Written Wonderland

While she expected Chris' surprise and even his sudden stiffness to some extent, Jaz did not at all expect Ren's chuckle. She was grateful to hear that he was finding some humor in all this and not just putting another tally onto the list of what she would owe him for after tonight. But when she glanced his way, his head tilted forward, and his smile was intense, sending jolts down all the way down her spine. She shivered around Chris as her eyes rolled back, needing to get some of the energy out.

Jaz backed off Chris a little, going back to just massaging his shoulders. She figured he needed a little break from the intensity. Jaz would love to see his face right now, but there was something else playing out between Nick and Ren. After some nonverbal negotiation, Nick reached for Ren's socked foot and began to massage it. Another jolt passed through Jaz at the sound of Ren's contented sigh, and she had to stop massaging for a moment to hold Chris close. She laid her head on his shoulder and reached around Chris' torso, trying to catch her breath as thoughts flew through her mind.

The heat between her legs continued to build, eager and jealous and ecstatic all at once through her swirling dizziness. The foot touching Ren grew more fervent and excited, reaching under him just slightly. She wanted all their socks off. All their clothes off, even. Just as long as she could listen to Chris' breath catch and Ren's contented sighs all night.

Jaz pulled Chris close and dug the pads of her fingers into his chest in slow pulses, her breath coming a little more quickly as she rocked into Chris slightly.

Should she... say something? Did they need to... talk more? Had she derailed something?

But, no, it all felt organic and happy and exploratory, and Jaz was over the moon with gratitude and wonder. She only wished that she could better see Nick and Ren where they were touching.

Then, it hit her. Jaz did have something to say. Lifting her head and adjusting a little so she could see over Chris' shoulder a little better, she softly said, "So... Chris. I may have neglected to mention... Nick and Ren have met before. Actually the same night I met Nick." Jaz took a breath for dramatic effect. "Nick was so innocently coming home from grocery shopping, and I... may have invited him into a very sexual party at my place."

Quickly, she added, "But, they were both far too intoxicated to remember it, so it doesn't really count. We weren't really talking anyway." She giggled a little after that, her drink catching up to her ability to speak further.

((OOC: Jaz very adamantly wants it known that she does not have socks on. Lol.))

Jaz went back to just massaging Chris' shoulders, and eventually, she wrapped her arms and simply held him, her head leaning against his shoulder. He sighed, one hand reaching up to gently grasp her forearm, thumb caressing against skin. Wild as it felt, it seemed that everyone was genuinely happy with everything that was happening, and he marveled at that. He did feel a little uncomfortable when he realized Jaz's foot was nuzzling against Ren's leg, but he tried to let go of that and relax in to Jaz' embrace. What should be the problem with her touching two of her boyfriends, given the chance to have them both in the same place? It was weird, but... nothing he hadn't opted into, on some level.

But then he noticed her rocking slightly, her fingers digging in to massage Chris' chest. It felt good, and he might not have thought anything of it beyond that, except that it seemed to be in some kind of sync with the way her foot was nuzzling against and up under Ren's leg, and butterflies started fluttering in Chris' stomach.

"So... Chris," Jaz spoke up suddenly by his ear, "I may have neglected to mention..."

Scratch fluttering--butterflies erupted in Chris' stomach, swarming as well up into his chest.

"Nick and Ren have met before. Actually the same night I met Nick."

Chris glanced from Ren to Nick, almost without even meaning to. Ren subtly peeled one eye open to toss a sidelong smirk at Jaz, or maybe Chris, or maybe both of them. Nick was blushing furiously, pouring all of his focus and determination into massaging Ren's foot.

"Nick was so innocently coming home from grocery shopping, and I... may have invited him into a very sexual party at my place. But, they were both far too intoxicated to remember it, so it doesn't really count. We weren't really talking anyway."

Nick's fluster finally overpowered his resolve, and he relented massaging Ren's foot to bury his face in his hands. Ren let out a soft, dark chuckle, and Chris squirmed out of Jaz's grasp, moving to settle closer to Nick on the bed, though decidedly in his own separate bubble, his eyes looking back to Jaz with some fear, and plenty of fluster.

"That's not... what tonight is for... right?"

---

Despite the glances he and Ren had been exchanging throughout the evening, somehow, Nick really hadn't expected that first encounter to actually become a topic of conversation. He supposed maybe it was fair to tell Chris rather than keep exchanging glances he didn't entirely understand, but it was also a bit mortifying. Worry spiraled up from Nick's stomach as he felt Chris moving about on the bed.

"That's not... what tonight is for... right?" Chris asked, and Nick managed to muster enough courage to pry his hands down to his lap and look Chris over. He looked so scared... Nick wanted to reach out to touch him and offer reassurance that way, but, well, Chris had just retreated to his own bubble; it would undoubtedly be counterproductive to go and immediately invade it. All he could really offer in the moment was a reassuring expression, but Chris' gaze was likely too fixed on Jaz to notice.

"Tonight is for meeting." Ren stated plainly, pulling Nick's gaze over to him. "Unlike the party Jaz is referring to."

Nick traced Ren's gaze back to Chris, who looked at Ren with his own bit of sharpness. Chris turned his gaze back to Jaz, nervous and uncertain. Nick shifted his own gaze to Jaz as well, curious how she was doing, and happy to offer a reassuring smile or hopeful shrug, if either seemed appropriate. Maybe it was crazy to feel hopeful right now, but, well, how else should he be? They were laying cards out on the table, if nothing else, and wasn't that a good thing? He did hope that Chris would be able to find more comfort soon, but maybe it was right that they got through the pricly stuff first. Here's hoping.

Hearing her comment to Chris, Nick buried his face in his hands, neglecting Ren's foot. Ren laughed at the lowest end of his register. Gods, he really was enjoying all this, wasn't he?

Chris stiffened and pulled completely away from Jaz, which initially made her pout, but she recovered quickly, pulling her arms around herself for a minute and ultimately crossing her arms.

"That's not... what tonight is for... right?" Jaz scoffed, pulling her foot away from Ren. Would that be so bad? But Ren answered for her.

"Tonight is for meeting," Ren said simply. Nick looked up at him. "Unlike the party Jaz is referring to."

There were a hundred snarky remarks on the tip of Jaz's tongue, but none of them would put Chris at ease.

And Chris was looking at her like he needed her to confirm.

She shrugged. Reaching for her drink, she finally said, "Tonight is for drinks and snacks and maybe cuddles." Jaz finished the rest of her drink then said, "But if shirts come off, I'd be the last to complain."

Nick looked at her, eyebrows pulled together like he was a little worried. Or maybe hopeful. She couldn't tell. But no one was touching her, and it was making her grumpy, the corners of her lips trending downward.

Deciding to take a risk, she leaned over both of Ren's legs to grab a couple pieces of cheese from the plate just off the bed, taking her time on purpose.

On some level, Ren felt bad. Guilt, shame, worry all tugged at the back of his head, much like he imagined similar tugged at Chris. But, unlike Chris, Ren was determined to keep the upper hand on it. Not that he begrudged Chris that. Quite the contrary, there was something endearing about his consternation--that was precisely why Ren couldn't help poking it, even when it made the guilt inside of him flare.

"Tonight is for drinks and snacks and maybe cuddles." Jaz added before finishing her drink. "But if shirts come off, I'd be the last to complain."

Ren let out another soft chuckle, perhaps sharper than he meant it to be. It was just so easy to be a bit biting in this atmosphere.

Then, all at once, Jaz leaned over Ren's lap, reaching for the snack plate and taking her time collecting some cheese. She knew full fucking well the position she'd put herself in, and Ren was damn near tempted to oblige himself of the invitation, but, that would certainly be taking it too far. Instead, he sighed and uncrossed his arms, leaning forward and resting his forearms on Jaz's back, his gaze landing on Chris.

"In hindsight, maybe alcohol was a bad idea with this one if we weren't prepared for her to be affected, having us all in the same place at once."

He tried to deliver it calmly, steadily, with a friendly and lighthearted smile. He genuinely wanted to put Chris at ease, even as endearing as his consternation was. It was only endearing so long as it was within a tolerable range for the guy, and Ren wasn't sure where his line would be. If he could help it, he wanted to avoid crossing it.

---

Chris sat with his fists balled on his knees, face burning with blush as he watched Jaz drape herself over Ren's lap. This was all so much harder than he'd realized it would be. Every time he started to think that maybe he'd be able to relax, he ricocheted right back to scared and uneasy, some kind of powerlessness he didn't understand writhing with anguish in his chest.

"In hindsight, maybe alcohol was a bad idea with this one," Ren staid, leaning on Jaz like a pillow, like a thing. "...if we weren't prepared for her to be affected, having us all in the same place at once."

Chris looked at Jaz, at the position she'd put herself in, in another man's lap. He couldn't help it, he felt... disrespected? That wasn't quite the right word. It was something like rejection, something like helplessness, something like he was being toyed with. At the very least, he was feeling misunderstood. Not that that was unusual. Anger flared in his chest, and he cast his gaze down at the bed, not wanting to direct it at Ren. Though, maybe he'd deserve at least some of it, but Chris couldn't bear collateral right now.

"Nothing has to happen tonight," Nick offered. Chris tried to reel in his glare when he looked at Nick. His expression was soft, trying to be reassuring. But Chris just wasn't trusting it. No matter how much he tried to remind himself about his Tarot card, he was having trouble trusting any of them, and panic was starting to take hold in his chest.

"I need some air," Chris finally said, and promptly pushed himself to his feet off the bed, moving briskly toward the living room.

---

"Shit," Ren said under his breath, sitting up immediately and nudging Jaz to do the same. His guilt wasn't about to let him keep enjoying her touch while Chris bolted for the door.

He was tempted to go after Chris himself--he felt like he might have an inkling of what was going on--but, he stopped himself and looked at Jaz instead. She was Chris' girlfriend; Ren was just some asshole Chris had just met. A second temptation hit him, to at least mouth at Jaz to go after Chris, but he held that impulse tight in his chest, too. None of this was his to make calls about. Jaz knew Chris better than any of them, and it would have to be up to her how to handle this.

Nick similarly looked to Jaz for guidance, his expression now decidedly worried.

Gods, it felt good when Ren put his arms on Jaz's back and leaned forward on her. She didn't want it to stop.

"In hindsight," Ren said, "maybe alcohol was a bad idea with this one if we weren't prepared for her to be affected, having us all in the same place at once."

Were they about to gang up on her again? I can drink alcohol if I damn well please, thank you very much, Jaz thought.

Having selected her cheese after more hesitation than was necessarily, she pulled up most of the way off Ren. But when she looked at Chris--all balled fists with his gaze locked down on the bed--she knew she had made things worse again.

"Nothing has to happen tonight," Nick offered, but Jaz could tell it wasn't getting through to Chris. Jaz's face fell, her playfulness all but gone. Maybe this was all a bad idea. Maybe she was trying to push this too quickly. She just wanted... she wanted them to be comfortable together. But maybe that was too much to ask. Maybe what she wanted was impossible. They were each very different people.

"I need some air," Chris finally said and walked out toward the living room.

Jaz looked at Nick and sighed, genuinely upset with herself now. It wasn't exactly that she regretted her behavior--she didn't feel like it was at all out of character--but she wished she'd had a better idea of how she wanted the evening to go before now. A realistic idea, not just some unlikely fantasy.

"Shit," Ren said under his breath, nudging Jaz the rest of the way up. The cheese in her hand felt absurd now, but she was a little hungry. She nibbled one piece and finally put the rest of it in her mouth, chewing slowly.

It looked for a moment like Ren was about to get up, too, and Jaz's heart clenched painfully. If both of them left, there would be no salvaging this. But Ren didn't actually move. Instead, he looked at her like he was waiting for her to do something. And Nick looked at her the same way.

Right. She needed to like, go be a good girlfriend. But what was she going to say? She wasn't about to apologize for being in Ren's lap. But maybe she could apologize for moving things too quickly.

"For the record, I'd be affected with or without the alcohol," Jaz said with a slight glare toward Ren. Gods, Chris' absence was really getting to her. She almost wanted to cry. Chris had always been so open and receptive when he was alone with Jaz. But, underneath all that, he had been a bit unsure of everything they had done together. He had been masking his hesitance well, but Jaz knew it had been there even before now. It wasn't fair to blaze past all that just because of what she wanted out of this encounter.

"Fuck," Jaz said under her breath, slowly eating the second piece of cheese, her eyes glazing over and becoming distant as she turned to stare down at the bed.

Without looking at Ren or Nick, she straightened her legs and climbed off the bed, avoiding touching either of them. She was almost out of the room before she turned around and pointedly looked at Ren first, then Nick.

"Come out when the two of you are prepared to behave yourselves." Jaz said, but then her stern face melted into a sweet, soft smile, and she winked, closing the door behind her.

When Jaz didn't see Chris out in the living room, she raised a hand to her chest, worried that he had left entirely. But no, his shoes were still by the door. She looked toward her tiny balcony--not even big enough for a chair--and saw a shadow of Chris there. Knocking twice on the door so as to not startle him, she came out, and there was just enough space for her to lean on the railing without touching him.

She looked down from her third-story apartment with her elbows on the railing and clasped her hands, kicking her heel against the apartment wall a couple times.

Finally, Jaz said, "I don't know how to do this either."

She let the statement stand for a minute before she continued.

"With our cuddle session, I could follow a script, but... this?"

She paused again, shaking her head. Quietly, she said, "You've been so brave. I've always thought you were brave. I'm just used to being brave. And brazen. And... well..." Jaz nodded her head back in toward the door as though to indicate her previous behavior.

"Touch comes a lot more naturally to me than talking," she said, staring up into the sky even though it was too cloudy to see stars. "That's no reason to push you, though, if that's not what you want." She should probably shut up now. Yep. Give Chris a chance to reply. But more words were ready to spill out of her if he paused long enough.

It was chilly out on the balcony without his jacket. Chris tapped his foot anxiously against the bottom railing, leaning forward against the top of it and watching traffic below, debating whether it was worth it to dip back in and get his jacket, or if he even wanted to leave altogether. Before he could decide, there were two knocks against the balcony door, and just like that, Jaz was stepping out onto the balcony with him.

Nervousness fluttered in his chest, but he was grateful she had come. Even so, though, he had no idea what to say. He watched her just long enough to see her settle into leaning against the railing next to him, and then turned his gaze back down to the traffic below.

"I don't know how to do this either," she said after a long moment. "With our cuddle session, I could follow a script, but... this?" She paused, shaking her head. "You've been so brave."

Chris furrowed his brow at that, and crouched down. He didn't feel very brave.

"I've always thought you were brave," she went on, "I'm just used to being brave. And brazen. And... well..." She paused half a breath there. Chris fully sat down, leaning back against the building and propping his feet on the bottom rung of the railing, his eyes still sticking to the city.

"Touch comes a lot more naturally to me than talking," she added. "That's no reason to push you, though, if that's not what you want."

"It's not like I don't want to touch you." Chris finally murmured, his arms crossing tightly over his stomach. "And, I mean, it obviously makes sense for your other boyfriends to touch you, too. But, it's way harder than I thought it was going to be."

He uncrossed his arms then to cover his face, elbows tucked in close. Gods, he felt so stupid. A lump in his throat throbbed, threatening to burst forth. He took in a deep albeit unsteady breath, trying to placate it. Then, he swallowed, and mustered his resolve, finding at least a little bit of whatever bravery Jaz was talking about.

"Especially Ren." He crossed his arms over his stomach again, eyes glaring through the railing at the city lights. "I know we've only just met, but I really don't like the way he treats you." Finally, at that, he spared a glance at Jaz, anxious to get a read on how that landed, even as his nerves were eager to flick his eyes away again.

"It's not like I don't want to touch you," Chris said, which soothed some of Jaz's nerves. At least that was still true.

"And, I mean, it obviously makes sense for your other boyfriends to touch you, too. But, it's way harder than I thought it was going to be," Chris explained.

She nodded, looking down at the neighborhood below again. She briefly imagined some other girl touching Ren and cringed inside, her stomach twisting. Ren could ostensibly do that. But Jaz wasn't sure she'd ask to meet her. Let alone get on a bed with her. But, well, maybe...

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Chris, slumped down where he was now, cover his face with his arms.

After a moment, he pulled his arms down again and said, "Especially Ren. I know we've only just met, but I really don't like the way he treats you."

"Especially...?" Jaz said, repeating the word with some disbelief before she could stop herself. She giggled a little bit, then, understanding what Chris was getting at.

"I suppose..." she started, really unsure of how to broach this topic. "Well, I didn't think it would be relevant, but...

"You and I haven't really talked about dynamics much, or like, kink." Jaz sighed looking into the distance.

"There have been a lot of people who treated me... so much worse, and it wasn't a game with them." She paused for a moment.

"This is maybe a little dark, but... it feels more familiar and downright comfortable to be mistreated than it does to be treated well. It's... a coping mechanism, I guess.

"Early on, Ren agreed to play that game with me. We create contexts where he doesn't need to hold back. Where I don't need to hold back. And honestly, I live for those moments. They make me feel seen and whole and welcomed and loved. But it is a game. He does love me. And what you've seen tonight from him? Maybe there was a little of that game slipping out, but honestly? He wants this all to work so much. He's offered quite a number of olive branches, in his way. He suggested this meeting in the first place.

"I think... I think Ren has paved the way for me to love you and Nick. I don't know if I could accept the kindness without soothing the dark past I have inside me.

Turning to look at Chris, wishing she could hold and kiss him, she said, "It's okay that it's hard. This isn't exactly how most relationships work. Your girlfriend is a little fucked up. But it means a lot to me that you're trying."

"Especially...?" Jaz said, almost like she was confused. Then, she giggled. Chris supposed that was good, probably--like, at least she wasn't mad at him--but it made his stomach squirm a little.

"I suppose..." she started, a little uncertain. "Well, I didn't think it would be relevant, but... You and I haven't really talked about dynamics much, or like, kink." She sighed, and Chris swallowed.

"There have been a lot of people who treated me... so much worse, and it wasn't a game with them." She paused for a moment. "This is maybe a little dark, but... it feels more familiar and downright comfortable to be mistreated than it does to be treated well. It's... a coping mechanism, I guess. Early on, Ren agreed to play that game with me."

Chris' mind was starting to spiral outward, or maybe backward, connecting confusing moments in time. He realized, this wasn't the first time he'd seen someone being mistreated--or someone wanting to be mistreated. He squirmed a little, slouching further down against the wall and retightening his arms around his stomach, trying to anchor himself here, now.

"We create contexts where he doesn't need to hold back. Where I don't need to hold back," Jaz continued. "And honestly, I live for those moments. They make me feel seen and whole and welcomed and loved. But it is a game. He does love me. And what you've seen tonight from him? Maybe there was a little of that game slipping out, but honestly? He wants this all to work so much. He's offered quite a number of olive branches, in his way. He suggested this meeting in the first place.

"I think... I think Ren has paved the way for me to love you and Nick. I don't know if I could accept the kindness without soothing the dark past I have inside me. It's okay that it's hard. This isn't exactly how most relationships work. Your girlfriend is a little fucked up. But it means a lot to me that you're trying."

Jaz finally let stand a pause there, and Chris took in a deep breath--significantly shakier than he'd expected. All at once the lump in his throat was back, and he let out a frustrated groan, almost a hum, trying to disperse it.

"I hear you." He said after a long pause, his eyes stubbornly looking out at the city lights, or maybe even just the railing in front of him. He let stand another pause while he worked to collect his thoughts and then carefully added, "I think I understand." He didn't know what to do with all of that, though. He was quiet for another long moment before he finally found more coherent words for what he needed to express.

"But, seeing it... I feel... complicit. Or... helpless. Or both. If... if it's a game you two are playing, then... I don't know how to play along, at least not without feeling like shit."

Jaz worried when Chris didn't reply, and her heart jumped up in throat when he groaned loudly. She ran over her own comments in her head, wondering which part Chris was reacting to. Finally, he spoke up.

"I hear you."

He paused again, and she let him collect himself.

"I think I understand. But, seeing it... I feel... complicit. Or... helpless. Or both. If... if it's a game you two are playing, then... I don't know how to play along, at least not without feeling like shit."

Jaz thought about that for a minute, understanding the concern but also...

"I need you to believe that I can handle myself," Jaz said carefully, not wanting to set anything else off. "I've come a long way."

She let that stand in the air for a moment before her face softened and she asked, "What specifically made you feel complicit?"

"I need you to believe that I can handle myself," Jaz said carefully, "I've come a long way." Chris worried about the defensive note he thought he heard in her voice, but before he could stew on it too long she asked, "What specifically made you feel complicit?"

Chris pressed his lips together in thought. Actually, a specific image did present itself pretty readily, but he needed a moment to figure out how he wanted to talk about it.

"I guess, just before, when you reached over Ren for some cheese, and he just like, leaned on you. And he looked at me, and talked about you. Like, I think that was an olive branch, like you said, but... it felt... dangerous or even wrong to accept, maybe." Chris paused, thinking he might leave it there, but then another memory jumped out at him, and he added, "I guess... it was also kind of like when... well, I mean, early on, he called you 'crazy', and I did play along, and it seemed like maybe you didn't like that. It's... confusing."