Written Wonderland

Rav thought he started to see Nick begin to nod, but Rav kept himself rooted in place until he was sure. Nick swallowed then, and his body stiffened. Rav willed himself to relax and maybe reel in the intensity of his gaze. He looked down at the cement floor of the bathroom, trying to get a handle on himself.

Soon, though, he brought his eyes back to Nick, the hunger having subsided, though echoes of it still lingered. Nick swallowed again, and Rav wondered if Nick was regretting his decision yet. Maybe Rav had come on a little too strong. Then again, wasn't it better that he was honest about what he had wanted? And if Rav had asked to kiss behind Nick's ear, wouldn't he have gotten the same reaction?

"I like the thought of that. A lot," Nick said in a pleasant whisper, but Rav still held himself back, the small hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. He fought the urge to look behind himself. "But I feel scared. If... if you pinned me, and then did something else without saying first, I'm not sure I'd be able to call you on it."

Rav nodded, some of his anxiety trading itself for a familiar sadness, one that brought stoicism back into his expression. He could feel himself closing down. What wouldn't cause that reaction in Nick? Anything?

And it shouldn't be your job to call me on it, Rav thought bitterly.

"How are you faring?" Nick asked with a gentle, apologetic smile. Rav couldn't help the slight huff of a laugh that escaped his lips as he shook his head and bit his bottom lip, eyebrows raising. He had the urge to rub at the back of his neck to try to calm himself down, but he didn't want that to freak Nick out either.

Ah, but that was part of the problem.

"I didn't... uh... I should have had you clarify your request. Asking before I do what I want to do. I'm not trying to be... dense. It's just... if I, say, wanted to leave. Could I leave? Without asking you first?" Obviously, Rav knew that he could leave, but he didn't want it to come at the cost of whatever small amount of Nick's trust he still had. Rav didn't like feeling like Nick was between him and the door, and he also didn't like the near-pleading tone creeping into his voice. Still, Rav wasn't immediately sure how else to answer Nick or offer an alternative. And really, Rav couldn't be the one to offer an alternative. It was Nick's boundary, and Rav had already agreed to it.

Rav had grown more stoic after Nick's confession, and the sadness of seeing the hunger leave Rav's eyes tugged a knot into Nick's throat. Yes, he felt scared, but... surely it wasn't entirely naive to hope to find a path through?

Then Rav gave a huff of a laugh at Nick's question, and Nick began to worry he was going to cry. That seemed terribly unfair to Rav, though, and he tried to swallow it down.

"I didn't... uh..." Rav began to speak, and Nick snapped to attention, glad at least that the man could talk, whatever he was feeling. "I should have had you clarify your request. Asking before I do what I want to do." Nick blinked, feeling lightheaded all of a sudden, his mind already starting to run over the request, prepping to try to figure out where he'd gone wrong in making it. "I'm not trying to be... dense," Rav continued. "It's just... if I, say, wanted to leave. Could I leave? Without asking you first?"

Rav's tone rose in pitch, nearly pleading by the end, and Nick's eyebrows rose dramatically. "Oh! Yes, of course," he said the instant the understanding of Rav's predicament sank in. "I'm sorry."

Nick blinked between Rav and the door, realizing that, while Rav could make an uninterrupted beeline for it, he'd still have to approach Nick to do so. Nick stepped closer to the line of stalls, trying to quickly adjust their relative positions to the door to be equidistant to each other, at least as best he could hastily eyeball.

That done, he returned his eyes to Rav, wide with apologetic concern, and was quiet for a moment. He wanted to clarify more about what he had meant to ask for, but he could feel it coming from a frantic place, and that didn't feel fair to Rav, not while he was potentially still feeling trapped. Breathing through the franticness, he gathered the words for the question he actually wanted to ask, to get his bearings on what the situation actually was in this moment.

"Is there anything else you need from me to feel safe leaving if you want to?" Truthfully, Nick really, really hoped that Rav didn't actually want to leave, that he just needed to know that he could, but of course, for that to be true, Nick had to be okay with it if Rav did want to leave. Nick breathed slowly and deeply, doing his best to keep himself calm and patient until Rav replied.

Nick's eyebrows rose about as high as they could go, and Rav felt like an idiot again. "Oh! Yes, of course," Nick said, which only made Rav feel worse. "I'm sorry."

Rav winced quietly, staring angrily at the floor. Gods, the last thing he wanted right now was for Nick to feel sorry for setting a boundary. He wanted to interrupt Nick somehow, but he couldn't get words out of his mouth.

Nick moved closer to the bathroom stalls, having realized he was standing in the way of Rav's exit, and Rav felt some relief in his chest. He didn't know how to recover in this moment, but he could feel Nick's eyes on him, expectant.

"Is there anything else you need from me to feel safe leaving if you want to?" Rav felt himself getting angrier, but he managed not to show it on his face. They still hadn't fixed the root of the problem. But, granted, at least he felt like he could leave now if this was just too much. Rav took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to do.

Rav chewed on his lip, trying to keep himself from running away from the situation as he thought it over. He managed to keep his ugly, self-critical thoughts at bay, trying to remind himself why he was here.

Why is this relevant? Rav thought, echoing Hannah's words.

"No," Rav said, realizing he needed to address the surface-level situation first. "But I also think I was dodging a bit. I mean, I did feel confused about what I could do with my own body without permission, but... I also just... I don't know. Felt embarrassed." He couldn't meet Nick's eyes, and he did finally manage to rub at the back of his neck.

"I'm..." Rav started. "I'm glad you liked the thought. And, honestly, I'd be content with just about anything that happens here. Even if that is nothing. Maybe... just... it might be easier if you tell me something you want me to do. If... you know... that feels..." Rav trailed off, unable to finish his thought or meet Nick's eyes.

Rav glared silently at the floor, and Nick was starting to feel a little outside of himself. This was bad. But, he'd done everything he could to free Rav; from here, all he could do was tend to himself. So, Nick closed his eyes, and asked himself again what he was afraid of. That he'd messed everything up. That Rav wouldn't want to see him again. That he'd only hurt Rav's recovery, not helped. He was taking on too much responsibility, he knew that. He sighed and pressed a hand to his chest, applying subtle pressure there. The other hand remained at his side, gently caressing thumb over fingertips. He was only responsible for himself. It would be sad if Rav didn't want to see him again after this, but he would be okay. They would still have good memories together. Nick would genuinely wish him well. And, Nick thought he could safely say, he'd at least done right by himself up to this point, which was all he could really do.

"No," Rav finally said. It startled Nick a little, but his body was calmer now, at least, even as he returned his gaze to Rav. "But I also think I was dodging a bit. I mean, I did feel confused about what I could do with my own body without permission, but... I also just... I don't know. Felt embarrassed."

Rav rubbed at the back of his neck, unable to meet Nick's gaze. A great longing pulled at Nick's chest to reassure Rav somehow, swelling with gratitude that it sounded like this might be salvageable. He remained still and quiet, though, letting the flare of franticness in his chest crest and recede without action. Only breath.

"I'm..." Rav started. "I'm glad you liked the thought. And, honestly, I'd be content with just about anything that happens here. Even if that is nothing." Gratitude swelled again, more intensely this time, and tears did finally spill over onto Nick's cheeks. He raised the hand from his side to wipe them from his face, keeping a comforting pressure on his chest with his other hand as he did so. "Maybe..." Rav continued, "just... it might be easier if you tell me something you want me to do. If... you know... that feels..."

Nick nodded, finally allowing himself to let out a breath that betrayed the knot that was fast unraveling in his throat.

"I-- I would love a hug," he said, mustering a crooked, hopeful smile even as he wiped another small cascade of tears from his eyes.

Nick nodded, exhaling heavily. Rav looked up and realized that Nick was crying. Rav's eyes widened, and he felt the urge to comfort Nick, but he didn't know what would be appropriate, so he stayed still.

"I--I would love a hug," Nick said, smiling through his tears even as he wiped another wave of them off his cheeks.

Rav smiled, knots in his chest and stomach loosening easily now.

"A hug I can do," Rav said, smiling. Realizing he didn't want his stiff jacket on for this, Rav shrugged it off and hung it on one of the bathroom door hooks. Then, slowly, he approached Nick, a little nervousness creeping back up. He had the urge to ask if Nick was sure, but Rav wanted to trust him. He couldn't quite complete the action, but he stepped close to Nick and opened his arms, raising his eyebrows hopefully and letting Nick close the distance if he wanted.

"A hug I can do," Rav said, smiling. Nick bit his bottom lip, his own smile widening to absurdity, he felt. He was nearly dizzy with a fresh wave of giddy relief and ridiculous excitement. A brief ripple of doubt dimmed it for only a flash, while Nick put together that a hug was not immediately happening because Rav was taking off his jacket, first. Nick wondered if he wanted to take off his jacket, too, but it sounded like a lot to navigate right that moment. Anyway, by the time he might have been able to will himself to move, Rav had already hung his own jacket on a door hook, and was approaching Nick slowly, arms opening and eyebrows raising hopefully as he got close.

Nick finally relaxed his hands from their self-comforting duties and let out a happy sigh as he stepped into the hug with Rav, so deeply grateful as he pressed his chest against Rav, arms gently closing around the man's back. Rav closed his arms in turn, and Nick let out another sigh, loosening further. He thought fondly of their hug in the alleyway, and remembered that Rav had wanted to go someplace private the other day even just to hug, let alone do ay pinning. He felt himself growing hungry to know still more about Rav, curiosity flaring about just where his cliff had been. But, for now he contented himself with the touch, letting it soak into his body and tucking questions away for another time.

Nick stepped closer to close the hug, nestling quickly into Rav's chest as both their arms reached around each other's backs. A wave of emotion overcame Rav, and he blinked away tears, thinking about how long getting to even this point had taken him. He pulled Nick more tightly to him, though he was very conscious to keep the lower half of his body angled away from Nick.

Rubbing Nick's back, Rav said, "You're so brave, Nick. You're so freaking brave." There was certainly emotion in his voice now, but he just hugged Nick through the pain in his throat.

Tentatively, Rav asked, "May I... bring my hand to your hair?"

Nick relished the gentle pressure of Rav rubbing his back, the warmth of Rav's body against his chest. Then Rav said, "You're so brave, Nick. You're so freaking brave."

Nick blinked his eyes open in surprise, a shaky breath hitching in his throat as another wave of tears blurred his vision. Rav's voice had sounded wavering, too, and Nick squeezed him just a little bit tighter, his fingers kneading gently. Some mixed emotions swirled in his chest about Rav's words--brave and foolish had a fraught relationship in the psyche--but he genuinely didn't think that Rav was being anything but earnest. It was just difficult to know where to put the compliment, maybe.

Tentatively, Rav asked, "May I... bring my hand to your hair?" Thankfully, that added a burst of shimmery serenity to his mix of emotions, helping him to leave his small snags about brave behind and come back more fully to the present moment. He nuzzled his cheek against Rav's chest, closing his eyes again as he nearly purred out, "Yes."

Nick held tightly and nestled deeper into Rav's chest as he said, "yes," the sound vibrating through Rav's ribcage. Slowly, he brought a hand up to Nick's hair, rubbing and gently scratching Nick's scalp, pulling Nick's head further into his chest. It felt good. If he was being honest, it even might have felt better than pinning Nick up against the door would have. It was easy to work with the intimidating air Rav knew he gave off, easy to hide behind it. But it was harder and more rare to find this kind of... release, this vulnerability. Rav wasn't sure he ever really got there with Hannah, or at least, he didn't think she had ever really gotten there with him.

With Nick, it was different. Sure, Rav wasn't paying Nick, but there was also a genuine interest for both of them to figure their shit out. Together. And to not give up. That's really what Rav felt was brave. And, maybe, in that way, he was brave, too.

"Thank you for not running away from me," Rav said, pressing his chin against Nick hair. "Whatever happens from here, I will always be grateful for that."

Rav brought his hand up slowly, and elated tingles danced through Nick's scalp as Rav's fingers settled into place. He breathed deeply, cherishing the closeness they shared in this moment. He felt so grateful that they'd made it here, even after things had gotten briefly scary. He was so grateful that Rav hadn't walked out the door.

"Thank you for not running away from me," Rav said, and Nick couldn't help a small hum of surprised amusement. He nuzzled ever closer into Rav, and hummed again, soft and contented as he felt the man's chin press into his hair. "Whatever happens from here," Rav continued, "I will always be grateful for that."

"Right back at you," Nick said playfully, his fingers kneading more firmly into Rav's back. "I'm really grateful for this moment. Thank you."

He let out a soft sigh after that, feeling something about the moment coming to a close. The hug felt precious, but Nick's mind was beginning to wonder, what next? They couldn't rightly just stand there hugging all night, so, where did Nick want to go from here?

Gently, Nick began to pull back from the hug, moving slowly but not getting stuck. His fingers caressed down Rav's back and danced from the man's hips to his arms, curious to find Rav's fingers, maybe play in his palms while Nick looked up toward his eyes.