Caleb & Raccoon

[Emily]

Caleb had just been pondering how he wanted to restart with Raccoon, or where he wanted to go, when the soldier spoke up with another apology. The captain smiled gently to the cadet, grateful for the extra show of remorse, and now wanting to put the soldier at ease. Before Caleb could respond, though, Raccoon continued blurting, and with one surprise after another! Caleb's heart sank into his stomach at the thought of sending the goddess more men--when they'd only just gotten everyone back!--and then leapt back up into his throat again when Raccoon said they wanted in.

Caleb stopped walking, and turned to face Raccoon head-on, his expression one of unabashed astonishment.

"Really?" the word tumbled bewilderedly from his mouth, even while his mind still pondered over the reality of what Raccoon had said. Then, he got his wits a bit more about him and glanced around, suddenly aware again that they weren't exactly in private, even if they had escaped the obvious audience they had in the mess tent.

"Hold that thought." Caleb held his finger up, almost shushing himself as he raised his eyebrows this way and that, deciding where to go. Perhaps just back to his tent was wisest, but that felt so far away, and his and Raccoon's patience's would both burn out fast. Instead, Caleb dropped his hand and nodded towards a nearby cluster of soldiers' tents they could duck around back of, at least be mostly out of sight of folks just walking by for what that would be worth. The captain then made haste that direction, and recommenced the conversation the instant he stopped and turned around.

"You--Evan said--hang on." or, well, he tried to recommence immediately, but found himself stumbling. What exactly did he want to address first here? Caleb rubbed briefly at his temple. "What did he mean, 'go to her'? Like, visit her like he's doing? Or...." Caleb's mind went to the soldiers who had fallen to her nightmares, their bodies twitching in the infirmary tent while muttering incomprehensiveness, and he scrunched his shoulders in a sudden shiver. "...like the others?"

[andrav]

Raccoon was immensely satisfied to have given Caleb a fluster. Truthfully, it was a much better look on him than the stern expression Raccoon had been reprimanded with in the mess tent. With haste, Raccoon believed their captain had accepted their apology.

But then... Really? Why was Caleb so surprised?

Before Raccoon had much of a moment to respond, Caleb comically looked around to see if others were paying attention, which was exactly the way to look guilty--Raccoon knew--and stifled a laugh as Caleb shushed himself and led them around a nearby tent. This was supposed to be discreet? Well, regardless, it didn't exactly matter to Raccoon. Caleb was the nervous one. So, if this made him feel better...

But... did Raccoon really want to go? They thought so. It sounded interesting. They would get to meet a goddess. And see what Evan's actually up to. And see a goddess. And visit a whole other realm. And see a goddess. Yeah, that sounded pretty good.

A voice in Raccoon's mind did worry, though, about the possibility of never coming back. Eh, they could think about that later. For now, they had Caleb's interest. And the question was, well... there was no good answer.

"Something in between?" Raccoon said, shrugging their soldiers.

[Emily]

Caleb raised an eyebrow, but supposed he was actually put a little bit at ease. Maybe it was just Raccoon's nonchalant reply. Which, granted, maybe Caleb shouldn't base his level of nervousness on Raccoon's nonchalance. The captain sighed, and tried once again to gather himself.

"Start from the top. The goddess wants to get men back... why? I thought Evan was trying to get... the opposite?" Caleb shook his head almost before he finished talking. He realized before he even got the question out that maybe he should ask the commander those sorts of details--surely Evan had run this by Mizu?? "Wait, nevermind that--" he cut in quickly to buy himself another moment before Raccoon would reply.

"You want to go?" the captain met Raccoon's eyes solemnly, his brow furrowed just-so with worry. "Are you sure? This isn't something to take lightly, Raccoon."

[andrav]

Raccoon had already taken a breath to reply to his captain's first question when Caleb interjected himself. Ugh, he was always doing that just when Raccoon had something to say. Well, actually, they always had something to say. That wasn't the point. Whatever.

So, Caleb didn't actually want to hear it from the top, and he did actually want to know if Raccoon was sure. How the hell were they supposed to be sure when Evan was so darn vague about everything? Grrrrrr...

Raccoon's face scrunched up in an unpleasant expression, and they folded their arms, unconsciously veering toward grumpy. But, as they thought about what to say--so many directions they could go--they began to relax and finally dropped their arms to their sides again, their expression softening.

"When the soldiers were screaming in the night... weren't you curious? Scared, yeah, sure, but underneath that. Didn't you want to know? Want to experience what they experienced?" Raccoon looked Caleb up and down and realized that might be the wrong tactic to take here. Who was Raccoon really trying to convince anyway? Caleb or themself?

Raccoon looked down at the ground. "I mean, yeah, I'm scared. I don't know what will happen, and Ev... Captain Rutliff was... unsettled to say the least. But he also believed with his whole being that he was doing the right thing, and he got to ride a dragon for heaven's sake! How bad could it really be?"

All that said, Raccoon didn't want to leave Caleb hanging on the why forever, so they took a deep breath and continued. "The Shel'ti alliance or somesuch? The goddess won't let it happen unless ten of our soldiers..." Raccoon trailed off, remembering their discomfort with the trading situation. Why were the rebel soldiers more valuable than the Shel'ti? More fun? Were the Shel'ti a bunch of stuck-up old pricks or what? Raccoon wouldn't exactly say the army camp was more devout...

"Well, whatever. I'm tired of sitting around. I want to do something." Raccoon looked, for all the world, like they were about to cry and folded their arms haughtily again.

[Emily]

Caleb admittedly stared a bit blankly at Raccoon as they started talking about the soldiers who had been attacked in the night. No... Caleb wouldn't say curious was the word he'd felt about them. Sure, maybe he wanted to know what they were experiencing, but only in that the absolute vacuum of knowledge about what was happening in their camp was horrifying. Caleb was fairly certain he didn't want to experience what they'd been experiencing.

... Right?

Well, before Caleb could think very much about that, Raccoon was back to talking about what Captain Rutliff had said in the mess tent. Caleb found it both relieving and alarming that Raccoon reported that Rutliff had been... unsettled. The captain thought back to that fist banging on the table, and wondered what Evan had been thinking about in that moment. It was strange thinking of Evan as unsettled, but... the relief came in some newly-solidified belief that Raccoon was taking this seriously. That they did in fact know that this was more than just campfire stories.

But... then it seemed like the soldier was starting to take it too seriously! Caleb never liked it when Raccoon got pouty. He frankly almost missed what Racoon had said about the Shel'ti for the way the soldier's countenance was changing. The captain frankly couldn't help himself; he reached forward to firmly clasp Raccoon's shoulders, his expression serious and determined as he attempted to meet Raccoon's gaze.

"I know the past few days have been among the most restless of the entire war, and I know how hard that is. If this is about an alliance with the Shel'ti--" oh, so that information had gotten tucked away, lovely! "--then we probably won't be sitting around much longer, and I recognize that, for that to be the case, someone's got to volunteer. And, if you want to be one of those people, I will support you. Just promise me you won't go out of boredom. I fear she may chew you up and spit you out if you do."

Truthfully, Caleb hadn't thought much about what he said there, and he wasn't entirely sure he could back it up, but he felt in his gut that he was speaking truth, and his earnest expression surely showed it.

[andrav]

When their captain grabbed their shoulders suddenly, Raccoon's eyes got exceptionally wide, and their desire to bolt out of the situation shot through the roof. They wanted to leave, wanted to get out of what was starting to feel like a trap, but they soothed themselves knowing that all they had to do was drop to the ground and Caleb wouldn't have hold of them anymore. Plus, Caleb was a pushover. He wasn't going to put up a fight if Raccoon wanted to get away.

But Caleb's words didn't make the situation easier. Their captain seemed to be attempting to console them, to remind them that the stationary nature of the camp was temporary. And Caleb said he would support Raccoon if that's what Raccoon really wanted, but then went and said, "Just promise me you won't go out of boredom." Raccoon didn't hear the rest of what Caleb said because they were too busy trying to sort out whether they had ever done anything except because they were bored. And if they hadn't, what did that mean? How could they make Caleb understand?

First things first, Raccoon took several steps backward so that Caleb's hands left their shoulders. Too hard to think with the captain being all serious and touchy-feely like that. Too much desire to run.

And then, what to say?

"Captain, what other reasons are there to do anything?" Raccoon was asking genuinely, their head tilted to one side, but they were still crossing their arms.

[Emily]

Caleb found that he wanted to clasp his hands in front of his chest when Raccoon stepped away, but instead he made loose fists at his sides. He worried he'd been too bold with the soldier, but... he'd had to try to connect. Else he might lose this soldier, and while he'd meant it when he'd said he'd support Raccoon's decision, he didn't want to feel he had lost the soldier simply for lack of trying.

But, then again, perhaps he was being too sentimental. This wasn't a battle where ideally everyone in his retinue makes it out alive (...ideally). This was a situation that required sacrifices, if he was understanding Raccoon correctly. Perhaps this conversation would have been better saved for after Caleb had tried to get more clarity on the overall situation, but he was in it now. And his soldier had just asked him a question that made his eyes melt with a sense of hurt and confusion. Had he ever even known Raccoon at all? He wanted to ask if boredom was truly the only reason Raccoon was here, fighting for Caleb and Mizu against king and country. It made him wonder if Raccoon could have just as easily been fighting alongside demons for the king, if that had been the more entertaining path at the right time.

But, the captain took a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly and bringing one fist up to his heart. He had to believe he was simply misunderstanding the soldier, and it wouldn't do to make them defensive--certainly not when they already looked poised to run.

"Friendship." Caleb answered earnestly as he opened his eyes to meet Raccoon's gaze again. "Compassion. Honor. To name a few. I suppose I can't tell you what you should value, but the way I understand boredom..." Caleb softened his expression and lowered his fist to his side again, trying to tread lightly now, but feeling called to continue speaking from his heart.

"Do you not enjoy spinning tales? Playing cards? Honing your skills? Taking this precious time to rest? I know there is a restlessness in the air--I feel it, too--but if you let that feeling overpower everything else, you miss out on life. Even amidst the uncertainty and impatience, I have enjoyed the opportunity I've had these past few days to get to know my soldiers better. Even amidst a war, people change. And I'm glad to be getting to know you better now, Raccoon. What do you value? Boredom is a thing you move away from--so, what is it you want to move towards?"

Caleb's eyes were wide and his eyebrows raised in a gentle hopefulness. He was braced for this to scare Raccoon away, but if he stayed and answered... Caleb's heart warmed to think of what richness might follow.

[andrav]

Raccoon suppressed the impulse to laugh when Caleb brought a fist up to his heart and said, "friendship," but they could tell that the captain was being serious, and so Raccoon just coughed a little. But they did listen to what Caleb had to say, taking their question as more than rhetorical and going through all the reasons it was so nice and peachy that they were sitting around doing nothing. Raccoon was just about to yawn before Caleb continued.

Boredom is a thing you run away from--so what is it you want to move towards?

Raccoon's eyes went wide again. It was such an odd question. You didn't run from boredom, right? That's just the thing that gave you the energy to do another thing. Any other thing. A fun thing. But what Caleb was getting at was outcomes. Outcomes and plans. And Raccoon, never really had any reason for those. Stories? Yeah, maybe, sure--Raccoon certainly liked to brag, but... doing was better than bragging.

"Boredom... it's the thing that makes things happen. And things are happening. I want to be part of them," Raccoon said, their arms still folded, still unsure about what the captain had asked and what their real answer would be.

[Emily]

Caleb remined quiet for a moment, contemplating Raccon's words. An impulse in his gut yearned to continue arguing, to continue trying to convince his soldier of something about boredom, but Caleb himself was losing sight of it. What was he actually afraid of? What was he truly trying to drive at? He studied Raccoon's eyes, impressed by the earnestness he found there. Perhaps this soldier actually understood something about boredom that Caleb did not, rather than the other way around.

The captain exhaled long and loud through his nose, both hands clasping behind his back as his eyes softened.

"Perhaps you're right," he said, a sigh floating silently beneath his words. Then, he let out a chuckle, his expression brightening somewhat. "Who am I to give advice on the goddess of desire? Really, I just want to make sure you think it through, whatever your reasons."

Caleb exhaled again, regaining some somberness as he let another brief silence pass.

"I suppose I myself was rash, not wanting to lose a soldier. I'm sorry. What do you need?"

[andrav]

Prepared to continue fighting on the matter, hackles about to raise, Raccoon was nearly shocked that Caleb changed tactics. They really shouldn't have been, though; they knew Caleb was a softie, after all, even if he had called them "Leonard" back in the mess tent.

As Caleb spoke, though, Raccoon had a moment of doubt flash through their body. Was this really a good idea? To go to the goddess of desire? Undoubtedly not, but how could Raccoon resist? They couldn't. And that was that.

Raccoon's eyes softened and their body relaxed when Caleb talked about not wanting to lose a soldier. Raccoon could understand that. They were further surprised when the captain then asked what they needed.

Playfully, Raccoon nudged Captain Maddock with their hip and then caught hold of the captain's shoulder, patting it a few times before disengaging.

"Well, for starters," Raccoon said, their grin sharp, "you can stop worrying about me. I mean, someone's gotta go, and I can handle myself." But then the short soldier grew thoughtful. "I would appreciate knowing, though... why does the goddess want to trade us for the Shel'ti? Doesn't she have more than ten of the Shel'ti? Why are we worth more to her?" Raccoon didn't exactly think that Captain Maddock would have the answer, but it was the one sticking point for Raccoon on whether it was a good idea to go, and if Caleb didn't know, maybe he would be willing to ask the questions to find out.