Rav liked to imagine that he had thought of everything, thought through every caveat, but of course, that simply wasn't possible, and Rav could feel it in Nick's hesitation and in the way Nick's finger drew itself across the edge of the table.
"I like it," Nick said in a tone that suggested there was more to the story. "I like that it's a pause... like, instead of an end altogether. I guess... yeah, I wouldn't want it to get confused with, like... red."
Nick's eyes met Rav's, and realization dawned in Rav's mind. He pressed his lips together and nodded, staring with some frustration down at the table. He felt irritated that the children's game and the kink stoplight system used the same language, but at the same time, reaching for other words seemed awkward.
Nick swallowed, and Rav glanced back up at him, realizing that saying the word "red," even out of context, had put Nick off kilter, and maybe that was understandable. It wasn't comfortable to imagine a situation where one or the other of them needed to end whatever was happening immediately.
Had Nick ever used "red" before? Rav wondered. Rav hadn't, although maybe he should have.
"It is probably too close," Rav said with a heavy sigh. "I wouldn't want..." Rav shook his head, not even sure where he was going with that. Was this suggestion even salvageable? He felt his self-critic roaring up for a blow in the background of his mind, but he knew that, if he let that happen, recovery was unlikely, and he wanted to have a good time with Nick today.
With a deep breath, Rav tried to give himself some grace. The only way out is through.
He thought through alternative words and their opposites--freeze/melt, hot/cold, stop/go--but somehow none of them were very satisfying, and Rav didn't know how to throw a "yellow" in there in a way that made sense.
With another sigh, he looked up at Nick and asked, "Any suggestions for other words or do you think we should scrap this idea?" He'd gotten himself into this mess by jumping the gun and feeling like he had to run the show, so maybe he needed to offer the reins to get them back on track.
Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav pressed his lips together and nodded, staring down at the table. Well, it seemed like he did know what Nick was getting at... and he seemed disheartened about it. Nick chewed on his lip, afraid he had spoiled the game by bringing this in. He felt an awful pit in his stomach the longer Rav stared at the table, but he tried to be patient.
"It is probably too close," Rav said with a heavy sigh. "I wouldn't want..." Rav shook his head, trailing off.
Nick swallowed, listening intently. Rav was quiet for another long moment, though. Nick's mind couldn't help spinning up on how he might able able to reassure Rav - Surely they would have been able to tell the difference in practice? And, what would Rav do in public that Nick would want to say 'red' about? - but he knew those reassurances would fall short, for both of them. They couldn't just handwave this edge, not with each of their histories interplaying with one another. But, surely there was another way through.
Rav took a deep breath, something maybe lightening, and Nick watched his expression closely - perhaps shifting from frustrated to thoughtful, which gave Nick some hope. After another long moment, Rav sighed again and looked up at Nick.
"Any suggestions for other words or do you think we should scrap this idea?"
Rav wasn't scrapping the idea altogether. Nick breathed a small sigh of relief, smiling as he released his lip.
"Honestly, I really like 'red light, green light'. Maybe we can have an alternative for just 'red' instead? Like..." his eyes briefly wandered to the plant in thought, but he landed on an idea in short order. "We could say 'red' three times in a row when we mean it in the safeword sense."
His eyes returned to Rav, but his eyes returned to the plant in bashfulness this time, his smile getting crooked. A small, soft hum vibrated in his throat, mirroring the subtle buzzing thrill in his stomach. This seemed like an absurd way to arrive at talking about this, but... he was really excited that they were talking about it. Mustering some bravery, he returned his gaze again, albeit a little bit sidelong.
"To me that would be like, I need to stop what we're doing and check in - like, verbally debrief about something. I really like 'red light' for just... 'pause'." He nibbled his lip briefly, mentally checking his work - would he have been able to say 'red' three times in a row the time he had used it? His cheeks warmed thinking about it, but, yes, he thought he could have. He raised his eyebrows hopefully and asked, "What do you think?"
"It is probably too close," Rav said with a heavy sigh. "I wouldn't want..." Rav shook his head, trailing off.
Nick swallowed, listening intently. Rav was quiet for another long moment, though. Nick's mind couldn't help spinning up on how he might able able to reassure Rav - Surely they would have been able to tell the difference in practice? And, what would Rav do in public that Nick would want to say 'red' about? - but he knew those reassurances would fall short, for both of them. They couldn't just handwave this edge, not with each of their histories interplaying with one another. But, surely there was another way through.
Rav took a deep breath, something maybe lightening, and Nick watched his expression closely - perhaps shifting from frustrated to thoughtful, which gave Nick some hope. After another long moment, Rav sighed again and looked up at Nick.
"Any suggestions for other words or do you think we should scrap this idea?"
Rav wasn't scrapping the idea altogether. Nick breathed a small sigh of relief, smiling as he released his lip.
"Honestly, I really like 'red light, green light'. Maybe we can have an alternative for just 'red' instead? Like..." his eyes briefly wandered to the plant in thought, but he landed on an idea in short order. "We could say 'red' three times in a row when we mean it in the safeword sense."
His eyes returned to Rav, but his eyes returned to the plant in bashfulness this time, his smile getting crooked. A small, soft hum vibrated in his throat, mirroring the subtle buzzing thrill in his stomach. This seemed like an absurd way to arrive at talking about this, but... he was really excited that they were talking about it. Mustering some bravery, he returned his gaze again, albeit a little bit sidelong.
"To me that would be like, I need to stop what we're doing and check in - like, verbally debrief about something. I really like 'red light' for just... 'pause'." He nibbled his lip briefly, mentally checking his work - would he have been able to say 'red' three times in a row the time he had used it? His cheeks warmed thinking about it, but, yes, he thought he could have. He raised his eyebrows hopefully and asked, "What do you think?"
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
That Nick didn't hesitate seemed a good sign.
"Honestly, I really like 'red light, green light'. Maybe we can have an alternative for just 'red' instead? Like... We could say 'red' three times in a row when we mean it in the safe word sense."
Rav blinked, staring at Nick's brightening expression and crooked smile. He was being serious. He wanted this.
"To me that would be like, I need to stop what we're doing and check in--like, verbally debrief about something. I really like 'red light' for just... 'pause'." Rav nodded down at the table as he considered this. He did appreciate having more clear definition for 'red.' When it wasn't clear, Rav felt like he should run out of the room immediately, but that wouldn't actually help someone feel safe using it. Verbally checking in felt like a good way to move forward.
When Rav looked up, Nick's teeth nibbled at his lip just before his eyebrows lifted. "What do you think?"
Rav stared at Nick unflinchingly, though gears turned behind his eyes. It all sounded reasonable, fun even, but maybe there was a lingering sense of having messed up somewhere in the back of Rav's head that made him feel wary about moving forward on this.
What was he doubting? The safety of the game? If it would actually work in practice? Nick's enjoyment of it?
Well, maybe there was only one way to find out.
Leaning forward, Rav's foot found Nick's and applied a considerable amount of pressure on top, eyebrow lifted as he continued staring at Nick.
"Red light," Rav said, restricting himself from further movement, though the pressure on Nick's foot remained.
"Honestly, I really like 'red light, green light'. Maybe we can have an alternative for just 'red' instead? Like... We could say 'red' three times in a row when we mean it in the safe word sense."
Rav blinked, staring at Nick's brightening expression and crooked smile. He was being serious. He wanted this.
"To me that would be like, I need to stop what we're doing and check in--like, verbally debrief about something. I really like 'red light' for just... 'pause'." Rav nodded down at the table as he considered this. He did appreciate having more clear definition for 'red.' When it wasn't clear, Rav felt like he should run out of the room immediately, but that wouldn't actually help someone feel safe using it. Verbally checking in felt like a good way to move forward.
When Rav looked up, Nick's teeth nibbled at his lip just before his eyebrows lifted. "What do you think?"
Rav stared at Nick unflinchingly, though gears turned behind his eyes. It all sounded reasonable, fun even, but maybe there was a lingering sense of having messed up somewhere in the back of Rav's head that made him feel wary about moving forward on this.
What was he doubting? The safety of the game? If it would actually work in practice? Nick's enjoyment of it?
Well, maybe there was only one way to find out.
Leaning forward, Rav's foot found Nick's and applied a considerable amount of pressure on top, eyebrow lifted as he continued staring at Nick.
"Red light," Rav said, restricting himself from further movement, though the pressure on Nick's foot remained.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav nodded, considering. His gaze was fixed on Nick as he thought, and Nick swallowed down butterflies, trying to subdue the impulse to look away. After a long moment, Rav leaned forward and pressed his foot on top of Nick's, sending the butterflies in Nick's stomach scattering with excitement. Rav's foot pressed down firmly, and Nick wiggled his toes in his shoe... to the degree that he could.
"Red light," Rav said, lifting his eyebrow. Nick's smile spread wide and crooked. He was pleasantly surprised that he didn't feel the urge to rush to reply. He thought of the actual child's game - playing with neighbors at the bus stop, a random memory he probably hadn't revisited in several, several years. The point of the game wasn't to rapid-fire 'red light green light'; the space between was where the game happened.
Nick watched Rav like he might have watched one of the other kids at the bus stop, examining that moment of stillness and observing its edges. He wiggled his toes again, feeling the firm, constant pressure of Rav's foot, unmoving. He watched Rav's face, curious about any points that might waver. He wondered about Rav's trajetory, this leaning-in, and asked himself if he wanted Rav to catch him, whatever that would mean in this context. In the child's game, in theory, the idea was to catch the approaching kids off-kilter, send them back to the start when they moved, remain the one leading the game for as long as possible. But... sometimes, you just let the kid in the lead make it the rest of the way, when you were ready.
"Green light," Nick said happily.
"Red light," Rav said, lifting his eyebrow. Nick's smile spread wide and crooked. He was pleasantly surprised that he didn't feel the urge to rush to reply. He thought of the actual child's game - playing with neighbors at the bus stop, a random memory he probably hadn't revisited in several, several years. The point of the game wasn't to rapid-fire 'red light green light'; the space between was where the game happened.
Nick watched Rav like he might have watched one of the other kids at the bus stop, examining that moment of stillness and observing its edges. He wiggled his toes again, feeling the firm, constant pressure of Rav's foot, unmoving. He watched Rav's face, curious about any points that might waver. He wondered about Rav's trajetory, this leaning-in, and asked himself if he wanted Rav to catch him, whatever that would mean in this context. In the child's game, in theory, the idea was to catch the approaching kids off-kilter, send them back to the start when they moved, remain the one leading the game for as long as possible. But... sometimes, you just let the kid in the lead make it the rest of the way, when you were ready.
"Green light," Nick said happily.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav enjoyed the mild burn of the muscles in his back as he kept his body in his leaned-over position, watching Nick intently as his smile spread wide and crooked over his face. Nick's gaze inspected Rav as though expecting that Rav wouldn't hold his end of the bargain--staying frozen, but Rav held firm even as Nick wiggled his toes inside his shoe.
"Green light," Nick said playfully just as Rav's muscles were genuinely beginning to complain. Rav's smile deepened first, and he continued leaning his weight into Nick's foot to apply a mild amount of additional pressure. Then, all at once, he let up, withdrawing his foot and pulling his body fully back upright as he nodded with satisfaction.
"All right, then. That seems to be working," Rav said, grateful they had found a path through. Maybe they really were getting better at this. Rav looked at Nick's coffee, almost empty, and his own last bite of croissant, raising his eyebrows. "Well, what do you think? Thrift store shopping?"
"Green light," Nick said playfully just as Rav's muscles were genuinely beginning to complain. Rav's smile deepened first, and he continued leaning his weight into Nick's foot to apply a mild amount of additional pressure. Then, all at once, he let up, withdrawing his foot and pulling his body fully back upright as he nodded with satisfaction.
"All right, then. That seems to be working," Rav said, grateful they had found a path through. Maybe they really were getting better at this. Rav looked at Nick's coffee, almost empty, and his own last bite of croissant, raising his eyebrows. "Well, what do you think? Thrift store shopping?"