Rav's attention remained on their clasped hands--he wasn't quite ready for Nick's reaction. Except, Nick's other hand, warm from the mug of his mocha, joined the contact. Drawing what he could of a steady breath, he felt into the subtle movements of Nick's fingers, the pressure undulating pleasantly. A flood of warmth in the half of Rav's body beneath the table reminded him that they were in public and that, even if this gesture was innocuous, it might not look that way to others.
Perhaps Nick had a similar thought or otherwise was finished with the contact because he squeezed Rav's hands and gently pulled away, returning to his cinnamon roll. And, fair enough, Rav had only just gotten to the good part of his croissant, and his macchiato was surely getting more watery by the moment.
Rav glanced at Nick's crooked smile before bringing the whole croissant up to his mouth to take a large bite of the hardened chocolate at the middle, making sure to get enough of the buttery flake of the pastry into his mouth at the same time. He indulged in the chewing, in the flavor, eyes closed as he allowed himself to forget for a moment that the coffee shop existed, that Nick existed, that he had a past or a future. There was only this dance of flavors along the muscle of his tongue.
One weightless day, Rav thought, rolling the phrase around in his mind much the same way he rolled the pastry in his mouth. It was pleasurable and exhilarating. The sense of freedom almost brought tears to his eyes again. Had he given himself one weightless day in the past five years? Just one day when it was all right not to flog himself with what he had done?
No, Rav didn't think he had.
And, though the sorrow of that realization colored the sensations of freedom and pleasure, Rav maintained his excitement. Perhaps it would be the first of several more weightless days.
As Rav swallowed, he slowly opened his eyes, aware again of the table, of Nick, of the gentle murmuring sounds of the coffee shop. A subtle pit fell into his stomach looking at Nick, who was enjoying his own pastry and a sip of his mocha. He looked the way Rav felt--free and open--and yet, it was difficult to believe that they wouldn't end up treading on rocky territory together again, probably even today.
But, Rav reminded himself, both of them had set aside specters that they had never before seen each other without. In some ways, they would both be getting to know an entirely new person. Who were they without the ghosts of their pasts telling them what they were allowed to want?
Rav finally broke out into a smile that spurred some embarrassment in his gut, but he licked his lips before raising his drink to his lips and taking a satisfying gulp.
Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Urges to rush came in gentle waves, but Nick rode them out with a rolling thrill in his stomach. He wanted to trust the little rituals they'd just gone through to send their specters away, and to relax into the space that created. And so he savored the next few bites of his cinnamon roll, sinking into the pleasant ways that it played with the mocha in his mouth... until the textures became less than satisfactory, fading into disinterest and a readiness to simply swallow.
Only then did Nick open his eyes. A small blush of embarrassment warmed his stomach as he raised his gaze to Rav, swelling pleasantly when he saw the man's smile--his tongue tracing over his lips. Nick blinked over to the plant with a broad smile, his sudden burst of butterflies dissipating as his peripheral sight clocked Rav raising his drink to his mouth, his eyes closed much like Nick's had been a moment earlier.
Bravely, Nick pulled his gaze back to his cinnamon roll, fingers pulling off the next bite to savor. As he closed his eyes, he couldn't help wondering what glimpse Rav would end up spying of him. He did his best to set that aside and just enjoy the tastes and textures again, but they didn't hold his interest for very long. He opened his eyes again with a bit of a sheepish smile, waiting a beat to take in Rav's expression.
((OOC: There's a decent chance Nick goes on to ask, "How's the croissant?" but it may depend on Rav's expression lol))
Only then did Nick open his eyes. A small blush of embarrassment warmed his stomach as he raised his gaze to Rav, swelling pleasantly when he saw the man's smile--his tongue tracing over his lips. Nick blinked over to the plant with a broad smile, his sudden burst of butterflies dissipating as his peripheral sight clocked Rav raising his drink to his mouth, his eyes closed much like Nick's had been a moment earlier.
Bravely, Nick pulled his gaze back to his cinnamon roll, fingers pulling off the next bite to savor. As he closed his eyes, he couldn't help wondering what glimpse Rav would end up spying of him. He did his best to set that aside and just enjoy the tastes and textures again, but they didn't hold his interest for very long. He opened his eyes again with a bit of a sheepish smile, waiting a beat to take in Rav's expression.
((OOC: There's a decent chance Nick goes on to ask, "How's the croissant?" but it may depend on Rav's expression lol))
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
It was difficult to take his eyes off Nick, but the longer they lingered-- on his fingers as they considered which piece of the cinnamon roll to pull off next, on his sheepish lips as they navigated the pastry--the more the longing ache grew in Rav's body for privacy. Except, the kinds of things Rav might do with that privacy still probably weren't on the table yet.
I've waited five years to have a date like this, Rav thought, I can wait a little bit longer.
He urged himself to enjoy the process of getting to that moment--if they ever got there--more than the destination itself.
This, sitting in a coffee shop eating mediocre pastries, could also be its own kind of enjoyable. They had nowhere to go, really, and nothing else to do except bask in each other's company. And, whatever else had happened, Nick had agreed to meet Rav two days in a row.
I keep thinking about kissing you... The sound clip circled in Rav's mind, and finally, he just outright agreed with it. Me too, Nick. Me too.
Trying to think of less risky territory, Rav thought back to their morning text conversation.
"So, you mentioned a million curious questions about my... therapist?" Rav said tentatively, wondering if he was really prepared to go down this path.
I've waited five years to have a date like this, Rav thought, I can wait a little bit longer.
He urged himself to enjoy the process of getting to that moment--if they ever got there--more than the destination itself.
This, sitting in a coffee shop eating mediocre pastries, could also be its own kind of enjoyable. They had nowhere to go, really, and nothing else to do except bask in each other's company. And, whatever else had happened, Nick had agreed to meet Rav two days in a row.
I keep thinking about kissing you... The sound clip circled in Rav's mind, and finally, he just outright agreed with it. Me too, Nick. Me too.
Trying to think of less risky territory, Rav thought back to their morning text conversation.
"So, you mentioned a million curious questions about my... therapist?" Rav said tentatively, wondering if he was really prepared to go down this path.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
"So, you mentioned a million curious questions about my... therapist?" Rav said, and Nick's eyebrows rose, his smile tugging crooked. His gaze blinked back toward the plant, but he nodded and offered a soft "Mm" in affirmation.
The trick was, now he had to identify one of those million questions. Or, maybe somehow even that was getting ahead of himself. He closed his eyes and tilted his head slightly, trying to remember what Rav had already told him. Just... that his relationship with his therapist involved sex work? Ah, right, and then the memory of the testing regimen came back in, and with it a vague sense of overwhelm. Briefly, there was an urge to dive straight into that--ask about what Rav's expectations were of Nick in that vein, but... that was also getting ahead of himself.
Nick exhaled his urgency and let his mind zoom back out from the testing. They could talk about that another time... if and when it was more relevant. What felt relevant right now?
Nick opened his eyes and refocused on the plant, the coffee shop, the mediocre cinnamon roll he was ready to swallow. He pulled his eyes shyly back to Rav, riding a new urge toward urgency to offer some kind of apology or explanation or reassurance about why it was taking him a long time to reply. But he remembered Rav saying slowwwww to him in this very coffee shop just a few days prior, and he held steady, buying his mind just a little more time to find the question he genuinely wanted to ask.
"What's, like... something you're newly working on, since the last time you saw her?" Nick's stomach did a little flip, his scalp tingling with a strangely thrilling shock at his own boldness. But, Rav had invited a question like that, surely?
Still, he couldn't quite help adding, "... if that feels good to share," his eyes falling down to his mocha with a shy smile as he spoke. He wanted to cup the mug in his hands again, but awareness of some cinnamon roll stickiness stopped him. So, instead, he nibbled briefly on his bottom lip before he slipped a fingertip into his mouth to shyly lick clean behind his lips.
The trick was, now he had to identify one of those million questions. Or, maybe somehow even that was getting ahead of himself. He closed his eyes and tilted his head slightly, trying to remember what Rav had already told him. Just... that his relationship with his therapist involved sex work? Ah, right, and then the memory of the testing regimen came back in, and with it a vague sense of overwhelm. Briefly, there was an urge to dive straight into that--ask about what Rav's expectations were of Nick in that vein, but... that was also getting ahead of himself.
Nick exhaled his urgency and let his mind zoom back out from the testing. They could talk about that another time... if and when it was more relevant. What felt relevant right now?
Nick opened his eyes and refocused on the plant, the coffee shop, the mediocre cinnamon roll he was ready to swallow. He pulled his eyes shyly back to Rav, riding a new urge toward urgency to offer some kind of apology or explanation or reassurance about why it was taking him a long time to reply. But he remembered Rav saying slowwwww to him in this very coffee shop just a few days prior, and he held steady, buying his mind just a little more time to find the question he genuinely wanted to ask.
"What's, like... something you're newly working on, since the last time you saw her?" Nick's stomach did a little flip, his scalp tingling with a strangely thrilling shock at his own boldness. But, Rav had invited a question like that, surely?
Still, he couldn't quite help adding, "... if that feels good to share," his eyes falling down to his mocha with a shy smile as he spoke. He wanted to cup the mug in his hands again, but awareness of some cinnamon roll stickiness stopped him. So, instead, he nibbled briefly on his bottom lip before he slipped a fingertip into his mouth to shyly lick clean behind his lips.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick looked away but made a sound of confirmation, and again, the hungry feeling behind Rav's eyes wanting to keep drinking Nick in, keep putting him on the spot. Rav wanted to know exactly how long it would take Nick to buckle under the pressure of his gaze, to...
Rav forced himself to look down at the table, steadying himself with another sip of his macchiato and a bite of his croissant, this time with more chocolate.
He worried briefly that he was forcing this issue with Nick, but it would surely be better to get whatever discomfort out in the open sooner rather than later.
"What's, like... something you're newly working on, since the last time you saw her?"
Rav's eyebrows lifted as his mind started to race. What did he even want to say about that? But, it was a good question. It presenced the relevance of the working relationship to what was right here between Rav and Nick.
"...if that feels good to share," Nick added, his gaze falling down to the table. Rav stared at Nick as he thought, distracted by Nick's attempts to subtly lick his finger clean by slipping it into his mouth. The effect was anything but, and Rav exhaled heavily, closing his eyes before he did or said something he would regret.
You deserve pleasure, Rav, Hannah had said in her last message.
Rav ran through dozens of possibilities of what he could say. He was half-tempted to tell Nick about the inner conflict about whether to masturbate in Nick's bathroom or about the ways Hannah had teased him, rolling her naked hips around on his cock, ensuring that he wouldn't act without permission, at least until he safeworded out of the scene. But, Rav didn't actually want to make this lewd or lurid, especially not here in the coffeeshop. He wanted Nick to genuinely understand this as a therapeutic modality because, for Rav, it was.
"I mean, a non-zero amount of working with her is blowing off steam, but..." Rav started, opening his eyes again. "...right now, it's... I mean..." Why was this so hard to say out loud? He had honestly offered to answer questions, but admitting what he needed to get over was something else entirely. Rav marveled again at the question, grateful Nick had gotten to the heart of the matter and not focused too much on the details.
"...I shut down. A lot. Like I did at contact improv. Especially when I want... more than I think the other person wants. So, Hannah's been trying to... recreate situations where the shutdown happens and see if I can work myself out of them. 'Use my words' as they say," Rav said with a shy smirk. "I've been paying attention to when I shut down around you and... I mean, we're getting through it." By the end, Rav's smile was more genuine, more hopeful, though his eyebrows quivered and revealed how nervous he was.
"Good question," he finally added, lest Nick think he had gone too far.
Rav forced himself to look down at the table, steadying himself with another sip of his macchiato and a bite of his croissant, this time with more chocolate.
He worried briefly that he was forcing this issue with Nick, but it would surely be better to get whatever discomfort out in the open sooner rather than later.
"What's, like... something you're newly working on, since the last time you saw her?"
Rav's eyebrows lifted as his mind started to race. What did he even want to say about that? But, it was a good question. It presenced the relevance of the working relationship to what was right here between Rav and Nick.
"...if that feels good to share," Nick added, his gaze falling down to the table. Rav stared at Nick as he thought, distracted by Nick's attempts to subtly lick his finger clean by slipping it into his mouth. The effect was anything but, and Rav exhaled heavily, closing his eyes before he did or said something he would regret.
You deserve pleasure, Rav, Hannah had said in her last message.
Rav ran through dozens of possibilities of what he could say. He was half-tempted to tell Nick about the inner conflict about whether to masturbate in Nick's bathroom or about the ways Hannah had teased him, rolling her naked hips around on his cock, ensuring that he wouldn't act without permission, at least until he safeworded out of the scene. But, Rav didn't actually want to make this lewd or lurid, especially not here in the coffeeshop. He wanted Nick to genuinely understand this as a therapeutic modality because, for Rav, it was.
"I mean, a non-zero amount of working with her is blowing off steam, but..." Rav started, opening his eyes again. "...right now, it's... I mean..." Why was this so hard to say out loud? He had honestly offered to answer questions, but admitting what he needed to get over was something else entirely. Rav marveled again at the question, grateful Nick had gotten to the heart of the matter and not focused too much on the details.
"...I shut down. A lot. Like I did at contact improv. Especially when I want... more than I think the other person wants. So, Hannah's been trying to... recreate situations where the shutdown happens and see if I can work myself out of them. 'Use my words' as they say," Rav said with a shy smirk. "I've been paying attention to when I shut down around you and... I mean, we're getting through it." By the end, Rav's smile was more genuine, more hopeful, though his eyebrows quivered and revealed how nervous he was.
"Good question," he finally added, lest Nick think he had gone too far.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick heard a heavy exhale from Rav and briefly flicked his gaze back up to the man. Rav had closed his eyes in thought, and Nick waited patiently, finishing licking off his fingers to comfortably hold his mug again and enjoy its warmth, even faded though it was.
"I mean, a non-zero amount of working with her is blowing off steam, but..." Rav started, and Nick glanced up at him again, finding the man's eyes open. "...right now, it's... I mean..." Nick swallowed, but somehow didn't look away. He found himself studying Rav's eyes, curiosity genuinely brimming. What manner of 'blowing off steam' was close by on Rav's mind? What was he trying to tell Nick about instead? What was getting in the way?
"...I shut down," Rav said at last. "A lot. Like I did at contact improv." Nick swallowed again, his grip on his mug subtly tightening.
Rav went on, "Especially when I want... more than I think the other person wants." Nick gave a small instinctive nod of understanding at that, riding out the waves of nervousness that were building in his own gut.
"So, Hannah's been trying to... recreate situations where the shutdown happens and see if I can work myself out of them. 'Use my words' as they say," Rav said with a small smirk. Nick wondered if that meant that Rav and his therapist had... recreated the contact improv moment. What did that look like?
"I've been paying attention to when I shut down around you and... I mean, we're getting through it." Rav's smile had slowly grown brighter, though something about his eyes still looked a little bit nervous.
"Good question," he finally added, and Nick's lips curled up a crooked smile as he flicked his gaze back down to his mug, both relieved and bashful at the same time.
Nick's mind turned next to how he himself might answer his own question - that was only fair, right? But he waited out the initial impulse - something he was already starting to get a little more comfortable with doing around Rav, which was exciting - and he turned instead to what other questions he had about the conversation at hand. Moving it forward, instead of withdrawing back into an arbitrary sense of balance. Nick felt a small jolt in his gut as he committed to that course, but it felt right. He studied his mug for a long moment as he contemplated where he wanted to go next.
Warm curiosity bloomed again in the spacious permission about just how Rav might have recreated the contact improv moment with his therapist. Would it have gotten sexual, since that was the type of work she did? But probably that wasn't the only type of work that she did... Nick set aside the temptation to dream up fantasies, and instead focused on finding what felt real that he wanted to learn more about. His brow furrowed a little bit in thought, and when he finally spoke he spoke slowly, reaching for each word as he went.
"What's something she's helped you learn about that moment at contact improv?"
He blinked up to Rav only after he finished speaking, his brow loosening and rising as his bashful smile reformed again, a fresh cascade of tingles lighting up his scalp as the question rang in the air.
"I mean, a non-zero amount of working with her is blowing off steam, but..." Rav started, and Nick glanced up at him again, finding the man's eyes open. "...right now, it's... I mean..." Nick swallowed, but somehow didn't look away. He found himself studying Rav's eyes, curiosity genuinely brimming. What manner of 'blowing off steam' was close by on Rav's mind? What was he trying to tell Nick about instead? What was getting in the way?
"...I shut down," Rav said at last. "A lot. Like I did at contact improv." Nick swallowed again, his grip on his mug subtly tightening.
Rav went on, "Especially when I want... more than I think the other person wants." Nick gave a small instinctive nod of understanding at that, riding out the waves of nervousness that were building in his own gut.
"So, Hannah's been trying to... recreate situations where the shutdown happens and see if I can work myself out of them. 'Use my words' as they say," Rav said with a small smirk. Nick wondered if that meant that Rav and his therapist had... recreated the contact improv moment. What did that look like?
"I've been paying attention to when I shut down around you and... I mean, we're getting through it." Rav's smile had slowly grown brighter, though something about his eyes still looked a little bit nervous.
"Good question," he finally added, and Nick's lips curled up a crooked smile as he flicked his gaze back down to his mug, both relieved and bashful at the same time.
Nick's mind turned next to how he himself might answer his own question - that was only fair, right? But he waited out the initial impulse - something he was already starting to get a little more comfortable with doing around Rav, which was exciting - and he turned instead to what other questions he had about the conversation at hand. Moving it forward, instead of withdrawing back into an arbitrary sense of balance. Nick felt a small jolt in his gut as he committed to that course, but it felt right. He studied his mug for a long moment as he contemplated where he wanted to go next.
Warm curiosity bloomed again in the spacious permission about just how Rav might have recreated the contact improv moment with his therapist. Would it have gotten sexual, since that was the type of work she did? But probably that wasn't the only type of work that she did... Nick set aside the temptation to dream up fantasies, and instead focused on finding what felt real that he wanted to learn more about. His brow furrowed a little bit in thought, and when he finally spoke he spoke slowly, reaching for each word as he went.
"What's something she's helped you learn about that moment at contact improv?"
He blinked up to Rav only after he finished speaking, his brow loosening and rising as his bashful smile reformed again, a fresh cascade of tingles lighting up his scalp as the question rang in the air.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav swallowed his anxiety down as he waited, half-expecting Nick to shy away from the topic or otherwise change the subject. It looked as though things might head that direction--with Nick looking down as he held his mug--but he surprised Rav by digging deeper.
"What's something she's helped you learn about that moment at contact improv?" Nick asked, blinking up toward Rav with a bashful smile and a reddening at the edge of his hairline. Nick was fishing for something, and it made one corner of Rav's mouth quirk up in a smirk.
Rav lowered the tone of his voice conspiratorially. "We recreated that moment many times. She has a hard line on actually pretending to be someone else, but she... grazed against me the way I described it. In, at least, the spirit of an accident." Rav looked at Nick's face, wondering how that had landed, but he pushed forward. "I tried a lot of alternatives in that moment--ignoring the touch, stepping back momentarily and reconnecting--" Rav took a breath and looked down at the table, wondering if he was brave enough to admit the last part. Finally, he nodded. "I kept dancing once, not ignoring it but taking it as an invitation. Eventually, I kissed her." Rav shook his head, his face warming. "But we've really only had the one session since that happened. I haven't seen her since. I've mostly been texting her instead."
Looking up, he searched Nick's face for reactions, subconsciously biting the inside of his bottom lip.
But, deciding he wasn't sure he fully answered Nick's actual question, he said, "The answer to all my scenarios is usually the same. Go slow. And, you know, admit how I'm feeling sooner, even if it doesn't work out the way I hope."
"What's something she's helped you learn about that moment at contact improv?" Nick asked, blinking up toward Rav with a bashful smile and a reddening at the edge of his hairline. Nick was fishing for something, and it made one corner of Rav's mouth quirk up in a smirk.
Rav lowered the tone of his voice conspiratorially. "We recreated that moment many times. She has a hard line on actually pretending to be someone else, but she... grazed against me the way I described it. In, at least, the spirit of an accident." Rav looked at Nick's face, wondering how that had landed, but he pushed forward. "I tried a lot of alternatives in that moment--ignoring the touch, stepping back momentarily and reconnecting--" Rav took a breath and looked down at the table, wondering if he was brave enough to admit the last part. Finally, he nodded. "I kept dancing once, not ignoring it but taking it as an invitation. Eventually, I kissed her." Rav shook his head, his face warming. "But we've really only had the one session since that happened. I haven't seen her since. I've mostly been texting her instead."
Looking up, he searched Nick's face for reactions, subconsciously biting the inside of his bottom lip.
But, deciding he wasn't sure he fully answered Nick's actual question, he said, "The answer to all my scenarios is usually the same. Go slow. And, you know, admit how I'm feeling sooner, even if it doesn't work out the way I hope."
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
One corner of Rav's mouth quirked up in a smirk, sparking a pleasant jolt low in Nick's stomach.
"We recreated that moment many times," Rav said, his voice low and conspiratorial. "She has a hard line on actually pretending to be someone else, but she... grazed against me the way I described it. In, at least, the spirit of an accident."
Nick's already bashful smile grew wide and crooked, his eyes flicking back down to his mocha with some warmth building in his cheeks.
"I tried a lot of alternatives in that moment," Rav continued, "--ignoring the touch, stepping back momentarily and reconnecting--" Rav paused there, and in the pause, Nick closed his eyes, imagining those alternatives for himself. They would have been rebuffs, in some ways, but gentle as rebuffs go, and Nick thought he would have handled that okay. He hadn't even fully realized he'd made an advance in the moment, really, and he still felt some embarrassment about that, maybe even guilt.
"I kept dancing once," Rav's voice brought Nick's attention back to the present moment, his eyes fluttering open to look at his mocha as he listened, "not ignoring it but taking it as an invitation. Eventually, I kissed her."
Nick blinked back up to Rav at that, his smile still crooked but his eyes sparkling with a subtle delight. He loved imagining kissing Rav that day. At least... in fantasy. Rav shook his head a little, and Nick looked back down to his mocha, his smile dulling just a little. The thing was, when he zoomed out to the fact that they would have been in class... and that was exactly what Nick had lost sight of that day, too.
"But we've really only had the one session since that happened. I haven't seen her since. I've mostly been texting her instead."
Nick nodded. He hadn't even seen his own therapist yet, so it made sense Rav had only had the one session. Texting was interesting, though, and Nick's mind flagged that with curiosity, but before he started formulating any questions about that, Rav added,
"The answer to all my scenarios is usually the same. Go slow. And, you know, admit how I'm feeling sooner, even if it doesn't work out the way I hope."
Nick's smile re-widened with another nod. Briefly, he felt silly about his question -- Rav had already shared those insights with Nick, but somehow Nick had imagined that that had just been introspection, and that Rav's therapist might've had other perspectives. Or maybe, it hadn't actually been the 'what did you learn' Nick was actually trying to ask about, but more about the process of getting there.
Nick's smile wavered a little again as he fought off some unkind thoughts about his question, about his motivation for asking it, about the appropriateness of his asking in the first place. He sighed and shook his head a little, also starting to get worried about how his reaction was looking to Rav. He didn't want Rav to think that Nick was feeling judgmental of him, or that Nick hadn't enjoyed hearing about Rav's session. Quite the contrary, but Nick supposed he was feeling a bit judgmental of himself.
"Seems like I'm having some stuff of my own come up," he offered with a tentative glance up to Rav, eyes quickly retreating back down to his mocha. "Around that moment in class. I haven't had a chance to talk with my therapist about it yet. I have a session coming up this week though."
Nick took in a big breath and let out a louder sigh, regathering a smile to look at Rav a little more confidently.
"The like... role-play therapy sounds really cool."
"We recreated that moment many times," Rav said, his voice low and conspiratorial. "She has a hard line on actually pretending to be someone else, but she... grazed against me the way I described it. In, at least, the spirit of an accident."
Nick's already bashful smile grew wide and crooked, his eyes flicking back down to his mocha with some warmth building in his cheeks.
"I tried a lot of alternatives in that moment," Rav continued, "--ignoring the touch, stepping back momentarily and reconnecting--" Rav paused there, and in the pause, Nick closed his eyes, imagining those alternatives for himself. They would have been rebuffs, in some ways, but gentle as rebuffs go, and Nick thought he would have handled that okay. He hadn't even fully realized he'd made an advance in the moment, really, and he still felt some embarrassment about that, maybe even guilt.
"I kept dancing once," Rav's voice brought Nick's attention back to the present moment, his eyes fluttering open to look at his mocha as he listened, "not ignoring it but taking it as an invitation. Eventually, I kissed her."
Nick blinked back up to Rav at that, his smile still crooked but his eyes sparkling with a subtle delight. He loved imagining kissing Rav that day. At least... in fantasy. Rav shook his head a little, and Nick looked back down to his mocha, his smile dulling just a little. The thing was, when he zoomed out to the fact that they would have been in class... and that was exactly what Nick had lost sight of that day, too.
"But we've really only had the one session since that happened. I haven't seen her since. I've mostly been texting her instead."
Nick nodded. He hadn't even seen his own therapist yet, so it made sense Rav had only had the one session. Texting was interesting, though, and Nick's mind flagged that with curiosity, but before he started formulating any questions about that, Rav added,
"The answer to all my scenarios is usually the same. Go slow. And, you know, admit how I'm feeling sooner, even if it doesn't work out the way I hope."
Nick's smile re-widened with another nod. Briefly, he felt silly about his question -- Rav had already shared those insights with Nick, but somehow Nick had imagined that that had just been introspection, and that Rav's therapist might've had other perspectives. Or maybe, it hadn't actually been the 'what did you learn' Nick was actually trying to ask about, but more about the process of getting there.
Nick's smile wavered a little again as he fought off some unkind thoughts about his question, about his motivation for asking it, about the appropriateness of his asking in the first place. He sighed and shook his head a little, also starting to get worried about how his reaction was looking to Rav. He didn't want Rav to think that Nick was feeling judgmental of him, or that Nick hadn't enjoyed hearing about Rav's session. Quite the contrary, but Nick supposed he was feeling a bit judgmental of himself.
"Seems like I'm having some stuff of my own come up," he offered with a tentative glance up to Rav, eyes quickly retreating back down to his mocha. "Around that moment in class. I haven't had a chance to talk with my therapist about it yet. I have a session coming up this week though."
Nick took in a big breath and let out a louder sigh, regathering a smile to look at Rav a little more confidently.
"The like... role-play therapy sounds really cool."
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Nick smiled at Rav's nod to what they had discussed previously, but it didn't have staying power. Rav looked down, running over what he had said and wondering what exactly caused Nick's reaction. Had it not been what Nick had been looking for? Rav supposed he didn't actually give Nick much that he didn't already know. Did it make Nick feel like Rav hadn't actually done his own introspection and was just parroting his therapist? Rav was just trying to paraphrase. He...
Nick sighed and shook his head, and he met Rav's eyes for only a moment before dropping back down to his coffee. Rav thought about taking another swig of his own, but his stomach was already in knots.
"Seems like I'm having some stuff of my own come up," Nick said, "around that moment in class. I haven't had a chance to talk with my therapist about it yet. I have session coming up this week, though."
Nick huffed another breath with an even bigger sigh, trying to recover his smile, but Rav wasn't sure he could trust it.
"The like... role-play therapy sounds really cool."
The statement fell flat on Rav's ears, and he tensed his jaw, staring with furrowed eyebrows at his sweating macchiato. Insecurities about his decision to work with Hannah flared, but Rav knew that was a distraction. Plus, it wasn't as though he hadn't thought about that a hundred times before.
That Nick had hangups about that moment in class, though, that was new. Part of Rav wanted to pick it apart, open it up, clean the wound, and be done with it rather than wonder what was on Nick's mind and let it fester in his own stomach, but he doubted that scrutiny would be kind to Nick.
Rav thought he had acted at least somewhat admirably about the situation, even if he had left abruptly and blurted out what he was thinking when Nick followed. Had he missed something? Rav ran back over the well-worn memory, searching for something else he had done wrong. Had he encouraged Nick somehow? Left himself open to advances in a way that seemed inappropriate? He didn't think so, but the longer Rav focused on the moment, the less he trusted his recollection of it.
Maybe all this had been a bad idea. If Nick hadn't talked to his therapist since contact improv, that meant that his therapist didn't know about Rav's confession either. And Nick was here, unsupported and unguided, trying to navigate a second date with him.
Rav shut his eyes tightly, trying not to preempt that decision without at least talking to Nick first. He didn't want to sabotage this, but he felt the urge bubbling up and getting stronger.
It seemed yet more inappropriate to ask Nick what about that moment he wanted his therapist's help with. That was probably just Rav wanting the opportunity to defend himself. So, what, then?
Rav sighed. People had to be allowed to live their lives without their therapists' input about every little thing, right? And Nick had made the decision to move forward with this. It wasn't Rav's place to make that call on Nick's behalf.
And then there was the sour taste in Rav's mouth, the discomfort with the thought that the memory of their last time at contact improv wasn't an exciting one for Nick. Rav thought, maybe, just maybe, the graze across the front of his pants had been intentional, had been some kind of a plea or a flag to say, yes, please, yes, more of this. But now? Something about it had been out of integrity for Nick, and it was difficult not to throw everything else good about the memory out in light of that fact.
Rav tried and failed many times to speak, unable to look anywhere but the rim of his glass. He knew Nick must be getting more uncomfortable by the moment, but every direction he tried left him with dead ends and only more bubbling in his stomach. He tried to remember what he had said about what he had learned with Hannah, and to a greater degree, with Nick.
"I feel..." he started, his voice wavering and uncertain. All the emotion words he could think of sounded childish. "...confused." It was hardly anything to offer Nick, but it was the best he had.
Nick sighed and shook his head, and he met Rav's eyes for only a moment before dropping back down to his coffee. Rav thought about taking another swig of his own, but his stomach was already in knots.
"Seems like I'm having some stuff of my own come up," Nick said, "around that moment in class. I haven't had a chance to talk with my therapist about it yet. I have session coming up this week, though."
Nick huffed another breath with an even bigger sigh, trying to recover his smile, but Rav wasn't sure he could trust it.
"The like... role-play therapy sounds really cool."
The statement fell flat on Rav's ears, and he tensed his jaw, staring with furrowed eyebrows at his sweating macchiato. Insecurities about his decision to work with Hannah flared, but Rav knew that was a distraction. Plus, it wasn't as though he hadn't thought about that a hundred times before.
That Nick had hangups about that moment in class, though, that was new. Part of Rav wanted to pick it apart, open it up, clean the wound, and be done with it rather than wonder what was on Nick's mind and let it fester in his own stomach, but he doubted that scrutiny would be kind to Nick.
Rav thought he had acted at least somewhat admirably about the situation, even if he had left abruptly and blurted out what he was thinking when Nick followed. Had he missed something? Rav ran back over the well-worn memory, searching for something else he had done wrong. Had he encouraged Nick somehow? Left himself open to advances in a way that seemed inappropriate? He didn't think so, but the longer Rav focused on the moment, the less he trusted his recollection of it.
Maybe all this had been a bad idea. If Nick hadn't talked to his therapist since contact improv, that meant that his therapist didn't know about Rav's confession either. And Nick was here, unsupported and unguided, trying to navigate a second date with him.
Rav shut his eyes tightly, trying not to preempt that decision without at least talking to Nick first. He didn't want to sabotage this, but he felt the urge bubbling up and getting stronger.
It seemed yet more inappropriate to ask Nick what about that moment he wanted his therapist's help with. That was probably just Rav wanting the opportunity to defend himself. So, what, then?
Rav sighed. People had to be allowed to live their lives without their therapists' input about every little thing, right? And Nick had made the decision to move forward with this. It wasn't Rav's place to make that call on Nick's behalf.
And then there was the sour taste in Rav's mouth, the discomfort with the thought that the memory of their last time at contact improv wasn't an exciting one for Nick. Rav thought, maybe, just maybe, the graze across the front of his pants had been intentional, had been some kind of a plea or a flag to say, yes, please, yes, more of this. But now? Something about it had been out of integrity for Nick, and it was difficult not to throw everything else good about the memory out in light of that fact.
Rav tried and failed many times to speak, unable to look anywhere but the rim of his glass. He knew Nick must be getting more uncomfortable by the moment, but every direction he tried left him with dead ends and only more bubbling in his stomach. He tried to remember what he had said about what he had learned with Hannah, and to a greater degree, with Nick.
"I feel..." he started, his voice wavering and uncertain. All the emotion words he could think of sounded childish. "...confused." It was hardly anything to offer Nick, but it was the best he had.
Re: Road to Repair: Rav and Nick
Rav tensed his jaw, staring with furrowed eyebrows at his sweating macchiato. Nick's stomach dropped, his whole body stiffening. The unkind thoughts about his bold questions dove right back in again. He'd led them down yet another dangerous path; he should've just stuck to safe territory. Were they ever going to get to just thrift shopping together like normal people?
Rav shut his eyes tightly, and Nick winced, panic rising about what might be going through the man's head. Nick almost wanted to ask, but his throat was too tight to speak. He finally looked down to his mocha, his grip on it now tight and frantic. He thought about taking another drink of it, but his stomach turned at the thought. The urge to blurt out an apology was rising, bloating inside Nick like an uncomfortable gas bubble, trapped by the ironclad tension in his throat.
"I feel..." Rav finally said, his voice wavering and uncertain. Nick swallowed, glancing back up to Rav just long enough to see the man's eyes still glued to his own drink, his brow tightly furrowed in thought. "...confused."
Alongside the urge to apologize rose a frantic flurry of explanations and reassurances, too hectic for even Nick to make sense of. Nick closed his own eyes tight now, and forced himself to take a long, slow breath, imagining dissipating the competing thoughts like smoke from a snuffed-out candle.
Rav felt confused. That was okay. Nick breathed in and out again. He was tempted to let back in some of the frantic explanations, or at least their imaginations of what Rav was probably confused about. What did make it past his attempts to hold open his mental space was that Rav was most likely confused about Nick's 'own stuff' about contact improv.
Obviously, one voice chided, but strangely, that frame was more concrete than whatever had been happening a moment before, and Nick was able to ground himself in it a little. The two of them weren't done piecing that moment apart with each other. Maybe they wouldn't be for a while. That had to be okay. Nick had to embrace that as part of this, if he wanted to continue. With his next breath, Nick invited in the excited butterflies of holding Rav's hand, the warm swirls in his stomach of Rav's weight against him on the futon. The sweetness of Rav's texts; his insistence on sitting in the 'splash zone'. Nick absolutely wanted to continue.
Finally, on his next breath, Nick opened his eyes feeling more serene, his hands a little more relaxed around his mug and his brows raised in a cautious openness.
"Do you... want to ask me any questions?"
Rav shut his eyes tightly, and Nick winced, panic rising about what might be going through the man's head. Nick almost wanted to ask, but his throat was too tight to speak. He finally looked down to his mocha, his grip on it now tight and frantic. He thought about taking another drink of it, but his stomach turned at the thought. The urge to blurt out an apology was rising, bloating inside Nick like an uncomfortable gas bubble, trapped by the ironclad tension in his throat.
"I feel..." Rav finally said, his voice wavering and uncertain. Nick swallowed, glancing back up to Rav just long enough to see the man's eyes still glued to his own drink, his brow tightly furrowed in thought. "...confused."
Alongside the urge to apologize rose a frantic flurry of explanations and reassurances, too hectic for even Nick to make sense of. Nick closed his own eyes tight now, and forced himself to take a long, slow breath, imagining dissipating the competing thoughts like smoke from a snuffed-out candle.
Rav felt confused. That was okay. Nick breathed in and out again. He was tempted to let back in some of the frantic explanations, or at least their imaginations of what Rav was probably confused about. What did make it past his attempts to hold open his mental space was that Rav was most likely confused about Nick's 'own stuff' about contact improv.
Obviously, one voice chided, but strangely, that frame was more concrete than whatever had been happening a moment before, and Nick was able to ground himself in it a little. The two of them weren't done piecing that moment apart with each other. Maybe they wouldn't be for a while. That had to be okay. Nick had to embrace that as part of this, if he wanted to continue. With his next breath, Nick invited in the excited butterflies of holding Rav's hand, the warm swirls in his stomach of Rav's weight against him on the futon. The sweetness of Rav's texts; his insistence on sitting in the 'splash zone'. Nick absolutely wanted to continue.
Finally, on his next breath, Nick opened his eyes feeling more serene, his hands a little more relaxed around his mug and his brows raised in a cautious openness.
"Do you... want to ask me any questions?"