A splash of excitement spilled into Rav's stomach as he watched Nick's face alight with a smile in response to his words, though Nick reeled his excitement back toward contemplation quickly. It simultaneously made Rav grateful to see Nick being cautious--it made it easier to trust that Nick was carefully considering what he was getting himself into--and it made Rav feel guarded. Maybe it was too early to be so cavalier and playful, even in a shared imagination.
"Seems like it would be a little risky, knives in our hands and all..." Nick's tone betrayed the excitement he was keeping at bay, but the words confirmed Rav's other assumptions. Rav shrugged.
"Like I said. Complicated." He tried to keep the words as neutral as possible, but he could hear twinges of both his own excitement and a deeply pained lament creeping in at the edges.
The conflict of emotions in his mind crashed together into an intense fantasy of throwing Nick into a bush alongside the path, pinning his arms down, and biting his neck fiercely, but Rav kept breathing through it, his inhale and exhale a little more intentional than was usual.
Quietly, he added, "Maybe I'd take the knife out of your hand first." And put something else in it, a voice in Rav's mind finished, and Rav closed his eyes for a moment as they walked, willing some of his arousal to calm the fuck down. How was he supposed to keep up a conversation like this? He had the urge to text Hannah to let off some of the steam, but that obviously wouldn't be appropriate at this immediate moment--Rav didn't want to be rude. Gods, maybe he should have masturbated in Nick's bathroom.
Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav shrugged. "Like I said. Complicated."
His words were bright, but sharp. Nick's expression grew a little sad with understanding. Right, that was exactly where it was, wasn't it? Nick studied Rav's expression, though still from his sidelong tilt, his eyes narrowed in thought. He was excited by the fantasy, and he felt tugged toward a solution--a path through. But, how to find it? Rav breathed slowly but intensely, and Nick wondered if he was puzzling on it, too. They didn't have knives in their hands now... maybe they could just... try something?
"Maybe I'd take the knife out of your hand first." Rav said quietly, and Nick let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Yes, something exclaimed in his mind, overjoyed that Rav had found at least a piece of the puzzle. Nick wanted desperately to offer his own insight, too.
Instinctively, Nick looked around, and once his eyes landed on the nearest person, he drew in a shaky breath, another piece clicking into place.
"Witnesses are the knife, right now." He said, overcome with an impressive seriousness as he turned to face Rav more directly--proud to have figured something out. That was exactly as far as he'd gotten, though, his mind processing his own words in real time, and a great rush of excitement burned through him as the next step occurred to him--the way to set down the proverbial knife. His eyes flashed briefly toward the building they quickly approached--the bathroom--and returned to Rav just as quickly, blinking wide with a million different emotions.
His confidence evaporated quickly, concern bubbling up, and he stammered out with some haste, "Just--sharing data. You don't-- I'm not-- I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything, just thinking out loud."
His words were bright, but sharp. Nick's expression grew a little sad with understanding. Right, that was exactly where it was, wasn't it? Nick studied Rav's expression, though still from his sidelong tilt, his eyes narrowed in thought. He was excited by the fantasy, and he felt tugged toward a solution--a path through. But, how to find it? Rav breathed slowly but intensely, and Nick wondered if he was puzzling on it, too. They didn't have knives in their hands now... maybe they could just... try something?
"Maybe I'd take the knife out of your hand first." Rav said quietly, and Nick let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Yes, something exclaimed in his mind, overjoyed that Rav had found at least a piece of the puzzle. Nick wanted desperately to offer his own insight, too.
Instinctively, Nick looked around, and once his eyes landed on the nearest person, he drew in a shaky breath, another piece clicking into place.
"Witnesses are the knife, right now." He said, overcome with an impressive seriousness as he turned to face Rav more directly--proud to have figured something out. That was exactly as far as he'd gotten, though, his mind processing his own words in real time, and a great rush of excitement burned through him as the next step occurred to him--the way to set down the proverbial knife. His eyes flashed briefly toward the building they quickly approached--the bathroom--and returned to Rav just as quickly, blinking wide with a million different emotions.
His confidence evaporated quickly, concern bubbling up, and he stammered out with some haste, "Just--sharing data. You don't-- I'm not-- I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything, just thinking out loud."
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav was grateful he opened his eyes in time to see Nick looking around.
Afterward, Nick drew in a breath erratically and said, "Witnesses are the knife, right now." Rav could not help the way his chest and eyebrows rose in response, his body quicker to catch on than his mind.
And then, when his thoughts had properly caught up, Rav realized that the theoretical knife was not just a risk factor--it was also a safety mechanism. It was one more barrier to Rav doing something rash without permission.
Rav's mind felt sluggish from all the sensations in his body, but he still clocked Nick's not-so-subtle glance toward the building ahead that looked very much like a set of public restrooms.
"Just--sharing data. You don't-- I'm not-- I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything, just thinking out loud."
Rav exhaled slowly again, trying to calm himself down enough to think. Did he want to move the proverbial knife out of the way? Very, very much. But also... had they gone slowly enough? Was this too much of an escalation too soon?
It's not as though someone couldn't hear Nick scream, some part of Rav's mind said, trying to egg him on.
But do I trust Nick to scream? Rav asked himself. He did not answer himself because why was he considering such an outcome at all? He shook his head. But then he looked at Nick with a panicked feeling in his stomach, not wanting Nick to take the gesture as a sign that Rav wasn't interested.
"Park bathrooms are always locked," Rav said quickly but casually, knowing immediately that the superlative made what he said untrue. But, at the very least, he was buying himself some time. "But we could see, just in case."
Afterward, Nick drew in a breath erratically and said, "Witnesses are the knife, right now." Rav could not help the way his chest and eyebrows rose in response, his body quicker to catch on than his mind.
And then, when his thoughts had properly caught up, Rav realized that the theoretical knife was not just a risk factor--it was also a safety mechanism. It was one more barrier to Rav doing something rash without permission.
Rav's mind felt sluggish from all the sensations in his body, but he still clocked Nick's not-so-subtle glance toward the building ahead that looked very much like a set of public restrooms.
"Just--sharing data. You don't-- I'm not-- I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything, just thinking out loud."
Rav exhaled slowly again, trying to calm himself down enough to think. Did he want to move the proverbial knife out of the way? Very, very much. But also... had they gone slowly enough? Was this too much of an escalation too soon?
It's not as though someone couldn't hear Nick scream, some part of Rav's mind said, trying to egg him on.
But do I trust Nick to scream? Rav asked himself. He did not answer himself because why was he considering such an outcome at all? He shook his head. But then he looked at Nick with a panicked feeling in his stomach, not wanting Nick to take the gesture as a sign that Rav wasn't interested.
"Park bathrooms are always locked," Rav said quickly but casually, knowing immediately that the superlative made what he said untrue. But, at the very least, he was buying himself some time. "But we could see, just in case."
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav exhaled slowly, and Nick found that he was starting to rather enjoy when the man did that. It sent a subtle tingle up his forearms, anticipation twinkling in his awareness as he wondered what Rav was thinking. He felt a little bit embarassed about his stammering, though, worry mixing with the anticipation to make him feel a little jittery, though he was hopeful it was mostly an internal sensation.
Then Rav shook his head, and Nick's brows fully drew together with worry, his stomach tightening, apparently afraid of whatever conclusion the man may have just reached.
"Park bathrooms are always locked." Rav said, and Nick nodded, if a bit sadly, quick to acquiesce to Rav's assersion. Perhaps it was Rav's way of relieving the pressure on himself, and Nick certainly didn't want to counteract that. But then, much to his surprise, Rav added, "But we could see, just in case."
Nick's eyebrows rose, tentative in his understanding of what Rav was saying. Slowly but surely his smile bloomed again, though, crooked in its tell-tale way, and then at last he surprised himself with a giggle. He looked away bashfully, but then gave Rav another coy sidelong smile as he picked up his pace, nodding gently at the building to affirm his intention.
Then Rav shook his head, and Nick's brows fully drew together with worry, his stomach tightening, apparently afraid of whatever conclusion the man may have just reached.
"Park bathrooms are always locked." Rav said, and Nick nodded, if a bit sadly, quick to acquiesce to Rav's assersion. Perhaps it was Rav's way of relieving the pressure on himself, and Nick certainly didn't want to counteract that. But then, much to his surprise, Rav added, "But we could see, just in case."
Nick's eyebrows rose, tentative in his understanding of what Rav was saying. Slowly but surely his smile bloomed again, though, crooked in its tell-tale way, and then at last he surprised himself with a giggle. He looked away bashfully, but then gave Rav another coy sidelong smile as he picked up his pace, nodding gently at the building to affirm his intention.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
As Rav looked at Nick and saw his eyebrows raise, his own smile drew toward a crooked grin as a shiver threatened through the whole of his back. Gods, whatever waited around the corner for them both felt delicious and terrifying and wonderful. And as much as Rav was nervous, he also felt ready. If the bathrooms really were unlocked, then he would take it a sign from the gods to continue. If he believed in gods, that was. Always up for debate.
Nick was definitely walking faster now, and he even let out a giggle. Nick was ready, too. There was a type of permission building here--Rav could tell--and if he also asked before he did anything and gave Nick plenty of time to check in with himself, maybe it really would be okay. For the first time in a long while, Rav found himself imagining an erotic encounter that actually worked out.
It did not take them long before they reached the bathroom. They looked at each other, and Rav thought Nick might wait for him to try the door, but Nick surprised him by reaching for it himself, slowly, all the while making eye contact. The anticipation almost made Rav laugh, but he simply smiled and raised his eyebrows instead, waiting for the answer as though Nick was about to flip over the final playing card in the hand. Had his haphazard bet paid off?
The door opened, and Rav exhaled slowly again, his eagerness jumping quickly into his throat. Rich ass neighborhood, Rav thought, but he was grinning ear to ear, and he nodded when Nick raised his eyebrows as though to ask, should we go in, then?
"After you," Rav said, still grinning like an idiot. Yep. Park bathroom. Grungy enough to be exactly his style.
Nick was definitely walking faster now, and he even let out a giggle. Nick was ready, too. There was a type of permission building here--Rav could tell--and if he also asked before he did anything and gave Nick plenty of time to check in with himself, maybe it really would be okay. For the first time in a long while, Rav found himself imagining an erotic encounter that actually worked out.
It did not take them long before they reached the bathroom. They looked at each other, and Rav thought Nick might wait for him to try the door, but Nick surprised him by reaching for it himself, slowly, all the while making eye contact. The anticipation almost made Rav laugh, but he simply smiled and raised his eyebrows instead, waiting for the answer as though Nick was about to flip over the final playing card in the hand. Had his haphazard bet paid off?
The door opened, and Rav exhaled slowly again, his eagerness jumping quickly into his throat. Rich ass neighborhood, Rav thought, but he was grinning ear to ear, and he nodded when Nick raised his eyebrows as though to ask, should we go in, then?
"After you," Rav said, still grinning like an idiot. Yep. Park bathroom. Grungy enough to be exactly his style.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Hot swirling tingles of anticipation danced within Nick as he and Rav approached the restroom together, a buzzy heaviness building between them. Was Nick really going to hook up with someone in a park bathroom? He kind of wanted to--it seemed like a threshold he would enjoy being on the other side of--but he also replayed the memory of Rav's voice saying, Slowwwwwww. Nick decided that, if the door was indeed unlocked, then even if all they did was enter the restroom together, that was enough. He wanted to set down the proverbial knife, if he could, and just see what happened from there.
He met Rav's eyes a bit breathlessly as they both stopped in front of the door together. There was an impulse to let Rav open the door--some lingering anxiety that Nick was pushing the man, maybe, but then it crossed his mind that perhaps the best way to ensure he didn't accidentally pressure Rav to act, was to be brave and act himself, when he genuinely wanted to. So, keeping his gaze locked with Rav's, Nick slowly reached toward the door handle, watching Rav's expression all the while for any sign that he didn't actually want to find out whether or not the door was locked. Rav just smiled and raised his eyebrows, a twinkle of laughter in his eyes, and Nick finally took the leap of faith and turned the handle.
It turned, and Nick's breath escaped him as he felt the door move open slightly under the subtle pressure he'd applied. He looked briefly to the door as through to confirm what he'd felt--yep, definitely unlocked--and then looked back to Rav. He felt a bit paralyzed in that moment, realizing that, while he'd been prepared to be the one to discover whether the door was unlocked, it was another thing altogether to lead the way into the bathroom.
"After you," Rav said, and a flash of excitement rushed through Nick so intense it turned to vertigo, but only for a moment. Nick gripped the door handle tightly, blinking at Rav while his vision returned to normal. He felt embarassed by his paralysis; he wanted to go inside, to see what Rav would do--could imagine many very exciting possibilities--but fear tugged at him just enough to keep him rooted. Nick wished it was just a thing to ride out, but it wasn't going away, though it was subtle. Easy enough to just step over, if he wasn't watching where he was going as closely as he was.
Nick closed his eyes and let out a long exhale, his fingers releasing the door handle. He felt a different flash of fear, then--that Rav would read too much into his hesitance, that he'd get cold feet on this whole thing. Nick wanted to reassure the man, but he knew he needed to check in on himself, first, even though it was hard. Rav could ask him a question if he really needed to. Selfishly, Nick hoped Rav would be okay to just wait, at least for a few more breaths.
What was Nick's fear trying to tell him? That this was a threshold they would be stepping over; and that, no matter how much Nick had been enjoying his interactions with Rav so far, he couldn't know what Rav would be like on the other side. Even back at the house, Nick's roommates might have returned at any moment. He supposed that someone might walk into the bathroom at any moment, too, which made him feel a little better, but anxiety still buzzed within him. It brought his attention back to the heavy buzz between him and Rav, and the growing temptation to speed up--the fantasies pulling at Nick's attention, wanting him to just let himself be swept away. Leaning on the breaks was already kind of tiring, wasn't it?
Sighing, Nick opened his eyes and looked to Rav, not able to help the apologetic note in his expression. He hated making people wait, or letting them down. He'd already done the former, and fear swirled in his stomach that he might be about to do the latter, too. He drew in a breath to speak, but it caught in his throat--he'd been about to open with reassurance, he realized. It was genuine, but might set him on a bad path. He closed his eyes again and shook his head, but found his way to a more relaxed smile as he settled on what he actually wanted to say.
"This is a big threshold for me, I'm realizing," he said, returning his gaze to Rav with a soft hopefulness. "Thanks for your patience while I looked at it a while." Something in his chest relaxed at that, his smile growing a little warmer. It felt good to open that way, which was a huge relief. "When we go inside..." His eyebrow quirked a little, his grin curling with a brief twinkle like, yes, you heard that right. "... Will you still say what what you want to do, before you do it?"
An apologetic note still flinched back into his brow, but he maintained a warm and hopeful smile, even as a fresh boil of nervousness began to swirl in his stomach.
He met Rav's eyes a bit breathlessly as they both stopped in front of the door together. There was an impulse to let Rav open the door--some lingering anxiety that Nick was pushing the man, maybe, but then it crossed his mind that perhaps the best way to ensure he didn't accidentally pressure Rav to act, was to be brave and act himself, when he genuinely wanted to. So, keeping his gaze locked with Rav's, Nick slowly reached toward the door handle, watching Rav's expression all the while for any sign that he didn't actually want to find out whether or not the door was locked. Rav just smiled and raised his eyebrows, a twinkle of laughter in his eyes, and Nick finally took the leap of faith and turned the handle.
It turned, and Nick's breath escaped him as he felt the door move open slightly under the subtle pressure he'd applied. He looked briefly to the door as through to confirm what he'd felt--yep, definitely unlocked--and then looked back to Rav. He felt a bit paralyzed in that moment, realizing that, while he'd been prepared to be the one to discover whether the door was unlocked, it was another thing altogether to lead the way into the bathroom.
"After you," Rav said, and a flash of excitement rushed through Nick so intense it turned to vertigo, but only for a moment. Nick gripped the door handle tightly, blinking at Rav while his vision returned to normal. He felt embarassed by his paralysis; he wanted to go inside, to see what Rav would do--could imagine many very exciting possibilities--but fear tugged at him just enough to keep him rooted. Nick wished it was just a thing to ride out, but it wasn't going away, though it was subtle. Easy enough to just step over, if he wasn't watching where he was going as closely as he was.
Nick closed his eyes and let out a long exhale, his fingers releasing the door handle. He felt a different flash of fear, then--that Rav would read too much into his hesitance, that he'd get cold feet on this whole thing. Nick wanted to reassure the man, but he knew he needed to check in on himself, first, even though it was hard. Rav could ask him a question if he really needed to. Selfishly, Nick hoped Rav would be okay to just wait, at least for a few more breaths.
What was Nick's fear trying to tell him? That this was a threshold they would be stepping over; and that, no matter how much Nick had been enjoying his interactions with Rav so far, he couldn't know what Rav would be like on the other side. Even back at the house, Nick's roommates might have returned at any moment. He supposed that someone might walk into the bathroom at any moment, too, which made him feel a little better, but anxiety still buzzed within him. It brought his attention back to the heavy buzz between him and Rav, and the growing temptation to speed up--the fantasies pulling at Nick's attention, wanting him to just let himself be swept away. Leaning on the breaks was already kind of tiring, wasn't it?
Sighing, Nick opened his eyes and looked to Rav, not able to help the apologetic note in his expression. He hated making people wait, or letting them down. He'd already done the former, and fear swirled in his stomach that he might be about to do the latter, too. He drew in a breath to speak, but it caught in his throat--he'd been about to open with reassurance, he realized. It was genuine, but might set him on a bad path. He closed his eyes again and shook his head, but found his way to a more relaxed smile as he settled on what he actually wanted to say.
"This is a big threshold for me, I'm realizing," he said, returning his gaze to Rav with a soft hopefulness. "Thanks for your patience while I looked at it a while." Something in his chest relaxed at that, his smile growing a little warmer. It felt good to open that way, which was a huge relief. "When we go inside..." His eyebrow quirked a little, his grin curling with a brief twinkle like, yes, you heard that right. "... Will you still say what what you want to do, before you do it?"
An apologetic note still flinched back into his brow, but he maintained a warm and hopeful smile, even as a fresh boil of nervousness began to swirl in his stomach.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
The anticipation of seeing if the door was unlocked had kept Rav's thoughts about what to do next at bay, at least until Nick hesitated, his fingers still on the door handle. And then, the anxiety crashed in.
What the fuck did you think was going to happen? came a voice in Rav's head, finally managing to break whatever excited haze had silenced his logical mind. You thought he would just go into a park bathroom with you after what you told him about you?
Rav tried to explain to his own mind that Nick had been the one to suggest it, but he started to doubt himself. Nick had certainly looked at the bathrooms, but there had been no explicit conversation about what would happen there--just weird knife euphemisms. Maybe Rav had gotten all the signals mixed up and pressured Nick already into being here on whatever this insane threshold was. The thought made Rav sick to his stomach. He was about to tell Nick they should just keep walking when Nick closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, his fingers releasing the door handle. Great, cool. Nick's coming to the same conclusion. Rav felt terrified that they had gotten as close as they had to whatever this cliff was, and so fast, too. Idiot, Rav thought to himself.
But Nick wasn't moving. He was just kinda... standing there. Probably checking in with himself, which Rav supposed was a good thing. But, why couldn't Nick see immediately that this was a terrible idea? The fact that Nick was rooted in place made it difficult for Rav to move. He certainly didn't want to interrupt Nick, but what was he supposed to do in the meantime?
Check in with myself, maybe? Setting aside whether or not they actually went into the bathroom or not, what would Rav do if they did? Kissing behind Nick's ear quickly came to mind as relatively safe territory, given what they had discussed. From there... let things happen? What things? Rav asked himself, be specific. Something inside of him squirmed trying to think about it. He had kept so much of what he wanted off the table for so long--outside of the very specific context he had with Hannah--that his mind had a difficult time letting him think about it.
Okay, so, kissing behind Nick's ear. Yes. And then...?
He imagined stroking his hands down either side of Nick's torso, following down to his hips, maybe even reaching to feel Nick's ass over his jeans. But, he quickly pulled himself out of the fantasy, afraid of getting too excited and being disappointed because there was no way in hell Nick was going to go into a park bathroom with him.
Nick finally looked at Rav, apology in his brow, and Rav again felt sick to his stomach, confused at why Nick should be the one to feel sorry. Rav was the risk factor here. But, then again, Rav had the feeling that Nick would be just as careful with anyone he was interested in, given his own history of moving too quickly.
Closing his eyes again, Nick shook his head, and Rav recognized the stuck feeling in Nick's throat. Gods, was it always that obvious from the outside? Rav wondered.
"This is a big threshold for me, I'm realizing," Nick said, lifting his eyebrows as he looked at Rav, "Thanks for your patience while I looked at it a while." Yeah, that's a no, Rav thought, taking a step away from the bathroom as he nodded at Nick.
"When we go inside..." Nick said, and Rav turned right back around to look at Nick, eyes wide open with shock now, a cascade of lightning erupting in Rav's stomach at the sight of Nick's smile, "...will you still say what you want to do, before you do it?"
Rav was dumbfounded, his mouth open slightly as he tried to pivot back to what was suddenly still on the table.
Could Rav agree to that? Did he trust himself to agree to that?
"Y-e-sss," Rav said very, very slowly, his eyebrows raised. He wondered if he should try to talk Nick out of it or maybe ask Nick if he was sure? But, what more did Rav want Nick to do? Clearly Nick had already stopped himself to think about it. Any more prompting toward doubt would just be Rav's fear response trying to talk them both out of it. "Yes," Rav said more confidently, nodding, but he still wanted to give Nick another way to opt out. Maybe suggest that only Nick should act? Ah, but then maybe Nick would get bored. Maybe he wanted Rav to act. And, besides, that felt like another cop out. Another crutch.
Before he could doubt himself anymore, Rav said, "I would like to go into the bathroom with you."
What the fuck did you think was going to happen? came a voice in Rav's head, finally managing to break whatever excited haze had silenced his logical mind. You thought he would just go into a park bathroom with you after what you told him about you?
Rav tried to explain to his own mind that Nick had been the one to suggest it, but he started to doubt himself. Nick had certainly looked at the bathrooms, but there had been no explicit conversation about what would happen there--just weird knife euphemisms. Maybe Rav had gotten all the signals mixed up and pressured Nick already into being here on whatever this insane threshold was. The thought made Rav sick to his stomach. He was about to tell Nick they should just keep walking when Nick closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, his fingers releasing the door handle. Great, cool. Nick's coming to the same conclusion. Rav felt terrified that they had gotten as close as they had to whatever this cliff was, and so fast, too. Idiot, Rav thought to himself.
But Nick wasn't moving. He was just kinda... standing there. Probably checking in with himself, which Rav supposed was a good thing. But, why couldn't Nick see immediately that this was a terrible idea? The fact that Nick was rooted in place made it difficult for Rav to move. He certainly didn't want to interrupt Nick, but what was he supposed to do in the meantime?
Check in with myself, maybe? Setting aside whether or not they actually went into the bathroom or not, what would Rav do if they did? Kissing behind Nick's ear quickly came to mind as relatively safe territory, given what they had discussed. From there... let things happen? What things? Rav asked himself, be specific. Something inside of him squirmed trying to think about it. He had kept so much of what he wanted off the table for so long--outside of the very specific context he had with Hannah--that his mind had a difficult time letting him think about it.
Okay, so, kissing behind Nick's ear. Yes. And then...?
He imagined stroking his hands down either side of Nick's torso, following down to his hips, maybe even reaching to feel Nick's ass over his jeans. But, he quickly pulled himself out of the fantasy, afraid of getting too excited and being disappointed because there was no way in hell Nick was going to go into a park bathroom with him.
Nick finally looked at Rav, apology in his brow, and Rav again felt sick to his stomach, confused at why Nick should be the one to feel sorry. Rav was the risk factor here. But, then again, Rav had the feeling that Nick would be just as careful with anyone he was interested in, given his own history of moving too quickly.
Closing his eyes again, Nick shook his head, and Rav recognized the stuck feeling in Nick's throat. Gods, was it always that obvious from the outside? Rav wondered.
"This is a big threshold for me, I'm realizing," Nick said, lifting his eyebrows as he looked at Rav, "Thanks for your patience while I looked at it a while." Yeah, that's a no, Rav thought, taking a step away from the bathroom as he nodded at Nick.
"When we go inside..." Nick said, and Rav turned right back around to look at Nick, eyes wide open with shock now, a cascade of lightning erupting in Rav's stomach at the sight of Nick's smile, "...will you still say what you want to do, before you do it?"
Rav was dumbfounded, his mouth open slightly as he tried to pivot back to what was suddenly still on the table.
Could Rav agree to that? Did he trust himself to agree to that?
"Y-e-sss," Rav said very, very slowly, his eyebrows raised. He wondered if he should try to talk Nick out of it or maybe ask Nick if he was sure? But, what more did Rav want Nick to do? Clearly Nick had already stopped himself to think about it. Any more prompting toward doubt would just be Rav's fear response trying to talk them both out of it. "Yes," Rav said more confidently, nodding, but he still wanted to give Nick another way to opt out. Maybe suggest that only Nick should act? Ah, but then maybe Nick would get bored. Maybe he wanted Rav to act. And, besides, that felt like another cop out. Another crutch.
Before he could doubt himself anymore, Rav said, "I would like to go into the bathroom with you."
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
"Y-e-sss," Rav said slowly. Nick swallowed, a subtle droop of sadness dipping into his eyes. He didn't trust that yes--there was hesitance that Rav had and would need to reckon with. Maybe, when it came down to it, Rav himself wasn't ready to cross this threshold with Nick? Not with Nick needing to go as slow as he did, maybe. Nick felt the temptation close in to feel bad about how slow he needed to go, but thankfully he was able to release that impulse with an exhale, feeling back into the warm relief in his chest that he felt really good about what he had ultimately said. That alone was precious, honestly, even if he and Rav had to back down from here.
But then, Rav said again, "Yes," this time simple and confident, giving Nick some hope back. He still felt rooted to the spot, though, still waiting for something else from Rav, though he wasn't quite sure exactly what--at least not until Rav gave it:
"I would like to go into the bathroom with you."
At that, Nick's smile brightened considerably, and the impulse to giggle rose in him, but he let it out in a silent breath instead, not wanting to risk Rav feeling made light of. He nodded, then, and reached again for the door handle, taking in a deep breath as his fingers grasped around it. Slowly but with a determined steadiness, Nick turned the handle, pushed the door open, and stepped inside. Then, just as smoothly, he pivoted around to face Rav, switching his other hand to holding open the door to facilitate a slight, playful bow, newly-free hand gesturing to the side to invite Rav in.
But then, Rav said again, "Yes," this time simple and confident, giving Nick some hope back. He still felt rooted to the spot, though, still waiting for something else from Rav, though he wasn't quite sure exactly what--at least not until Rav gave it:
"I would like to go into the bathroom with you."
At that, Nick's smile brightened considerably, and the impulse to giggle rose in him, but he let it out in a silent breath instead, not wanting to risk Rav feeling made light of. He nodded, then, and reached again for the door handle, taking in a deep breath as his fingers grasped around it. Slowly but with a determined steadiness, Nick turned the handle, pushed the door open, and stepped inside. Then, just as smoothly, he pivoted around to face Rav, switching his other hand to holding open the door to facilitate a slight, playful bow, newly-free hand gesturing to the side to invite Rav in.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
If Rav hadn't been sure about Nick wanting to do this before, Nick's bright smile at Rav's statement certainly tipped the scales. It still felt absurd, to go into a bathroom to have intimate contact with Nick when they had only just left the privacy of Nick's house, but maybe Nick had needed some space first. Whatever the reason, Rav decided to stop second-guessing himself as Nick confidently opened the door, stepped inside, and kept it open for Rav with a gesture and a slight bow to invite him in.
Absurd, Rav thought again, but he was smiling and did, in fact, step inside.
Rav's first inclination was to confirm that there was no one else in the bathroom already. Visually inspecting each of the stall doors, he could see they were all open, so when the door closed behind them both, Rav felt sufficiently sure they were alone.
Now, though, Rav felt paralyzed, and he realized immediately that he should have gotten more clarity from Nick about what qualified as something he wanted to do. Should he ask Nick before he took another step, for instance? But surely Nick would find that facetious, and Rav did not, in any way, want Nick to feel like he was making light of the request. Instead, Rav considered that maybe what Nick had really meant was that Rav should ask about anything he wanted to do to Nick, and the thought made him feel better.
Those assumptions are a slippery slope, an unhelpful voice said in his mind, but Rav shook it off, deciding that, at least for right now, the modification should hold.
Momentarily, on account of how they had entered, Rav had let Nick stand behind him. Rav turned to look hungrily at Nick with heavy eyelids and a lust-filled gaze now that they no longer had an audience. Rav said in a low voice, eyes only barely able to meet Nick's, "I want to pin you against the door."
Absurd, Rav thought again, but he was smiling and did, in fact, step inside.
Rav's first inclination was to confirm that there was no one else in the bathroom already. Visually inspecting each of the stall doors, he could see they were all open, so when the door closed behind them both, Rav felt sufficiently sure they were alone.
Now, though, Rav felt paralyzed, and he realized immediately that he should have gotten more clarity from Nick about what qualified as something he wanted to do. Should he ask Nick before he took another step, for instance? But surely Nick would find that facetious, and Rav did not, in any way, want Nick to feel like he was making light of the request. Instead, Rav considered that maybe what Nick had really meant was that Rav should ask about anything he wanted to do to Nick, and the thought made him feel better.
Those assumptions are a slippery slope, an unhelpful voice said in his mind, but Rav shook it off, deciding that, at least for right now, the modification should hold.
Momentarily, on account of how they had entered, Rav had let Nick stand behind him. Rav turned to look hungrily at Nick with heavy eyelids and a lust-filled gaze now that they no longer had an audience. Rav said in a low voice, eyes only barely able to meet Nick's, "I want to pin you against the door."
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav stepped inside the bathroom with a smile, and Nick let go of the door, his heart thumping loudly in his ears as he watched his companion assess the bathroom stalls. He will say what he wants before actually doing it, Nick assured himself when a bloom of fear rose, and he exhaled long and deep, relieved that that seemed successful, his heartbeat calming just subtly.
When Rav turned around, his expression was indeed new, and it sent a thrill through Nick's gut, his breath hitching quietly. When Rav spoke it was in a low voice, his eyelids heavy with lust.
"I want to pin you against the door."
Nick tilted his head up in the start of an instinctive, tiny nod, but he swallowed, stilling himself and growing a little stiff. Yes, yes he liked the sound of being pinned against the door, but then what? He could imagine things he would enjoy, for certain, but he also felt that same feeling rising as just moments before, that fear of getting swept up and going too fast and disregarding something. Forgetting whatever proverbial knives he may still be holding, maybe. Of course it wasn't just witnesses. So, what was he afraid of now? What else could he set down?
He kept his eyes on Rav this time as he thought, his breath heavy as he took in the sight of that hungry expression. He did find it exciting, and also frightening. He will say what he wants before actually doing it, Nick tried to assure himself again--after all, Rav was not yet pinning him against the door, wasn't that proof enough?--but this time a voice answered back, What if he doesn't, though? Nick swallowed again, his heartbeat growing louder in his ears. Was he already being stupid, being alone in a park bathroom with a man who had, in some perspectives, tried to warn him away? But, no, he held on to the warm, happy confidence in his chest he had felt before coming into the bathroom, and decided that he simply didn't want to believe that following that feeling was foolish. Instead, he decided to chase it again, and with that resolve came the confidence to speak.
"I like the thought of that. A lot." His voice was a warm whisper, nearly caressing the words. "But I feel scared. If... if you pinned me, and then did something else without saying first, I'm not sure I'd be able to call you on it." His voice grew unsteady with sadness as he spoke, his eyebrows beginning to form an apology. That wasn't the direction he wanted to go, though. He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to clear something out with a sigh. When he returned his eyes to Rav, they were earnest, still a little bit sad but trying to hold onto hope.
"How are you faring?" he asked, mustering a crooked smile.
When Rav turned around, his expression was indeed new, and it sent a thrill through Nick's gut, his breath hitching quietly. When Rav spoke it was in a low voice, his eyelids heavy with lust.
"I want to pin you against the door."
Nick tilted his head up in the start of an instinctive, tiny nod, but he swallowed, stilling himself and growing a little stiff. Yes, yes he liked the sound of being pinned against the door, but then what? He could imagine things he would enjoy, for certain, but he also felt that same feeling rising as just moments before, that fear of getting swept up and going too fast and disregarding something. Forgetting whatever proverbial knives he may still be holding, maybe. Of course it wasn't just witnesses. So, what was he afraid of now? What else could he set down?
He kept his eyes on Rav this time as he thought, his breath heavy as he took in the sight of that hungry expression. He did find it exciting, and also frightening. He will say what he wants before actually doing it, Nick tried to assure himself again--after all, Rav was not yet pinning him against the door, wasn't that proof enough?--but this time a voice answered back, What if he doesn't, though? Nick swallowed again, his heartbeat growing louder in his ears. Was he already being stupid, being alone in a park bathroom with a man who had, in some perspectives, tried to warn him away? But, no, he held on to the warm, happy confidence in his chest he had felt before coming into the bathroom, and decided that he simply didn't want to believe that following that feeling was foolish. Instead, he decided to chase it again, and with that resolve came the confidence to speak.
"I like the thought of that. A lot." His voice was a warm whisper, nearly caressing the words. "But I feel scared. If... if you pinned me, and then did something else without saying first, I'm not sure I'd be able to call you on it." His voice grew unsteady with sadness as he spoke, his eyebrows beginning to form an apology. That wasn't the direction he wanted to go, though. He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to clear something out with a sigh. When he returned his eyes to Rav, they were earnest, still a little bit sad but trying to hold onto hope.
"How are you faring?" he asked, mustering a crooked smile.