Nick's smile looked like it might run off his face again in the low light, making Rav realize that it was getting darker. It wasn't far back to Nick's place, but what if Nick changed his mind and decided it was too late for Rav to stay? A new wave of smaller, sharper butterflies took shape in Rav's stomach.
"Yeah, I guess I've... messed around, basically. With boys. I have..." Nick swayed, and Rav felt that intense curiosity surge in him again. He wanted every detail. "Well, there have a been a couple girls."
A silence settled between them, and Nick squeezed Rav's hand, leaning on Rav's shoulder. Rav liked the feeling and felt in no hurry to break the silence. But, after they had walked for a while that way, contented in each other's company, Rav asked, "Theoretically, would you enjoy telling me what messing around was like for you some time?"
Rav felt a new wave of nerves hit him as soon as he got the words out. Wasn't he supposed to feel... jealous about previous partners of Nick's? But, he didn't, or at least, this was not at all what Rav thought jealousy would feel like. It was exciting him. Would Nick see that and find that strange? Rav didn't know. But, he thought, if nothing else, this line of questioning might eventually create an avenue for Rav to talk to Nick about Hannah.
Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
There was silence for a surprisingly pleasant stretch of time. It was difficult to trust, at moments, but Nick just kept regrounding himself in the feel of Rav's hand in his, in their arms pressing warmly against one another as they walked.
Then, Rav asked, "Theoretically, would you enjoy telling me what messing around was like for you some time?"
Nick let out another one of his soft, breathy giggles. It was tempting to exclaim Yes! right away, emphatically, give Rav all the encouragement in the world to prompt Nick that direction. But, that would be rushing. So instead, he breathed out long and slow, exhaling the impulse and allowing there to be space as he contemplated--truly contemplated--what it might be like to share about that with Rav.
It definitely seemed good to talk about what 'messing around' was like--might shed some light on what they each meant by the phrase. Nick would want to ask Rav questions, too. There was a nervousness, though, which took another breath to track down--Nick was surprised that Rav focused on the 'messing around', and, revisiting his wording, Nick wondered with a fresh fluster whether he'd been confusing in what he'd said about boys and girls. A new urgency arose to try to clarify what he'd meant, but it got stuck behind embarrassment, which at least gave him another moment to swallow and then breathe out once more, and spend that moment reassuring himself that he didn't have to explain everything perfectly at every moment. They would iron out their understandings of each other over time.
Finally, Nick turned up a playful smile, nervous but crooked with a sort of determined glint as he met Rav's eyes, having finally decided on his reply.
"I'd enjoy swapping stories."
Then, Rav asked, "Theoretically, would you enjoy telling me what messing around was like for you some time?"
Nick let out another one of his soft, breathy giggles. It was tempting to exclaim Yes! right away, emphatically, give Rav all the encouragement in the world to prompt Nick that direction. But, that would be rushing. So instead, he breathed out long and slow, exhaling the impulse and allowing there to be space as he contemplated--truly contemplated--what it might be like to share about that with Rav.
It definitely seemed good to talk about what 'messing around' was like--might shed some light on what they each meant by the phrase. Nick would want to ask Rav questions, too. There was a nervousness, though, which took another breath to track down--Nick was surprised that Rav focused on the 'messing around', and, revisiting his wording, Nick wondered with a fresh fluster whether he'd been confusing in what he'd said about boys and girls. A new urgency arose to try to clarify what he'd meant, but it got stuck behind embarrassment, which at least gave him another moment to swallow and then breathe out once more, and spend that moment reassuring himself that he didn't have to explain everything perfectly at every moment. They would iron out their understandings of each other over time.
Finally, Nick turned up a playful smile, nervous but crooked with a sort of determined glint as he met Rav's eyes, having finally decided on his reply.
"I'd enjoy swapping stories."
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick exhaled with a giggle, causing Rav's stomach to flip over. He found that he expected a quick answer from Nick, and when he didn't respond, Rav looked over curiously, trying to leave space for whatever checking in Nick felt he needed.
As Nick slowed his breathing, Rav returned his attention to the path ahead, lined with fencing. Once upon a time, it had been an enjoyable game--pressing someone up against the fence and using the chainlink to pull himself toward them, pinning them. That was back in high school, long before...
But Rav clearly still had the impulse. After all, he had asked for permission to pin Nick in the bathroom. It seemed like there would be a long road between there and here, however, and Rav was just going to need to be patient.
Nick made a quiet, breathy sound that cued Rav to bring his attention back, and he was rewarded with a playful, determined smile from Nick. Just what did Nick have in mind over there?
"I'd enjoy swapping stories," he said, and Rav chuckled, feeling just a little like a lion let loose in a cage of antelope. No murders today, Rav thought sardonically.
Instead of saying anything, Rav just nodded for a moment, and Nick's house naturally became closer and closer.
Rav had the inclination to wait until they arrived, to seek some other conversational topic until they actually got to Nick's house. But, then Rav thought it could be fun talking around what he wasn't prepared to say aloud on the street. Granted, he couldn't do some of the other things he had imagined doing while swapping stories, but Rav also wasn't sure that was within their agreement. Trying to distract Nick while he was telling a story? That seemed like a phase two thing, or maybe even three.
Rav swallowed, trying not to let himself feel anxious or plan too far ahead.
"I was on the baseball team, for a little while. In high school," Rav said, a mischievous glint in his eye indicating that there was a reason he was bringing up this piece of information now.
As Nick slowed his breathing, Rav returned his attention to the path ahead, lined with fencing. Once upon a time, it had been an enjoyable game--pressing someone up against the fence and using the chainlink to pull himself toward them, pinning them. That was back in high school, long before...
But Rav clearly still had the impulse. After all, he had asked for permission to pin Nick in the bathroom. It seemed like there would be a long road between there and here, however, and Rav was just going to need to be patient.
Nick made a quiet, breathy sound that cued Rav to bring his attention back, and he was rewarded with a playful, determined smile from Nick. Just what did Nick have in mind over there?
"I'd enjoy swapping stories," he said, and Rav chuckled, feeling just a little like a lion let loose in a cage of antelope. No murders today, Rav thought sardonically.
Instead of saying anything, Rav just nodded for a moment, and Nick's house naturally became closer and closer.
Rav had the inclination to wait until they arrived, to seek some other conversational topic until they actually got to Nick's house. But, then Rav thought it could be fun talking around what he wasn't prepared to say aloud on the street. Granted, he couldn't do some of the other things he had imagined doing while swapping stories, but Rav also wasn't sure that was within their agreement. Trying to distract Nick while he was telling a story? That seemed like a phase two thing, or maybe even three.
Rav swallowed, trying not to let himself feel anxious or plan too far ahead.
"I was on the baseball team, for a little while. In high school," Rav said, a mischievous glint in his eye indicating that there was a reason he was bringing up this piece of information now.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav chuckled, sending thrill swirling through Nick's stomach. Nick swallowed, but kept up his determined grin... at least for a moment.
In the end, Rav just nodded, and the intensity of their gazes drifted. They walked forward in silence, the air growing heavy with anticipation as they drew ever closer to Nick's house. Was Rav waiting to continue the conversation until they were in private? Did he want to dive right in, then? Nick was also feeling eager, but he wasn't sure he could stand just waiting. A small, brief vertigo jolted through him, like the first drop of a roller coaster.
"I was on the baseball team, for a little while. In high school," Rav finally said, and Nick couldn't help a soft, excited, interested hum as he fixed his gaze on Rav again, eager to hear more. Rav's grin was mischievous, his eyes glinting with a playful allure.
When Rav didn't go on, another small jolt of vertigo passed through Nick, and he squeezed Rav's hand tight as his mind offered up pieces of possibilities--locker rooms, dug-outs, bleachers, wide-open fields; bats, gloves, jerseys and pants dusted from diving for a base or the ball; practices, skirmishes, big games, 'What're you doing after...?'
"Sounds fun," Nick said, breathless with anticipation.
In the end, Rav just nodded, and the intensity of their gazes drifted. They walked forward in silence, the air growing heavy with anticipation as they drew ever closer to Nick's house. Was Rav waiting to continue the conversation until they were in private? Did he want to dive right in, then? Nick was also feeling eager, but he wasn't sure he could stand just waiting. A small, brief vertigo jolted through him, like the first drop of a roller coaster.
"I was on the baseball team, for a little while. In high school," Rav finally said, and Nick couldn't help a soft, excited, interested hum as he fixed his gaze on Rav again, eager to hear more. Rav's grin was mischievous, his eyes glinting with a playful allure.
When Rav didn't go on, another small jolt of vertigo passed through Nick, and he squeezed Rav's hand tight as his mind offered up pieces of possibilities--locker rooms, dug-outs, bleachers, wide-open fields; bats, gloves, jerseys and pants dusted from diving for a base or the ball; practices, skirmishes, big games, 'What're you doing after...?'
"Sounds fun," Nick said, breathless with anticipation.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav enjoyed the tempting silence he left between himself and Nick, watching Nick's gears turn as he tried to sort out why Rav was bringing this up now. The sound Nick made--a little hum of interest--would be a treasure of a memory, which Rav knew he would replay later.
Nick squeezed Rav's hand, and Rav took it as a sign that Nick was asking him to stop teasing, stop tempting, give him another piece.
"Sounds fun," Nick said, his voice airy, confirming Rav's suspicions about the direction of Nick's thoughts.
Rav nodded, keeping his smile small and unincriminating.
"Yep," Rav said, annunciating the consonants playfully. "I wasn't ever very good, but I did gain an appreciation for fences." He tried to keep his tone level, nonchalant, even as he gestured to the fence they had only walked halfway past. Afterward, Rav did worry that Nick might feel like Rav was trying to pressure him, but Rav took a breath and trusted that Nick would consider it playful or else they could talk it out again.
And, besides, Rav wasn't about to pin Nick here. Just because there weren't people around at the moment didn't mean they wouldn't see the two of them out their windows. Plus, everyone in neighborhoods like these had cameras these days. No, this was firmly in fantasy territory, but he still wanted to look at the possibility with Nick.
Nick squeezed Rav's hand, and Rav took it as a sign that Nick was asking him to stop teasing, stop tempting, give him another piece.
"Sounds fun," Nick said, his voice airy, confirming Rav's suspicions about the direction of Nick's thoughts.
Rav nodded, keeping his smile small and unincriminating.
"Yep," Rav said, annunciating the consonants playfully. "I wasn't ever very good, but I did gain an appreciation for fences." He tried to keep his tone level, nonchalant, even as he gestured to the fence they had only walked halfway past. Afterward, Rav did worry that Nick might feel like Rav was trying to pressure him, but Rav took a breath and trusted that Nick would consider it playful or else they could talk it out again.
And, besides, Rav wasn't about to pin Nick here. Just because there weren't people around at the moment didn't mean they wouldn't see the two of them out their windows. Plus, everyone in neighborhoods like these had cameras these days. No, this was firmly in fantasy territory, but he still wanted to look at the possibility with Nick.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
"Yep," Rav nodded with playful annunciation, and for a split second Nick worried he planned to leave it at that. Thankfully, he had mercy and added, "I wasn't ever very good, but I did gain an appreciation for fences."
Rav gestured toward the chainlink fence to their left, spanning the block of the schoolyard. Nick's gaze followed the gesture with interest, his eyes wide with uncertainty. Fences hadn't been in his mind's list of possibilities, and for a moment he floundered to make sense of the implication, but soon enough, he landed on a memory from the park bathroom: "I want to pin you against the door."
And then, his mind offered the imagination of Rav pinning him against the fence right here, and it was exciting, and impulsively he squeezed and released Rav's hand a few times in quick succession, just needing to move the energy through somehow.
"Sounds... really fun," Nick said, still breathy, wanting to acknowledge somehow that he was following. "What's... something that you appreciate about them?" He worried it was a bit of a boring question, but he desperately wanted Rav to keep sharing, not to leave Nick stewing in his own imagination for too long.
Rav gestured toward the chainlink fence to their left, spanning the block of the schoolyard. Nick's gaze followed the gesture with interest, his eyes wide with uncertainty. Fences hadn't been in his mind's list of possibilities, and for a moment he floundered to make sense of the implication, but soon enough, he landed on a memory from the park bathroom: "I want to pin you against the door."
And then, his mind offered the imagination of Rav pinning him against the fence right here, and it was exciting, and impulsively he squeezed and released Rav's hand a few times in quick succession, just needing to move the energy through somehow.
"Sounds... really fun," Nick said, still breathy, wanting to acknowledge somehow that he was following. "What's... something that you appreciate about them?" He worried it was a bit of a boring question, but he desperately wanted Rav to keep sharing, not to leave Nick stewing in his own imagination for too long.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick's eyes were wide as he followed Rav's gesture, and before long, Nick was frantically squeezing Rav's hand in quick succession. Maybe Rav had short-circuited Nick's brain.
But before Rav could worry too much about that, Nick said, "Sounds... really fun. What's... something that you appreciate about them?"
Rav chuckled. Nick had understood the directionality of Rav's comments, right? Well, yes, if the hand squeezes and breathless replies were anything to go by. And that meant... Nick was trying to keep him talking and genuinely wanted him to go on.
Maybe this fantasy space was exactly the place where the two of them could find common ground and safety. What was the harm in a story, anyway?
"Mmm," Rav said, nodding and furrowing his brow to make it seem like he was looking for a serious answer and to buy himself a little time. "They actually make phenomenal handholds." He let that stand for a minute, sneaking a quick peek at Nick to see if that had the effect he wanted--Rav hoped to see Nick blush again.
"And..." Rav said with inflection, eager to keep Nick's attention, "they're springy. Good at lessening the impact. You know, if someone were to... run into one or something."
They were almost past the fence now, but its proximity was definitely making Rav excited. He hoped he wasn't laying it on too thick for Nick, but Nick was the one asking questions, after all.
But before Rav could worry too much about that, Nick said, "Sounds... really fun. What's... something that you appreciate about them?"
Rav chuckled. Nick had understood the directionality of Rav's comments, right? Well, yes, if the hand squeezes and breathless replies were anything to go by. And that meant... Nick was trying to keep him talking and genuinely wanted him to go on.
Maybe this fantasy space was exactly the place where the two of them could find common ground and safety. What was the harm in a story, anyway?
"Mmm," Rav said, nodding and furrowing his brow to make it seem like he was looking for a serious answer and to buy himself a little time. "They actually make phenomenal handholds." He let that stand for a minute, sneaking a quick peek at Nick to see if that had the effect he wanted--Rav hoped to see Nick blush again.
"And..." Rav said with inflection, eager to keep Nick's attention, "they're springy. Good at lessening the impact. You know, if someone were to... run into one or something."
They were almost past the fence now, but its proximity was definitely making Rav excited. He hoped he wasn't laying it on too thick for Nick, but Nick was the one asking questions, after all.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
"Mmm," Rav said, nodding and furrowing his brow quite seriously. Nick had the impulse to giggle--surely, Rav was being a bit silly, here?--but, he held it in, patient, uncertain what Rav might genuinely be thinking about. He certainly didn't want to startle away any serious thoughts that Rav was having.
"They actually make phenomenal handholds."
An image flickered into Nick's mind of fingers grasping at the wire of a fence. Nick wiggled his own fingers in Rav's, enjoying taking in more details of the shape of the man's hand. And, a fresh spark of excitement danced up Nick's arms--they were holding hands. It was absurd to still be in awe of that, maybe, but Nick was just giddy about it. Rav eyed him sidelong, and Nick just grinned ear to ear, his eyes flicking away bashfully.
"And..." Rav went on, the inflection in his voice beckoning Nick's gaze back to him with attentiveness. "They're springy. Good at lessening the impact. You know, if someone were to... run into one or something."
Now, that did pull a little breathy giggle from Nick, almost before his mind had quite grokked the implication. And, what was the implication? That Rav not only liked to pin people, but to shove them on the way there? Excitement bubbled in Nick's stomach, though some worry also tugged at him about that big shadow hanging over Rav's head. Rav still hadn't shared much about what had happened, and it was hard to know what would be in proximity to it. But, surely Rav wouldn't be sharing about something in proximity with that in the way he was sharing about this? Nick decided to breathe his worry out. At the end of the day, he was excited by what Rav was sharing, and it wouldn't do either of them any good for Nick to be hypervigilant about their proximity to Rav's baggage.
Still, it was hard to know exactly where Nick wanted to go from here. His worry had dampened his response, some; that couldn't be helped, now. Nick did pull back up the image of the fingers grasping the fence; the thought of being shoved against one, the sound the metal would make as the impact rippled through the links. A brief, delighted shiver went up his back.
Nick wanted to come up with another question to deepen the imagery of the memory--or memories--that Rav was painting, but, they were fast approaching the end of the fence, and the corner where they'd cross the street, back to the final stretch before home.
"Well," Nick said as they stepped up to the corner, "I look forward to thinking about that next time I walk past that fence." Nick grinned crookedly as he gestured with their shared hands back toward the fence behind them.
"They actually make phenomenal handholds."
An image flickered into Nick's mind of fingers grasping at the wire of a fence. Nick wiggled his own fingers in Rav's, enjoying taking in more details of the shape of the man's hand. And, a fresh spark of excitement danced up Nick's arms--they were holding hands. It was absurd to still be in awe of that, maybe, but Nick was just giddy about it. Rav eyed him sidelong, and Nick just grinned ear to ear, his eyes flicking away bashfully.
"And..." Rav went on, the inflection in his voice beckoning Nick's gaze back to him with attentiveness. "They're springy. Good at lessening the impact. You know, if someone were to... run into one or something."
Now, that did pull a little breathy giggle from Nick, almost before his mind had quite grokked the implication. And, what was the implication? That Rav not only liked to pin people, but to shove them on the way there? Excitement bubbled in Nick's stomach, though some worry also tugged at him about that big shadow hanging over Rav's head. Rav still hadn't shared much about what had happened, and it was hard to know what would be in proximity to it. But, surely Rav wouldn't be sharing about something in proximity with that in the way he was sharing about this? Nick decided to breathe his worry out. At the end of the day, he was excited by what Rav was sharing, and it wouldn't do either of them any good for Nick to be hypervigilant about their proximity to Rav's baggage.
Still, it was hard to know exactly where Nick wanted to go from here. His worry had dampened his response, some; that couldn't be helped, now. Nick did pull back up the image of the fingers grasping the fence; the thought of being shoved against one, the sound the metal would make as the impact rippled through the links. A brief, delighted shiver went up his back.
Nick wanted to come up with another question to deepen the imagery of the memory--or memories--that Rav was painting, but, they were fast approaching the end of the fence, and the corner where they'd cross the street, back to the final stretch before home.
"Well," Nick said as they stepped up to the corner, "I look forward to thinking about that next time I walk past that fence." Nick grinned crookedly as he gestured with their shared hands back toward the fence behind them.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick giggled, which pleased Rav--he was glad his storytelling was having the desired effect. And, you know, this whole dating thing, Rav supposed it could be fun, too. Not just terrifying.
But something in Nick's demeanor shifted, and Rav found himself studying Nick's face, trying to get a read on what had happened. Soon, though, Nick closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, and Rav felt a shiver pass up Nick's spine even through their clasped hands. That seemed... good, right? Rav wasn't sure.
"Well," Nick said as they rounded the corner, "I look forward to thinking about that next time I walk past that fence." Nick grinned and gestured to the fence with their entwined hands, which pulled a brief, breathy hum from Rav's throat. But, in the quiet that followed, walking along the street where Nick's house was, a heaviness settled into the air. Rav was a little disappointed that Nick hadn't kept asking questions, and something about the change in Nick's responses made Rav too cautious to continue. He furrowed his brows.
Carefully, aware that they might not have much time left if Nick needed to call it a night, Rav asked, "Would... you be willing to share what... uh... what was it like? Checking in with yourself just then?"
But something in Nick's demeanor shifted, and Rav found himself studying Nick's face, trying to get a read on what had happened. Soon, though, Nick closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, and Rav felt a shiver pass up Nick's spine even through their clasped hands. That seemed... good, right? Rav wasn't sure.
"Well," Nick said as they rounded the corner, "I look forward to thinking about that next time I walk past that fence." Nick grinned and gestured to the fence with their entwined hands, which pulled a brief, breathy hum from Rav's throat. But, in the quiet that followed, walking along the street where Nick's house was, a heaviness settled into the air. Rav was a little disappointed that Nick hadn't kept asking questions, and something about the change in Nick's responses made Rav too cautious to continue. He furrowed his brows.
Carefully, aware that they might not have much time left if Nick needed to call it a night, Rav asked, "Would... you be willing to share what... uh... what was it like? Checking in with yourself just then?"
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav gave a soft but satisfying breathy hum in response to Nick's comment, which warmed Nick's core, but it dissipated as they crossed the street, a fresh heaviness settling over them on this final stretch. Nick began to grow anxious, feeling a familiar pressure to fill the silence between them, especially riled by a sense that it was his turn now, but how would he possibly fit something suitable into the walk that was left?
"Would... " Rav broke the silence first, and Nick snapped his attention back, grateful and curious and nervous all at once. "...you be willing to share what... uh... what was it like? Checking in with yourself just then?"
Nick blinked a few times, feeling utterly, confoundingly blank. Had he checked in with himself? He must have. Could he accurately report what it had been like? He wasn't so sure. He twisted a small frown, his eyes drifting down to the sidewalk, nervousness now quietly buzzing throughout his body. He still held Rav's hand, but this didn't quite feel like the moment to squeeze it for comfort. Instead, Nick took in a big breath and let it out slowly, trying to focus on just checking in with himself now, as a starting point if nothing else.
"Well... just now," Nick started, deciding he felt better sharing what was in the present moment rather than leaving Rav hanging until he could find his way back to the past. "I'm feeling pretty nervous. Like... I don't want to mess something up. Or bore you. Or not hold up my side of the conversation. But..."
Nick came to a stop in front of the stairs up to his house, blinking at them with a mild sense of bafflement, or maybe consternation.
"Well." He gestured with his free hand at the stairs, and gave Rav a brief, small, crooked, nervous, sildelong smile. "We're fast approaching a kind of big transition, I guess, no matter what direction we end up going. It's felt a little intimidating to figure out how to ..." The phrase that came to mind was 'fill up space', but that sounded... kind of awful? Nick frowned again at the stairs, trying to think of what he was actually trying to say. "I guess, how to be in the present moment, instead of anticipating the transition. Maybe I didn't do a great job of it this last stretch."
He sighed a little, and finally raised his gaze to Rav a little more fully, his expression holding a gentle determination.
"But, I'm feeling more present now. Still nervous, but... warm. Grounded. Here. ...How about you?"
"Would... " Rav broke the silence first, and Nick snapped his attention back, grateful and curious and nervous all at once. "...you be willing to share what... uh... what was it like? Checking in with yourself just then?"
Nick blinked a few times, feeling utterly, confoundingly blank. Had he checked in with himself? He must have. Could he accurately report what it had been like? He wasn't so sure. He twisted a small frown, his eyes drifting down to the sidewalk, nervousness now quietly buzzing throughout his body. He still held Rav's hand, but this didn't quite feel like the moment to squeeze it for comfort. Instead, Nick took in a big breath and let it out slowly, trying to focus on just checking in with himself now, as a starting point if nothing else.
"Well... just now," Nick started, deciding he felt better sharing what was in the present moment rather than leaving Rav hanging until he could find his way back to the past. "I'm feeling pretty nervous. Like... I don't want to mess something up. Or bore you. Or not hold up my side of the conversation. But..."
Nick came to a stop in front of the stairs up to his house, blinking at them with a mild sense of bafflement, or maybe consternation.
"Well." He gestured with his free hand at the stairs, and gave Rav a brief, small, crooked, nervous, sildelong smile. "We're fast approaching a kind of big transition, I guess, no matter what direction we end up going. It's felt a little intimidating to figure out how to ..." The phrase that came to mind was 'fill up space', but that sounded... kind of awful? Nick frowned again at the stairs, trying to think of what he was actually trying to say. "I guess, how to be in the present moment, instead of anticipating the transition. Maybe I didn't do a great job of it this last stretch."
He sighed a little, and finally raised his gaze to Rav a little more fully, his expression holding a gentle determination.
"But, I'm feeling more present now. Still nervous, but... warm. Grounded. Here. ...How about you?"