Written Wonderland

Jaz didn't move from the spot, though her eyelids were heavy. So she was resisting, then. He recalled flashes of what it had been like last night; his palm open on the table tingling in anticipation; the flood of sensation that finally came through the touch she could hold at bay no longer. She continued staring at him for a long moment, and he casually held the gaze, amused and curious about how this was going to go.

Then all at one she sat down in the grass, and Ren's eyebrows raised, amusement plainly cresting.

"Why?" she asked, a spark of defiance in her voice. "Are you in a hurry?"

"Not especially," he said with a shrug, his smile wide by this point. Was it cruel to find this funny? Surely not. He didn't fully understand it, but he was enjoying playing this game, if he could set aside the nervousness that gently buzzed in his belly about what exactly it was they were playing. Admittedly, the nervousness was stubborn and held him there for a moment, uncertain about how he wanted to proceed. But in the end, he was able to release it, and crooked an especially daring grin at Jaz before turning to head back toward the cabin himself. If he was in a hurry for anything, it was simply putting away the dishes and water jug.

"Not especially," Ren said, shrugging with a wide smile when Jaz's eyes flicked his direction. He stayed there for a while, though, at least until his grin deepened and he left her there on the ground, heading back into his cabin with the water jug and the dishes. She watched him go, panic rising in her throat as the buzzing sensation only got louder.

She obviously could just get up and follow him in, but something about that felt wildly unsatisfying. It felt like giving in--and for what? Just so the buzzing would go away?

Jaz closed her eyes and focused on the buzzing sensation that was building to form vibrations and words in her body.

Go ahead and... pack. Go ahead and... pack.

She resisted the urge, and a tension began to build in her forehead, but she urged her eyebrows to relax. She could be calm--she could let this wash over her like it was nothing. She need not follow through. What was the worst that could happen?

Her chest began to ache as the vibrations throughout her body built and strengthened. Her hands began to shake subtly, but Jaz managed to keep her breathing steady. There was a hollowness building between her legs, too, a dull intensity ramping up of its own accord.

If she obeyed Ren, if she packed, would he touch her? The thought, however unlikely, caused her to shift to one side, on her elbow like she was about to stand. Willfully, she laid back down. Surely, at some point, he would come back out, right? And then what? Laugh at her for doing this to herself? What did she want?

A flash of her fantasy of crawling into Ren's lap at the temple came potently to mind, and Jaz realized she was making everything more difficult on herself and probably using up whatever small store of magic she had. This resistance was the worst kind of futile. Especially because she did actually need her pack.

Still, now that she was in this deep, she was determined to at least enjoy what she could of the sensation. Ren had offered her the opportunity, even if it had started as an accident. And he would still owe her something after her little game was over.

Contented by that thought, she sank more deeply into the sensations, trying to amplify them, even, until the vibrations coursed heavily through her whole body.

Go ahead and... pack. Go ahead and... Go ahead. Go. Go. Go. The vibrations echoed with Ren's words, making her shiver and gasp, eyes still clamped shut. She wanted touch badly--from anyone or anything. She thought of the grasses around her, underneath her, and ran her fingers through them, pulling them gently closer and enjoying the ways they stroked her arms. Jaz was even tempted to reach between her own legs to satiate the desire that continued to build there, but somehow she doubted that Ren would much appreciate witnessing that--especially if he hadn't even wanted her to undress in front of him. She hadn't fully given up on Ren coming back out of the cabin to... to what? See her shake and shiver in a puddle of mess?

Had she ever resisted a command this long? The djinn were extremely careful not to use them, so she hadn't had much reason to try. The commands the elders issued were almost exclusively for safety, and those Jaz had had no desire to disobey. Had anyone ever bothered to test the limits of how much the djinn could resist? Could she die this way?

The vibrations amped up a notch, and Jaz felt her breathing quicken. She wasn't fully sure if she could get up now if she tried. Her eyes rolled back, and her hips thrusted subtly into the air. She felt about to surrender to something, and she wasn't entirely sure what. To Ren? No, she was resisting him. What, then?

The hot, metallic core of this land and its magic sprung potently to mind, and Jaz did not hesitate. She gave herself over to the force of nature, flowing in hot molten fluid beside it and with it in her soul, in her mind.

Do what you will, the magic pulsed and echoed around her, sending the vibrations into a climax that stunned Jaz. She bit down hard on her lip to keep herself from crying out and eventually relaxed, settling back into her own body. Eventually, she opened her eyes and blinked up at the sky.

What. In the gods' names. Just happened, Jaz thought, stunned. But the buzzing was gone. The urgency to get up, to obey, was gone. Forever? Jaz found herself wondering, worrying even, but no, somehow, she doubted that. She'd just outlasted this command.

Jaz sat up, pulling her knees closer to her chest, and as she slid her legs closer, she could feel slickness between them. There were still ways in which she ached, but in other ways... her head was clearer. She didn't immediately feel as though she needed touch. She felt... free.

Idly, she looked over toward Ren's house, toward his windows, and with a small, wan smile, she wondered how much of that Ren had watched. What did he think just happened?

Slowly, Jaz got to her feet, grasped a stray grass seed that had clung to her dress, and let it fall to the ground. Intent on strolling into Ren's cabin as gracefully and casually as possible--fully in her own control--she avoided his eye contact completely and rummaged through her pack, pulling out items she decided she could stand to leave here in the cabin's care, tucking them between the now-folded blankets she had used in the night. She didn't say anything, but she couldn't help glancing over her shoulder once with a wry smile to gage Ren's reaction.

Ren was abuzz with some kind of sensation as he stepped back into the cabin--feeling drunk, maybe? He did still worry, a tug of guilt or regret or something like flashing in and out of his awareness, a tug-of-war between that and a playful, daring warmth that the warmth was more often winning. He took his time replacing the water jug on its shelf and putting away the dishes, subduing his worry with images of Jaz resisting his command the previous night, reassuring himself that surely she was enjoying this and at the same time, stoking his own warmth into a more and more brazon burn.

He finally allowed his worry up for a breath once he finally finished his tasks, and he peered out the window toward where Jaz laid down in the grass, and then his worry did make some headway - hadn't she been sitting up when he'd left her? Hadn't she almost looked like she might pass out when they'd played with this last night? Wasn't it irresponsible of him to altogether leave her? But the warmth made a comeback as it directed attention to the fact that Jaz was moving, grasping at grass and even thrusting her hips in a manner one might say was rather suggestive. What the warmth didn't count on, though, was the deeply complex knot of bile that stirred up within him in response, tensing him thoroughly as he shot his attention away from the sight. Oh, it wasn't that he didn't still feel plenty warm, but now he felt a million other things, too, and overwhelm led him to sit down at the table, almost not seeing anything for a moment as he blinked vaguely in the direction of his bed against the wall.

He wanted a drink.

But, that wouldn't be very conducive to taking Jaz to see Baer today, would it? Was any part of this game conducive to that? Was he helping Jaz at all, or just being one of a million selfish souls who would take advantage of her in her travels?

Unnervingly, it felt like just the span of a breath had passed when all at once Jaz was strolling into the cabin, serene as could be. Ren flinched, alarm briefly gripping at his chest that someone unexpected had come into his cabin. He managed to arrive back at the present moment, though -- this was Jaz, his guest, and it was good that he had come in, wasn't it? It meant that she was okay -- right?

But she seemed oddly quiet as she rummaged through her pack, sorting what she would bring with her and what she wanted to leave behind. That was what he had commanded her to do, but he couldn't see any of the relief he thought should be there. This just felt.... normal? It didn't seem rational, but he felt robbed, and anger began to bubble up in him, though he tried to keep it at bay. Jaz almost certainly caught him scowling when she looked over her shoulder though, especially given the wry grin painting her own expression.

Ren turned his scowl back out the window, knowing he needed some time to process whatever had just happened. He knew it wasn't fair to feel angry at Jaz. Maybe he was angry at himself, really. Or... a million other people, quite likely. He sighed, managing to relax at least a hair and shift his attention back to Jaz, though he was tongue-tied for a moment, torn on what to say.

"Was that... enjoyable?" he finally managed. Yet another tug-of-war of emotions tore at him after, but there wasn't much to be done about it aside from allowing Jaz to respond and see where that got him.

Jaz wasn't wholly certain what she had expected to see on Ren's face when she turned around, but the deep scowl she found wasn't it. Her face fell quickly, and she turned back around, intent to finish her task. Somehow, she thought he might be proud of her--she had accomplished the impossible in some ways, hadn't she? But he couldn't know that. From his perspective, it just looked like she disobeyed him, temporarily. But enough to warrant such a facial expression?

A heavy ache in her chest returned. She had thought it was a game, and sure, she had wanted some reaction from Ren, but she didn't actually want to displease him. He was her host, after all, and he could kick her out at any moment. And, beyond that...

"Was that... enjoyable?" Ren asked. Jaz could tell he was trying to salvage the situation, but his tone betrayed a tension and an irritation that Jaz had difficulty placing. What about what had happened set him off so? Was he... jealous somehow? But how did that make sense? He hadn't witnessed the molten core of the land or its magic. Unless...

"I... withstood it," Jaz said, abandoning her pack momentarily to stand and face Ren, though she couldn't yet meet his eyes. She felt raw, tender, and she didn't fully trust herself to act rationally while she tried to explain whatever had happened out there. "The command... broke. Or maybe... I offered it to... something bigger than either of us." Jaz blushed deeply as she imagined trying to describe exactly what that felt like. Eventually, she did meet Ren's gaze, her own eyes filling quickly with watery awe. "It became uncomfortable for a while, and then..." Jaz trailed off, suddenly worried that she might be making things worse rather than better. She wanted to hold Ren, and for Ren to hold her, but she knew she couldn't ask for that right now, so she bent back down to her pack, selecting the last few things before holding it in front of herself and turning to face Ren again, a little sheepish. She felt like crying.

"And then... there was only enjoyment left."

"I... withstood it," Jaz said, leaving her pack and standing, though she didn't meet Ren's gaze. Why? Some part of him wanted to snap at her--why resist if she wasn't enjoying resisting? But he stilled his tongue, and he was glad that he did as she continued.

"The command... broke. Or maybe... I offered it to... something bigger than either of us." Ren tilted his head, curious and intrigued and a little bit scared, maybe. He watched as Jaz's skin gained a slightly rosy color, somehow calling to mind the motion of her hips in the meadow. Ren felt his own face grow warmer, too. Jaz finally lifted her gaze to him, her eyes wet and hopeful and beautiful.

"It became uncomfortable for a while, and then..." She trailed off there, lowering her gaze and then her body, returning her attention to her pack. Ren's chest ached, anxiety buzzing in his stomach. The pull toward regret was strong, but there was also a longing--what had that awe been in Jaz's eyes? Just what had she offered his command to? Did he want to know it? Could he?

Finally she turned to face him again, holding her pack sheepishly in front of her. She looked on the brink of tears, and he imagined for a moment gently caressing her cheek.

"And then... there was only enjoyment left."

Relief unraveled in his chest, the pull of regret releasing him. At least she had arrived at enjoyment, whatever else had happened. He could tell his face was still stiff, though, his defenses still raised. His eyes flicked uneasily over to his bed, his mind supplying again the motion of Jaz's hips in the meadow. He swallowed, his hands clasping nervously between his knees.

"I'm sorry I'm so stiff," he offered, his brow at least dipping apologetic as he returned his gaze to Jaz, though only briefly. He felt confused about why hiz gaze wanted to linger on his bed--it was hardly a noteworthy sight, though he supposed it wasn't always this tidy. The very nature of a bed was complicated for him, he knew, but he felt frustrated by having to look at it. Gods, why had he sat himself down facing that very direction? He sighed and brought a hand up to cover his face, the other crossing protectively over his stomach.

"I think... I realized... when you seemed stuck out there in the field, I... remembered..." Oh, gods, he was starting to feel sick. The hand on his face drifted down to his mouth, his eyes closing protectively. He wanted to match Jaz's candidness--he felt like he owed her that much--but he wasn't altogether sure that he could.

"I think..." His hand dropped down to cross over the other across his stomach, his eyes finally returning to Jaz, soft enough now to let show a warm earnestness. "I shouldn't have left you alone in that state, probably. But, I'm glad you were able to find a way out of it."

After her last statement, Ren's body relaxed visibly, though not completely, and Jaz exhaled a pent-up breath. Ren's eyes flicked over to his bed, swallowing and clasping his hands between his knees, looking defeated.

"I'm sorry I'm so stiff," Ren said, his brow pulling together in apology as he looked at her and then turned his head toward the bed again. She wanted to invite him into it, call off their day trip and just hold each other while they unpacked what just happened and maybe make it happen again, together this time.

Ren moved one hand to cover his face and the other to cover his stomach. "I think... I realized... when you seemed stuck out there in the field, I... remembered..." Jaz listened eagerly while he spoke of his past. It seemed a rare opportunity, and she would accept this gift. Ren's hand slid down to his mouth, and his eyes closed.

"I think..." Ren said again, and Jaz's eyes remained wide, eager, curious. Then both of his hands covered his stomach, and the energy of what he was saying shifted. He looking at Jaz, the soft apology still present. "I shouldn't have left you alone in that state, probably. But, I'm glad you were able to find a way out of it."

Jaz looked down at the floor, a hundred different options splayed out in front of her. After a few moments of silence, she chose one. Setting her pack down again, she took a few slow, tentative steps toward Ren and lowered herself onto her knees at his feet, close but not touching him, never breaking eye contact.

"You didn't leave me," she said, looking up at him. "I left you." Jaz let that statement stand for a moment with all its myriad implications. He could ask her more about that later if he needed to. For now, Jaz dropped her gaze, lightly traveling the length of Ren's leg with her eyes, up his hip and over his torso. It was a soft, caring gaze, gentle and unassuming. She completed this by taking in the top of his head and moving her eyes down his shoulder, arm, knee, calf, and foot, doing her best to emanate care and comfort, even willing a sensation of what Ren had described of Sankera to come over them both, safe as they were here in Ren's cottage.

And then, Jaz briefly closed her eyes and decided to ask for what she felt she was due. Gently, she raised her eyes to meet Ren's once more, that same watery awe in them as she looked at him with a mournful, curious, penitent apology.

Gently, softly moving her lips over the syllables, she asked, "Remembered what?"

Jaz was quiet for a moment, her gaze looking down at the floor. Ren felt his heart pounding quietly but firmly in his stomach as he waited, his skin stiff as stone. Then, her eyes returned to him, and she step toward him. His stomach stiffened further as she approached, but he did not necessarily want her to stop. He liked that she moved slowly, her eyes locked on his in a way that felt open to him--almost like an offering. No sooner did that word cross his mind than Jaz lowered herself to her knees at his feet, and Ren's own expression opened a little, his eyebrows lifting with interest, if a dash of uncertainty.

"You didn't leave me," she said, looking up at him. "I left you." There was some vindication in that, but sadness, too. Relief, and melancholy. His stony insides began to relax, but with that came a seasick sensation, and Ren's thumbs gently caressed over his stomach, trying to offer what soothing they could. His eyes remained locked on Jaz, part vigilance and part intrigue and part admiration. He still didn't know what to make of her, not by a long shot. But, he could not deny that he enjoyed that she was knelt by his feet. It was more comforting than he could make any sense of, perhaps especially when her eyes gently left his. Her gaze traced the shape of him, her expression soft and unassuming. It reminded him a little of Monica, though Monica had never been quite so thorough, and had certainly never been knelt at his feet.

Jaz closed her eyes, then, and Ren drew his awareness back into himself for a breath. His stomach was looser, his insides more settled and relaxed, and he was grateful. He was a little less stony when Jaz met his gaze again, her eyes wet and full of awe. It seemed like there might be something sad around the edges, but Ren found himself drawn into it, the curious openness of her expression, as her soft lips began to form delicate words. The sound of her voice was sweet on his ears, though his gaze finally flicked away as the meaning of what she said settled a fresh knot in his stomach.

"Remembered what?"

Ren glared at the bed, a painful tightness building up in his throat. He supposed he did owe her something. Did it have to be this? Was he even sure what he had remembered? He turned to look back out into the meadow, watch the breeze wave over grasses and flowers. He remembered Jaz gripping at the grass, her hips gyrating. It had been a pleasant sight to his eyes--an exciting sight to his groin--but his stomach had lurched. Why?

"I think... I remembered..." He frowned, the words catching in his throat. He thought he had the thread--he could see where it connected in the distance, could feel the solid tug of it in his attention, but there was a fog in between. What did he actually want to say?

Finally, he brought his eyes back to Jaz. She was patient, attentive, soft. He was grateful.

"Touch that felt wrong." He finally said, his gaze drifting to the floor. "I could... find enjoyment in it, sometimes, but..." He closed his eyes, a fresh queaziness rolling over in his stomach. His thumb gently stroked over it again as he breathed through the sensation. "I think I got scared I had put you in that same position." His eyes opened and returned to Jaz a little sidelong, his expression bordering on sheepish.

Shooting daggers toward the bed with his eyes, Ren tensed as her question settled over him. It wasn't long, however, before he looked out to the meadow. If Jaz wasn't mistaken, he was looking at the place where she had lain only moments ago. Her breath caught in her throat momentarily thinking about what had happened there. He had been watching her.

Still looking away from Jaz, Ren said, "I think... I remembered..." He frowned and squinted a little as though there was something at the edge of his memory--something that another part of him didn't want him to remember.

Ren brought his attention back to Jaz for a moment and said, "Touch that felt wrong." Jaz tried to hold his gaze and help him stay present, but his eyes soon moved on to the floor and then closed altogether. "I could... find enjoyment in it, sometimes, but..."

Jaz didn't move or say a word as Ren rubbed a thumb over his stomach and breathed deeply.

"I think I got scared I had put you in that same position." Only then did he reconnect with her, his eyes uncertain yet seeking behind his light wisps of lashes.

Instinctively, Jaz shook her head slowly, almost putting her hands on Ren's knees in comfort. Recognizing at the last second how ill-timed that would be, she brought her hands behind her back instead in a smooth motion and leaned forward, enjoying craning her neck to look up at Ren from this position.

"Of everything I've experienced here," Jaz began, "your attentions..." she blinked slowly at Ren and briefly looked away, toward the meadow, "...or lack thereof--are what has felt most right."

She let that stand for a moment, but she didn't want to lose the thread Ren had uncovered of his memory. Was there something more he needed there? She was tempted to relate, to tell him about the dark fae she had experienced before going through the portal and finding him, but she didn't want to diminish his experience or compare her experience to his. Suddenly, she remembered the man in the square who had tried to insist that Jaz shake his hand. Ren had gotten so angry and protective. Perhaps this had been part of the reason why.

Beyond reassurances, however, Jaz felt rather tongue tied. Consent was such an important part of djinn culture. But, then again, there were tales of their goddess' hunger growing so great as to overwhelm any rational sense--morality tales, Jaz had always thought, meant to scare children.

But what Ren had experienced was real--there was no doubt about that.

At last, Jaz decided what she would offer. Quietly, she sat up again and pulled her hands around, lifting them up nearer to Ren's face but not touching him. Quietly, methodically, she said, "May every truly welcome touch you experience offer a thousand blessings of healing toward that memory." And, gently, slowly, as to not frighten Ren, she closed her eyes and willed her hands to glow with a small, mild golden light reminiscent of his world's sun, doing everything she could to offer the warmth she spoke of all the way back into Ren's past.

Jaz shook her head--a comforting gesture--and began to move her hands--an alarming gesture, to Ren's nervous system. But in the end she moved her hands behind her back, forming a pleasant angle as she blinked up at him from a slight dip forward.

"Of everything I've experienced here," Jaz began, "your attentions..." she blinked slowly at Ren and briefly looked away, toward the meadow, "...or lack thereof--are what has felt most right."

Ren let out a soft breath--maybe almost a contemplative hum, but not quite enough to vibrate--and shifted his own gaze out into the meadow again. It was hard to take in the true meaning of Jaz's words--or, easy to explain why it didn't mean much, really; the bar seemed rather low, all told. Still, it was nice to hear, and if nothing else, he understood it as a firm assertion that he had not done her wrong in the meadow, and his chest finally released the knot of that worry. It didn't entirely lift the queasiness in his stomach, but it did loosen it a little, at least.

Jaz drew his attention back after a few moments as she sat up a bit, drawing her hands near to Ren's face. Startled, he sat more upright, stiffening yet again as he drew his gaze back to Jaz with a bit of a warning sharpness to it. She did not touch him, though. Instead, she said, "May every truly welcome touch you experience offer a thousand blessings of healing toward that memory."

Ren scoffed a little, his eyes blinking away--toward the bed. He felt defensive, perhaps irritated at the thought that Jaz might think it was as simple as that to fix. Still, he did think of Monica, of gentle hand-squeezes and kind shoulder rubs, of meaningful embraces and, finally, of Jaz brushing his hair. His gaze drew back to Jaz as he noticed a glow in his periphery--her hands emanating a warm light, earnestness radiating with it. Ren sighed, yet another knot loosening. Jaz wasn't trying to tell him that this ought to be enough to fix all his problems; she was just trying to do her best to help how she could. To make the most of her offering, Ran closed his eyes and simply appreciated the warmth for a moment, letting it sink into him.

"Thank you," he said when he felt contented, his queasiness faded and his skin suffused with Jaz's offering. He opened his eyes and offered her a soft smile. Then, allowing himself to follow a whim, a gentle playfulness entered his gaze as he held his hand slowly out toward Jaz, approaching the top of her head, but waiting for a signal from her to connect or withdraw. It did occur to him that this might be a bit of a condescending gesture, but she had positioned herself at his feet, her head now quite conveniently positioned for this. And, he meant it to be a genuinely affectionate gesture, seeming in line to him with the sweet nature of her helpfulness. So, he hoped she would accept this touch offering from him, but if not, he was sure he would find another way to express his gratitude just as well.

Jaz was nervous, at first. Even with her eyes closed, she could feel a block. The golden light she was emitting was not being accepted. There was no flow. Jaz hadn't realized how much she had wanted that before she was denied it. But, if it was a gift, she had to be unattached to whether it was accepted. Then, as she eased off a little, loosening her muscles as she rolled back her shoulders, Ren allowed it in. Jaz rejoiced, the fire in her soul leaping with glee--far from where Jaz imagined Ren's perception of her ended.

In her mind's eyes, the golden river was flowing between them. From her, to him. To a younger version of him.

Just as Jaz might have caught the glimpse of a memory, the flow completed, and Jaz pulled back into only her own awareness, satisfied just past the edge of hunger.

Jaz took a deep breath, opening her eyes to look up at Ren from where she kneeled.

"Thank you," he said with a soft smile. Then, he quirked his head a few degrees, and Jaz's heart skipped a beat. She didn't know what Ren intended as he reached a hand out toward her, and she had half an impulse to flinch away, but she held strong, unmoving, curious. He paused as though waiting for her reaction, and she took another deep breath, closing her eyes again to receive him.

She opened herself toward acceptance and leaned her head forward slightly into Ren's first soft stroke of the top of her head.

Jaz could barely breathe. She wanted more, and she was just on the verge of imagining climbing on his lap again before she... No.

She didn't want him to have to see that again. Not now. It was an effort, but as he touched her, she kept her own memories and experiences at bay, only touching Ren or allowing Ren to touch her where their two edges met--and even then only allowing that sensation skin deep. It was a strangely blinding experience, but not necessarily unpleasant. And after she had held a small amount of the magic of Ren's sun... this was yet another new experience. She could learn to enjoy this.

Well, maybe not only this.

Tentatively, she opened her mind to him, gently sending him a tiny fraction of an echo of the pleasure he had given her in the meadow, however inadvertently.

Do what you will.