Written Wonderland

There was a warmth and a bubbling in Rav's stomach that he hadn't expected to feel again so quickly, sitting here with Nick on the edge of something new. It seemed promising that this felt so possible, the sparks between them becoming more steady and reliable. If Rav had been uncertain before of Nick's interest, it felt plain now, even if it was only an invisible cloud around them.

Nick's smile returned in full force--not the shy one but something closer to a giddy smirk--cheeks flushed. But, soon, like Rav had, Nick also returned to something more neutral. Less noticeable, Rav thought, but the excitement is still there, buzzing under the surface.

"I think I know what you mean," Nick said as he looked down at his mocha, and Rav exhaled his relief. He didn't want to scare Nick off by sounding like he was losing it. Still, Nick hadn't given Rav much in the way of figuring out what was next.

Except, Nick then sighed and met Rav's gaze. "I guess that's part of the puzzle, too, then." Rav's eyebrows pulled together, curious about how they might work on that together--maybe coming up with more subtle gestures or the like--but then Nick started to check his peripheral vision, maybe looking at the other patrons in the coffee shop.

That didn't last long, though, before Nick was grinning again, the force of it making Rav's chest ache.

"Do you think..." Nick started without lifting his gaze, his soft words deeply intentional and slow as they fell steadily one after the other, "... that anyone..." Rav inhaled, unsure where this was going but absolutely riveted to hear the rest. "...is uncomfortable with the energy we have right now?"

Only then did Nick look at Rav with gently raised eyebrows. Simultaneously, under the table, Nick's foot applied more pressure.

A full-body lurch of excitement launched itself up from Rav's pelvis, and it was everything he could do to stay outwardly still. The sensation and its corresponding desire found an outlet in his heavy gaze and parted lips as he drank in the sight of Nick.

But then, it was Rav's turn to double-check his periphery. The coffee shop wasn't exactly crowded, and their table was far enough away from anyone such that they could be reasonably certain they weren't being overheard. Everyone seemed engaged in their own conversations, and the barista busied herself behind the counter, minding her own business. If anyone knew that Rav's sexual energy swirled like a black cloud around him, they weren't letting on.

Rav brought his shoe up slightly until it just overlapped on top of Nick's, testing what it would be like to pin just the toe of Nick's shoe in place, starting gently and subtly increasing pressure.

Quietly, Rav said, "I don't think we've given them enough cause to wonder... yet," the tone of his whispered words practically an invitation to keep riding whatever line they had found here together. "Although I'll admit that some part of me wants to."

Rav dropped his gaze to the table and their hands, aching for skin contact and another subtle game to play.

"Don't worry," Rav said, picking up his empty glass, "I'm not in the habit of indulging that." And then he proceeded to brush his thumb slowly across the rim of his glass--more than a quick gesture but not quite a caress--and the condensation pooled against his thumb until it dripped steadily down the outside of the glass. When it finally dripped to the table, Rav languorously raised his eyes to meet Nick's.

Nick felt a jolt, like something clicked into place and allowed a sudden current to rush through the connection. Rav looked at him with a heavy gaze and parted lips, and Nick swallowed down a pleasant nervousness, heat swelling low in his belly with a subtle pulse. All of the sensations relaxed and muted a little as Rav looked away, taking his own turn to assess their environment. Nick brought his mocha to his lips to take a sip, maybe less for the taste in this moment than for the gesture itself.

It was tempting to just retreat into himself, let Rav assess their surroundings while Nick quietly just took in his mocha and the pressure against his foot. But that was selfish, maybe, perhaps especially in the context of his tendency to lose track of his environment. So, bravely, Nick followed Rav's gaze, keeping his cup in front of his lips as though to hide behind it. He relaxed after he did truly see the people around them, engrossed in their own conversations and paying them no mind, and he slowly set his mug back down on the table--just in time to feel Rav's foot shift.

Nick's eyes shot back to Rav as the man lifted his foot on top of Nick's, exerting a gentle downward pressure that certainly evoked a pin.

"I don't think we've given them enough cause to wonder... yet. Although I'll admit that some part of me wants to."

Nick swallowed again, the warm pulsing in his belly coming back into sharp relief. He felt excited and electric as he wiggled his toes just-so inside his shoe, relishing the pressure of Rav's foot atop his. Some part of him also wanted to give the other coffee shop patrons cause to wonder... but, then fear started to swell, a strange but subtle numbness settling into his toes.

"Don't worry," Rav said, dropping his gaze to the table and picking up his empty glass, "I'm not in the habit of indulging that."

Nick nodded a little, relaxing and feeling sensation slowly return to his toes. His eyes watched Rav's thumb smooth across his glass, and Nick re-grounded in the feeling of the mug in his own hands, less warm now but comforting nonetheless. Rav's glass, conversely, had condensation from the cold of his drink, which pooled against his thumb and dripped down the side. Nick was mesmerized for a moment, until the drops reached the table and he felt Rav's gaze settle back onto him. Nick pulled his own eyes up in turn, his expression wide and open-mouthed and glittering, a crooked grin reforming slowly in the long moment before he spoke.

"Well, I'm really enjoying the energy we have right now." He said, eyes flicking shyly away for a moment before pulling themselves back, eyebrows lifting hopefully. He wasn't sure he should just leave it there, though. As he reflected on what else he might want to say, he realized he felt like maybe he was asking for something, but hadn't actually formed the question. If he didn't even know what he was asking for, how was Rav supposed to know? Nick nibbled briefly on his lip, his eyes falling down to his cinnamon roll in contemplation. Then, his toes wiggled again in his shoe, reigniting the sparking warmth in his awareness as he thought about his question... or proposal, maybe.

"Maybe we can keep playing like this today..." his words were slow and deliberate again, his toes wiggling once again in his shoe, a bit more boldly. "Finding... inside jokes to try out, checking in with how they affect the people around us?" He raised his eyes again once he finished speaking, eyebrows once more echoing the question mark.

Nick nodded, perhaps a little unsure or simply appreciating the reassurance. Eventually, though, after Rav's little stunt with the rim of the glass, Nick's lips pulled into an open-mouthed, dazzling smile that faded slowly, without losing its magnetism, toward a crooked grin.

"Well, I'm really enjoying the energy we have right now," Nick said, eyes darting briefly. Rav thought about Nick's admission last night. I keep thinking about kissing you. Maybe Nick wasn't ready yet. Maybe he never would be ready. Maybe Nick was only here for the anticipatory energy of it all. Last night, that had felt like a tease, a carrot-dangling fantasy. But, now?

"Maybe we can keep playing like this today..." Nick said methodically, and Rav could have sworn he felt Nick's toes wiggle in his shoe beneath Rav's foot. Rav's stomach lit up with sparks in response. "...finding inside jokes to try out, checking in with how they affect the people around us?"

Rav nodded, looking at the table as he set his glass down.

"I like that idea, Nick," Rav said, tilting his head and considering the person in front of him as though they were entering some kind of contract. He pressed down on Nick's toes twice and then withdrew with a deep breath, settling his excitement. If they were going to play around with this, Rav needed to stay in a sweet spot where he could pay attention to others and sink into his own experience. That meant he needed to come up for air.

To help with that, he took another bite of his croissant, through with the hardened chocolate in the center and onto the other side. He was trying not to finish before Nick, but he'd always been a quick eater. Maybe it was the anxiety.

"It seems like you enjoy being on the edge of one thing and another. Being in that liminal space, standing on the threshold. Where do you think that comes from?" He took another bite of croissant, this time nonchalantly, like there had been nothing nefarious at all going on under the table just a moment ago. Rav didn't want to prescribe Nick's experience, but he was curious if Nick had any of his own narratives about it. Or, maybe he would simply tell Rav he had it all wrong and would set the record straight.

Rav nodded, looking at the table as he set his glass down.

"I like that idea, Nick," Rav said, and something about the way the man said his name sent pleasant shivers down the sides of Nick's neck. He also felt Rav's foot press down on his more firmly, twice, before receding, leaving Nick with a strange swishing current of both disappointment and relief.

Nick just sat a little breathlessly for a moment, blinking at Rav as the man gathered up his croissant for another bite. Bashfulness swelled as he realized he was simply watching the man eat, though, and Nick gathered another piece of his cinnamon roll to chew, closing his eyes and letting out a breath to release at least a little of his anxiety. If anxiety was even the right word.

"It seems like you enjoy being on the edge of one thing and another," Rav said, and Nick opened his eyes to regard him again while he chewed his bite of cinnamon roll, his gaze lightly curious. "Being in that liminal space, standing on the threshold." Rav's words brought to mind the moment they hovered outside the park bathroom; the anticipation of reaching for the handle, not sure whether it would open or not. "Where do you think that comes from?"

A subtle lurch of vertigo tightened Nick's stomach, somehow surprised to be asked a question. There was an urge to immediately answer that he had no idea, but he was grateful for the cinnamon roll he still chewed, slowly, giving him an excuse to actually think. His eyebrows rose, his gaze sliding once more to the plant as he contemplated.

His mind went first back to the park bathroom door, regarding the moment with a nervous curiosity. Something had changed after they'd stepped inside. Nick's specter had arrived, maybe. Certainly when Rav had said he wanted to pin Nick. Nick's eyes started to water a little bit, his lips twisting a little to the side. He didn't want to get all sad and underwater again. So, he swallowed his well-chewed bite of cinnamon roll and took in a deep breath, closing his eyes and returning to the moment before they opened the door. No specters there, Nick thought. Nick felt an urge to hold Rav's hand--had they been holding hands before the bathroom, or did that only start after they left? He couldn't remember right now. Regardless, his fingers were still a little sticky with frosting. He reached for his napkin and crinkled it between his fingertips, half just to occupy his nervous hands.

"I think... " he started slowly, eyes on the napkin and his fingers now, "crossing thresholds... maybe it's like, when you walk into a new room and then forget why you went there?" Nick shyly raised his gaze to Rav, his lips turning up a much smaller version of his crooked smile, dampened by the tenderness of specters briefly revisited.

"I think maybe it's easy for me to forget who I'm with. Or what I was doing, even." He shook his head a little, letting out an airy nervous laugh. "I don't know. I haven't looked at this that closely before." His eyes looked back down to his napkin, his fingers still playing with it beyond the usefulness of getting frosting off. A dry napkin only did so much for the sticky feeling anyway.

"Maybe... touched on some of it in therapy, but I don't think we'd identified anything in particular about thresholds, exactly." He sighed a little, starting to feel floaty and taking a pause to try to find his way back to a more grounded feeling.

Rav watched the question land in Nick's body as his chewing slowed and eyebrows rose. Idly, Rav reflected that asking point-blank personal questions like this was something like a pin. Rav had Nick in a vulnerable position, applying pressure. Of course, Nick could always safeword or, in this case, refuse.

But, he didn't, even though water welled in Nick's eyes as his half-smile attempted to keep the emotionality at bay.

Splash zone, Rav thought, unable to help the smirk that spread over his face.

Rav remained patient through Nick swallowing and taking a deep breath, the anticipatory energy in his own gut building all the while. Was this also one of the inside jokes they were playing? No reason for it not to be.

Fidgeting with his napkin, Nick said, "I think... crossing thresholds... maybe it's like, when you walk into a new room and then forget why you went there?" Rav subtly frowned, and his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to understand this information. Somehow, it wasn't at all what he had expected.

Before Rav could decide what he thought about that, Nick looked up shyly and added, "I think maybe it's easy for me to forget who I'm with. Or what I was doing, even. I don't know. I haven't looked at it that closely before." The nervous chuckle Nick let out did little for the gears turning in Rav's mind. What did this mean in practice?

"Maybe... touched on some of it in therapy, but I don't think we'd identified anything in particular about thresholds, exactly." Rav could see the cliff he stood on, hovering over it, looking down. It would be all too easy to throw up his hands with Nick and say, Well, if I could just be anyone to you, then... But, Rav didn't want that. Maybe he was ignoring red flags, but they'd gotten this far, and nothing much hung in the balance, just the potential, the hope.

This didn't need to fit any specific shape--there was nothing wrong with just having a good time. Except, the whole situation dripped with an awful lot more emotion than Rav had ever heard of in any kind of casual fling.

The temptation to text Hannah was strong--So, Nick just said...--but Rav obviously wasn't going to take his phone out now. He sighed, trying to turn away from the cliff to look at his other options.

"That kind of reminds me of... hypnosis, actually. In a... non-professional context, at least," Rav chanced, seeking the fun, the weightlessness. "There's a lot of re-grounding in sense experiences that are real anytime you're about to introduce something that... isn't."

Rav took a deep breath, steadying himself again as metaphorical gravel tumbled over the edge of the cliff.

"Not that I've... I mean. You know. The internet has..." Rav blushed and realized what a hole he had dug for himself. "There's similar therapy practices, I think. Naming something related to each of your five senses or something."

The edge was still there, waiting with a gaping maw. There was a risk, Rav understood, that offering to do the re-grounding for Nick any time they crossed a threshold didn't feel... fair. He would resent it if it started to feel like a chore.

Nick isn't asking you for solutions, Rav told himself.

But, the hypnosis angle...

Still, Rav doubted that telling Nick, You're with me, Rav, whom you have a crush on and want to kiss, would have helped last night, for instance.

Rav was still quiet by the time Nick found his grounding again, and nervousness bubbled in his stomach. Had he made a confession that Rav didn't like? Had Rav been trying to ask about something different? He reached for another bite of cinnamon roll, darting his gaze only briefly to Rav--just enough to clock the gears turning behind Rav's eyes. But at last the man let out his own sigh, and Nick brought his gaze back to him with a shy hopefulness.

"That kind of reminds me of... hypnosis, actually." Nick's eyebrows rose a little in surprise and curiosity. "In a... non-professional context, at least. There's a lot of re-grounding in sense experiences that are real anytime you're about to introduce something that... isn't."

Rav's voice was lighter than Nick had braced for, and he relaxed as the man spoke, although his mind turned with a gentle confusion as he wondered what context Rav had with hypnosis?

"Not that I've... I mean. You know. The internet has..." Rav had suddenly grown a little out of sorts, his cheeks reddening, and Nick's crooked smile gently widened, although he still felt a bit confused.

"There's similar therapy practices, I think," Rav continued, re-finding his footing. "Naming something related to each of your five senses or something."

Nick nodded, and there was an urge to chime in quickly that he recognized that exercise. But once again, he was chewing, and grateful for it. The cinnamon roll might be a little dry, but it was a pleasant sweetness to remind him to keep going slow. Still, it was a little hard to watch Rav's face without saying something, his expression looking heavy and sad, maybe frustrated. It was hard not to feel like Rav was frustrated with him. Nick flicked his gaze toward the plant, but looking away from Rav didn't feel right, either. He furrowed his brow and drew his gaze back to Rav's. His cinnamon roll was ready to swallow, which he was glad for, but he made sure to let out a deep breath before he said anything.

"My therapist taught me the five senses thing just recently, actually. I haven't really practiced doing it yet." His brows lifted with an urge to apologize--like, maybe it's something he 'should' have employed last night--but instead, he exhaled lightly, letting the impulse go. He wanted to reach back toward lightness, and allowed himself an indulgence of bold curiosity.

"You... lightened, talking about hypnosis. What... I mean, I don't know much about it. What... appeals to you about it?" There was another little swell of vertigo in Nick's stomach after he asked the question--was he making an assumption? But, something had added color to Rav's cheeks about it, and Nick wanted to chase whatever that was.

Even having told himself he didn't owe Nick solutions, he couldn't help wondering how it might have played out with Nick during their walk, in the bathroom, at Nick's door.

Rav closed his eyes rather than spend another anticipatory moment waiting for Nick to respond, moving through the scenes in this mind.

You feel the knob under your hand. You know I'm right here behind you. We are only a few blocks away from your house.

Except, there wouldn't be a hypnotic trigger or suggestion. At least, not yet. They would need to have many more negotiations before that would be safe, that much Rav knew.

"My therapist taught me the five senses thing just recently, actually. I haven't really practiced doing it yet," Nick said, inviting Rav back into the coffee shop with a small startle. Returning to the moment at hand, Rav nodded before he quite processed what Nick had said.

Slowwwwwwwww, he reminded himself, taking a breath.

"You... lightened, talking about hypnosis. What... I mean, I don't know much about it. What... appeals to you about it?" Nick asked.

Point-blank questions can go both ways, it seems, Rav thought with a squirming thrill in his stomach.

There was an urge to explain why and how he'd gotten into hypnosis, but that wasn't what Nick had asked, and Rav didn't need to offer that kind of explanation. He recognized that it was risky, getting into kink given his track record with consent, but he could hardly help the journey from one video to another--hypnokink was only a hop, jump, and skip away from the guided meditations he liked.

Granted, most of the recorded content online focused on hypnotizing the listener, and while it occasionally had some effect on Rav, he liked it more as a study, a thought experiment, a fantasy of what he could one day do to someone else, with permission.

Rav started speaking before he fully knew what he was going to say, letting his intuition follow the thread as he let his guard down for a moment. "Hypnosis doesn't work if there's not trust. You need to feel safe to listen and follow direction. It's... one of the biggest trust falls I can think of, actually. I don't..." Rav's voice cracked, and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

Weightless. Weightless. Weightless.

"Well," Rav said, his mouth a hard line and his eyes on the corner of the table. "It's just a fantasy."

Rav was quiet for a moment, and Nick studied the man's face, not altogether sure how his question had landed. He felt optimistic that Rav would say if he didn't want to answer a question, though... or at least, he tried to hold on to that optimism, and somewhat resolved to read Rav's expression as simply thoughtful. Here was hoping.

"Hypnosis doesn't work if there's not trust," Rav said, and Nick let out a small exhale in relief. "You need to feel safe to listen and follow direction. It's... one of the biggest trust falls I can think of, actually. I don't..."

Nick had smiled and nodded a little, understanding and resonating. But Rav's voice cracked when he trailed off, and Nick's brows drew together in concern. Rav closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Nick nibbled a little on the inside of his lip.

"Well," Rav said, his mouth a hard line and his eyes on the corner of the table. "It's just a fantasy."

Nick remained quiet for a moment, breathing through a cascade of urges to reassure Rav in various ways. The first, probably most reckless urge was to tell Rav that Nick felt interested in this -- that maybe it wouldn't have to be just a fantasy. But, they weren't there yet. It would be like so many things that Nick felt interested in, but not ready for. He didn't need to add to the pile. Then came a thought to maybe just tell Rav that Nick enjoyed hearing fantasies, but that kind of...centered Nick's feelings about it, maybe? And it didn't seem like Rav's darkness here was about Nick at all.

An antsiness was swelling in Nick to reply--it was easy to imagine that Rav was feeling anxious in the silence--but even the next impulse to ask Rav about what had darkened his thoughts didn't feel like the direction Nick actually wanted to go. His teeth nibbled on his lip a little more fervently to keep him quiet while he thought. It was probably Rav's specter, and Nick thought back to when they'd set their specters down. Nick had gone and washed his face about his... but had Rav really had the opportunity to do the same? I've earned one weightless day, he had said... but had stating the intention been enough?

"Is there anything..." Nick started slowly, casting his gaze back down to his napkin, "... that would help the fantasy feel more weightless right now?" Once the question was out, he pulled his gaze back up to Rav, ever with a hopeful lift of his brow.

The sensation of curled milk swirled in Rav's stomach, and he wondered if getting dairy milk in his coffee had been a mistake. Though quiet, Nick's expressions passed through variations of attempting to speak and then thinking better of it. Good. That meant he was checking in with himself.

Irrationally, though, Rav started to get angry, frustrated that navigating this process was so hard, irritated that they couldn't just have a good time, exasperated that it was so difficult to stop beating himself up over everything from his past.

But, if Rav wanted Nick to set his specter down, then Rav had to hold up his end of the bargain.

"Is there anything..." Nick said, looking at his napkin and maybe thinking along the same lines, "... that would help the fantasy feel more weightless right now?" Nick lifted his head with wide, optimistic eyes, and it helped cut through the swirling mess in Rav's belly. Even if this was hard, Nick was still here--not trying to fix it for Rav but patiently sitting with him with curiosity. That was all Rav could ask for.

Rav sighed and half-smiled down at his pants before closing his eyes altogether. What if he just let himself fantasize outside of context? Wasn't that what fantasies were for anyway?

What sprang naturally to mind was a bright room and a bed with a fluffy pastel comforter, sheer curtains blowing in the gentle breeze from the window. He and Nick lay clothed in the bed with Rav stroking Nick's hair, their legs tangled up together.

You're safe, and there's nothing to do except breathe and relax, Rav said in the imagination, repeating some of the words his more traditional therapist typically offered at the beginning of a session.

Finally, Rav opened his eyes, realizing that he had a peaceful smile on his face and water in his eyes. He blinked them down before he said anything, but the smile stubbornly stayed. He even chuckled a little.

"Well, I just imagined stroking your hair while offering a guided meditation, so... that felt pretty weightless." Rav's smile spread as he spoke, and he looked at Nick with a new kind of longing, softer and more inviting.

Rav sighed and half-smiled, looking down before closing his eyes altogether. Nick thought that was a good sign, and let out his own small breath of relief before pinching off another bite of cinnamon roll to pass the time. He closed his own eyes, sinking into the tastes and textures of the pastry once more, and then gathered up his mocha to take another drink and intermingle it with his treat. The mocha was nearly gone, the cinnamon roll nearly finished, and he looked forward to their next transition, though he was serene to linger here--on this threshold--for just a bit longer.

Nick brought his attention back to Rav when he heard the man chuckle. There was something still soft and tender about it, but Rav did look lighter when Nick returned his gaze to him, and Nick couldn't even help smiling when he saw the smile on Rav's face.

"Well," Rav said, "I just imagined stroking your hair while offering a guided meditation, so... that felt pretty weightless."

Nick's smile widened, and he hummed a little before swallowing. He made sure he waited a beat before replying, though, feeling the imagination for himself and the warm tingles that danced down his arms in response.

"I love that." Nick's voice was simple, calm, warm, and he simply smiled at Rav a moment longer, lingering in the imagination of Rav's fingers stroking his hair, Rav's voice speaking softly by Nick's ear.

His chest kept feeling warmer and warmer the more he looked at the fantasy, and he got close to saying something about putting it on the attraction roster, but the words didn't quite reach his lips. Maybe that was still too far in the future, and Nick felt fairly rooted here at the coffee shop, where his own fingers were sticky with frosting and Rav's held some combination of condensation and croissant flakes. No fingers through hair right now, then, but Nick did feel a strong tug toward connection in some way, and so his foot went searching under the table for Rav's again, the most accessible way he could think of to share his warmth in the present moment.

Then, bid for connection made, Nick raised the rest of his cinnamon roll--a larger chunk than the pieces he'd been tearing off but just small enough at this point to finish off with determination--in a gesture like making a toast.