Written Wonderland

((OOC: following Nathan leaving the infirmary tent after waking up.))

Nathan paused and marveled at camp outside the infirmary tent. It was just as he had left it, and yet it felt so strange and foreign now. The other soldier who had awoken continued walking away with purpose, and Nathan envied him. He seemed so much more sure of what his time with the goddess meant and what to do now that he was no longer with her. Meanwhile, Nathan felt more lost than ever.

But he knew he didn’t want to stand in front of the infirmary tent forever. Eventually Captain Rutliff would emerge and--Nathan’s shoulders scrunched and he hugged himself fearfully at the thought, his whole body shivering. It wasn’t exactly that he was afraid the captain would do anything dreadful, but just the thought of his glare hitting Nathan’s body felt like too much to withstand.

Nathan let out a rushed and heavy sigh that trilled his lips before he finally started moving. His walk was brisk and hasty, and admittedly, Nathan had no idea where it was taking him, other than away from the infirmary tent. He let his eyes glaze over, his mind more interested in traversing the woods from his dream and revisiting his memories with the goddess than it was in actually traversing the army camp.

At least until someone called his name.

Nathan blinked and felt disoriented by the sudden transition back to camp again, now in a completely different place and with a vague and looming fear hovering around him as he tried to understand what was happening.

“You’re okay!” the same voice said, closer to him now, and Nathan realized he heard rushed footsteps from the same direction. The sensation of fear was sharper now, piercing his body, but he managed to turn to look at where the voice was coming from.

Relief flooded him. It was Chloe, the best friend he had here. She finished scampering over next to him excitedly, her eyes wide and her whole body beaming with happiness. Nathan was convinced in that moment that she was the brightest, most colorful thing that existed in this world, even though her clothes were just a drab as the tents around them. He smiled, but then buried his face in his hands as he started to cry.

“Oh, Nathan...” Chloe’s voice was sad, which made Nathan feel guilty, but it was also smooth and rich and kind in a way that warmed his heart. In a way that the goddess had sometimes warmed his heart. Although he couldn’t stop crying, he did feel relieved to remember that this world wasn’t as empty as he had feared.

“Come,” Chloe said, and set her hand on Nathan’s shoulder with some pressure that gently nudged him to move. More relief flooded through him as his body followed her lead, glad to have a direction that he didn’t have to conjure all on his own.

She led him into her tent and got him sitting down and wrapped in a blanket, and finally he started to get his tears under control. When he finally managed to open his eyes, he saw through the blur of his tears that Chloe was sitting down next to him, and he felt the weight of her hand returning gently to his shoulder against the blanket. She waited until the last of his gasps and sniffles were quieted and his shoulders were mostly still to speak again.

“You must have been through so much.” she said tenderly. “Is there anything I can do?”

Nathan shook his head and rubbed at his eyes. Then, tried to actually give her question some thought; she deserved that. He smiled tiredly.

“The blanket is good,” he said after a moment, and grasped at it and pulled it more tightly around him before mustering a slightly brighter smile, though he also had to sniffle again in the middle of it. Chloe smiled a wide, bright smile, and the sight of it helped Nathan relax his shoulders.

“Oh, I know! Are you hungry? I can go grab you something if you like!”

Nathan felt a little embarrassed by her enthusiasm, but it did help the warmth in his heart spread to other parts of his body. His smile relaxed, and he honestly considered the question. The truth was that he wasn’t sure, though. His body still felt very strange and confused, and eating sounded like an incredibly bizarre experience, but he couldn’t say for sure that his body wouldn’t appreciate it. And, he did think he would appreciate a moment alone with this blanket, and it seemed like Chloe would appreciate doing something actionable to help. The boy finally nodded, and Chloe’s smile somehow brightened even further.

“Okay, you stay tight! I’ll be back in just a little bit.”

Nathan’s smile relaxed again in kind, and he murmured a shy ‘thanks’ to Chloe as she left. Then he let out a sigh that felt as big as his whole body, and all at once the blanket around him and the ground beneath him felt significantly more real. The boy let himself slough over onto his side and nuzzle deep into the blanket around him, grateful that he could at least appreciate feeling truly safe here, for now, in this blanket in this tent, his friend soon to return with food and sweet company. Maybe, just maybe, he was going to be okay.

((OOC: My brain wanted to type this up in preparation for wherever Nathan’s at before Ari talks to him. This is all still while Dehaljadrun’s talkin to Mizu, so there might be another post or two in this thread before I move over to Ari’s lol… or I might more summarize the rest and go ahead and put it in the thread with Ari, we’ll see! But anyway, figured I may as well post this for now for your reading enjoyment.))

Chloe did indeed return in short order with some food, and Nathan sat up to nibble at it. His stomach didn't seem to want much, but chewing felt weirdly good, so he took his time on each bite. Chloe began filling him in on what she knew about the situation. Captain Rutliff was meeting with the entity responsible for the night terrors, and had negotiated for the goddess' help in the war and for Nathan's safe return along with the other soldiers. Nathan felt terribly awkward about how grateful he was supposed to feel about that, but thankfully Chloe didn't press him for any kind of response. She seemed well aware that Nathan's desire was to munch and to listen, and for quite some time she was happy to oblige.

"I don't know much about the goddess, though." she said, a bit more sheepish than usual. "There are plenty of rumors circulating. I think the commander has confirmed who the goddess is, but I've gotten confused about what's come from the commander and what's come from other soldiers' imaginations."

The girl paused there, and Nathan bravely swallowed his current bite of food.

"You... can ask me questions, if you want. Some of it's pretty embarrassing, though." As though to illustrate, a bloom of red colored the boy's face as he spoke. Chloe's smile widened, but also curled in a strange, crooked way. If Nathan didn't know any better, he thought she might be embarrassed, which he found surprising. Chloe was always so unflappable, as far as he had seen.

"I don't know, that doesn't seem right just yet. Unless you want to talk about it?"

Nathan thought on that honestly. Some part of him did want to talk about it--or, at least, wanted Chloe to know what had happened. Maybe that was different from wanting to talk about it, though. If he could just... snap his fingers, and she'd have the full story, that'd be great, but maybe she was right that he wasn't ready to fumble through it. The boy's face reddened in embarrassment and he shook his head.

"Sorry. Yeah, maybe now's not a good time."

Chloe's eyes looked sad again, but she smiled and nodded.

"That's okay. The most important thing right now is taking care of you. My curiosity can come later." Her smiled brightened with that comment, and pulled a smile back onto Nathan's face as well. He was so indescribably grateful for Chloe's patience and understanding.

They talked a little bit more about what had happened in camp while Nathan was gone--Chloe had helped Captain Rutliff's lieutenant make some charms, apparently, which were supposed to protect people from the nightmares. She showed hers to Nathan, and offered it to him, which elicited a fresh bloom of blush on his face. He declined, although he did find the charm lovely. Chloe said there were probably extras floating around camp if he wanted one, and he nodded, though a bit distractedly. He was starting to feel antsy, the blanket around him growing less comforting and more restricting.

"I think I want to go for a walk. Thank you for the food. And the blanket."

Chloe nodded, and watched as Nathan shrugged the blanket off of him and pushed himself to his feet. He was awkwardly grateful she didn't move to follow him. He was ready to be alone again for a bit.

At least this time walking felt good. The camp around him still felt strange and unreal in ways Nathan couldn't quite put his finger on, but he was no longer letting his eyes glaze over so as not to look at it. He saw the tents clearly, the tracks that had been carved out by foot traffic across the ground, even the soldiers around him, though he grew easily flustered and averted his gaze he felt in danger of catching someone's eye. He was sure some of the soldiers were staring or whispering about him, or maybe that was just his imagination. It was so impossibly difficult to say. His cheeks reddened about what sorts of things Chloe might have meant by other soldiers' imaginations. Though honestly, Nathan wondered if their imaginations could possibly do justice to what the goddess had put him through. His own imagination certainly wouldn't have.

Suddenly, the boy stopped in his tracks when he caught sight of his lieutenant. His lungs felt empty and his feet were suddenly lead, while his knees trembled with fear, though Nathan wasn't sure why. Philip had been through the same horrors and wonders that Nathan had, and besides had always been kind to him. Why was he so afraid now? It didn't take all that much digging to acknowledge that Nathan was afraid of what Philip thought of him now, having seen the boy's interactions with the goddess. He was so completely out of control of himself, always whimpering and worming closer to her, while Philip had been so much better composed, at least from what Nathan could tell.

The lieutenant hadn't seen Nathan, and was walking away from him. The boy contemplated sneaking away, but his feet were still glued to the spot, and something tugged at his heart, growing sharper and more painful with each step that his lieutenant took.

"Philip." Nathan finally spoke up, his voice surprisingly loud and sure. He wanted to be heard, even though a rush of fear threatened to topple his shaking body as the noise of his own voice rang in his ears. Philip turned around calmly, and Nathan had no idea what to make of his inscrutable expression. Was he glad to see Nathan? Disgusted? Did it hurt to see Nathan, a reminder of his time with the goddess? The lieutenant stood still for what felt like an eternity, and when he did finally take a step towards Nathan, something caught his eye and stopped him. Nathan followed the lieutenant's gaze up into the sky, and awe fell over him at the sight of the purple shimmer. He didn't even notice his hands coming up to cover his mouth.

Maybe it was wishful thinking--or paranoid thinking? No, this didn't feel bad--but it looked to Nathan like this was absolutely the goddess' doing. That feeling only blossomed further as the shimmer spread above camp and seemed to close in around it, and Nathan's heart practically exploded with joy when the shimmer dissipated and started to sprinkle down upon them. His hands left his mouth and spread out to the side, revealing a bright, excited smile as he watched the shimmers fall. His eyes closed and he practically hummed with pleasure when the warmth and glory and elation of victory fell upon him from the sky. His cheeks were wet before he knew it. Gods, what a gift. And here Nathan had worried he'd never feel anything like the goddess' touch again. Maybe it didn't have to be all or nothing with her. And maybe, if they won, it would be easier to feel her in this world, too.

Just as a cynical thought skittered across Nathan's mind that that might not be as good a thing as he was presently making it out to be, the boy snapped back to attention at the sound of his lieutenant's voice.

"I'm glad you're okay." Philip had said, though by the time Nathan turned to look, the lieutenant was already turning to walk away. Nathan wilted, sure now that Philip was disgusted with him. Gods, it had probably looked despicable, how joyous he had been in the face of the goddess' omen. Shame burned at Nathan's cheeks, and he bolted towards the edge of camp, desperate now for some time alone in the woods. Some part of him wondered if that was such a good idea, but it didn't matter; in amongst trees was the only place he felt like his heart could stop pounding its way out of his chest.

He didn't go deep, just far enough to lose sight of camp unless he squinted through particular slivers of light between trees. He found a tree he'd climbed a few times since they'd made camp here, and nuzzled into the trunk from a particularly nice crook of a branch. Then he sighed, and felt his whole body relax as he did so. At least the trees weren't disgusted with him; it seemed a silly notion, but he felt strangely confident about it, and comforted by it.

He spent a long time in that tree, not quite sleeping, but lost in thought and memory and fantasy and shame. His body lurched time and again as he thought of the disorienting moment the goddess would shift from treating him sweetly to putting him in harm's way. The sensation was intense, but the more Nathan sat with it, the more he realized that maybe it wasn't entirely unpleasant. After all, the goddess hadn't harmed him, not really. She'd scared him, deeply, but here he was, sitting in a tree, alive and well aside from all the shame and confusion swirling around him, and apparently incapable of keeping himself from reliving fright after fright after fright. Finally though, one lurched echoed after itself, jolting Nathan to attention as he realized that the falling sensation wasn't just from his thoughts, but from quite nearly falling out of the tree. He scrambled to steady himself and catching his breath, and get his heart settled again, and then finally he decide that maybe it was time to get his feet back on the ground.

He squinted back towards camp once he did so, debating what to do next. Maybe he could go try writing some, that might help him make sense of some things. He placed his hand against the tree and looked up at it in thanks, and then with one last sigh he started heading back towards camp.

((OOC: Hokay. There we have it. Nathan will either be walking towards his tent or in his tent writing when Ari is looking for him. I'm sure she can find soldiers willing to tell her where Nathan's tent is, though some soldiers might also mention that Nathan likes taking walks in the woods and pointing her that direction, so she could also run into Nathan pretty immediately if she was already headed out to look for him. Options! Also not sure if you want to go ahead and post again for Ari, or if I should make a post in there finishing up establishing where Nathan's officially at when she finds him. I suppose, feel free to make an OOC reply here or just chat with me about it lol.

Continued here))