Written Wonderland

((OOC: following Yukiko's talk with Mizu after Evan's first night.))

Yukiko kept a calm and steady expression as she left Mizu's tent, careful not to let herself fully express her astonishment or amusement or anything else about what she had learned just yet. It seemed like things were going to be kept on the down-low for now, and Yukiko was certainly not one to let things slip un-strategically.

What she did want to do, though, was stop by the infirmary to learn which soldier had awoken; she knew one of her men had been among the fallen. And sure enough, Trevor was no longer there babbling incoherently on a cot. Yukiko lingered just long enough to acknowledge the soldiers who were still there, to send them well-wishes and, on some level, attempt to assure them that Yukiko's happiness for her own soldier didn't disregard their states.

Then, the next question was how to check in with Trevor.

Normally the right thing might be to simply let his lieutenant handle it, but Yukiko felt some friction in herself towards that plan. Trevor and his new lieutenant seemed to get on all right--certainly better than his previous lieutenant--but they hadn't had much time to develop a personal rapport, whereas Trevor had approached Yukiko about changing units in the first place, which hadn't come from nowhere. Perhaps he'd appreciate her being the person handling the debrief? Even so, she wouldn't want to rush into it. Well, part of her certainly did, but that part was reckless and insatiably curious, and what Trevor likely needed was her most patient and dignified self here.

Yukiko did decide to inform Trevor's lieutenant, as it seemed she deserved to know in the very least. The women both agreed it was probably best for Yukiko to speak with Trevor first, unless the soldier actively approached his lieutenant, so at least that was settled. After that, the captain went about her day normally, keeping an eye out for Trevor but not actively seeking him out just yet.

She finally crossed paths with him as he exited the mess tent and she happened to be walking by. The captain smiled gently to him, but was firm in meeting the soldier's gaze. It was time.

"Come walk with me," she said lightly as she nodded her head towards the river. Trevor had never seemed particularly comfortable in enclosed spaces with her, so she figured a walk just outside of camp might be a better setting than asking him back to her tent. She waited only a short moment before she began walking that direction.

After leaving the conversation with Evan and Mizu, Trevor actually had a moment to check in with himself. He felt like he hadn't eaten in days, like he hadn't slept in days, and like he hadn't showered in days, and as far as he could tell, that was all plausible. Gods, he was starving, but he couldn't stand how filthy he felt. That would need to change before he could do anything else.

He stopped by his tent to grab a change of clothes--thankfully none of his bunkmates were there--and headed toward the river.

Grateful that no one intercepted him except with their astonishment that he was now awake--keeping his head down did wonders to dissuade any further engagement--Trevor made it to the river without incident. He wandered a ways off from where other soldiers were washing their clothes and otherwise lounging to a deserted spot where he stripped down to nothing and waded slowly into the water, letting it wash over his body and enjoying the chill against his skin. At least until it reminded him of the chill of the mist in the goddess' realm and the way her hands across his chest warmed and moved him in contrast. What did he have now? Nothing. Just the chill. Just the river. Just the ache of not being there with her.

Trevor's eyes started to water, so he stubbornly dove into the deepest part of the river, which was still only about six feet deep, and let it carry him down the bank a ways before standing up in a shallower area and scrubbing vigorously at every area of his body.

That won't get her out of you, some errant voice in Trevor's mind chided. He only scrubbed harder.

Fuck. Some part of him really hated that Evan had gotten involved.

Once he was clean, Trevor let his body dry in the warm late-autumn air before lying on top of his clean clothes in the sun. His body was exhausted and wanted to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes, the goddess appeared behind them again.

After a while, he got dressed and decided to grab some food. Once he had finished in the mess hall--eating alone in a corner as quickly as possible to avoid attention--he planned to head back to his tent to try to get some sleep, but then Yukiko was there with a stare that said he couldn't wiggle out of this one. And who was he kidding; he wasn't going to be able to sleep anyway.

Well, may as well get this over with.

At least it looked like she was heading back toward the river. He certainly didn't mind spending more time out there while the sun was cooperating.

Yukiko was glad Trevor followed without complaint. Oh, she could feel the let's get this over with emanating from his skin, but things like that never much bothered her, especially when she felt she already understood where they were coming from.

She walked in silence through camp, expertly navigating gazes and gestures along the way to ensure that curious folks let her and Trevor be. Where many other soldiers employed glares or averted gazes to be left alone, Yukiko typically managed to do it with a certain sort of smile that very politely signalled 'not now'.

"The commander told me who we're dealing with," The captain finally spoke once they had passed the last tent. She stopped walking just long enough to invite Trevor to walk more alongside her if he'd been lagging behind. There were some soldiers down by the river, but she lead Trevor alongside it a little ways away from the bank, so that they could pass by the others without crossing into earshot.

"I don't know much about the goddess of dreams and desire, but I grasp the nature of what you probably went through, in a very general sense." she hoped being upfront about that was the right way to go. It might embarrass him, but it'd also give him more insight into where she was coming from, which seemed useful. She glanced to the side briefly to gauge his expression about it, though she didn't intend to leave things there either way.

"Mostly, I just wanted to see how you are doing, and if there's anything you need. It's good to see you up and about again."

It hadn't really sunk in until now that it wasn't just the captains who would find out about all this. If they really were going to be working with the goddess, that meant that--sooner or later--everyone would know. Which meant that everyone would know at least something about what Trevor had gone through.

Fuck.

He supposed he could play it off--there was really no need to go into details--and somehow Trevor could easily believe that the experience from one thrall to the next was vastly different. Even if it had been exactly the same, Trevor felt like the others wouldn't want to talk about it either, even if all of them did wake up according to Evan's plan. Yeah, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to make like it had been a simple, uncomplicated fuck with a goddess.

Ha.

But then there was Yukiko, and despite everything, he trusted her. He had respected her, and he had always been grateful that he hadn't had to defect from her section of the army when word got around that a civil war would happen. Trevor would have joined up without Yukiko, but he was grateful he didn't have to. Not to mention that she had found a reasonable solution when Trevor had a serious disagreement with his lieutenant. Trevor still hated the guy, but at least he wasn't directly beneath him anymore. Scumbag.

"I'm... all right," Trevor said, meeting his captain's gaze for a moment before turning away to look at the river again. The sight of the water calmed him considerably, and all at once he had to admit that he wanted to talk about it. But how much did Yukiko really want to know? How much could he say without making all their future interactions unbearably complicated?

His mouth started moving again before he had fully come up with an answer.

"She's... every bit as terrifying as the worst of the stories make her out to be. And worse. But also..." Trevor hesitated, waiting to say more but at least a little embarrassed now, and it was beginning to show. "...I wouldn't trade it." There, he'd said it. Trevor turned his head completely away from Yukiko now, raising one elbow to use the back of his hand to cover his mouth.

After a moment, he let it drop, turned back toward the river, and said, "I really didn't expect to come back."

Yukiko could feel her insatiable curiosity bubbling up. It was so, so tempting to ask incredibly invasive questions about now, but she stifled the impulse and tried to direct that energy towards actually connecting with Trevor here. He was a human being--and one of the soldiers in her care--and she genuinely wanted to prioritize his well-being right now, no matter how her curiosity thrashed about inside of her.

Figuring out the next compassionate action to take was a little tricky, though. Trevor had done more than give the minimum answer to her question, but just barely. So... perhaps he did want to talk, but needed to take it slow, which certainly seemed reasonable. But, how to give him the opportunity to talk more, without driving in too deep too fast... Yukiko let a moment of silence stand, hopefully comfortably, as she gazed out at the river and contemplated what to say next.

"I only ever heard someone else's fantasies about her before," she finally spoke up, cautiously, her gaze still on the water and her expression a soft smile. "It never occurred to me that the goddess from those fantasies might be responsible for the night terrors until Mizu told me this morning."

There the captain let stand another pause, contemplating how to shift the focus back to Trevor. She'd wanted to give Trevor something--some small exchange of vulnerability in return for what he'd given her--but she didn't want to make herself the focus of the conversation.

"Do you know why she attacked you? Just luck of the draw, or...?"

She turned her gaze back to Trevor then with a light, interested curiosity, which she hoped he knew he could refuse to indulge without any consequences. Her primary aim was really jut to keep conversation going, and hopefully if Trevor didn't want to answer that particular question, his deflection would at least be something else he did want to talk about.

Trevor appreciated the silence before Yukiko replied even though it made him nervous. He looked out at the river again, wondering what she thought about that, if she already thought there was something wrong with him.

But no, just plain and simple curiosity. Did she actually care about him, or was this just about the cause? Either way, he supposed it was a fair question, and it wasn't like he could just not answer it.

But answering it meant he'd have to think about it again. Right here.

Because, he didn't really know why she chose him. He supposed that was the most infuriating thing. He knew she liked that he had been strong, and she had told him often that he was so close to what she really wanted, but how exactly he had failed her, he wasn't sure. That he had become a thrall at all? Perhaps. That he hadn't resisted her? Not really at least.

She knew what he wanted, and it would always defeat him.

Trevor bowed his head closer to the ground, staring angrily at the place between his boots, arms over his knees.

"She's looking for something... someone. She has some kind of task for them, but she didn't ever..." Trevor trailed off but then resumed after a moment. "She didn't really talk about it."

Trevor wondered briefly why he hadn't tried to figure out more about what she wanted, at least for the sake of their cause, but Trevor remembered exactly type of daze it was. Able to see, but every part of your vision was her, her soft voice, her beckoning call, her land, her body...

Trevor shivered abruptly.

"She told me I was close to what she wanted," Trevor added, clenching his fist. "Not close enough," he said at half his typical volume, turning his head slightly away from Yukiko.

Yukiko felt a little bit sheepish about her question once Trevor replied; it hadn't occurred to her that she might actually know better than he would, some of the specifics of the situation. Fair enough, though; it did make sense that the goddess might not necessarily desire to discuss her situation with someone she thought couldn't help her. Yukiko wished there was a way she could reassure Trevor of his worth independent of the goddess, but she worried any attempt to do so right now would just sound hollow to him. Perhaps better to leave it alone and let him grieve what he needed to.

"From what I understand," she started carefully after giving Trevor's comments a few moments to settle, "she's looking for someone to go to the Underworld for her. I'm not sure how she's deciding who can complete that task. I don't even know if she's found someone who can yet."

Oh, Yukiko could venture a guess--it didn't seem terribly likely that she'd be playing ball with Evan if she hadn't secured the thing she was looking for--but she didn't want to speculate with Trevor, at least not without being very clear about what she was providing. For now, she wanted to provide what she knew, or at least was reasonably confident about.

"Apparently, the king trapped her in her realm, and if we help her escape, she'll dispatch of him for us."

Trevor listened acutely to what Yukiko was saying, though he continued to stare straight ahead at the water as it rushed by.

He had put together what she said together, though the bit the Underworld was new. The comment thrashed against fresh pain inside Trevor, though, reminding him of what it meant that Evan was working with the goddess. What did Evan have that Trevor didn't?

Maybe he doesn't have fantasies about dying for starters, some unhelpful voice in his mind chastised. Trevor waved it off and hoped that his gesture would look to Yukiko like he was just waving off a bug.

The bit about the king was interesting, though. Evan had mentioned that the goddess had some kind of vendetta against him in his conversation with the commander, but Trevor didn't exactly have the opportunity to ask what that was about. The king had some serious guts to try to trap a goddess. Asshole was even more egotistical than Trevor thought.

"I certainly wouldn't want to be on her bad side," Trevor said, shaking his head, the king's desire to destroy the goddess' temples finally making sense. He was afraid of her. And he had every right to be. "I wonder if the king even knows the hornet's nest he's kicked." Trevor wanted very badly to keep talking to Yukiko, to tell her more than this, to get more personal than this--he hadn't even realized how starved he had been for conversation, even before the goddess abducted him--but he didn't just want to say something crude out of nowhere, and maybe Yukiko knew better than to ask those questions. He settled for silence, hoping Yukiko would give him something else to go on.

"Oh, I have a feeling he does." Yukiko answered, her tone a strange mix of amused and wistful. "The king is bold, but he's not stupid. I think he always knows exactly what he's doing when he decides to kick a hornet's nest. I used to admire that about him... Maybe I still do."

The captain turned her gaze to Trevor just long enough to flash the soldier a sheepish smile, acknowledging the absurdity in admiring a man from the other side of a rebellion against him. It was hardly the only seemingly-contradictory sentiment Yukiko held within her, but she didn't exactly make a habit out of discussing such sentiments, especially not out loud to her subordinates. But, now felt like a fine time to acknowledge some honest absurdity. She had a feeling Trevor was full of similar sentiments about the goddess, and she genuinely wanted to give him a chance to air them, if she could.

"Now, why he kicked this particular hornet's nest, I have no idea." Yukiko shrugged as she spoke, and then sighed and leaned back on her elbows to get more comfortable. She decided to at least let some silence stand after that, see if it was enough to spark anything else from Trevor before she came up with another direction to go.

((OOC: lmk if you think Trevor would remain silent for like, longer than Yukiko and Trevor have comfortably let silences go in the past? And I can keep going. Also, Yukiko really wanted to make those comments about the king lol... I'm not sure how well she actually knew him personally, but apparently she feels like she knew him well enough to make those comments confidently. I do have a feeling that she was already high-ranking when this all started. As opposed to Evan who I more imagine was 'promoted' when he joined the rebellion. Which I suppose means that *Yukiko* was sleeping with a subordinate lol... but to be fair he probably wasn't directly under her. Anyway. Random thoughts this post stirred that I wanted to share lol.))

Trevor was a little surprised but not shocked about Yukiko trusting that the king's actions were fully intentional. The thought hadn't fully occurred to him before.

The king meant to do it. The audacity.

Yeah, okay, Trevor guessed he could understand admiring the guy for that. The king didn't have to go and be a dick about everything else, though.

What would trapping a goddess even entail?

Well, they all knew the king was into magic. Maybe the goddess was why.

A potent memory of the goddess flooded Trevor's mind as he physically remembered the way the electricity had burned from the whip at his back, though the soldier reacted only half as much as the sensation was due.

Fucking gods. He was going to have a hell of a time explaining that. And his pants were about as tight as the way he was grinding his teeth to stifle the worst of it.

It wasn't the first time it had happened since he had gotten back, and he suspected it wouldn't be the last. He wondered if the vivid images would ever go away and thought he might be disappointed if they did.

Fuck. She had him. The goddess bitch still had him in so many ways. Could she even hear what he was thinking now?

Trevor took a few deep breath, knowing at least some of what he was experiencing was paranoia, though he had no idea how large that part was.

The silence with Yukiko had been damn comfortable until that.

"Gods damn the flashbacks," Trevor said, figuring that was innocent, once he got control over himself enough to release his teeth.