Written Wonderland

Walking away from the strategy tent, Elaine felt an overwhelming sense of confusion and doubt. Despite the goddess' display earlier that morning, Elaine did not like the idea of sending ten of their men to what might ultimately be their deaths. And how to choose? Let them choose themselves, a voice in Elaine's mind answered. Okay, then, how to find them? Walking back toward where her retinue resided, she contemplated a few of her soldiers. Surely some of them would be curious enough to take the risk? But then that sinking sensation in her stomach appeared again, and Elaine thought she might be sick. How could she justify suggesting this as option to someone? She thought about how the commander had talked about Captain Miller and briefly wondered if Elaine should tell Mizu that the goddess couldn't have anyone out of her retinue either. She felt confident enough to stand up to Mizu that way, but was that really necessary here? Surely there was someone who would rather be risking their life with the goddess of desire than continue fighting the king's demons.

Framed that way, thinking about people who were unhappy with both the fighting and the waiting around, Elaine inevitably thought of Chris. He had been disgruntled ever since he joined under her command, and she had never really been certain of what to make of him. Part of her thought for a moment that it might be a relief if he decided to leave, but she didn't condone those thoughts, and she didn't wish Chris harm in the slightest. He had just made it difficult for Elaine to have confidence that she was ever doing right by him.

She didn't need to convince him to go. She could merely suggest it as an option and ask him to spread the word around. And if he didn't want to go and none of her other soldiers wanted to go, who could blame them? Elaine found herself hoping that that would be the case. But was that selfish? If the volunteers did not come from her ranks, they would still need to come from somewhere. Still, she couldn't help but feel protective over her troops. She had kept them alive for this long, after all. But, ultimately, she didn't want to keep opportunities from them either, and perhaps Chris would appreciate being asked for his thoughts and his effort. At least it would give him something to do.

Finding Chris, however, was another matter entirely. He was not, stereotypically, an easy one to place. Captain Morris asked a few of her soldiers if they could point her Chris' direction, but unsurprisingly, few had any information. Still, she asked them to tell Chris that she was looking for him if they saw him. Word would get around soon enough, and Chris would come. In the meantime, she would keep looking.

Chris sat by the river, farther into the woods than most other soldiers bothered venturing. It was one of the places he'd discovered he could usually find solitude, although occasionally someone else with the same idea would come 'round, and they'd awkwardly silently negotiate about who would stay and who would go, or maybe sometimes they'd just share the space in parallel solitude. Chris was deeply grateful that at least nobody usually came out here looking for someone to talk to.

His knees were gathered close to his chest as he watched the water, and his mind contemplated the shimmer that had occurred. Truthfully, some part of him had been sure that all this talk of the Demon Queen had been nonsense, that surely there was some other explanation than a stupid old kid's story. He knew that wasn't all that Dehaljadrun was, but he'd never never fully understood what else she was. To him, she'd always just been some cautionary fairy tale--don't stray off the path, or the Demon Queen'll get'chya!--and one Chris had never once heeded. Then again, he supposed, his not heeding might've been a little bit, sometimes, not exactly due to disbelief.

The soldier grunted and stood, grabbing a stone to skip across the river. He watched it hit the water and send ripples out as it jumped across the surface before finally sinking down into the river's depths. All the while he asked himself: just what was that shimmer? It had shaken something in him, filled him with a sort of excitement he hadn't felt in a long time, and that scared him. Had it really been the goddess? Well, it had been something supernatural, so...

Chris sank back down to the ground and re-hugged his knees, this time planting his forehead down on top of them. His arms squeezed around his legs, trying to hold and tame this hot, chaotic buzzing that was searing at his chest. Why was he excited about this? Wasn't it bad? If the Demon Queen from fairy tales was genuinely real, and seducing one of their captains and worming her way into their cause? Chris knew in his body that wasn't the right way to understand this, though. That is, if he could trust his body. Isn't his body exactly what the Demon Queen would use against him?

Chris shifted his arms up a little to claw his fingers into his hair and tug. A strangely grounding sensation, he supposed especially while he was curled into a godsdamned ball. His body still radiated a kind of excitement he couldn't make sense of, but at least it felt contained, and controllable. For the most part. The boy groaned.

Then, he heard footsteps approaching. He turned his head just enough to catch a glimpse of the soldier. Simultaneously, his shoulders relaxed with recognition--and the reassurance that he needn't straighten up for appearances--but also, nervous spikes started dancing down his back as Amy took a seat close to him. Fuck, he was terrified that she wanted to talk.

"Captain's looking for you."

Chris' lone visible eye narrowed, but more with confusion than anything else. Relief and disappointment both swirled in his chest. That was... all she came to say? But, that aside, what in the hell did Captain Morris want with him? The first guess to cross his mind, which sent a cold black pipe of dread and defensiveness down his core, was that he was somehow in trouble, but he honestly hadn't done shit this past while. He'd been bored out of his mind, but he'd behaved himself. Then, there was a brief flash of accusation--had Amy dragged the captain into something that wasn't anyone's business but theirs?

"I dunno what it's about." Amy offered, either tired of the silence or sensing where Chris' mind might be going. Chris would buy either one. "She doesn't seem mad or anything though."

"Hm." Chris raised his head a little to plop his chin on his knees and glare down at the water again. He contemplated how urgent this seemed to be. Amy wasn't making it sound urgent, except for the fact that it seemed she'd come out here specifically to tell him about it. Maybe she'd wanted to see him, too, though. Chris liked the thought of that, and it made the nervous spikes on his back melt a bit.

"Thanks for telling me." he finally said and pushed himself to his feet. May as well go face whatever it was rather than stew on it, he supposed. He turned his gaze more attentively to Amy, and took a more genuine account of her. She was leaning back on her hands, legs spread out in front of her. She was trying to be cool, he guessed, but her eyes couldn't help blinking over to Chris when she noticed him looking, and she looked terribly curious. Chris stuffed his hands in his pockets to keep himself from touching his chest.

"I'll let you know if it's a shitstorm or just some boring bullshit later."

"Cool." Amy turned her gaze back to the water, one hand reaching up to brush a curl behind her hear. Chris rolled his eyes, suddenly doubting what little warmth he'd allowed himself to feel. He couldn't decide if he missed the times they'd freely felt warmth with each other, or if he wished they'd never happened. It wasn't like it had been long-lived, which frankly he couldn't say surprised him.

Wordlessly, Chris ventured back towards camp, hoping that this meeting with his Captain wouldn't kick up too much dust.

Elaine was grateful that, though she wasn't frantically searching by any means--she didn't want to give anyone the wrong idea about Chris being in trouble--he showed up sooner rather than later. Captain Morris breathed a sigh of relief when she saw him approach, and she calmly met him halfway, gesturing off in a direction neither of them had come from, toward the side of the forest closer to the kingdom's capital. Strange that she still judged directionality based on where she knew the capital was, but it would still be in the same place when they took power, right? It wasn't the capital that was the problem; it was its leader. And leaders were far more replaceable than locations.

Silently, she walked toward the larger and more sporadic trees with Chris somewhat aimlessly. Elaine had enjoyed running quickly through the trees, dodging and darting between them to keep her own agility up, and she felt confident that she could keep her sense of direction about her even if they wandered far from camp. Maybe she would have her troops do similar drills here shortly. It was everything she could do to keep their spirits and bodies in shape.

After they were well away from the camp and still walking, Captain Morris said, "I need your help," hoping to appeal to her soldier. The captain waited a few moments but slowly realized she might not actually want Chris' response right away. Best she get to the point before his questions push them both off track. "You're likely aware that the Commander has decided to work with the goddess, Dehaljadrun." Elaine paused momentarily, wanting the give the name the respect it felt it deserved or perhaps just to assuage her own nervousness about saying it. "To gain the alliance of the Shel'ti, they have demanded we free their men from the goddess. Captain Rutliff has talked the goddess into doing that, except that she wants willing volunteers in exchange." Elaine's expression grew solemn at this; she was unable to hide it and wasn't sure it would be useful to try. She sensed that Chris would likely know regardless.

"I'll admit that I'm uneasy about working with her. I fear the greater repercussions. And yet..." Elaine took a deep breath. "...I find myself wanting to believe in it all." Captain Morris stopped there for a moment, determining that was as vulnerable as she wanted to be about her own feelings for the moment. Taking it in a slightly different direction, Elaine said, "I'm undecided about whether I want to participate in gathering volunteers, but I will need to decide quickly."

There. Now he could ask his questions and make his comments. With the basics out and settled, the captain felt reasonably confident that, regardless of Chris' reaction past this point, he had everything he needed to know. And she was rather prepared for anything: snarky comments, disgust, excitement, running away. Yes, she could handle this from here.

Chris was grateful to be led back out of camp. He liked avoiding watching eyes, and he liked moving, if he really had to be with other people.

He was surprised when the captain said she needed his help, though quickly decided that probably meant she was just trying to get him in on some boring bullshit to keep him occupied or something. Well, at least that wasn't a shitstorm.

But before Chris could reply (granted, not that he'd been in a hurry to) Captain Morris continued, and once again surprised Chris by talking about the goddess. Chris had never really been sure where Captain Morris was on that front. She was no fuddy-duddy like Miller, but she also certainly wasn't whatever the fuck Rutliff was. For that part, Chris supposed he was grateful to be hearing more about his Captain's feelings on the situation, though as she continued, his confusion only deepened as to why she wanted his help with this. Maybe she wanted to talk to someone who specifically wasn't going around trading stories and shit? That was his best guess at the moment. It felt strange to be sought out in that way, but... maybe kinda nice, he supposed.

Chris turned his eyes to the ground as he contemplated what his captain had said. It still felt so surreal to be talking about this goddess like she was real. Not only real, but a force to be treated with. So fucking strange. Had the whole army strayed from the path, and now the Demon Queen was getting 'em all? Chris narrowed his eyes. It seemed like believing that would require believing their cause was a mistake, or that coming to the Shel'ti was a mistake, but he didn't really want to believe those things. He wanted to believe in their commander, at least. What else was there for him to believe in?

Well, a goddess, apparently. Agh, this was so fucking confusing.

Chris was grateful that his captain didn't seem impatient for a reply. He took his time chewing over what she'd said and why she might've said it. Maybe she really did just want his opinion? Chris kind of liked that idea, but... it also made him uneasy. He didn't know shit about this stuff! This was... war, and politics, and now apparently religion... Chris was just a soldier. He barely knew how to navigate fucking normal-ass shit like--well, like Amy. What in the fuck would he know about the goddess of desire?

"Are you... looking for my advice, Captain?"

He still wasn't even remotely sure what advice he'd give, but he found himself needing to clarify that there wasn't something else she wanted from him here. He couldn't shake the feeling that there might be, but he couldn't fucking put his finger on it.

Of any way that Chris might have reacted, silence was perhaps the most grating on Elaine's nerves. She continued walking, trying very hard not to put additional pressure on him by looking at him. To occupy her mind, she started counting very calmly in her mind, grateful that at least Chris was still walking with her. She had gotten past fifty when he asked his question.

And, yes, she supposed she was looking for advice. And perspective.

"Yes," she said, and let that stand for a moment. "I want to know how you think it might go over in camp. Do you think they would mostly be for or against it? What would they need to know? That sort of thing." Elaine paused for another moment but then added, "As much as it pains me to think this, I do think there may be some people in camp who would prefer the uncertainty of the goddess to the uncertainty of this war."

Captain Morris briefly wondered if it was fair to lead Chris on in this way, but she reasoned that her goal here was genuinely not to convince or in any way suggest that he become a volunteer. If he was to truly be a willing candidate, she needed to not pressure him in the slightest. And, regardless of what his own response would be, Elaine genuinely believed that his perspective would be helpful. As a captain, it was far too easy to lose track of the human element of fighting a war, and Elaine kept a close eye on that sensation. Conversations with soldiers, even just to get to know them, had been immensely helpful on that front. Granted, she hadn't sought Chris out for many--if any--of those, but then again, there wasn't a situation that felt relevant before now.

Chris wasn't entirely sure why, but something about the way Captain Morris referred to the uncertainty of the war brought potently to mind memories of shadows on the battlefield, and Chris rolled his shoulders back to suppress a shiver. Yes, he supposed he could understand that preference. Chris didn't mind battle--it wasn't pleasant, but at least he felt competent, and useful. Except, he'd felt neither of those things when they'd faced... well, Chris was fairly confident that he hadn't fought a demon, but when the word was uttered after the fight, his body didn't doubt that something had indeed been wrong on that battlefield. Even now, that shiver still lingered on his back, like a sneeze that never quite came but preoccupied the senses for entirely too long.

"Yeah," Chris finally replied. He'd glanced to his captain when he'd addressed her, but by now his eyes were downcast again, his fists clenched tightly in his pockets while he walked. "I could see that."

It was difficult to trudge past that to find something else to say, but Chris did put in the effort. His captain had come to him for advice, after all. He wasn't entirely sure how good of advice he was even capable of offering, but he wanted at least to honor the exchange. He... well, he liked being come to for advice, it seemed, it just wasn't something that happened often.

"I dunno, it seems like lots of people are kinda... I guess, they're excited about the goddess but I don't think they know why." Chris was honestly thinking about the people who were giddily trading lurid campfire stories, but a pulse of recognition ran down his own body as he spoke, and a warm embarrassment replaced the shiver in his back. He kept his composure, though, and continued on with his thought, for whatever benefit it would give his captain.

"So... I think people would be mostly on board with the thought. I dunno about actually volunteering though. I dunno what someone would need for that."

The embarrassment on Chris' back was growing, and just faintly starting to touch the very edges of his cheeks. His shoulders scrunched together like somehow they could make a wall to block the embarrassment off. Just, the more he talked, the more his ears started to burn, as he had to look at all the ways that maybe he wasn't so different from the other soldiers after all. Just more solitary, he supposed. But oof, that stung. Chris was grateful his hands were already balled into fists in his pockets, else he might've touched a hand to his gut.

Chris wished he had more to say, and he was honestly still searching for more, but he certainly let stand a long silence there while he looked for it.

It was a mixed bag to hear Chris agree with her. There was a heaviness to his response that she couldn't quite place, but she suddenly felt certain that Chris could imagine himself leaving the army for some greater purpose. And really, could she blame him? While all the fighting felt necessary and important, it certainly wasn't comfortable.

Listening to Chris attentively, she took in the idea that the soldiers were excited without knowing why and thought that was immensely perceptive of him. He was right, of course. There was a potent buzz about the camp, but everything was so clouded in myth and mystery; how could anyone know what the truth was?

The rest of Chris' comments, however, were not particularly helpful, though Elaine wasn't sure what she had expected. Chris had always been difficult to pull information out of, and the fact that he had already talked to her for this long was a good sign. Still, his attention could wane at any moment. Perhaps it was time to take a risk. Elaine let a silence stand to contemplate her next move.

"I know the stories they tell about her. That's she's ruthless and cunning and deceptive. That she's cruel and heartless and sexual. That she takes what she wants and leaves someone somehow less than they were." Elaine took a breath, "But I also remember how grand her temples used to be, how ceremonial it was for someone in the village to be chosen as a priestess and servant for her, how devoted some of my closest friends were before... before the king went mad." The captain let another small silence fill the wooded air. They were moving deeply into the forest now. Elaine's chest was heavy with the weight of the dead.

"After the magic we witnessed today, I think there's truth to all of it." Elaine took one more breath, brushing her hand against a tree trunk before moving forward again. "What did you think of the goddess' magic?"

Chris hadn't seemed very impacted when Elaine first started talking. Perhaps a bit embarrassed that he'd been silent for too long, but he listened patiently for whatever it was the captain was getting at.

Somehow, he wasn't expecting her to start talking about temples. Chris blinked up to her in mild surprise, which only grew as the captain continued. He had genuinely never heard the Demon Queen associated with... with ceremony and devotion and... closest friends. The soldier let his eyes return to the ground, his heart heavy with the weight of the captain's friends--clearly not here, now--as well as an absence he felt in his own life, as stupid as that self-pity felt to indulge in.

The words I didn't know danced in Chris' throat, and he might've actually gotten them out, but his captain continued speaking. She wanted to know about the shimmer. Chris looked angry about the shimmer.

"Well, it convinced me she was real, I guess. I wasn't so sure before. But, it still kinda feels like some sort of trick. I don't like that she can rain down dust that makes us feel... like that. I won't deny it felt good, but it also felt terrifying."

Chris forgot who he was talking to somewhere in there, and didn't realize it until he paused to take a breath, and then felt his embarrassment grow again. He supposed he hadn't said anything inappropriate, he just hoped his bitter candor wouldn't seem out of line. He blinked back up to Elaine, then, deciding that he genuinely wanted to circle back to what she had spoken about.

"I thought she was just a fairy tale. I didn't know she'd had temples and priestesses."

Somehow, it just seemed important that Elaine knew that, though Chris really couldn't say why.

The captain did not at all expect Chris to be angry about the shimmer, but she was never very good at predicting his reactions. The shimmer was one of the biggest points of evidence toward the goddess' benevolence that Elaine had immediate access to, and it was hard to believe that anyone could have felt frustrated about the glory and hope present in that show of magic. But, as Chris continued talking about it, Elaine began to understand. Chris appeared to be deeply uncomfortable when something about his experience changed outside of his control. That made sense. Elaine hadn't thought about it as a sort of violation, but in a strange way, it had been.

The captain's expression softened when Chris talked about not knowing about the temples, however. It was hard to believe that he didn't know, but she supposed he might be young enough for that. Or she might be old enough. Good lords, the king had been in power for entirely too long. Perhaps they should have begun this rebellion long ago. But that was hindsight. And, it did feel like, in his own way, Chris was paying respects to the people who lost their lives for the king's strange wishes, which Elaine deeply appreciated.

"Would it help if I told you that the commander asked the goddess to do it? She..." Elaine almost started talking about the possessed soldier and his visit to Mizu but stopped dead after realizing that Chris would probably not take that information well. If he was concerned about the effect the shimmer had had on him, what would he think about direct possession? Elaine shook her head for a moment. Perhaps Chris had been the wrong person to appeal to. Elaine had the feeling that possession would be the least of Chris' worries if he decided to go to the goddess. "The commander wanted everyone to know that this isn't a fairy tale anymore, that this world isn't just made up of demons and mad kings and fighting. And I'd like to think that, if the goddess is capable of that shimmering dust, she's likely capable of much more. Maybe even more than she realizes. I'd like to think it's possible to... guide whatever she is. She feels... lost somehow." Elaine had certainly not expected to say that last thing; it was a nascent, unprocessed thought based completely on intuition, but for some reason, she needed to get it out in the open. It was the first time the captain had wholly realized that she was counting on the goddess' malleability, especially if Dehaljadrun was currently malicious, and Elaine was a little uneasy about that. Was it hubris to think they could change a god? But, then again, they were prepared to overthrow the "rightful" ruler of Asphodel; was it much more of a stretch to transform a goddess?

Chris' expression softened into surprise again. Did it make a difference that the commander had asked for the shimmer? Yes, it seemed to. He didn't understand why it did, but it did.

The boy listened with wide, attentive eyes as Captain Morris continued. And honestly, he supposed, not only did the fact that the commander had asked for the shimmer make it feel less invasive, but he actually kind of appreciated the thought that it had specifically been to help soldiers like himself really believe what was happening. It made him feel almost like the shimmer had been for him, specifically--a sensation which he'd had when the shimmer first fell, but which he'd quickly and easily and ferociously dismissed as not only absurd, but clearly planted there by the shimmer itself. Now though, hearing Captain Morris talk about the commander's intentions... Chris almost felt guilty for dismissing the notion out of hand. He decided to try to just be grateful for this new perspective on it now.

He didn't know how he felt about the notion of guiding a lost goddess, though. That drew some worry and skepticism back into his expression. He almost made some kind of shitty comment about it, before he reminded himself of the captain's close friends, and silence settled back over him before he could speak, sorrow working its way into his expression. He suddenly wanted to ask a million questions about what the goddess had actually been like before, what had inspired the captain's friends' devotions, but... he was terrified it'd be painful for her to discuss, and he didn't want to ask that of her.

He found he wasn't sure where else to take the conversation, though. Had he given the captain what she needed? Was she still looking for something from him? Was she trying to convince him of something? He still felt rather uncertain about why she'd reached out to him for all this, and was starting to get nervous about that again.

"I guess I'm glad the commander asked for the shimmer then," he finally said, a little quietly, "given all that."