Written Wonderland

Novelty's hands were restless against his legs as he continued to study Philip, even as his stomach sunk lower into his abdomen.

Philip shook his head but then said "yes" emphatically, like that was a reasonable response to Novelty's options. Yes, he should give Philip space? Or yes, Philip wanted Novelty's company? The confusion made it such that Novelty could not convince his limbs to move, his eyebrows raising and his mouth turning down on one side as he tried to think about what to do.

"But..." Ah, okay, here's the letdown then, Novelty thought, "I'm not... ready, to clean up... I--" Wait... so Philip did want to go to the river? But, not yet? Philip was staring at his hands like they might manifest some kind of answer, cradling the messy one inside the other, and Novelty could not fathom what Philip needed.

That sensation only intensified when Philip looked at Novelty with wide eyes. Was there something Novelty should understand about what Philip wanted?

Finally, Philip added, "I don't want to go back to who I was before." Now Novelty was thoroughly confused. What about what they had done was like--or not like--who Philip had been, exactly? Novelty's confusion showed on his face, his brows coming together and raising at the same time.

Taking a deep breath, Novelty tried to bring up some of the training Captain Kade had given him in being observant and connecting pieces together. It was possible that Philip was talking about his ex-fiance, Novelty thought, although it felt dangerous to make assumptions in this situation. Finally, Novelty gave up on trying to be clever and decided to just ask a question. Sometimes that was the best and only path to understanding.

"What about you has changed, do you think?" Novelty hoped he was taking the path that would help pull Philip out of whatever malaise he might be falling into, though a hundred questions about whether or not this shift in mood was Novelty's fault still rattled around in the soldier's mind.

Philip's gaze remained on his hand while silence settled between him and Novelty. He felt anxious in the silence, yet also grateful for it.

"What about you has changed, do you think?" Novelty asked after a moment, and Philip relaxed a little, also grateful for Novelty's curiosity.

Philip's thumb cautiously caressed over his palm as he contemplated his answer, venturing into the slick of Novelty's climax there. A shudder ran through his back, and he wasn't entirely sure whether it was fueled by disgust or pleasure. In its wake, he felt angry. He closed his palm over his thumb and closed his eyes with a soft sigh, letting another shudder pass through him.

"It's... absurd," he said sheepishly once he collected his calm, "But..." his eyes opened and looked to Novelty, but embarrassment flared when he met the soldier's gaze, and he quickly looked down to the grass beside them instead. "I've... enjoyed myself. I--" He swallowed, a lump starting to fill his throat again.

"I wish... I hope..." another thick swallow, and a tiny wince in his brow. Was Philip really prepared to say this? His heart thumped in his chest, nearly shaking him with every beat. But, it felt true, and as much as this scared him, he wanted to say it out loud while he could.

"This guilt... I don't want it."

Novelty watched the lieutenant carefully, not wanting to prod him further but also hoping the man might put Novelty's own thoughts to rest.

"It's... absurd," Philip said after another moment, "But..." Philip looked to Novelty, and the solider was hopeful briefly, but then Philip stared down at his hands again.

"I've... enjoyed myself. I--" Philip started, and Novelty wished he could soothe the man somehow. He was grateful to hear that the experience had been enjoyable, but the man was clearly so torn up about it that it was difficult to believe.

"I wish... I hope... This guilt... I don't want it," Philip finally said, his voice tortured through it all, the words caught in his mouth.

Novelty looked down at his knees again, his mind starting to understand what Philip was dealing with. It likely wasn't any particular guilt but guilt itself, intrusive guilt, Novelty supposed. And it likely didn't help that, mixed in with the false alarms, there were legitimate reasons to feel guilty as well: his fiancee, whatever happened between him and Evan, and possibly, what he had or hadn't done with Novelty just now. Novelty wondered, too, if some religious guilt factored into this as well. While most factions of the religious sects treated sexuality as a fact of life, others were less forgiving about it. Novelty thought specifically about followers of Veil and wondered if Philip was one.

The solider took a deep breath, trying to arrange his thoughts into something that might be useful for Philip now. Something to release whatever knot Philip no longer wanted.

"The fact that you care, that you worry that you did the right thing, that counts for something. Guilt is... sort of a physical reminder to make things right."

Novelty paused, tempted to talk about specifics but unwilling to bring Philip further back into his past.

"There's nothing to make right with me, here, now. In fact, this was all..." Novelty chuckled, his bliss waiting for an excuse to return, "...unexpected and magical. So maybe, at least, you could let that part go." Novelty paused for a moment but soon continued. "And, beyond that, tomorrow night, we'll all be new men. Whatever happens, we won't come back the same."

"The fact that you care," Novelty said, "that you worry that you did the right thing, that counts for something. Guilt is... sort of a physical reminder to make things right."

Philip closed his eyes again, yet more tears spilling over. Novelty's words were kind, and yet... how could he possibly make everything right?

"There's nothing to make right with me, here, now," Novelty continued, and that did help some. "In fact, this was all..." the soldier chuckled, and Philip finally managed to open his eyes and look at Novelty, hopeful that he might catch sight of that bliss again. "...unexpected and magical. So maybe, at least, you could let that part go. And, beyond that, tomorrow night, we'll all be new men. Whatever happens, we won't come back the same."

Philip nodded, acknowledging that Novelty was right on multiple counts. Whatever else he had to make right in his life... surely it needn't impede them any further here, now. He managed to let go of quite a lot with Novelty's words, like clouds parting, though some things did still tug at him here. But, it didn't do Novelty any good to simply get hung up. And, he couldn't figure out what exactly to say. With a quiet resolve, Philip sighed carefully, trying to let go of the last clinging bits of this, at least for now. To help, he replayed the sound of Novelty's chuckle, assuring him that Novelty really was all right with how things had transpired. This was all magical.

Philip opened his eyes and nodded again to Novelty, hope softening his expression.

"Thank you. Would you... still like to go to the river, with me?"

Novelty held his breath waiting for Philip to respond. Eventually, Philip nodded, and Novelty let out a quiet exhale, grateful that it seemed Philip was coming around. Maybe this was all salvageable. Even Philip's face looked softer now. That was good, Novelty thought.

"Thank you. Would you... still like to go to the river, with me?" Novelty smiled wide, the thought of the icy water dancing against his back plenty of motivation to rouse himself.

"Yes," Novelty said even more emphatically than Philip had earlier.

Getting to his feet, Novelty held out a hand to Philip, intentionally reaching in the direction of the hand that still had Novelty's fluids on it, nodding permission and smiling.

"Shall we?"

((OOC: Philip can obviously use his other hand, but Novelty wants Philip to know that it wouldn't gross him out.))

Novelty smiled wide, and relief splashed through Philip's chest. He felt lucky to have met such a kind, patient... and beautiful man.

"Yes," Novelty said emphatically as he stood, and then held his hand out to Philip. Philip felt warmed by the gesture, but hesitated, his hand rubbing subtly around his thumb as if to remind himself of its state. But Novelty nodded knowingly, permissively, and besides, what was a little extra mess when they were headed to clean off anyway?

Philip swallowed down his reservations and nodded, mustering the resolve to take Novelty's hand. The sensation of Novelty's fluid between their palms sent a bit of a squeamish shiver up Philip's arm, but he was nonetheless grateful--for the contact, for the help up, and for the acceptance of their states.

Once he was situated on his feet, Philip felt hesitation creep in again, though. He supposed... he had half a notion to keep holding Novelty's hand, but, it wasn't the right hand to walk next to each other with, and, wouldn't it be a bit risky to walk to the river hand-in-hand, even at this hour? Philip's cheeks grew a little warm, and he shyly withdrew his hand from Novelty's, his attention shifting to their surroundings to get his bearings. He didn't get two steps in the direction he started heading, though, before he realized his pants were still unbuttoned. With some embarrassment, he stopped and took care of that, though between his messy fingers and just the fluster of the situation, it took a bit more doing than it normally would have.

Novelty was happy and relieved when Philip took his hand, even with the hand they both knew was a mess. Novelty shivered pleasantly at the touch, momentarily distracted as his mind pulled him back toward the moment when he erupted into that hand, but Novelty managed to get a hold of himself and grip onto Philip's hand well enough to help pull the man to his feet.

The sensations of their hands sliding across each other was comforting to Novelty, but it seemed that Philip was still unsure of himself as he ultimately decided to slide away from Novelty's hand and started walking in the direction of the river.

Thinking that Philip would stay turned around, Novelty lifted the hand that had held Philip's and brought it up toward his mouth where his tongue reached out to taste it. He was terribly curious. It was salty for certain, and Novelty supposed he could have been drinking more water. It was always difficult to get enough in his system. But it tasted... good. Maybe not something he'd intentionally eat for dessert but not entirely unpleasant. There was a certain charm to the distaste. He hoped, for whatever taste Philip might have gotten before... that Philip had enjoyed it to some degree.

But then, Philip remembered that his pants were unbuttoned, and Novelty quickly put his hand down as he blushed, worried that Philip had seen. Looking down to avoid eye contact for a moment, Novelty buttoned his own pants. That done, he closed the short distance between him and Philip and smiled at the man, stopping briefly to place a chaste kiss on the man's cheek before heading in the direction of the water.

Philip had scarcely finished buttoning up his pants when Novelty's lips brushed against his cheek. He startled just slightly, his cheeks hot and his heart fluttering as he blinked after Novelty, watching the soldier's form sway through the moonlight towards the river. With a deep breath, Philip followed after him, in awe of the serenity he suddenly felt. He was tempted for a moment towards a youthful, innocent excitement, to think only of the fact that he was soon to leave a terrible war to go spend time with the man in front of him in the presence of divinity. Was it so wrong to indulge in a moment of pleasure at the thought?

Novelty's mind raced as they walked toward the water, walking just ahead of Philip. He found himself giddy and excited for the prospect of getting into the water, even though it was already chilly and would be even colder in the water. Novelty wondered if he should wash his clothes as well as himself, but he worried about how long it would take them to dry and what he would do once he got back to camp. He had a change of clothes... back in his tent. Maybe best to wash his clothing later. But getting all the way in? Going under? Was it risky, getting his hair wet in the cold?

Well, yes, but it felt even more rash to be going to the goddess of dreams and desire tomorrow, so what was a little more excitement?

Finally, Novelty let himself break into a playful, light run, dodging through the trees near their path and laughing, the warmth of his own blood coursing through his body.

The two of them walked briskly--dare he say, excitedly--through the forest, Philip taking in every movement of Novelty's body he could make out in the moonlight, and enjoying the way his own body instinctively shadowed the man, half in a sort of curious mimicry and half in a thrilling play of pursuit.

Philip was surprised, and startled slightly out of his reverie when Novelty broke out into a run. For half a moment, fear gripped at Philip's chest that he'd scared Novelty--that the soldier had sensed that brief indulgence in a near predatory instinct--but then Novelty laughed, and the sound was music on the breeze, loosening Philip's chest and returning the lightness to his step as he broke out into a run himself, eager to resume his quietly excited pursuit.