Written Wonderland

Seth was grateful that he had been largely able to avoid Evan since they all returned from the summoning. Beyond the sheer fact that Evan was alive, at least, Seth didn't give a damn. He would be plenty happy if he never had to see Evan again. Damn shame that the man was his captain and that everyone and their brother seemed to be talking about him, talking about the goddess. Every time he heard one of their names his hatred for everyone around him deepened. They had all gone mad, and none of them had any idea what they were all actually dealing with.

The soldier stayed away from most conversations and had spent the majority of the past few days chopping wood for camp. It was a highly sought after chore since everyone had long ago gotten bored, but the other soldiers gave Seth a wide berth whenever he came around, leaving him to it. His muscles ached all over from the continued exertion, but it mostly kept his mind off anything that would make him need to retreat to the river or to his tent.

He was angry. That was undeniable. Angry at Evan. Angry at the goddess. Angry at Xavier. Angry at... himself. He wasn't able to stop replaying the moment when the goddess called him over the line at the summoning. There was nothing he could have done to stop it from happening--he knew that somehow, deep in his body. And yet, it didn't stop him from beating himself up over it.

But, really, what harm did it do? Evan had to spend extra time with the goddess? Oh no.

No, he knew that it all could have gone much, much worse if Evan hadn't... distracted the goddess so much. What did she see in him, anyway? He was a short, ridiculous man with issues following directions. Maybe Evan liked wearing dresses? The thought almost brought a smile to Seth's face. Almost.

It didn't matter now, and it wouldn't help Seth to keep thinking about it because then he would start thinking about...

doubt he's worth much to either of us

...what the goddess said about him at the summoning. As though he weren't standing right there. As though he were an object. Seth brought the ax down harder than necessary, sending wood splintering in all directions.

((OOC: Okay. Since it's likely that Katrina and Seth have spoken before, here's what I think he's told her. After his enthrallment, I think he was pretty tight lipped about what happened, but I think he would have tried to give Katrina information he might think was relevant, like when the goddess was digging through his memories. After the summoning, if Katrina knew about it and asked, I think Seth would recount facts well but not dialogue and be sheepish but honest about the fact that he was the one who crossed the line and put Evan (and the rest of them) in danger. I don't think she knows anything about the nature of his enthrallment. She probably knows that he has a wife at home.))

((OOC: After Katrina's talk with Evan and Xavier))

Katrina touched her hand to her chest and let out a long exhale when her eyes settled on Seth chopping wood. He'd been chopping a lot of wood since his attack, which she figured was probably a good thing; a way to blow off steam, and keep himself occupied. She almost felt guilty to interrupt him, but... this was time sensitive, and she had her orders. Her captain may not be one for following instructions, but Katrina was.

"Germain," the lieutenant called gently as she approached. "I need to discuss the goddess with you. Is here fine?"

It was fairly normal for Katrina to approach things matter-of-factly like this. In her gut she was terribly nervous and awkward, and the redness on her freckled cheeks may have shown as much, but her expression was calm and business-like, if gentle. As a lieutenant, she was determined to put her own feelings aside and perform her duties with grace, even if not especially when it was difficult to do so.

Seth winced the second he heard his lieutenant's voice. He had seen her walking over from the corner of his eye, but he had hoped that she had it in for someone else around, not him. But, of course, that was too good to be true.

I need to discuss the goddess with you. Straight to the point, per usual. Seth couldn't decide whether he liked or hated that. Gods did he ever wish that the goddess had not decided to attack him. He was certainly not good at dealing with all this aftermath. And hadn't he told Katrina enough? Gods damnit.

He waited until he had finished with the piece of wood he had set up on the block--making sure it was good and broken to kindling--before he stopped, put the axe where it belonged, and answered her.

"I don't want to talk. But if you're going to insist, I would prefer somewhere out of earshot. I doubt this is going to be good."

Katrina's brow softened in a pang of sympathy for Seth, but her mouth remained a hard line.

"I'm afraid I must insist." She nodded towards the forest to acknowledge his request, though, and started walking promptly. It'd do them both good to get this over with. Luckily they were already close to the edge of camp, though closer to the path toward the crone's cabin for Katrina's taste. She stopped just short of the treeline; that should be plenty far enough to be out of earshot, and she didn't figure the visual privacy of actually venturing into the woods was worth potentially harkening back to the summoning. Seth hadn't necessarily told her many of the experiential details about that, but despite herself, she couldn't help imagining.

Katrina turned to face her soldier then, her posture straight and formal. If she tried to be too casual about this, her own awkwardness and embarrassment would make it difficult to engage, but she wielded the shield of a lieutenant following protocol well. She began speaking a little bit quickly, wanting to get this out while she could.

"The goddess has agreed to release the rest of the Shel'ti soldiers, thus allowing us to secure our alliance, in exchange for ten volunteers from our ranks, who will spend the rest of the war in her realm, and be recovered once our kingdom is secured." Was that more than Evan had promised? Yes, probably, but she didn't want to stumble around carefully qualifying Evan's intentions, especially where Seth had been a bit prickly about the captain--among other things--since the summoning.

"No one is being ordered to go," Katrina added quickly, "but I was to inform you of the opportunity, as one of the men who's already had contact with her."

There the lieutenant swallowed and shifted her weight slightly, awkwardness already boiling over now that she'd finished her duty. Heck, one could argue that she had every right to then just start walking away, having delivered the message, but that wouldn't be fair to Seth. Now, if Seth just wanted to start walking away... ah, there was one more thing Katrina owed him before he could.

"If you're interested," she continued, "report to Captain Rutliff's tent before sundown. As I understand it, the volunteers will leave with him tonight. That was all I needed to say, but if you have questions I'll do my best to answer."

((OOC: I suppose I imagine that Katrina did eventually get the data that Seth, Xavier, and Evan had summoned the goddess at the crone's cabin. I'm imagining--though not attached to--Xavier having finally started to spill the beans at some point and actually starting to tell Katrina details she didn't really care to know--like how to get to the crone's cabin lol. Jury's certainly still out on what all else she got details about. I do think Xavier probably has a hard time sometimes figuring out what Katrina wants to know and what she doesn't lol. Also, lmk if Seth would have interjected at any point. The first two things Katrina said fairly quickly, but she did pause briefly before the third, so there's a chance Seth might've jumped on a response before Katrina followed up. This is Katrina's favorite outcome though lol.))

Once they got outside camp and settled where Seth would need to be yelling for others to hear, his lieutenant started talking more quickly than Seth could parse in real time. He was grateful when she paused if only so he could take stock of the information and determine what the hell it had to do with him.

Seth had had a feeling that Evan was going to regret giving the goddess the Shel'ti in the summoning, and here it was. Seth had been right. And they were having to pay for his mistake with ten of their own people.

The soldier felt anger rising in him, and he didn't know where or how to properly direct it. "So," he said in a voice that too calm for comfort, "I'm assuming Rutliff put you up to telling me." Yes, gods, he was angry at Evan. It was because of Evan that the goddess had tossed Seth away like a hot piece of garbage. But, then, he realized, he had much more reason to be angry at the goddess who was taking ten more of their people.

"So we're just going to roll over and give her everything she wants now?" Seth's voice was starting to rise, and he tried to remember who he was talking to. This was his lieutenant, and she certainly didn't deserve his anger. And, from the sounds of it, she only wanted actual questions.

"Look, lieutenant. I know I've been vague with you, but maybe you should know a thing or two about what the volunteers will be facing. The goddess used me. She didn't care whether or not I wanted what happened. She lied to me, used me, and made me put Evan and the others in danger at the summoning. She..." Seth's voice cracked, and he took a moment to recover, tears brimming in his eyes.

"Lieutenant, she doesn't have our best interests in mind. I wouldn't expect to get any of our soldiers back after we send them with Rutliff. She'll find a way to keep them. Hell, giving the Shel'ti back is probably a bluff as well. The commander must be mad or desperate to be going along with all this." Seth realized he was talking to Katrina like she had any power over the situation, but he couldn't help it. He'd been bottling this up for a while now, and it was spilling out of him whether he liked it or not. Seemed like a lot of life was treating him that way lately.

The red in Katrina's cheeks washed over the rest of her face when Seth surmised that Evan had put her up to this. Of course he had--heaven forbid a captain ask his lieutenant to do something--but both embarrassment and defensiveness swelled in her. She didn't know if she believed that Evan was a coward for sending her to Seth, or whether he'd just honestly weighed what was the best call, and made it. Both beliefs swirled powerfully in her, further deepening the heat of her skin.

She nearly snapped when Seth raised his voice in exasperation about the goddess. She understood that he disliked the goddess, but he was getting out of line. Their captain had made a call. Seth put her in a damn awkward position to criticize that decision to her, and his temper only made this that much more uncomfortable.

But he caught himself. She saw him reeling in his anger, and so she did the same. Even if he was out of line, it wouldn't help the situation for her to wield her rank just to silence him. She'd been guilty of that before, and she knew Seth deserved more space and understanding than that, even if it made her stomach turn and her blood boil to have to be the one to have to do it. Whether Evan had made the right choice to send her or not, she was pissed at the world that this is what it had come to.

With deep, purposeful breaths, Katrina listened steadily as Seth spoke about his misgivings. Her hazel-green eyes were narrowed in clear anger, but it likely wasn't anything Seth hadn't seen before. The lieutenant never could hide her emotions in the slightest, and she seemed to feel anger quite a lot. To her credit, though, she was usually good about keeping it in check, even when it was painted all over her face.

"We are desperate, Germain." Katrina answered after a moment, tensing in her formal posture to keep her voice calm. "We were desperate when we came here, and only grew more desperate when soldiers started going mad in the night. At least the latter has stopped since the captain summoned her. That and Rutliff's word are all we have to go on, especially since you've been vague, and I gather the others have too."

The lieutenant drew in a sharp breath, intending to continue, but something washed over her--warmth, relief, approval, relaxation... the shimmer of dust that had fallen over camp that morning. They... they had that to go on, too, whatever that had been. Katrina kicked herself for not asking Evan what it was. She'd put it out of mind, not wanting to think about it, and... she supposed she still didn't really want to. It made her feel confused and uneasy, and made it hard to keep her posture tall, and by the sounds of it, Seth would probably say it was some kind of trick, anyway. The lieutenant cleared her throat, and straightened back up.

"If you don't want to go, then don't. If you know something about the goddess that Captain Rutliff doesn't, then tell him. Otherwise, he's your superior officer, and he made a call, so you can keep your whining to yourself."

Katrina's expression flinched at the end of that, her lips pursing to the side along with her gaze. She had just gotten out of line, and she knew it. Now, how in the hell to get back on it.

"Unless..." she sighed, her gaze returning to Seth with apologetic brows and an even more brilliant red radiating from her cheeks. "You just need to get it out. I can't do much about the situation, but I can listen, if it will help."

She didn't want to. She was absolutely terrified of what Seth might have to say. But, she would take in every word of it if her soldier needed her to, and she genuinely hoped that she hadn't snapped too badly for him to believe that, even as she also hoped that Seth would honestly prefer to just take his leave anyway.

He knew they were desperate. He knew it. But it didn't matter. He was angry. And it was bigger than just this situation.

Maybe Katrina was right. Maybe he was whining. Gods damnit.

And Evan had brought all the attacked men back. That was something. Especially after the number they had lost in the first battle with the king. It was good to get someone back for a change. Hell, Seth should be damned glad he was wearing Xavier's charm.

Seth frowned at that, his expression out of sync with Katrina's words but not inauthentic to what she was saying.

Seth eyed her, then, catching up on the last few words she said and shaking his head. He stuck his tongue toward the corner of his mouth for a moment. He was losing it. Losing control.

And Katrina was offering to help. Or listen. Maybe he didn't have to stop himself from blurting it out.

Without looking at Katrina, he said, "No, I'm not going back. If Evan finds himself shorthanded, then the goddess will get to reckon with why she wanted us in first place." He paused and then looked straight at Katrina, "The gods are only in this for themselves. We had to bargain with her, Lieutenant. For our own people."

He looked down at the ground, taking a couple steps away before he faced Katrina again.

"There's something the volunteers might want to know before they agree to this." He raised his eyebrows dramatically. "The goddess has a cock." He left it at that, staring at Katrina expectantly--as if that single piece of information would explain the discomfort all the attacked men felt--before he looked out toward the river and bit the inside of his cheek, waiting.

"The gods are only in this for themselves. We had to bargain with her, Lieutenant. For our own people."

Something resonated in Katrina's body at those words--a rich, righteous humming in the core of her and radiating out. She clenched her jaw to try to keep her expression steady, but her eyes did widen, and a certain sort of openness settled over her face. Seth was... absolutely right about something really important, there. Not that she was sure it'd change anything about the situation, but she had an inkling that it could change something for her. So, she was listening absolutely intently--maybe even excitedly--when Seth said that there was something the volunteers might want to know.

Whatever she was hoping for or expecting, the words that actually came out of her soldier's mouth were so far off-base from it that it took Katrina a blink to even make sense of them. When his meaning settled in, though, her eyes widened with horror rather than intrigue, and in just another blink, Katrina turned her head to the side, her gaze desperate to look anywhere other than Seth.

What was she supposed to say to that? Was she seriously supposed to tell Eva-- oh, gods, Evan probably already knew. The lieutenant's face actually went pale, and she couldn't stop her hands from covering her stomach and her mouth, respectively, even though amidst whatever queasiness arose, arguably the more powerful feeling was the painful tug in her chest. She didn't know how to handle that, though--didn't want to even look at it. She wanted to be disgusted by Evan, because the alternative...

But then there was Seth. Katrina willed herself to swallow down her queasiness and lower her hands to her side... and bring her gaze back to her soldier, her face still burning red, but her expression apologetic. Seth didn't deserve her disgust, not if he was refusing to go back to the goddess, unlike their captain. Granted, there was an empty sense of failure weighing down her stomach now, but she reminded herself that her instruction had merely been to inform Seth of the situation; Evan himself had said that it was fine if Seth didn't choose to go.

"I'll... advise the captain that volunteers should be informed." The lieutenant managed to say through nearly-gritted teeth--not angry, but deeply uncomfortable. After a moment she also managed to straighten her posture, and relax her expression at least marginally.

"Is there anything else, cadet?"

A pang of guilt hit Katrina's chest to go back to being so formal so quickly, but she didn't know how else to move through this. She hoped that Seth would be able to forgive her.

Before he could help himself, he looked back at Katerina to watch her react. She was horrified and vaguely angry. Maybe a little embarrassed. She quickly looked away herself, and Seth chastised himself for bringing it up at all. Gods, why did he think that had been a good idea? Because it probably doesn't even bother Rutliff, and he clearly hasn't told anyone. Based on Katrina's reaction, Seth was even more sure he had been right. Gods, Seth always knew that Evan was not exactly an upstanding citizen, but his blasé approach to all this made Seth angry. As if the soldier didn't have enough to be angry about already.

Katrina partially recovered, but Seth could tell she was seconds from running away. Some part of him wanted to tell her more, explain in detail what the goddess had done to him rather than force her to make her own assumptions, but he knew he was only going to get more of this same reaction from her, and he didn't want to make her more uncomfortable than she already was. Gods, he felt stupid.

"I'm... sorry," he said, kicking the ground a little with one boot. "I'm not... I didn't mean..." Gods, that was going nowhere. Seth was clearly worse at apologizing than he was at delivering awkward information. Although, he thought with some irritation, Katrina's the one who hadn't wasted any time launching in. She set the tone, after all.

Seth grit his teeth as he thought about Evan suggesting that Seth volunteer. Fat fucking chance. In fact, maybe Seth should go talk to Evan himself. The soldier had a brief moment of fantasy in which he caught Evan just outside the commander's tent and pushed him, hard. Started a fight. Gave that short son-of-a-bitch a nosebleed that he would fucking deserve. See how the goddess liked him then.

He was half-tempted to go and do just that--how much lower could he get in rank, anyway?--before he imagined the commander's steely reaction to seeing the two men scuffling on the ground. It would just become another reason for Seth to feel pathetic about himself.

He thought about trying again to say something, but the only things coming to mind were Permission to leave the army, sir and Permission to stick my head in the sand, sir. Gods, he had been and would likely continue to be useless to their cause. Maybe he should go volunteer.

"I know I've been dead weight, lieutenant. I'll... I'm..." His voice cracked on the last word, and he put one hand sideways to his mouth before he could stop himself.

There was an excess of water in his eyes when he finally said, "I'll keep chopping wood."

Katrina's expression softened considerably when Seth said he was sorry. She hadn't meant to make him feel sorry. Sure, his exclamation about the goddess' privates wasn't what she'd call tactful, but she could give him leeway considering what he must have been through. Her expression winced to think of what he must have been through, but she regained that softness quickly, although she wasn't entirely sure what to do with it.

"Most of us are dead weight right now," the lieutenant finally said with a shrug, an over-accentuated frown digging crookedly into one cheek--one of the ways Katrina attempted to be playful with her grumpiness.

"Hell, some people have been spending their days playing cards lately. At least you're keeping our fires going." With that she let her theatrical frown fade into a hopeful, timid little smile.

"I'll let you get back to it, then." And, at last, she re-straitened and returned to a bit of a harder, more formal expression. "Dismissed."