessed it felt to press their foreheads together, how divine that had felt. Divine and... chaste. But what would be wrong with a chaste marriage if the two of them were happy in each other's company? He thoroughly ignored the ache that thought inspired in his body. Ashleigh was intelligent, one of the most intelligent people Ramanujan knew, and perhaps she would be interested in his quest for divine knowledge, perhaps even help him with it.

With a sudden, rash sense of direction, Ramanujan stormed off in the direction of his captain's tent, hoping to find her there.

Ashleigh nodded and left her soldier, turning her mind to what she ought to do next. She was starting to embrace those "what if"s again, but cautiously. She'd learned from past mistakes that too much skepticism could paralyze her.

Before she pondered on that too heavily, she realized there was a soldier nearby who was paying attention to Ramanujan and his resumed meditation. Ashleigh approached the soldier, careful to make her countenance welcoming. Whoever it was Ashleigh figured was either curious or scared, and she felt confident she could be of use in either case. Once she approached, the soldier was forthcoming that they'd been sent to watch Ramanujan by Captain Morris. In truth, this was relieving; it meant one less task on Ashleigh's plate, and more than that, it meant that perhaps she could be less diligent about those "what if"s. Ashleigh liked that thought, that perhaps the responsible thing was actually to trust in her own soldier, and let others take on the burden of disbelief.

So, Captain Morris knew. Ashleigh wondered who else did. She had half a mind to check in with the commander, but she wasn't sure she'd have anything novel to offer her, if the goddess herself had already visited, especially if Ashleigh was forsaking her commitment to skepticism that what Ramanujan had said was all true. She supposed some of the nuances of her conversation with him might still be new information for the commander, but surely she had more pressing matters. Ashleigh also supposed she would appreciate direction from her commander, but she also felt a duty to be autonomous when she could be--as again, surely Mizu had plenty on her plate.

What would Ashleigh's duty be in this situation, though? Go ahead and begin recruiting other volunteers? Ensure that other captains knew about the situation? Actually... yes, come to think of it, she did owe a favor. The captain sought an audience with one of her soldiers, whom she knew to be friendly with one of Captain Kade's. She wasn't interested in playing games with the spymaster directly at the moment, but he'd be confident enough of who the information came from this way, and thus, they'd be back to even--an important consideration, when it came to their particular relationship. Ashleigh suspected she was among Serio's closest allies when it came down to it, but she wasn't about to take something like that for granted.

Then, having told one of her soldiers some of the situation, it felt prudent to tell a few others. Each of them were glad to know about the situation, always grateful to be in the loop and eager to be of help, but none of them betrayed their precise feelings on the matter. Certainly, none of them seemed explicitly interested in volunteering, but they indicated that they'd start spreading word. Ashleigh gently urged them to keep it discrete within their retinue for now, at least unless or until they started hearing rumors from other retinues come in.

It wasn't long before one of Kade's soldiers came to find her, and requested to speak in her tent. He told her things she already knew--things she knew that Serio knew she already knew--but she didn't interrupt, instead paying careful attention to the soldier's wording. Serio was hardly one to waste her time, and this soldier was no novice at doing his captain's bidding, so surely there was a reason he bothered going through those details. He did finally share something new, though--that Miller was aware of the situation, and would not be sending anyone from his retinue. Fair enough, Ashleigh supposed. She wondered about Bronwen, but didn't bother to ask the soldier. He bowed, and took his leave, and Ashleigh clicked her tongue softly as she watched the tent flap fall closed behind him. If she didn't know any better, she'd think Serio still wanted her to owe him one, though if that were the case, it'd be nice if he'd make his offering a bit more plain. It was nice to know where Miller stood, but hardly worth the messenger's time to tell her.

Ashleigh sat down on her cot and went back over the soldier's report in her mind, searching for what else he'd really been trying to tell her.

When he made it to his captain's tent, Ramanujan wasted little time going over any sort of plan before he said, "Captain Brede?" He didn't want to lose his nerve. Ever since he had fully concluded his meditation, his mind was focused on the one thing he needed to know.

Hardly waiting for the captain to give any response, Ramanujan entered the tent once he was confident she was there, aware of being out of breath but unable to calm himself just yet.

"Captain... Ashleigh... would you marry me?" Still a little unfamiliar with the language, he checked and rechecked his wording, suddenly concerned she might misunderstand him. Sensing he may have made a mistake, he added, "That is, would someone like you marry someone like me, theoretically?"

Still, he wasn't sure he was communicating clearly, but he wasn't exactly sure how to improve upon what he had already said. Explaining things to others wasn't exactly a strong suit.

He stared at her intently, his heavy brows inquisitive, desperately needing to know the answer. If it was too much to ask for an intelligent woman to want to settle down with him, then he should go to the goddess. That had been his conclusion. And Ashleigh seemed like a person who would be honest. After all, Ramanujan, though he had gained muscle over the years, was still quite stalky with dense, scrunched features. He was aware that he was, by most accounts, unattractive. But perhaps that didn't matter if two people could keep up an intelligent conversation? He didn't know and needed to if he was going to make any kind of decision today.

Ashleigh stood as she invited Ramanujan in, silently tucking her ponderings away in her mind; she could unwind Serio's riddle later. She was surprised at how quickly her soldier entered, though, barely able to assess why he might be out of breath before he called her by her given name, and asked about marriage.

The captain kept surprise and fluster at bay, instead opting to go back over his wording and double-check she understood. Ramanujan didn't strike her as sentimental enough to propose to someone so rashly, even if they had just shared something beautiful. He did indeed clarify in short order, that he was asking a theoretical, whether a marriage between people like them would be in the cards. She let herself show a smile which betrayed some surprise and fluster, but only as much as the soldier's actual question warranted, rather than the shock the initial question might have warranted had she gone with her first impression.

There were a million disclaimers or clarifications she could issue, as the bounds of the hypothetical were hardly well-defined. What did he mean, someone like her, and someone like him? Did their ranks factor in? Was it truly about marriage, or something that one might presume marriage would entail? But she put all those aside for now, instead opting to make her smile a little more playful as she lightly looked Ramanujan up and down, her stance shifting to be more casual, one hand settling confidently on her hip.

"Perhaps." she offered, as that was the most honest reply she could summon quickly. The rest would take contemplation, which she allowed herself now that she'd bought herself a moment of time. By the time she spoke up again, her expression had softened to curiosity, and her tone was gentle and patient.

"Marriage is a pretty complicated subject, though. There are politics and logistics to be considered, as well as passion and companionship. What are you really asking about?"

Perhaps.

Could there possibly be a more infuriating answer? That gave him nothing except hope. And what good was hope when he had been hoping someone would take an interest in him his whole life? Or when he needed to decide to give up on that hope and go to the goddess?

Ashleigh's casual attitude only further aggravated Ramanujan. She was taking him seriously, wasn't she? He couldn't tell, never very good at reading people, especially while frustrated. But, he was able to take a deep breath when Captain Brede asked follow-up questions; at least she wasn't going to leave him with only that one ridiculous word.

But how to explain exactly what he meant? It wasn't about politics or logistics. Not really about passion either.

"Companionship," Ramanujan said as though that was a good enough answer. But after giving himself another moment to consider, he decided that maybe some context was in order, though his dark skin paled a little at the prospect.

"My family... they wanted... want... me to settle down. If I go to the goddess, I'm giving up on their dream. But, I'm not sure it is achievable anyway." Ramanujan sighed, frustrated still and worried that he was veering toward melodrama. He added, "At least you seem interested in genuine conversation with me. That's more than most of my village could offer." He shook his head and stared at the floor, wondering if he should just leave and make this decision alone.

Ashleigh's eyebrows drew together slightly when Ramanujan mentioned giving up on his parents' dream. She still smiled, though, albeit softly. She contemplated the soldier's words for a moment, hoping that her comfortable posture would help to lighten the silence. A million pithy responses came to mind, but Ramanujan deserved better than that, so she wanted to genuinely chew on what he was saying before she replied.

"Truthfully, I'm not sure I intend to marry," she finally said, somewhat carefully. "though I'd gladly have genuine conversations with someone like you as regularly as the rest of my life would allow. Obviously, I've chosen a life of much responsibility, and a fair bit of solitude. Perhaps I'd like less of the latter, but only just."

She let stand another brief moment of silence as she reassessed her tactic. Was it right to talk about herself? Perhaps, but she wasn't sure she wanted to end on that note.

"I'm curious..." she crossed her arms loosely across her stomach and leaned forward slightly, her chin tipped down and her eyes curiously raised, her tone of voice even more cautious now. "If not for your parents' dreams, what kind of life would you choose for yourself?"

Hmmm... She doesn't intend to marry. Was it fair to hypothesize then that other women of Ashleigh's caliber would feel the same? It was a small sample size to be sure, but Ramanujan had little else to go on and little time to come to a conclusion.

He looked up when she started talking about solitude, though, his eyebrows easing into sympathy. He certainly understood the desire for less solitude.

But only just.

He supposed it was some consolation that, even if a woman like Ashleigh would not marry him, regular conversations were still possible. But... if conversations weren't enough reason to marry, what would be?

And then she asked about the life he would want for himself, and he had to think on that a moment. He knew what he wanted to say, but it was difficult to put into words.

"The quest for knowledge is divine," Ramanujan said matter-of-factly. "That's what I want for myself." But then that stirring in his body occurred again, and this time he could not fully ignore it. He shifted from foot to foot and added, "Companionship... and perhaps the occasional passion... would be welcome, but only if they served that end. I'm not sure if all that is compatible with the goddess, or... well... anyone."

He let a moment stand before he continued, his frustration now almost fully faded toward curiosity. "What is it about marriage that is unappealing to you?" Perhaps if he could understand that, he could find a way to convince his parents it wasn't necessary... or convince himself to go to the goddess. He wasn't sure which possibility he wanted more.

Ashleigh smiled and relaxed somewhat, her gaze returning to a more level angle, though her arms remained loosely crossed. She was glad that Ramanujan was so confident about the quest for knowledge for himself. She was about to gently prod him about whether he'd be content with companionship and the occasional passion outside of marriage, when he followed up with his own question of why Ashleigh didn't want marriage herself. Her smile curled in a bit of amusement, at how they were in some ways both triangulating towards the same thing, and he'd managed to be the one to put her on the spot about it. The desire to simply reflect it back on Ramanujan to force him to answer the other side rippled through her, but she gently caressed it back down to make room for contemplating her actual reply.

"It's hard to imagine allying with someone so completely." She finally replied, her shoulders shrugging almost elegantly, but still, her arms remaining crossed. "I certainly tossed in my lot with Mizu and the other captains, but there are still plenty of moving parts. Once the war is won, we'll be running a country together, but our personal lives will be our own, and even our purviews in the kingdom will vary, and honestly, often enough compete. It's much easier for me to pledge allegiance to a cause or a country than one single person in this world. Perhaps if I met another who felt similarly, that'd be another story, but at that point, I'm not sure why we'd bother to marry."

She was starting to become aware of her arms still crossed, and a feeling of embarrassment, and maybe even nervousness, began warming her to her core. She wasn't entirely sure why she still wanted to be in this stance, why she was feeling vulnerable. Her mind carefully strode towards whatever pit she'd been avoiding, and in it she saw the honestly real possibility that Ramanujan could be more to her than a soldier. She was genuinely interested in conversations with him, and, hadn't he just said that he was interested in his quest for knowledge, above all else? Perhaps she really could give him what he was looking for, and the both of them would be content.

But, was that worth contemplating now? She was still his captain, for the time being, if he chose to stay. And if he didn't, then, well, that was likely that. And she didn't dare offer him that to get him to stay; there were far too many unknowns between now and when it'd be relevant. No, right now, she could promise him nothing, save for being his captain, whatever that entailed. With that thought, Ashleigh finally, delicately, lowered her hands to her sides, and straightened up her back a bit.

"You have to put your quest for knowledge first, if that is truly most important to you," she said, her voice a bit more confident now, "If your quest bids you to stay, then one day, you'll find whatever companionship is compatible with that in this world; I can't tell you what that will be. If your quest bids you to go, then the goddess will certainly provide you some kind of companionship, though whether it will satisfy you I cannot possibly say. I'm fairly confident you'll find access to the occasional passion regardless."

After a moment, Ashleigh's expression lightened, her eyebrows raising with a realization that seemed to rise all at once like the sun.

"For what it's worth, I don't think there's a wrong decision, as long as you are putting your truest quest first; it's possible that both paths go the right direction."

Ramanujan listened to his captain, his curiosity and hopefulness that he would find his own answer in her words shining through. He greatly appreciated her comments about allegiance--it was clear that they were well thought out--but he could not help thinking that the entire army was aligned, technically. But, he supposed, marriage within the army, at least with the war on, was rather non-sensical. From what he had gathered from the other soldiers, dalliances within one's retinue were discouraged, and Ramanujan could only imagine that rank complicated matters. So, among the captains, then, Ashleigh found more competition than allegiance beyond the cause itself. Interesting. Ramanujan knew then that he was not interested in rising to power that way. The competition did not appeal to him. But, that wasn't to say that whatever Ashleigh's ambitions were put him off; he simply wasn't interested in them for himself. He did think he would enjoy helping her with them, and in that way, he believed he would not stand in her way. Perhaps he would, then, meet her standards, theoretically.

But, that was getting into specifics about the two of them in a way he didn't entirely intend. Of course it was absurd to think Ashleigh would marry him, if only for the difference in rank alone. Or that she would want to "bother" with that.

He supposed she was onto something in thinking that marriage was unnecessary if everything else was aligned, but Ramanujan couldn't help but think there would be something comforting about a bond between two people, some agreement that they would encourage each other to seek out their own dreams.

Then again, perhaps that was only sentimental, and Ramanujan had little room for that.

He was, however, heartened by the brightness of Ashleigh's expression when she said that both paths ahead of him may very well lead toward the same end. She was more beautiful in that moment than he had ever seen her, radiating with the light of realization, and Ramanujan heard her statement as truth. It felt like it had come from beyond her, and Ramanujan briefly wondered if she, too, had some access or calling to the gods.

And yet, that didn't help him make up his mind. In fact, that meant he needed to choose based on sentiment rather than logic. The prospect was less than comfortable for the soldier.

After a moment of quiet contemplation, during which he felt emboldened by his captain's words, he said, "If both paths lead me toward my personal quest, then I should consider the cause as I make my decision. And, in that case, I should go." The confidence with which he said it surprised even him, and his stomach rioted with sensations of anticipation, fear, excitement, terror, and sadness. He thought briefly about leaving his parents, his family, but in some ways, leaving for the army had already been a goodbye. He had made peace with never coming home a long while ago.

"But, for whatever it's worth," Ramanujan added, looking down at Ashleigh's boots for a moment before looking back up at her still-glowing features, "I would marry someone like you." He smiled then, a sympathetic and apologetic smile. "I will miss all the conversations this means we may not have."

Ashleigh was surprised when Ramanujan concluded he should go, though perhaps she shouldn't have been. The confidence in the soldier's declaration inspired her to look at the world where she might have gone to the goddess; as a captain, there were far too many responsibilities that she'd already chosen, that to leave them behind would not be appealing to live with, but if she didn't have them...

Her cheeks had already started growing warm, when Ramanujan pulled her attention back to the present, and the warm undertone of her tan, freckled skin bloomed across her face and shoulders when the soldier said that he would marry someone like her. She was so used to dismissing any such comment as exaggerated flirting or naive fantasy, but here with Ramanujan, it rang so reverberatingly true, that for a moment, Ashleigh was speechless. A sorrow pulled her heart downward when he mentioned the conversations they may never have, and the captain nodded solemnly. Some notion tugged at her mind to try to talk him out of it, to make sure he wasn't going out of an obligation to the cause that he'd regret, to be more forthcoming about how personally she'd started to ponder.

But... her own quest had to come first, too. She felt that as a captain, she'd done right by both her soldier and her cause, and she took heart in that, her skin cooling and a relaxed smile returning to her expression.

"May we both find equally worthy conversations in our futures."