Written Wonderland

Especially not by you.

Evan's words rang through Xavier's ears, and he could not help but hear who had hurt Evan and, really, who had put them in this situation in the first place. The goddess. This was her fault. All of this.

Yes, all of this, Xavier reminded himself. If not for summoning her, if not for Evan's dream that the goddess showed Xavier, would they have acted at all? Would Xavier ever have been brave enough to do anything?

Perhaps not. At least not for a long, long while. So, maybe being angry at the goddess wasn't really a useful line of thought. But, still, that did not help the dismay when Evan started putting himself back together, looking in a matter of seconds like he had just been out shirtless for a run while Xavier still stood naked and shivering from both leftover bliss and confusion in the center of Evan's tent. He didn't want to move. He didn't want to put his clothes back on and pretend nothing happen. He didn't want to leave like this. And yet...

Then Evan went and apologized, and Xavier couldn't help it. He got... angry.

"You're apologizing?" Xavier asked, tears very obviously in his eyes now. His abuela had always told him that "sorry" meant "I'll make an honest effort to never do that again." Surely that wasn't what Evan meant? But Xavier was awash with confusion, and Evan still hadn't said anything that even remotely convinced Xavier that what they had done had been worth it to Evan.

Xavier covered his face, deciding that was the more vulnerable part of him at the moment, and suddenly he did wish that he had already started putting his clothes on. He tried so hard to hold onto all the glorious moments of what Evan and he had just done--he wanted to protect those memories from the way he felt now--but already his doubt and confusion was seeping into them.

Finally, Xavier dropped his hands again and said, "You told me... you told me you didn't think you were capable of just doing this once. Is that... is that still true? Or did we... did we..." He couldn't bring himself to say "ruin it," but it was on the tip of his tongue. Again, he looked to Evan for help.

Evan's stomach fell into a pit at Xavier's response. He felt confused, and almost angry. Wasn't apologizing the right thing to do? He'd clearly fucked things up. And yet somehow, an apology fucked things up even more?

Despite the prick of anger in Evan's chest, the urge to hug Xavier hit again when the boy covered his face. Gods fucking damn it, the whole point of what they had done was so that at least Xavier could leave here happy and satisfied, and it seemed that hope had gone straight the fuck to hell. Evan reached up and dragged the nails of both his hands down either side of his neck in frustration, a tiny groan escaping as he did so, though his hands quickly dropped when Xavier spoke again, and Evan gave the boy a rather intense focus, his posture practically snapping to attention.

"Fuck, Xavier," Evan practically gasped the instant it seemed the boy was trailing off, "Of course that's still true. Gods, especially now!" He leaned forward slightly, spreading his arms and raising his voice slightly as he spoke, illustrating a bit of his exasperation. His eyes grew wider, begging for Xavier to be able to hear what he was actually trying to say. But, there was a pause before he found words again, and in that pause he straightened up a bit, his hands falling back to his sides and curling back into fists.

"I just... I mean, I sure as fuck am not agreeing to another day in this state, so there's that." His eyes darted briefly to the side, his words nearly spitting. He still didn't regret the agreement exactly, though it felt pretty fucking stupid that this all started because he was trying to protect Xavier, and then he'd gone and hurt the boy anyway. But... fuck, not focusing on that. Evan clenched his jaw and closed his eyes briefly, then forced himself to relax and bring his attention back to Xavier.

And this time, something new about the boy's state hit him.

The captain swallowed the guilt that twisted in his chest and then calmly stepped over to his cot and swept up the blanket from it. He held it in both hands in front of him as he approached Xavier, a little unsure about whether to simply offer it, or to go all the way to wrapping it around the boy. Gods, he wanted to wrap it around him, but he couldn't help being cautious.

((OOC: I'm honestly not positive what it would take for Evan to feel comfortable wrapping the blanket around Xavier himself, so trailing off here.... I definitely think there are nonverbal cues Evan would take to mean it'd be welcome, and he's not, like, obviously just holding out the blanket for Xavier to take? So, idk, I guess, if you think Xavier would make it fairly obvious that he'd welcome Evan wrapping the blanket around him, you can go ahead and assume that happens in your next post. Or, if you think Xavier would take the blanket without giving Evan ample cues, feel free to assume that. If you wanna discuss more nuance before you make your next post, we can do that too lol. I just wasn't sure how to ask you in person without having you read the post up til now first.))

Evan's gaze intensified, and as Xavier watched him reach up to scratch heavily at the back of his neck, Xavier felt like all of this was going wrong. Evan had said that this would all be risky, but he thought Evan had been talking about the goddess, not about himself... Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea. Evan's stare toward Xavier intensified, and given that Xavier was already on edge, the sound of Evan's somewhat raised and clipped tone made Xavier wince and shiver again. He couldn't remember Evan ever speaking to him this way. Xavier had always been so good at staying in line, at carrying out orders, but... there was no protocol for how to do... this.

But then Xavier processed Evan's words, and it finally sank in that, yes, Evan wanted to do what they had done, and yes, Evan wasn't going back on what he had said. Which should have been relieving. But, instead, Xavier's body still felt clenched and tight in ways he was unaccustomed to.

Regardless, it was good to hear Evan say he wouldn't stand for another night of this. Distantly, Xavier was grateful that Evan seemed plenty capable of standing up to and pushing back against the goddess. Hard to believe he would do anything less, really.

Xavier watched with some remaining trepidation as Evan calmed himself, grabbed something, and approached. Evan held something out almost gingerly with both hands, and his eyes didn't hold even an ounce of the anger his voice had. Xavier couldn't immediately suss out what Evan was holding, but when he realized it was a blanket, he blushed profusely. Yeah, Evan was probably right. They shouldn't be having an argument while Xavier was still naked. If Evan hit him now...

But that didn't feel like the direction things were going, and Evan seemed to be nearly begging Xavier to take it, and not just because he was naked. Maybe Evan really wanted to do something--anything--to make the situation better, just the way Xavier wanted to do something--anything--to leave on a good note.

So, what could he do except accept it?

He touched the blanket with both of his hands and then suddenly realized what he wanted, what would genuinely make everything better.

"Would it be weird if... will you just lie down with me for a minute?" In the rush of everything that had happened, there hadn't been hardly any time or opportunity for... well... tenderness. Or just a breath to bask, even. Xavier raised his eyebrows hopefully, deciding to take the blanket and at least sit down on Evan's cot. Surely one more minute of time together wasn't too much to ask.

Well, Xavier reached out to touch the blanket, and that at least felt like something coming together. His gut relaxed, though a fresh sort of yearning started to tug at his chest. He didn't think much of it, until Xavier spoke, and then the yearning warmed and bloomed and tightened its grip, and it felt good. Evan watched a little dumbfounded at first as Xavier took the blanket and started walking over to the cot.

"Y-yeah," the captain chimed up and started following, absolutely not wanting to leave Xavier hanging here. Though, a moment after he said it, he realized that wasn't quite the right answer. He let out a soft, airy chuckle and gave Xavier a sheepish grin as he sat down, hoping that this was a small enough mistake to get past smoothly. He considered clarifying, but decided that was exactly how to dig himself into a hole. Instead, he summoned the confidence to brighten his grin, and then scooted back to lay down on his side before reaching out to softly trace his fingers along the back of Xavier's arm.

Evan said "yeah," but then followed Xavier over to the cot, and Xavier decided to ignore the misstep, especially after Evan laid fully down and touched his fingertips to Xavier's arm. Xavier shivered pleasantly this time and grinned, lying down and throwing the blanket over both of them. Despite the fact that Evan was still wearing his pants and boots, the feel of his skin against Xavier's own lifted the boy's mood immensely.

Xavier couldn't help it; he nuzzled into Evan's shoulder and wrapped his arms around him happily. Oh gods, yes, this is exactly what he had wanted, though he was a little nervous about Evan's comfort. He felt a warmth blossoming in his lower regions again, but he firmly told himself not to initiate anything further. That would definitely only cause more problems. Instead, he enjoyed the sensations of wherever Evan was touching him, grateful that, finally, they felt... calm, safe, and happy, even. At least Xavier did. It was hard not to, pressed as he was up against Evan's bare chest.

Idly, Xavier started very softly dragging his nails down under Evan's collarbone, thinking about the ways Evan did that to himself to calm down. Getting braver, Xavier pressed in just a little more, looking up at Evan to measure whether or not he understood what Evan liked about it, and if he were to receive positive feedback, Xavier intended to dig them in even a little further, smiling and pressing his lips to Evan's other collarbone.

Evan let out a soft hum as he and Xavier settled in. Gods, yes, this was a good idea. Evan was a little embarrassed that he'd been too caught up in his own spiraling to get them here himself, but he was grateful Xavier had figured it out--saved the fucking day, arguably. Evan's cheeks warmed, and he squeezed Xavier against him.

A nearly-silent gasp escaped his lips when he felt Xavier's nails by his collar bone. It was tempting to pass it off as incidental, but then they pressed in deeper, and Evan couldn't help a soft sigh as warmth spread across his skin from the lines Xavier drew. His eyes had shut too, but he felt Xavier's head move slightly, and he forced himself to steal a glance. Course, as soon as he got that glance at Xavier looking curiously up at him, the captain looked back up at his tent with a fresh shade of blush on his cheeks, which only grew warmer when the boy pressed his lips to his skin.

A nervousness bubbled amongst the warmth in him, but he tried not to let it ruin the moment. This felt good. Evan squeezed Xavier again, and gently pressed his cheek into the boy's hair.

"Yeah..." he whispered after a moment, the smile on his face somehow audible in his smooth, hushed tone. "I definitely want to do this again."

Xavier hummed pleasantly into Evan's collarbone, ecstatic that it felt like Evan and he were on the same page again. Thank goodness. Absently, he placed another kiss on Evan's chest, his fingers still tracing their nails into his captain's skin. The boy tried to ignore how hard he was getting again and just bask in the fact that he was with Evan in Evan's tent, which really was fantastic.

He reached to kiss Evan's neck, humming once more as he thought about when they might get to do this again. The lieutenant couldn't help but reminisce about what they were doing just minutes before. The way Evan flipped Xavier onto his back on top of his chest, the way Evan pressed his length against Xavier, the way it felt when Evan finally pushed inside even though it was risky. Xavier moaned subtly. Yes, yes, yes, it had all been soooo worth it.

"I. Can't. Wait," Xavier said, looking up at Evan with a grin. He was glowing. This was what happiness felt like.

Xavier's happy reply stoked the warmth in Evan's chest, and the captain let the last bit of tension in him relax. Even his lust was now dulled to a pleasant and manageable glow, reverberating in tune with the happiness and relief that washed over the rest of him. He knew he couldn't stay here forever, but gods damn, it felt good to just bask for a bit.

---

((OOC: Continuing from Lance and Ari's conversation))

Once his card game had wrapped up, Lance engaged in just enough smalltalk with his companions to not look too eager, and then took his leave. He absolutely wanted to learn more about this volunteering business than Captain Nicolaides seemed to have info on. Maybe he should have gone ahead and indicated he was interested to her, but doing so in front of the others was a bit, eh, trite? Not that Lance hadn't already boasted hypothetical interest a time or two, but this was concrete, and he wasn't about to make light--certainly not with Rowe doing just that in the group already. Besides, he'd dropped the captain some hints during their game, so hopefully she'd catch 'em if that's really what she was looking for.

Thus departed, Lance roamed around saying hi to a few folks he knew paid attention to things, casually dropping Rutliff into conversation when he could. It wasn't long before he heard tell of the captain making an appearance in the mess tent--not especially common for Rutliff in the first place, and on top of that, it sounded like he'd talked pretty openly about this volunteer business while there. Course, Lance could tell he couldn't trust the accounts of what exactly the captain had said, and resolved that, yeah, he really did want to get straight to the source.

The sandy-haired soldier made his way towards the tents for Rutliff's retinue, and it wasn't long before he caught sight of Gavin... and gods be damned, maybe it was just Lance projecting, but he could swear the quieter soldier's intention to seek out his captain about the very same topic seemed written on Gavin's face, plain as day. Lance smirked, and quite casually made his way over.

He'd intended on a playful remark about their shared endeavor, but then heard why Gavin was skulking. Rutliff wasn't merely busy or unavailable; he was occupied, if the moan that issued from his tent was anything to go by. Lance finished his approach quietly and raised his eyebrows to Gavin with an amused grin, tilting his head in a raised nod off to the side.

"C'mon," he said softly, "If we want him in a decent mood, we should probably let him finish up first."

Maybe it was too presumptuous on his part, but that wouldn't be the first time Lance had done similar. If he was wrong about what Gavin was doing, he could shrug it off easily enough. But, he really suspected he wasn't.

((OOC: if it's relevant, I'm estimating that just then, Lance heard Xavier's moan after Evan penetrated him; that way, Gavin likely could've heard things from the first round of interaction, and they'd still have a bit of time to kill on a brief walk. Still undecided on if they should come back while Evan and Xavier are still basking, or as or after Xavier leaves. I guess if we decide as or after Xavier leaves, we can pan back to Evan and Xavier as seems relevant lol.))

Xavier thought, if the world would allow, he could easily stay wrapped under this blanket and Evan's arms forever. He even threatened to doze off a few times, his fingers still stroking Evan's collarbone subconsciously. Was this love? It felt like love just then. But, as Xavier subtly shook himself to keep from falling asleep, he took a deep breath and decided to break the stillness.

"I don't mean to keep you. This was really all I needed." He warmly pressed further against Evan's skin, deciding that, whether or not Evan was done, Xavier didn't want to overstay his welcome. His duties as lieutenant called him, and the longer the two of them were absent, the more risky it was that someone would catch on... that is if the noise from the tent wasn't enough.

But, Xavier hoped that, at minimum, few soldiers had noticed Xavier walking in, so as long as he was subtle about leaving... Evan could have been with anyone.

Some part of Xavier hated how believable that was. But, he reassured himself, Evan wasn't with just anyone. Evan was with him.

Not exactly exclusive while he's fucking the goddess, though, a renegade thought offered. Hmmm... Xavier supposed that was true, but that was part of what he had signed up for right? Did he want Evan to promise there wasn't anyone in addition to the goddess? Would Evan even have time for such a thing? Probably not.

Disentangling slowly from Evan with a small smile, Xavier began retrieving his clothes, sneaking glances back at Evan that lit up Xavier's face each time. Xavier stopped for a moment and decided to say, "Just so you know, I'm not... doing this with anyone else." After pulling up his underwear, he added, "and I obviously don't expect the same from you. You've got a goddess to please." Xavier said it in a joking tone as if he were going to knock Evan in the shoulder about it, but there was a heavy truth to his words, too.

Xavier pulled up his pants and buttoned them, proud that he had finally matched Evan's clothed state. As he pulled his shirt over his head, he began to ponder how he would leave. Had they waited long enough that it wouldn't look bad for Xavier to leave Evan's tent? Was it possible to slip out from under one side? Well, that would definitely look suspicious, wouldn't it? No, it was probably best if Xavier just left on his own and walked away as if everything was normal.

---

By the time the card game had ended and Captain Nicolaides had left, Gavin had resolved to talk to Evan about volunteering. Evan was his captain after all, and though Evan probably already had people in mind... Gavin found himself wanting to be among them.

Why? he asked himself. But then an immediate answering response in his mind: You know why.

For the last few years, the duration of the rebellion and then some, Gavin had successfully been masquerading as a man. Not because women couldn't do what Gavin wanted to do--Mizu herself was an example of that--but simply because Gavin wanted to. He couldn't explain it, even to himself, but the thought of admitting to really anyone that he wasn't... that he didn't... Gavin shivered.

But, that had made it difficult to... interact with anyone, especially when Gavin still found himself attracted to men. He sighed as he started walking toward Evan's tent. And he thought the goddess could help with all that? Maybe. If she was the goddess of fantasies... maybe she could sort him out. Plus, amidst all the other volunteers who would be in a similar predicament, would it matter that Gavin was not, in the traditional sense, a man?

Not to mention that Gavin hadn't joined the army to fight, and he was tired of standing on the threshold of another battle. Much rather that he have his act of heroism and be done with it. And maybe learn something about himself in the process.

Once Gavin had made it over closer to Evan's tent, he stood near one of the campfires, curled around the edge of another tent, wondering if Evan was awake after his evening with the goddess. How lucky that he got to see her every night and return to tell the tale. Yes, Gavin really did want to hear about it directly from him.

Just as Gavin was about to sit down and content himself with what might be a rather long wait, he heard a gasp and then a chuckle from the direction of Evan's tent.

Oh dear. It seemed Evan already had company. An uncomfortable warmth spread through Gavin, and he blushed, wondering if he should leave for a while or if it would look strange to stay right where he was and continue listening, ears perked as though they could raise themselves up to hear better.

And then a deep moan erupted from the tent... Yes, that was definitely the sound some of his tentmates made when they thought they were being quiet in the middle of the night. Maybe Gavin should leave...

A familiar voice started speaking before Gavin could decide, however, startling him such that he jumped about an inch off the ground.

It was Lance. Had he had the same idea Gavin did? Of course he had. He had been dropping hints all through the card game. Gavin just thought Lance would have made his level of interest more obvious beforehand. Lance wasn't one to keep something quiet.

Gavin blushed profusely as Lance approached and nodded more out of habit than anything, ready to follow Lance even though some part of him wanted to stay. Better to let Lance think Gavin had been preparing to interrupt, anyway.

Gods, drifting off was tempting. In a lot of ways Evan was running on fumes, and here in his cot holding Xavier against him, he felt the promise of the most restful nap he'd had in ages. He was in his own process of debating with himself about why that wasn't a good idea when Xavier spoke up, and then disentangled and started to get dressed. Evan sat up, almost as if tugged by a string Xavier pulled along with him. It certainly felt that way, what with the pain in his chest. Luckily Xavier at least stole glances back, keeping the pain pleasantly warm and oh so very worth it.

He was surprised, though, when Xavier went and started talking about exclusivity, and his expression couldn't help but show it, though at least it seemed light. He supposed it was a reasonable conversation to have; it just wasn't one he was particularly used to having. He wasn't even sure that he and Yukiko had ever had that conversation, not explicitly. And, as Xavier thankfully was willing to point out, the goddess also somewhat complicated that conversation here.

Evan found himself tensing his shoulders before he even realized it, let alone understood why. His stomach also turned, nausea briefly flashing across his expression. That was when he made sense of what was happening: the realization that not only could he not promise Xavier exclusivity regarding the goddess herself, but he also couldn't promise him exclusivity regarding anyone under her control. Then again, they'd put that behind them, right? Still, Evan's cheeks burned to think about it, and he was lost for a moment in the anger that apparently wanted to bore a hole in the floor of his tent.