Written Wonderland

Novelty listened to Philip talk and allowed that the lieutenant had a point. Novely followed Philip's gaze and knew that there was absolutely something alluring and terrifying about the glow from the ground, but Novelty could not simply dismiss it as all bad. Just as Novelty thought he had something to say about that, Philip gasped and stumbled backward, pulling Novelty's attention back to the man. He looked... afraid of Novelty. And near to tears.

Novelty had the urge to stand, but he didn't want Philip to feel smaller than he likely already felt. Instead, Novelty subtly rocked forward and backward on his legs a few times, trying to determine what to do.

Maybe Novely should get Philip out of this place. But some part of him didn't want to. Some part of Philip didn't want to, and Novelty didn't know how much to heed that.

How do you do it?

What a thing to explain.

Calmly, suppressing an urge to reach out toward Philip's knee and try to calm the man, Novelty started speaking. "For starters, I haven't been with her before." He let that comment stand for a moment, allowing the idea that Philip had this much harder to sink in.

Then, he said, "I've spent my whole life hoping that magic was real, that something spectacular would happen to me. I felt that it was, but so few people believed me. Or, they thought I should instead worship gods who never once showed themselves. I fell in love with stories, with ideas of what the world could be like more than I ever believed in a divine and perfect goodness. Because, in all reality, knowing now that the gods, or some semblance of them, do exist, it's likely that they are at least as morally complex as we are."

Perhaps Novely was saying too many words now. If Philip was truly in a trauma response, it was unlikely that he was taking much, if any, of this in, but Novelty found it difficult to stop now that he had begun. Thoughts he hadn't shared with anyone welled up and out of him, and maybe it was this place or the smell of the flowers or the glow from the ground, but Novelty's voice took on a soft and velvety tone that comforted even himself as he spoke. He didn't want to stop.

"I've experienced more magic in the last week than ever in my life, and I would never forgive myself if I turned from it now. And, maybe that's naive of me, given all the screams in the night, but... I have to believe that even the goddess is capable of salvation. And while I might not do anything to help her get there, I'd like to learn about the world from her so that one day, gods willing, I might get there."

Novelty looked at Philip with curiosity then, wondering how much of what he had said made sense to the man. Maybe it had been a mistake to yoke himself to someone in such a fragile state, but he hoped that Philip really did want to know. He hoped that Philip wouldn't just disbelieve him outright.

"For starters, I haven't been with her before."

Admittedly, Novelty's reply made Philip's heart sink. He didn't like to imagine that experience only made this harder, and that aside, he wasn't sure that Novelty was answering the question he'd been trying to ask. He felt frustrated with the way that words so often eluded him, leaving him feeling terribly alone.

The soldier kept talking, though, and Philip mustered the focus to actually listen to what he was saying. Even if Novelty wasn't answering the question Philip had been trying to ask, he was answering something, and perhaps Philip could still learn from it.

What novelty was saying scared him, but he tried to keep himself steady. Had he met Novelty earlier in life, he would certainly have been one of the people who told him to worship the gods rather than seek out magic of his own. He tried to get curious about the idea of falling in love with stories, though. Hadn't Philip done a bit of that himself, imagining his life to be with the woman he'd loved? Granted, the future of that story felt rather grim at the moment.

He couldn't help resonating with the idea of being unable to forgive himself if he turned away from the magic they'd experienced, though. Philip may have experienced terrible things, but he couldn't deny that he had also experienced wonder, and it had brought him to that gathering at Evan's tent despite all his powerful misgivings. Even just here in this place in the forest, while a fearful thrum permeated the air, it was beautiful, and Philip hadn't exactly wanted to leave. And that was to say nothing of the shimmer the goddess had rained down from the sky. It had made him feel like that future with his fiancée was in his grasp again. Which, he'd quickly dismissed as obviously a lie, but... it was occurring to him now, that maybe the lie was that he wanted that future with his fiancée at all--or, in the very least, that that was all that he wanted.

His eyes alighted on Novelty again, freshly taking in the soldier's form. He'd never much looked at men before this experience--it hadn't seemed appropriate to--but, he'd been unable to help himself in the goddess' realm, and he bravely ventured a guess that Novelty wouldn't find it altogether inappropriate, not after kissing him out of the blue that afternoon. Besides, he wasn't leering; he was tracing the soldier's face with curiosity, admiring the shape of his shoulders and the crimp of his hair, and simply allowing himself to acknowledge that he enjoyed it.

He tried to come up again with the question he actually wanted to ask, but was too afraid of still wording it wrong, and just getting frustrated and drifting further away. He wanted to be closer to Novelty. He wanted to feel less alone. He knew that what he wanted to ask was about Novelty's decision to kiss him. How had he done that? How had he braved the uncertainty of it? Maybe, rather than asking Novelty to explain, there really was only one way to find out.

Fear vibrated in Philip's chest at the thought, but he assured himself that he could go slow. With Evan, the desire had been malicious, destructive, and overpowering, but with Novelty, while it was powerful, it was also patient and kind. No part of him wished ill of this soldier. Surely, in light of that, it was safe to simply... try to just reveal himself, a little bit. Not unlike the soldier had done for him that afternoon.

Slowly, Philip lowered himself down to his knees nearer to Novelty, his eyes watching the soldier intently for any sign of discomfort or revulsion. It would hurt if Novelty backed away, but Philip was being immensely careful to go slowly enough that he could bear it. He was tired of all the things he'd denied himself simply for fear of doing something wrong, and if he was going to get anything positive out of his encounter with a god--however flawed she might be--he had a notion that this was it, or at least, this was the way to find it.

Once he was settled on his knees, he continued his movement slowly and fluidly to lean forward towards Novelty, his body starting to cast a shadow over the soldier as he brought his lips close to Novelty's, his eyes still flicking between meeting Novelty's gaze and checking the soldier's body language as he progressed. There was certainly a nervousness in his expression, but there was also openness, and maybe even a hint of serenity. He finally let his eyes slide shut as he pressed his lips against Novelty's, the motion soft and warm and steady. Just as fluidly, he pulled back when it felt like something had completed, and he met Novelty's eyes as soon as there was enough space between them to do so, eagerly searching for some hint about whether he'd crossed a line.

((OOC: Made some assumptions that Novelty wouldn't have pulled back.... just couldn't figure out how to gracefully leave it open, and had the impression that it was likely enough that Novelty might let Philip follow through on this since he is being so slow and controlled. That said, if we were wrong in any of those assumptions, please let us know and we will happily rewrite the last paragraph to leave off at a different place or have things go a little differently, just let me know!! Philip really is being careful and attentive here. Though, he's also not a mind reader, so I guess if Novelty freezes that's one thing. But if Novelty backs away really at all, Philip would stop at that point.))

Though Philip remained attentive, Novelty had the impression that some disconnection had occurred, but he couldn't quite put his finger on why. As such, he was a little surprised when Philip's gaze turned more toward Novelty's own body. It wasn't an uncomfortable sensation; it almost felt like Philip was simply taking Novelty in for the first time. Novelty was immensely grateful that Philip was giving himself the permission.

Then Philip got to his knees and leaned forward toward Novelty, and the soldier instinctively unfolded his legs, letting them fall out of the way.

Philip looked directly into Novelty's eyes, and Novelty could not help the slight amusement that crossed his expression--it looked very much like Philip intended to kiss him. Novelty wasn't at all sure what about what he said might have invited that, but a strong burst of excitement exploded in his chest. He didn't want to scare Philip off, so he let the man come to him, although the moment their lips touched, Novelty reached up with his left hand to reach around the back of Philip's neck, Novelty's lips maneuvering softly and expertly as they varied the pressure with which they pressed into Philip's.

After what felt like only a couple seconds, Philip pulled away and looked at Novelty again, but there was little else to say. Kissing was easier than words. Novelty put some pressure on the back of Philip's neck and pulled him forward again, kissing Philip more deeply than before. Alternating between making motions such that he was closer to being on his knees and reaching again for Philip's lips, Novelty finally knelt squarely toward Philip, though it was far more obvious in this position that Philip was several inches taller. The soldier didn't care. He pressed the length of his body against Philip's in time with another deep kiss, allowing in this one for his tongue to taste only the very edge of Philip's bottom lip.

Novelty moaned softly into Philip's mouth and then slowly released him, Novelty's arm returning to his side. The soldier wanted more--there was so much more to explore--but he wanted to make sure that he was right about where Philip wanted to take this. Maybe the lieutenant had only wanted to prove that he could kiss Novelty. Regardless, Novelty's blissful smile and quirked eyebrow invited whatever else Philip might have on his mind.

Chills spread over Philip's scalp and shoulders when Novelty's fingers brushed over the back of his neck, helping to assure Philip that what he had done was all right--desired, even. As if to further assure him, Novelty pushed gently on the back of his neck when he pulled away. Philip resisted for just a brief moment, fearful about the way that pressing forward meant surrendering to something, but he assured himself that Novelty wasn't the goddess; slipping briefly towards surrender didn't mean he wouldn't be able to get back up. With a soft sigh, Philip let his eyes slide shut again, as his lips returned to Novelty's, the soldier now kissing Philip with a fresh depth and excitement. Philip's hands reached for Novelty--one to caress his hip and one to brush through his lively hair. Fear fluttered in Philip's chest, but what was he afraid of?

If Philip's mind had drawn up any notion of what it was he feared, Novelty washed it away with the closeness of his body, the two now practically pressed against each other as they knelt together on the forest floor. Novelty's tongue traced Philip's lip, and then Novelty moaned into their kiss, and an elated excitement spiraled up Philip's core. Then, Novelty pulled back, and the excitement plummeted into fear, but Philip kept himself steady as he met Novelty's gaze and once again reassessed the soldier's body language. He hadn't pulled back far, and he had a blissful smile on his face, his eyebrow slightly quirked. He wasn't laughing at Philip, was he? No, surely that was invitation Philip saw in his eyes?

Philip felt nervousness rising in him, though, and allowed himself to sit back on his feet, his eyes shifting off to the side in contemplation. He supposed he'd answered his own question successfully... but now what? His body was full of yearning, but for what? He looked back to Novelty a little sheepishly, guilt starting to eat into his expression.

"I've... only kissed one other." he said softly, a hint of blush coloring his cheeks. "Before the goddess." he clarified quickly, but then chewed a frown for a moment, wondering if he was being silly to even bring this up, or conversely, whether this was gravely past due. But, if Novelty was so spontaneous with his kisses as he'd been that afternoon, maybe the soldier wouldn't care? Philip brought his eyes back to Novelty with worry tugging at his brow as he tried to figure out what to say. He wanted to find some magic 'right' thing, but that was undoubtedly a fairy tale; there was no 'right' thing, was there? Not here, anyway. Ultimately, he supposed what he really wanted here was just to make a confession, and let that go as it may.

"I was engaged, before the war. Would have been married by now, if..." his fist clenched subtly on his knee, an errant pulse of anger flashing through him. It was irrational, he knew. He had made his choice just as his captain had made hers, and they both had to live with it.

"I just, needed you to know that."

His expression was somber, but docile, waiting patiently now for Novelty to make his judgement on him.

Novelty's curiosity grew cautious as Philip's expression veered toward a frown, and Novelty sat back on his heels for a moment, reassessing the situation. Something was clearly on Philip's mind, and when he spoke, a cold, insistent shiver ran down Novelty's spine and the tips of his toes numbed. There was suddenly a terrible knowing inside him--he had certainly overstepped his bounds with Philip. The lieutenant had only kissed one other? Novelty had long since lost count. And Philip had been engaged? Was still engaged?

The soldier was mortified, his eyes searching the ground for a way to recover or even just take some responsibility. He hadn't wanted to be the reason someone--anyone--cheated, not consciously at least, but then again, that was in some ways a risk Novelty knew he was taking back when he kissed Philip in the tent. Novelty hadn't had any previous understanding of Philip's relationships--only a sudden and uncontrollable desire that he let escape his lips. Harmless, really, when Novelty had thought tonight would be his last night in Asphodel.

And yet, here Novelty was with a pool of guilt on the ground between him and the man he was still damned attracted to. Did he regret having allowed himself such a moment of spontaneous glee? Not exactly, but he was experiencing remorse. There were a tremendous number both individual and collective sacrifices the lot of them had undergone to be here, and Philip had been no exception to that rule, it seemed.

Did Philip expect to go back to his betrothed? Certainly not if he truly intended to go to the goddess the following evening. But, perhaps, was the goddess why Philip felt he couldn't go back?

And, for whatever it was worth, Philip had kissed Novelty just now without further provocation. And enjoyed it so far as Novelty could tell. So, at minimum, the engagement was... complicated at present.

Still Novelty could not have helped the fact that the playfulness of his expression fell steadily from his face, his eyes clouding over somewhat as he guarded himself. The soldier looked down at his hands as though they might tell him what to do next, and the glowing purple of the ground off to the right caught Novelty's attention again. He stared at it for a moment, frustrated for the first time with the dizzying sensation the flowers created within him. He felt intoxicated, and it was difficult clear his mind and think. He wanted to return to the kiss with Philip, to throw himself into whatever else might have--consequences be damned--happened, but Novelty couldn't unhear what Philip had said. And he couldn't, in good faith, continue if Philip didn't... didn't fully want it.

Fighting off a string of apologies, Novelty finally asked, "What... uh... what are they like, your fiancée?"

Philip waited patiently, stealing only light glances at Novelty as the soldier let what Philip had said sink in. It wasn't pleasant to watch the curiosity fade from Novelty's face, but at least he didn't seem angry. Apparently that was what Philip had feared the most. Some part of him might have hoped that Novelty would just shrug it off, but maybe this was better. That it would be dealt with, one way or another, not just brushed aside like it was nothing. Or, maybe Philip was just grasping for silver linings.

"What... uh... what are they like, your fiancée?"

Philip blinked to Novelty with some surprise, his mind going over the words a couple times to be sure he'd understood correctly. Once the notion finally took hold in Philip's mind, he couldn't help the soft smile that lightened his expression.

"Like a warm summer breeze," he said freely, surprised at how easily the words came to him. Worry bloomed in their wake, though, that perhaps it hadn't so much been that Novelty wanted to talk about Philip's fiancée, and more that Novelty may not have been sure what else to say. Sympathy tugged gently at Philip's brow, and he pushed himself to his feet, extending a hand to offer to Novelty.

"I'm sorry I put you in this position," he said, his smile by now faded, but his expression calm and gentle. "For whatever it's worth, I hope she hasn't waited for me. I wouldn't wish that on her."

He worried, after he'd said it, that he was just making excuses--excuses Novelty might not really care to hear--but, it was true. Oh, there had been moments that the thought had torn at his heart, but when it came down to it, he had sundered their engagement when he chose to follow his captain into this war. That act alone made him not the man she'd promised to marry, and gods knew he'd only continued to change. After all, just moments ago, he'd kissed a man he barely knew.

Philip refocused on Novelty, his cheeks warming slightly.

"Shall we get out of this place?" It wasn't exactly that he wanted to, except that it seemed more important now to think clearly, and not question how much of their next actions was them and not just the purple glow. Besides, they'd have plenty of intoxication where they were going tomorrow.

Novelty kept his expression steady as he watched Philip's face soften, though his heart ached within his chest. Had anyone ever looked like that talking about Novelty? It seemed unlikely.

The soldier looked away for a moment, taking a deep breath and trying to imagine that warm summer breeze, what the woman must be like and how well she would fit with Philip. Yes, he could see it now--a little cottage or farmhouse, maybe, the two of them happily settled, perhaps with a baby on the way.

It wasn't a life Novelty could even imagine living, especially not now that he was volunteering to go to the goddess.

Perhaps Novelty should have seen this coming. The resonating sound of Philip's voice was in his mind as he remembered. I doubt I have anyone waiting for me, either.

If Novelty had been thinking more clearly, if he hadn't been so caught up in the conversation, he would have noticed. Philip did have someone waiting. Or at least knew it was possible, if not probably. And Novelty had breezed by it. He hadn't wanted to give it weight. He didn't want to give it weight now. And yet...

Philip extended a hand, and Novelty took it, their subtle calluses grazing, and another wave of ache hit Novelty's chest. His lips faltered into a momentary frown. The uncertainty of whether the engagement was still on only made it all the worse.

When Philip asked if they should go, Novelty nodded out of habit, beginning to walk slowly in the direction of camp. He had, admittedly, accomplished what he set out to do. Novelty would come back here tomorrow to gather what he needed for his offering, and then... and then...

Abruptly, though, he stopped and faced Philip. He couldn't help the fact that his voice raised somewhat as he started speaking. "So, what, you're just giving up? You love her. I can see it in your face. And you're going to the goddess tomorrow like there's not even a chance that you could have everything you want?" Exasperated, Novelty took a hard look at Philip. Maybe he was out of line here--he should absolutely not be speaking to a lieutenant this way--but they had long since blown past keeping in rank, hadn't they?

Ah, there was the anger. Philip blinked at Novelty a bit blankly, his expression slack and motionless. Truthfully, he struggled to understand Novelty's actual words through the storm that was kicking up around him. He wanted to seek shelter and hide. Guilt gnawed at him, but he couldn't quite make sense of it. He felt torn between bowing to the shame that threatened to break over him and defending himself against its onslaught. He tried to hold his ground while he pieced through the syllables Novelty had actually uttered, to respond to the content of them, and not just the vague impression that the storm carried through.

You love her.

That's what Novelty had said. The soldier was angry less about what Philip had done to his fiancée and more about what Philip was giving up on for himself. It was tempting to get defensive--explain all the reasons why he doubted that future was available to him--but he remembered snippets of their earlier conversation, especially when Novelty had said that he had never been loved. It helped Philip's chest open, his shoulders relax. Novelty didn't want Philip to lose what he himself felt he had never had. Still, what did he say to that?

"I do love her. But... she's not everything I want." he finally said, his eyes trailing to the side with a twinge of guilt. It sounded awful to say out loud, but he didn't know how to explain the rest of it. He forced his eyes back to Novelty, to refocus on the soldier before him. The only reason they were having this conversation was because of the ways in which he and Novelty had connected. That was the relevant part in the here and now. Philip instinctively reached out and grasped Novelty's arm, unsure of a better way to refocus on what mattered here. He was quiet for a moment, his soft eyes gently pleading for something, before he found the words to refocus, too.

"This isn't me giving up."

Novelty watched intently as Philip's expression slackened, and Novelty had the distinct impression that Philip had retreated behind several internal walls. Though it pointed out just how far Novelty had managed to pull Philip out of his armor, Novelty was too focused on the here and now of the situation to relish in that.

In the resulting silence after Novelty's outburst, the soldier softened, leaning away from Philip as the tension in Novelty's body left him. There were no winners here, and Novelty hadn't exactly left Philip with an easy path forward. Novelty was pushing Philip away, urging him to cling to a hope that might be empty anyway. And, besides that, Novelty was pushing Philip away from what Novelty himself wanted. But, he couldn't in his right mind allow Philip to give up. If Novelty did, he would constantly worry that Philip might throw Novelty away just as easily.

Novelty shook his head, realizing that such thoughts of longevity with this man he barely knew were ridiculous. They would likely both be in the goddess' clutches tomorrow if each of them had their way.

Finally, Philip spoke and pulled Novelty from his own doubts and remonstrations.

I do love her. But... she's not everything I want.

The words sent a cascade of sensation through Novelty's chest. First, a stabbing pain and then a spark, a glimmer of something new, exciting even. Novelty looked at Philip, the soldier's eyebrows raising with curiosity. Of all the things he expected Philip to say, admitting the appeal to infidelity was not one of them. Perhaps he had judged Philip incorrectly. Was this not the stony, straight-faced, morally upright lieutenant Novelty had heard about under Captain Bronwen's command? No, Philip was also that man. There was simply more depth to him than that.

And then Novelty watched Philip reach softly out toward Novelty's forearm, and the soldier released an exhale he hadn't realized he had been holding. A powerful longing for more contact that seemed to reside in Novelty's throat became increasingly urgent, and when Novelty met Philip's eyes, the gently pleading in them almost begged directly for exactly what Novelty was holding at bay.

This isn't me giving up.

That was all it took. Suddenly, a rush of understanding flooded through Novelty's body, and crashing waves of blue and white momentarily replaced or perhaps overlaid his vision. Philip wasn't giving up. He was living by going to the goddess. He was living by kissing Novelty back. He was living by reaching out to grasp Novelty's forearm now. While Novelty didn't doubt the truth of Philip's love for his betrothed, the soldier was infinitely curious about what she left to be desired.

And maybe the goddess had freshly opened the doors to Philip's curiosities on exactly those fronts.

Novelty couldn't help himself. He smiled and blushed, looking away from Philip's beseeching eyes but unwilling to break the physical contact they shared.

Softly, quietly, with all the kindness of a satisfied lover, Novelty asked, "Then, pray tell, Philip, what more do you want?"

Novelty smiled, and relief danced and unraveled a tight coil from deep within Philip's chest. He felt hopeful that Novelty understood him, and he turned up a small smile himself.

"Then, pray tell, Philip, what more do you want?"

The question surprised Philip, and sent him a little off-kilter again, but with warmth and... fluidity, rather than a rigid storm. Novelty's tone had been kind and content, maybe even a dash sultry--nothing like the anger that had barbed his words before. So, although Philip felt an initial impulse to justify himself, he eased into the idea that, rather, Novelty's question might in fact be an invitation. Philip found excitement in that notion, and took a subtle step towards Novelty, his posture straightening and his eyes narrowing in a calm, confident obfuscation; maybe he didn't owe Novelty any answers at all, if he was willing to simply act.

But his mind drifted to that purple glow on the forest floor not far behind them, and he felt unsteady again, his expression softening with the sensation. Still, he looked thoughtful, and then, he leaned forward to murmur by Novelty's ear,

"Follow me."

The fingers on Novelty's arm lightly trailed down to the soldier's hand as Philip moved to start leading the way elsewhere. Somehow the motions silently offered to grasp Novelty's hand, waiting until the soldier made his own gesture towards it before completing. There was of course some fear pricking at his heart that Novelty wouldn't like this new direction, but Philip was resolved not to let that fear control him. Whatever they would do next, he wanted them both to do it on their own terms, completely.