Written Wonderland

Nick's responding smile kept Rav feeling buoyant, and the hum coming from Nick's direction felt sweet and rewarding on Rav's skin.

"I love that," Nick said, which was not permission. Still, the fantasy had demonstrated that Rav could get above the sensations of his past, even if he could not resolve them all at once. He wasn't repressing them--he was simply giving himself a well-deserved break. He was putting in the work. He could trust that he would keep doing so, and like his therapists both tried to tell him, shame was a terrible motivator for change.

The statement lingered between them, a potential direction with few other directions yet in sight, and Rav wondered where the conversation would go from here. He was reluctant to leave the fantasy or the possibility.

Then, all at once, Nick's foot found Rav's again, which was impressive because Rav's feet had been firmly on his side of the table since he had metaphorically come up for air. An intoxicating amount of surprise rushed up from his stomach, and Rav made a small, breathy sound halfway to a gasp, his expression relaxing even past where it had resided in imagining his weightless fantasy.

Too stunned to move, Rav watched as Nick raised the rest of his cinnamon roll as though in a toast. A toast to what? Rav wondered. Weightlessness? Possibilities? Cinnamon rolls?

Perhaps it didn't matter. Rav decided to take it as an acknowledgement that they were on the same path now, both of them well and truly committed to keeping their specters at bay. Both specters would surely be there later in the shadows of evening--of that, Rav had little doubt.

Following suit, Rav picked up the remaining corner of his croissant and tore it in two, raising one piece in Nick's direction. But, then, Rav had a wild idea he couldn't shake, and he reached a little further with his piece of croissant, beyond Nick's hand altogether, and leaned forward with eyebrows raised in a question, mouth gently agape in the direction of Nick's last bite.

Rav seemed a little stunned at first, and briefly, nervousness spun in Nick's stomach. Had his foot been too bold? The cinnamon roll toast too odd? But Rav did pick up his croissant after a moment, tearing off his next bite to echo Nick's gesture of a toast.

Satisfied with the small ceremony, Nick began to shift his attention inward toward his cinnamon roll as he contemplated his plan of attack to finish it off, but Rav interrupted the thought as he extended his piece of croissant out past Nick's hand, entering his narrowed field of vision. Nick blinked at it in confusion for a moment before returning his attention to Rav, and a giggle bubbled out of him as he clocked Rav opening his mouth toward Nick's cinnamon roll, his eyebrows playfully questioning.

Nick hesitated briefly, feeling oddly protective of the cinnamon roll. But really, he'd gotten to relish it plenty, and wouldn't it be fun to get a different experience? So, Nick breathed out his attachment to his particular treat and moved into mirroring Rav's playfully agape lips, leaning with a gentle curiosity toward the piece of croissant held out to him, and slowly extending his cinnamon roll toward Rav.

Whatever ultimately came of Rav's silly attempt, the reward of Nick's giggle was more than enough. Rav wasn't entirely sure he was going to follow through--he certainly wouldn't have if Nick hadn't mirrored the motion, leaning forward toward Rav's second-to-last bite of croissant.

It was tricky and maybe a little awkward, timing their movements and angles right to accomplish what Rav had begun, and Rav allowed himself a deep chuckle of his own as he grazed against Nick's pinched fingers, his tongue darting out more than was necessary to lick the edge of Nick's fingertip. Meanwhile, he gingerly placed the croissant in Nick's mouth, thumbing Nick's bottom lip gently in his withdrawal.

Closing his mouth to savor the experience, Rav warmed himself thinking that Nick really had given him the last bite of his cinnamon roll. It was maybe slightly dry, but the sugar and spices hit Rav's tongue with relish, and he salivated plenty to make up the difference.

He found himself laughing again, trying to keep his mouth closed to chew, his eyes watering as he raised his hand to cover his mouth and looked up gleefully at Nick. He lifted his foot against Nick's rhythmically as he searched for a way to express the mirth bubbling up within him. This was all so silly, so simple, but it was weightless. This was a perfect date activity, and Rav was beside himself with delight, hoping that Nick's experience with the croissant was even half as good.

Rav let out his own chuckle as the gesture of proposal shifted into intent. Nick couldn't help another giggle in reply as Rav's lips enveloped the cinnamon roll, tongue caressing fingertips. His own tongue was already grazing the croissant, Rav's thumb brushing Nick's lip in the process of letting the pastry go.

Nick closed his eyes as he closed his mouth around the croissant, his fingers still outstretched and tingling in the wake of the cinnamon roll's departure. Nick grieved it, just briefly, a final little drop of vertigo as he lamented, on some level, not relishing the very last bite. But then, his tongue shifted the croissant for his teeth to close down on. Not sweet and cinnamon-y, but flaky and buttery, and Nick took his time getting to know the new taste and texture.

Another laugh bubbled up from Rav, his foot lifting rhythmically against Nick's. Nick hummed pleasantly as he opened his eyes to look at Rav, now far more interested in the man before him than the textures in his mouth. Rav had reached a hand up to cover his mouth while he chewed, a watery mirth shining in his eyes. Nick wished he could snap a photo right then and there. He wasn't about to try to fumble with his phone--the perfection of the moment surely couldn't last that long--and so all he could do was gaze openly at Rav's face, trying to memorize the sight of it.

For Nick's part, his smile was serene save for a sheen of awkwardness as he finished chewing, and his fingers--still tingling with glee--finally reached for his napkin, though the unbidden thought of Rav licking his fingers clean shook Nick's gaze off to the side. He swallowed and let out an airy giggle, his foot wagging giddily against Rav's in a burst of delight. He felt an impulse to reach his hand out toward Rav, intertwine their fingers again, but once more, the stickiness stopped him.

"I want to go wash my hands." He announced, his fingers antsy with their napkin as he brought his gaze back to Rav. He didn't immediately move to stand up, though, his foot still wagging gently against Rav's, loathe to break contact. After a beat he did start to pull back though, lamenting the withdrawal but reassuring himself that it was to open the door for more contact soon.

Nick's smile was steady, serene, and honest, at least until the bashfulness caught up to him as he reached for his napkin. A giggle followed, and Rav was further rewarded with several bounces of Nick's foot, giddily matching Rav's energy. Sparks of triumph and excitement burst into Rav's stomach, and the urge to escalate something with Nick, to make something of all this buzzing energy between them, made Rav search Nick's face with his eyes.

I keep thinking about kissing you.

Me, too, Nick. Me, too, Rav thought.

But before Rav could think of any discreet way to share more of what he felt, Nick abruptly announced, "I want to go wash my hands." Except, Nick continued sitting there, his foot still moving wildly. Was he looking for Rav's permission or simply conflicted about leaving? Rav wasn't sure. Before Rav could decide, Nick started to pull back, and Rav instinctively leaned away, trying to give Nick space.

In Nick's absence, Rav tried to gather himself. It was probably good that there was a reason to pause. There was a temptation to care less about the other patrons in the coffee shop in the wake of the bubbling excitement. Perhaps that was exactly why Nick had interrupted when he did. Perhaps Rav needed to get quicker on the draw toward checking in.

And yet, Rav could not help but imagine what it would be like to sit in his car with Nick, maybe with a hand on Nick's thigh. He groaned quietly in his throat, uncertain how much of this anticipatory energy he could handle. Could he do this indefinitely?

If he took care of his pent-up pleasure later, maybe. He could also go to the bathroom toward that end, but...

No, he didn't want to rush this, and he didn't want to lose the excitement they had built up together. He could be mature about this. It was just like Hannah's denial sessions, really, except, at the end of those, she usually took pity on him.

Thinking of her, Rav opened their text thread.

Second date with Juicebox. It's going better. We're going slow, and I've been honest. We agreed to set aside our pasts for today.

Rav's finger hovered over the send button, realizing there wasn't an ask in his message. He shrugged, supposing he really just wanted to tell someone who understood. He wanted to give away some of the energy to someone else who would appreciate it.

That done, he almost pocketed his phone but stared instead at the final piece of croissant on the paper wrapper. On a whim, he snapped an angled photo of his empty glass, still dripping with condensation, and the remainder of the croissant, with Nick's coffee mug in the background. He wanted a reason to remember this moment.

Putting his phone away finally, he glanced over his shoulder to see if Nick might be coming back.

There was a rushing, reassuring relief in the water running over Nick's hands. The journey to the bathroom had been a blur of eager, antsy energy in his stomach, and a powerful shyness keeping his gaze fixed on the floor in front of him as he moved, not sure he could handle even accidentally meeting anyone's eyes. It hadn't been unpleasant, but it had been a bit like holding his breath, and at last now he was able to fill his lungs.

He chanced a look up at the mirror, bravely meeting his own flickering eyes, taking in his own giddy, crooked smile. Had he ever fed and been fed in tandem like that? He wasn't sure. His mind searched idly through memories where something like that might have happened before while his fingers collected a little soap and idly lathered for a moment. He briefly visited a summer faire; a fundraiser; a wedding. Ah, but he didn't want to look too closely at the wedding. The newlyweds might have fed each other like that, the cake, in a silly ceremony that curdled an awkward, chagrined sort of warmth in Nick's belly to recall. This had been the same sink he'd just tried to banish this spectre from not so long ago, after all.

Nick took a deep breath and moved his focus back to his hand-washing, his fingers sufficiently lathered and now rinsing off, stickiness flowing away. He brought his freshly cleaned hands to his face, letting the cool water double down on his previous ceremony. I don't want to talk to you right now, he thought to himself, Make your own date.

Unbidden, Nick imagined a response - How? He swallowed a little uncomfortably. He really had been running from this, hadn't he? Awkwardly, he dried his hands off and pulled his phone from his pocket, opening his calendar app. At first he'd intended to genuinely ponder what it would look like to set that date - time with his journal, he supposed? - but scheduling that right now, here in the bathroom while he was on a date with Rav also seemed a bit off. Instead, reaching for the quickest way to get this thought out of his head, he added an event to tomorrow - schedule with specter - and tucked his phone away again. He huffed out a big breath after that and shook out his hands a little, marveling just briefly at the strangeness of this frame of negotiating with specters, but he felt optimistic that his therapist would approve. He looked forward to telling her about all this, but first: time to return to actually living it.

Nick was a little more buoyant on his way back to the table, his previous buzzing giddiness now smoothed out into a gently bubbling stream. He still didn't meet anyone in the eye, but that was nothing new. His vision was soft, taking in the coffee shop as a pleasant background as he moved through it, Rav the only thing in focus. The man turned to look over his shoulder as Nick approached, and it re-sparked the giddiness in his stomach, his smile growing wide.

Briefly, he envisioned hugging Rav, but in the vision Rav was standing. Since Rav was sitting, the vision shifted to Nick awkwardly throwing himself over the man's shoulder, arms around his neck. But no, that still wasn't quite right. The thought also crossed his mind then to stop walking, to think of what he actually wanted to do before he finished his approach, but he resolved not to overthink. You can trust your future self more. Nick was surprised that line from his therapist surfaced now of all moments, but he rode the intuition to keep walking, his freshly clean fingers enjoying a subtle phantom tingle in anticipation of contact.

Nick reached out to Rav once he was close enough, his fingers pressing light but warm on Rav's shoulder on his way past.

Nick's smile widened abruptly when he caught Rav looking, the shine of it contagious, and Rav looked down, unable to stifle his mirror of a reaction. Rav was positive that it would be obvious to anyone paying attention that the two of them were--or wanted to be--intimate, but it was a casual, delighted intimacy that concerned no one, and so what if onlookers might experience a moment of unexpected joy. Surely it would be hard to be upset about that.

Before Rav could compose himself enough to look back up, Nick had set a hand on Rav's shoulder, brief and warm, sending a cool shock down through Rav's spine. He managed to contain his surprise such that he did not startle, but his smile faded to something more open, more curious about what possibilities were opening between them.

The urge to guide their time here in the coffee shop toward a close buzzed in Rav's gut, but he didn't want to rush them. Nick still sat back down, after all, so maybe they weren't quite ready to leave.

Rav itched for a game to play, something like their feet under the table, like his thumb across the condensation of his glass. His eyes traced the edge of the table nearest him, searching his mind. A slow, absurd smile spread onto his face as a rolling wave of excitement splashed down the front of him.

"In the realm of inside jokes," Rav said, turning his gaze intently on Nick and pausing for anticipatory effect, "what do you think about checking in with a game of Red Light, Green Light? I'd say the first, you say the second when you're ready, and in the meantime, we both freeze."

Nick searched Rav's face as he sat down, nervousness bubbling up in the wake of his hand on Rav's shoulder. The question nagged at him: had that been too bold? Rav's expression did look... surprised, maybe? But... open, if Nick had to say. And then thoughtful, and then... slowly, a smile spreading that captured all of Nick's attention.

"In the realm of inside jokes," Rav said, excited nervous tingles dancing through Nick's stomach as he met the man's sharp eyes. "What do you think about checking in with a game of Red Light, Green Light? I'd say the first, you say the second when you're ready, and in the meantime, we both freeze."

Nick blinked slowly as he rolled Rav's words over in his mind. He felt the impulse to say yes sitting in his throat, but he wasn't actually immediately sure what he was saying yes to. Initially he was stuck on some kind of immediacy--did Rav want to play this right now? But then Nick reframed the phrase 'checking in', shifting it from a neutral present possibility to the charged undercurrent that he realized was already in play. Nick was working on checking in, and Rav had prompted him to more than once in their interactions so far. He shrank just a little, slightly embarrassed, but his smile was still wide. With an exhale, he relaxed, his posture returning to neutral as he let go of the urge to hide or apologize. Rav was proposing a game--an inside joke. Nick didn't need to apologize for something that could be fun.

Slowly, Nick nodded, a pleasant thrill rippling through him as he imagined what it might feel like to say 'green light' in that context. Rav having been frozen, waiting in anticipation for the moment when Nick was ready to let him loose. Nick's toes wiggled excitedly in his shoes under his chair, but he also felt the need to slow himself down and double-check an edge case: what if, when he checked in with himself, he didn't want Rav to proceed in whatever direction? His smile softened, his brow furrowing a little bit in thought, and he tilted his head with a cautious question.

"Could I also say 'yellow', maybe, if I realize there's something I need to change or troubleshoot after I check in?" Before he even finished speaking, he felt a friction building up in his mind, a mental soundbite saying obviously or of course you can or you don't even need to say yellow in an irritated sot of way. Nick's mouth twisted slightly to the side, and he added, "Like, would that still feel like part of the inside joke, or would that like... dispel it?"

Nick's reaction--shrinking back and pulling inward, though he maintained his wide smile--made Rav realize he'd come out swinging. No, hello, how was the bathroom? but a rapid return to the edge of the cliff they'd been riding. He knew he was prone to that--coming in with the sharpness of a brand new idea, pushing people off kilter--and he made a mental note to turn that dial down a few notches. He didn't have to lead every moment of his encounter with Nick--he could let some of it unfold on its own.

That said, Nick soon relaxed and nodded, smile softening. He was genuinely considering the game and clearly checking in with himself in the process. Rav lifted his eyebrows briefly in approval.

Tilting his head, Nick asked, ""Could I also say 'yellow', maybe, if I realize there's something I need to change or troubleshoot after I check in? Like, would that still feel like part of the inside joke, or would that like... dispel it?"

It was a good and thoughtful question, and Rav looked up toward one corner of the ceiling in thought. They would need to proceed with caution about this, so the more rules they could make--and remember--about the games they played, the better.

"Let me think out loud here," Rav said, putting both hands on the table. "If I say red light while I'm..." he blushed and looked up at Nick, "...doing something..." he said, looking back down at his hands, "we both freeze. If you say green light, after that, we keep going. If you say yellow, we... do something different." Rav shrugged one shoulder and simultaneously pulled his bottom lip into his mouth briefly. "Not really dispelling, exactly, just... acknowledging. No reason we can't start the game again later."

He let that stand for a moment. "And, if you say red light, I'll still freeze and wait for you to say green, too. Or yellow. And I'll check in with myself in the meantime. So, we can both use it." Rav shrugged again. "It seemed like it might be nice to have some shorthand." Rav lifted his eyebrows in a silent question. Are you in?

"Let me think out loud here," Rav said, putting both hands on the table. Nick sat forward a little, eager to hear the shape of Rav's thoughts. "If I say red light while I'm...doing something..." Rav looked up at Nick, swirling warmth through Nick's stomach before flicking his eyes back down to his hands in thought. "We both freeze. If you say green light, after that, we keep going. If you say yellow, we... do something different."

Rav shrugged, and Nick shifted his gaze to the plant to contemplate this himself, nodding vaguely as he did so.

"Not really dispelling, exactly," Rav added, "just... acknowledging. No reason we can't start the game again later."

Nick noded more concretely at that, drawing his lip into his mouth to nibble on lightly. He liked where this was going, but found himself reaching for another caveat he wanted to check, though the shape of it seemed elusive.

"And, if you say red light," Rav continued, and Nick drew his gaze back, perhaps finding what he was looking for in Rav's words. "I'll still freeze and wait for you to say green, too. Or yellow. And I'll check in with myself in the meantime. So, we can both use it."

Rav shrugged again. "It seemed like it might be nice to have some shorthand." He lifted his eyebrows to Nick, in a way that made Nick want to nod--emphatically--to answer the silent question, but he hesitated, still tracing the outline of a shape incomplete in his mind. He looked down to his own hand as it traced a finger over the table, curving around some invisible edge as he thought.

"I like it," he said tentatively, still searching for what his hesitation actually was. He decided to just think out loud like Rav had, hoping that might help him find it. "I like that it's a pause... like, instead of an end altogether. I guess... yeah, I wouldn't want it to get confused with, like... red." Nick emphasized the syllable once he worked his way up to saying it, intending just to clearly distinguish the full stop after in lieu of continuing on to 'light'. He felt the punch of the word's meaning in his stomach and flicked his eyes up to Rav's face, wondering how it had landed in him. They'd talked about colors at least briefly before contact improv, but it had been kind of fleeting, hadn't it? He swallowed, suddenly uncertain if Rav would actually have any idea at all of what he was actually getting at.