Written Wonderland

Over the past five years, Rav had gotten good at shutting off his responses. He remained stoic and matter-of-fact in much of his work, and he kept himself at a distance. He had few friends and spent more time than he probably needed to at work. At the clinic, Rav saw all manner of person, and most of the time, he didn't give them a second glance. He competently drew their blood and sent them on their way. And, he was good at what he did, so it was no wonder that, eventually, his coworkers started sending all the difficult draws to Rav. He appreciated the challenge, and he liked feeling like he had done well, so this worked for him. But that also meant that his coworkers sent him patients who were at risk of fainting.

Whatever the reason, Rav found himself relaxing and opening up around patients who thought they might faint. He wanted to be reassuring and attentive, charismatic and tender. He enjoyed that he needed to spend a little extra time with them to make sure they wouldn't have a reaction, liked that he had more permission to get them anything they needed. And, maybe, just maybe, he felt some thrill in the idea that something could go terribly wrong--but didn't.

Sure, there were times when Rav fucked up. And maybe times when there was nothing Rav could have done. But, those days were few and far between, and he could honestly say that, most days, he liked his job.

He certainly liked his job more than his home life, that was for sure. He often didn't know what to do with himself and would end up down YouTube rabbit holes that led no way. "How to come back from a mistake?" never really yielded positive results. But, he did manage to find a therapist that would take his insurance, and after a few sessions, he finally told her what happened.

"I was at a party with some friends in college, and we were all trashed. There was a girl who had been drinking more than anyone else, and she was... flirting pretty heavily. One of my friends dared me to take her to bed, and I... did." Admitting this to someone was terrifying, and he expected at any moment for his therapist to tell him she was going to call the police, but instead, she kept listening. "She didn't remember anything in the morning, but she seemed upset and left quickly. I didn't think about it much at all after that until I came across some memes about safe sex, and..." Rav couldn't meet the therapist's eyes even though the call was over Zoom. "...I realized what I'd done. What I was. I haven't been able to get back in contact with her--I don't even know her last name--and I've sworn off relationships until I can figure this out. It's just... it's been three years now, and I..." Rav tried not to cry, and he could feel his stony expression closing in. Gods, he hated himself for this. It was such a stupid, stupid thing to do. "Should I... do you think I belong in prison?"

The therapist was quiet for a long time. Finally, she said, "I don't think I know of anyone who was better off having gone to prison. If you really want to work on this in yourself, you have to forgive yourself. You have to go back to that memory and find a way to do things differently, or at least make it right."

For over a year, they worked with the Internal Family Systems model of therapy, trying to unlock all the reasons why Rav had done what he did. He came out of most of those sessions feeling raw and overwhelmed, but he was starting to believe that it might be possible for him to rebuild his life. Maybe, just maybe, he could try again one day.

Eventually, when he confessed to his therapist that he was still afraid of sex, she asked him, "Have you ever heard of surrogate partner therapy?" Rav had done a lot of research, and though it was in a legal gray area, it sounded like the safest way for him to start recovering from this mess. "Be completely honest with her. Let her make her own decisions about what she thinks is safe. And I'll work directly with her, too. It's going to be all right."

His therapist gave him some recommendations for surrogate partners in his area, and finally, he took the plunge and called one--Hannah.

He'd been meeting with Hannah for four months now, and he was nearing the end of his set of sessions with her. She said he was ready to try a real relationship, especially after he'd started going to a contact improv dance class on his days off, but Rav wasn't so sure.

At work one day, a young man walked in, clearly nervous. As Rav went through his chart, he realized this man--Nick--was a faint risk, and already excitement began building in Rav's body. The conversation was easy, and Rav even felt charming. He found himself wondering if he could be happy in a relationship with someone like Nick--shy, unintimidating--but then he started closing up thinking about having to tell Nick about his past.

No, it wasn't going to happen.

But then, the next day when he was getting his morning coffee, he saw Nick there in the coffee shop, and Rav's stomach lit up with butterflies.

Damn it, Rav thought, realizing he wasn't going to forgive himself if he didn't take this opportunity. Besides, in all likelihood, Nick would turn him down. It was, of course, possible that Nick wasn't interested in men.

While he sat at a table in the back, casually watching Nick, Rav drafted a number of notes he might give Nick on his way out.

Hey, we should talk sometime. Okay, but where? Rav crossed it out.

I liked drawing your blood. Want to catch a movie sometime? That made him sound like a vampire, and he wasn't sure he wanted to take Nick to a dark theater anyway. Rav crossed it out.

Finally, he settled on something. Good to see you again. If you like to dance, I go to this class on Saturday mornings. Rav wrote the address and the time and folded the piece of paper. As he finished his coffee, Rav got up and walked over to Nick's table. Rav was almost certain that Nick hadn't seen him yet, but as he dropped off the note, he paused, and gods above, Rav had the impulse to wink. He left quickly after that.

I invited someone to contact improv class, Rav texted Hannah, proud of himself. He might not show, but you know, it's progress.

That's a great first date activity! Hannah said.

Not a date, Rav sent back, but he was smiling.

Except, on Saturday morning, Nick was there. "Hey, thanks for the invite," Nick said, smiling wide. "I've never done this before, but I looked it up online, and it looks amazing!"

Rav found himself smiling a little as he stretched, completely unsure what to do about this turn of events.

Nick continued, "You know, I feel silly about this, but I don't think you ever told me your name."

"Rav," he said, and then the music started. For the most part, Rav kept to himself during class, dancing to his own rhythms and disengaging quickly when others got close to him. But, he'd been working up the nerve to dance with others, and now that Nick was here...

About halfway through class, when Rav thought Nick was trying to catch Rav's attention, he let Nick get close, and they spent several songs dancing near each other--their hands almost touching. The electric sensation in Rav's stomach spread all through his body, and he found himself smiling, happy. It was a strange feeling, and he didn't want it to end.

At the end of the class, Rav drained the rest of his water bottle and went to gather his things. Nick came with him. Rav thought Nick might want something from him, so he asked, "Think you'll come again?"

"I'd like to! Would that be okay?" Nick asked.

Rav smiled. "Yeah, come all you like." He thought Nick was maybe a little disappointed with that response, but Rav couldn't think of a better one.

Sure enough, Nick showed up to the next class. And the next one. And the next. They had begun touching their hands together as they danced by the fourth class, and after that, Rav texted Hannah.

I think I have to tell him about what I did, Hannah. But I don't know how.

Invite him to a neutral location, and just be honest! Remember--why is this relevant? Tell him how you feel!

Easier said than done, Rav thought.

At the fifth class, Rav wore his favorite shirt--one he knew showed off his biceps nicely--and started dancing alone, but when he saw Nick, he drifted nearer, doing his best to sense into Nick's energy. Nick was smiling, excited and swaying in perfect time to the music, happy to be drifting nearer to Rav as well. Soon, their hands were playing together, weaving in time with the rhythm. As the songs switched from one to the next, Rav found it more and more tempting to get close to Nick. He brushed his hip against Nick's hip and reached around to Nick's back with one hand, keeping perfect rhythm. It was less intimate than other things Rav had witnessed people do at contact improv, but it was more than Rav had ever done. The sensation was ecstasy, and Rav could feel the familiar happiness he felt with Nick coming over him. Nick seemed to be reflecting it back at him, and they danced closer and closer. Rav started breathing heavier and heavier, enjoying the sensation of an erection building and not caring for once if anyone might see it in his sweatpants.

But then, Nick's thigh brushed up against Rav's length, sending a shudder of sparks quickly followed by a darkening of Rav's vision and a sensation of utter horror as a heavy pit of guilt settled into his stomach. Immediately, Rav broke contact with Nick and left the room, needing to calm down. He sat on the benches outside the class, still breathing heavily, trying to sort out what had happened. After a few moments, Nick followed him out.

"Hey, are you okay? Do you need anything?"

Rav didn't want to talk to him, but he knew he had to say something.

Turning away from Nick, he said, "No... I'm just..." Finally, he turned and faced Nick, looking intensely into Nick's eyes. "I'm attracted to you."

Nick looked taken aback, placing a hand on his chest in surprise, but then he chuckled a little. "Oh..." Nick said, "I'm glad the feeling is mutual."

Rav shook his head, angry at himself for not communicating clearly. Nick couldn't see what the problem was.

"There's too many people around," Rav said quietly, looking at the ground.

"We could do contact improv somewhere private sometime if you want," Nick offered, and Rav looked up at him, daring to be hopeful, but it felt like a dream.

"That... that would be nice," Rav said. Nick pulled out his phone and asked for Rav's number, and Rav gave it to him. But, soon after, he left long before the class was over.

--


Rav arrived a few minutes after their agreed-upon time, having gotten caught up on his phone in an effort not to be early. But, when he entered, Nick wasn't there yet either.

Well, if he stands me up, that would make this easy, Rav thought.

He questioned the wisdom of ordering something for himself or waiting for Nick, eyeing the tables and the cashier. He didn't want the staff to think he was loitering.

"Decaf americano, please. No room." He might have ordered for Nick, too, if he had known what Nick had been drinking the other day, but he hadn't bothered to ask.

Rav found a table in the back corner of the coffee shop, away from the windows. He settled with his back to the wall, which would give Nick plenty of access to the exit, should he need it. Rav sighed heavily, waiting for the staff to call his name. He couldn't help thinking about what Nick's reaction to all this might be.

He pulled out the sticky note he had written himself.

-landscape
-five years ago...
-no relationships
-therapists
-ready to try

*Remember--why is this relevant?*

When he saw Nick walk in, Rav put the sticky note back in his pocket, stood up, and calmly walked over, nodding in greeting with his hands in his black pleather jacket pockets. Approaching the counter together, Rav said, "It's on me." That way, at least he wouldn't feel like he had wasted Nick's money as well as his time.

Nick was full to bursting with nervous butterflies when he walked into the coffee shop, though he was perhaps all too good at not showing it. Rav was there already--quite reasonable, as Nick was very aware that he himself was several minutes late. He hoped Rav was not annoyed. He smiled lightly to Rav in greeting, and the man stood and walked calmly toward Nick, hands in pockets and his expression unreadable. Nick wanted to bump shoulders--something to establish some warmth or playfulness--but Rav seemed... closed off, for the moment. Still, in briefly exploring the desire and the path toward it, Nick settled warmly into a stride alongside Rav, their shoulders close enough to each other to satisfy something for Nick as they approached the counter together.

"It's on me," Rav said, and Nick blinked up to him with a bashful smile.

"Oh, thank you." It did make him feel a little giddy, though only for a moment; the energy dissipated quickly. Perhaps when the urge to playfully bump shoulders arose again, only to feel stifled. Nick wasn't sure if he was genuinely picking something up from Rav, or if his own nervousness was getting in the way. Maybe both. It wasn't as though he often bumped shoulders with people, anyway; it was just a thought that often arose but never quite seemed appropriate.

In any case, he should probably put in his order.

"I'd love a mocha, please." He smiled to the barista and gave his name, and then awkwardly shuffled aside to let Rav pay. He hoped Rav didn't feel obligated to, though. Should he have tried to turn the man down? Nick shook his head a little at himself, and then moved over toward the other end of the counter to wait for his drink, adding in a very light skip along the way to shed some excess energy, and maybe to try to express some of that playfulness that kept wanting to bubble up. Once there, he spun around toward Rav with a bit of playfulness in his smile, hopeful perhaps that the skip might have loosened something up--for himself, at least, if not for Rav, also.

Nick gave Rav a bashful smile, and Rav could see him calculating whether to argue.

He didn't, for which Rav was grateful. "Oh, thank you." Nick brightened, momentarily, then turned back to the cashier.

"I'd love a mocha, please."

Nick gave his name, and Rav got out his card to pay. Out of his peripherals, he saw Nick skip slightly, making Rav smile awkwardly at the barista.

And that's why all of this is relevant, Rav thought, his giddy chagrin relegated to his mental landscape.

But then Nick spun around, and Rav couldn't help but turn to give him a look with a crooked grin as though to say, cute, but you're gonna need to give me a minute. Probably unmistakable interest from the barista's perspective. Well, if they were savvy, they'd know what was going on between Rav and Nick. Rav couldn't bring himself to care.

Once he'd paid, he walked over to Nick, the somber nature of what he would soon say pulling his smile back down slightly. He fingered the sticky note in his pocket.

"Rav?" another barista called, and Rav grasped the mug, looking at the dark contents, full to the brim.

Yeah, that's about right, he thought.

Rav nodded his head toward the table he had selected, making eye contact with the barista. They nodded, understanding. Nick's drink would come soon.

For now, they should sit.

Rav led the way and sat with his back to the corner--really where he preferred to sit, if he was being honest. With a clear exit for Nick.

"D'you make it here okay?" Rav asked, trying to find a conversational bridge to offer Nick.

Nick was pleasantly startled by the look on Rav's face, something weighty about his smile thudding into Nick's chest. The impact of it was soft, though, and Nick's expression simply softened a bit as the sensation rippled through him.

Nick didn't quite realize until Rav had finished paying and turned to walk toward him that he'd spaced off for a moment... staring at Rav. Embarassment bubbled up in him all of a sudden, and he turned away from Rav--toward the barista who had just walked up to the counter with a mug. Nick made eye contact with her in the split second when she called the order's name: "Rav?"

Nick smiled down at the floor, feeling terribly awkward, but he collected himself with a deep breath and a tense and release of his shoulders to shrug off the nervous energy he felt. Then, he returned his gaze to Rav with a steady smile, his eyes a little more confident and in focus. Rav started leading the way toward a table, and Nick followed along, grateful to sit.

"D'you make it here okay?" Rav asked, and ambarassment threatened to bubble up again -- Nick had been a few minutes late, and it was all too easy to imagine that Rav might be irritated about that. But, he didn't seem to be irritated. Nick sighed lightly, his brows drawing together to acknowledge some sheepishness.

"Not my smoothest start to the day this morning, but the walk was nice and I'm looking forward to my mocha," Nick replied, his smile strengthening as he spoke. "How about you?"

Nick looked embarrassed, or maybe just nervous, but he sort of always looked like that. Rav found it endearing but also difficult to see beyond. Still, Nick's reply set him at ease.

"Not my smoothest start to the day this morning, but the walk was nice, and I'm looking forward to my mocha," Nick said, his confidence showing in the way his shoulders relaxed slightly. "How about you?"

Rav shrugged--buying time. "Not far from work, so..." Rav looked out at a distant window. "...yeah," he said, letting the syllable fall flat. Gods, what sort of small talk did one have before making a confession like this?

He let a silence pass between them, trying to think of something.

Staring down at his americano, still too hot to drink, he said, "I've really enjoyed contact improv with you. I don't always dance with a partner there, and it's been... nice."

He looked up at Nick, hope in his lifted eyebrows.

Rav shrugged. "Not far from work, so..." he trailed off, looking out at a distant window. "...yeah."

Nick's eyebrows drew together again, completely of their own accord. Rav was being short with him, if he wasn't mistaken. His mind supplied memories of the last contact improv class; the moment Rav had excused himself. Nick still didn't fully understand what had happened. But, well, that was what they had come to talk about, wasn't it? Part of it, anyway. Nick's fingers fidgeted a little in his lap, unsure how to proceed. Thankfully, Rav did continue after a pause.

"I've really enjoyed contact improv with you. I don't always dance with a partner there, and it's been... nice."

Nick's smile relaxed at that, and he nodded warmly. "Yeah. I've been really enjoying it, too. I'm really glad you invited me." His eyes drifted away as he finished speaking, his smile growing a little sheepish and his cheeks just the tiniest bit warm.

There were a million questions he wanted to ask--everything from, "Why did you invite me?" to "What happened the other day?"--but all of them felt... too big? He almost wished they weren't in a coffee shop, that they had just gone ahead and met up for contact improv together. Somehow, that seemed easier--but, of course, that was imagining that whatever had happened last time, wouldn't happen again.

Nick drew his eyes back to Rav, his smile widening with nervousness as he settled perhaps recklessly, perhaps bravely, on whatever question made its way onto his tongue when he committed to asking one.

"What kinds of things have been on your mind?"

Then, his eyebrows drew together again, his gaze once again drifting as bashfulness flared and he felt he should clarify: "You mentioned, you've had a lot on your mind."

Finally, his eyes darted back to Rav, his own brows raising with hope as he took in Rav's expression.

Nick's expression softened, and he nodded, cheeks reddening. "Yeah. I've been really enjoying it, too. I'm really glad you invited me." Nick was no longer looking Rav in the eye, and that almost felt like it gave Rav permission to stare. A rare treat.

But, finally, Nick did look at him, his smile widening briefly as though he was thinking about saying something. Several things seemed to catch just behind his vocal chords before something made it past them.

"What kinds of things have been on your mind?" He drew his eyebrows together and then specified. "You mentioned, you've had a lot on your mind."

Rav was about to pull out his sticky note when the barista came over to drop Nick's mocha off. Rav nodded at them gratefully, hoping the tip he had offered was enough to warrant such service.

While Nick settled in with his drink, Rav looked at what he had written, his hand holding the note just out of sight under the table.

-landscape
-five years ago...
-no relationships
-therapists
-ready to try

*Remember--why is this relevant?*

He sighed quietly, watching the barista walk away.

"Yeah," Rav began absently before turning his gaze squarely on Nick, embarrassment be damned. "Look, I know I was awkward last time. And, I want to thank you for..." Rav hesitated, unsure how to say it. He looked away. "Well, I'm glad the attraction is mutual." Rav could feel his face reddening. Gods, he needed to get this out quickly, or he was going to lose his nerve.

"I wanted to invite you over to my place for contact improv, but there's probably something you should know first." Rav looked back at Nick once more, jaw locked briefly. He snuck another glance at his sticky note. "I realized five years ago that I had made a mistake and violated someone's consent a while back. I haven't been able to get in touch with them since, and I haven't been in a relationship since then either. I've been working with a therapist and others to help me with whatever went wrong back then, but..." Rav stopped, closing his eyes and leaning against the wall. Remember--why is this relevant? "...I didn't have a reason to try with someone until now."

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. "I've been trying to put it off, keep distance between us. I thought maybe things would peter out before now, but..." Rav grinned sheepishly, raising his eyebrows in hope again, "...last time, the sparks were intense."

Rav sobered quickly, though, suddenly feeling like maybe that had been a little too much, given the context. He put his hands back in his pockets and looked down at his coffee.

"Anyway, no hard feelings if you want to end whatever this is here. I would get it." Rav stared stubbornly at the door, hoping he didn't actually have to remind Nick that he could leave if he wanted.

Nick was startled a little when the barista brought his drink by. He'd expected to hear his name.

"Oh, thank you!" he smiled warmly to her, beaming gratitude through his expression. It was a nice treat not to get up.

Next came the part where Nick looked down at his hands around his drink as he felt out how hot it was. Still, of course, too hot to hold onto consistently - he'd be gently touching his hands to the cup and then retreating to a small buffer and repeating again for a while, as was his ritual. He liked the warmth and soaking up what he could of it. And, maybe he also liked just having something to fidget with, in a way that no one would think much of him fidgeting.

Settled into his little routine, Nick returned his gaze to Rav, who seemed to be looking... under the table? Something in his hand maybe? It was only a split second before Rav brought his eyes up to land squarely on Nick, and he swallowed.

"Yeah. Look, I know I was awkward last time. And, I want to thank you for..." Rav hesitated, looking away. "Well, I'm glad the attraction is mutual."

Nick relaxed a little, his smile brightening. Although a lot had been confusing and alarming about Rav's abrupt exit from contact improv, Nick had certainly been happy that Rav had said he was attracted to Nick. And, Nick was even more happy that Rav was acknowledging it again now. Whatever else was going on... well, it was good that Rav wanted to talk about it, right?

"I wanted to invite you over to my place for contact improv, but there's probably something you should know first." Rav looked back at Nick once more, his jaw stiff, and then glanced down under the table again. "I realized five years ago that I had made a mistake and violated someone's consent a while back. I haven't been able to get in touch with them since, and I haven't been in a relationship since then either. I've been working with a therapist and others to help me with whatever went wrong back then, but..." Rav stopped, closing his eyes and leaning against the wall. "...I didn't have a reason to try with someone until now."

Nick felt the heaviness settle into his chest and his stomach before he entirely understood what Rav was saying. He let his expression fall a little, though some stubborn lightheartedness in him kept his lips from dipping completely out of a smile. Besides, it was... sweet, wasn't it? Rav wanting to try with Nick, after...

Rav took a deep breath and opened his eyes. "I've been trying to put it off, keep distance between us. I thought maybe things would peter out before now, but..." he grinned sheepishly, raising his eyebrows in hope again, "...last time, the sparks were intense."

Again, Nick felt the effects of Rav's words in his body first - this time a giddy, excited warmth building up from his stomach and through his chest and into his cheeks. Sparks. Well, and then the warmth echoed down deep, and Nick nibbled on his lip, his own smile growing a little bit sheepish.

"Anyway," Rav continued, his tone a bit more flat, "no hard feelings if you want to end whatever this is here. I would get it."

There, Nick's expression did fall to a slight frown, sadness draining the warmth from him. He closed his hands tight around his mocha. An urge prodded at him to say "No, no, of course I don't want to end things," - worried that if he hesitated saying it, Rav might not hear it. Heck, Rav was already staring at the door--was his mind already made up, no matter what Nick said? Nick really hoped not. But he couldn't bring himself to speak just yet, and he looked down at his own drink, his gaze deeply contemplative.

He didn't want to just brush past what Rav had shared, even though the temptation was there. But, it was also so clear to him that he didn't want to just walk away. So, he'd just... sit for a moment, feeling how all of this sat in his body. A buzz of anxiety in his chest, nervous butterflies in his stomach, a heavy sadness in his gut. But, warmth, too, and jolts of excitement reminding him of all the times that Rav had touched him--from that very first day getting his blood drawn, to that last class where there were indeed sparks. Nick's face was getting a little hot, and he was sure he was blushing. But, surely that was more than appropriate here.

Finally, Nick closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, and then settled his gaze on Rav with some mustered confidence.

"Thank you for telling me. I don't want to end this. I like how this has been going. I haven't wanted to overstep, but..." his confidence faltered for a moment there, his eyes flicking to the side and tempting retreat, but he was at least brave enough to finish the thought. "I've felt sparks from the start, if I'm being honest." His smile was a little sheepish when he drew his gaze back to Rav, his eyebrows hopeful. He couldn't help pausing just briefly, hoping to gauge how his words landed in Rav's expression. Still, he felt compelled to say a little bit more before leaving converation in Rav's court.

"There's nothing I need, though. We can go slow. And... I'm happy to hear more about what you're working on. As you want to share. It sounds like it's been a big journey."

Rav tried to take in every aspect of Nick’s expression, even out of his peripheral vision. Nick had bitten his lip at one moment and frowned when Rav talked about the possibility of calling it all off. Was that a good sign or a bad one? Rav wasn’t sure.

When Rav looked more squarely at Nick again, he was holding his mug tightly, his hands a little lighter on account of the tension. But, Nick wasn’t leaving.
Should Rav remind him that he could? He didn’t want Nick to feel trapped. Unconsciously, Rav raised an eyebrow.

But Nick also wasn’t saying anything. Just staring down at his drink. Well, Rav supposed he was glad Nick was taking some time to think about it. Rav could feel the temptation in his body to shut off the attraction, to stem the flow of interest, to distance himself. He was ready—he’d done it before. But he didn’t want to do it preemptively, either.

Nick closed his eyes, his face becoming a little red. It was warm in here, wasn’t it? But then Nick did look up at Rav.

“Thank you for telling me. I don’t want to end this. I like how this has been going. I haven’t wanted to overstep, but…” Nick looked away before finishing the thought. “…I’ve felt sparks from the start, if I’m being honest.”

Rav raised both eyebrows, but Nick continued. “There’s nothing I need, though. We can go slow. And… I’m happy to hear more about what you’re working on. As you want to share. It sounds like it’s been a big journey.”

Nothing I need. It seemed too good to be true. Was Nick sure? Was he going into this blind? Had he even heard Rav? Looking down at his own drink, Rav ran back over what he had said in his mind. He was sure he had been clear enough. And was it really Rav’s responsibility to make sure Nick wasn’t jumping into this irresponsibly?

He felt like he should keep the conversation serious and sober, but he couldn’t help himself.

Leaning forward with a wolfish grin, “From the start? You mean, when I drew your blood?” It came out before he could even help it, and he straightened when he realized, but his grin didn’t fully fade.

Excitement rose in Nick's belly along with Rav's eyebrows. But then Rav looked down at his drink, looking unsure about something. Nick swallowed, keeping his expression steady--and least until Rav leaned forward, lips curling into a wolfish grin.

“From the start? You mean, when I drew your blood?”

Nick tensed his knees together a little under the table, his expression widening into a bashful grin as his eyes couldn't help flicking off to the side. His heart fluttered, nervousness blanking out his mind for a moment. He huffed out a gentle, quiet little laugh as he managed to pull his gaze back to Rav, albeit a bit crookedly.

"I mean... yeah."

Although quite soft, there was something emphatic in his voice--something exerting confidence for a brief, shining moment--before uncertainty and embarassment drew his gaze to the side again, one hand leaving his mug to rub shyly at his hair. Was he laying out too much? Would Rav think he was ridiculous? Had he really just been in his own head about it, letting some vague fantasy fill in gaps around someone just doing their job? Finally, worry snagged its way into his expression, and when Nick returned his gaze to Rav, it was with a mild sheepish apology in his drawn-together brows.

"Sorry if that's... " his eyes drifted, resolved to communicate something, but finding the words for it was slippery. His hands gripped at his mug again, grounding himself in the warmth as he let out a soft sigh.

"I just mean, you were very... welcoming?"

His eyes returned once more to Rav, his smile crooked and sheepish. Then, a thought occurred to him that softened his expression with a hint of relief and a dash of hopefulness, though he couldn't find anything else to voice just yet.